Bai Zi Qian woke up, head slightly aching. The drinking session he had indulged in the previous night began to affect him again as soon as he opened his eyes. It was a miracle he was able to get home after dropping Li Susu off at her house. But though his senses were slightly dulled by the alcohol, his memory certainly wasn't.
"Forgive me… Tantai Jin."
Li Susu's agonized whisper echoed in his mind. Everything she said about her husband were all full of her longing, her regrets, and her love for him. Had she talked about him even with just a fraction of that emotion she held for him, Bai Zi Qian would have been the happiest man in all the realms.
Bai Zi Qian sighed. I love you, Li Susu, he thought miserably, but how could you love me… if your heart is still full of another?
After a while, Bai Zi Qian decided to cast these thoughts aside and prepare for the day. Forcing himself to go through the usual motions, he strapped on his hunting gear and went out to hunt. After hunting, he prepared the animals for Wei, and cooked food for Li Susu and the girls, knowing she wouldn't be up for cooking, going by what he was feeling now. Doing all these normal chores helped calm him a little, but as he started to walk towards Li Susu's house, all the feelings he'd held back came rushing back through him again.
He found Bao hurriedly rushing out the gate. "Bao!" he called her, and she quickly turned to him.
"U-Uncle Bai," Bao muttered. "Good morning."
Bai Zi Qian's eyebrows knit together as he noticed her impatience. "I brought breakfast," he said, holding out the package of food he had prepared.
Bao took it. "Thank you, Uncle Bai," she said, and turned to bring the food inside.
Bai Zi Qian held her back. "What's happening?" he asked. "Where's Li Susu?"
"A-Aunt Li?" Bao said. "She… she went somewhere, bought more supplies of wine for the shop. She won't be working today, she said." She said this all in a hurried way that Bai Zi Qian couldn't help but be suspicious.
"Let me see her," Bai Zi Qian said, trying to move past Bao. But she stepped in front of him, blocking his way.
"Aunt… Aunt already left," she said. "She's not in the house." When Bai Zi Qian looked unconvinced, she added, "Please, Uncle. She's not in."
Bai Zi Qian understood. "All right," he said, stepping back. Before turning to go, he said, "I'm leaving, but I'll visit later."
"I'm… I'm not sure, Uncle, if Aunt will come back today," Bao replied. "She said she might be later…"
"I'll visit later," Bai Zi Qian repeated firmly. Bao helplessly nodded, and he left, perturbed about the uncharacteristic secrecy that the little girl showed him, and the overall suspicious actions that Li Susu was exhibiting right after everything she had told him the previous night.
What's happening, Li Susu? Bai Zi Qian couldn't help but wonder. Are you hiding from me, or are you trying to ignore me?
Xxxxxxxxxxxx
Bao returned to the house, putting down the package that Bai Zi Qian handed her. Ami met her at the living room.
"Was Uncle Bai suspicious?" Ami nervously asked Bao.
Bao nodded. "He didn't believe me when I told him Aunt won't be here," she said sadly.
Ami wrung her hands. "What are we going to do?" she asked, pacing back and forth. "Mother won't like him to see her like this."
Bao looked at the direction of the closed door of Li Susu's room. "No, he cannot," she said. The two girls looked at each other and sighed.
A cry of pain echoed inside the room, making Ami run back inside, and Bao run towards the errand that she was supposed to do before Bai Zi Qian came.
Xxxxxxxxxx
Bai Zi Qian was walking through town when he heard his name called.
"Bai Zi Qian!"
The tones were familiar enough that Bai Zi Qian eagerly turned to the sound of the voice, anticipating Li Susu's presence. Instead, it was Liu Dong Yan coming towards him, and his smile fell almost instantly.
"Miss Liu," he said, bowing slightly in acknowledgement.
Liu Dong Yan frowned at the visible displeasure on Bai Zi Qian's face. "Don't look at me like that, Zi Qian," she said.
"How else should I look at Miss Liu then?" Bai Zi Qian asked.
"You could smile," Liu Dong Yan said, "smile at your betrothed, because you are so in love with her that you're happy you saw her today after weeks of ignoring her."
Bai Zi Qian sneered. "Will this do?" he said, sneer falling quickly, as he turned away from her. But Liu Dong Yan held him back.
"Don't turn away from me, Bai Zi Qian," she said. "We need to talk about our betrothal!"
"What betrothal?" Bai Zi Qian said, turning abruptly back, surprising Liu Dong Yan that she almost bumped into him. "That's a fantasy you and your mother have weaved for so long that I've tolerated for a long time. But not anymore."
Liu Dong Yan scoffed. "Not anymore?" she said sharply, raising an eyebrow. "Not anymore? What, just because that widow—" She gasped as Bai Zi Qian gripped her arm tight and pulled her forward.
"If I hear you speak evil again of Li Susu, I'll make you regret it," Bai Zi Qian whispered coldly in Liu Dong Yan's ear. He released her roughly, with her stumbling back and massaging her bruised arm.
"Why are you being so defensive of that widow?" Liu Dong Yan wasn't fazed by Bai Zi Qian's threat. "You've barely known her, while I've been with you for almost twenty years. Whether you want it or not, the whole town knows we've been betrothed for three years. And whether you want it or not," her voice broke, surprising Bai Zi Qian with her uncharacteristic emotion, "I do love you, Bai Zi Qian."
Bai Zi Qian looked at the sobbing woman in front of him with conflicted eyes. Despite her usual shallowness, Liu Dong Yan sometimes showed some depth. He remembered the first time he and she met. As a shy boy, he had always kept to himself. So he was surprised when she, a bright and bubbly girl, declared to be friends with him and accompanied him everywhere ever since.
But he had never felt any depth of emotion for her other than gratitude for that small kindness that she showed that day. And since that day, he had other thoughts and feelings about her that came from more interactions with her and her family that buried that gratitude entirely.
"I don't, Miss Liu," Bai Zi Qian said, softer than how he first talked to her, in consideration for the sliver of sincere feeling she had for him. "Yes, we've known each other that long, but time does not always guarantee feeling. I'll always be grateful to you for being one of the few people who had stayed with me, but I can never return your affection the way you want me to."
Liu Dong Yan looked at Bai Zi Qian hard. "You don't need to return my affection if you can't," she said, emotion completely disappearing. "You only have to honor the betrothal and save face for me."
Bai Zi Qian turned cold again. "I tell you again, I never agreed to that betrothal, and nothing will induce me to honor anything you and your mother schemed to create," he said firmly. "And if you do anything to Li Susu or her girls, I will make you and your family regret it."
Bai Zi Qian walked away. He didn't see Liu Dong Yan's face turn ugly with anger, and say, "Li Susu. I won't let you have Bai Zi Qian. Just you wait."
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Bai Zi Qian stood in front of Li Susu's gate. He had already passed by her wine shop, which was indeed closed the entire day. Interestingly, there were also some people who were standing by outside the wine shop, who were, like him, hoping for a glimpse of the beauty who owned it.
So Bao wasn't lying about Li Susu not working today, Bai Zi Qian thought. But where is she?
He laid a hand on the gate and was about to push it, when he heard voices coming out of the house. He quickly looked for somewhere to hide, and ran towards the nearest tree.
"…needs to rest, but call me if she's worse," a male voice said. Bai Zi Qian's eyebrows knit together. Who's worse? he thought, his mind quickly jumping to Li Susu. A quiet voice, though, reminded him about a man coming out of her house.
"But is Mother going to be all right?" Ami's worried voice echoed towards him. At that, Bai Zi Qian couldn't help but step out and walk towards Ami and the unknown man whose eyes grew round at the sight of him.
"What happened to Li Susu, Ami?" Bai Zi Qian asked, pushing the gate open unceremoniously.
"Uncle Bai!" Ami exclaimed, her face showing surprise, then worry. She looked at the man beside him, who was still staring at Bai Zi Qian.
Bai Zi Qian, meanwhile, looked at the man. He was clad in white robes with gold lining, and a golden belt on his waist. He exuded a wise and noble aura, making Bai Zi Qian feel lowly… and jealous.
"Tantai Jin," the man whispered. Bai Zi Qian narrowed his eyes at him, but before he could say anything, Ami tugged at the man's sleeve and said, "No, Uncle Gongye, he is Bai Zi Qian, a mortal."
The man looked at Ami in confusion, but Ami shook her head vigorously. "Thank you for your visit, Uncle Gongye. We'll wait for your visit again." Ami nearly pushed the man towards the gate, and closed it behind her.
She was startled when she saw Bai Zi Qian still at the courtyard. "Uncle Bai," she exclaimed again.
"Where is Li Susu?" Bai Zi Qian demanded.
Ami shook her head. "She's not here, Uncle Bai," she adamantly said. Bai Zi Qian glared at her, but she simply held his gaze.
"Big Sister!" Bao called out from inside, and Ami, after a beat of uncertainty, sighed in resignation, then quickly ran towards the house, with Bai Zi Qian closely following.
Ami opened the bedroom door, where Bai Zi Qian saw Li Susu lying on the bed, eyes tightly shut but with her face showing intense pain. Bao, who had been standing beside her, saw him behind Ami. "Uncle Bai," she said, looking at Ami, who shrugged helplessly.
Bai Zi Qian grew pale as he looked over Li Susu's unconscious form, her pale face, her motionless body. "What happened, Ami?" he asked, falling beside the bed and taking Li Susu's cold hand in his.
"Mother… Mother is sick," Ami said simply, having no words for what Li Susu was actually going through. Bai Zi Qian wouldn't be able to see them, but with her immortal's eyes, Ami could clearly see Li Susu's wounds from the Ruo River, unhealed even with her goddess powers because of her prolonged stay in the netherworld and in the river of hungry spirits. Her mother was supposed to stay at Hengyang Sect until she had completely healed, but because she learned about Tantai Jin's soul surviving the destruction of the All-In-Distress Way, she left immediately before she had finished her treatment. Knowing she might end up sick again, Gongye Jiwu learned from Mo Nv where Li Susu was, right in the nick of time. He and Ami had stabilized her, but they don't know when Li Susu's wounds would reopen again.
"Was that man… a doctor?" Bai Zi Qian asked, his eyes never leaving Li Susu.
"Yes," Ami said, not knowing how else to describe Gongye Jiwu, Sect Leader of the immortal Hengyang Sect, to a mortal. She placed a hand on Bai Zi Qian's shoulder. "Mother is okay now, Uncle. You can go home."
Bai Zi Qian shook his head. "I won't leave your mother's side until she wakes."
Behind him, Ami smiled, tears forming in her eyes. Father, she thought. You really love Mother so much. Bao, who knew the truth already because Ami told her, smiled in happiness for her.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Tantai Jin…"
…Tantai Jin gritted his teeth as the whip slashed across his back, but he never made a sound.
…"Ye Xiwu, how dare you hurt me for this demon!"
"Tantai Jin…"
…Tantai Jin sneered at her. "I killed Lan'an," he said coldly. "She betrayed me to Tantai Minglang, so I killed her."
…"I killed the King of Sheng. I also killed Yingxin. I would have torn Xiao Lin limb from limb if he had gotten to the palace sooner."
"No…"
…"Ye Xiwu, are you abandoning me too?"
…"The All-in-Distress Way and the Devil God live and die together. Kill me, and the All-in-Distress Way will dissipate."
"Tantai Jin, don't leave me…" Li Susu whispered brokenly, tears pouring from her eyes. She raised her hand, to reach out for the familiar silhouette in front of her, when a warm hand covered hers.
Li Susu opened her eyes. In the haze of those few moments after she had woken up, the face that looked at her was achingly familiar. "Tantai Jin…"
"No, Miss Li," a voice said. Li Susu blinked, and the face above her grew clearer.
"Master Bai," Li Susu said, looking up at the face of Bai Zi Qian. Memories of Tantai Jin and Bai Zi Qian swirled inside her feverish head, confusing her for a while. But she remembered who Bai Zi Qian was, a mortal without memories of Tantai Jin, and that he wasn't supposed to be here with her. Yet.
Li Susu tried to raise herself up, but Bai Zi Qian pushed her down. "Don't get up, Miss Li," he said. "You need to lie down and rest still."
"Why are you here?" Li Susu asked. She looked around. "Where's Ami?"
"Ami and Bao are sleeping," Bai Zi Qian replied. "It's quite late in the night."
Li Susu turned to Bai Zi Qian. "Why are you here, Master Bai?" she asked.
Bai Zi Qian pulled up her covers. "I heard you were sick," he answered, not looking at her. "I came to help the girls take care of you."
Li Susu smiled. "Thank you, Master Bai." She let him touch her forehead with his, then put a cool, wet cloth on it. She remembered how she had done the same when Tantai Jin collapsed in the frozen lake… a lifetime ago. "You care for a sick person well."
Bai Zi Qian shook his head. "I'm just following what I remember my mother doing when I was sick," he replied. He smiled. "My father loved being taken care of my mother so much he sometimes pretended to be sick just to catch my mother's attention."
"Your mother and father sound wonderful," Li Susu said, smiling fondly. I'm glad this time, you had your parents with you, even for just a while, she thought, remembering Concubine Ruo and Tantai Wuji in Tantai Jin's nightmare.
Bai Zi Qian smiled slightly, then turned somber. "What happened, Miss Li? Why are you so sick like this?"
Li Susu shook her head. "It's an old ailment," she said. "I'll be all right after a good rest." She knew that Bai Zi Qian, as a mortal, couldn't see the wounds on her body, the remnants of the ravaging damage that the hungry spirits in the Ruo River made on her body. Thankfully, you can't see how much of a mess I am, she thought. When he still looked serious, she smiled reassuringly. "It's nothing serious, I promise."
Bai Zi Qian still looked unconvinced, but he didn't pursue the matter further. "Then please rest, Miss Li," he said.
"You woke me up," Li Susu teased. "Now I can't sleep."
Bai Zi Qian chuckled. "You woke yourself up," he said, his smile faltering as he remembered the name she spoke in her sleep. Tantai Jin.
Li Susu noticed his dejection, and remembered the same. "Master Bai, I…"
Bai Zi Qian shook his head. "Miss Li, I know," he said. "There's no need to apologize. I know how much you miss your husband. But…" he hesitated, and finally looked down.
Li Susu watched Bai Zi Qian closely. "But what, Master Bai?" she asked, enticing him to raise his eyes.
"I wish you could see me, and not him."
Li Susu met Bai Zi Qian's eyes. Those dark eyes pleaded with her so sincerely that Li Susu had to smile. But you are him, she thought, and yet as she looked closer into that familiar face, she realized Bai Zi Qian was indeed different from Tantai Jin. She reached out, and gently touched his face. His eyes had more depth in them, more feeling, and was a fraction rounder than Tantai Jin's. His face was kinder, softer, and wiser.
She lowered her hand, but Bai Zi Qian caught it and held it between his hands. His hands were rougher, more calloused, harder. His body was sturdier, stronger. He had advantages that Tantai Jin never had, such as the love and support of his parents, and thus he was more confident, more outspoken, more deliberate in his actions, guided by the more compassionate hands of his parents.
He was a mortal, untainted by evil, living his life simply, capable of feeling joy and sorrow, love and despair. He was now living the life she wished he could have, a life free of the tangled fate that had been his for so long.
"You are not him, Bai Zi Qian," Li Susu conceded. "You are… someone more."
Bai Zi Qian looked at Li Susu's hand in his. "Li Susu," he said, tenderly calling her by name, "could you… could you let me hold your hand like this?"
Li Susu chuckled softly. "You could do more," she said. "Bai Zi Qian, it will only take a couple of silvers to marry me," she countered, half-teasingly, half-serious, her heart soaring.
Bai Zi Qian stilled. Li Susu curled her fingers around his. "Marry me, Bai Zi Qian," she whispered, "and I will continue holding your hand like this."
Bai Zi Qian blinked. Then he pulled his hand away from hers, took the cloth from her forehead and put it back in the basin. "Don't talk nonsense," he muttered. "You're still feverish."
Li Susu watched him fidget with the cloth. Deep in his bones, Tantai Jin had always been suspicious of everything. Despite what she said a while ago, about him being different from Tantai Jin, Bai Zi Qian was so similar. "It's not nonsense," she said softly, seriously. "My mind is clear, despite my fever. I look at my life, and I know what I'm missing. Do you know yours?"
Bai Zi Qian stared at Li Susu. Then he reached over for his pack and drew something out of it. To Li Susu's surprise, he put her hand on top of a pouch that seemed heavy.
"It doesn't matter if what you said is true or not," Bai Zi Qian said, as Li Susu slightly raised herself to open the pouch and look in it. "I take your words seriously."
Li Susu looked up at him, shocked. Bai Zi Qian met her gaze steadily. "Don't lie to me, Li Susu," he said gravely. "Otherwise…"
Li Susu let out a soft laugh.
Inside the pouch was more than five hundred taels of silver.
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