It's the second night in a row that Rick has sat up in the living room, unable to sleep. He's been restless from the moment he left that conversation with Michonne, hollowed-out and unsettled, every word she said ringing relentlessly in his head.

The whole time we were together, it felt like I was a stop on your way back to Lori.

Rick is sitting on the couch, staring at Judith's baby monitor, and running that thought over and over. It washes over him in waves, each one pushing forth a new memory of their time together. He's spent so many years remembering only the good parts, mystified as to how it could've all got so wrong. Michonne's words uncover the cracks that had been there for years, all the million ways that their end was inevitable. That hadn't ever been how Rick wanted to see it.

It's been consuming him for the past two days, all the ways he must have failed to show her his love. Six years removed and it pains him like it was yesterday, feels just as pertinent. Maybe he'd held her at arms length because he knew she'd leave eventually. Knew she was too good for him. Knew that his life, his complicated family dynamic, would be too much.

What would it have taken to prove that I wanted to be with you?

Rick's not sure he knows the answer to that.

A soft knock on the front door has Rick shooting to his feet and reaching to his holster, only to find that it's Glenn, already letting himself inside. Rick relaxes, placing his hands on his hips as Glenn walks over.

"Sorry," the young man greets with a small grin. "Saw the lights were on- figured you were up."

"Figured right," Rick mumbles, rubbing his jaw. "What's up?"

Glenn sighs. "It's about the uh, the run tomorrow." He walks further into the living room, taking a seat on an armchair across from Rick, who sits back down on the couch. "Spencer wants to join the crew."

Rick leans his forearms onto his knees, brows furrowing. After Aiden's death, in the absence of Deanna's focused leadership, Rick had unofficially put Glenn in charge of the run-crew. He trusts Glenn's judgment implicitly- and the fact that he too is voicing concern over Spencer is troubling. "You don't think he should?"

"I think he's unstable. I mean, you've seen him, Rick," Glenn replies with raised eyebrows. "What happened with Noah the other day? He's been vocal about not wanting us in Alexandria, and I think everything with Aiden's made it worse."

Rick nods, remembering the multiple times he's interfered between Spencer and Michonne. "I agree. He's dangerous."

"I won't have him risking my team," Glenn replies, tone cold. "I told him the crew was full, but the guy didn't seem very discouraged. I don't want to start something with him- I don't want him making things worse between us and Deanna, but…"

"But we can't afford to have him around," Rick agrees. "I'll take care of it."

"That doesn't sound good," Glenn remarks wryly, the ghost of a smirk on his face. "Sounds like the old Rick."

Rick straightens, leaning back against the couch and crossing his arms. "The old Rick?"

"Yeah," Glenn shrugs. "Y'know like out on the road, at the prison… You were brutal."

Coming from Glenn, the words are caught somewhere between complementary and perturbed. It strikes a chord in Rick because he knows the person he's become, at times he fears it, and Glenn's one of the last people with any idea of who he was before.

"I'm not anymore?"

Glenn's jaw clenches and he looks around the living room. "I don't know. It's still in there, I know it's still in me." He looks towards Rick, his expression worn. "But maybe we don't need it so much anymore."

He thinks of Michonne, of the million ways he's been reminded of who he used to be since he got to Alexandria. She's an ever-present reminder, making the years between collapse in on each other easily. Rick will never be the man he used to be, maybe he doesn't want to be, but that version of him feels closer than it has in a long time. He feels more human than he has in a long time.

This place is a fantasy. You don't get to live like this anymore. That's what he'd told her. My people don't need this place. The longer it sits with him, the less true it feels.

He looks at the baby monitor sitting on the coffee table in front of him, the luxury of it so foreign to him. Judith's sleeping soundly on the small screen, small thumb in her mouth. It puts the ghost of a smile on Rick's face.

"What do you think about this place, Glenn?" The question comes out quiet, earnest, like a secret shared between them.

Glenn looks away from Rick, a small grin on his face as he thinks about his answer. "I think… I think you're right to be nervous. I think there's a lot here that doesn't work, a lot that we should be scared of… But they've got us now. I mean, Maggie's up right now helping Deanna plan the agricultural expansion. We wouldn't still be here if we didn't think we could make this work, Rick."

Rick takes it in slowly, thoughtfully. It's incredible to see how much Glenn has grown- from the spirited kid he met in Atlanta to someone Rick loves and respects like a brother.

"You know," Glenn starts quietly. "Me and Maggie have been thinking about starting a family." Rick looks up at Glenn suddenly, tries not to give away his surprise. He must not be successful because Glenn chuckles at him anyway. "I know. I knew you'd think it was crazy but… We've got something good here, Rick. Maybe we won't have it forever, maybe we'll have to fight like hell to keep it- but we've got to have something we're doing it for. Right?"

Having something to protect changes everything. He finds Michonne's words ringing through his head once again, accompanied by the image of Carl running into her arms that first day. Rick knows how wonderfully lucky he is to be here today with his children sleeping soundly upstairs. He'd do all of it again if it meant he kept them safe- and it's easy to forget how lucky he is to have that motivation. To have such a clear answer to the question: why keep going?

"Yeah. Yeah, you're right." He looks over at Glenn, at the small dopey smile the kid's got on his face. Rick chuckles softly at the sight. "I'm happy for you, Glenn. For you and Maggie- I don't think it's crazy."

"Thanks," Glenn laughs. "I wasn't sure you'd…" He trails off and Rick urges him on with a small nod. "I guess you've just seemed pretty on-edge since we got here. Like you've been waiting for a reason to leave. I think we've all been a little scared to get comfortable."

Rick lets out a deep sigh. "I know, I know. I've been… I haven't been a great leader."

Glenn shrugs. "Seems like you've had a lot going on."

His pointed tone is a clear invitation for Rick to explain himself. He's sure his people have questions about his temperamental behavior and strange new woman he seems to have a history with. And maybe he needs to finally discuss it with someone who isn't Michonne. So, Rick bites the bullet and says, "We stole a couple guns from the armory a few weeks back. Me, Daryl, and Carol. Just for security, haven't needed 'em yet. Michonne found out."

Glenn's eyes widen and he leans forward in his seat. "Oh," he breathes out. "Well, how well do you know her? Do you think she'd tell Deanna?"

Rick shakes his head quickly. "No, no she… she wouldn't do that. She said she wouldn't." I'm not going to tell Deanna, of course I'm not, she'd told him. It makes his gut wrench, the betrayal in those words. Like his trust still means something to her.

Glenn nods slowly, absorbing the multiple revelations with surprising ease. "Okay so what's the problem?"

"What?"

Glenn chuckles dryly. "Why are you sitting up in the middle of the night worrying about it? If Michonne isn't going to tell?"

His directness gives Rick pause. Why is he sitting up in the middle of the night? It feels unexplainable- the breadth of his worries and regrets surrounding Michonne are so vast, he's not sure he could ever voice them all. But the tenderness he feels towards her, the love that sits waiting in his chest against all odds, that's what makes Rick want to try.

"Y'know, Michonne and I were together for seven years before all this."

Glenn takes the information in stride, his posture softening immediately as he opens himself up to Rick's candidness. Like he simply knows that Rick needs it. "So you and Lori…?"

"We were high school sweethearts. By the time she got pregnant, we'd realized we weren't right for each other. And you know, I wanted to do the right thing, I tried to propose to her. But… Lori was always the smart one. Best thing she could've done was turn me down." Rick grins slightly at the memory. Lori had been his partner in a lot of ways throughout their lives, and Carl had tied them together permanently- for better or for worse at times.

"But Michonne and I… we started dating when Carl was a baby, she was there through all of it. And it couldn't have been easy- me having a kid, having Lori... I'm not sure I always did enough to make it easier for her. She was just… she was too good for me, Glenn. Anyone could see that."

Glenn nods, waiting intently as Rick takes a deep breath. When Rick speaks again, his voice is low and measured. "So she uh, I… I let her walk away. Yeah, she moved to Atlanta and got a great job and had a beautiful baby and I was… I was miserable. I made up a hundred excuses why she couldn't visit Carl, just so I didn't have to face her. I was so mad at her, for figuring out how to be happy without us. And then Lori and I… I guess we figured it was worth trying again. For Carl, maybe. I don't know… Neither of our hearts were in it, I don't think. But then the world ended, and it had to be enough. I had to give Michonne up. But then we show up here…"

"It's like seeing a ghost," Glenn says, hands clasped in his lap as he looks at Rick. Rick nods, a lump forming his throat- as if his body is rejecting having said so much. "Carl seems happy to have her back."

"Yeah," Rick practically whispers, a hand rubbing his face tiredly. The lack of sleep is catching up to him now, that unsettling restlessness in his gut finally easing. "Yeah he loved her a lot. Still does."

"Do you?"

Rick doesn't answer. He's staring at the baby monitor again, watching Judith roll over in her sleep. He can't answer Glenn's question, not out loud. Not yet.

"I get that it's hard to let go of all of the shit- but I think we have to, Rick. Y'know, like does it really matter anymore? I think some people would say you're really fuckin' lucky- you were reunited with your family twice now. People don't get that anymore."

Rick lets those words settle over him, forces himself to face the gentle admonishment in Glenn's eyes. It's the least he deserves, truly the softest way the harsh sentiment could've been delivered. Deep down, he's grateful for it. But the topical sting of it is distractingly painful.

"I think Maggie's been talking to Michonne a lot about the new expansion, about the future of this place." Glenn stands as he says it, places his hands in his pockets. "I think we should try to be part of it. I think it's worth it."

He doesn't wait for a response before he turns to go, leaving Rick dumbstruck in his wake. Rick only just manages to call out before the younger man leaves the room, "Glenn." He turns back over his shoulder, his eyes holding that familiar respect and understanding. "Thank you."

Glenn simply nods before turning to go.

Once he's gone, Rick swallows down the lump in his throat and decides its finally time to sleep.