Charlotte proudly laid her newest article and photographs on the table. Her boss perused the article, sifting through the photograph. His moustache twitched.
"Good, but it's not front-page material. Now get me photos of Spider-Man!"
He snubbed his cigar in his ash tray. Charlotte wished her boss didn't smoke. It was a bad habit, and it wasn't healthy. He pressed on the intercom and ordered an assistant to send his wife some flowers. He scowled at Charlotte.
"What are you waiting for? Chinese New Year?"
Charlotte pursed her lips. "Boss, we've been over this; I don't know who Spider-Man is."
"Of course you don't! He hides his face behind a mask so he can take the law into his own hands! That's why we'll unmask him—to show everyone that he's a menace!"
Charlotte sighed. "Yeah, sure thing boss."
"Come on! You're a New Yorker! Speak with some pride!"
"I told you, boss, I'm from Fontaine."
"And my mother's from Connecticut but that's no excuse! Now get out there and get me photos of Spider-Man!"
"Um sir? Maybe we could focus less on Spider-Man, and more on Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds."
"Hey, how about I decide what we cover, and you take the photos—how's that? The world needs to know about Spider-Man, not some bird-loving orphan becoming a god and ripping a hole in the fabric of space and time as he travels the multiverse with an army of pigeons!"
"Yes sir," she said.
Charlotte left his office nursing one hell of a headache. Talking with the boss never stressed her out this much before. He'd been a calm, reasonable man, before Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds caused disruptions in the space-time continuum. After that, he'd changed. Though she couldn't quite put her finger on it, she had this uneasy sense that something was wrong with him. He'd gotten much more confrontational.
She had disagreements with her boss before, but their arguments got all the worse after Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds became an archon. Now, her boss went on and on about "Spider-Man the Menace" and "New York" and "The Daily Bugle." She assumed he'd gone senile, except his journalistic instincts were dang good. The Steambird's profits reached an all-time high.
Which meant everyone got a nice bonus. You couldn't argue those results.
Charlotte checked Monsieur Verite one last time. She and Aether had busted that big-time Sinthe dealer some time ago. Now, there was a new dealer who took his place—someone who pioneered a unique strain of meth. Nobody had seen him. Every person who got in his way was ruthlessly crushed.
A journalist's job is never done, she thought. Charlotte headed out, determined to crack this case. Maybe she couldn't find Spider-Man, but she'd find this thug who called himself "Heisenberg."
Yanfei preferred working on lawsuits alone, but this time she'd been assigned a co-counsel for the defense. Apparently, this new guy was a real bright fella. Bad hairstyle and tacky suit, but he'd made quite the name for himself as a defense lawyer.
She knocked on the office door. A spiky haired man with a blue suit opened the door and shook her hand. She smiled. "Hello, Mr. Wright."
"Hello, Yanfei. Let's go over the information again. I think I've found something to prove our client's innocence. There's something peculiar about the murder weapon and I think the prosecution is going to update the coroner's report."
Yanfei shifted through the files, frowning. Her eyes narrowed in thought.
"You think someone else planted the contraband into his cargo?"
"Drug smugglers have been doing it a lot recently. They smuggle goods into the cities by hiding them in other merchants' wares. Check the testimony."
"Hmm," she hummed. "If this is accurate, our client's being set up."
"I think it goes deeper than that," said Phoenix. "The client took very few precautions protecting their goods. But when he arrived in Liyue's customs checking, he basically found the smuggled contraband himself. It's almost like…our client wanted to tempt the smugglers into using him."
"Why would he do that?"
"I'm not sure. Billionaires are an odd bunch."
"Well, with this, we should be able to clear his name. Only…where is our client?"
"He had a business meeting with a wine tycoon in Mondstadt."
Charlotte visited the Sereniteapot, hoping to find Heizou. Perhaps Inazuma's brightest detective could offer some insight on this infamous Heisenberg. She found the young man inside the mansion, at the minibar along with Xinyan, Diluc, and Yae Miko.
Saké in hand, Heizou guzzled down cup after cup.
"Heizou?"
She'd never seen him looking like more of a mess.
"I'm off duty," he slurred.
"And off your rocker," murmured Charlotte. "What happened?"
"Oh, he's just jealous," Yae Miko chuckled. "There's a bright mystery solving gang that's been taking his spotlight."
"Bad enough getting upstaged by kids," he sniffed, "But a great Dane with a speech impediment?! How does this happen?"
Charlotte had…many questions about that. But she cleared her throat. "Excuse me, Heizou, I'm trying to track down a drug smuggler. I know you're off duty, but do you think you could help me?"
"What," he hiccupped. "What are the facts?"
She gave him the rundown on the Heisenburg case. Heizou got out his notebook and began writing. Xinyan excused herself.
"I better go. Some new bands been popping round town, I got to check out. These guys who wear face paint called 'Kiss.'"
Diluc nodded. "I've been here too long as well. I have a meeting with a potential business partner." The Pyro wielders left. Soon, Yae Miko excused herself as well.
Charlotte continued telling Heizou everything they knew about the case.
Bennett's adventure team climbed up the long slope and descended into the ruins. His partners followed him loyally into the bizarre relics. They were the unluckiest people in the world, but that just gave them a reason to stick together. Bennett possessed unnaturally bad luck. His partner had been named Bad Luck Brian. Your parents weren't setting you up for success with that name.
Bad Luck Brian inspected the puzzle. One wrong move and he stepped on a hidden switch, which caused a cage to fall on him, Subaru, and George Costanza.
A ruin guard sprung to life. The robot charged them when several arrows struck its eye. Bennett's third partner had taken out his crossbow arm. He slipped off the fist and pulled the line, causing a cannon shot that put a hole through the robot. Gears groaning, it fell face forward and exploded.
Bennett grinned. "Nice one, Guts."
The black swordsman shifted his attention to their companion, Bad Luck Brian. He drew his massive sword and sliced open a path. Bad Luck Brian nervously stepped out. Guts returned the dragonslayer to his back. Suddenly, he frowned.
"Where's the orange guy?"
"I'm over here," said Yamcha. "Oh, did you mean the kid? He's right over…"
Yamcha turned. The Ruin Guard had crushed their friend flat.
"Oh my God, he killed Kenny!"
"You bastards," growled Guts.
"Eh, nothing a little Teyvat Fried Egg can't fix," said Bennett. They all laughed. Just another day in Bennett's adventure team, the unluckiest people in the world.
"And that's everything we know," said Charlotte. "What do you think?"
Heizou hiccupped as he finished his notes. Drowsily, he laid his head on the table and handed her his notebook. He'd drawn a flower wearing sunglasses.
"I don't get it," she said.
"Yeah, I feel the same way about modern art," said Heizou.
"Heizou, this doesn't help me. I'm trying to find Heisenberg—"
"Oh, that? It's Walter White," he said.
Heizou closed his eyes and yawned. She waited for him to explain himself—to explain who this "Walter" person was. He started snoring. She shook him awake.
"Hold on," she said, "You didn't explain your process."
"Well, I wanted my flower portrait to comment on the commercialization of traditionally highbrow art by—"
"Not that! Heisenberg!"
"Oh that. Walter got cancer. He can't pay for treatment on a high school teacher's salary, so he turned to cooking meth," he yawned. "It's always about the money."
"How do you even know this? You didn't do any investigation!"
"Don't need to. It's obvious as the nose on your face. Those meddling kids could've figured it out just as easily."
"But who is Walter White?!"
In answer, Heizou began snoring. This time, he wouldn't wake up no matter how hard she shook him. She sighed. Looked like she'd had to figure this out herself. Charlotte figured she might as well pass on Heizou's deduction to Chevreuse. Maybe she could pull up something.
Bennett's adventure team pressed onwards. They reached the inner sanctum of the ruins. Mechanical panels stretched across the walls. Blinking lights, levers, wires—stuff Bennett couldn't begin to understand. Luckily, they had a guy who did.
Their tech guy stepped forward and worked his magic. A little tooling around and the walls slid apart, revealing a secret path leading deeper inside. Bennett grinned.
"Nice one, Spider-Man!"
"No problem, Ben-Ben," said their resident WebCrawler.
The unlucky heroes ventured deeper inside. They reached a wide, spacious chamber.
"Heads up!" said Spider-Man. Seconds later, two dozen ruin guards emerged. The robots zeroed in on them. All at once, the wicked machines rushed them.
"Bennett's adventure team," said Bennett. "Attack!"
They made short work of the machines. Then, they pressed onwards to their ultimate goal. The treasure chest lay on the altar. Bennett ascended the steps, his heart racing. He knelt. He clicked open the chest.
"Whoa," said Yamcha.
"I never thought I'd see it with my own eye," murmured Guts.
"You guys realize what this means, right?" said Spider-Man. "The Rosetta Stone, the Pyramids—all those discoveries just became obsolete. The Holy Grail, the Arc of the Covenant, Excalibur, this puts those to shame."
Bennett had no idea what Spider-Man was talking about, but he didn't care. This was easily the most incredible discovery that mankind would ever make. To think, the unluckiest heroes in Teyvat found it themselves.
Bennett grinned. Working together, they overcame their bad luck. They just made history.
Chevreuse and Charlotte did find a file on someone named Walter White which lined up perfectly with everything Heizou said. They even had records of his recently purchased warehouse. Chevreuse organized the Maison to raid the factory. Although they told Charlotte to stay out of it, Charlotte secretly tagged along.
She found the perfect angle atop the hill where she could capture the drug bust. Under cover of night, the Maison charged the factory. Charlotte waited for the gunshots, the screams. But there was nothing. Long silence.
She wanted to go in and investigate, but her journalistic instincts were telling her to wait. Rain fell, covering the world in a haze. Thunder rumbled. In the darkness, she spotted something moving atop the roof. As the wind changed, the figure raced to the edge, leapt.
Boom! Lightning. Snap! Charlotte's finger worked the camera trigger. She couldn't see. It was far too bright. Her eyes adjusted. The figure had vanished.
As Charlotte looked around for the mystery man, the warehouse doors opened. The Maison emerged, escorting goons. Charlotte zoomed in on the criminals and snapped several pictures. The goons had bruises all over, many were tied up or unconscious. Someone beat them all senseless. But then…why didn't she hear the Maison fighting them? She frowned in thought. In the end, she couldn't see how the goons got roughed up by the Maison.
Unless, it wasn't the Maison. Someone got here first.
She had a feeling it was their mystery man.
Charlotte searched her photographs. Had she captured the strange figure? She had. Somehow though, it only left her with more questions.
Diluc walked alongside his potential business partner. The man, despite his tardiness, was pleasant enough, as far as playboy-eccentric billionaires went.
"Thanks for your offer," said Diluc. "Your proposal sounds interesting."
"I'm glad we could do business. Oh, by the way, I thought I ought to warn you. There's word some drug lord is trying to set up a branch in Mondstadt. Calls himself Heisenberg. Dangerous man."
Diluc frowned. "Why are you telling me?"
"You make regular deliveries to the city, yes? Heisenberg has been smuggling drugs. He has someone smuggle the drugs into a merchant's cargo so it can get delivered straight to the city. Once it gets there, the buyer picks up the goods. Happened to me when he snuck some meth into one of my shipments. Luckily, I caught it before it was too late. I have a business organization like yours. If Heisenberg used me, he'll probably use you too."
Diluc considered this devilish scheme. It made sense. Sneaking the drugs into legitimate merchant goods would disseminate the goods without suspicions. Moreover, if the drugs were discovered then blame would naturally fall on the merchants.
Well, Diluc wouldn't let drug dealers ruin his nation. If Heisenberg came snooping around, he'd have to face the Dark Knight Hero.
"Thanks for the tip," said Diluc.
"Of course. We businessmen should look after each other."
"I couldn't agree more, Mr. Wayne."
The two men shook hands. Diluc noticed, with a passing interest, that Bruce Wayne had a strong grasp.
Resting at the coffee shop, Charlotte considered how she'd pitch this story to her boss. Unfortunately, she didn't bust Heisenberg herself. Some detective working with the Maison beat her to that. At least she got to interview the odd man on how he cracked the case. Her newest article would be titled: Busted: Detective Columbo Cracks the Case!
Hopefully, Jamison liked this at least. If it didn't, she had her backup article prepared. The photograph showed a caped crusader leaping off the warehouse and gliding into the night. She'd title this article: Who is the Batman? Not a spider, but surely Jamison wouldn't know the difference.
She had gotten the files in order when a newspaper on the kiosk caught her attention. The headline read: Bennett's Adventure Team Strikes Gold! By Lois Lane.
Right, Lois. She worked for the Steambird division in Mondstadt. Nice woman, very assertive. Charlotte paid for a copy and read.
"Bennett's Adventure Team once renowned for their infamous bad luck, cemented their names in history this morning when they discovered a legendary treasure. Their discovery is nothing less than the mythical, long sought after treasure known as the One Piece."
Charlotte perused the rest of the article. There was something about a pirate king and whatever. What really caught her attention though, was the photograph of Bennett's adventure team. One of them was dressed like a spider.
Suddenly, she wondered if her boss maybe wasn't so crazy after all.
Visitors from other Worlds article by Charlotte
Apparently, the people we know and love have been replaced with visitors from other worlds. Our memories changed so we believed these people have always been here. These visitors assumed their place, retaining their own memories while under the belief they have always lived in Teyvat.
Such examples of this include Dori and Ningguang's business rival whose total net worth exceeds 315,360,000,000,000,000 mora, Scrooge McDuck, and Raiden Ei's second general the cyborg ninja Raiden.
The cause of these peculiar visitors? Disruptions in the space-time continuum and the fabric between the multiverse caused by Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds. The archon did battle with Duo the Duolingo Owl, and their war shook the pillars of reality which displaced several visitors into Teyvat.
Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds has agreed to fix these disruptions and get everyone back where they belong. Some of the visitors wish to stay in Teyvat. Noticeably, a Mystery Solving Gang of teenagers and their talking dog prefer to hang out in this reality. They explain, "Right now, the only thing waiting for us back home is the Velma show. No, thank you."
Other individuals have not been given a choice. Queen Elsa made an icy palace in Dragon Spire. However, her corporate overlord Mickey Mouse traversed the multiverse, grew to kaiju size, and forcefully dragged her back to his world. He explains, "I own you and your whole existence, ha-ha!"
The corporate overlord Mickey also dragged Scrooge McDuck, Spider-Man, James Jamison, and several others back to Disney World. Moreover, he issued every single person in Teyvat a "Cease and Desist." In defiance of his order, Steamboat Willie Mickey Mouse remained to serve in the Crux Fleet. Sadly, Steamboat Willie Mickey ultimately could not resist his corporate overlord. Mickey Mouse dragged him back to the dark world through legal technicalities that not even Yanfei and Phoenix Wright could explain.
After this catastrophe, leaders of Teyvat and the many multiverses signed an edict that bans Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds from battling cosmic level beings like Galactus, Unicron, Cthulhu, and Duo.
This whole incident wasn't a complete disaster. A silver lining came from a new alliance forged by heroes of the multiverse. This alliance shall protect the stability of the multiverse. Dubbed the Meme League, its foremost members include Senator Armstrong, Grumpy Cat, Surprised Pikachu, Thicc Omniman, SpongeBob SquarePants, I am Ferdinand von Aeir, John Cena, and Chuck Norris. This League shall be led by the Lord of Memes himself, Shrek. The Meme League has agreed to police the multiverse to ensure the safety of reality.
Already, many cosmic level threats such as Galactus, Unicron, Cthulhu, Duo, and Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds have stood down, fearing the Meme League's might. Unicron explains, "I mean, come on, it's Shrek! I can't beat Shrek! He's the ultimate force of good because he's love and he's life!"
Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds and his commander Vergil continue their multiverse quest for vengeance against bird hunters, crypto bros, and the Office of Attorney Generals who enforce Child Support Laws. Also, he assured everyone not to fret about these odd events with the visitors. Non-Genshin characters will not be featured in this fanfiction unless the powers that be get bored.
Bennett's adventure team disbanded. Everyone returned to their own worlds. However, Bennett's discovery of the One Piece remains cannon. Thus, he became King of the Pirates. But preferring to be an adventurer, he relinquished the title to Beidou in exchange for an undisclosed sum. Moreover, he's selling the movie rights of his autobiography to Furina. The feature film starring Bennett himself is set to debut with ludicrous box office returns.
Who said Bennett couldn't have nice things?