Chapter 17 - Love

I fell asleep, I think.

It takes a few minutes for my internal clock to deduce it's sometime between 0200 and 0400. The annoyance makes me sigh heavily but I suppose something is better than nothing. Up until a few days ago, the stupid thing was barely working at all.

What little comfort my quirk provides is erased when I hear a noise within my apartment. I remain silent, scooch myself lower in the bed and then reach for a pistol I keep inside the drawer of the night table.

As a woman living alone, I've always taken predictions especially given the various sensitive cases I've prosecuted. After my blurb with the CIA, my awareness is heightened and every single out of the ordinary sound is a cause for concern.

Sadik is dead. I remind myself. You killed him. But that doesn't mean he didn't leave instructions with someone in his organization and that threat terrifies me. Another sound sends a rush of adrenaline through me and rather than call the police my next course of action is to find the source.

I pad across my bedroom, careful not to step on parts of my floor that often creak. My door is ajar and in the darkness I can make out a male figure standing in my living room. He's tall, familiar and yet I still raise my pistol and shoot three times without warning.

It's Harm.

Through the haze of darkness I see him clearly, the accusing eyes tainted blacker than night. A pink stain slowly grows across the white dress shirt with Commander epaulets and all I can do is scream.

What have I done?

I've killed him - my friend, my partner, my lover. A black widow had ended another life and for this, I must end mine. Without thinking I press the barrel to my temple and squeeze out another round but the darkness I hope would claim me doesn't.

Instead I'm cold and wet. My body is shaking, shivering and I feel something damp being dragged over my skin. A voice speaks to me, Harm's voice asking me to wake up. "Mac…Mac, wake up."

My eyes open and immediately close again. The room is bathed in an obnoxious white light that makes my head hurt. I hear his voice again and the concern tears at my heart. He's alive, the heaviness of my had holding a pistol is gone as well. I'm in my room,laying in bed. The man I love is sitting next to me wiping my brow with a cool washcloth. "My head…turn off the light, please."

He does and the only light comes from the bathroom. "Nightmare?"

"Mmmm hmm." I nod and sigh when he returns to my side and passes the washcloth along my arms.

"Scared the hell outta me, Marine."

He's still here.

When Harm promised me he'd stay I figured it was only until I fell asleep. I offered him my bed, preferring to sleep in the living room where I could read or watch television if I were sleepless. He declined, tucked me into bed and kissed me goodnight.

Sleep didn't come at first but the tears did. I buried my face into a pillow and cried. I must have fallen asleep and clearly, he must have stayed. "I'm sorry."

"Wanna talk about it?"

No. I don't because nothing he could say will stop the stupid nightmares. "Not particularly."

"Okay." He's a little hurt but says nothing and instead helps me sit up. "We need to get you into the shower, Marine. Change your sheets. The bed is soaked."

My body feels hot, feverish and I notice how my sheets and clothing cling to my skin from sweat, lots of it - a product of night terrors that have plagued me since Paraguay. They were tamed a bit by Harm's presence. Or maybe the exhausting sex which made me sleep deeper?

He offers me two Tylenol and a glass of cold water I eagerly chug down. He helps me stand, ushers me towards the bathroom and I want to scream at him. I'm not an invalid or a waif for Harm to manipulate. I'm a Marine who's a little broken but still ready for battle.

But I like having him here and it feels good to let him take care of me. Just like last night he strips off all of my clothing, keeping his eyes on mine the entire time. "I'll change the sheets while you shower."

I'm normally the type to bathe with the hottest water but given how warm my skin is, I set the temperature as cold as it would go. At first it's freezing but after a few seconds, it actually feels so delightful like a cold shower on a warm summer day.

Once finished I put on my bathrobe and step out expecting to find Harm sitting on the edge of my bed. He wasn't and my heart sinks a little. Instead I find him back in my living room laying on the same spot that he fell when I shot him.

There's a bedsheet on the floor, a pillow and my throw - all the makings of a makeshift bed he doesn't have to sleep in. He's fighting with a pillow, trying to prop his head up to read a Clancy novel Harm pulled from my shelf.

When his eyes meet mine they aren't accusatory and the worry in those blue irises makes me start to cry. Harm's at my side in a second, his arms wrapping around me in a protective hold. He says something, a muffled promise that I can't hear and before long he carries me back to bed.

"Goodnight. Call me if you need anything." Once I settle down, Harm pulls the covers up to my chin and kisses my forehead.

When he tries to leave, I reach for him. "Mac?"

"Stay here. Stay in this room with me." I hate being so vulnerable but I won't hide it any longer. I need him, I know that now and my wounded pride will just have to understand. "Please."

Harm wants to say no, I can see it in his eyes and I wonder if he's thinking about the nights I've seduced him or the one where I pushed his buttons hard enough that it broke his control. It's not his body I want, at least not in that way. I'm terribly afraid of being alone. I don't want to deal with another crippling nightmare alone.

In his arms I've found some sort of peace. I need that now even though he only pretends to love me. "Sarah-"

"Don't call me that." He rarely says my given name and each time it's made me feel special. I hate that Sadik has taken that away from us, taken my identity to the point that my name sounds dirty. "He called me that. Over and over. I can't get his voice outta my head."

Harm's face flushes red and I know he'd happily resurrect my tormentor and kill him again if possible. He takes a breath and sits at the edge of the bed, his hands shaking as he holds them together. "What do you want from me?"

I want him to love me. I want him to take this pain away. I want more than he's willing to give. "Lay next to me. I don't want anything more than that."

"Okay." I lift the covers and he only hesitates a few seconds until Harm climbs into bed. He slides close to me and without warning his lips press against mine. The kiss isn't wild or passionate, only achingly sweet. It's over far too quickly and his fingers replace his soft lips. "I'm still madder than hell."

"I know and I'm not playing fair with you."

"You're not." He agrees on a sigh. "What was the nightmare about?"

I shouldn't tell him because it's just a little too screwed up and yet, I'm too tired to lie. "I heard a noise in my apartment and grabbed my gun, walked out and shot the intruder."

"Sadik?" He ventures gently.

"No…No. It was you." My mind flashes with that horrible vision - the red hues seeping through his shirt and his dark eyes blaming me for everything. They were so different from the ones looking at me now. "I shot and killed you and then…I turned the pistol and shot myself."

"That's terrible." He says quietly and then bites his lower lip. Harm wants to ask, I know he has to and the shadows that fall across his face frightens me a little because the truth is rather muddled. "Have you…wanted to, uh, hurt yourself?"

We shift a bit, enough so that my head rests on his shoulder and his hand gently brushes up and down my spine. I close my eyes and pretend this is just a normal day and we're a normal couple but, even with this tenderness from him, I wonder how badly I've destroyed us. "Yeah, I have."

"Mac-"

"I won't." I clarify when his hand stops moving. The wheels are turning in his head almost audibly and I move a bit to look at him. "When I was a kid, I thought about it. Death was better than the life I lead but, then my father would do something nice and kind and it didn't matter anymore."

"And recently?"

I have thought about it, even this very night before I found him sitting on the coffee table staring at me with utmost confusion. "Earlier tonight…Last night, whatever, I wanted to." This makes him take a breath and I suppose he's glad he rushed to my apartment. "I won't do it, Harm. It's just thoughts. Dark thoughts but, only thoughts. As messed up as I am, there are parts of my life that make it worth living."

He relaxes somewhat and the hand that had once stopped begins moving slowly again. He slips a hand beneath my t-shirt, the feel of his skin on mine is almost too much. I'm reminded how tender he could act around me and the countless times he's brushed my tears away. I like this version of him, not the superhero persona that is overly cocky and often too intense. Hell, I like that too and wouldn't want Harm any other way.

"It's gonna be okay, you know. Tomorrow we'll go to Bethesda, find someone to help you."

"Tomorrow? Why so soon?" God, I didn't want to move that quickly. I just want to stay in his arms and never let go of this moment of peace.

"The sooner the better."

"What will I tell them?"

"Everything, I guess."

"I can't, some things are still classified." I could change the names, dates and the players involved. But what if the crux of my trauma isn't related to Paraguay but to the troubles I had since childhood. That's a wound I don't want to open because I buried them along with my father, hadn't I?

Christ, who am I? How'd I become that woman I hated, the kind that throws pity parties. I don't like her, not one bit especially since the Corps had taught me to shoulder everything life threw at me.

I am a strong Marine. But sometimes I don't want to be strong. Sometimes, I just want to be Sarah and not the stranger I see in the mirror these days.

Harm nods, "I know but, the military therapists are trained for that." And probably have heard far worse than the tale I have to tell. "Try to get some sleep, Mac."

His hand pulls out of my shirt and rests lightly on my hip. Harm's keeping me close but the skin on skin contact is gone and I realize how much I need this man. He's strength and warmth, the other half of me but I've been terrible to him - so hurtful. Still, I need to ask one thing of him.

"Harm? Will you kiss me again?"

His response isn't verbal nor does he hesitate as I believed he would. Soft lips press against mine and I instinctively touch my tongue to his. It's slow, gentle and a way of loving one another we rarely allowed ourselves. Intimacy between us was mostly reckless, rough with occasional moments of tenderness I probably didn't deserve.

He professed his love for me countless times and I typically ignored his affection despite craving it. Now my heart had shifted and my soul did too. The universe aligned itself with all of the celestial beings and for once I felt worthy of being his. "I love you."

The words form freely against his lips and it takes Harm by surprise. He leans back enough to look at me with a half grin and the most adorable expression. "That's the first time you've said it."

"No, it isn't." I remind him of our first tryst and how just moments before he pinned me against his closed door, I had returned to his apartment. I realize now he never heard them because, had he, the reckless sexual encounter wouldn't have happened.

"I'm sorry, Mac."

"I am too for not telling you sooner… I kept expecting you'd make the first move." Especially after he made me feel like such a fool in Australia.

"I kept trying to do the right thing by you. It just doesn't make sense to me anymore. And I don't want to be 'just friends' with you or friends with benefits if that's what this was." My term had been much more crude: we'd been more of the fuck buddy variety. Only we weren't, especially not when we were spending more and more time together.

"What do you want?"

He tips my chin up and looks at me with such tenderness, it makes me catch my breath. Harm's gaze is intense, his eyes taking an exotic cerulean hue. His lips curve into a half grin and come so close to mine. "All I want is to love you."

He's kissing me again, consuming me slowly. Given the rollercoaster ride of the last few weeks I'm surprised Harm's still here and he still wants me. This meeting of our lips isn't rough or punishing nor is it full of lust and erotic imagery. It's loving like kissing my mouth breathes life into both of us.

And yet, he's holding back, trying not to let his emotions push for more than I'm ready to give. We probably shouldn't sleep together when so much has happened but, I can't help myself. With each kiss and each caress, my body involuntarily pushes against his. I want his intimate contact, I need it like the air that I breathe. But I want so much more than another tryst. I want him, all of him. I want his heart. "Make love to me. Please, make love to me."