8
Gone crazy
I'm not sure if I've ever talked about this... Chris's instinct.
Normally, Chris is very shy. Sometimes she seems suppressed and does not dare say or do what she wants. But once she drinks or is aroused, she will show strong leadership, which turns me into a little girl.
Sometimes, I try to be in control, but in the end, I have to give in and let the arrogant-looking woman have her way. And when it all ends, Chris will turn back into a shy woman. She wouldn't even look me in the eye, though two minutes earlier, she was dancing on top of me.
"Things didn't go as planned at all today... I intended to invite you to eat boat noodles25 on the street in front of our neighborhood, and I will go meet my friends." The fierce-looking one covers herself with the
25 A Thai style noodle dish with a strong flavor.
blanket, as if this were the first time we'd done this kind of activity. I've always adored this side of her. "But it's already afternoon. By the time we bathe and get dressed, I won't have time to eat."
"Are you saying that you don't get to eat because of me?"
"I'm just saying."
"Though it's you who took time to finish?"
"Crazy!"
Chris grabs a pillow and throws it at my face. She looks as if she's about to cry. I look at my lover adoringly and change the topic because if I continue to tease her, she may break up with me again.
Like I said, Chris will become very shy every time we do this.
"You never invite me to meet your friends."
"Do you want to go with me?"
I look at her smilingly because I don't know if I should say that I do. I've never asked to go with her because maybe they want to talk freely without their friend's lover there. No matter how I look at it, I'm an outsider.
"It's up to you. I was just saying."
"I want you to go with me, but I don't dare invite you."
"Why not?"
"I'm afraid that you would feel uncomfortable... I really wanted to introduce you to my friends, but I didn't want to bother you..."
When I hear the word 'bother,' I immediately become frustrated. I think I'm close to the arrogant-looking woman in front of me to a certain level, so this word shouldn't exist in our relationship anymore.
"What's the occasion? Or are you just meeting up?"
"It's Meen's birthday today. Come with me?"
"You're willing to bother me now?"
"Okay, you don't have to go... Ouch! Why did you pinch me?"
I'm so annoyed that I pinch the arrogant-looking woman's hand before I get up to go take a bath. Chris knows that the situation has turned sour, so she hurriedly ran after me with a blanket still wrapped around her. I don't know why she has to complicate things. She's acting as if I've never seen her naked.
"What did I do wrong? Why do I get the feeling that you're angry with me?"
"It's nothing."
"Ifs clear that you're angry with me. You have to tell me what's bothering you. I'm slow, and I can't catch up with you."
"I probably won't go."
"Oh..."
"I don't want to bother you."
"Why do you think that? We're close. We've done so many things together already."
"Yeah. So why do you not want to bother me? Together, we've experienced a great deal."
When I ask her back like that, she finally knows why she was pinched. She smiles at me dryly and pokes my shoulder in an attempt to try to reconcile with me.
"Okay. I will no longer fear that I will bother you. So, please dress up nicely and let me show you off to my friends."
"If you said that from the start, it wouldn't have dragged on like this. Why can't you be like when we do our activities?"
"Crazy!"
We brush our teeth in front of the mirror together. The fierce-looking woman glances at me a bit. She seems to have something she wants to ask me. But when I look at her, she turns away from my gaze.
"Say what you want to say. If not, I will be angry with you now."
"I don't know if I can ask you this. You wouldn't tell me about it earlier... Why did you cry this morning?"
I smile slightly and pretend to not want to say it to get her to want to know more. I just give her a shrug.
"What do you think it is?"
"It's probably about the entertainment business because you cried heavily... Can I ask about it? Will it make you sad again?"
"Nothing can make me sad except you breaking up with me."
"I haven't asked you this since we got back together. When we broke up... why didn't you get to be in a series or have any work in the entertainment industry? A didn't help you out?"
"Let's not talk about it. It makes me frustrated."
A was my greatest sin. When I think about him, I get furious. But I won't blame anyone but myself. My ambition almost cost me Chris in exchange for empty words.
I didn't want to think about that ever again, but when Chris reminds me of it, those memories come flooding in. I remember that I was shocked that Chris broke up with me. I felt like I was just sleeping, and it was all just a dream. It wasn't possible that we broke up despite loving each other that much.
The thought of breaking up with Chris had never crossed my mind... That's the honest truth.
Everything that I said was out of the spur of the moment. There was no thought process involved. When I saw our clip on social media, my rage soared uncontrollably. I wasn't in a condition to use any logic. Though I know that Chris didn't do it, I only thought about myself.
How could I go to work?
How could I face the people in society?
What about my dream of becoming an actress...
I let my emotions lead the way. I couldn't catch up with myself. I had to blame someone. I wanted to inflict as much pain on that person as I was in. And Chris happened to be in front of my house.
All the harsh words said were just to lash out. I only thought of myself. No one could be as hurt as I was. My life was ruined. No one could help me. How could anyone know the deep pain that I was in?
Chris! Did Chris know how much pain I was in!
And once I lashed out to hurt the person in front of me at that time, it bounced right back at me as soon as I saw Chris's tears.
"I understand."
"Let's break up."
"Our love has come to an end."
From that moment on, the person who loved me and always encouraged me was gone. Chris never got mad at me, no matter what I did. Or even if she got mad, it would be very shortly. But at that moment, she turned her back on me and walked away.
That moment, I knew I had made a grave mistake.
I didn't know what to do next. To be honest, I wasn't worried about my work or the dream that I had drawn for myself. I only thought about Chris.
How much pain was she in?
Was she crying at that moment?
I wanted to try to make up with her. I wanted to beg her to come back to me. But I was too ashamed to do all those things. I just locked myself inside my house. I take a leave of absence from my work and... I quit AppTalk because I didn't dare face anyone.
If I shamelessly went to work, Chris would be in so much pain. So, I was the one who quit.
I was wrong in all that. Since Chris was already the one who broke up with me, I couldn't be selfish and also took her job. As for the clip, it wasn't that big of a deal because I wasn't someone famous. I wasn't the leading actress who had to worry about gossip. There may be those who bullied me behind a keyboard with rude comments under AppTalk clips, but I wasn't that hurt by it because I knew that it would all pass.
And it passed...
It passed without Chris still being a part of my life.
I cried heavily. I couldn't eat. I lack the inspiration to do anything, just as when my mother just passed away. As I was crying heavily in my bedroom, I saw my mother's letter from the corner of my eye. It's the letter my mother wrote me before she died, which I hadn't been brave enough to read.
"You have to read it, MY Aontakarn."
Chris's voice as she handed me the letter made me cry once again. I had no one left. The only thing I had left was my mother's letter, which I'd been too afraid to read.
If I opened it, I would be admitting that... my mother passed away. I'd put it off until then, though I knew that she was really gone.
And yes... I opened the letter. Maybe it was because I was in deep sorrow and felt like I had no one left. So reading the letter would be like getting to talk to my mother through those letters. Have you ever imagined a voice when you read a novel or a book?
Is it a man's or a woman's voice?
Personally, I would imagine a woman's voice. And when I read the letter, I imagined my mother's voice.
Dear Aontakarn, my beloved daughter
I'm writing this letter with my full consciousness. I know that you won't be reading it any time soon because you're someone who doesn't dare face the truth. But that's good. Because this is a goodbye letter.
If you read it too early, you will be very stressed because, knowing you, you will be afraid of losing the people you love.
I'm very worried about Aon right now because, aside from me, you don't have any other close relatives to talk to. Actually, you have relatives. But I know that you wouldn't want to get to know them because you don't really know them.
I want Aon to have someone.
I want you to have someone you can talk to about everything—someone you can share your happiness and sorrow with. I admit that I made a mistake raising you without allowing you to have more people you're close to in your life. I should have pretended to not know what was going on or let you have a boyfriend with whom you could trust your life. I wouldn't be worried about you if that were the case. (But I really don't like your current boyfriend. He can't be trusted.)
Since I found out that I have a heart condition, I started to think about what I needed to do so that you don't have to be lonely. There's no certainty with this condition of mine. It tends to aggravate without any signal. So I can't predict when I will be gone. Right now, I'm trying to think of someone I can trust to take care of you.
I thought of sommeone. It may sound strange, but I want Aon to know this person through my letters.
Her name is Carissa Yungyuen. I remember this name vividly because, when I had lost all hope and thought that I would lose you from that accident. this student walked over to me and told me that she just donated her blood to you because she has the rare blood type that you have. There wasn't enough blood in the blood bank at that time, and your condition was very severe. That student extended both your life and mine.
Carissa was a girl who was quite beautiful. She may seem arrogant from the outside, but she's actually very kind. I just met her family and found out that she isn't doing well. She's blind. I'm so angry with myself that I can't do anything to help her.
It's sad that we couldn't help out the person who's helped us, knowing that she's in trouble. If I could donate my eyes to her, I would. But that's that.. the law doesn't allow that. So I can only pray that I can help her out in some way.
If I'm gone and you happen to be reading this letter before it's too late, please try to do something. Please try to find a way so that she gets the eyes I donated. But if it's not possible, I want Aon to be by her side and encourage her on because I'm sure that she will be a good friend who encourages you on as well.
It would be nice if things turned out the way I hoped. I believe Aon will be happy and won't be lonely, though I'm no longer with you.
I wish she had eyes to look only at you... like I always do.
So that she will be your encouragement... like I've always been.
In this world, without me, Aon will have her.
If it's at all possible... befriend her and be together until old age. Approach her. Carissa has a kind heart. I want Aon to have someone good in your life.
Even if I'm no longer with you, please know that I'm always watching over you. I haven't gone anywhere.
I love you
MY Aontakarn
As soon as I finished reading my mother's letter, I cried as if I were dying. I was so angry with myself for not reading the letter before this. It made me know what's important way too late. And I couldn't turn back the time.
I couldn't believe that Chris was the one who saved my life. And we happened to meet when we were adults, had a strange bond, and fell in love.
What was I supposed to do... I couldn't lose Chris, but I didn't dare ask for us to get back together because I wasn't good enough for her.
So that's what it means... to be too good for someone. That was the perfect case of someone being too good for someone—so good that I didn't dare to ask her to come back to me because I didn't want to hurt her again.
I locked myself in my house for five days. I became a zombie. And suddenly, A wanted to have a meal with me. I looked at our conversation on the chat application with resentment because I blamed him for ruining the most beautiful and important relationship I'd ever had in my life.
A : Let's have a meal, Miss Karn. I have the details of the role I want you to play.
I knew that it was a lie, but I agreed to meet up with him. I went to him with resentment and hatred. I wanted to clear things up with him. As soon as I got to the restaurant, A did what he always did, which was give me a huge bouquet. The flowers were meaningless to me. I accepted the white lilies that I used to like coldly and put them down emotionlessly.
"We haven't met for a while, Karn."
"Yes. Something came up. I think you must have seen the clip."
I got right to the point because I didn't want to beat around the bush. Red wine, ordered by him, was served. It put the conversation on hold, but we continued on right after.
"Yes, I saw it."
"I'm surprised you arranged this meeting."
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Because my name is already tainted."
"It doesn't make me admire you any less."
A is a polite man. He's always well dressed and well behaved. He can handle every situation well. He acted as if there was nothing wrong with the clip and that I shouldn't be embarrassed by it. He also encouraged me as a way to try to impress me.
But it didn't work on me. Because I knew it was all an act.
"Even if I have a woman as a lover?" T raised my wine glass and took a sip out of good manners. "That night that you said that someone called me, saying that she was my lover..."
"And you said that she must have had the wrong number."
"Honestly," I said, putting the wine glass down and placing my elbows on the table before I placed my chin on my hand. I made myself comfortable and charmed him at the same time. "I lied."
"…"
"I will be honest with you today. And as an exchange... I want you to be honest with me."
The stranger lifted his glass of wine and took a whiff of the scent before he nodded.
"Okay."
"Do you like me?"
When I got right to the point, the stranger smiled slightly and politely, as usual.
"Yes. I like you... in the romantic sense, like when a man likes a woman."
"And is that my ladder to becoming an actress?"
"Yes. I will do everything in my power to make your dream come true."
"Even though I had a female lover?"
"Yes."
"Why don't you seem at all bothered by it?"
"What should I be bothered about?"
"I am not heterosexual. I have a female lover. It's not what normal people do."
The polite man shook his head and smiled at me. His answer made me speechless.
"For me, women being together is just something to kill time. It couldn't possibly last. In the end, a woman must be with a man. And for me, a woman who has had a female lover doesn't have anything I have to worry about."
"…"
"It's just a fake relationship for someone who's trying to fool themselves."
I squinted at the person who was looking down at me. He sees himself as the center of the universe. It's as if, for him, there is only black and white in this world. There's no gray color. There's no middle path.
"What if... I don't want to be with you? Will that impact my opportunity in the industry?"
"Your ladder will be broken."
Because we were having a heart-to-heart talk, he showed me his true colors, as he wanted to go for broke. He has been coming after me for a while already, but he got nothing back in return—not even a touch. All we did was have dinner. But we had an understanding.
That was the last time I was going to ever meet him.
"Then let me skip to my last question."
"You can ask as many questions as you want. I have all night."
"It's okay. This is my last question."
"Okay."
"Are you Apple?"
I knew the answer to this right from the start. I just let it go and pretended that I didn't know because it was fun to watch Chris try to do something silly. One night, I tricked Chris into coming out to see A, and she suddenly left because A claimed to be Apple.
That night, I wanted to hear that with my own ears.
And the person in front of me nodded and answered loudly and clearly.
"Yes, I'm Apple."
Everything fell silent. We looked each other in the eye in the dimly lit restaurant. After around fifteen seconds, I laughed softly. The laugh gradually became louder and louder because I couldn't hold it in.
"Geez! Damned." I looked up at the person in front of me and twisted my mouth. "Can anyone bullshit as good as you?"
"What?"
"You heard it. You're a piece of sh*t!"
"Miss Karn... do you realize what you just said to me?" The polite man looked as if he just saw a ghost when I said that to him without any manners.
"Of course I do. Let me tell you who I am as well. I'm Aontakam Rakthai. I am 27 years old, and I'm sitting in front of a man who is dying to bed me. He sold me fake dreams so that I would let him take advantage of me. Nothing he's said has ever come true.
If you can bullshit about Apple, I have no doubt you can also bullshit about my opportunity in the industry."
"You will regret having said that."
"I've already made the biggest mistake in my life!" I got up, grabbed my purse, and pointed my finger at his face. "If I must be with someone like you to be in the entertainment industry, I would rather be in a porn movie. Bastard!"
I got up and left before I remembered that I forgot something. So I walked back, picked up my glass of red wine, and poured it on his head to show my sincerity.
"I hope we never meet again... Shameless."
I must admit that I was very happy after having said that. I got to be my full self. I lashed out at him after having kept it in for so long. And on that same day, as I was laughing like a mad person in my room when I got back home, I saw a car in front of my house.
It wasn't the first time that car was parked in that position.
Because it was a good day, for a split second, I thought that car must also be something good. I was hoping, deep inside, that it was Chris's car. When I thought of that possibility, I ran out to see if it was true. Though I didn't see who was inside the car, I remembered that it was Puth's car.
"Chris!"
As I called out Chris's name, the car drove off. I could only shout after it. I didn't run after it because I didn't want to disturb the neighbors at 1 I p.m. Yet, I was sure that the person in the car that was parked in front of my house almost every day was Chris.
It really was a good day. I got to lash out at someone, and I got to know that Chris came to see me almost every night. She just didn't show herself.
I just stood there and laughed like a mad person. I was happy about many things that day. It was a good day for someone who's been grieving, even though I haven't made up with Chris yet.
When I think back to that day, I laugh to myself silently. There was only a sound in my throat. Chris, who's driving me to see her friends, glances at me a bit. She hesitates whether she should ask me why I made that voice, so I take the initiative and tell her myself.
"Ask if you want to ask. Don't hesitate. It makes me feel uncomfortable."
"Are you okay?"
"No."
"What's the matter?"
I try not to smile. I just shrug and look out the window. I thank myself for doing what I did. If I could turn back time, I would do it repeatedly until I got my revenge.
"I've gone crazy."