September 1979

"How are you doing back there?" Steven's voice brought Johnny back to the present.

"Good, good." Johnny was taking in the craggy rock formations and the scrubby landscape as he and Steven hiked the trail. "I can't believe we've never been up here. This is amazing."

Steven let out a short laugh. "Seems like we always find better things to do."

"Funny." Johnny scoffed as they made their way up the trail, pausing every so often to take pictures. It was starting to get a little crowded now since it was still prime tourist season, but for once, Johnny didn't mind. He was too busy taking in the scenery and the wildlife to pay attention.

This had been a good idea, getting away from home for a few days before Steven took off on yet another assignment. Not that Johnny was getting bored at home, far from it. He had plenty to occupy him, not just around the cabin, but outside of it as well. He'd been spending some time tagging along with Doctor Randall at both the clinic and on house calls, though he still hadn't made a decision as to whether to apply for that physician assistant program.

Well, he had already missed the boat for that this coming year, but maybe that was for the best, really. Just getting settled in was enough, and there would be time to possibly see about registering for another paramedic training course, just as a backup plan. If nothing else, once he got through that and got certified, he could volunteer with the area department, maybe even teach classes himself.

But now wasn't the time to worry about that. Now was just for exploring and getting lost in his surroundings. It brought to mind all the times before Johnny had moved here, how he and Steven had managed to meet up at some of Johnny's favorite hiking and camping spots.

At the time, he couldn't have imagined all the circumstances that would lead him to leave California behind and come to Alaska. But he hadn't left it behind, not entirely. Those times that he awakened in the middle of the night, his heart racing from whatever half-formed nightmare he had, was enough of a reminder that while he may have left his job behind, the effects were lasting, and wouldn't be solved merely by being here.

A rather embittering thought, but as he took in the landscape around him, it was still worth making the move. And even though Steven still had his own work to attend to, the two of them were still spending a hell of a lot more time together than in the catch-as-catch-can days.

Life was better now, even with all its challenges.

Johnny noticed that Steven had stopped ahead of him, and he quickly caught up to him. Steven flashed Johnny a quick smile, placing a hand between Johnny's shoulder blades, and Johnny slipped an arm around Steven's waist.

That garnered a few strange looks from other people that were passing by, but Johnny was starting to get used to that. Most of the people he was in regular contact with had long since figured out his and Steven's relationship, and if anyone found it odd, no one ever said anything. He no longer saw any reason to try and hide it, and if people were bothered by it, that was their problem, Johnny supposed.

"Ready to loop back?" Steven asked.

Johnny let his arm drop and raised his camera, honing in on something that had caught his eye. He took a couple of shots before nodding firmly. "Now I'm ready."

Steven looked greatly amused. "You know, maybe you could make a living off that camera yourself."

"Nah, I'll leave that to you." Johnny told him as they followed the trail that would loop back to where they had started. "I just like sending these to Roy. You know, to let him know what he's missing."

"I'm sure he appreciates that." Steven let out a short laugh.

"I'm trying to get him up here for a visit." Johnny explained. "It's just tough with the family and everything."

"I'm sure." Steven agreed. "You know he's always welcome if he can ever arrange it."

Johnny tried to imagine all of them crammed into their cabin and failed. "Yeah, think if they do come, they're better off getting their own cabin."

"Hmm, right." Steven answered with a nod. "Well, the way they're building up the area, I'm sure they'd be able to get one close by."

"I'll keep working on him." Johnny responded. "Maybe next summer, huh?"

By the time they had finished that line of conversation, they had reached the end of the loop and were heading back toward their campsite. Even though the summer solstice had long since passed, the daylight hours were still long enough to throw off Johnny's sense of time, and he was somewhat surprised to find out how late it was when he checked his watch.

Once they returned to the campsite, they worked together, Johnny building up the fire while Steven worked at the small camp stove. The skies had mostly cleared out, leaving only faint wisps of clouds. With any luck, they'd have a shot at seeing the Northern Lights tonight. It didn't matter how many times Johnny saw them, he still marveled at them. He couldn't imagine the sight ever getting old.

As he and Steven settled in around the fire to enjoy their meal, Johnny heard the faintest sound of a guitar and voices singing. Steven seemed to have noticed the same, once again looking amused. "How about that? Dinner and a show."

Johnny laughed quietly at that. "There are worse ways to spend an evening."

"Indeed." Steven nodded. "So, did you tell Doc Randall that you were taking a pass on that physician assistant program?"

"Yeah." Johnny answered with a nod. "He wasn't happy about it, but come on, there was no way I was gonna get everything together in time, anyway. And there's always next year. So now…I guess I'm gonna talk to the fire chief, see what I need to do to get into the next paramedic training session."

Steven frowned and let out an annoyed noise, and Johnny huffed in exasperation. "Listen, you said you were gonna stand behind me, no matter what decision I made, right?"

"Right." Steven answered in a resigned tone. "I was really hoping this wasn't going to be your decision."

"It's only until I can get into the physician assistant program." Johnny pointed out. "And I still have to find out what all the requirements are. I never even got that far."

"Because you kept putting it off." Steven reminded him. "If you don't want to do it, that's fine. Just say so."

"I never said I didn't wanna do it." Johnny answered sharply. "It's just…well, there's a lot to think about, right? Gotta figure out how to pay for it, for one. And there's probably a lot of testing and stuff I have to do. This gives me time to do that."

"I know there's a lot to consider." Steven replied quietly. "And yeah, probably a lot of hoops to jump through. I just don't want you to create your own hoops when it's not necessary."

Johnny rose from his spot beside the fire, holding his hand out for Steven's bowl before heading off to start cleaning up. Maybe Steven was right, and he was just making excuses. It was bad enough that Doc Randall was irritated with him, he didn't need Steven irritated with him, too.

It wasn't as if going back into emergency work was easier, necessarily. Johnny remembered how tough that initial training program had been, and how tough it had been getting through the recertification exam. And it was likely a lot had changed since he'd first gone through training. But hell, maybe he'd learn some new things, too, things that would not only make him a better paramedic, but a better candidate for that damn program in Anchorage.

He let his internal debate go on as he heated the water, dumped it into the dishpan and started scrubbing. He was so absorbed in his task that when Steven placed his hands on his shoulders and kissed his neck, he nearly jumped out of his skin. "Dammit, man."

"Sorry." Steven gently squeezed his shoulders. "Just so you know, I am with you on this. I just worry about you, that's all. I don't want to see you that close to breaking down again."

Johnny did relax a little at that, nodding. "Maybe it'll be different here. You know, different environment and all that stuff."

"Maybe." Steven replied quietly, his thumbs gently pressing on either side of Johnny's spine. "And if it turns out to be too much for you, you can always walk away again."

"Well, I mean, I will eventually." Johnny told him.

"You know exactly what I mean." Steven responded in a scolding tone before lightly kissing the side of his neck.

"Yeah, I do." Johnny huffed. "You gonna let me get this done or what?"

Steven laughed softly, giving Johnny's shoulders one last squeeze before letting his hands drop. "I'll be waiting."

That was all the incentive Johnny needed to hurry up and finish before joining Steven back by the fire. Steven glanced up as Johnny took a seat next to him, greeting him with that little smile. "Hey."

"Hey." Johnny could just hear the sound of the guitar and voices joining in, a not entirely harmonious sound. "Christ, I think they're getting worse."

Steven merely laughed, lightly scratching up and down Johnny's spine. "Still free entertainment, I suppose."

Johnny moved closer, enjoying the sensations of Steven's fingertips as he rested his head against Steven's shoulder. This was good, just being here with him.

He felt a kiss land on top of his head. "Doing okay?" Steven asked.

"Yeah." Johnny answered quietly. "Think that hike took a little more out of me than I thought."

"Well, we were out there most of the day." Steven responded. "I'm feeling a little worn down myself."

Johnny slid his hand to the inside of Steven's knee, his thumb brushing his kneecap. "Could always call it a night."

"Hmm." Steven murmured, his fingertips tracing down Johnny's spine and coming to rest on his hip. "We could."

In all reality, Johnny was perfectly content to be here with Steven just like this, even as the exhaustion from the day's activity caught up with him, and he barely contained a yawn.

Steven merely laughed softly, drawing in closer. "How about I get this fire banked, and I meet you in the Rover?"

"Yeah, okay." Johnny agreed, reluctantly pulling away and starting towards the vehicle, climbing inside and settling in under the covers. It wasn't long before Steven joined him, closing the door behind him.

"Kind of a tight fit." He commented as he shifted around, his body pressing against Johnny's.

"Always is." Johnny answered sleepily. "Would hope by now you'd be used to it."

"I am." Steven replied with a short laugh. "And no, I don't mind in the slightest."

Johnny shifted slightly, resting an arm across Steven's torso. Truthfully, the closer he was to Steven, the better he liked it. And really, things were working out better than Johnny thought they would. He was adjusting to life up here slowly but surely.

Everything else would work itself out, little by little. The thought was enough to ease his mind enough to finally fall asleep.

# # #

"John." Doctor Randall nodded as Johnny entered the clinic.

"Hey." Johnny greeted him in response.

"You boys have a good trip?"

"Yeah, yeah." Johnny answered. "Figured we'd get some hiking in before he took off again."

"Where's he off to this time?"

"The Everglades." Johnny told him with an involuntary shudder. "Another National Geographic assignment."

Doctor Randall let out a short laugh, a rarity given his normally gruff personality. "That man sure gets around. You wanna grab some of those syringes?"

Johnny did so and handed them back to Doctor Randall, who was loading up something that resembled a large tackle box. It was reminiscent of what the county had used as drug boxes, and something twinged in Johnny at the memory.

It was odd, really, that he was falling back into the very thing that had nearly broken him. Maybe he was foolish to think this time around would be any different.

"John." Doctor Randall's voice pulled him out of his thoughts. "Let's get cracking. Got a lot of calls to make today."

"Right, yeah."

They loaded up Doctor Randall's truck and started on their way, stopping at their first planned call of the day. This was quickly becoming a familiar routine, whether they were making house calls or working in the clinic. Johnny would get vitals while Doctor Randall went over the patient's history. Most of their patients were more than happy to talk to Johnny and less willing to talk to Doctor Randall.

Johnny could understand why. He was obviously a good doctor, but his bedside manner was lacking. Doctor Randall was a bit like Brackett and Morton rolled into one, and Johnny couldn't help being a bit amused at the comparison. Still, the two of them seemed to work well together, despite Doctor Randall's occasional digs at Johnny.

He hadn't quite gotten over Johnny's decision not to pursue the physician assistant program. But it wasn't as if he was putting that aside forever, just for the short term until he could get the logistics figured out.

At least, that's what Johnny told himself.

Truthfully, he was second guessing his decision. Maybe if he hadn't dragged his feet the entire summer, he could have applied and at least found out if he had what it took to make it into the program.

The thoughts occupied his mind as he and Doctor Randall went from call to call, eventually pulling up at a nondescript building with a flagpole flying both the national and state flags. "What're we doing here?" Johnny asked.

"Well, figure if you're going to jump back into the frying pan, you might as well see what you're jumping into." Doctor Randall told him.

Johnny let out a short huff. "You're still pissed at me."

"I'm not pissed at you, John." Doctor Randall responded in a more patient tone than usual. "Just think you're passing up a hell of an opportunity."

"Look, there was no way in hell I was gonna have it all together for this year anyway." Johnny argued. "It's not that I don't appreciate the encouragement, but…it just wasn't gonna work out."

Doctor Randall shook his head as they climbed out of the truck. "You're a damn fool, John. A damn fool."

It felt as if that was the general consensus, whether it was said outright or not. Well, there wasn't much he could do about it now, much like when he had initially planned on moving here. Nearly everyone thought he was crazy then, too.

But it was working out, wasn't it? It felt that way more often than not.

Doctor Randall opened the door to the station, and the familiar smell of diesel fuel hit Johnny's nose as they walked into the bay. The apparatuses were slightly different, but so much was the same. He could hear voices in the distance, the familiar camaraderie that was so much a part of his former life.

He did miss that part of it, he had to admit.

Someone walked out into the bay, pausing as they noticed Johnny and Doctor Randall before approaching them. He was nearly as wide as he was tall, striding up to them and extending a hand. "Doc, what brings you by?"

"Chief, there's someone I'd like you to meet." Doctor Randall told him. "This is John Gage. Used to be a paramedic in California. Seems to think he wants to be one again. John, this is Chief Erik Lindstrom. Practically built this place up from nothing."

The chief laughed heartily, grasping Johnny's hand with surprising strength. "The good doctor here exaggerates. Good to meet you, John. What brings you all the way up here?"

"Uh, it's kinda a long story." Johnny told him. "Mostly just needed a change of scenery, I guess."

The chief gave him a curious look but didn't press further. "Well, if you're interested in volunteering, we'd love to have you. Got a current certification?"

"Not here." Johnny answered. "I'd have to get that before anything else."

"Sure, sure." The chief nodded. "Follow me, I'll give you the fifty-cent tour."

The station was much smaller than Station Fifty-One, no surprise, Johnny supposed. He looked around as the chief talked, the pull of nostalgia strong.

He had to check his thoughts before they got too far. After all, it was easy to remember the good times, those fond memories. Those weren't the memories that drove him here, and what kept him awake so often at night.

Christ, this was stupid. What the hell was he thinking?

"Why don't you come meet the guys?" The chief suggested.

Johnny glanced at Doctor Randall before turning back to the chief. "Hey, uh, maybe some other time."

"Sure thing." The chief nodded. "And if you decide you wanna join us, you just give me a shout, okay?"

"Okay." Johnny agreed. "Appreciate the tour."

"You bet." The chief answered. "And Doc, don't you forget about our poker game. You owe me."

"I haven't forgotten." Doctor Randall replied with a wave of his hand. "See you around, Chief."

They returned to the truck and climbed in for the short drive back to the clinic. Even during that short drive, Johnny found himself wondering if he had made a mistake in putting off applying for the physician assistant program.

Doctor Randall pulled in and shut off the truck. "Something changed back there."

Johnny already knew he wouldn't be able to deny that. "Yeah, I think so. Got to thinking about…well, everything. Think maybe I screwed up not applying to that program."

Doctor Randall shrugged. "You'll get another crack at it if that's what you want. And maybe I was breathing down your neck a little hard about it. It's just a damn good program and you'd be damn good at it. But you've got to make that decision in your own time, not let anyone pressure you into it."

Johnny couldn't help but be amused at the doctor's admission. "Guess I've still got a lot to think about."

"Suppose you do." Doctor Randall agreed. "And while you make up your mind, I can sure as hell use you here. You've been a big help."

"Then I guess I'll keep showing up until you get sick of me and kick me out."

"Not going to happen, John." Doctor Randall snorted. "Only way I'm getting rid of you is if you end up…well, you know. And hey, if you ever want to take a road trip to go check out the university, we can."

"Couldn't hurt." Johnny answered casually, even as he still felt a little edgy at the idea.

"Good, good." Doctor Randall nodded. "Until tomorrow, then."

Johnny climbed down and got into the Rover for the drive back to the cabin. He would be on his own for a couple weeks while Steven was gone, and he had to admit he was glad for the time alone. Not that he didn't love Steven with every fiber of his being, but the time apart seemed to be good for both of them. It made it that much sweeter when he returned from those work trips.

Almost as soon as he returned to the cabin, he went through the usual routine of feeding the dogs and finding something for himself to eat before he decided to pick up the phone. He'd been meaning to call Roy anyway, and he'd surely be able to help him figure this out.

The phone rang three times before someone answered. "DeSoto residence."

"Hey, Jo." Johnny responded. "Is Roy around?"

"Hi, Johnny." Joanne replied brightly. "Yes, he's here. Hold on."

There was a brief pause before Roy came on the line. "Johnny, how's it going?"

Johnny took a deep breath. "Pretty good. Got to check out the volunteer fire station today. Doc Randall and I were out doing house calls and he figured we might as well stop in. Got to meet the chief and take a tour. It's a pretty nice place for what it is. Smaller than Fifty-One for sure."

There was a long pause. "You're really going to jump right back into it? The same thing you left behind?"

"Actually…I don't know that I am." Johnny admitted. "Brought up a lot of good memories, but you know, those aren't the ones that keep me up at night."

"I know exactly what you mean." Roy answered quietly. "Not sure what I would have done if I hadn't made captain. Think maybe I was headed down the same path you were."

Something struck Johnny. "But you didn't have the freedom to just leave."

"No, no I didn't." Roy replied. "And I think, well, maybe I was a little jealous of how you could just pick up and leave. You know, being a single guy, no responsibilities…it was just a lot easier for you."

The truth of that hit Johnny hard, and he paused for a long moment to consider that. "Wouldn't have been able to do it if it weren't for Steven, you know. I mean, if it weren't for him…hell, who knows? Maybe I just would have burned out and ended up just like…well, you know."

There was another silence at the end of the line before Roy spoke again. "I'm really glad you have him. Not saying I completely understand it, but whatever it is, it seems to work for you guys."

"It's not really all that different from what you and Jo have." Johnny pointed out. "And people up here, well, they don't seem to care about a couple guys shacking up in the wilderness."

Roy let out a dry laugh at that. "Suppose folks have other things to worry about up there."

Johnny couldn't help joining in with Roy's laughter. "Yeah, you're probably right about that. So…I guess I still don't know what I'm gonna do. Might still do paramedic training, just to keep my skills up to date. Never know, it might come in handy. And Doc Randall wants to keep me around to help out, so I've got that, too. Probably gonna take a trip to check out Anchorage and the university, see what I need to do to get into that program and…I guess I'll just kinda go from there."

"It's not a bad plan." Roy told him. "Sounds like you've got a pretty good life going up there."

Johnny glanced out the window, taking in the landscape of the place he now called home. "Yeah, suppose I do. Wasn't the cure that I thought it'd be, but I'm better than I was a few months ago. And hey, at some point I'm bound to get over all the other stuff too, or at least learn to deal with it."

"I'm really happy for you, Johnny." Roy replied. "I miss you, but I'm happy for you."

"Well, you know, you guys could come up here and visit." Johnny pointed out. "Got lots to show you."

"We'll have to see about that." Roy responded. "But I'll talk to Jo, see what she thinks."

That was good enough for Johnny, and the two of them talked for a while longer about more mundane things. Johnny got a chance to talk to the kids, to tell them all about his life here.

After he hung up, he noticed Pepper leaning hard against him, his tail thumping the floor. Johnny leaned down and scratched the top of the dog's head. "I know, I know, spent too long yapping. You wanna go outside?"

Pepper howled, and Cinnamon soon joined him. Johnny clipped leashes to both dogs and started out toward the trail along the river. It was cooling off, a harbinger of autumn days to come, but for now Johnny simply took in the sounds of wildlife and the river as he and the dogs walked the now-familiar trail.

He had a good life up here, a life he never could have imagined back when he and Steven had first met, back when Steven had first suggested Johnny come to Alaska. It wasn't an easy life by any means, and he still had his own demons to face. But slowly, he was starting to find that peace he'd long sought, and he was starting to forge his own path forward, one that didn't mean leaving his old life behind completely.

Eventually he turned back, unclipping the dogs' leashes and hanging them up near the door before checking his watch. It wouldn't be long before Steven would be calling to check in. Johnny figured he probably had time to put the kettle on to boil for tea before Steven did so.

He filled the kettle and lit the burner before going through the selection of herbal teas one of their patients had given them. Doctor Randall had wrinkled his nose in disgust and given it all to Johnny, and while Johnny was still more a coffee drinker than a tea drinker, he did find a few kinds among the selection that he liked. It seemed to help him settle down a little more at night, too, and frankly, Johnny would take all the help he could get.

Almost as soon as the water came to a boil, the kettle shrieking, the phone rang. Johnny poured the water into a mug over a tea bag and crossed over to answer. "Hello?"

"Hey." Steven's voice was on the other end.

"Hey, yourself." Johnny answered casually. "Catch any gators today?"

"You're hilarious." Steven laughed quietly. "And no, but I got some wild shots. Can't wait to show you. How about you?"

"Oh, you know, just another day." Johnny responded, telling him all about the visit to the fire station and the conversation with Roy.

"Sounds like you've got things figured out." Steven replied.

"And ahead of schedule." Johnny pointed out.

"Indeed." Steven agreed.

They talked for a while longer about nothing in particular. Johnny missed him, but it was no longer the aching sense of longing he used to experience back when they spent more time apart than together. It wouldn't be all that long before Steven was home again, and they'd have plenty of time together before he had to leave again.

"I've gotta let you go." Steven finally told him. "Got to get out early before these damn mosquitoes eat me alive. I love you."

"Love you, too." Johnny replied. "See you when you get home."

"Can't wait."

With that, they both hung up, and Johnny took his tea out to the porch, settling into one of the chairs, propping his feet up on the porch rail with the dogs laying nearby.

He'd absolutely made the right decision in coming here, and now he had something resembling a plan for his future. Everything was finally starting to come together. All he had to do was keep moving forward, and he had every intention of doing so. With all the folks he had in his corner, how could he fail?