About one year and three months ago, an ex-military officer stole a prototype military device called the transfigurator and destroyed the laboratory used to build it. Professor Shepherd, the genius behind the machine, managed to escape and rebuild. One year later, his machine was repurposed to create an army of mutant soldiers bent on destroying the free world and rebuilding it in the image of their master, General Parvo. Shepherd, faced with a deadly weapon of his own design, used a new machine to turn five ordinary dogs into the world's first team of half-dog, half-man superheroes.
Today, these heroes continue to fight for the safety of a world they barely understand.
Sometimes being a top-secret experiment could be pretty awesome – like when one was going on awesome missions to save the world, or when they got to live in a secret base with every amenity one could ever want.
Other times, though, it could be downright… boring.
"So that's about the size of things," the Professor finished as his team of cano-sapiens sat around the table in front of him. He was on a slightly raised platform, indicating points on a large screen with a laser pointer. The screen went blank, and he shut off the pointer.
Hunter, a yellow retriever mix, fidgeted in his seat while Colleen occupied herself doing various gestures reminiscent of dance and jiu-jutsu. He privately envied her knack for distracting herself while sitting still. The other Rovers all sat with folded arms in various attitudes of silence and boredom.
"There are only three more things on the agenda," the professor added, turning to them, "and none requires a power point."
He tried to ignore the collective sigh of relief. The team were good dogs, and more than capable heroes, but sometimes the limits of their attention spans left quite a bit to be desired.
"The first point," he said, passing his gaze over the group so as to look at all of them but none in particular, "is to remind everyone that Stop, Drop, and Roll is if you catch on fire. Rolling the fire extinguisher over a kitchen fire will not put it out."
Everyone looked at Shag, who shrugged helplessly.
"Also, because of a recent incident involving cleaning duties, I am asking that everyone clean their own rooms and no one else's, and that the task of cleaning up bathrooms and locker rooms will be divided according to sex. That means that males have no reason to be in Colleen's rooms and vice-versa."
No one said anything, though Colleen shot Blitz a poisonous look which he stubbornly ignored.
"And lastly, who was it that made the, um, modifications to the vehicles in the hangar?"
"Oh, yeah, I saw those," Hunter piped up. "Pretty rad."
"Dah, thank you," Exile replied. "Am still wishing to make finishing touches, but already-"
"Excuse me," Professor Shepherd cut in. "Exile, do I understand you're the one who welded paws and dog faces to the vehicles?"
Exile shrugged modestly. "Shag helped-ski some with lifting, but dah."
The professor looked rather chagrined. "May I ask why?"
"Why not?" came the husky's simple logic. "Superheroes always have fancy cars and planes, yes? Batman has Batmobile, Power Rangers have Zods…"
"Zords," corrected Hunter.
"Oh, sorry. Zords have Zods."
Hunter raised an index finger to correct him, then closed his mouth.
"I think I understand your logic," the professor allowed, resisting the urge to shake his head wearily. "I suppose there's no harm in a few cosmetic tweaks, but in the future please let me know before you, uh, customize them any further, alright?"
Exile nodded, making a mental note to look up the word "cosmetic." "Dah, will do-ski."
"Good." The professor clasped his hands together. "Now, does anyone have anything else to add?"
Hunter raised a paw. "About the whole cars thing, I just realized: we've saved the world twice already, and we don't even have a name for our team."
Professor Shepherd raised an eyebrow while the others looked at Hunter.
"I suppose we don't," Colleen agreed.
"It sounds academic to me," shrugged the professor, "since hardly anyone knows you even exist. But I suppose there's no harm in thinking of-"
At that moment a chiming sound was heard, and the professor paused before reaching for his phone. He sighed when he saw who it was, then answered while signaling the Rovers to hold their thoughts. "Hello, Andrew. Or is it General Malone today?"
Even though the phone wasn't on speaker, the dogs' sharp hearing picked up a military officer's crisp, gruff voice coming through. "I'm afraid it's business, professor. We've got a situation that's asking for your help."
"How serious of a situation?" asked Professor Shepherd, already knowing he didn't really want the answer.
"The president's kind of serious," came the answer. "Have you ever heard of Katzenstok and Eisneria?"
The team all looked at one another, but only Exile's face bore any sign of recognition. The husky's ears pricked up and his eyes widened.
"What are they talking about?" whispered Hunter.
Shepherd frowned as well. "Foreign dignitaries?" he guessed.
"Foreign countries," came the correction. "Bordering one another in northern Asia. The two used to be on good terms but have been much shakier for the past several decades, and two nights ago something happened to throw everything straight in the blender. A sacred artifact called the scepter of the valley was stolen from a museum in Katzenstok's capital, and their government is blaming Eisneria."
Shepherd had a pretty good idea where this was going. "Let me guess. They're about to go to war over it, and the president wants the cano-sapiens to put a stop to it."
Malone's tone was grim. "You really need to come up with a better name for them, but yes. The U.S. has diplomatic ties and military contracts with both countries due for renewal, and if they go to war we'll have a diplomatic tornado to sort out."
"So they want someone who doesn't exist to solve it because of plausible deniability," the professor concluded wearily. He'd liked the president's preference for localized security over martial forces a lot better before it turned into a recruiting style.
"He's not expecting you to do this for free," added the general. "You and your-"
"I'm not running a band of mercenaries here," Shepherd shot back hastily. Then he softened. "But I do understand you have jobs to do."
Malone seemed to take on a more personal tone as well. "I know you believe in doing what's right, Professor. Just talk with them. That's all I ask."
Shepherd nodded. "Alright. Let me put you on hold a moment, and I'll be right back with you." He silenced the phone and turned to the group, who were all watching with close attention.
"I assume you heard all of that?" he asked.
They nodded. "And understood about half of it," Hunter added.
Shepherd shook his head. "To skim through the politics, two countries are about to go to war over an international incident, and the president is anxious to stop it but would face heavy backlash if it were publicly known that our military played an active role on either side. Since your existence – much less any connection you have to the United States – is largely unknown, he's hoping he can count on you to take care of the matter."
Exile turned to Hunter. "What do you think, comrade?"
Hunter rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Hmm. Mission to a place we've never heard of where two countries are getting ready to fight a war while the US army doesn't want to get involved? Sounds cool."
"Oh, yeah, just the vacation I was planning," Colleen quipped. Then she shrugged. "Well, I'll go if everyone else is up for it. Someone's got to watch your backs out there."
Exile nodded. "Northern Asia is where I once live-ski. Would love to visit old country."
Blitz snorted. "Dose soldiers ah a bunch of girly-men if dey're afraid, but I'll go if dere's going to be fighting."
Shag whined anxiously, but the vote still stood at four to one. Professor Shepherd reopened the line with Malone, then placed the phone into a dock on his computer terminal. Moments later Malone's face appeared on-screen. This was not the same Malone who had assisted Professor Shepherd previously, but the man's older brother, a high-ranking officer in the US Army.
"Tell us more about the mission," Professor Shepherd instructed.
Malone nodded gravely. "I'm sending you a map of the area and what we propose to do."
The screen switched to a geographic map of an area just outside of Russia, with two countries highlighted in green and blue. One sat above the other, bordered by a river between and a mountain range at the top, so that it looked as if someone had ripped about the top third of a circle away.
"For more than a hundred years, Katzenstock has had possession of an ancient artifact called the Scepter of the Valley, dating back to a time when they and Eisneria were close allies. The Eisnerians have contested this claim periodically, but three nights ago the scepter was stolen from a museum in Katzenstock's capital. Despite their denials, the security camera shows the thieves wearing Eisnerian military uniforms."
"So de Eisnerians stole the sceptah?" asked Blitz.
"Possibly. From my experience it seems doubtful that thieves would be so careless as to wear their home address on their backs, but what I think doesn't much matter at the moment. The Katzenstockians are convinced Eisneria stole the scepter, the Eisnerians resent the accusation, and now both sides are preparing for war."
Professor Shepherd shook his head. "A fight like that over a scepter. It doesn't seem right."
"Right or wrong's the second question," Malone replied gruffly. "First question is how many people we can keep from ending up dead. What do you say, rovers? Are you in?"
The prof winced at the familiar remark to his creations, but he turned to them. He had chosen them because he trusted them, and now he had to trust them to make the right choice.
Hunter rose, followed by the others as one.
"Sir, we'll do our best.
Exile looked puzzled. "So what is plan-ski?"
A spot on the map lit up, just a little south of the border between the two countries. "We have a base not far from the river that separates the two countries, which we put there hoping it would discourage hostilities. We'll slip you into the base, then take you out under cover of darkness. You can use one of your vehicles if it suits you so it'll look like we're just testing a new aircraft. There's a spot where we have reason to think the thieves passed on their way over the border, so once we get you there it'll be up to you to track them down."
"And what ah you going to do while we ah freezing our tooshies off?" asked Blitz testily.
Everyone turned to look at him impatiently. Even Malone's face reappeared on screen as if for the sole purpose of frowning at the Doberman.
"Well, if dey ah going to just sit back and we don't even get credit, I tink we-"
"Everyone who needs to know will know you five are responsible," Malone interrupted with surprising patience. "As for what we'll be doing, we'll track your location by GPS, and our forces will be on standby to help you out any way we can."
"And if you can't help us?" asked Colleen.
Malone shook his head. "Well, you could sit back while the conflict blows out of control," he answered, finally showing a trace of sarcasm. "It might not erupt across half of Asia and cost countless innocent lives."
Hunter stood up. "We're going," he said firmly. Then to Blitz, he added, "You can stay behind if you want."
"Yeah, and miss out on all the violence over a sparkly," added Colleen, rolling her eyes.
"Hey, no way you ah leaving me out!" snapped Blitz, standing up.
"If was way, we would," Exile uttered under his breath.
Hunter turned to Malone. "Any final instructions?" he asked.
The commander put a hand to his chin. "There is one other concern."
The only remaining question was how to avoid the Rovers being pegged as humanoid dogs in the event that someone saw them. The good news was, Professor Shepherd had just the thing for the occasion. The other news…
"I still say we look like Storm Troopers," Hunter asserted, taking off his helmet. The units, which at first glance resembled strange but believable gas masks, covered the Rovers' entire heads.
"The helmets were designed for extreme climates," Professor Shepherd explained. "They're not exactly military issue, but they're good for Antarctic cold or near-volcanic heat and gas levels. They should be more than adequate for the weather where you're going."
Colleen moved to rub her face, only to be stopped by the white composite surface of her mask. With a huff she took it off and rubbed her nose. "Well I'm leaving mine off until we get where we're going," she muttered.
"Better get moving, cano-sapiens," advised Malone. "There's an Apache ready to fly you out, then a transport jet waiting to get you over to Katzenstock. You leave within the hour."
"An Apache? Cool, I love Indians," Hunter enthused.
Shepherd sighed. "Better get going. You all have a flight to catch."
After the canines had left, Malone voiced a question. "Professor, are you sure these are the same ones who stopped the army of cano-mutants?"
"Somehow, yes," Shepherd assured him.
"And the plot to hack the military satellite?"
"Also the same team."
Malone was quiet for a long moment. "Would you mind telling me where that Doberman got his attitude?"
If it had been a TV show, Shepherd might have found the exchange amusing. Alas, it wasn't. "A car reclamation center outside of Hamburg," he replied sheepishly."
Malone mulled this over. "A garbage dump," he translated. "Well, that actually does explain quite a bit."
And at long last, loyal fans, we see the continuation of Road Rovers Rebooted. As you can see, we're jumping ahead a bit in the show's original lineup of episodes (because reasons). In retrospect it would have been appropriate to debut "A Hair of the Dog," this being so close to Halloween, but I'm leaning towards some twists for that episode which would come just a tad too early if they were done now. Sorry to make you guys wait on the werewolves (trust me, I love 'em too), but I promise they'll be well worthwhile when they come.