JOHANNA'S POV
I left Leila's room feeling like shit. Haymitch was right to be mad at me, I wasn't the nicest person to her. What Varia said about her still haunted my thoughts; I couldn't believe how her family allowed all those aberrations.
"Hey Mason!" I heard Chase's faint voice calling me. I went back a few steps and saw that he was in his hospital bed. He had been assigned a room on the same level as mine.
" soldier Woodstock" I greeted him.
"why so cold, babe? don't tell me my defeat today ended your love for me."
"I already told you not to call me 'babe'. And yes it was a little pathetic your performance in the dining hall" he laughed
" if I remember correctly, she kicked your ass pretty good too," he scoffed.
"Hardly. So what's your diagnosis?"
"significant blood loss, and two deep wounds but not serious. I'll be discharged in a couple of days. I wouldn't mind having a nurse to just take care of me though, are you interested in the job?" he said, raising his eyebrows suggestively.
"maybe" I looked at him 'mulling it over'. I moved even closer to him and put my hand on his injured leg, just below his crotch, he looked at me with amused excitement; with gentle movements I moved up and down his leg teasing him and then squeezed hard right where his wound was, making him hiss in pain. I laughed.
"I'll say it again, I love aggressive, surly women" he said in a voice choppy with pain.
"What a masochist you are."
"One day I'll see you begging for me, Mason."
" not even in your dreams, big guy" I scoffed.
"I just have to be patient" I rolled my eyes "tell me, if you haven't come to coddle me to sleep what are you still doing awake? it's late"
"I was just..." I shut off right away remembering Boggs "hey Chase, haven't any of your fellow soldiers come to ask you about what happened today?"
"Not that I remember, sugar. I was sedated until a couple of hours ago. Why are you asking?"
"Because Boggs came for Leila. They were going to put her on trial."
"damn! poor girl, I hope it doesn't bring her too much trouble, you know what the verdict was?" I was silent. Chase had been unconscious all this time, he didn't know anything about what happened with her. "Did something happen, Johanna?"
"There was no trial, at least not for now. Leila tried to kill herself"
"poor girl" he repeated again with sorrow.
"Some of your colleagues were donating blood for her."
" yeah she's very liked by some of us"
"I don't doubt it" I said sarcastically.
"Are you jealous?"
"no, Chase but I don't think it's fair to objectify her like that," he looked at me for a moment confused.
"wow, wow, wait a second. I never said anything like that, yeah she's hot but she wasn't popular for that, she was popular for being nice and well, for being her" he said looking away embarrassed.
"What do you mean?"
He took a deep breath "look, I don't want you or another of your friends to take it personally but well, we watched the games too. Not for entertainment but to show the brutality of the capitol" he scratched his head uncomfortably "we saw what you guys are capable of and as for Leila well, rumor, from reliable source, says that she was trained by the capitol, some of us were curious, you know, to see it."
"What assholes you guys are" I chided him "you expected her to give you a lesson?"
"Well, in the beginning when she started going to the trainings, yeah. We thought she was there for that reason but as time went on we realized she wasn't, and well we got to know her, she was kind, a little weird but gentle, so no one dared to ask her anything" he finished apologetically. I wanted to judge him but I couldn't, my behavior with her had not been the most sincere. "I'm really sorry about what happened today, but who would blame her for doing something like that".
"some doctors don't think the same way"
"Fuck them! It takes a blind man not to see all the horrors you've been through. Truth be told, after hearing all the crap her dad said today, I wasn't at all surprised by Leila's reaction. I don't blame her for losing her mind, no one can blame any of you" he caressed my face with his injured arm, I slapped his hand away, Chase just laughed quietly.
"Anyway, I'm sure they'll come tomorrow and ask you to give a report on what happened. What do you plan to say?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"I don't know, that you stabbed yourself" I said without giving it a thought. Chase's expression changed to one of pain, putting a hand on his chest "where does it hurt?" I asked worried.
"Here!" he put my hand on his chest "right on my ego" I hit him again, this time harder on his good leg.
"stop being an idiot and be serious"
"Mason, do you know what you're asking of me? not only will I have to face the taunts of my squad for a barely five foot six girl almost sending me to the afterlife, but I'll have to say that I just got injured. why would I do something like that for you? are you going to offer me something in return?" I leaned over him, almost brushing our noses, smiling flirtatiously.
"What I'm offering you is not to rip your balls off in your sleep, how about that?" he burst out laughing. I backed away.
"All right, I'll do it. Maybe that'll win me some points with you."
"Dream on, soldier Woodstock" I said walking out of his room.
"So I will!" he yelled at me.
I went to my room to try to get some rest. I had promised Haymitch that I would go in the morning to be with Leila. Being with Chase and his constant harassment had managed to relax me a little. Maybe it wouldn't do any good what I had asked of him but at least they couldn't accuse her of hurting a soldier if he refused to blame her. With simple words and without knowing the story in depth, Chase had summed up everyone's thoughts, 'poor Leila'. What would I have done in her situation...I would never know, my family would never allow Snow to sell me out, even if it meant their deaths. I closed my eyes and remembered that day and that call from President Snow.
I hung up the phone and with a numb feeling all over my body I left the room and sat on the stairs by the door. I looked around me, this finely adorned house, with luxuries I never dreamed of, but had earned by killing children. Had I listened well, how could I refuse when my family's life was in danger? I had until tomorrow to give him an answer, maybe we would have time to escape, run away somewhere far from here. But no matter how hard I thought, I couldn't find any safe place. Taking refuge in another district was impossible. Running away from Panem, I don't know if we would make it, my brothers were young but at my parents' age it would be even more difficult, not to mention that the district was surrounded by peacekeepers.
"Why the sad face, kid?" I was startled when I heard my dad talking to me from the door.
"I'm not sad" I lied "I was just thinking about dinner. I heard mom say she was cooking spinach today," I grimaced.
"Johanna" he spoke to me in a firm tone "I wiped your ass until you were 5 years old, I know you well, don't lie" he looked at me seriously. Dad always used to remind us of the most embarrassing things he did for us every time he wanted us to talk to him truthfully.
"It's nothing important" I looked down.
"Rose!" shouted my dad calling my mom.
"What?!" she replied from the kitchen.
"Come here!" In a matter of seconds my mom was with us "apparently Johanna has decided to be a liar not only for the cameras but also for this family".
" dad" I grumbled
"What's wrong, Jojo?" my mom asked me. She sat next to me and hugged me.
"speak up, girl!"
"Does it have something to do with the phone call you received?" asked mom, I nodded.
"I can't tell you" I whispered
"Is it so bad that you can't trust us?"
"Mom, please" I pleaded, I felt my eyes fill with tears. My father squatted down in front of me and looked me straight in the eyes.
"There is nothing in this world that you can't tell us, Johanna. First and foremost we are your family and we love you, nothing is going to change that," Dad said. His words only managed to break me and I burst into tears.
"What is it that torments you, my sweetie?"
"It's horrible. I don't want you to get harmed" I sobbed "Snow wants me to be 'sold' to sponsors and other people in the capitol in exchange for not killing you" I blurted out, unable to hold back the tears.
"Did you answer him 'yes'?" dad asked. I shook my head
"I have until tomorrow to give him my answer but that doesn't matter. I plan to accept..."
"over my dead body! my daughter is not going to kneel down and suck some capitol's dick!" said father angrily "tomorrow you will firmly send him to fuck off, we Masons don't bow down, do we Rose?"
"your father is right Johanna, I would never forgive me if because of us you had to sacrifice yourself. They've had enough of you in those damn games."
"don't you understand! it's not just you, he also threatened Holston and Ridley. They're your children too, remember?"
"Jojo, the games have made you a whiner," Holston said. I didn't see him arrive next to Ridley. He was leaning against the opposite wall smiling with that arrogant charm that characterized my older brother, Ridley on the other hand, was standing with his arms crossed seriously. "How do you think I'm going to live peacefully knowing that my sister is the Capitol's newest whore? I agree with dad, I'd rather die than bend even more to the capitol."
"I can't..."
"It's not your decision, Jojo. Holston's right, and he's not supposed to be the smartest one in the family" Ridley joked, though the laughter didn't reach his eyes. Tears still streaming down my eyes, my mother squeezed me even tighter in her arms. I felt more arms on me, and saw us all wrapped in each other's arms, we were consoling each other for the horrible future that awaited us.
"That's enough whining, the decision has been made" Dad said firmly.
"daddy" I sobbed
"There is nothing more to discuss, young lady! when they take us to the slaughterhouse and the cameras turn on, I forbid you to cry, you will stare at it and with a smile you will tell them to go fuck themselves, do you understand me?" I didn't answer "this won't be the first time, Johanna. Years ago we saw it when that little boy from the 12th won, they hung his family. I still remember his screams, the screams of some children and the fear of the people. That alone was enough to make us even more afraid of them and now, I refused to give in, I have decided to die and it will be on my terms. Now, promise me, Johanna," the hard look he gave me was not open to discussion.
"I promise" I whispered
"Well, all cleared up and all said, get to work! winter is coming, and keeping this fancy shack warm, will take more than a couple of sticks of wood."
We talked no more. I accompanied Holston and Ridley into the woods to cut logs for the fireplace, silence had overtaken me and even though my brothers were trying to make small talk, I felt their gazes on me. Guilt was choking me, I avoided looking at them so they wouldn't see the tears filling my eyes. As we chopped a log into pieces with our axes, Holston with his typical cynicism began to joke about his death. He asked Ridley which he preferred, to be shot or to go to the gallows; for Holston it was better to hang at least a bullet would not destroy his 'beautiful face', this only made Ridley laugh, and they started an idiotic debate. I tried to laugh and go along with the joke, I didn't want to be the one to make this moment bitter for them but every stupid idea of death squeezed my heart. I refused to think about losing my family.
I cut the last piece of wood I had and began to pack all the logs of wood into the sacks we had brought.
"Do you get that smell, Rid? "Holston asked. I tried to feel the air but there was nothing special about it.
"Yeah, I smell it. You know mom doesn't like it when you bring that smell," Ridley replied with a smirk. What the hell are they talking about?
"Maybe I need a deodorant or something scented," Holston grinned wickedly. Right there I understood but it was too late. He reached up to grab me and with his huge arms he pulled my head against his stinky armpits and sweaty chest, and as soon as I managed to free myself he ran away from me. I grabbed a piece of wood from the ground and threw it in his direction missing my target. "You're getting slow, Jojo" he said laughing loudly and still running away. Behind me Ridley was cracking up laughing, I swiped my forearm across my face to get some of that filthy smell off me but my damn brother had cleaned up pretty good on me. I would get my revenge.
"Come on, Jojo. Drop that murderous face, you can't deny you were an easy target. So many years with us and still you don't learn" Ridley laughed.
"I'll wait for my chance and make him pay" I growled at him, but my false promises of revenge only made my brother laugh harder.
"Come on, stop the pouting. You take the small bag, I'll take the other one."
We started walking back home in comfortable silence. The sun was soon to set, the frosty air coming in with the night only backed up what Dad had said, winter would soon be here. Abruptly Ridley stopped walking, we still had a few minutes of walking left before we reached town.
"Are you okay?" I asked him.
"there's something I need to ask you, Johanna" . It was strange for him to use my full name unless it was something serious.
"anything"
"I have to tell you something that no one can know, not even dad. Promise me that what I'm going to tell you, you won't tell anyone no matter what?"
Surprised by that request and indebted as I felt to my family, I promised "I promise Ridley. what is it?"
"Silvy is pregnant" Silvy was Ridley's ex-girlfriend, they had been together for years but apparently shortly after my games started, she and my brother ended the relationship. Only a month later she married a neighbor, I know the breakup had to be pretty hard on my brother, especially since she restarted her life so quickly; her pregnancy wasn't new news to me, I had seen it, the baby was rumored to be due in the spring.
"I know, I think the whole town has seen her pretty fat" I said coldly, I was angry that stupid girl had played with Ridley's innocent feelings.
"Don't call her that" he replied angrily "it's mine".
"It's mine."
"What is it?"
"The child she's expecting is mine"
"She told you that?" I scoffed.
"Johanna, this is serious. The child she is expecting is mine. "he let out a tired sigh "She had suspicions by the time you were reaped, our suspicions were confirmed only a few days later by the town healer" I was left with my mouth hanging open.
"Then why did she leave you and go with someone else, everyone thinks that child is his."
He looked at me hesitantly debating against something "because it was the best thing for the baby" he replied sadly.
"I don't understand, what are you hiding?"
"It's not your fault, Jojo. I don't want you to feel that way" he excused himself but I still didn't understand "when you were reaped, and the games started I saw that you had a chance of getting out of there alive. But if that was the case, my son would be an easy target for the capitol. How many years would they let him live before he was reaped as well? You know it's quite common for family members of the victors to be reaped. Silvy understood that too, and the best way to protect him was for no one to link him to me. You know her current husband has always been behind her, it didn't take Silvy long to pass the son off as his" said Ridley with tears in his eyes. I felt my heart sink with guilt, none of this would be happening if I had died in that damn arena.
"Ridley I'm sorry..."
"It's not your fault. I'm happy you lived and I'm also at peace with the decision Silvy and I made, more so now knowing what Snow wants to do with you. I would never have wanted to choose between you and my son" the tears that I was holding back so much these last hours rolled down my cheeks again
"I should have died"
"Don't ever say that Johanna. Your life is very important to us, we love you and seeing you die would have killed us all" Ridley hugged me and I cried in his arms. I felt defeated and cornered with no way out.
Between sobs I managed to ask "so what did you want to ask me?"
He looked at me with sorrow "not to let them starve but also not to go near them" I nodded without saying anything else "do you see that old tree? Between its roots there is a place that is hollow. Every month I have left money there. Silvy knows it and comes to get it when no one is watching. When... when I'm gone, could you keep leaving money there?" he asked me in a broken voice "it doesn't have to be much, just enough so he never has to ask for tesserae" a tear rolled down his cheek, I wiped it away with my hand.
"I will, Ridley. I promise" he hugged me tightly.
"Promise me that you will never give up, Jojo? That when the time comes you will fight for this world to change, for a world where my son's life is not just entertainment for a few." he sobbed.
"I will."
We stayed hugging for a few more minutes, trying to calm the pain we both felt. Once we pulled ourselves together we went home, pretended everything was fine, joked as if death wasn't waiting for us around the corner. The time came and I took the call from President Snow. "I don't accept, you can go suck their dicks yourself" I answered to his offer, and without waiting for another word from him, I hung up the phone. The look of pride on my family's face when they heard me did not make up for the incredible fear that ran through me as I hung up that call.
One a winter day my prep team arrived to accompany me on my victory tour. Each day I lived it in an anguish that I disguised with sullenness and cynicism. I didn't know if when I returned home my family would still be alive or not. I did not meet any of the other victors, according to my escort they wanted all the attention to be focused on me but I knew that was bullshit. I finally returned home and to my surprise my family was still there, alive.
I deluded myself into thinking that Snow's threats were just that, threats. But one cold February morning a group of Peacekeepers burst into the house and took my family away. They held them in jail for a full week before taking them to the death row. They gathered us all there to witness their deaths. Through the corner of my eye I saw the cameras, I recomposed my expression and smiled. When they took my family to the podium where they would be killed, it was obvious that they had been beaten and tortured in these 7 days. They all walked up with a proud, haughty pose, unafraid of their impending death. I looked at Holston, he gave me a mischievous smile and winked at me. A few seconds later 4 shots rang out. They were dead. I clenched my fists but didn't change my expression, I wasn't going to give him that satisfaction.
Five days passed since they were killed. Five days since I was alone in this filthy shit house. Sometimes a fellow village victor would come to see me, I would never open the door for them. I wanted to be alone. Today was the end of the month and I remembered I had a promise to keep. I took enough money and put it in a bag and headed for the hollow tree.
A familiar scream made me quicken my steps. When I arrived, I was confronted with the most terrifying scene in my life; three peacekeepers were beating Silvy with their rattles. The blows were mainly aimed at her belly; she, in a fetal position, was trying to protect it. "Let her go!" I yelled as I ran in her direction, I reached to hit one of them but immediately three of them that I didn't see coming pinned me down. I fought, I screamed, I kicked, I pushed as hard as I could but to no avail. As soon as they were sure that mother and son were dead, they stopped hitting her.
The three monsters who had me trapped dragged me to the victors' village and imprisoned me in my own house. "Murderers!" "monsters!" "I will see to it that you pay for this" I screamed at them from behind the door slamming it with all my force. For the first time since they had killed my family, I cried. The last hope of having someone of my own blood alive had died, I was alone in this world. I had failed them, I had failed Ridley, it had all been in vain.
A noise at the door woke me from my lethargy of hours, days or maybe weeks. Blight was coming towards me with a plate of what I assumed was food, I crawled to the far corner of the room, like a wounded animal. "Get out!" I shouted at him.
He set the bowl of food down next to me "sometimes I think it's better not to have anyone, so they can't hurt us" he whispered sadly. "They are not going to let you die, one way or another they are going to force you to continue. Don't make it harder for yourself Johanna" he took a deep breath "There are different ways to fight, you know? we just have to be patient and wait for the right moment" without saying anything else he left. Something in his words reminded me of that promise I made to Ridley in the forest, 'when the time comes you will fight for this world to change, for a world where my son's life is not just entertainment for a few'. I could not allow the death of my loved ones to have been in vain. I would take revenge on Snow, sooner or later, but I would take revenge on him.
"Your kids are not going to survive, you are aware of that, aren't you?" said a masculine voice behind me startling me. I turned to find a beautiful boy with aquamarine eyes. I didn't remember his name but he had won the games 3 years ago. I wasn't scared of his threats, this was my first year as a mentor and I was invested in my job, I would make sure one of my kids came back alive.
"I'm not scared of your threats, asshole."
He smiled sadly at me "it's not a threat, it's a fact. What's more, I can bet that for the next few years the 7th won't stand a chance. Snow doesn't reward rebels."
A hint of alarm rang in my head at the mention of 'rebel' "I don't know what you mean."
"Give her a break, Finnick" said an old woman approaching us "Mags" the old woman introduced herself. Then she pulled me to her and hugged me "I'm so sorry, Johanna" she whispered in my ear. "Come on, young man. The parade is about to start" called Mags to Finnick.
Finnick, before following her, came cheekily close to my face "I heard a rumor that our president is very bothered by insolence" he laughed mischievously "and now that you have nothing to lose..." he shrugged leaving the sentence unfinished. With a wink and flirtatious smile, which reminded me of my brother, he walked away from me.
Back in the present, I tried to shake those bitter memories from my mind. How different my situation had been from Leila's, maybe my family was no longer in this world but I could never doubt the infinite love they had for me. If I had accepted Snow's offer, they would have suffered with me, they would have never profited from me. Slowly I finally felt myself falling asleep. It was a night full of nightmares different from the ones I used to have after my rescue. This night was filled with memories of my siblings, my parents, Silvy and that nephew who was never born.
When I finally decided I had had enough for tonight, I decided it was time to go and take Haymitch's place next to Leila. On my way I took a quick glance at Chase's room, he was snoring peacefully.
"Johanna!" I heard Finnick calling out to me.
"What are you doing up so early, Odair?"
"I could ask you the same question but you and I both know the answer" he answered me, barely smiling. The dark circles under his eyes told me that he had had a rough night too, and if I added to that the huge mark on his eye, which was taking on a purplish hue, he looked awful.
"I'm going to replace Haymitch."
"Do you want me to come with you?"
"I don't think that's a good idea. Haymitch has barely agreed to let me help him" he smiled sadly
"I guess you can say 'I told you so' now. You were right about the two of them" I shrugged, it didn't make me feel any better or worse to be right in this case "I wouldn't want to be in his place, you know? if Annie tried something like that, I'd die with her."
"she's not going to do it because she has you, Finnick. Heaven only knows what she sees in you" that made him half smile
"Maybe when Leila wakes up I can talk to her. You know, I could help her with something."
I let out a sigh "I don't think so. Not looking like that. You'll just make her feel guilty"
"But I don't blame her"
"It's not just that, Finnick. But also because of Mags, if she was important to Leila then in a way you are too. You know how she's going to feel knowing that she hurt the apple of Mags' eye? wait until you recover from that bruise and Haymitch calms down a bit; maybe you're right and it'll do her some good to talk to her."
"ok, I think it makes sense what you say but if I can help in any way, don't hesitate to tell me, the same goes for Haymitch" I nodded.
When I got to Leila's room, I found Haymitch resting his head on the bottom of the bed. I gently knocked on the door to alert him of my presence.
"It's still early Johanna, go and get some more rest" he replied without looking at me.
"I thought, if you were leaving soon, you'd be back soon" he fell silent "has there been any change tonight?" With a weary sigh he rose from his seat and approached me. Haymitch looked tired, with bloodshot eyes and sadness written all over him.
"No, the nurse said she would still be sedated for part of the day. At least then she'll get some rest" he said in disbelief.
"Then go get some rest too, Abbernathy. I won't leave her side until you return" he looked at Leila and shook his head "it's no use if you're exhausted and get sick. You can't take care of her if you're not well yourself Haymitch" I said softly.
"Johanna if..."
"At the slightest movement from her I'll have you called immediately. Go now" with a last sad look at Leila, Haymitch finally left.
I took his place next to Leila. She never seemed to me to look as young as she did at this moment. I remembered that first meeting with her, her cheerful and naive attitude. I think she was one of the few people who didn't get shocked when I said something out of place, she used to laugh at my cynical comments. I felt guilty for all the patience she had with me that I did not reciprocate. She wasn't a bad person, just another victim of the circumstances and Snow.