Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Forty-Three
Dylan moves out of the dining room without fuss. Two years ago, heck nine months ago he would have been yelling and threatening this guy. I knew it wasn't his father's passing that got him to calm down that made him get the help he always needed. Losing my daughter had done that.
I always thought he'd self destruct, in my gut I knew he was always one bad day away from it. I didn't know what it would be. His father's assets being frozen and my daughter calling for a time out saw him become unstable at the end of our first year here. He subconsciously or consciously hurt himself by going into that dangerous ocean to escape that reality. His mother junior year got him to the tipping point of destruction, Brandon got him out of the scene but it was Brenda who got him back off the ledge. Baja our fight, our ongoing fights saw him get close- no it sent him spiralling to the bottom.
I expected him to self destruct with booze, runaway, drugs, hurt himself. My fear was that happening around my daughter. She didn't need to witness that, she had been the glue holding him together through all the other close calls. I wanted something better for her than a life of close calls.
His slow destruction after Baja I can admit was my fault. I just never thought though he'd destruct in such a way. Cheating, lying, hurting her- the guilt I carry for sending him down that path, for unintentionally hurting the person I was trying to protect played on my mind. It had damaged my relationships with my wife, my daughter, my son and Iris. Dylan though, Dylan had understood. He sat in my office before the summer and told me everything, explained why my daughter was uncharacteristically absent from his father's funeral. Why if he came over she would make sure not to be anywhere close. He explained the summer the senior year, took responsibility for it, spoke of a phone call where he yelled at her. Spoke of hitting bottom.
Never once did he blame me, he owned it all.
To him I was the finger that pulled back on his trigger but he didn't blame me for that, he blamed himself for having a trigger. I had watched my father up until his death be triggered. He never recognised it. My mother as strong as she is would become small whenever the switched turned. He wasn't violent per se but he could be cruel and mean, he'd use his authority his intelligence to make you feel controlled and insignificant. He'd turn to gambling or a couple of binge drinking nights to self medicate his demons. He never was an addict, but triggered he'd go down some dark paths taking his wife and sons along for the ride. My daughter didn't deserve to live like my mother had. My future grandkids didn't deserve to be raised fearing the floor falling away like my brother and I had.
The teenager I met, the one I knew for two and a half year's was capable of that. The man that sat in my office before the summer wasn't. Tonight, hearing Josh bait him and him controlling himself was testament to that. I feared the trigger, it had been in his eyes whether he knew it or not, from the moment we met. Eight months ago after I now understand a destructive phone call was had, I saw it begin to fade. Six months is when I saw it disappear, tonight I saw it had officially left him.
Dylan told me not all his demons were gone, some were just dormant. We all had demons. Mine were from my father, it made me cruelly threaten him over eighteen months ago. We all have demons, so I don't expect my future son in law to be perfect but I did need him to recognise them, to actively work towards them not being an issue. I needed him to continue doing that forever; a lesson I recently learned I needed to adhere to myself.
"Josh I'm sure you are exhausted from your long flight, so please don't feel obligated to stay if the jet lag kicks in." I was aiming for subtly, from his frown I don't think I achieved it.
"Thanks Mr Walsh but I'm fine. I've grown use to the constant moving around. Is Mrs Walsh outside I'd like to wish her congratulations for your big night?"
I didn't want him outside, I didn't think Brenda wanted him here. I heard her tell my mother they had broken up. I didn't think he was welcome but I didn't know for sure. My demons had made me take away my daughters choices that summer, the fallout of that was still being felt in my family I couldn't do it again. I could though buy her time to get in here, and I knew she'd come. She'd see Dylan's face and know that something had happened. "Why don't we get you a drink first, maybe a plate to eat before they finish packing it all away. My wife will be in shortly, but if she finds out I haven't fed you… well you know Cindy and food."
It took till he had a full plate and me insisting on him telling me all about the competition while I made my mother a cup of tea before she arrived. She looked at me over his shoulder hearing me ask question after question, she understood. Her smile of thanks made my heart feel lighter. It had been a long time since my daughter looked at me with anything but disappointment and distrust. That smile was the best gift I could receive.
"Brenda Honey, look who's here?" I hold out my hand to her, hoping that she'd come over to me. I didn't know how she'd want to greet him, offering my arm gave her an out from deciding.
She still fits under my arm. "Hi Josh. I didn't know you'd be here."
"Hey Darlin I didn't know if I could make it work till just a few day's ago. I didn't want to get your hopes up."
Her hmm is the only response before she looks up at me. "For Grandma?" her eyes move to the tea, I nod. "That's good. Dylan needs rescuing from the dance floor, and Grandma I hear needs to avoid Bobby. Her sitting down having tea will be a good distraction."
"Yes, I overheard some it, I think it maybe for the best if I keep her over the other side of the garden and away from the gang."
"Josh and I are going to go out the front for a bit, but when I get back I'll help with that. In the meantime Dyl has her wrapped around his finger, well as much as Grandma let's anyone do that. He'll keep her entertained, or better yet ask Grandma to tell him the story of Val, Brandon and I as kids sneaking out of her place to go iceskating at night. He'll love to hear how Brandon left a note with a map just in case anyone got worried."
"Sure thing Honey. Though you do know that will start her off on her many stories?"
I smile, "Dyl won't mind."
"No I don't think he will." I kiss the crown of her head. "Don't be too long, speeches and cake will be soon."
Once Dad moved away I turned and walked out the front door. Josh followed losing his plate somewhere along the way.
"Darlin, you aren't happy to see me." The sadness in his tone hurt my heart. He was a good guy. I heard a saying once that if it doesn't end badly it doesn't end. Dylan and I were proof that it wasn't correct in all situations, but maybe in this it would be. Maybe Dyl was right, we couldn't end because we weren't supposed to no matter how bad it got. Josh and I though…
"I feel like we are having the same conversation over and over again."
He moves closer, "it's because I think you just got scared. Scared of-"
I cut him off I cut him off because I couldn't repeat myself over and over again, and hear how I was wrong over and over again. "I don't want to move past him." It's said with the bluntness that people have often accused me of being cruel with. It's never intentional, well it's not often intentional. That line was.
He freezes and I can see his Adam's apple move as he violently swallows. Like my words have formed some bad taste in his mouth.
"You can't mean that. Why come out to the competition and show me those pictures if you wanted him? Why make me believe that you-" his hand rubbing threw his hair stops his ever increasing voice. His pause tells me he's trying to calm down.
"I came to France because I didn't… when I got there I didn't know what I wanted. These last few weeks have given me time to figure it out."
When he speaks again he's calmer, colder but calmer. "He'll hurt you again. He'll hurt you in way's I never would. I love you. Me you can always trust, him he's not capable of being anything but cruel and selfish."
I bite my tongue, I don't want to fight with him. I don't want to justify why I trust him. My brother didn't need that, my brother who held my hand, who watched it all. He didn't need me defend my choice like I was doing something wrong. If my twin didn't need it I didn't think anyone else did either.
My silence fuels his frustration, "Brenda I picked up the pieces last time he hurt you I won't do it again. I won't be there next time it happens."
He picked me up? Steve, Samantha, Brandon and Iris were my support's after him, but even then I picked my self up. I don't say it, I don't need the argument. "I'm not asking you to."
"And when he runs back to Kelly or cracks on to Val, tries to flirt with your costar?" He's being cruel but his taunts don't scare me. I know Dylan won't do that. I'd swear on my life and Brandon's that he won't do that again. He may hurt me, I'm not foolish to believe that it will be smooth sailing but he won't cheat. He won't become his father constantly stepping out.
"Josh, it's my choice. You gave me the option when you first asked me out and told me if I changed my mind that you just wanted to know. This is me letting you know."
He looks at me trying to figure out if there is any doubt, he moves closer and touches my arms. "We are perfect together. If it's just because he's here, I'll stop the travelling I'll come home. If it's too much I'll give it up. I'd give it up, the competition the sponsorships for you."
My heads shaking before I can speak, "I don't want that. Josh I care about you, I've loved our time together, but…" my eyes I feel them filling with water. It's sad to hurt someone like this, it's sad to know that he loves me enough to give up his dream and I don't feel that way. I've never felt that way about him, and I never could.
His eyes get glassy as if he's reading my thoughts, "I'm not him."
I nod.
He leans in and kisses my forehead, he lingers breathing me in before moving away. He steps back and makes it to the top step before he turns and speaks again. "You are my dream girl, and he doesn't deserve you. I hope for your sake I'm wrong and he's changed. I hope I'm wrong and you aren't throwing away our life together for more hurt."
He turns and makes it to the path. "Josh. I'm… I'm sorry." I didn't know what exactly I was apologising for- for him not being the one, for agreeing to go out with him, for hurting him, for involving him. I didn't know but it felt like I needed to say something.
It's his turn to nod and walk away.
Only when I hear his car door shut do I sit on the step. I'm not the least bit surprised to see Dylan move out from the shadows of the driveway.
"How much did you hear?"
"Enough that I wanted… enough." He moves closer and sits next to me. "He's wrong-"
"Don't. I don't need you to tell me that. I know it."
"Yeah?" His surprise and awe is rich in his voice.
I knock his shoulder with mine. "Dyl you may be hard to resist but you aren't impossible. Baja I wouldn't have ever let it get that far if I didn't know that."
He's quiet for a minute, "you okay about him?"
"I don't like hurting him, I tried though to do it gently. It didn't work he needed to hear the reality."
"I'm the reality?"
"In France when I arrived I spoke through the photos, he took my worry my coming out there as proof that I was letting you go. He mentioned… he thought I was on the path of you and I being occasional acquaintances. That you were becoming a spec in the rear view mirror. Becoming only my past. It scared me."
He reaches for my hand. "It scares me to even hear that."
"It shocked me out my thinking. If that was the path I was on, if that was the future it felt wrong. We broke up that weekend, I said it was all too much my life, I was too confused. I wasn't lying. Tonight… when we first started dating he knew I was trying to untie myself from us. He could handle that it may take awhile. The only request he made was if I no longer wanted to do that if I stopped working towards that and began going in the opposite direction I had to let him know. I let him know."
My hand is brought to his mouth, I speak as he lays kisses on it. "I'm not ready to go and shout it out but I'm also not enjoying not having you by my side."
"Me either, I love when you are close."
He see's my look, my uncertainty of how to do this. How to avoid hearing everyone's opinions, having to go back to fighting for us all the time. "This between us is ours. Too much of us last time was given over to other peoples rules and us fearing that we were too young for the intensity. The only thing I fear now is that path Josh wanted you to walk. I can't lose you. I want the intensity, I love the fact that I'm never going to get enough of you. That I'll always want more. So let's forget about everyone else, they don't get a say on this. In this new form of us, this is just ours. We do what we want, what feels right for us. And right now what feels right is having you in my arms." He stands and holds out both hands, "Baby can I have this dance, and the one after, and the one after?"