22. C-Side

Prompt: Abrasive

This is not enough.

Little felt nowadays. The progress that would have awed Madeline and filled her with pride one or two years ago now only mitigated a sense of annoyance in a long to-do list.

She held herself close and intimate to that list. While it may not be the reason Madeline dragged herself out of bed—like most people—It was more of the reason she did not entertained or brood over a dark train of thought.

Just one misstep at the edge of this cliff and the pinkish sharp rocks at the bottom of the pit.

And her…just…

…falling…

If most people wouldn't dare to label that mindset suicidal, they would label so her current efforts.

It was a vicious circle, on top of that.

As she pushed herself out of her comfort zone, way further than what most people would spit and "suggest" or even conceive, she found not her true potential, but the potential she committed herself to have.

Thus, she achieved what she believed she should have achieved all along from the start.

If she returned to that state of mind, the one that allowed her failure to take place, she could but only know she was falling behind her potential.

Balance did not work for Madeline. It was neither something she could strive or settle for.

In one hand, her life was nothing short of bleak. A self-contained, self-made black hole where nothing entered and nothing came out. Frozen-like in time, where days blended together and the difference between yesterday, today, and tomorrow lost all purpose and meaning.

A life where her dearth would not matter.

On the other hand…

Here she was.

There was a paradox in all of this, but Madeline was too engrossed with the sense of adrenaline and blood burning through her body to really care about it. As she almost skyrocketed her way up through the mountain, every step accompanied a long, heavy exhale. Sweat clashed and wiped against the strong breezes of air, both aiding her and hindering Madeline every now and then.

Badeline's help would have been most appreciated, for sure, but she had not showed up this time since Madeline set a foot in the mountain.

Theo actually declined to come to the mountain this year, saying he had to take care of his sister and mother, but he gifted her his yellow scarf so he could accompany her in spirit.

Granny remained as cryptic as ever, if not with a more straight-to-the-point attitude. Contrary to the former two, she had appeared up across Madeline's climb, no matter how much she had improved, and how fast Madeline now climbed the mountain, being perfectly capable to keep up with her pace.

She never understood how, and that day was not going to be the day she'd crack the mystery, as she was already finding her on her way, just beneath a thin and slender but robust tree with pink leaaves, nigh to the very summit, patiently waiting for her with that enigmatic smile.

"It's hard to believe that it's over, isn't it?" She had asked. Madeline did not like that question. She did not like it at all.

"Funny how we get attached to the struggle. Promise me you'll take care of yourself, okay?"

There were many things Madeline wanted to say.

I don't need you to worry. What do you mean? Or what? What do you think I've been doing all this time? Shut up. Sigh. Say nothing at all. Ignore her. Lie.

Say no.

There were so many things Madeline wanted to shout.

Yet she only hummed hastily as she carried on. Each time Madeline had come near the very summit, she had finally allowed herself to slow down. Feel the cold sweat on her face. The numbing on her limbs, the burn on her lungs. Only to let go all of those feelings once she let herself drop to the ground upon stepping on the last stone slab.

This time, however, she only stopped, as she almost leaped over the edge, only because there was literally nowhere else to go. Despite she knew what was to come, she felt…disappointed.

She sat down amongst the snow, not out for a need of rest, or a desire to enjoy the view people would kill—and die—for. She clenched her fists on the snow until it slipped through her fingers, when little remained at her hold, she threw it into the void and laid down, face up.

Madeline remained in that position until she calmed down. By the time she realized she had done just that, the sky had turned into a much darker purple. She did not give it that much of a thought and opened her backpack.

She pulled out two small rocks and two crayons. A red one and a purple one. Upon viewing the latter, Madeline looked behind her, out of habit.

The path she came from remained deserted still.

Madeline snorted. She turned back to the rocks and crayons and painted hers and Badeline's initials on them, adding them to a very small pile consisting of three rocks each with just the same letters written over them.

The bitter feeling of loneliness burned at her chest, but instead of letting it dwell on her and weaken her, she embraced it.

She had started this trip a long time ago alone.

Carrying on alone was only fitting.