Author's note:

Heya, thanks for dropping by!

Just wanted to ask that you don't take the panicked ramblings of the MC all too seriously and not judge him too harshly. Do remember that he is your average Joe who's been thrust into an impossible situation with almost no combat experience.

That being said, enjoy!

(Bellamy POV)
Old man cricket warmed up real quick once I made it clear, that I wasn't after his gold and wasn't the bloodthirsty hyena the newspapers made me out to be. The bottle of wine helped too. Who knew Cricket was such a happy drunk?

The rest of the crew also warmed up to him...eventually. I did have to grease the wheels with copious amounts of alcohol and clap Sarquiss over the head when he started challenging the "washed out old guy" to a fight. Though after they had an arm wrestling tournament, which Cricket won handily mind you, they suddenly became best buds. It's ironic if you consider canon, but Sarquiss is the type of guy who respects strength. It's also why he follows my lead but as long as no one embarrasses him, he's fine.

"Buhahahahaha, drink up youngin!"

"You too, old geezer!"

The last three days were spent in a frenzy, doing everything we could to prepare for the trip. Most of us were assigned to retrofitting my ship, the New Witch's Tongue, under the guidance of Cricket and his two adopted monkeys. Sons. Monkeys…monkey sons.

"Chug it, Masira! Don't let her beat you!"

"Mani, drink that monkey under the table!"

"Nami-Swan! I love you!"

I'm very happy with how she turned out and she's definitely far better prepared than the Going Merry ever was in the original timeline. For one, my ship was bigger and built to grandline specifications. It was a rare find in the North Blue, which was also precisely the reason the original Bellamy commandeered her from the local merchants.

Second, my ship was currently way less damaged than the Going Merry was. For all their strong points, taking good care of their ship was not something the Strawhats particularly excelled at. I'd say that it was a small miracle that they hadn't already sunk prior to Skypiea but that's plot armour for you.

Finally, we had more hands working for much longer to retrofit my ship, meaning bigger wings and coverings.

"Give me anusher drink, shiffead! Many dishheads…"

"You've had enough Lily. You're drunk."

"Heim not drunk. Sheee? Oh, two Muretsh! Come…zzzzzz"

Food is well stocked, cargo is fastened and we even ran through some simulations for the real thing.

"Muret, was that a sedative?"

"Made it myself. You want one?"

Those not working on the ship were told to run through combat drills and I even got old man Cricket to supervise a couple of times. This applied mostly to Ross and Lily, our two main brawlers. Not sure how much help it'll be, considering the very short time frame we were working with, but it's got to be better than nothing.

"I'm the greater eater, Ross! I'm rubber!"

"I am the north blue champion eater! I can outeat you anyday!"

"You're both disgusting, that's what you are!"

Of course, we also met the Straw Hats, whose captain was currently engaged in a battle of wills and stomachs with Ross.

Our meeting was very anti-climactic. We weren't at the bar when they showed up and so naturally we couldn't ridicule them there. Instead, the Strawhats found us working on the New Witch's Tongue and Luffy being the curious kid he is, asked us what we were doing to our ship. One lengthy explanation later, he summarized it as us building a flying ship. We didn't bother correcting him.

Then he decided that he wanted one too as he "wanted to visit sky island." I immediately offered to help fix up his ship and travel together. After all, if I'm in the same group as the main character, my chances of death and dismemberment should plummet, right?

"Oh my, maybe they'll swallow a sharp bone fragment which will puncture the stomach, leading to severe peritonitis, sepsis and death."

"Stop saying such scary things, Robin!"

"I swallowed a bone! Chopper, help!"

"We need a doctor! We need a doctor! Oh right, I'm the doctor."

What did I do? I spent as much time as I could getting into shape. This was Bellamy's body, not mine. Bellamy's fighting style, not mine. So, I ran up and down the island, fighting every bug and beast I came across, mostly to get used to punching moving things and figuring out the finer points of motor control. For strength training, I started off lightly by punching down trees and ended my three-day marathon by carving out a respectable dent into the side of a giant boulder I found.

That first fight at Mock Town had also helped me overcome my internal aversion to fighting. You could say, that it sped up the process in accepting my current circumstances. The looming threat of an untouchable monster with a god complex the size of Jupiter also helped provide motivation.

"Is that one of the 21 great grade swords? Can I have it?"

"I'll cut you!"

I still didn't have a decent plan on what to do about Enel. I had considered getting some rubber gloves and I eventually did purchase a pair from the barkeep in town. But while they may protect my hands from Enel's attacks and hence myself from his ranged lightning bolts, they would do nothing to help me overcome Enel' intangibility.

I don't buy the explanation that rubber can touch Enel. If it's the insulating properties of rubber which allowed Luffy to punch the asshole in the face, it should threotically work for every other insulator…wood, rocks and rubber gloves. Heck, the lead bullets are poor conductors so by that logic, they should have had some effect on him. At the very least they should sap his endurance, but as the Shandies found out or were going to find out, their projectiles did absolutely nothing.

"Mademoiselle, please accept this poor offering from your humble servant. Parmesan panna cotta amuse-bouche."

"Oh, why thank you. That's so sweet."

"Mani-zwan! My heart!"

"Let go of me, longnose! I'm shooting that jerk!"

From what I know, there are four ways, well three realistic ways one can deal with a logia. One, use an element countering theirs against them. In my case, that would be my rubber gloves but I don't have much faith they'll work.

Two, use seastone or haki. I have access to neither so that option can be thrown out the window.

Three, put them in a stressful situation such that they don't have the mental capacity to transform into their element. It likely requires enormous self-awareness in order to keep hold of your body in an intangible state. Of course, it probably gets better with practice, but you can't tell me you can subconsciously transform part of your body into a cloud of electrons without some mental load involved.

And four, trap them in some sort of container, but unless the logia is an idiot like Caribou, this option is not likely to work.

"Stop embarrassing yourself, curly brows."

"What was that, mosshead?"

"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!"

Personally, I consider option three my best bet. Enel does not have strong willpower, regardless of his use of haki. Asshole is a baby with a big gun. He's never been seriously hurt nor even been in danger thanks to his devil fruit and he's likely never had a proper challenge.

If I had conqueror's haki, it would be an instant game over. Why do the D's get all the good stuff?

Maybe if I break the Ark Maxim? After all, it's the culmination of all of Enel's plans and his prize possession he had spent years working on. Breaking it might anger him enough that he short-circuits momentarily like Big Mom did when the Strawhats broke that prized picture during the wedding.

"Ugh, I can't eat anymore…blegh!"

"I don't feel so good. Urgh…blegh."

"Don't puke on my carpet, you punks!"

Actually, doesn't that lead credence to the hypothesis that devil fruit powers need to be manually activated? Ergo, if you can't think, you can't use your devil fruit.

"You're such a cute reindeer!"

"Shut up~~~You liking me doesn't~~~make me happy at all~~~"

I think Crocodile mentioned that he trained his logia powers to react on reflex, even when he's asleep. But…Enel isn't Crocodile. I'll bet you anything you like that he hasn't trained himself to that degree.

"I love reading too! Want to exchange books sometime?"

"Why, I'd love to Muret-san."

The problem is his haki. If I'm not mistaken, he can't keep it on indefinitely because Haki runs out and needs to recharge. Sadly, I can't rely on that to win me the fight and I have a snowball's chance in hell to reach him when he's sleeping in his little temple.

I need to surprise him. Break the Ark Maxim and shake him to his very core.

I can break rocks. I can break a ship. I don't even need to break the whole thing, just the engine so it can't fly.

"Fight me, devil child!"

"Tres fleur…tickle!"

"Wahahahaha...stop tickling me! I give I give!"

It's not a good plan. But it's the best plan I've got.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.

(Hewitt POV)
Today's the day. Death or glory. In just under an hour, they're going to be travelling to the sky. The guys back home would never believe this and he knows, that regardless of the outcome today, Hewitt's world will never be the same afterwards.

But world changing experiences or not, there are hangover cures to make. That new cook, Sanji is a weird name by the way, made a real mean soup. In fact, it was so delicious, that he saw his dear old mum again.

"Needs salt."

"You think? Maybe you're right, it could use a little more to give it a small kick."

It took him a while to notice that he wasn't jealous. And despite the smartly dressed chef's skills in the kitchen and popularity with the ladies.

Hewitt was a jealous person; he was honest enough to admit it. He didn't like it when others were better than him. It's part of why he fought with Ross so often...both of them were prideful young men in their prime, serving vital roles for the ship's crew. Him as the cook, keeping them healthy and fed. Ross as the sailmaker, making sure that they didn't end up drifting aimlessly on the ocean. And both of them were about evenly matched, combat wise, though Ross was slightly weaker than him.

After all, the score stood at 44-43 for him as of yesterday.

"Are the drinks ready?"

But that jealousy didn't extend to all members of the crew. Muret was muret. She was smart, far smarter than he was but that was ok. He was stronger than her. Lily was stronger than him but he was smarter than her. It balanced out.

Sarquiss on the other hand? Oh, very much jealous. No, not of his looks, Hewitt knew he was far better looking. Sarquiss just looked swarmy. Plus, he only wore that ridiculous fur coat on top unlike him with his nice crisp shirt.

"Just need to squeeze in a few more limes and they're done."

But Sarquiss was faster and stronger than him. More famous too. But that was fine…for now. Jealously made him strong. It fueled him, driving him to ever greater heights.

He'd trained day and night to catch up to the obnoxious git and Hewitt was certain that he was close. So close he could almost taste it.

"How's the soup now?"

"Perfect! Good job, Hewitt."

Sanji was a whole different kettle of fish. It was the same principle as to why Hewitt wasn't jealous of his captain. After all, you're only jealous of those who are within reasonable reach. A fish may be jealous of another's pretty scales but no fish is jealous of a great whale.

No, those are objects of admiration. Goals to aspire towards.

Sanji was a genius, there simply was no other way to describe him. When he cooked, he danced. Creating a beautiful melody of vegetables and meats, supported by the steady base of pepper and salt and with exquisite accents of spices. All brought into harmony by his masterful knifework.

Hewitt's hangover juice paled in comparison. Like a firefly before the sun. There was no jealousy, for such petty feelings were cleansed by the angelic song the soup summoned in his soul.

It was all Hewitt could do not to cry.

Instead, he did the only thing he could. He bowed.

"Please teach me, young master!"

(Ross POV)
It's the biggest whirlpool Ross has seen since he set sail. Revise that. It's the biggest whirlpool Ross has seen period. And they were sailing straight towards it. He can feel cold sweat running down his back. It's difficult to breathe and it almost feels like someone is slowly crushing his heart.

Damn, why did he agree to this again?

"Scared, Ross?" the annoyance asks, as if his own knees aren't trembling.

"You wish." Of course he's scared. The captain is a freak, which is why he isn't affected by the sight of looming death. But Ross is just a man.

"Don't wet your pants, Ross. You've only got that pair."

"Worry about yourself, Hewitt. If you're legs vibrate any stronger, you'll break them."

He misses home, not that he'll ever admit it. His Aunt and Uncle, and even his annoying cousins who kept stealing his hat. Always thought he'd get to see them again someday. He had it all planned out, you know? He'd get rich and strong and famous before returning home with a triumphant parade. He'd show off his new wealth to his family and buy the farm off of that rich fucker they were renting it from. Then maybe, Ross would stop being afraid of him. Of how the man could snap his fingers and force Ross' family to starve. Afraid that he'll be beaten for running away from his royal highness's pet dog.

"That's a big fish."

"Think it'll taste good?"

He hates dogs. He still has the scars, but he hides them behind the bravado, wearing an open coat like Sarquiss and long pants to hide the bite marks on his thigh.

They whisper behind his back, he's sure. Why doesn't Ross shower with us, they'll say. What does he have to hide, they'll say. Nothing but his scars. And the scared child within.

It's why he joined Bellamy. Bellamy wasn't afraid of anything. People were scared of him.

"It's yellow. Those are usually poisonous."

"What would you know of cooking? You're just the sailmaker."

"And when have you cooked a sea king, huh?"

The tow lines are cut and they're off. Slowly sailing in circles around the edges of the whirpool, speeding quickly past the point of no return. Ross spares a glance at Bellamy, but his captain is just standing tall and proud at the prow of the ship, arms crossed and his trademark grin shining for all the world to see.

He admired Bellamy, really, including his ability to face any danger head on and smile. The best Ross can manage is a scowl. Not sure what to direct it at, Ross settles for Eddy, who is frozen stiff like the rest of them. Right now, he doesn't seem all that reliable, but he's the navigator and it's his job to steer them through this alive. Ross can only hope that Eddy won't let them down now, not after guiding them successfully past the first half of Paradise.

The Strawhats are the first ones to go over the edge. The New Witch's Tongue follows soon after. What follows are several long seconds of weightlessness as Ross' heart shoots up into his throat.

Then they land at the bottom. No, they're level with the rest of the sea. What is going on?

"Where'd the whirlpool go?"

"Beats me. Maybe it's over?"

Fat chance of that happening. Not with his luck. He can feel it in his gut, the worst is still to come.

"No, it isn't over. It has just begun." Eddy shouts, his voice cracking. "Everybody hold on to something!"

It's a secondary precaution. They are already tied to the ship via the strongest ropes they had, captain's orders. But it is reassuring to feel the solid oak railing beneath his hands. Was he a masochist for not going into the hold? Why was he even up here?

"HOLD IT!" a voice calls out. It's booming and rough and thoroughly unpleasant.

What is that? That looks like…

"Captain, giant raft to starboard, half a mile out!"

Who uses a raft to sail the grandline? How will they carry enough provisions and keep them safe from the wind and rain? Are they not afraid?

Are those cannons set within the logs? Why? Surely those logs aren't hollow.

"I'VE CAUGHT UP TO YOU, STRAW HAT LUFFY!"

Relief floods through him when it becomes clear that it's not them that unknown guy is after. The unknown is dangerous and it was usually best to stay away. On the other hand, why was he chasing Straw Hat? He was just some small fry, with a mere thirty million bounty.

"I'M HERE TO COLLECT ON YOUR 100 MILLION BOUNTY! PREPARE YOURSELF!"

…what?

(Bellamy POV)
Blackbeard appeared, just like in canon. I had been hoping to avoid that guy like the plague but at least he was focused on Luffy and not me. He's too late though, the sea is already rumbling.

My crew though, are seemingly stuck between disbelief that the idiot who entered an eating competition with Ross is worth double of what I am, or fear because they drew penis pictures on the face of a sleeping man worth a hundred million.

The column of seawater begins to rise, torrents of water carrying Blackbeard's raft away from us and us away from him, making that one less problem to worry about. Which leaves only another hundred or so and it's making my gut go crazy, making me feel like I've swallowed a swarm of butterflies.

"Here it comes! All crew, get ready and hold fast!" I'm proud of how my voice did not break. It's probably my greatest achievement to date.

"The ship…it's going up!" Mani exclaims, giggling like a madwoman.

Muret is more composed. "Goodbye world. I shall miss you." Or maybe not.

The next minute will either prove that I'm fated to be more than a minor side character or my story will end.

The slow increase in height pauses after a hundred meters. The calm before the storm.

"Lily, if I don't survive, I want you to know I love you!"

"Shithead! We're not going die! We're not going to die!"

I hate rollercoasters. I always have.

KAWOOOOSH!

My world turns sideways.