Chapter 4
"Okay, I give. What's up with you these days?" Ruby asked as they prepped the diner for the dinner rush.
"What? Nothing, I'm fine," she said, snapping out of her daze.
"You're clearly lying. Considering you've been wiping the same spot on the counter for the last twenty minutes while staring off into space. There is clearly something on your mind."
"It's…nothing…" she said, shifting to a different spot on the counter.
"You can talk to me, you know that, right?" Ruby asked, pulling her away from her task so she could look at her in the face as they talked.
"I know, Ruby. Thank you." She took a deep breath, steeling herself before she dropped some news onto her friend. "I started remembering things…a little flash at first, then the flash got a little longer…" She reached for her shell necklace, twirling it around in her fingers for comfort.
"That's AMAZING!" Ruby explained, pulling her friend into a tight hug.
"I wouldn't start celebrating just yet. I haven't remembered anything else in months. Not since before winter. I think I'm right back to where I started." She sighed, disappointment in her voice.
"You haven't been to the beach in a while, have you?" Ruby asked, sensing her friend's frustration.
"No. It's too cold," she said, releasing a long sigh. "Winter always sucks for me."
"You know what, why don't you get out of here early. It's slow. I can handle the rest of the afternoon before the night shift comes in," Ruby said with a smile, snatching the rag from her hand. "The snow has melted and it's a nice warm day. Go to the beach. I'll cover for you if Killian calls."
"Really?" she asked, her face lighting up.
"Absolutely. I don't know if I'll ever understand your obsession with the ocean, but I know it's your happy place. Now get out of here before I change my mind." Ruby laughed, nudging her toward the door. She grabbed her bag and ran out of the diner, running as fast as she could toward the beach.
It had been over three months since she felt the sand between her toes. Three months since she heard the ocean's waves crashing against the shore. Three long months since she felt the ocean's breeze against her skin and in her hair. Three very long months since she was in her happy place. She threw off her shoes as soon as she could, closing her eyes as she felt the cool sand on her feet. She instantly started to feel better, just being near the water. She sat down in the cool sand and pulled out her well worn journal and flipped to the next page.
Greetings to my paper bestie.
I'm coming to you live from my favorite place on earth, the beach! It's been months since I've felt the sand under my feet and the wind on my skin. I hate the winter because of that. All fishing and dock work stops once it begins to snow, so I lose my happy place for a few months. Killian loves it when I can't go to the beach. I still haven't figured out why he is so against me being close to the water. He runs an independent fishing company, for christ sake. Thank god for Ruby and Granny for letting me work at the diner in the winter, so I can get away from Killian during the day and make some money in the process. It's bad enough I have to be away from the water for months, but if I had to deal with him all day every day, I would lose what little mind I had left.
Speaking of mind, it doesn't seem to want to behave again. I haven't recovered a single memory since the last one. Since I dreamt of my shell necklace. Since I dreamt of someone with soft hands tying it around my neck, making sure it was securely tied in place to make sure I don't lose it. And to add insult to injury, although my dream hasn't changed in the last three months, I've had it every night since. Every night I dream of being pulled onto the beach by an unknown person, who stops for a second before securing my shell around my neck. Then I wake up gasping for breath, with my heart pounding so hard I think it might explode out of my chest.
And then there's the ocean. These three months without the water is extremely difficult, and some nights it feels downright unbearable to be away from it. But it's too cold to go swimming. I made that mistake a few years ago, when I went swimming one night in the middle of February, when I couldn't bear to be away from the water any longer. I ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. After that, I stay out of the water when it's too cold, no matter how strong the need is. Which is torture.
I used to think writing in you was what was helping, but I'm sad to say, I was wrong. I've been writing in you regularly since my last memory and still nothing. Doctor Hopper told me not to give up, that my mind has been through such a huge trauma that it needs more time to recover. It'll come around when it's ready. But, between you and me, I'm ready to remember. I NEED to remember. I need to know what happened to me.
She looked up from the pages of her journal and saw the sun beginning to set, the faint colors already reflecting on the water below. She got up from her seat in the sand and made her way toward the water, allowing the water to wash over her feet, happy to find the water wasn't icy cold anymore. She smiled as she ran back to her bag and shoes, shedding her clothes quickly. She was tempted to take it all off but quickly decided against it. Although it was still early in the season, and most people usually stayed away from the beach, she knew there was always a chance she might not be alone the entire time, and it was still too bright out to risk being seen skinny dipping.
She ran into the ocean in her bra and panties, diving straight into an incoming wave as soon as the water reached her stomach. She dove deep into the ocean as she always did, swimming as far down as she could until she was inevitably forced to surface. Her lungs burned as she tried to push herself to swim deeper and deeper; three months out of the water has forced her endurace to fade slightly. Her muscles ached as she surfaced for the last time, witnessing the most amazing sunset she had seen in a long time. She treaded water, holding her head above the surface so she could watch the sky continue to turn colors as the sun disappeared from the sky, bobbing up and down with the surf. She stayed there, completely still except for her slowly moving legs, until all the color faded from the sky and darkness set in around her. She dove under the water a few more times before the lack of sunlight caused the water to become too cold once again, causing her to leave the water reluctantly.
She slowly walked out of the water when movement to the right caught her eye. Turning her head toward the movement, she saw the same woman she had seen on the beach a few times, walking out of the water as well, dressed in a T-shirt and ripped shorts. She gave the woman a short wave when their gazes met, receiving a shy wave back. She took a seat again, sand sticking to her wet skin as she waited to dry off a bit before heading back home.
I'm starting to think I'll never fully know what happened to me. That I'll never know who I really am. At some point, I'm just going to have to face the fact that my past will always remain a mystery.
She sighed when she realized it had become too dark now to continue writing, even though the full moon illuminated the beach with its pale light. She checked the time on her phone when she tossed her journal back inside, realizing it was time to head back home. Her shift had officially ended twenty minutes ago, and Killian would start calling her any minute wondering where she was.
She started to get dressed, realizing that her underwear was still too wet to wear home. She laughed when she realized she would have to take them off and walk home commando. She glanced over at the woman sitting a few yards away, making sure she wasn't watching as she quickly pulled off her ocean-soaked cotton panties, pulling her jeans on as quickly as she could. She glanced over her shoulder as she buttoned up her pants, catching the woman's gaze. She blushed for a second when she realized the woman had definitely been watching her, but oddly enough, she wasn't embarrassed that the mysterious woman had just seen her butt. She turned around and gave the woman another wave before grabbing her bag and shoes and heading toward the exit.
"You went swimming, didn't you?" Killian asked with disgust the moment she walked into the house. "I can smell the damn ocean on you from here." He had been sitting in the same position when she left the house that morning to work her shift at Granny's, only this time he was surrounded by beer bottles.
"Starting early today, I see," she retorted. She knew he would be drunk by the time dinner was finished. The only saving grace was the fact that he might pass out early from all the alcohol he had consumed while she was at work.
She threw some chicken into the oven to bake while she worked on making some mashed potatoes, hoping it would be an acceptable dinner for Killian. Killian was asleep on the couch by eight o'clock, his heavy body leaning against hers. She was hoping to slip out to the beach again once he was asleep, but everytime she moved he woke up, making sneaking out impossible. She eventually gave up and took a shower, going to bed early. She hoped Killian would sleep on the couch since he passed out there, and was disappointed once again to find him sound asleep in bed when she finished her shower. She laid down next to him and closed her eyes, picturing the ocean as always, imagining the sound of the waves in her mind, allowing her to tune out Killian's loud snoring and fall fast asleep.
She could hear the waves crashing into the shore. She had to focus to hear it, but it was definitely there. The unmistakable sound of the waves crashing against the shore. She focused her exhausted brain even more and she could feel the water against her skin, softly caressing her worn out body. She wasn't alone, she realized, when she felt soft hands against her arms. Whoever it was, they were struggling. Struggling to pull her across the sand and away from the water. The struggling continued for a few more minutes, until she could no longer feel the water against her legs, instead feeling the person collapse in the sand next to her for a moment. She tried to turn and look at the person who pulled her up onto the beach, but her eyes wouldn't open.
A moment later, she felt soft hands around her neck, securing something in place. She could feel the object fall against her chest. It was small, almost weightless and fastened around her neck with a thick piece of twine. It was somehow familiar. Very familiar. She tried to look down at the object that had been tied around her neck, managing to open her eyes for a split second.
She saw a figure laying next to her in the sand, but her eyes were too unfocused to see their face. All she could see was the outline of their body before her eyes closed once again against her will. She felt the person move around her again, shifting to the other side of her body, moving her right arm into their lap. A minute later, she felt a sharp pain in her right forearm. She wanted to move her arm away but something told her to keep perfectly still. Something deep inside her trusted the person hurting her arm. Somehow, she knew what they were doing was in her best interest. She turned her head and tried to force her eyes open again as she felt moisture drip off her arm…
She shot up in bed suddenly, a phantom stinging sensation radiating off her right arm. She looked down, expecting to see a fresh wound, but instead was met with the faded scar on her arm. The scar that said "E. Swan". Her name. According to the doctor's report, the scar had been a fresh wound when she was found, likely inflicted only hours before she was taken to the hospital. The wound that was assumed to have been self inflicted, even though it was on her dominant side. She ran her fingers over the raised and faded white scar, a tightness in her chest that told her to run to the beach squeezed her heart.
She ran out of the bedroom and into the dark living room, pacing the small room while the light from the full moon spilled into the windows, bathing the room with its radiance.
"I didn't do this myself," she whispered, running her fingers through her hair. "Whoever pulled me out of the water and onto the beach did this. The same person who tied my shell around my neck gave me these scars. They must have known what happened and wanted me to know my name. They wanted me to remember who I am."
She paced for a few more hours, somehow resisting the urge to rush back to the beach. She watched the sunrise through the windows until the intense urge to dive into the water dissipated. She still needed the ocean, but it didn't feel as intense. She heard Killian stirring in the bedroom, aware that he would be up soon, and hungover no doubt. She went to the kitchen to start the coffee, pulling out the carton of eggs, ready to start cooking, knowing Killian would want eggs for breakfast to nurse his hangover.
"Hey Ruby, can I tell you something?" she asked as she and her friend sat at a table at the Rabbit Hole a few weeks later.
"Of course!" Ruby said, sipping her drink.
"I…think I remembered something else," she said softly, as if afraid someone might overhear them.
"That's INCREDIBLE!" Ruby exclaimed, jumping up to hug her friend across the table. "What did you remember?"
"Well, it's more like an extension of what I already remember."
"Being pulled away from the water on the beach?" Ruby asked, making sure she remembered correctly.
"Yeah. And how I got my shell necklace," she said, her hand subconsciously reaching for the familiar purple shell around her neck.
"What else happened?" Ruby asked, on the edge of her seat.
"It had to do with the scars on my arm. The ones that everyone assumed I did to myself. I don't think I did." She waited for Ruby to comment, continuing when she didn't get a response. "Whoever pulled me out of the ocean did it. Which makes more sense. I'm right handed, how could I do this to myself if it's on my right arm?" she asked, subconsciously rubbing the scars on her right forearm.
"So, whoever pulled you out of the water that night carved your name into your arm?" Ruby asked, trying to process this new information.
"Yeah, I think so."
"Why would they do that?" Ruby asked.
She laughed. "I don't know. Maybe they wanted to make sure I remembered who I was? Ironic huh."
"And you still don't know who it was?" Ruby asked. She just shook her head sadly. "Are you sure it wasn't Killian? He did bring you to the hospital and knew who you were. Maybe he was the one who pulled you out of the water."
"It was definitely not Killian. His touch is always rough and harsh, and a little angry. This person's touch was soft and sweet, and full of love. It was definitely not Killian," she said, taking another sip of beer to try to hide the influx of emotions she suddenly felt thinking about her memory.
"What do you think jogged your memory this time?" Ruby asked after a few minutes of silence between them.
"I don't know. Maybe it was going back to the beach after being away for a few months. That's the only thing I can think of."
"Well, in that case, you better get your little ass back to that beach as much as you can!" Ruby laughed.
A few hours later, they left the bar, Ruby sloppy drunk as usual, needing her to walk her home once again. She made sure Ruby was safely inside her apartment before continuing back home. She was so deep in thought she didn't realize she had walked to the beach until she was standing in the water, the waves crashing into her bare ankles. She looked up at the crescent moon, silently praying to whatever deity was listening that she continued to remember more. That night she went to bed, hoping for another dream memory, disappointed when she woke the following morning and realized her dream was exactly the same as the night before. Maybe it wasn't the beach that was helping her remember after all.
A/N: What do you think so far? Questions? Comments? Concerns?