Chapter 6
Uijeongbu Korea; September 20th, 1951
"Dammit!" exclaimed Radar from his spot sitting crossed legged on his bed.
"Walter Eugene O'Reiley!" Ellie Marie teased, "You kiss your mother with that mouth?"
"I just never get it!" He grumbled, "I'd like to beat you at this stupid game at least once."
Ellie Marie flicked a playing card and it soared through the air landing perfectly on Radar's upturned waste paper basket with a plunk.
"It's all in the wrist." She explained, "You're putting too much backspin on it when you flick. Watch."
She put the card in his hand and placed hers around his, mimicking the motion. When he let go the card flew perfectly straight and landed next to hers.
"There you go." She said.
"It doesn't count if you basically do it for me."
"I never took you for the competitive type." She pointed out, "or is it just that you don't like losing to a girl?"
"I've lost to plenty of girls in my life, that ain't the problem." He said.
"Well then what is?"
"It'd just be nice to at least be good at a game I invented!"
"Invent something new then!" She said, "something I'll be sure to stink at like...a filing race, or...who can find the call code for San Francisco the fastest." He shook his head at her, but he smiled.
"Radar, do you know where that form 48 dash B got to?" Said Colonel Potter, walking out of his office with a folder in his hands.
"Oh, didn't realize you had company." He said, noticing Ellie Marie sitting next to him.
"No worries Colonel. I was just relieving my boredom with a little game Radar and I created." Ellie Marie said, as Radar jumped up and went to his filing cabinet.
"I know how that goes." He said, "back in the big war we came up with all kinds of ridiculous little games to keep ourselves occupied. I remember one time, we spent the better part of three days trying to train a rat that ended up in our foxhole how to dance."
"Did he ever learn sir?" Radar asked.
"Well we ran out of crackers before we could teach him more than the first step." He said.
"Here's that form you wanted sir." He said, handing a piece of paper to the Colonel.
"Ah, thank you son. I'm trying to see if I can liven this place up a bit. Now that the seasons are starting to turn I know everybody's going to be wishing they're home. I may not be able to get them there, but I'm going to see if we can work out getting some hay and pumpkins delivered to at least make the place feel a little homier for autumn."
"That's a nice thought Colonel." Ellie Marie said.
Colonel Potter went back into his office and Radar started picking up all the cards that had been scattered across the floor.
"It is crazy that the weather is already starting to change." Ellie Marie said, "I don't feel like I've been here long enough to see a change of seasons."
"It'll be 3 months in just a few weeks." Radar pointed out.
"I know, it just seems crazy to me."
"I dunno, to me it kinda feels like you've always been here." He added, and she smiled.
"Look at you being all sweet." She teased, and he just rolled his eyes.
"I'm guessing you're probably a pretty big fan of autumn huh?" He asked.
"I mean...yeah I am. But what would make you assume that?"
"Oh nothing...it's just I figure most people end up being fans of the time of the year that their birthday is. That's all. Mine's in April, and I always love when springtime comes around."
"How'd you know my birthday is in autumn?" She asked.
"It's in your file." He answered simply with a shrug.
"Radar, have you seen Ellie Marie?!?" Klinger yelled as he burst through the door. He looked over and saw her still seated on the bed, where she waved at him.
"You're never going to guess what I just heard!" He said, jumping on the bed next to her.
"Hey! Watch the shoes on my bed!" Radar snapped.
"So you know Ames?" Max said, "the Sergeant who's a little..."
"Larger than life?" Ellie Marie finished.
"Exactly. Well Hawkeye and B.J. just told me, he's got 10 days to lose 20 pounds or the Army is gonna kick him out."
"Really..." Ellie Marie said, "and am I right in assuming this put some ideas in your head?"
"You are indeed, fairest of my friends!" He replied, "This one's full proof. The army has regulations about the kind of shape you have to be in to serve! If I get unhealthy enough, they'll have no choice but to kick me out!"
"You're actually gonna try and get so fat that the army kicks you out?" Radar asked, looking disgusted.
"You bet your skinny little butt I am."
"But what's your wife gonna say if you show up back home all fat?" Radar asked.
"Hopefully, she'll say, 'Maxie baby! God I missed you, I can't believe you're home!' And then get to helping me take all that weight back off, if you know what I mean." He wiggled his eyebrows making Radar blush and Ellie Marie laugh.
"It's definitely your most achievable plan to date, I'll give you that." Ellie Marie said.
"That's what I'm saying!!" Klinger said enthusiastically, "I gotta go talk to the cook. I just wanted to find you first. Ya know after last time...I promised you I'd give you a heads up."
"Much appreciated." She said, and he hopped off the bed and ran back out the door.
"You know if they kept a log of how crazy he acts trying to come up with ways to convince people he's crazy he'd be home by Tuesday." Radar said.
"Have you noticed it seems like he's ramping up his quota lately?" Ellie Marie asked.
"It's because his anniversary is coming up." Radar said,"it's his first one you know, and it kills him to spend it away from her."
"Why did I not know that?" Ellie Marie asked.
"He doesn't really talk with you about that stuff."
"Why? I was under the impression we were best friends."
"Yeah, but lady troubles...that's guy stuff." Radar said.
"Ladies troubles Dirk Darkly?" Ellie Marie teased.
"You know what I mean..." He said with an eye roll.
"Hey Ellie come quick! An ambulance turned over in the compound!" Said Kelly, sticking her head in the door from Post Op. She jumped up and ran for the door.
They reached the spot where the road curved into the camp, and Ellie Marie saw the rest of the senior staff already gathered there with a small crowd.
"Anybody hurt?" Colonel Potter was asking.
"The driver was a bit shaken up, but he'll be alright." Father Mulcahy said.
"No one else inside?"
"No."
"Thank god."
"Believe me I already did."
"Alright buffalo breath. Let's move." Colonel Potter said to Klinger who was standing next to him holding a large salami he had obviously already gnawed a large chunk out of. "And keep that thing down wind."
"How the hell did you get that already?" Ellie Marie muttered, walking up next to him.
"A Klinger is never far from a Lebanese salami!" He proclaimed proudly.
"I do not want to know..." Colonel Potter said with a sigh, before turning to address everyone else.
"Well, it looks like we've got enough bodies here." He said, "let's get the horse on its feet."
"Sir! Can I go slip into something a little more comfortable?" Klinger asked, looking down at his pleated skirt and lace blouse.
"Move one step and you'll need that salami as a cane." Warned the Colonel.
They all walked forward and braced a shoulder against the roof of the ambulance. Ellie Marie ended up sandwiched between B.J. and Charles.
"Go ahead Margaret. You push and I'll grunt." She heard Hawkeye say, further down the line.
"Pervert..."Margaret muttered.
"On the count of 3 we heave." Said Colonel Potter.
"I may heave on two." Hawkeye chimed in.
"Ok let's go. Uno! Dos! Tres!"
They all pushed, and the ambulance creaked, but try as they might they only managed to lift it a few inches off the ground.
"Alright this time let's mean it." Said the Colonel, "Ready?" They pushed again, with similar results.
"Klinger your heart isn't in this!" The Colonel grunted, as they struggled.
"No but his breath sure is..." said Hawkeye. They let the truck fall back on its side with a thud.
"Just wait till I get my second wind sir." Panted Klinger.
"Oh please..."muttered Margaret.
"My hamstrings are playing, 'I Surrender Dear.'" Said B.J., bending over and clutching a stitch in his side.
"We've got enough people here..." said Colonel Potter, looking around with his hands on his hips, "We should be able to toss this wagon around like a volleyball."
"Colonel, it's too heavy." Whined Charles.
"Cow cookies!" The Colonel snapped, "This group is as limp as a noodle."
"Need some help Colonel?" A group of 4 M.P.s were headed up the road towards them from Rosie's.
"Sure do." The Colonel said, "We just ran out of muscle. Join the party."
"We were over at Rosie's." Said the second M.P., "Heard you had some trouble."
"Uh...you folks can stand aside." He added, as they walked up to the ambulance, "we'll handle this."
"Just the 4 of you?" B.J. questioned.
"Well, actually it's more than we need." The first one said.
The 4 of them walked over and braced their shoulders against the ambulance the same way all of them had.
"Sure you don't wanna warm up? Maybe flip over a jeep?" Hawkeye asked.
With one quick shove the M.P.s easily lifted the ambulance and set it upright in the road.
"Too heavy huh?" Said the second one, smirking.
"It's all done with mirrors." Hawkeye grumbled.
"Thanks boys." The Colonel said.
"Next time, call us." The first one said, "Don't hurt yourselves."
"Why don't we go to the mess tent?" Said Hawkeye to Margaret, "They're serving humble pie." She laughed.
"Hold it. We're not finished yet." Said Colonel Potter, "you people are in a sorry state. This is a mobile hospital! If we ever have to bug out, you won't be able to lift a tent pole."
"I am a surgeon." Charles said austerely, "I'm not a circus roustabout."
"You're a clown." Hawkeye muttered.
"And you're a buffoon." Charles shot back.
"Bottle it!" Demanded the Colonel, "Starting tomorrow at 0700. All personnel will fall out for daily calisthenics."
"Oh Colonel..."
The entire group began to grumble in unison, but he held his hands up for silence.
"Pierce, Hunnicutt, you're doing it for Ames. You can do it for everyone else. You've just picked up a whole bunch of new recruits."
Thanks to the Colonel's new directive, Ellie Marie found herself shivering slightly in the cool air the next morning as B.J. and Hawkeye walked up and down the line barking orders.
"Hut two three four! Hut two three for!" B.J. called.
"Hey you. In the woodwinds section. Brass" Hawkeye called, pointing at Charles who was standing quite still beside her and obviously not participating.
"Why aren't you playing toe touchies?"
"Gentleman, we're all just fooling ourselves here." He said.
"Isn't that what the army's all about?" Ellie Marie said quietly, making him smirk.
"Morning exercise is futile at best." Charles continued, "When one arises, the body is subject to postural hypertension."
"You tell 'em Doc!" Said a voice directly behind him and Ellie Marie turned to see that Klinger had appeared there holding a ham sandwich and another salami.
"Where were you?" She said quietly, as Charles moved forward to continue his debate with B.J. and Hawkeye.
"I had Cook scramble me a dozen eggs first thing this morning." He said, "what'd I miss?"
"Not much. Charles is protesting on account of his blue blood being too refined for exercise." She said, and he laughed.
"Oh I almost forgot! I have something for you!"
She shot a quick look at B.J. and Hawkeye, but they were still busy arguing with Charles, so she carefully slipped a tightly wrapped package out of her pocket and handed it back to him without looking.
"What is it?" He asked.
"It's sticky rice pudding," she said, "Rosie showed me how to make it. It's really good, and chalk full of starch and sugar and fats. All the calories. I figured I can't let you survive on Lebanese salami or your blood pressure is going to top out before your weight does."
"Thanks G. You're tops." He muttered, as Charles stomped back to his place.
"On the other hand, circulatory stress does aid in the prevention of arterial sclerosis, and I'm certainly all for that." He said, and the whole group groaned.
"Alright let's try some jumping jacks." Said B.J.
"Uh..." Said Klinger, raising his sandwich for B.J. to see.
"For those of you still eating your breakfast, leave out the jumping." He said, "Ready? Begin."
"If I strain anything before Donald gets here I'll kill Colonel Potter." Margaret growled on her left.
"Oh, your husband is coming to visit?" Ellie Marie asked.
She liked talking with Margaret about her marriage. It put her in the best mood. Sure enough, as soon as Ellie brought it up Margaret's whole demeanor changed.
"Yes! He's picking me up on Friday!" She said beaming, "We've got a week of R banked and we're going to Manila!"
"Oh that sounds amazing." Ellie Marie said enthusiastically, "I've always wanted to visit the Philippines." Suddenly the P.A. system crackled to life.
"Ten hut, all you mopes." Boomed the Colonel's voice, "This is your C.O. The guy who set up this little wingding. Remember me? Couldn't help but notice that some of you are less than delighted with the program. Well we're gonna straighten that out. Those of you who still have the energy will report to the mess tent right now. Those who don't will report three minutes earlier." He paused, "Same to you." He added, before clicking off.
Ellie Marie made a quick pit stop at her tent to grab the second gift she'd gotten for Klinger and stuff it in her pocket. Then she headed to the mess tent. Klinger had saved her a seat, so she slid in next to him.
"Hold out your hand." She whispered.
"I don't play those kinds of funny games, lady." He muttered back.
"Just do it." She said, he did and she dropped a handful of boiled peanuts into it.
"Have I told you lately that I love you?" He said, tipping them into his mouth.
"Yeah yeah, just shut up and eat."
The Colonel slammed open the doors and walked into the room. He stalked to the front and glared down at all of them.
"Sir, do anything but don't yell." Said Hawkeye.
"QUIET!" The Colonel bellowed.
"When I give an order. I expect it to be carried out!" He continued.
"Seems like the king is coming for our heads." Klinger muttered in Arabic, and Ellie Marie giggled appreciatively. Hawkeye shot him a quizzical look.
"Did you just have a stroke?" He muttered under his breath.
"No idea what you're talking about." Klinger said, not looking at him. He held out his hand again and Ellie Marie covertly slipped more peanuts into it.
"However," the Colonel continued, "I do realize that standing in line flapping your arms can get a little boring."
"From the first flap." Muttered Charles.
"So, in my usual, quiet, effective way. I've come up with a little plan to alleviate that problem. Captain Lennox please don't feed the wildlife. He's hard enough to rangel when left to his own devices."
Ellie Marie jumped at being directly addressed, and pulled her hand back from where she'd been giving Klinger another handful of peanuts, but she angled her jacket so he could continue to take them directly from her pocket.
"Eyes like a hawk." She muttered in Arabic.
"And twice as scary." Klinger agreed, sneaking a peanut.
"What in the United Nations presents Barnum and Bailey are you two doing?" Hawkeye said, looking at them in bewilderment.
"So we all know that the Olympics are happening this coming summer." Colonel Potter continued, " and I know we're all hoping to be home in time to see them, but in the meantime we're going to hold our own little Olympics right here. We'll divide up into two teams, come up with our own events, and compete against each other. Brilliant huh?" There was silence around the tent.
"Brilliant Colonel, but not too well received." Said Hawkeye.
"Oh, I just know I'm not going to have anything left for Donald..." Margaret groaned.
"Oh did I forget to mention the little incentive? Each member of the winning team gets three days R ."
At the Colonel's last proclamation the entire tent burst into cheers, and the attitude around the room changed completely.
"Always helps to sweeten the pot." He said, "Pierce, Hunicutt, you mind going against each other as team Captains?"
"What do you say, powder puff?" Hawkeye asked.
"Well, at least it'll prove who's fairest in the land." B.J. said with a shrug, "where do we pick up our whistles Colonel?"
"Good." The Colonel said, "the 3 of us will meet later in my office to go over ground rules. The games start tomorrow at 0800 hours, and let the best team win!"
--
"So what are you gonna do in Tokyo if your team wins?" Ellie Marie asked, "besides eat every steakhouse and sushi bar out of business."
She was in Klinger's tent with him, and was currently sewing the hem on a toga dress he'd insisted on making for the torch lighting ceremony.
"I dunno..." he said, "I usually go out dancing, but I'm not sure I wanna risk burning the calories."
"Where do you go?"
"There's this great little joint on the west side. They have jive music almost as good as Toledo, you can always find someone in there ready to jitterbug the night away."
"Sounds like the perfect place for Fred and Ginger to show their stuff." She teased with a wink.
"Alright you little minx..." He said with an eye roll, "I can take a hint. If we win, I'll take you there. How's it look?"
Ellie Marie stood up and straightened the asymmetrical shoulders before spinning him to look in the mirror.
"Lady Liberty eat your heart out," He said with a grin. She laughed.
"What makes you so sure we'll even be on the same team?" She asked, as she put in one more stitch by his left shoulder.
"We will be..." He said, "just you wait and see."
"I dunno..." she said, shooting him a look, "Maybe I don't want to be on your team, if you aren't going to actually try."
"Does this look like the face of a man who's not going to try?" He said, raising his arms to better show off his outfit, "I may be aspiring to be the camp's resident lazy bum, but when there's a prize on the line, a Klinger always shows up!"
The next morning they stood in a group outside the main building with Hawkeye, B.J. and Colonel Potter at the head.
"Alright boys. Coin toss and whoever wins picks first. Call it in the air." Said Colonel Potter. He flipped the coin.
"Heads!" said B.J.
Colonel Potter looked down at the coin.
"It's heads." He confirmed.
"I pick Margaret." B.J. Said immediately.
"Fine then I pick Charles." Said Hawkeye.
"Now that we've gotten through all the major developments." Ellie Marie muttered, and Bigalow snickered next to her.
"I pick Ellie Marie ." Said B.J. She moved to stand beside Margaret.
"I see what you're doing." Said Hawkeye, "you're trying to get a monopoly on nurses. No you don't. I pick Bigalow."
"You know what? Just to prove you wrong, I pick Klinger." Said B.J.
Klinger walked up beside her, his gown still slightly singed from the ill fated torch lighting that had happened a few minutes earlier.
"Told you we'd be on the same team." He said smugly.
"Yeah...yeah...shut up." She shot back.
The first competition of the day was the crutch race. Ellie Marie found herself positioned between Margaret and Hawkeye.
"Take your positions!" The Colonel called out, "Fifty of the most grueling yards you'll ever see. It takes stamina, balance, a good sense of direction, and strong armpits. No starts until you hear the sound of the gun. I want a good clean race. I know how sneaky you people are so I'll be watching carefully. Remember, no jabbing, tripping, or blocking."
"Well there goes our game plan." Muttered Hawkeye.
"If God had intended man to be in a crutch race, he would have given him two broken legs." Charles groaned on Margaret's other side.
"Just stay out of my way lard hips." She snapped, elbowing him slightly.
"On your crutches, get set." The gun sounded.
Margaret took off like a flash with Ellie Marie and Charles right on her tail. B.J. and Hawkeye, as Colonel Potter rightly predicted, immediately resorted to sabotage, tripping each other and landing in a pile of tangled legs, arms, and crutches. After several yards Charles fell back, dropping one crutch and resorting to hobbling. Ellie Marie pushed with all her might but there was no catching the bullet train that was Margaret. She cleared the finish line easily to the cheers of their team.
Two hours later they were behind by one event. The crutch race had gone firmly in their favor, but they'd been part of a disastrous pile up during the gurney race. B.J had won the camp perimeter dash by a hair's breadth, but things went downhill from there when they were soundly beaten in the cot hurdles and Sergeant Ames had dominated the jeep tire throw. Colonel Potter had called a fifteen minute water break and strategy session, which found the Pink Elephants, the highly original name B.J. had come up with based on his favorite shirt's color, crowded around a table in the mess tent. B.J. was at the center, with Margaret and Ellie Marie flanking him on each side as the two other senior staff members on the team.
"All right, all right." B.J. called, quieting the group, "I know we've lost the last two events, but that's only a temporary set back. I have every reason to believe we're going to go out there and win this thing!"
"We're with you Captain!" Klinger called from the back of the room, waving a full loaf of bread like a baton.
"Would either of my fellow senior officers like to say a few words?" B.J. asked.
"No, I think you pretty much covered it Chief." Ellie Marie said, "We just gotta go out there and do our best. We've got the tools, we just need to use them."
"Perfectly said." B.J. Confirmed.
"Margaret? Did you want to add anything?" He asked.
"Yes, thank you Captain." She said.
Ellie Marie groaned internally.
"YOU PEOPLE STINK!" Margaret screeched, " You're slow! You're lazy! You have no spirit! Do the Captains and I have to carry this whole crummy team?!? Now I want you to get out there and fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Let's take it to them! Let's cut out their hearts! Let's win! Thank you Captain." She finished calmly and stepped back.
"Well you heard the lady, let's win." B.J. said into the stunned silence that followed, and they all stood to head back out the doors.
"You just had to ask her if she wanted to add anything." Tess muttered to him as they walked. He chuckled.
"Well I asked for your opinion, I had to ask hers too. It's only fair. She does outrank us both, you know."
"She's in rare form today isn't she?"
"She wants that pass."
"Yeah, but I've never seen her this crazy. Even before Post Op inspection day, and that's when she's at her most unhinged."
"No, you see that isn't Major Margaret Houlihan, head nurse of the 4077th we're seeing today." B.J. Said, holding the door of the mess open so she could walk through, "That's army brat Margaret Houlihan, daughter of Brigadier General Houlihan, who was taught from the cradle to never back down, never surrender."
"Her father is a Brigadier General?" Ellie Marie asked, and B.J nodded.
"That explains so much." She said, as they walked across the compound towards where the contestants were preparing for the nurse carry.
"The object is to stay up in the saddle." Colonel Potter was explaining, as Corporal Zelenskyy from the motor pool positioned Ginger on his shoulders and stood up. "Select your partners. Post time in five minutes."
"What do you say?" She asked, looking up at B.J.
"I figured you'd be looking to partner up with our resident Hoover vacuum in a skirt." He said.
"No! Klinger's mine!" Margaret snapped, overhearing their conversation, "he may be short, and sweaty and smell like a bad deli in Brooklyn, but he's a pack horse. I've seen him loading and unloading supplies."
"She's not wrong." Ellie Marie agreed. "So back to the question at hand."
"Eh why not?" B.J. said with a shrug, "But I warn you. The last girl I had on my shoulders was 6 months old, so I may be a bit out of practice."
They heard a jeep coming down the road and turned to see it pull into the compound. A man hopped out that Ellie Marie could only describe as an Army recruitment poster come to life. He was tall, definitely over six feet, with broad shoulders, a cleft chin, and wavy dark hair swept back so perfectly it would have made Clark Kent jealous.
"Lieutenant Colonel!" Colonel Potter called with a wave.
Margaret whipped around from where she'd been talking with Kelly and a huge smile broke across her face.
"Donald!" She gasped, charging across the distance and leaping into his arms for a passionate embrace.
"That's Lieutenant Colonel Penobscott?" Ellie Marie said incredulously, "Wow, when Margaret says she doesn't settle for anything but the best, she means it."
"You think so?" said Hawkeye, walking up beside them, "Personally I always found him to be a little much. Like someone took all the parts that they say make the perfect soldier and squished them together to make Captain America over there."
"I mean you aren't wrong." Ellie Marie agreed, "but that seems like it would be exactly Margaret's type. Therefore she picked quite the specimen."
"Especially if you compare him to her last conquest, Frank Burns." Said B.J.
"He was a specimen of a different sort." Hawkeye said.
"Speaking of unique specimens." He continued, looking around, "what happened to your favorite rapidly becoming over stuffed Lebanese salami? He was here a minute ago."
"Probably trying to sneak in a quick snack between events." B.J. said.
"Yeah like half a water buffalo." Ellie Marie agreed.
"You know I don't get it." Hawkeye said, "you'd think if he's working this hard to gain weight, he wouldn't be exerting himself this much in the competitions."
"He's not going to be a liability to our team when he knows we all have a reward on the line." Ellie Marie replied, "he may be crazy but he's not selfish."
"He's a complicated young man, our sweet Bedouin Betty Davisâ.." Hawkeye said affectionately.
"Nurses to your stations!" Colonel Potter called.
"Guess it's time to mount up." said B.J. and they walked towards the starting line.
"Come on Klinger you gotta carry me!" Margaret snapped, as she tried to pull him towards the starting line from wherever she'd found him.
"I can't make it Major." He said weakly, and Ellie Marie saw he was white as a sheet, "If they told me I was going home today, I couldn't lift my bag."
"Alright, get up. I'll carry you." Margaret said, pulling him up by the arm but he swayed violently, and almost fell over.
"Oh no... I can't do it." He moaned.
"Come on, I'll help you." She begged.
"It's the salami, isn't it son?" said Colonel Potter, coming over and putting a hand on his back.
Klinger's only response was to double over and groan, clutching his stomach.
"Dismissed." Said the Colonel.
"Thank you sir. From the bottom of my belly." He grunted, and then ran off towards the latrine.
Ellie Marie took one step in his direction, but B.J. put a hand on her shoulder.
"1, what assistance do you possibly think you could give him in there? 2, he made his bed with all the crazy eating, so now you have to let him lay in it, so to speak. 3. With him and Margaret out, I need you more than ever if we're going to pull this off. So get your pretty little butt up on my shoulders, and get your head on the damn race Captain!"
"What am I supposed to do?" Margaret complained, as Ellie Marie began to climb onto B.J.s shoulders.
"I guess you'll just have to sit this one out." B.J. said.
"Oh Captain Pink?" Colonel Potter called.
"Yes Colonel?" B.J. put her back down and turned to him.
"There's a little boy over there who looks like he wants to play." The Colonel indicated to Lieutenant Colonel Penobscott leaning against his jeep.
"Of course! Donald!" Margaret said excitedly, and she waved him over.
"Colonel Penobscott I need your broad shoulders." She teased affectionately.
"Stop! Hold it, time out, and just a doggone second." shouted Hawkeye, who had just put together what was happening and was attempting to put down Bigalow and come over to them.
"Darling, you're going to be my partner for the nurse carry." Margaret explained to her husband.
"I am?" He said in surprise.
"Now hang on." Said Pierce, finally joining the discussion, "Colonel this is the 4077th Olympics. Gorgeous George here is just an out of town relative."
"Objection sustained. The purpose of this is to build up our own people." Colonel Potter agreed.
"Thank you, Your Honor. There'll be a little something for you in your chambers later." Hawkeye said.
"Colonel, that's not fair!" Margaret stomped her foot in anger.
"No dear, the Colonel's right. These are your games." Donald said, putting an arm around her shoulder.
"And anyway," he added, "with my athletic ability, Pierce's side wouldn't stand a chance." Hawkeye bristled.
"What..."now wait a second. Wait just a minute. What do you mean, wouldn't stand a chance?" He said.
"Well, I didn't mean it like that exactly..." Donald said, putting on a show of looking contrite. "I'm sure it would be...uh, competitive."
"You bet your brass it would." Pierce shot back.
"Of course, a guy who was All-American in track and wrestling at West Point doesn't often lose to a bunch of army doctors." Donald added.
Hawkeye glared at him.
"Pick up your wife cadet." He said finally, and Margaret squealed with happiness as they all went back to their spots at the starting line.
"You know someday, someone should point out to Hawk that his ego grows ten times larger every time he competes, and it makes him easier to control than a puppet in a marionette's box." Ellie Marie said, as she clambered back onto B.J. shoulders.
"You better not." He responded, "how do you think I get all his money from him? His ego is paying for Erin's college fund."
"Alright! Everyone take their places!" Called the Colonel, "on your mark, get set, Go!"
In the end it wasn't even much of a competition. She and B.J. started out strong, but as he'd predicted, her lack of balance and his lack of core strength left them on the ground in a pile by the halfway mark. Hawkeye and Bigalow put up a courageous fight, but the tank of a Lieutenant Colonel barreled across the finish line as if Margaret weighed nothing at all, tying the games up.
"All right!" The Colonel yelled, "here's how we're gonna break this tie! We'll choose one name from each team at random and those two will run the dreaded obstacle course! And the lucky participants are..." He reached into the hat he was holding in front of him.
"For the Pink Elephants...Lieutenant Colonel Penobscott."
Ellie Marie squealed in excitement and grabbed Margaret, who grabbed her right back as they jumped and celebrated.
"And for the Yellow Blackbirds..." he reached into a second hat, "Sergeant Ames." A collective groan from the other side.
"Boy...you are gonna lose so big." B.J. said smugly, grinning at Hawkeye as the contestants took their places.
"The dreaded obstacle course." Colonel Potter repeated, "first man to make it through alive wins. And take it easy on those tires. We need them for the jeeps."
"Don't worry about him, those muscles are rented." Hawkeye muttered to Ames, shooting Donald a glare.
"This is for all the marbles." Said the Colonel, "on your mark, get set..."
The gun sounded and they were off. Donald cleared the tires in seconds, while Ames got tripped up. Donald dove through the barrels, under the netting and hopped the final wall, and Ames was still stuck in the first barrel. Suddenly he stopped and turned back to watch Ames, taunting him from where he stood, a mere feet from the finish line. As Ames finally struggled out of the mud under the netting, Donald began to slowly inch backwards towards the finish line, but he wasn't paying attention to where he was walking.
"Hey Colonel!" B.J. yelled in warning, but it was too late. Donald tripped over a barrel at the edge of the course and fell head first into the mess of netting that surrounded the motor pool. The Pink Elephants screamed in frustration as he tried to untangle himself, but Ames was already over the wall, he ran heavily over the finish line, and the Yellow Blackbirds swarmed him, screaming and cheering as they lifted him on their shoulders.
--
Ellie Marie came out of the shower tent about an hour later, shaking her damp hair out of her face and pulling it back into a braid. She heard voices and looked up to see Margaret and Donald loading the last of their things into the jeep.
"You can't go on like this!" He was saying, "just because I lost a doggone race!"
"A race?" She snapped, "A race? That wasn't just a race! It was the Olympics!"
"All right, fine." He threw the last bag in the jeep, "Stay here with the winner. I'm going to Manila!"
He shoved himself into the driver's seat and jammed the key in the ignition. When he turned it the engine popped and stuttered before going dead. Margaret gave him a hard push in the shoulder, trying to get him out of the jeep.
"What are you doing?" He grumbled.
"Just move over!" She said, "If we're gonna go we might as well get there."
He hopped out and she slid into the driver's seat. She quickly turned the key and the ignition started at once.
"Come on Margaret, it was only a race!" he said again, but then had to quickly run and jump in the passengers side, as she almost pulled away without him.
Ellie Marie chuckled and shook her head. She began to walk towards Post Op. It had been a very slow week, and she knew they only had one casualty there, but she had a feeling who else she might find. When she walked into the ward she saw Baker sitting at the desk in the far corner with her feet propped up reading a magazine, and sure enough Klinger was in the bed across the row from her.
"He doing alright?" She whispered as she leaned against the desk.
"Yeah he'll be fine." Baker answered, "the vomiting stopped about a half hour ago and he said he was in the latrine for another half hour before that. I gave him some antacids and he drifted off to sleep about ten minutes ago."
"No I didn't" he groaned, "I just figured out that if I lay completely still, it stops feeling like my stomach is trying to defect from the rest of my body."
Ellie Marie and Baker laughed, and Ellie Marie grabbed a chair to sit beside him. He rolled over slowly to look at her.
"If I die, make sure I'm buried in my black sequins ok?" He said.
"You're not going to die, you drama Queen." She said, wringing out a cool wash cloth and putting it on his head, "you know I could point out that I did warn you about eating all that cured meat. But since you're feeling so lousy, I'll skip the 'I told you sos'. If you decide you wanna try this again, we're gonna make sure your diet is way better balanced."
"No way..." He said, shaking his head slightly, "I don't care how bad I want out, it's not worth this ... .besides I kinda got to thinking about what Radar said. It's probably not the best idea to go home to my wife looking like Lou Costello and smelling like my Uncle Sal's butcher shop on a hot summer day."
"Fair point..." Ellie Marie said with a laugh. They sat there in silence for a few minutes. Klinger was staring off into the distance as if his focus was on something very far away.
"My wedding anniversary is on Tuesday." He said finally.
"Oh yeah?"
"It's our first one. We weren't even together when we got married ya know? We did it over long range radio in the Colonel's office. Course it wasn't Colonel Potter's office back then, it was Colonel Blake's. But anyway, I always really believed I'd make it up to her by being home for our first anniversary and we'd have a big party to celebrate. Well here we are. It's been a year, and I'm no closer to getting home to her than I was the day I married her."
"I know Max..." She said gently, "I can't even imagine how that must feel. For what it's worth, I know it's not the same, but I'm sure Radar would be happy to help you plan something special for her that you can do from here."
"Yeah...I dunno..." he said.
"Oh come on...you're gonna give up on making the girl you've loved since you were twelve feel special just because you happen to be on the other side of the world? That's not the Maxwell Q. Klinger I know." He smirked.
"Nah, I guess it's not." He agreed.
"So what would you have done for her? If you were in Toledo?" She asked.
"Probably start with a dozen red roses from Zeno's Flower Shop sent to the hair salon where she works." He said, "Then I'd pick up dinner from our favorite little hole in the wall restaurant, candlelit dinner at home, etc etc...then I'd surprise her with a new dress and later that night we'd go out dancing."
"Well...there's at least a couple of those things you could still do." Ellie Marie pointed out. "Give me the number and while you get some rest I'll have Radar put in the order to make sure the roses get delivered in time. Then you just gotta put the call in the day of, to get her the food, and have Radar put you through to her house around dinner time."
"Hey..." Klinger said, propping himself up on his elbows to look at her, "that's a terrific idea! Why didn't I think of that?"
"You were too busy, trying to consume half the camp so you could be there in person." Ellie Marie pointed out.
"Guess that's true." He laid back down.
"Hey did we at least win?" He asked.
"Afraid not," she answered, "but on the bright side Sergeant Ames looks like he might actually lose the weight he needs to stay in the Army."
"I tell you what, working your butt off to try and stay over here..." Klinger mumbled, "and they say I'm crazy."