AN: This is a DND 3.5e epic-level character with 23 levels in Wizard with access to epic-level casting.

The feats he has is Brew Potion, Craft construct, Essence Mastery, Silent Spell, Skill Focus (Knowledge(arcana)(Spellcraft), Epic level spell casting, still spell, craft magical arms and armor, craft wondrous items, empower spell, forge ring, Scribe Scroll, Spell Focus (Evocation) Craft Rod, Craft Wand, Craft Epic Wondrous Items.

Epic-level spell casting along with rules for epic-level characters are in the Epic Levels Handbook

Essence Mastery is from Feats book by Alderac Entertainment Group

The adventures mentioned are Savage Tide from Dragon magazine and Bastion of Broken Souls

The other feats can be found in the Players Handbook

Wizarding in Worm

Chapter 18: Mean Magnus Minutes

2:10 PM

I teleport to Tenko's little base, which is apparently the "penthouse suite" of some random Downtown building. The room resembles an intensive care ward at a hospital, with machines and I.V.s running all over the place. The cacophony of beeps fills the room as the patient stares at me, eyes darting from me to Street Samurai who is currently being dragged by their hair. At least, I think I'm grabbing on their hair. The dumb costumes these people annoy me.

"So," I chuck the fucker to the couch on the other side of the room, they crumple on it as the gem on their head pulses, "You wanted to see me?"

The sickly old man presses a part of the blanket to his face as he coughs, specks of blood saturate the blanket. There is a bit of steel in his eyes.

"What," he rasps after an inhale, "Did you do to Street Samurai?" I smile.

"Currently," I dust myself off, "They are going through every key mistake they made in their life over and over and over again. I don't exactly mean their "trigger event" but general suffering over and over again. I think based on the current pulses, it's the 3rd time." I can see his brow furrow, "But you wanted me for something? What is it?"

"I want you…..," Tenko coughs again, "To cure me. I'm dying. I have been dying for some time. I am willing to offer-" I cut him off.

"Sure." It is kind of difficult to tell with all of the tubes and stuff, but I think he is stunned.

"Why?" I shrug.

"I do things I find interesting. I do know you are a villain and have done mildly villainous things. I can also see that you are already dying so taking you in would be a hassle." I sigh. Every villain so far has been vastly disappointing.

Is it so hard for these bastards to try and rush me? Why is it that it takes the Big monsters for me to get any kind of fight? God's this was so much simpler back home. I could go outside and head down a road to find a poor group of bandits to slaughter.

Now that I think about it, why don't people just ask me for help? I know people know my number. If this bum was able to contact me as I mulched the hat cutter's soul, then other crooks and capes can as well. Am I unapproachable? Is it the eyes? I could wear a blindfold. My head isn't up my ass in regards to people being villains. Maybe I should post more random things on PHO.

I walked up to the sick man and used a [Wish] to cure him of whatever was wrong with him and fix everything else. He glows gold as the color returns to his skin. The tubes pop out of him as he tests his grip. Ignoring his questions, I walk to the comatose cape. I pop the gem off their head. their eyes bulge out as they go to teleport. I grab their face and put them to sleep. I cast [Forget] to remove the memories of the last 20 minutes.

I turn to the now healthy old man.

"I'm going to leave now. If you don't consider just calling instead of sending someone like Street Samurai again, I will just start killing you people. This is getting ridiculous. You all just prance around in stupid outfits and fuck up the place and pretend that having a secret identity prevents me from just teleporting in and turning you inside out. Remember that I am restrained by my self-control alone, not by the consequences of raising the body count."

I don't give him a chance to say anything.

4:03 PM

This place is great! I found this restaurant that was selling pizza after resting but the twist is that it's thicker. I ordered the biggest one they had and a few toppings. They brought it to my table in a hot cast iron pan and served me the first slice. It was this big block of meat, sauce, and pasta smushed together to make a rectangle of pizza.

I think I actually gained weight after eating all of it. I gave the staff a wad of cash each for putting them on the spot. I even got a bottle of this green fizzy drink in a big Styrofoam cup to go with me. I'm already feeling better from the Incident. I hear a cacophony of tires screeching and alarmed yelling as I check my phone. Oh good, I get to do something to digest my feast.

The vans and trucks pull out from the side streets, all converging in front of me. I recognize some of the emblems on them. Murder Inc. and The Arisen? I figured those would be the last gangs I would find while clearing this city of its criminals. The Arisen brought at least 10 vans and Murder Inc. brought 7. If I remember how many people can fit in a van, they brought a small army with them just for me.

The villains and most likely goons exit the vehicles and move to flank me with their weapons, the capes spreading out to prevent me from leaving. Judging by the goons being in a wreath of fire and looking compliant, Satanic Panic enhanced them prior to approaching me. The heavily abused and scared man is most likely Baphomet who probably copied either Phenex's power or Moloch's. Phenex is in front of the pack, displaying his tattoos of hell and Behemoth. I can feel his glare. Moloch is not with them.

The second group is more varied. The case 53 Bloodbath who looks like a busted blender and block of frozen blood is nowhere in sight but his Mastered victims form a wall. Hawk and his two hatchets flank him. Jabberwocky has already transformed his limbs, the metallic shine clear in the cloudless sky. But where are the other 2? I scan the area and I see Blast Furnace explode from the top of a building. His colossal squid form starts to melt the concrete he is currently on, magma flowing down the building, a man who can easily claim to be comparable to an Endbringer. Geist is nowhere to be found. Knowing her, she is somewhere behind me, phasing through the whole restaurant to stab me in the back.

The dregs of the local Fallen cell and an organized group of serial killers teaming up to fight me. They are pre-buffed and brought additional help. They have me at a disadvantage of showing up with civilians right behind me and probably nearby, not to mention the Mastered and afflicted victims of Bloodbath.

I grin wickedly. A fine attack force and a decent plan. I could call the Clay Clones over to make this fight over in under 30 seconds but they put a lot of effort into dealing with me. With respect for their effort, I'm going to give them the chance to actually have a chance to kill me. Hawks and Phenex approach out of their respective groups. Oh good, banter before battle.

I spread my arms wide, "Hello Murder Inc. and Arisen, what can I can do for you this fine day?" Phenex openly snarled at me.

Hawks rolled his shoulders, "We heard you got rid of the fire brothers and dealt with the Deviants. After that, we agreed to a little jolly cooperation to deal with you." News travels fast. It traveled a bit too fast.

"Well, I'm not going to question how you found out that I am at this fine establishment but I do have one question." he raises an eyebrow.

"I'll humor your last words. What's the question?" I will my quarterstaff to me, it fizzles into existence in my left hand.

"Do you think this is enough to slay me? I bullied Behemoth into running away. I killed the 9. I killed Nilbog. I've been on a roll ever since I got here. What makes you all think this meager army is enough?" he scowled at me, Phenex looked like he is ready to explode.

"Because you little shit," he snaps his fingers, "We decided to call in some extra help." There were several pings against my defenses. Soundless bullets? That would be…Silent Knight? I think his power is an area of silence. I am going to guess that he also got Nonagon to send over his enhanced mercs to complement his power.

Guess I can start as well. While they are confused about why the bullets not giving me a new nose, I cast (Extended) [Time Stop]. I buff myself with [Invulnerability to Elements], [Greater Heroism], and [Bulls Strength]. Hmmm. I cast [Summon Monster IX] using one spell and one scroll, with 2 Astral Devas. I then cast [Mass Haste], empowering the summons and me. I order them to fly over to the buildings with the Mercs and Blast Furnace. They ready themselves to attack. A quick glance behind me and its Geist with a knife. I place a gem on her face. With my last bits of stopped time, I fly to the left of me with the Satanic people. I cast [Deeper Darkness] and hold a [Hist of Sleep].

Time resumes.

The tomfoolery starts. Geist vanishes for at most 10 minutes. I can see the flashes of [Holy Smite] going off on the rooftops. About half of the goons of the Arisen fall asleep, the rest confused by the darkness. I use another [Limited Wish] for another [Hist of Sleep], hearing the rest of them fall. I go in and bash the back of Satanic Panic's head with my staff. I feel a wave of heat as Baphomet tries to burn me alive. I stride over to him and give him a few whacks to the face, dropping him. Phenex gets out a knife and goes to stab me, I lean back and full force crack him over the knee. I hop back as he goes for another stab and bash him over the head. It's a good thing the Mercy enchant doesn't count as true physical damage otherwise I would have to deal with his hopping around negating damage and blowing up.

When I exit the darkness, I can feel the claws of Jabberwocky almost crack my defenses. The Deva from the mercenaries flies and slams into Blast Furnace. As long as they last until I deal with Murder Inc., I can call this a win. Ducking out of the way of Hawks strikes, I cast [Mass Hold Monster], and all of Bloodbath's afflicted victims freeze in place and struggle to break free and drink my blood. I duck and weave in between Jabberwocky's and Hawk's swings, scanning for the other fucker. I hear an explosion and watch as one of the Devas slams into a car, I swear I can hear it curse in Celestial as it uses its [Heal] to go back into the fray. I still can't find Bloodbath. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the Kyton knock-off dart over to the Arisen goons for their weapons. I go to cast something but I don't notice Hawk flanking me.

He and Jabberwocky finally pierce my defenses, Hawk's hacking off my arm and the other leaving deep gashes on my chest. FUCK. I hop away to put all of them in line of sight.

"Well well well," Bloodbath sneers as he pulls out a shotgun off one of the goons, "It looks like you can bleed. Shame we gotta end this now."

I bark out a laugh, uncaring of my wounds, "This is the best fight I had since I got here. There's no way I'm losing now." I use my last [Limited Wish] for [Tenser's Transformation].

With that, I dash over to Bloodbath, effortlessly dodging the pellets. I'm able to jab him in the throat, making him focus on catching his breath. Weaving out of the other 2 capes, I bash Jabberwocky over the head 5 times, making him crumple to the ground. Gods these bastards are durable, that would have killed an Ogre after the first hit. I shove him out of the way as Bloodbath fires again. I block the swings of Hawks as I force them to aim at the wall of the building. I get 4 hits into Hawks before he backs off, the moment he does Bloodbath hits me with his next shot. Most of the pellets bounce off my defenses, but a few pierce my flesh. I dismiss the pain and dash over to hit Hawks another 5 times. He finally drops.

Bloodbath ditches the gun and charges me. I do the thing from the movies and kick him in the ribs. It does cause a bit of damage but he continues on with trying to punch me. I block two of the hits and duck under the last one. While the spells begin to peter out, I unleash a series of blows to his face. At least I think I'm hitting his face. He goes to grab me but I'm able to hover just above him. I use my height to bonk him over the head one more time to end this fight.

I sigh. I still need to knock out the Mastered people. I only need one for each one. I feel the area get hotter. I fly up to see a mostly damaged Blast Furnace, bits of magma scattered across a few rooftops. I cast [Power Word Stun] and wasted a full minute just beating him with my weapon. In the end, he changes back to a human and I take him from the top of the roof to the bottom.

Well, that was fun. I order 2 clones to manifest nearby to help me curse the Capes. By the time I find my arm, Geist finally returns from the spell. She takes one look at the fallen villains and very calmly gets on both knees and raises her hands. I go behind her and bonk her over the head. I should probably call this in.

It takes a few minutes to get someone on Control on the phone. The clones finished cursing the capes and fixing the poor bastards under Bloodbath's ghoulification effect. The rest just got tied up and piled on top of each other.

"This is Magnus. I just finished beating up Murder Inc. and Most of the Arisen. I think Moloch bailed or something. Also, I have fixed victims of Bloodbath's power and general crooks and goons that need to be picked up. Before you ask, I did curse the capes so that you all don't need to deal with the headache." I hear other discussions going on with the other side.

"What?" I clear my throat.

"I need people to get these guys so I don't have to actually carry them all back to the base. I'm also turning in for the day, need to check a few things." I hear more noise on the other end.

"Jesus. Yeah, give us like 20 minutes as we just got the Protectorate back after they finished fighting off the Circus of Discontent. There were a few civilian casualties but the capes got out alive but fucked up. Your healing pillar can fix shit, right?" It kinda does more than heal.

"Yes, it can heal anything short of death. Just leave them there for a bit and they should be fine." I hear several people move away from the mic.

"Bitchin! We are sending people over. Anything else?" I haven't actually spoken to any of the people there. Time to get some gossip!

"Anything interesting happen at the base?" I throw a softball question.

"Nothing beyond some intern killing himself. We haven't cleaned him up yet since shit has been crazy today." Oh.

"I see. Well, I should probably make sure these guys." I hang up.

4:27 PM

Seeing as how I wanted to get away from people asking me how I beat several gangs in a single day, I volunteered to help clear the intern who passed away.

From a quick glance, I think he shot himself, given how he is slumped onto his desk. He looks like the average man except with the hole sticking out of him.

I go over to the body. I should see if he has any last requests.

I cast [Speak with Dead] on him.

The corpse lurches slightly, the eyes glow with pale fire.

I ask it why he killed himself.

"I…Did….not." Interesting.

A murder to seem like a suicide? It's like that show! With those cops who break the law to solve a crime!

I dismiss the spell. I can ask it something later.

I back up and use [Limited Wish] from a scroll to cast [Identify Transgressor].

It whispers a name to me.

"Fortuna."

That's sounds like a made up name but the spell didn't tell me that it has a false reading.

Guess now I can be the CSI.

AN: yes I know I said I was gonna do a pho chap but I was stumped for two days and I needed to get something out.
AN: for reference how strong these bastards are, Wizboys enchanted quarterstaff did a total of 2d6+22 non-lethal bludgeoning damage one handed each hit.