6
The right time
The most painful times of my life were when my mother passed away and when Chris broke up with me. I tend to hurt the people closest to me. Sometimes I do it unconsciously. Sometimes, that's not the case... When I fought with Chris, I searched for the most hurtful words to say to her because I was angry and I wanted to lash out at everything in this world. And Chris... the arrogant-looking woman who was never angry with me, showed up at the perfect time for me to lash out at something or someone.
"Having you in my life does not make me happy."
If being with each other is this bad, why be in love with each other!"
"We shouldn't have met."
When I said those words, my brain was all mashed up. I wasn't conscious. I wasn't thinking. I just wanted to lash out at someone who was related to the matter, and Chris was that someone. I was used to fighting and making up with her. I thought that Chris would try to make up with me like she's always done.
Yet, it was different that time... Chris cried.
My consciousness was restored when I saw the face, which was filled with tears but still smiling at me. I was stunned, yet I couldn't get any words out of my mouth. So the person in front of me said it and turned to walk away from me.
"Let's break up... Our love has come to an end."
The minute Chris said that to me was the minute I fully regained my consciousness. All the guilt flooded into me. I called out to the person who just turned her back on me, yet nothing came out of my mouth.
Don't go...
I didn't intend to say all that.
I reached out my hand to grab the air as Chris slowly walked out of sight. To be honest, I was very afraid... I didn't want to lose her, but I was afraid that she would turn me down.
If I called her but she didn't turn back... what was I to do?
If I ran after her but she insisted on leaving... what were my options?
If I turned into air and no longer existed to her, how could I go on living?
But I still had hope. I told myself, "No, Chris will come back to me. We will miss each other too much, just as we did today." I told myself that, though, deep down, I knew that what just happened happened. I couldn't turn back the time.
I've never told anyone this. Chris also doesn't know that that event was my sin. I get anxious and feel guilty every time I think about it. And I have nightmares about it, like I just did tonight.
Yes... tonight wasn't the first time that I dreamed about that event. I don't know what to do with this guilt of mine.
"Why have you gone quiet? Is that the end of your mother's story?"
Chris, who was waiting for me to continue my mother's story, asks when I let my mind wander and look out the window. I was snapped out of my reverie. I bury my face in the nice-smelling woman's neck to relax myself and ask for tenderness.
"You're so keen to listen to my story. Aren't you sleepy?"
"I'm wide awake now."
"Where was I?"
"Your mother wouldn't talk to you for two weeks. So how did the two of you make up?"
"I cried in front of her."
"So adorable."
My mother was very good at being cold and acted as if I were air and didn't exist. When I walked around the house, she would pretend not to see me. After enduring that for two weeks, I reached a breaking point and walked over to sob uncontrollably in front of my mother, despite being twenty-three years old at the time. I sobbed as if I were five years old.
"Don't do this to me. I was wrong."
Though I was crying, my mother was very calm and didn't pay attention to me. I had to hug her and beg her to talk to me. In the end, she went soft on me. She sighed, glanced at me, and reached her hand over to mess with my hair.
"This time, you will finally know who you should care about, Aon."
It was a lesson that made me realize that the people I should prioritize are the ones close to me. If my mother didn't care about me, I have no one else I can sulk and whine at.
My mother was that person... the one who was always concerned about me and always let me have my way.
My mother was trying to get me to stop being so stubborn and wanting to win over silly matters. She was trying to get me to walk on a stable path.
Sometimes my mother was my friend. But at that time, my mother was my life coach. My mother's warnings were always out of good intentions, but I resisted all of them. That event made me grow up and care about my mother's feelings more.
I thought I was already mature at 23, but honestly, I didn't know anything...
At that time, I tried to fade away from Toy according to my mother's advice. But he kept asking for an opportunity, and he promised that he would never attempt something like that again until we got married. I almost laughed in his face.
Married? I don't have that image in my head at all.
"You don't have that much patience."
"I can wait. I will wait."
My attempt to break up with him had no effect on that overly confident man. However, I have no problem with him being my boyfriend because I consider him to be no more than a friend. I don't have many friends, so it wasn't that bad to have Toy accompany me to a movie or dinner.
Though I was 23 at the time, I still follow my dream. I didn't give up, and I looked for opportunities to enter the entertainment industry, with my mother as my number one supporter. As I pursue my dream, I work at the same company as Toy. And eventually, my opportunity came.
I applied for a sports news announcer position with a new digital channel and was selected.
Though it wasn't a big channel, at least I got to be seen on TV. My mother was my loyal fan. She would always wait to watch me on TV, though she knew nothing about sports. She watched sports news just because her daughter was a sports news announcer. I gave it my all. I even resigned from my full-time job to announce the news only three times a week, and the working hours were only three hours per visit. The pay wasn't good, but I got to do what I wanted to do, though it was far from my dream job.
It was so far from my dream job that I knew that maybe I was just trying to fool myself.
Not everyone who's good-looking gets to be an actress.
Not everyone who's on TV is known.
Everything depends on luck, and I have no luck when it comes to my dream job.
I was very hopeful, but the feedback was not close to what I expected. I was starting to feel discouraged. Yet one person always encouraged me to go on—my one and only fan... my mother.
"Why care about others when you have me, who supports your work no matter what you do?"
"But you're the only one who waits to see me on TV. What's the point... I don't have any luck in the entertainment industry."
"Don't be discouraged like this. You've come this far... It may not be your day today, but you have to focus on the person who loves you. Why be successful if you don't have anyone who loves you to admire your success? Between having millions of fans without me being around any longer and having me around without millions of fans, what do you prefer?"
"You're just trying to console me."
"One day, you will know what I mean."
And that day came... the day my mother fell and never came back.
I remember how my world collapsed. If I had to compare it to something, it would be debris falling from a crumbling structure. My only encouragement in this world was gone. There was no one who would open the television to watch the news I was announcing.
My only fan was no longer there to admire my work. Success and making my dream come true were no longer important to me.
I remember that I was about to quit being the sports news announcer. I didn't want to do anything anymore. I didn't even think about what I would do after I quit. I just knew that... nothing meant anything to me anymore.
That was until I got a letter.
I got a letter from a fan that suddenly showed up... with the alias Apple.
I remember feeling that maybe my mother was playing me by pretending to be dead. Maybe she was going to surprise me by showing up and saying, "Boo! Do you know what it's like to not have me around anymore now, naughty girl?"
But that's that... that was only my imagination. My mother really passed away.
I took the letter to be the representative of my mother, though there was no relation between the two at all. The letter had a very romantic start to it. Reading the whole letter brought a smile to my face for the first time since my mother passed away.
Dear you... who is loved
That was a fan who showed up at the right place and at the right time. It reignited my passion during my darkest days.
"Zzz..."
"Oh?" I look up at Chris after I hear a snore. I scrunch my mouth sulkingly. She let me continue to tell a long story while she fell asleep. "Since when did you fall asleep?"
"Zzz."
I was just playfully sulking. I'm not mad at her. Just thinking about the letter makes me happy. Chris was the one who approached me shyly. She slowly came into my life so romantically, like no other man could.
I've never imagined myself being in a relationship with a woman before. But with Chris, it's different. We are both women, and we love each other a lot. There's no reason for it. Even Chris is surprised to have a girlfriend who has long hair, breasts, and everything she has as a woman.
Thud!
I hug the person lying by my side tightly out of cute aggression. Chris, who's still deep asleep, repositioned herself and put a leg over me so she could sleep more comfortably. The warmth from the arrogant-looking woman makes me smile slightly. I'm starting to become sleepy as well.
Thank you for coming into my life... and for making me love you this much. Thank you for making me aware of what I should prioritize in life.
It's you... who is loved.