5
The same
"Stop teasing. Kant can't take it anymore."
"I want you to want it more."
As soon as our desire is sparked, we engage in intense bed fights, unable to separate from each other. We arranged to do this to celebrate the new car, but out of respect for the new car, we did it in bed after we took a bath.
I used baby talcum scent soap today. I heard that this scent can strike a kill every time, and it seems to have a great effect on Chris. As soon as I walk out of the bathroom and Chris gets a whiff of the scent, she's on fire and has been until now.
"If you don't finish it, I will do it myself."
"Actually, that's a good idea."
Chris backs away from me and leans back on the head board. She has her arms crossed across her chest. She left me hanging. I'm so frustrated, I don't know what to say. I can only press my lips together tightly, lie down beside her, and sulk.
"You said you'd do it yourself. Why are you lying down? You'd be uncomfortable."
"Why are you leaving me hanging?"
The arrogant-looking woman grabs my shoulder and turns me to face her. She leans in to snuggle into my neck and nibbles my ear.
"I want to watch you dance on me. It would be nice to see how you dance."
"That'd be too awkward."
"No. Try it."
My lover pulls me towards her and teaches me many things. She turns me around so that I have my back to her. She lifts my legs up so that I'm kneeling on her and rubbing my midsection into her as if I'm dancing. I was embarrassed at first because I've never done anything like this before. But once she encourages me by whispering into my ears, I have more confidence in myself.
"You're so sexy. I'm so aroused."
Everything goes on naturally in its own rhythm. I'm having fun learning new things. Chris reaches her hand over to grab my breasts to arouse me. My emotions are rising with every passing second. Each time I move, my lover lets out a moan, as if she wishes to arouse me even more. All her encouragement makes me so aroused that my body is shaking. I lift my face up and look at the ceiling.
"Ah…"
"Great job..." I can hear a soft, raspy voice in my ear as Chris wipes away my sweat on the nape of my neck with her lips. "You dance so beautifully."
"Where did you learn to do this?"
"The body pillow."
Her answer is so shocking that I can't imagine someone as shy as Chris saying it when she's fully herself. Because Chris will always go back to being the Chris who doesn't even dare to look me in the eye after we're done with our activities.
"Do you still use the body pillow?"
"Why would I when I have you?"
My eyes become wide open when I hear that. Like I've said before, Chris is a totally different person when she's in bed. She's very authoritative and decisive. Though I try to fight her, I always go soft with her.
But sometimes the leader cannot say no to the follower, especially when the body yearns too much. And Chris is currently at that point.
"Yes." I flip myself over and turn to face the arrogant-looking woman. I nibble her ear playfully. "I'm a lot better than the body pillow."
"Show me."
I push Chris down and move myself down.
"I won't show you."
"…"
"I will make you scream."
Chris's hips are raised as if she's welcoming me with open arms. She lets out a moan that makes my heart quiver.
"Ah..."
"Our love has come to an end."
Gasp!
I startled awake in the middle of the night after I fell asleep out of exhaustion. I hurriedly grab the person next to me to make sure that Chris hasn't gone anywhere.
"Huh? What is it, Karn?"
The arrogant-looking woman woke up. She's surprised at how I look, though she's still not fully awake. I lean in to hug her tightly, wanting to make sure that she's real.
"I had a bad dream."
"What about?" "
I don't remember."
I don't want to talk about it. The feeling when Chris broke up with me and walked away still haunts me. It is as if my guilt is adhered to my forehead, and no amount of effort will remove it. I have never discussed this with anyone due to my profound shame at having inflicted such pain upon my lover on the spur of the moment.
Chris pulls me in to lie next to her and turns to hug me tightly. The soft scent from Chris's body relaxes me somehow. It feels warm and familiar, like I'm with...
my mother.
Yes... Chris breaking up with me is similar to when my mother was angry with me and turned her back on me. It made me realize what's important in life.
'Why be successful if there is no one to celebrate your success with?'
"Arc you having trouble sleeping'?"
"Ah-huh."
"Should we go another round, so you're exhausted?"
"Don't be so cute."
"So, let's go?"
"No. Let's just hug. I want to let my mind wander."
"About?"
"My mother."
When the arrogant-looking woman hears my response, instead of going back to sleep, she turns on the light and strikes up a conversation with me.
"What are you thinking about?"
"Concerning my mother... many things."
"Can you go into more details?"
"What do you want to know?"
"From the start."
I smile slightly and consider where to begin when telling my lover about my mother. I've never talked to Chris seriously about my mother before because it's too sad for me to talk about her. It's strange that, right now, I want to tell her everything about my mother. Having someone who wants to listen to it makes me feel good.
"Okay. I'll start from... when I was born."
"Okay. I have all night."
Aontakarn means darkness...
I was born at night. My mother told me that it was pitch black. There weren't any stars in the sky. So my mother suddenly came up with the name... Aontakarn.
To be honest, even if you listen to the name casually, it gives off a dull, not-so-lively vibe. But my mother thought differently. She said that it's mysterious and captivating. She said that when someone hears my name, they will never forget it. She never believed in any myths about how to name a child for good luck. She just picked a name that she liked, and it's been my name until now.
"Naughty kid."
My mother tends to say that to me because I was very naughty, though I pretended I didn't know I was being naughty. When I applied to a university, we agreed that I would get a degree in accounting. Yet I applied for a communication arts degree instead because that was what I liked the most.
I wanted to be an actress. That has always been my dream.
My mother always objected to that. She said that I should have a backup plan. I can study anything and still become an actress. But I'm the type who will give it all when I do something. I said that I would apply to the faculty of my mother's choice, but I didn't. And I got into the faculty that I wanted.
"Do you want me to drop out?"
"I knew you weren't the obedient type. You already got in. What could I do now?"
Though I was very stubborn, my mother always let me have my way. She was very strict when I was young. I had to follow her rules. Maybe it was because she was a counselor. She also believed this world to be a scary place. It made me very uncomfortable. I'd always seen myself as a good girl. I'd never strayed. But when I saw how my mother was, I decided to rebel by doing the opposite of what she wanted. It started that day... when I was hit by a car.
It was an accident that shouldn't have happened.
I remember that I ran away to my friend's house to get back at my mother. My mother had an iron fist rule, which was that I could not get home later than 6 p.m., not even a second later. I felt that it was unreasonable. What if I had school work, or what if I had to go do some group work at my friend's house? Did I have to go home first just because my mother had that rule?
So I wanted to rebel and break that rule. I wanted her to know that it wasn't that bad if I got home a little late.
But my defiance made what my mother had always feared come true... I was crossing the street at the crosswalk at night, and a car hit me hard because the driver didn't see me. When I regained consciousness, I was at the hospital. I remember how my mother cried nonstop. She apologized to me repeatedly, though she didn't do anything wrong.
"Naughty kid... how can I go on living if you didn't wake up?"
Since then... she has become a new person. She was no longer strict and became an amazingly easygoing person. She was so cute and kind. She slowly lifted her rules, but she would give me useful advice. Every decision was mine to make. She started to realize that I was the stubborn type. The more she tried to forbid me from doing something, the more I would rebel and want to do it.
It's not that surprising that my mother was very concerned about and possessive of me. There were only the two of us. My father passed away from lung cancer when I was very young. My mother was a single mother. She raised me well.
I'm a good person... I'm just disobedient some of the time.
When I realized that my mother was kind and easygoing, I became very self-centered because I knew that my mother would let me have my way in the end. She always puts me first. It made me forget that she would not be with me forever.
I thought that she would always be with me.
The love I got from my mother made me not seek love from anyone else. We were like friends. We could talk about everything. We were also beer buddies.
"Aon. You're all grown up now... You know about birth control, right?"
"Yes... condoms, birth control pills, and morning-after pills if it's an emergency." I answered as if I were very familiar with these things. Actually, I just learned about them from my friends. My mother seemed very awkward when I said that. It made me laugh.
"You know a lot."
My mother tried to act cool, but she's actually very old-fashioned. I know that well... She's so cute.
"If I really became pregnant, what would you do?"
"And... what would you do?"
"I'd probably get rid of it."
"Are you crazy!" My mother screamed at me like an old lady who's very panicky. She sat up straight and spoke with a shaky voice, as if I were already pregnant.
"You have to tell me if you become pregnant. Don't make any decisions on your own."
"Will you hit me?"
"Hitting you wouldn't help with anything if you already got pregnant... by the way..."
"Huh?" My mother paused for a while. It made me hide my smile as I sipped my beer. "By the way, what? Finish your sentence."
"Have you had sex?"
"Of course."
"Aontha!"
"Gotcha!"
I giggled as my mother's face turned bright red. I'm not sure if it was because she was angry or because she choked on her beer. I slammed my can of beer down on the table, crossed my arms across my chest, and whined.
"I'm still a virgin. I've never done something like that. I don't want to disappoint you."
"I won't be disappointed."
"Stop trying to be cool. You could not tolerate it if I had an affair with a man, considering that I am the daughter of a guidance counselor. You take pride in your job."
I moved closer to my mother and hugged her to ask for tenderness, like I always do. My mother seemed a bit frustrated at first. But then she sighed and patted my hand.
"But if that should happen, I will have to tolerate it."
"Why do you suddenly talk about this?"
"I saw a man drop you off"
"Toy?"
"Yes. I've seen his face. I've heard his voice. And I can tell... he's not a good man."
"You're biased."
"Can you not choose him?"
"I want to give him a chance first. He hasn't done anything bad yet."
"I'm serious. I don't like him."
"We can be friends."
"I can hook you up with some friends. A friend doesn't have to be a man... I have someone I want you to be friends with."
"Are you hooking me up with a man? How can I be sure that the guy you like doesn't just want my body?"
"A woman."
"You want to hook me up with a woman? Using fingers... that could be nice. I wouldn't get pregnant."
"Aontha!"
"You're so funny."
But I'm still me. If my mother tries to stop me, I will do it just to rebel at her... So, I decided to be with Toy. I intended to prove to my mother that I could take care of myself, and I wouldn't let him take advantage of me. Toy wanted me so badly. It was very obvious on many occasions that he could barely control himself, yet he didn't dare touch me because I was clear from the very start.
"We will slowly get to know each other. There will be no shortcuts. It will be very slow. If you can't wait, you can break up with me anytime you want."
"…"
"And I will also break up with you immediately if I feel unsafe."
I've heard that Toy likes to hit and run. He will move the relationship on quickly when he's with someone. But with me, he didn't dare do anything like that. I was impressed, thinking that he might have been serious with me. I thought that I wasn't like his other women. I bragged about that to my mother. And the only response I got was...
"Guys will show us only their good sides when they haven't gotten what they want. How many months have you been with him to judge him already?"
"Three months."
"Can you measure anything in that time frame?"
"You're just biased."
That was what I thought until Toy started to use one of his techniques. We were into our fifth month together. I was taken to a fancy dinner, and he ordered expensive wine. He didn't know alcohol was my best friend. He showed his true color when he pretended that the car broke down and tried to turn the car into a cheap motel on the side of the street.
"You're really going to do this?"
"What did I do? I just want to sleep... Hey, what are you doing?!"
Toy, who was about to turn the car into the motel, was shocked when he saw me open the door of the car and was ready to jump while the car was still moving. I'm bold enough to do anything, except...
Hurt my mother's feelings.
No matter how naughty and stubborn I was, I would never cause my mother any sorrow. Especially not this!
"Okay. I will drop you off at home!"
I got home after midnight that night. I intended to break up with Toy. I was so stressed because I almost fell victim to him. And things got worse when I had to confront my mother, who was waiting for me because she was worried about why I got home later than usual.
"Where have you been?"
"We went to dinner. I already told you that."
I avoided looking my mother in the eye, like someone with guilt. I felt like I lost to my mother because Toy was exactly the kind of man my mother told me he was. But my mother took it another way, which made me furious.
"You slept with him?"
"Mom!" I raised my voice frustratingly. "I didn't do anything like what you're suggesting..."
And I went quiet before I wanted to beat her again.
"Or even if I did it, I'm old enough to do whatever I want. You said you were okay because I know how to protect myself."
"Aontakam!"
My mother seemed angrier than ever. She has ways of calling me, which tells me how angry she was, just like the income tax rate. If she was a little angry, she would call me "Aon." If she were a bit more angrier, it would be "Karn." And if it's my full name, it means that she was furious and deeply disappointed.
Why would she be disappointed when I didn't do anything?
"It was okay if you wanted him as your boyfriend because I've always trusted you. But I never trust someone else. You're a woman. You can fall victim at any time and place."
"If you're okay with me falling victim, you don't need to ask so many questions. I'm all grown up. Why are you so worried about me?"
"At least, come home on time."
"What are you so afraid of?"
"I'm afraid that you'd be dead somewhere!"
As soon as my mother said that, she sobbed. It was the first time that I was stunned and turned into a little girl, like I was many years ago. I took her good intentions the wrong way. Though she was concerned about me falling victim to Toy, she was more concerned that I wouldn't return home at all.
She was thinking about that event when I didn't get home until late at night and I turned up at the hospital.
"Morn..."
My mother turned her back on me and didn't talk to me for two weeks. It was as torturous as when Chris walked away and didn't look back.
Exactly the same...