Authors Note: I acknowledge I have no ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210 characters or canon, the rest well yeah that's mine.
Chapter Forty-Four
Dylan and I don't get our dance. We walk back into the house just in time to see my brother come in the back door to collect me for speeches. The toasts are funny, sweet, nostalgic, and heavy in gratitude. Dad's though surprises me, referencing Dylan as their honorary California son. Steve's heckle of "what about me?" Makes everyone laugh and makes Dad then extend out the gratitude for the extended California family. Through the laughter I look at Dylan, his pride at being included shines out of his skin- well to me it does.
Brandon and I dance when the family is invited to join the happy couple, Dylan extends the invite to Grandma Walsh; Bobby doesn't mind dancing in his chair but a slow dance with all eyes on him isn't fun. When Brandon cuts in on our parents, I finally have an opportunity to thank Dad for helping with Josh.
"Honey no thanks is necessary. But I think you should know Josh went out of his way to rub your relationship in Dylan's face. I was very proud of Dylan for keeping his calm, he has come such a long way. The Dylan of a few years ago would have… well let's just say he wouldn't have gulped his coffee trying to refrain from calling Josh out."
"Yeah, he's worked hard, works hard to keep himself in control of his emotions, rather than letting his emotions control him."
"Oh, I think there is one exception to that." He says it with amusement indicating it's not a criticism on Dylan.
"What do you mean?"
"Honey, you know more than anyone that when it comes to you Dylan wears his heart on his sleeve. You are clearly his compass point, he adores you."
I look at my dad, the man who had actively tried so many times to separate us. "You sound okay about that, almost proud."
"I think all fathers want their daughters to find someone who knows exactly how special they are, how lucky they are to have that person, and while I know you guys are just friends now… well I have no rights, especially after my previous actions, and I don't want you to feel like I'm interfering but I do hope that you find your way back to each other."
"Even after everything? After that summer, the lies?"
"I put him in a terrible position, and he made horrendous mistakes. A weaker man would have hidden behind them, carried on a lie to make himself look better, to justify his actions, and in doing that made the damage to you worse. A weaker man would have kept hurting you rather than admit he was wrong. Dylan's owned all his mistakes and continues to do it to everyone. Your grandma even said he owned them with her tonight, without being prompted. Honey, he does that with no agenda, he did it with me just before your graduation, knowing he had nothing to gain and well had everything left between us to lose. He's grown up. He saw you were happy with Josh and put distance between you and him for months, sometimes half the world, because your happiness was more important than his need to be close to you; he wasn't able to do that in your sophomore and freshman year's. No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes, even when we know better. Forgivenesses, I think is the bravest gift we can give someone, especially, someone who hurts you so badly. Dylan has given me that gift."
"And therefore, you forgive him for hurting me?" It's said with curiosity without a hint of accusation, I want to understand my father's thinking. For him to be so strongly in support of us I need to understand if this is just an attempt to restore his relationship with Brandon and I through finally giving me what I always wanted from him. Acceptance.
"That's not my gift to give. That Honey is solely yours, no one else."
"But you think I would be brave if I forgave him?" I didn't tell my dad I already had forgiven Dylan, he was forgiven a long time ago.
"When we start any type of relationship, we do so with optimism that this person won't hurt us, when we forgive, we know they are capable of hurting us because they have done it. We walk into the situation fully knowing what they are capable of and continue to put ourselves at risk. Trusting they have learnt from their previous actions. What's braver than that?"
"Some would say going back is stupid, that some hurts are unforgivable."
"And I think they are right in some cases, but… I'm not trying to interfere Honey, know that. But you wouldn't have protected him from us, keeping us in the dark about what happened, you wouldn't be friends with him if that was the case. Look at you and Kelly, you aren't friends again, you have limited her place in your life because you know that trust is completely broken, and I know you tried for a time to do the same with Dylan but… he's had a complicated life and you you are both so young, and the events that led up to his betrayal were… his demons and I put him in an emotionally bad place-"
My Grandma's voice cuts in. "Care to swap partners I'd like a twirl with my James?"
It's then that Dylan and I finally get the opportunity to dance, "you okay Baby it looks like you were having a heavy conversation?"
"Hmmm heavy yes but not bad. Do you know Dad wants us together?"
He nods. "And while I appreciate his support, it's not about him. This is only about you and me, what we want." He said as much on the steps before but I'm not sure it will ever be that simple anymore.
"Dyl, the press attention already. If the show is a hit, will this ever be about just you and me? Look at your parents, Samantha and Rush. I've seen the old magazines, heard the stories."
"That's irrelevant…" it's then he sees it, his brow creases and he has this moment of complete understanding. My stomach knots, he sees my fear the one only Val has picked up on, called me on. He pulls me closer, not close enough to give us away but close enough to try and support me and him, combining our strength. His swallow is the only thing that tells me how much these words these thoughts cost him, "you're embarrassed. I didn't see it before, but you are ashamed of wanting this, us, me again. That's what you are trying to overcome, why we are hiding behind closed doors."
It's useless to lie, he'll see right through that and we don't do that with each other. "It's not you, it's… what does it say about me that I can forgive a guy that…"
"Lied to you for over six months? Ran around with your best friend behind your back? Then in front of you, making you compete? Then choose her?" It's said with so much shame that I squeeze my hands a little tighter, I don't want to hurt him. "That's what I'm asking you to do, what I've asked you to forgive, and now you are required to do it on a public stage, because let's be clear baby you are going to be a star and you know reporters will see us and dig up our past, the shamed millionaire's son and the talented Midwest actress their sordid history. You passing over the good guy athlete for me the fuck up."
"Dylan, I have forgiven you, and don't say that about yourself-"
"I'm right though. That's what you haven't wanted to admit, that's what has been playing on your mind why you are so stressed. I thought it was the uncertainty of the show and making decisions about college, but it's not. It's publicly admitting that you want me that you love me. You are ashamed of me."
"NO! Never. I'm so proud of you and everything you have fought through to get here; I've always been so proud of you. I'm ashamed of me, of feeling so self-conscious. I thought I got over this sophomore year, the need to be liked, but… everyone we know who cares about us understands they know what we are to each other. But Dyl I'm not like you I haven't been raised with the press with being judged by strangers, my agent and the shows media team want to play up my Midwest values lean into the wholesomeness of the show. There's a lot of talk about image, Samantha has been coaching me for months on how I present myself how many people rely on me."
"And us as great friends after everything reflects forgiveness but us as anything more."
"I don't think anyone will care really that our private life will matter, but you saw the media after us walking the carpet we were a story in our own right. I'm just, I've never had this level of responsibility had to consider a public persona. I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill but it's my career, my dream, I'm so afraid that I'll ruin it that I'll be judged."
His eyes are a mix of hurt but also understanding. When he wanted us to go to Baja in junior year he wanted me to stand up to my father, he never thought I should have to sneak around, that fight that determination is tempered now. "I've told you I'll take you anyway I can, I wasn't lying."
"Dylan this is my own fear I need to work through, and I hate that it's there. I'm fearful that I'll be judged, and I hate that I'm letting that fear of judgment win. I just need time; this is all new to me and-"
"It's a lot. Believe me I learned from a young age what it is like to have your bad decisions printed for public consumption."
"You aren't a bad decision." He lifts his eyebrow at that. As much as I've tried to convince him that's this is on me, I can see he's blaming himself. "Baby this isn't you, this isn't about you, this is me."
"No, I did this. This wouldn't be something you would have to worry about if I hadn't done this to us."
Brandon taps Dylan's shoulder then, "this is your third dance in a row and while neither of you look happy it will still send tongues wagging if you go for the fourth. So why don't I cut it?"
Dylan is so lost in his self-loathing and shame that he doesn't even react to Brandon knowing about us. "Yeah, of course Jones we wouldn't want people to know."
For the rest of the party, he stays away keeping his distance. My stomach keeps it's knots knowing that it's not him trying to inflict a punishment on me. I hate that I have put some to my fear on him, that my fear is ruining something special. At two am I can't take the growing knot and I leave my bed throwing on some clothes. Brandon wakes as I'm leaving, acknowledging me from the couch with only a head nod. He knows where I'm going even if he doesn't understand what transpired to effect Dylan's and my mood.
Thankfully my key in the door doesn't wake anyone, nor me opening the bedroom door. He only stirs when I slide in behind him wrapping my arms around him. My whispered I'm sorry encapsulates so much. Sorry for waking him, for hurting him, for caring what others think, for not being strong enough. He doesn't immediately answer but lifts my hand to his mouth laying a kiss on it.
"No sorry needed. You are here now and that's all that matters."
A few hours later I wake to him wrapped around me, me protected in his arms. His hand laying in mine. With the pads of my fingertips, I trace the lines on his hand. I know these hands, I known them so well, they were constantly clasped around mine. After that sophomore summer apart Dylan never seemed to let them go, and I never wanted him to. I would walk the school, into parties, into my house and my hand would be protected by his, I loved that feeling I miss that feeling. The kiss on my neck tells me he's awake, but with my contemplation I'm not sure for how long.
"I didn't like waking up yesterday without you." His husky from sleep sends a slight shiver down my spine, he knows me so well that he instantly rubs moves even closer gently rubbing his body against mine.
"I didn't either." It comes out breathier than intended and makes Dylan's body react even more. "Baby we can't. Iris-"
"Left a half hour ago to help your mum tidy up and prepare for the family brunch that we have to be at in an hour." I can't tell if it's me putting his hands on my stomach or him but either way his hands don't leave me for skin until we separate to go in our separate cars to my parent's. Throughout brunch I miss his hands, though I'm thankful that the oversized t-shirt look is in as Dylan's white t-shirt that I've knotted in the front smells like him. It's not the same as his hand but it's comforting, nonetheless.
Sunday night she stays at her apartment, it gives me time to really think about our conversation during our dance. A dance I thought was a step in the right direction, instead it showed me how truly apart we were. How different our directions had been from each other. Her sneaking into my room in the middle of the night had both been a relief and a clear example of how our relationship would be. When Kelly and I were sneaking around I was all for the shadows I thought it was a little bit thrilling, I liked it. With Bren its soul destroying, repulsive to think I can't shout out my love for her declare that she's my girl. The difference is another example of how I should have known something wasn't right in my thinking, something right with what I was feeling for Kelly. Love doesn't want to be hidden it wants light and oxygen.
On Monday I skip our morning lecture so I can have breakfast with Mum before I take her to the airport. She knows something is wrong and waits till our drive on the freeway, where I can't escape. It's a sign of how close we have got that I truthfully answer what I now know is preventing Bren and me from truly being together.
She's quiet for a long time, to the point that I believe she just wanted to give me space to say it out loud. "Darling, you know how I love you and I love her, how I love you together, how I truly believe your meant to be together?" I nod. "Good, then know that I'm not changing my stance on that but sometimes we have to wait for the time to be right, and I'm not saying it's not, but I am saying just be careful. Don't travel too far down this road and get too frustrated so hurt that you potentially ruin that future. Letting go of something you desperately need sometimes gives the space for it to come back to you completely. You and I are testament to that, if I had stayed and forced our relationship in your junior year it would have been ruined. Both people need to come to a partnership whatever it is honestly and openly."
"I can't let her go Mum I don't want to."
"I'm not saying you should but there is only so long you can live in this almost state before it cuts you too much, that it cuts her too much. End it before it gets there, if she can't get past this fear then end it so you can find your way back to each other again when it is the right time." My mother had warned me after our dinner two weeks ago to be careful, that Bren's Scorpion ego was a challenge between us, she had been right on the money then. Seen it before I had, and considering how I knew Bren that was saying a lot. It makes me take her words more seriously now, that while I wanted Bren and me together if I couldn't have it all would I be able to live with that? Last time I wasn't, after our ill fated trip to Baja when we were banned from each other I quickly grew frustrated sneaking around. With Bren I have never been happy only having parts of her, of having only a small section in her life- it's unnatural to me.
My mother's words replay for the rest of the day, they only quiet down when Bren and I attend our private martial arts lesson that night.