Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Forty-Two
I bring the cup to my mouth to gulp some more coffee.
I'm hoping if there is no more coffee in the cup it will curb my impulse to throw it in this assholes face or worse toss the cup and throw my fist at his condescending smile.
The hand touches my shoulder as I'm swallowing and internally counting down trying to quell my anger, it squeezes my shoulder and pushes slightly down trying to hold me to the floor. That hand knows I'm struggling to not create a scene.
"Josh, this is a surprise. We weren't expecting you, we thought you were still in Europe." It's said with the Midwest usual politeness but with a slight tone. I've been on the receiving end of that tone, it's a tone that says you are not as welcome as the politeness denotes.
"Mr Walsh. Happy Anniversary Sir."
Josh holds out his hand forcing Jim to remove his from my shoulder, he does so I can tell reluctantly. He heard, I know he did, and if the way he is shaking this assholes hand with reserved politeness is any indication he is as angry as I am. "Thank you. My daughter didn't mention you were joining us tonight."
"No, I haven't been able to catch her on the phone all week. I haven't had an opportunity to tell her that I was able to move my sponsorship activities around so that I could fly in."
"Yes, I doubt you would of as she hasn't been staying at the condo this week. She's been staying with family." His head turns to me, "speaking of family. Son my mother is trying to find you, she heard there is a Sinatra song coming up and she is insisting that she claim that dance you promised her. I'm apologising in advance for her, she is very excited to finally meet you after all these years." He touches my shoulder again and squeezes it with a warmth that tells me he's proud that I didn't lose my head, proud that I've grown in the eighteen months since we were last at a big party here. A party where we fought and I threw a bottle after nearly going for a drink. "She sees you as her honorary grandson one who she is desperate to get to know personally. I think you'll be forced to dance a few with her tonight. Heads up though she told Cindy and I earlier that she has decided to plan a Walsh reunion this upcoming summer, my advice if you don't want to be roped into going indicate you already have a trip planned before she brings it up."
I knew what he was doing, and I also knew he wasn't lying. Jim had told me weeks ago that he hoped Bren and I could figure it out, this conversation was a clear indication that he still wanted that. He was claiming me as family. He was telling Josh I was family here. Even being unaware what was going on between his daughter and I he was throwing his support behind me.
"No problem I'll go right now."
"Thank you." As I turn his voice stops me, "oh don't worry if she keeps you on the dance floor for too long. Brenda I know will rescue you if she tries for more than two songs. My mother has no ability to say no to her granddaughter."
I laugh, "I have the same affliction."
He smiles, "I know you do."
When I get outside I take a deep breath, trying to shake the anger off me. When I'm no longer seeing pure red I search her out, I'm not surprised that her eyes are on me and full of worry when I find them in the crowd. She immediately excuses herself and begins to walk towards me and I go to meet her halfway.
"What's wrong?"
"I know I said I wouldn't ask questions but it's definitely over with you and Josh right? Like you aren't on a break or something?"
Her voice is laced with hurt and offence, "Dyl, you know me better than that I wouldn't-"
"Damn it." My hand goes to my forehead and I rub, I don't want to start something with her I don't want to take this out on her. "I'm sorry. He said some things and I'm… I'm sorry I know better. I know you wouldn't do this to either of us."
Her eyes go large, "He's here?"
"Yeah, he's inside."
"Dyl, I didn't know. I would have told you-"
"Hey. Hey, relax I know you didn't. Besides him saying it I know you wouldn't keep that from me. I know you would have given me the heads up if you thought he'd come." She gives me a weak smile, it helps remove the anger but not the hurt. "I didn't know he was calling you so much. I didn't know he… he seems pretty stuck on the thought you should go back to him."
"Oh, you shouldn't have had to hear that. I'm sorry. He's… remember when we broke up at the end of sophomore? He's taking it like that."
"Please don't compare us to you and him. And don't compare how I love you then or now to how he does." The angers back.
"Dyl-"
"No on this I'm going to draw the line. He doesn't know you like I do, he hasn't gone through what you and I have, even back then in our first six months. He doesn't get the same billing. I couldn't let you go that summer because I'm never supposed to let you go and you know that. From the moment we met we weren't supposed to be apart. I know he loves you, I don't know how anyone can't love you, but it's not the same. He can't love you nearly as much as I love you. It's impossible."
She smiles with those sparkling eyes and instantly everything dissipates. I'm back forgetting my name. "Impossible?"
"Yeah, impossible." My voice takes on the huskiness the timber that is reserved only for her.
"We are doing it again. We are giving each other that look."
"Hmm, if I look at you I'm giving you that look. It's how I look at you."
"Dyl…" it's a weak attempt at sternness.
"Voulez-vous que j'arrête de chercher?"
She squeezes her lips together trying to hold in this feeling behind a mask of naturalness, she crack's as the French rolls off my tongue.
She's smiling again, "Non mais..."
In French I become brave, I risk pushing her. "Mais... est-ce que ça sera toujours là ? Je resterai peu importe si c'est le cas, je resterai parce que je t'aurai comme je peux. J'ai juste besoin de savoir si je dois vivre avec le mais."
" Non. Je... j'ai juste besoin de temps."
"Okay." My head nod's, I can do that. "Sinatra just started. I should go dance with your grandma." She smiles in thanks for not pushing her more, for giving her the time and space she needs. I move to walk past her, but she surprises me by grabbing my hand.
"Save me a dance?"
"Just say the word and I'll save all of them for you."
I squeeze his hand in response and then drop it. As he walks away I'm struck with the most overwhelming feeling that I'm messing this all up. I'm messing this up and I'm hurting him. He doesn't deserve that.
Three feet I make it before Brandon is in my way. "Little sister?" The accusation is clear.
I look past him wanting to figure out how to get Josh out of here without hurting anyone. "Brandon, please not now."
"Bren?" The accusation is gone, my name is said in a way that tells me to look at him, that he's worried. I lift my eyes to his. "How long?"
"Brandon." I can't do this now.
"How long?" It's said with the force of the Walsh stubbornness. I know I'm not getting past him until he gets his answer.
"Baja."
"Bren-"
"Please can we do this later? Look later you can tell me how much of an idiot I am for trusting him again, after everything he's done how weak and naive I am. How you never thought-"
His hands land on my upper arms, "Bren, I'm not going to say any of that. I'm not going to say it because I know how much he loves you, how much you love him. I know how he hurt you, I saw how you both ripped yourselves apart trying to breakaway from each other. I don't think you are weak or naïve. I think you are the strongest person I know to be able to forgive him, the bravest to be able to trust him again."
My eyes fill with water, "You do?"
He pulls me in, my head lands on his chest, "I do."
"I don't think everyone will think that."
He steps back and looks at me, "when has my stubborn ass sister ever cared about what anyone thinks? When have you ever let other peoples opinions get in the way of what you want?"
I breathe out, "Josh is inside. I didn't know he was coming here, but he's inside because he's in love with me. He's a good guy who's in love with me and I'm-"
"Not in love with him. Bren, I like Josh. He's a nice guy but he knew from the start what he was getting mixed up in. You aren't doing anything wrong."
"I feel like I'm hurting everyone. I feel like I'm a disappointment- my agent and producers are talking about me being the Midwest actress with moral values. That's how they want me marketed, how-"
"Bren you aren't a commodity, something for sale. You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to be, do what people expect you to do. When you met Dylan you stopped trying to be perfect for Dad, you gave yourself permission to be yourself. After everything you and I have been through with Mum and Dad, don't replace Dad's unfair expectations with that of the American audience. After the last eighteen months you deserve to be happy. I want my little sister happy."
It's my turn to reach in and hug him. He leans down and whispers, "D is the only one who has ever made you look like you were a few minutes ago. Jones makes you radiant."
"Did everyone see?"
"No the gang is over the other side of the dance floor. Bobby is holding court. I was just coming back from walking Grandma over here."
"Walking Grandma back. Should I ask?"
"Let's just say it's going to take all Bobby's sweet talking to get Grandma on board with anything with him and Kelly."
"Oh no what did she say?"
"Kelly mentioned their horse riding date last time he was here and said they should go again. Grandma made a comment that she doubts it could be replicated, she doesn't see you or Dylan willing to double date with them again. Kelly got embarrassed. I jumped in then and walked her away with excuses that Sinatra was coming on. Dad who was walking past went to get her a tea hoping that it would distract her."
"Am I really like her?" All my life I had been compared to my grandma.
"Not at the moment. Grandma doesn't care what people think of her or her decisions. As long as they don't hurt anyone, take from anyone then she'd tell everyone to mind their own damn business."
Translation:
Do you want me to stop looking? = Voulez-vous que j'arrête de chercher ?
No, but... = Non mais...
But... will that always be there? I'll stay regardless of if it is, I'll stay because I'll have you however I can. I just need to know if I have to live with the but. = Mais... est-ce que ça sera toujours là ? Je resterai peu importe si c'est le cas, je resterai parce que je t'aurai comme je peux. J'ai juste besoin de savoir si je dois vivre avec le mais.
No. I... I just need time. = Non. Je... j'ai juste besoin de temps.