Chapter 5
Uijeongbu Korea; September 14th, 1951
Ellie Marie walked out of the lab and rubbed her eyes. She'd been doing x-rays for 3 straight hours and the early afternoon sunlight stung. She headed towards the door to the compound, stomach growling for some lunch, when Colonel Potter came through it from the other side.
"Oh, hello Captain." He said, "I was just coming to get an update on that boy who's leg I worked on yesterday."
"Everything looks good Colonel." She said, "We just did his x-ray an hour ago. The pins haven't shifted and the wound looks clean. So far so good."
"Excellent." The Colonel said happily. He turned to walk out but then paused, looking back at her.
"Say you wouldn't happen to know anything about why our resident squirrel is acting a bit nuttier than usual would you?" He asked.
"Max?" She questioned, "No. He hasn't mentioned anything, and if he's planning on trying a new scheme I usually hear about it. Why is being extra crazy today? New dress or something?"
"Worse." Colonel Potter said, "He acting all gung-ho regular army. Doing everything by the book, even asked for extra time before lunch to get in a little drill practice."
"Oh that cannot be good." Ellie Marie said, shaking her head.
"My sentiments exactly." The Colonel agreed.
--
"Do I even want to know what this is?" Ellie Marie asked, as she made her way down the chow line a few minutes later and Igor, the Corporal usually assigned to K.P. duty spooned a large amount of brownish gray mush onto her plate.
"Cook says it's chicken pot pie." Igor said.
"Which part is supposed to be the chicken?"
"Honestly Captain, I've learned it's probably best if you just don't ask too many questions."
"Lovely." Ellie Marie said, grabbing several extra rolls and pats of butter, before she sat down.
She found a place across from Father Mulcahy and gave the mush one more tenuous push with her fork before beginning to butter the first of her five rolls.
"I see you've opted for our daily bread over, whatever this is." the Father commented.
"I'm from Pennsylvania Father, if need be I could survive for weeks on bread and butter. That being said, a fresh vegetable around here once in a while would be a nice change of pace."
"You know if you're open to trying new things, fresh food isn't actually all that hard to come by." He pointed out, "I have an arrangement with one of the farmers in the local village. I pay him for any of his fresh produce that doesn't sell when he goes to market. If you like I could cut you in. It's a lot of rice and cabbage because those grow well here, but he often has things such as sweet potatoes and carrots as well."
"That sounds amazing Father!" Ellie Marie answered, "I'd love to meet him."
"Then I'd be happy to arrange it."
As Ellie Marie began buttering her second roll, a thought suddenly occurred to her.
"Father, I don't think I've ever heard you called by your first name." She said, "I know it's probably not a common thing, being that we all mostly call you Father. But it seems strange to have known you for two months, and not even know what it is." He chuckled.
"Very common indeed with we men of the cloth." He agreed, "We are uniquely defined by our occupation in that way. It's Francis. Francis John Patrick Mulcahy actually, but when I was a boy, I mostly went by Johnny."
"Johnny." She said, mulling over the name as she tried to tie it to the man in front of her, "I like it. It suits you."
"Well..l always thought so." He agreed.
"May I join you?" Asked Major Houlihan.
"Of course!" Said Father Mulcahy, who scooted over so she could sit beside him.
"I just wanted to pay you the money I owe you Father." She said.
"Thanks," he replied as she handed him the bills, "and God Bless you for an honest woman." He counted the money.
"Oh, uh...don't you owe me another 10? He asked.
"No."
"Oh sorry. They were stuck together." He said.
Margaret and Ellie Marie shared a quick look before Ellie Marie returned to her rolls.
"Ah, shearing the sheep again Father?" Said Hawkeye, as all three members of the Swamp came and joined them at their table.
"Yes." Margaret replied, "and I was one of the lambs! He clipped me for 23 bucks!"
"As a matter of fact," The Father countered, "She was holding a straight and tried to sandbag me! I had a full house. But it's all worthwhile, mind you. It's for the children's Christmas fund."
"I can see it now." Hawkeye teased, "Father Mulcahy, bishop of Vegas. Oh, hi. Colonel!" Colonel Potter had just walked up to the table holding a piece of paper and wearing a bemused expression on his face.
"Hello Colonel," Charles echoed.
"You'll never believe what I'm going to tell you." Colonel Potter said.
"Then why listen?" Quipped Hawkeye, turning back to the Father, "now where were we?"
"Pierce sometimes you can be very amusing. And then there's now." Colonel Potter said flatly.
"Ah. Sorry." Hawkeye mumbled.
"I have an order from Headquarters." The Colonel held up the paper in his hand, "to give an entrance exam for West Point to-you ready for this? Corporal Max Klinger."
The entire table burst into laughter and Ellie Marie's jaw dropped.
"You're right I don't believe it." Said Hawkeye,
"That's impossible!" Said B.J. still chuckling.
"God works in mysterious ways but this is a corker." mumbled Father Mucahy, smirking.
"By special messenger yet!" Said the Colonel, who was still shaking his head and laughing.
"Obviously, some Toledo politician has gone wacko." Charles surmised.
"Ah how time flies." Hawkeye sighed nostalgically, throwing an arm around Ellie Marie's shoulder, "One day our little brown-eyed girl is running around in a big floppy hat and a beard. And the next she's off to West Point."
"You have to admit this one is a stroke of genius though." Ellie Marie said to Colonel Potter.
"Without a doubt!" He agreed, "I can't believe that brilliant screwball finally did it. He's getting out of the service by joining the Army."
"To think that looney bird will be attending the same school that produced MacArthur, and my Donald! Makes me want to wretch!" Margaret grumbled.
"Hey!" Ellie Marie bristled defensively but Hawkeye got there first.
"Yeah. How could Klinger choose a place like that?" He shot back.
Margaret opened her mouth with a rebuttal, but was cut off when the doors of the mess slammed open, and Klinger came marching in, wearing a full dress uniform.
"There's old nose and guts now." Colonel Potter muttered, "Oh field Marshal?"
"Sir, you wanted me sir!" Said Klinger, standing at attention in front of him, and saluting.
"Your application to be tested for West Point has been green-lighted."
"Excellent sir! A plebe at last sir. When do I leave sir!?"
"As soon as you knock off the sirs and pass the test." Colonel Potter said with a sigh.
"Child's play for a cadet." Klinger said confidently.
"Congratulations my boy." Father Mulcahy said.
"Thanks Father," Klinger responded, breaking formation long enough to shoot him a smile.
"Klinger, how did you pull it off?" Colonel Potter asked.
"My Uncle Gus sir."
"Oh of course it wasâ.." muttered Ellie Marie under her breath. She'd heard endless stories about the famed Uncle Gus.
"Is that the uncle that got out of World War I as your Aunt Gussie?" Hawkeye asked.
"Yes sir." Said Klinger, shooting him a wink. "He's uh. "good buddies" with a certain congressman."
"And catered the St. Valentine's Day massacre." Muttered B.J.
"He's a biggy sir," Klinger confirmed.
"Connections."grumbled Margaret, "Why is it always connections?"
"So, my Uncle Gus calls a congressman. Congressman calls the Pentagon."
"And voila! The debutante with the hairy legs becomes a cadet!" Hawkeye finished.
"All right, Klinger. Go get ready for the exam." Said the Colonel. "Dismissed."
"Yes sir! Thank you sir! I think we have wonderful chance of beating Navy this year sir!"
"More than dismissed!" The Colonel snapped, and Klinger saluted him again before marching back the way he came.
"So you really had no idea he was cooking this up?" The Colonel said, turning back to Ellie Marie .
"Nope." She said, shaking her head, "I guess he kept this one pretty close to the chest."
"Gotta say, I'd have thought my horse had a better chance of getting into West Point."
"On looks alone." Hawkeye quipped,
"Probably figures it's easier to get thrown out of West Point than Korea." B.J. pointed out, " I bet the first exam they give him, he cheats. They catch him, throw him out, he's free."
"He's not there yet." Colonel Potter said, "They don't let in any Tom, Dick and Mary."
"Imagine..a chance to go to the point." Margaret said wistfully.
"Keep your hopes up. Maybe someday they'll let in women." Said B.J.
"Oh wouldn't that be wonderful?" She replied.
"Oh yeah, it would give a whole new meaning to "lights out." Hawkeye said.
An hour later Ellie Marie was sitting back in the lab, looking at cultures under the microscope and filling out reports when she heard a knock on the door.
"Come in." she said vaguely. Klinger poked his head in and looked around.
"You in here alone?" He asked. She nodded and he came inside, shutting the door.
"I just need a five minute break from playing super soldier. I don't know how McArthur does it all the time, it's exhausting. Alright if I hang out in here with you?"
"No, I'm mad at you." She said grumpily.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah." She said, spinning in her chair and crossing her arms, "how dare you enact a plan that is most likely going to be successful without telling me? You let me get blindsided with the rest of those goons!"
"I know I'm sorry!" He said immediately, crossing the room to where she was sitting, "I didn't mean for it to go down like that, honest. I came up with the scheme months ago, before you ever got here and to tell you the truth I kinda forgot about. Then I got a letter from my Uncle Gus this morning saying everything was in place so I had to jump into cadet mode as quick as I could. I wanted to tell you, there just wasn't time."
"Alright I guess I'll forgive you for that part." she conceded. "The actually leaving and abandoning me with these jackals? That I'm not so sure about. We had a perfectly good arrangement, you and I. You would concoct hair brained schemes that never went anywhere, and I backed them 100 percent. You weren't supposed to actually figure out how to leave."
"G..." He sighed, putting a hand on her shoulder.
"I know! I know!" She said sulkily, turning back to her work.
"Gotta say, you do look sharp in the uniform though." She added. "Laverne is gonna be all over you when she sees you in that get up."
"Are you kidding? As soon as they kick me out of school, my first order of business is gonna be to burn this thing." He said.
"How long do you think that'll take?" She asked.
"If I play my cards right I'm thinking two weeks tops." He said.
"I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do for fun around here if you leave, you know." She pointed out.
"You'll be fine. You still have Radar, and B.J. and Hawkeye."
"Yeah, but they aren't you." She said, and he met her gaze with a somewhat conflicted look.
"I know." He said, "It's weird. As much as I really do love everybody around here, when I sent that letter to my Uncle Gus I remember thinking, there wasn't one person or thing in this entire crummy country that I'd be sad to leave. Then you had to show up and shoot that right to hell."
"Happy to oblige." She said with a smirk. "By the way. Aren't you supposed to be taking an entrance exam right now?"
"Colonel pushed it back to 1500 hours, he has to deal with all the money changing drama."
"Ugh, I cannot for the life of me understand why the Army changes it's scrip so much. Red, Blue, what's the difference? Sometimes I think Headquarters just gets bored and decides to shake things up for fun."
"I wouldn't bet against it." He agreed.
"So you think you're ready? For the test I mean." She asked.
"Eh...how hard could it be?" He said nonchalantly, "it's a test to get into an Army school. I've already been in the Army for almost a year and a half. I figure anything beyond the basics gets taught after you get accepted right?"
"If you say so..." Ellie Marie said, "by the way it's 14:50."
"Guess I should be heading out then." He said.
"Hey if you pass, don't leave without saying goodbye."
"Like that would happen..." He answered, "and anyway you gotta stop talking this is the last time we'll ever see each other. I'm gonna write you all the time, and as soon as you're back I expect to see you making a trip to Toledo."
"Oh yeah I'm sure your wife is going to be just fine with you sending constant letters to the nurse you met in Korea and inviting her to visit." Ellie Marie said, rolling her eyes.
"She's gonna have to be." Klinger replied, "because there's no chance I'm ditching the best friend I ever made in this place."
"Awww shucks." She said, blushing slightly, "get on out of here."
Klinger winked at her before leaving the room. She did the last few slides and packed up her things. The money exchange was set to start at exactly 1600 hours and she wanted to get a good place in line. As she crossed the compound she noticed an argument transpiring in the Swamp. She caught the tail end as she walked by.
"Yeah, he wouldn't take your money if you got down on your hands and knees!" Said B.J.
"Wait a minute not so fast. Try me." Hawkeye added. The door swung open.
"I will see you later at the exchange Pierce," said Charles from the doorway, "that is of course, if you can find it." He walked away looking very smug, and Hawkeye and B.J. appeared in the doorway behind him, glaring at his back.
"A fool and his money hath just departed." B.J. said.
"What am I gonna do?" said Hawkeye, "I can't beg, I can't borrow, I can't catch the guy who knows how to steal!"
"Not to butt in..." Ellie Marie said, "but is everything ok? I'm pretty sure I just heard you trying to convince Charles to lend you money and that level of desperation is...concerning to say the least."
"You know Boone? The patient in Post Op with the leg?" Hawkeye said.
"Yeahâ" She answered.
"Well he had 400 bucks in cash that his M.P. buddy was supposed to trade in for him. The two of us kinda recruited the M.P. For a little side project."
"What kind of side project?" She asked.
"Not relevant to the story." Hawkeye said.
"The less you know the better." B.J. confirmed.
"So anyway, since his buddy was out of commission I told Boone I'd trade in his money. Then there was a fight in the mess tent this morning, and in the scuffle. Someone stole it."
"You lost 400 dollars of a patient's money?" Ellie Marie gasped.
"A little louder, I don't think they heard you at the 8063rd." Hawkeye snapped, looking around quickly.
"Well, what are you going to do?" She asked more quietly.
"You should take a page out of Charles' bookâ." B.J. said dryly, "Just give the patient a bill for 400 dollars and call the whole thing even."
"I'm just going to have to go in there and tell Boone the truth. I'd better go alone. There's no sense in his beating up the both of us." Hawkeye said. B.J. gave him an encouraging pat on the shoulder and he walked towards Post Op.
"Attention all personnel." Came a voice over the P.A., "this is a reminder that the exchange of scrip will begin at 1530 hours. Bring your cash before it turns to trash."
"Uh oh " Said B.J., "looks like things didn't go so well for the cadet."
Ellie Marie looked up and saw that Klinger had just come storming out of the main building. He ripped off his tie, throwing it down and then pulled off the hat of his dress uniform and threw it on the ground as well stomping on it a few times for good measure before walking around the side of the building.
"What time is it?" She asked.
"15:20." He answered.
"Eesh. That's not good." She said, "Hey could you take my money and hold my place in line? I wanna go check on him."
"After the debacle you just witnessed with Hawkeye you're really going to hand your money over to someone else?" He questioned.
"You've got a much more trustworthy face than he does." She teased, "Besides, it's only 75 bucks."
She handed him the cash and walked in the direction Klinger had headed. She found him on the back side of the O.R. He was on the small hill that looked down over the dry creek bed behind camp. He was sitting with his arms propped against his knees, his dress shirt unbuttoned, and a cigar clamped in his teeth. She walked over and sat down next to him.
"That bad huh?" She said, and he shook his head.
"I didn't answer a single question right." He said bitterly.
"What happened?" She asked.
"What happened is that I'm an idiot. I thought they were gonna be questions about the army! But it was all this stuff like, Mary's mother needed 3 cans of beans but she could only carry two, and describe the political ramifications of Waterloo. What hell does Mary's beans and a war fought a hundred years ago have to do with my ability to be a good soldier?"
"Aw..Max I'm sorry. That's a tough break." Ellie Marie said sympathetically.
'"It is what it is." He sighed, "as soon as I saw the first question I knew I was doomed. Shoulda thought it through more from the beginning. Of course a big fancy school like that would make you take a smarts test to get in. That's why they're so exclusive and only big brained people like you and Major Winchester go there. They wanna make sure they weed out all the dunces like me."
"Max!" Ellie Marie said, leaning forward so she could see his face, "tell me you don't really think that. That you're stupid?"
"Of course I think that." He said. "It's not me feeling sorry for myself or anything like that, it's just the truth. I was always garbage at school. Almost flunked out twice, was held back twice. No one even talked about me going to college like my sister. I've never been a book guy, and I'm ok with that."
"That may be true. But there's a big difference between not being a book guy and being stupid." Ellie Marie countered.
"If you say so." He said with a shrug.
"Hey!" She was getting annoyed that she seemed to care about this more than he did, "Now you listen to me. The fact that you even concocted this crazy plan in the first place is evidence of how not stupid you are. Not to mention when you were first put in school you didn't even speak English. You basically had to learn everything on the fly right?"
"Yeah..."
"And tell me, who else around here knows exactly which palms to grease to get those little shortbread cookies I like added to our supply order when it leaves Seoul? Or which kind of booze to bring Rosie if you want access to the secret floating craps game that happens every month? Or the fact that if you slip Igor a few cigarettes, he'll set aside the best pork chops for you. Street smarts are still smarts Max. You aren't anywhere close to stupid. Charles Winchester might be able to quote Shakespeare and sing La Boeme, but he has the social awareness and intuitiveness of a drunk water buffalo." Klinger laughed.
"He wouldn't last two minutes in a down and dirty real world situation when the pressure was on."
"You know you're not wrong." Klinger admitted.
"I know I'm not." She said.
"Hey ...thanks for putting up with all my craziness by the way." He added.
"What are best friends for?" She replied with a smile. "Anyway like I said before. Things would be entirely too boring around here without you."
"Well it looks like I'll be sticking around to entertain you for the foreseeable future." He said with another sigh.
She threw an arm around his shoulders and plucked the cigar from his mouth, taking a long drag from it and blowing the smoke into the gently drifting breeze.
"You know you could always try the Navy." She suggested, and he laughed again.
"Yeah that would be a sight. The desert dweller out in the middle of the ocean."
There was a loud crackle through the P.A. system and they both looked up.
"Attention all personnel. Well, uh not all personnel. This is Father Mulcahy, addressing the one personnel who stole the money entrusted to Captain Pierce. You may think you've reaped a profit by this act, but as ye sow, so shall ye reap! Robbery itself is a sin, but robbery of your comrades in arms is an abomination before the Lord. And a really dirty trick!"
"That should do it Father..." came Hawkeye's voice.
"Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord! Oh ye brood of vipers!" The father continued.
"I think that did it." Cut in Hawkeye.
"And he who has blasphemed against the Holy Spirit, better that man had never been born!"
"Well we're a little late, so goodnight folks!" Hawkeye said, and the P.A. clicked off.
"Remind me never to get on the Padre's bad side." Klinger said, "an abomination to the Lord? Holy Toledo..."
"Yeah. and I'm pretty sure I've blasphemed a time or two in my day." Ellie Marie added.
"Well you're not a man, so it's probably still ok that you were born." Klinger teased, and she nudged his shoulder with hers.
"You coming to the exchange?" She asked.
"Nah, I'm skint until payday. Lost my last few bucks in a bar bet last night." He said, "But I'll find ya later."
She stood and brushed the dried grass from her pants, and handed him back the cigar.
"Ellie Marie..." he said, looking up at her, "thanks again."
"Anytime Freddie." She said with a wink, before walking off.
--
"Hey no butting in!" Complained Sergeant Zale, as Ellie Marie took her spot next to B.J. in line.
"Look Zale..." she responded, "he's got my money. So either I'm gonna go stand over there and wait for him to exchange it for me, or I'm gonna stand here next to him and do it myself. Either way I'm getting my money before you, so just shut up about it." He glared at her but didn't argue back.
"So how's our little engine that couldn't?" B.J. asked.
"Better than expected." She said, "he's a little down but I think he'll be ok."
"Well, I got 45 bucks of my own, at least I can give Boone a down payment." Hawkeye said as he left the exchange table and B.J. stepped up.
"It's better than nothing." Ellie Marie agreed, as they stepped away from the line.
"Cheer up." B.J. Said, walking over to them and divvying out her share of money from the stack in his hands, "You're no worse off than Charles."
"I hope that's one crook we've caught." Hawkeye said.
"Attention all personnel. This is a reminder that while the scrip exchange is in progress, no one is permitted to enter or leave the compound." The voice called over the P.A.
"You guys still not going to tell me what's going on with him?" She asked, as they walked towards the Swamp.
"Let's just say the Blue Bloods of Boston society may need to come up with their own word for shyster, when he gets back." Hawkeye said.
"Halt!" Came a shout from behind them.
They turned to see Klinger dressed in a pristine white Navy uniform with a gun leveled at Charles, who looked as if he'd been dipped in manure. Ellie Marie momentarily marveled at where in the world he could have gotten it so quickly.
"Halt? What do you mean halt?" Charles snapped.
"Halt, as in 'stop' sir!"
"I'm coming in immediately!" Charles said angrily, trying to push past Klinger, but Klinger stood his ground, pushing the rifle against his chest.
"Belay that, sir! No one allowed aboard until further notice. Orders from the bridge sir!"
"Bridge?"
"Aye aye sir!"
"Nonsense!" Said Charles, "What are you doing in that hat?"
"I expect to make midshipman at Annapolis very soon sir! I think we have an excellent chance to beat Army this year!"
"Seems like Popeye's come up with a new caper awful quickly." B.J. said, "it's nice to see him bouncing back."
"Actually..." Said Ellie Marie with a smile, "this one was my idea."