CHAPTER SEVENTY-NINE

EVOLUTION

17x01 Gold Star

TWO WEEKS LATER

"You know I always thought by the time we got to be this age, all the bullshit would just go away." JJ muttered as she dried the plate that Tara handed her. Her eyes glazed over as she said it.

"Yeah, that is a lie my friend," Tara said back with a sarcastic laugh. "It gets harder every year."

JJ looked up quickly, but Tara was focused on the wine glass in her hand. JJ looked away again. "Well, you know what? When you do meet Miss or Mister Right, it's still work, but it's worth it."

Tara nodded slowly. She watched JJ for a moment. JJ could feel her eyes on her. She knew everyone had questions about Emily and her behavior lately. It was maddening sometimes to work with people who read body language for a living. The only secrets that existed between the team existed out of courtesy for each other's privacy. Nobody asked - but everyone knew.

"No Emily tonight…" Tara began cautiously.

JJ looked back up at her. "She is just burying herself in work," JJ replied. "Bailey's death really hit her hard."

"None of what happened was her fault," Tara said back quickly.

"I wish we could convince her of that," JJ sighed heavily. Tara took an extra moment to watch JJ return to Penelope's living room. She too let out a heavy sigh.

"You know those things'll kill ya," Tara remarked casually as she watched Emily pull a brand new pack of cigarettes out of her jacket pocket.

Emily sighed, glancing down. "Believe me, my wife has reminded me plenty of times…" Emily sighed. She looked momentarily conflicted - but opened the pack and took one out. Tara watched her with gentle eyes. She knew how much pressure she had been putting on herself these past two weeks. Tonight, instead of celebrating Penelope's birthday with the rest of the team, Emily had spent the night holed up in her office pouring over case files. Even JJ couldn't tear her away.

"Prentiss…" Tara studied her friend with suspicious concern. She was desperate to ask her what was going on with her. She was desperate to understand why JJ had been acting so angry lately - why Emily had been isolating herself from the rest of the team. Tara opened her mouth to ask but closed it again. This wasn't the time.

"I think we've been looking at this all wrong. I don't think Gold Star is an operation… I think it's a person."

"An unsub?" Tara asked, eyebrows arching.

"Yes. Based on the three cases I've found so far, a seasoned one."

"Jesus…" Tara muttered under her breath before extending her hand. Emily handed her the pack.

Emily walked through the door, into a dark and quiet house. The only noise was the faint humming of the dishwasher running in the kitchen. She locked the door behind her and closed her eyes, letting out a long breath. She opened them quickly when she heard the sound of the wooden steps creaking. JJ appeared at the bottom of the staircase and stopped immediately to take in the scene before her. Emily watched her jaw clench in understanding.

"I hope you threw the rest away," JJ muttered bitterly.

Emily looked down at her feet shamefully. "I did…" She replied.

They stared at each other for a long beat before Emily began to take off her thick winter coat and kick off her shoes.

"Charlotte was asking for you again," JJ whispered. She was leaning a shoulder against the wall, arms crossed, tired eyes downcast. Emily said nothing, causing JJ to look back up at her. She pushed away from the wall, taking a few steps closer. "You want to give me something here?"

"I know how worried you are…" Emily admitted. JJ scoffed, shaking her head. I know how angry you are. Emily added in her head.

"Doug Bailey is dead," JJ said fiercely. Emily's eyes snapped to hers intensely. "You're not."

Emily blinked in consideration. She watched JJ turn and walk back up the stairs.

The sound of clinking dishes woke her the following morning. Emily hadn't even bothered going upstairs the previous night. Instead, she had simply walked over to the living room couch, taken off her watch, and collapsed into the cushions. It only took seconds for her to fall asleep. And it felt like no time had passed at all.

But the sun was shining, and she could hear the faint sounds of JJ moving around the kitchen getting ready for the day. Emily fought the exhaustion in her body and sat up. Her dress pants and blouse were badly wrinkled after sleeping in them. She made her way to the kitchen and hesitated in the doorway. JJ was in her own world, cooking eggs and brewing coffee.

"Morning," Emily said, hoping to break the tension she was feeling.

JJ turned and looked at her. "You never came to bed," she said flatly.

"Yeah, I - um…"

"Did you sleep?" JJ cut her off.

"Yeah I did. On the couch," Emily whispered timidly.

JJ stared at Emily for a moment, then shook her head with a sigh. "You know you have to take better care of yourself, Emily." She turned back to the stove, poking at the eggs a little more forcefully than necessary.

Emily stayed silent, knowing JJ needed to get this off her chest. She could sense the worry and frustration rolling off her wife in waves.

"I know how important this is to you," JJ continued, her voice thick with emotion. "And god, Em, you know I admire your passion…" She turned away from the stove fully to face Emily. "But I don't give a damn about Voight or Douglas Bailey or whatever Gold Star is." JJ's words came out in an impassioned rush. "All I care about is you. You're working yourself to the bone and I can't... I won't just stand by and watch you run yourself into the ground like this," JJ said, her voice laced with fury. "I don't know if this is some weird confrontation with mortality or if you honestly don't see it, but I won't let you do that to yourself. I just won't."

Emily's chest ached at the anger and anguish in JJ's voice. She crossed the room and reached for JJ but was interrupted by a very loud thud from the floor above them.

"Mom! Henry pushed me!"

Both women looked up, locking eyes. An ache swelled in JJ's chest to be held by her wife, but for the past two weeks, anger had overshadowed even that longing - a fury that burned stronger than any other emotion.

"You stay here," Emily said quickly. "I got this one."

"And when was the last time you slept?" Dave argued back. Emily furrowed her brow. "In your bed," he added, "With your wife?"

Emily shook her head a little. That question was too pointed - too on the nose. JJ must have said something to him. She knew Dave was right, but she had no interest in talking about it.

"When's the last time you went to mandated trauma therapy?" Emily countered, pointedly.

"Alright. We have each other's back. Always have," Dave said. "But you told me a while ago this burden isn't mine alone. Well, back at you!"

Emily swallowed. Dave hardly knew half of it…

JJ's mind was all over the place. She was in the middle of making coffee, and cooking breakfast for her children - they'd be up any minute. All without the help from Emily, who left their bed at 4:00am for a phone call from the director.

She thought she'd lost track of time when she heard the keys in the front door. She peered at the clock and furrowed her brow. JJ did her best to force a smile when she saw Sandy come around the corner and into the kitchen.

"You're really early, mom," JJ said casually. There was a hint of annoyance in her voice.

"Well, I was hoping we could talk before the kids got up," Sandy answered.

JJ didn't say anything, she just turned her back and opened the refrigerator. She didn't know if she had the patience for whatever this was.

"When's the last time you and Emily had some time to yourselves? Away from the kids?" Sandy asked, her eyes narrowed in concern.

JJ turned back to her, and wrapped her hands around her coffee. "What are you talking about, Mom?" She asked impatiently. She took a sip.

"I'm talking about sex, Jenny," Sandy said bluntly.

JJ coughed and almost choked on her coffee. "Mom! What the hell?"

"I talked to Emily," Sandy added casually.

JJ's eyes widened in alarm, her face flushed with anger and embarrassment. "You what?" Sandy didn't answer. "You had no right to do that," JJ seethed angrily.

"I know I didn't," Sandy said calmly. "But I'm worried about you. You and Emily are drifting apart."

"We're not drifting apart!" JJ said, her voice rising. "Mom, there are things that you don't know…"

"Then tell me, Jennifer!" Sandy said, her voice firm.

JJ clenched her jaw and stared angrily at her mother. She took a deep breath and tried to calm down. "Emily and I are handling it." she said finally.

"No," Sandy said, shaking her head. "You're not handling it. That's the point." She paused for a moment, studying JJ's face.

She looked furious - arms crossed over her chest, refusing to make eye contact. "Mom -" JJ began.

"You're angry, Jennifer," Sandy said. "At Emily, at your children, at Agent Rossi, at Agent Alvez, at Agent Lewis, at me! That's a long list of people to be angry at."

Both were quiet for a moment. JJ bit down hard and looked off to the side. She shook her head in shame and did her best to fight back the emotion welling up. She was crying now.

Then in a soft voice, Sandy asked, "What is going on with you?"

JJ didn't want to say the words. She supposed that perhaps this is how Emily had felt too. She took in a breath. "She's sick, mom." JJ watched the moment of realization in her mother's eyes. Sandy sat up straighter and leaned forward, alarm flashing behind her eyes. "And I'm so angry… But it doesn't really do much good to be angry at the cancer, so I guess I'm just the asshole who takes it out on my wife!"

Her mother was right - she'd been angry for weeks now. And she'd been taking it out on her friends, her family… And Emily. The very person that needed her the most. But it was beginning to dissipate, revealing the debilitating helplessness she was feeling.

"Jenny… It's okay to feel angry about something like this. But you need to find a better way to deal with it."

JJ shook her head silently. She leaned backwards and looked up at the ceiling trying to keep the tears in her eyes. She sniffed and gazed at her mother again. They stared at each other for what felt like forever. JJ felt a new wave of tears well up in her eyes. Again, her vision went blurry.

"I love my wife," JJ said in a desperate whisper.

"I know you do." Sandy replied.

"I can't live without her -"

"Yes you can," her mother cut her off quickly. JJ creased her brow in offense, but realized what her mother was getting at. JJ nodded to herself. A tear escaped her eye and rolled down her cheek.

"I don't want to…" JJ breathed in a ghost of her voice.

"I know." Sandy said softly. She looked up at her daughter sadly. JJ searched her mother's eyes before sniffing and wiping the tears off of her cheeks. She smiled tightly and nodded.