A/N

Warning: self harm.

Chapter 9

"I know Steven. About you and Walker"

All his pent up indignant rage dissipated as those words left Brendans lips. He knew. He knew what Simon had done to him, how did he know?

"What?" it's the only word he could get out

Simon must have told him, it's the only way he could know. Unless he'd just worked it out for himself, maybe he really did know him better than anyone and now he was going to help him, he was going to look after him.

Brendan looked so angry though, he had images of Brendan beating up Simon, beating him to death. They both knew he was capable of it, what if Brendan's got himself in trouble because of this?

"Walker told me everything. How you helped him move flat, how you stayed and drank with him and then how you let him fuck you. A man you barely knew."

That was like a punch to the gut. What? He thinks he slept with him. Brendan's angry because he thinks he chose to have sex with Simon. 'Walker told me everything'. It's a lie! He's lying.

Brendan looked at him with disgust written all over his face.

"No"

Brendan continued but he could barely concentrate on what he was saying: 'were you jealous' 'wicked way' 'want to share' 'join in'. He felt like he couldn't breathe, Brendan was saying vile things to him.

There was so much whirling around his head, so much he wanted to say, he needed Bren to know the truth but he couldn't find the words.

He hurt me

He forced me

Please believe me

He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes as his bottom lip trembled, nothing would come out of his mouth, all he could do was stare at Brendan.

"Got nothing to say for yourself? Aw, are you going to cry? Say it was a mistake? Or maybe you're going to tell me you love him, we both know how easily you say those words" Brendan spat before turning his back on him.

He silently willed Brendan to turn back and look at him, to really look at him, he'd know if he looked, he'd know the truth. He had to.

"Please" he whispered as the tears ran down his cheeks and over his lips.

"Walkers welcome to you"

He let out a strangled sob as he watched Brendan walk away through the Deli window. He ran to the door desperate to open it and shout after him, to beg him to listen, but he didn't. Instead he rested his hands on the door frame before locking and bolting it. He slowly walked back through to the kitchen, leant against one of the cabinets and then slid down it until he was in a heap on the floor.

There was no going back now, if he ever tried to tell Brendan what actually happened he'd think he was lying so he couldn't blame him. That would be Simon's defence, 'if that had happened why didn't he say something earlier? Why did he wait? He just changed his mind afterwards'. They're the kind of things people say, or that if he really didn't want it then he'd have fought him off, he's not a girl.

No matter how much pain he was in staying silent, it wouldn't compare to the pain of telling people and them thinking he was lying, the pain of Brendan not believing him. He'd had months to tell someone and he'd kept quiet, he'd made his bed and now he had to lie in it.

He struggled to catch his breath through the tears, his eyes were blurry and his head was pounding, he needed it to stop, he needed a release. He looked down at his bandaged arm and started pulling it off until he could see bare skin and stitches, he furiously scratched and clawed at the arm until the stitches were ripping out and the wounds reopened.

The pounding eased off, his breath was easier to catch, the noise stopped, his vision cleared.

He remained on the floor with his legs splayed out in front of him, his breathing was laboured but he felt a calmness wash over him as he watched the blood seep out of his wounds and trickle down his arm. It was almost peaceful.

—-

"I'll go to the bank"

"No, no, i'll go, you were here for the delivery at 6am! I'm not pulling my weight" Doug exclaimed.

"Honestly i don't mind, i like keeping busy" he replied vacantly

"No, I owe you, and I'll do all the morning deliveries for the rest of the month," Doug said, with an air of desperation in his voice.

He sighed "You don't have to keep trying to make it up to me Doug, I said I understood why you did what you did, I've forgiven you. Can we just move on?"

Doug hung his head "and i'm grateful, i really am, taking the money off Brendan and lying about it was stupid and selfish and i'm going to make it up to you, i promise"

He offered up a small smile and continued to knead his bread dough. "How was last night?" He wanted to change the subject.

"Dude, footballers have it so easy, the girls literally throw themselves at them in these clubs and because I'm with Riley, I get just as many! Well not just as many, but a fair bit of interest"

"Oh yeah? And are they still interested when they realise you don't have Riley's kind of money or his ball skills?" Ste mocked tongue in cheek.

"Well, no. no." Doug conceded

"Anyway, I thought Riley and Mitzeee were a thing now?"

"Oh god dont get me started, they're their own worst enemies, star crossed lovers' Doug wafted his hands around the air.

He sighed, he knew what that felt like, he had often thought about him and Brendan in the same way. Two people who loved each other at various times, but could never get it to work, doomed to fail.

Not that it mattered anymore, Brendan definitely didn't feel anything but disgust for him now, it had been three weeks since he had confronted him about Simon and Brendan had blanked him ever since.

Brendan hadn't come into the deli and obviously he hadn't gone to the club, but in the few times he'd seen him walking through the village, Brendan hadn't even glanced at him. The older man would walk past him and completely ignore his presence, pretending he didn't even exist, in a way it was the worst thing Brendan could do, it made him feel so alone.

He spent most of his time feeling like that now, like there was a wall up around him that no one could see through. He went through the motions, got up, worked hard all day and made small talk with Doug and the customers, went home, played with the kids and helped put them to bed. He didn't feel like it was actually him, he felt like he was watching it all from the outside, watching himself play the character of Ste Hay to just get through the days.

When he was alone though, when the day was done, he would close the door to his bedroom and carefully take out the box he'd hidden under his bed. The box was the only thing that allowed him to get through each day. He pulled out the slim silver scissors that he'd stolen from the hospital last time he was there getting stitches and placed them on the bed, followed by the bandage roll and sterile wipes. He sat back on the floor with his back against the wall as he pulled the sleeve of his hoodie up, his left arm was covered in cuts so he'd had to start on his right, it wasn't as easy to use his left hand for it, the lack of coordination had caused him to go too deep a couple of times and he couldn't afford to have to get stitches again, the hospital wouldn't believe any story he came up with and then people would start sticking their noses in, it was too big of a risk. He needed to be more careful, he placed the blade of the scissors against the soft smooth skin of his forearm and applied pressure until he felt the familiar sting and sharp shooting pain before dragging the blade across. He rested his head back on the wall as he felt the trickle of blood droplets running down his arm, the initial pain subsided and the light headed feeling took over, he had his release.

When he started to hurt himself it had been unintentional, a frantic and explosive reaction to something, but he soon came to crave the fleeting feeling of peace it provided him with. Punching walls and windows was clumsy and too obvious, it was drawing attention to him and the last thing he wanted was people's attention, he wanted to fade into the background, disappear. So he had begun to be more organised about it, it still provided the same release but now he was in control, he had control of what happened to him. He felt like it was a pressure cooker being released, all the pent up pain and anger from the day was let out and for a little while he was free and unburdened.

It wasn't just about control though, he wanted to punish himself, he wanted to make himself as ugly on the outside as he felt on the inside with all the guilt that littered his mind. He had a routine now but he didn't do it every night, it wasn't an addiction, it was a way to cope when he got overwhelmed, but it was becoming more regular than it had been he couldn't deny that.

After about 5 minutes he grabbed one of the sterile wipes and cleaned the fresh cut up and wiped the blade of the scissors, then he wrapped a thin bandage over it cuts, secured it and pulled his hoodie sleeve back down. He neatly packed the items back into their box and slid it back to its hiding place under his bed, he was running low on sterile wipes, he made a mental note to pick up some more soon. Once everything in his room was back in its place he climbed into bed and pulled the duvet close around him, he closed his eyes and tried to use the lingering feelings of relief to help him drop off.

—-

The next day he was enjoying a rare quiet moment in the Deli after the lunch time rush, he was replenishing the pre-made wraps when he spotted Brendan out of the corner of his eye in the club yard. He halted his actions and turned to the window to watch the Irishman, he was directing some lad in a chez chez uniform on how to store the empty crates in the yard for collection, something he used to do when he worked there. He'd seen the lad a few times before, blonde, about his age and height, more muscular than Ste was though, he could imagine Brendan had hand picked the lad himself, he was his type. He watched intently as the two conversed and moved things around, he's pretty sure Brendan was checking out the lads bum when he picked something up, then the pair ascended up the club steps to the balcony, Brendan ever so slightly behind the guy. As they reached the balcony Brendan looked around him before laying a hand on the small of the lads' back and guiding him into the club, it was an intimate move, an action Brendan had performed on him many times before, Brendan had a new toy.

He tore his eyes off the club and moved back into the kitchen to try and clear his head, deep breaths, ignore the voice in his head, he can think about it later when he's alone in his room, focus. His pensive mood was disturbed when his phone began to ring, he looked at the caller ID, Amy.

Cheerie voice ready 'Hiya"

"Ste?" Amy didn't sound right.

"Amy, you ok? What's wrong?"

"Are you home tonight? Dad's taken the kids, i just need a friend"

Is he home tonight? Where else would he be? The Deli or the flat, they're the only two places he goes. Amy never called him like this, it was making him panic

"Is everything ok? Has something happened?"

"It's just stuff with Ally, I just need a night with my best friend," she said sadly.

He sighed in relief "OK yeah, i'll make us a pizza and bring it home. Sex and the city marathon yeah?"

"Perfect, get some wine as well, maybe two bottles" she quipped.

"Consider it done. See you later, love you"

"Love you too, Ste".

—-

Their night together had been nice, it was comforting and familiar and he hadn't felt that in a long time. Amy was the first person he'd trusted in his whole life, she was the first person he'd loved and despite everything they'd been through, everything he'd done to her, she would always have a piece of his heart, platonically. She was safe.

It turns out soldier Ally was anything but a knight in shining armour, he'd cheated on Amy with Ash from the club. During their break up argument he'd dished out some comments about Amy not having anything in her life, something about how 'even Ste had managed to make something of himself' and she just worked in a coffee shop and looked after her kids and wasn't going anywhere. Prick. He was going to give that Australian tit a piece of his mind when he saw him, even if the soldier could batter the absolute shit out of him, he wasn't going to let him get away with treating Amy like that. Amy's confidence and self-worth had taken a knock and he was going to do everything he could to restore it, she didn't deserve to feel like that about herself

"I can't believe it, i thought he was cool" Doug said in dismay

"Yeah well he's not. I never liked him anyway, i didn't think they looked right together"

Doug was silent so he turned to look at him and saw a questioning look on the Americans face.

"What?"

"Are you sure you weren't a bit jealous?"

"Eh? Im gay doug, incase you missed that part" he shot back

"I don't mean like that," Doug rolled his eyes. "It's just you two are very close, which is great, and it makes it understandable that when a guy comes into Amy's life and it's serious, you might be a bit put out, feel like you're being replaced. So i wouldn't blame you if you felt relieved that he was out of the picture"

"Doug! I'm not jealous or put out! I want Amy to be happy, she's my best mate and the mother of me kids, I'd never want her to be unhappy!" He spun back around and continued his chopping.

"Alright! Sorry, forget i said anything" Doug conceded.

He tried to ignore the little voice in his head that told him that Doug wasn't completely wrong. He did want Amy to be happy, but he'd be lying if he said there wasn't a tiny part of him that worried every time Amy started seeing someone new that he was going to be airbrushed out. She would meet a man who gave her everything she wanted and needed and they'd become the perfect nuclear family with two kids, a dog and the picket fence existence and there would be no room for the fuck up moronic ex. He really was a nasty piece of work, misery loves company and all that.

He didn't look up at the sound of the deli door opening until Doug spoke to him again

"Ste, can you serve them, i've got to run for my train" he looked at Doug blankly. "I'm meeting my folks in London, remember?"

"Oh yeah, yeah, it's fine, have fun" he'd completely forgotten.

"Ha fun?, you haven't met my Mom and dad" Doug joked, grabbing his coat and dashing out the door.

He stopped his prep work in the kitchen and pushed through the door into the main shop

"Hiya, what can i -" he stopped in his tracks as he took in the sight before him. The new lad from the club was stood there perusing the menu, close behind him was Simon, making direct eye contact with Ste.

"Get you?" he choked out the rest of his sentence.

"Ste! Long time no see, have you met Kevin? He's the new man"

His face blanched at the comment.

"The new barman, that is, at the club" he could see Simon's amusement.

"Erm, no, alright?"

"Hi, you used to work at the club didn't you? Think Cheryl mentioned it" Kevin looked at him curiously.

"He did, you're his replacement, so to speak" Simon was enjoying this. "Me and Kevin are just grabbing some lunch, been telling him how great the food is here, everything in this deli is …..delectable" Simon slowly rolled those final words over his lips, not taking his eyes off Ste.

He could feel himself going red, his palms were starting to sweat, his mouth was dry, he needed his box.

Kevin seemed oblivious to the tension in the shop as he stopped studying the menu,

"I'll get the chicken pesto mozzarella panini"

He nodded and began preparing it, looking anywhere but at the men before him.

"What did Brendan say he wanted?" Kevin asked Simon

"He didn't specify, you choose for him" Walker was lounging on the bench by the window, legs splayed, taking up far more room than he needed to, ensuring his presence was felt.

"He'll have the spinach and feta panini then" Kevin directed at Ste

"He doesn't like feta" the words were out of his mouth before he even realised it. He looked up to see Kevin's aggravated expression in front of him, Simon's smug smile remained in place.

"Well take that feta out of it then" Kevin snapped.

"Actually maybe Ste should pick Brendan's, I'm sure he knows what he likes, right Ste?"

Ste shrugged, shrinking under the two heavy gazes.

"He likes the chipotle chicken, chorizo and grilled cheese" Jesus, what was he doing?! Why couldn't he shut his mouth?He was asking for trouble. Kevin's stare hardened and he stood rigid.

"Mmmm, sounds delicious, I'll have the same," Simon confirmed, licking his lips.

He'd never rushed to make some panini's as much as he was right now, he needed them both out of his deli as quickly as possible. The chicken pesto one was done first, he wrapped it and placed it on the counter, shortly followed by one of the chipotle chicken ones.

"Kevin, why don't you take yours and Brendan's and get back to the club, before they get cold? I'll pay for them" Simon suggested

A shiver ran down his back

"Yeah" Kevin grunted "Brendan will be wondering where i am" he was certain he didn't make up the tiny bit of satisfaction in Kevin's voice as he said that.

The Deli door closed and he looked up to see Kevin hurrying into the club, Simon was watching him too before standing and sauntering towards the counter, closer to Ste.

"Cute eh? Brendan's new play thing. Remind you of anyone?"

He remained silent.

"If it makes you feel any better, i'd rather have you all day long"

He tensed up at the words. Simon wouldn't do anything here would he? Wouldn't be that bold, surely.

The older man leant down on the counter "But you know what Brendan's like, always looking for the next new shiny boy. He's insatiable" Simon chuckled as he picked up a straw and played with it in his fingers.

He was doing his best to block out Simon's words, he placed the finished wrapped panini down on the counter in front of the man, as he went to walk away Simon suddenly grabbed his wrist and pulled him close.

"I'm sorry i had to tell Brendan about us" he spoke unnervingly "it wasn't fair you see, keeping it from him".

He was shaking, his eyes were darting from Simons, down to where the man's hand was tightly gripping his arm and back again. "Let go" it was embarrassingly weak, barely audible.

"I know you saw us" a smile played across Simon's lips as he pulled him in closer "how did it make you feel? Strange isn't it, you and Brendan, me and Brendan, you and me…." Simon was so close to him he could feel his hot breath on his neck as he craned his face away from him.

Simon brought his other hand up to his face and tried to run his fingers through Ste's hair, he pulled back with all the force he had and released himself from Simon's grip. He plastered himself against the furthest wall he could reach to put as much distance as possible between them.

Simon smiled sinisterly and picked up his panini, holding it to his face and sniffing deeply.

"Mmmm. delicious" Simon placed a twenty pound note down and walked backwards towards the door, winking at him before disappearing out of the deli and back to the club.

He recoiled into the kitchen and collapsed into a heap on the floor, he brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them as he rocked himself and fought back the tears. He reached up to the cabinet behind him and blindly felt for the knife he'd had earlier, grabbing it when he felt it. He rolled the sleeve of his shirt up and placed the knife in the crook of his elbow. Release.

—-

Ste softly shut the door to the kids bedroom and crept back to the living room.

"They're out cold"

Amy gave him a tired smile. "Are you feeling better? You went straight to bed when you got in yesterday"

Yesterday he'd had to shut the shop after the Simon and Kevin incident. He'd spent the afternoon curled up on the floor of the deli kitchen wondering what it would be like to cut a little deeper, what it would feel like, how long it would take. He shuddered at the memory.

'Yeah, just a long day you know with Doug off"

She nodded, "I wanted to talk to you."

He cocked his head at her questioningly.

"Ste" she took a deep breath and turned to face him on the sofa.

This wasn't going to be good.

'You know what we talked about the other night?, about me not doing anything, not going anywhere"

"No, that was the rubbish Ally said, it's not true!"

"But it is, not the way he said it, but I've felt like this for a while. I never stick to anything, school, uni, acting. I just give up all the time and I blame being a mum or not having money but at the end of the day I can't use that as an excuse anymore. Look at you, i didn't grow up with abusive parents, or dyslexia, or go to young offenders-"

"Alright, don't go on about it" he mumbled

"No I'm not Ste, I'm just saying you've overcome all that and you've made something of yourself. Even with Brendan constantly breathing down your neck"

He's not made anything of himself, he's still dirt. She doesn't understand.

"Right well let's make a plan for you then, i'll help wherever i can"

"That's the thing, I have a plan. The only thing I've really loved is teaching. You know that."

"Yeah" he nodded enthusiastically, that was true. She'd make a great teacher.

"Well there's a course, half the time its learning in the classroom and the other half is on the job, they have a placement sorted for you and it all feeds into the course"

"That sounds ace! When does it start?"

"Next monday"

"Brill! That's great!" He leaned forward and pulled her into a hug.

She pulled back and looked uneasy "The thing is, it's in Manchester"

He settled back, there was the catch. She would be leaving Hollyoaks. Leaving him.

"You know I can stay with my dad whilst I get settled and find somewhere more permanent. I know it's not the same as living here but it's not a million miles away, just a train journey. It's just such a great opportunity and the thought of staying around here, i just "-

"It's ok, I get it." he sighed "you should go"

"You do realise, the kids, they'd be coming with me?" she looked at him nervously.

Amy wasn't the same girl she was when he'd been hitting her and he certainly wasn't the same man, but sometimes he wondered if she was still scared of him at times. He was still terrified of Brendans moods after all.

As soon as the words came out of her mouth he knew she meant that all three of them would be going. The thought of losing his kids was a knife to the heart, but this was for Amy. Amy who had put up with all his shit over the years, Amy that had loved him, still loved him, Amy who had helped put him back together again a number of times. It was time he did something for her. She could go with or without his blessing, but his support would mean the world.

He stood up and walked to the window, hands in his hair.

"You should go. If this is what you want. I understand"

"Ste thank you! Thank you so much, you have no idea how much i've been worrying"

"But I have to see the kids as much as possible, please, and call them all the time, I'm serious Amy. I can't be one of those dad's that don't see their kids. You know me, I love being a dad, it's the only thing I'm good at" He was frantic now as the words spilled out.

"I know, I know! You're still going to be a part of their lives! Come down whenever you can, I'll make sure there's room for you, and we'll still come here and stay. It's only manchester."

They slumped down on the sofa in each other's arms. His head was buried in her shoulder

"I'm gonna miss you all so much" he mumbled to her as she stroked the back of his head.

—-

It had been three days since Amy and the kids had moved out of the flat and down to Manchester. Mike had come to pick them up, he'd helped load up the car with their stuff and then waved them off with a double chocolate fudge cake he'd baked with buttercream icing and the words 'Good Luck' decorated on top.

That night he'd drunk himself into oblivion, his mix of vodka, beer and Amy's leftover white wine got him so paralytic he'd been too smashed to even get his box out, something he'd been needing all day. The next day was a write off, luckily Doug had been back and had covered at the deli so he'd spent the whole day wallowing in the flat. It reminded him of the time, months ago when he'd holed up in the flat for 5 days straight after that night at Simon's. Maybe Amy taking the kids was for the best, he was hardly the most sane version of himself right now, he wasn't healthy and sooner or later Amy would have figured that out.

"Oi you, you're ignoring me"

"No, no i'm not"

"I thought you would have been happy to see me"

"I am, it was just a shock"

"Thought you might need a friend"

"I do, I do."

"Have you missed me?"

"More than you could know"

"Hey it's ok, it will all be ok. I'm here to help you now"

"How?"

"I'm going to help you feel better"

"I don't think anyone can"

"You'll see. I'm not going anywhere"

The Deli door swung open and Ste looked up to see Lyndsey.

"Hiya love, Coffee please"

"Coming up"

She looked around the deli, craning over his shoulder to see into the kitchen.

"Who were you talking to?"

"What?" he asked in a daze

"I saw you nattering away through the window"

"Oh, no one" he handed her coffee over.

"You want to be careful, first sign of madness, talking to yourself!" she joked, placing her money into his hand.

He gave a tight smile and opened up the till.

"Right, well, see you around then" she looked at him with concern.

"Yeah, bye" he whispered, and Lyndsey walked back out.

"She would know about madness".

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