Till death do us part
chapter 33
(c) 2024 by ihatemilk
_She stood and stared, a shiver covering her flesh in goosebumps, her heart pounding, eyes welling up, streams of tears flowing down her face.
She wanted to speak and couldn't.
Not when the familiar, dark brown eyes warmed her with their gaze; the hypnotizing, subtle, loving gaze that coated her with a cocoon of safety that she only felt in her life once, two thousand years ago, in the land far to the East, in the presence of the black-haired woman that, inexplicably, now stood right in front of her.
"This is Dr Lee," the receptionist said chirpily, the sound echoing somewhere far away. "Are you okay, miss?
"She will be," the smooth, velvet voice stated with electrifyingly calm confidence, sending another wave of goosebumps over her forearms. Gods, she recognized her… did she? The beautifully angular, dark, hooded eyes shimmered, keeping her frozen in place. "Shall we?"
It was like a trance, when they entered the room, the blonde's eyes widening.
"I'll take over now, thank you," the velvet voice announced calmy, making the blonde vanish without a word.
When the door closed behind her, leaving the three of them alone, Ares shifted in his seat almost nervously.
It was like a trance, and exactly like it was back then, in their other lifetime; the two of them on the floor, facing each other. Only that now, the man looking her in the eye, the father of her child, the man she was at odds with, wasn't her prey, a tool, foolishly in love with her like Borias; it was the God of War, the lifelong enemy she now cursed herself for loving, loving whom hurt as nothing before. She closed her eyes.
"Breathe and feel…" the voice filled the air, soothing, like a quiet after a storm. "Stop willing, stop desiring, stop hating…"
Snapped out of the trance by sudden commotion around her, she opened her eyes to his alarmed gaze, his face so close, inches away, his hold tight and protective around her. "Whatever the hell you're doing, you can't upset her like that," he said as a warning, his touch gentle on her face as he wiped it dry; she never even realized she cried in the first place. A part of her ached to push him away.
"Let him," the calm voice vibrated in her ears, reading her mind, making her ease into his embrace instantly, as if under a spell. "Close your eyes. Let it heal you."
She did, she let her lids fall shut, focused on his hand stroking the middle of her back, and the flow of tears was conscious now, uncontrollable; and she didn't care, it just felt so good, overwhelming, lifting the heaviness off her chest.
"Let her. She has to let it all out."
She didn't know how long it lasted; long enough to leave her spent, his embrace not burning anymore.
"You feel gratitude. Let yourself feel it, let it heal you."
She let her cheek rest against his collarbone, breathing him in; there were still voices inside, screaming, but not loud enough to stop her enjoying his closeness. It was like she didn't care anymore, like the black veil was gone, it was all just light and clear, so suddenly, so light.
Somehow, she really was grateful, she wasn't sure to whom or for what exactly, but the feeling was so strong that she felt a lump growing in her throat, tears forming anew.
She wanted to touch him so badly; and stopped herself, some sudden reluctance keeping her hands tied.
Then, they were seated opposite each other again, and she looked at him and wondered, how come it felt so good just to see him.
"Come," the voice summoned her. Never breaking the gaze, she made her way to the sofa, stopped right in front of him.
There was so much in his eyes, too much to discern what it was, but it was like an ocean, like a whirlpool, drawing her in, about to pull her under.
"Tell him," the soft, warm voice said. She raised her eyes towards it, meeting the loving, dark brown gaze, fighting with herself, her reluctance fading, pride weakening. "Tell him what hurt you."
Her eyes moved back to him; his gaze apprehensive, waiting, melting away all the remaining barriers.
"That you didn't tell me about your problems."
"I didn't want you to think I was weak."
"I wouldn't have thought that. On the contrary, I would've thought you were strong for sharing it, and letting me support you."
Her heart tightened when she saw how moved he was, how his eyes shimmered.
"I felt it should've been me who should support you, not the other way round."
"It has to work both ways," she said quietly, blinking away tears, struggling with the urge to touch his face.
"I know it now…"
She swallowed, her breath getting shallow.
"Tell her," the voice resounded again, the hypnotizing, dark eyes turning towards him.
His lashed fluttering, he looked down, his lips tensing. Then, furrowing his brows, he spoke, quietly, reluctantly. "I thought it would pass with time, that I would… just get used to you, to us being together, but it only got worse. I tried to focus on work, but… all I could think about was you. Well, this and… I couldn't perform my work duties as before – before you started your – damn brainwashing…"
She sighed softly, her chest tightening, the urge to hold his face growing unbearable, yet something was still holding her back. "I wish you had told me…"
"What was I supposed to tell you? That I'd rather sit home with you than wage wars?" he smirked bitterly. "I felt powerless enough as it was."
"Why?"
He let out a breath.
"Tell her," the soothing, hypnotizing voice reached them from aside. "She's there for you. Let it heal you."
He exhaled again, noisily, glancing up at her before looking down again. "Because, for the first time ever, my life lost the meaning it used to have. It was you, it was like… you took it over, all of it, made it depend on you, changing me, the way I see the world, the way I feel… like I had no control over it, anymore."
"It wasn't my intention..."
"The worst part was, I loved it," he huffed, "it was like a drug. The only thing I hated about it was realizing that it's gone so far that, if I lost you, I – wouldn't be able to – there would be nothing there anymore, like – I just couldn't wrap my head around it, it freaked me out, this feeling that I wasn't my own person anymore, that I couldn't do anything about it," he paused, shaking his head with a snort. Then, quietly, he added, "…that I didn't want to."
She couldn't fight it anymore; she touched his shoulder. And froze when he flinched.
"Let her in," the voice guided him. "Let her heal you."
She kept her hand where it was, feeling his muscles relax under her palm; and his words settled in, her forehead tensing, the room suddenly lacking oxygen, air getting in and out of her clenched throat with effort, waves of emotions flooding her, too many different ones to act on any, too much at once.
"It's not exactly something I could've told you, without feeling even more like a loser. And I didn't mean to sleep with her, it just… I guess it was just a glimpse of, how it felt to be in control again…" he said, and it was her who flinched this time.
"Don't let go," the voice stopped her hands from leaving his shoulders. "Stop thinking, stop hating. He invites you in, be there for him."
With a deep inhale, she let her eyes close, let her hands roam up to the sides of his head, fingers sinking into his hair. It felt so good; there were voices in the back of her head, trying to stop her from giving in, but it felt too right not to; maybe she'd regret it later, but for now she needed it, to feel him like this.
"When I realized what I did, I felt like shit. I didn't wanna be like my father… it made me realize that… I never wanted to do it to you again."
Her hold on his head tightened as she felt his hands glide up her hips, his face pressing into her belly. It was strange, she wasn't crying, but the tears kept flowing, as if on their own.
And there was something else; some calming, soothing feeling. Something like, as if all the puzzle pieces fell into place, finally; not perfectly, maybe, but it was enough for now. Maybe, it was enough, not just for now.
Maybe, it was like the palm tree; perfection made it fake.
Maybe, it was a flaw here and there that made it real.
#
"What the hell was that?" He asked with his brows raised when they were outside the building.
"Well, it was you who chose the place."
"I don't know how she did that, but – she's damn good at whatever it was she did."
She smiled in response. "She's just as I remember her…"
"What? Where're you going?"
She sighed. "Let's go for a walk."
They crossed the street and turned into a stone path leading to a little park nearby.
"Remember when I went to Chin?" she said after a while.
"Oh yeah, to slay the dragon guy?"
"Ming Tien…" Her expression hardened at the unpleasant memory. "He killed her. His own mother."
"Wait, what? Oh, gods – so, she's an incarnation of that woman, from Chin – the mother of the dragon guy – that he killed."
"That was why I went to Chin."
"To avenge her… I remember, you left everything behind, even Gabrielle."
"I owed her my life."
"Well, it's a shame she doesn't remember it," he said lightly, drawing a hit of his cigarette.
"I'm not so sure about that."
"We can always go somewhere else."
"No!"
"You know, when I suggested this, you developing a crush on our therapist was the last thing I expected…"
"Are you serious?"
"I don't know, should I be?"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
He sighed. "Well, there goes not arguing…"
"It's good that she showed up, though, because our first therapist was close to getting dehydrated with how much she was drooling."
He chuckled. "Oh, I loved it how you put her in her place, it was so damn good I got tears in my eyes."
"It's easy to make you laugh," she said dismissively.
"It is, for you," he said; and, there was something so warm in his voice that she felt herself smile. Gods, how she missed him…
"Wanna sit down?" he offered when they reached a small, white, wooden bench.
His touch didn't make her stiffen anymore.
And, even though she expected the effect to wear off eventually – later than night, for the first time in days, they had dinner together.
And, when he reached for her hand, she didn't flinch. And didn't scold herself for loving it, either.