Chapter 36
Uijeongbu Korea; October 1st, 1952
"Mail call sirs." Klinger said, opening the door of the Swamp.
"Perfect! My newest issue of Nudist magazine is due and it's the fall festival addition." Hawkeye said, sitting up on his bed.
"Alright I got….two letters for Hunnicutt, one smells like crayons…." Klinger said.
"Must be from my congressman." B.J. quipped, reaching out to take them.
"One for Winchester from the Board of Trustees at Boston General." He handed it to Charles. "And one dirty magazine with girls picking apples and looking very chilly for Hawkeye." He jumped up greedily to grab it.
"What's maison de amoureux?" Hawkeye asked, tilting his head sideways to read a box sticking out of the mail bag.
"It's French…." Charles supplied, not looking up from his letter.
"Thank you Captain Obvious." Hawkeye retorted.
"That's Major Obvious to you." B.J. corrected.
"There's a box in there, white with gold embellishments and it says, maison de amoureux on it." Hawkeye explained, "it looks expensive. What is it? Lemme see." He reached for the bag, but Klinger pulled it away.
"Going through the mail is a federal crime!" He said.
"Yeah, but not for you…." Hawkeye pointed out, "just take a peek at what it is and who it's going to."
"I know what it is….at least generally." Klinger answered, "it's lingerie. Maison de Amoureux is a French lingerie brand. Super high end stuff, nothing under 20 or 30 bucks."
"And you know this how?" B.J. questioned.
"How quickly you forget that just nine short months ago I was the authority on ladies fashion in this camp." Klinger pointed out, "I got their catalogs all the time. The things they can do with a garter belt are pure artistry. Never bought anything though, too rich for my blood."
"Ok well now we gotta see who it's addressed to." Hawkeye said, reaching for the box again.
"No ya don't." Klinger said, yanking it back again.
"Come on Klinger……" Hawkeye whined, "We just wanna see who ordered it….it's not like we're gonna open it or anything."
"No, dice Captain. Mail call is a duty I take very seriously."
"You know…..if you don't want to tell him….he could always just follow you around for the rest of mail call and see where it ends up." B.J. pointed out, "it's a small camp."
"If I tell you whose name is on this package you're gonna follow me there anyway just to give her a hard time!" Klinger snapped back.
"Hmmmm…." Hawkeye said, "Now that's an interesting statement Beej. Who do we know that Klinger would automatically assume we'd want to rag on for ordering some fancy unmentionables? Only two names come to mind."
"And if it were our fellow Captain…I feel like young Maxwell here would be a lot more invested than he currently seems. Which leaves only…."
"Major Margaret Houlihan…you little minx." Hawkeye said with a grin, and Klinger rolled his eyes, as they both jumped up to follow him out of the tent.
"Ok, you two need to take a step back." Klinger said in annoyance, a few minutes later when they reached the Major's tent door, and he knocked.
"Who is it?" She said.
"It's Klinger Ma'am. Mail call." He replied.
"Oh! Just a minute!" Margaret opened the door and smiled at Klinger but then looked questioningly at the two Captains grinning stupidly behind him, "can I help the two of you?" She asked.
"I'm really sorry, Major." Klinger said, taking out the box, "I stopped at the Swamp first and they saw it in the mail bag, and you know what idiots they are."
"Of course…." Margaret muttered, grabbing the box from him, "It's ok Max it's not your fault." She added before glaring at them, "are you two ever going to grow up and act your age?"
"Why would we do that? It sounds boring." Hawkeye teased, and then he gave her an impish grin, "So what's in the box Margaret?'
"Seems like you already know Mr. Wisenheimer." She replied flatly.
"Let me rephrase my comrades' question." B.J. said, "Who's that box for Margaret?"
"Yes….I'm very curious. As far as I know, you don't have any RR planned anytime soon. So it makes one wonder what you could need with such expensive…. embellishments." Hawkeye said, "planning a secret rendezvous with a certain Corporal Scully? I know I'd go AWOL to see you in something like that."
"I haven't seen or heard from Scully since that night in Rosie's!" Margaret retorted.
"So then……what are we missing?' B.J. asked.
"Several brain cells at least." Margaret shot back at him, but when they stood there calmly waiting for an answer without moving an inch, she sighed and rolled her eyes.
"Fine! If you refuse to allow me even the slightest ounce of privacy. I'll have you know, the contents of this box are intended for him." She pointed at Klinger who raised his eyebrows and looked from the Captains back to the Major in confusion.
"Uh….Major…I'm not sure where we got our wires crossed but…"
"Oh shut it you ninny." She cut across him, "it's a bridal gift, from me and the rest of the nurses to Ellie Marie! Everyone put in 5 dollars so we could get her something extra special. Two things actually: one for the wedding, one for the honeymoon. So thank you very much Captains for spoiling the surprise."
"Are you kidding?" B.J. said with a laugh, "We didn't spoil anything! Look at his face."
Klinger was in fact looking at the Major with a dazed expression as if someone had just hit him over the head with a club.
"Steady Corporal." Hawkeye teased, putting a hand on his shoulder, "you've still got a week until you get to unwrap your present."
Attention all personnel, wounded in the compound.
A truck came rolling into the main compound and all four of them went running over to it. The driver unloaded two wounded soldiers and there was a civilian man, three young women, and an older woman in a sequin dress also sitting in the back of the truck.
"Not our usual patient roster." Ellie Marie commented walking up next to Klinger, "what's up?"
"I dunno….they just got here.' He replied. One of the men with the truck carried the youngest girl over to them.
"Are you hit?' Elli Marie asked, stepping towards her and looking for blood.
"It's her stomach. She's been having pains." The man explained.
"Well, well, since when did they put a stewardess on this run?" Hawkeye asked, as he came over to examine her.
"She's with the U.S.O. Medic thinks it's her appendix."
"I heard about their troop!" Klinger said, "supposed to be star studded through and through."
"Hello? Anybody home?" The older woman called from the truck, waving for someone to help her down.
"That's Brandy Doyle! The stripper!" Colonel Potter said.
"And how would you know?" Margaret asked, raising a questioning eyebrow at him.
"I saw her picture in Life Magazine…..fully clothed of course." The Colonel said, blushing slightly. She and the older gentleman walked towards them, and Klinger grabbed Ellie Marie's arm excitedly.
"G do you know who that is??" He said, "That's Fast Freddie Nichols! The funniest man to ever set foot on his ankles! I gotta get his autograph!"
"Sorry to barge in on you kind folks like this." Brady said pleasantly. "Seems the Chinese weren't as happy to see us as our boys usually are."
"No imposition at all Ma'am. I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say we're tickled to have you." The Colonel replied, "Many's the time you yourself beguiled this wide eyed young doughboy back in K.C. at the Getty Theater."
"You caught my act?" She said, with a grin.
"Heck, one time I caught your garter." The Colonel responded, and they both laughed.
"All right then Colonel. I think maybe you should take me over to the mess tent for a cup of coffee." She said, looping her arm through his.
"It'd be my pleasure." He agreed.
"Would you look at him go…." B.J. murmured as the two of them walked away.
"You folks sure are a sight for sore eyes." Freddy said, walking up to Klinger and Ellie Marie, "I tell ya what? Take a wrong turn around here and you end up in a fox hole, it's like there's a war on or somethin'."
"Freddy Nichols! It's great to meet ya!" Klinger said grinning and grabbing his hand, "boy are you a legend! Me and my buddy Gus drove four hours to catch your show at The Palace Theater in Chicago!"
"No kidding….always nice to meet a fan." Freddy said, "you fancy yourself a funny man as well?"
"Oh no….nothing like you." Klinger said, shaking his head.
"He's being modest." Ellie Marie told Freddy, "he's MC'd every talent show and party this joint has had since we got here, not to mention he spent the first half of the war dressed in drag and he fully committed to the bit."
"Huh….not bad Corporal." Freddy said with a smirk, "we should swap notes later. Where you from anyway kid?'
"Toledo."
"Oh god I'm sorry…." Freddy quppied, clutching his heart dramatically. Ellie Marie laughed.
"And who might you be?" He added.
"Captain Ellie Marie Lennox." She said, shaking his head, "I'm the Assistant Head Nurse around here."
"Well if I knew the nurses in Korea were gonna be this pretty I mighta tried a little harder to get myself injured." He said with a wink. "Now, either of you two wanna show me where we can get some grub?"
"Right this way Freddy." Klinger said, taking him towards the mess tent.
"Fair warning, grub is an all too accurate description of what we got." Ellie Marie added.
———
"How are you feeling Marina?" Hawkeye said, leaning on the end of the U.S.O. singer's bed in Post. Op.
"Great." She replied with a smile, "Thanks to a certain wonderful doctor I know."
"I bet you say that to all the wonderful doctors you know." He teased.
"I mean it Captain…." She said, smiling up at him again.
"Well…this wonderful doctor is ordering you to get some rest." He said.
"You were supposed to take out her appendix, not steal her heart." Ellie Marie muttered to him as she got up from the desk with a folder, and headed into the main office.
"Post Op logs for today Corporal." She said, and he reached over his shoulder so she could hand them to him.
"Thanks Captain." He replied. She moved to lean against his desk, "so Marina? The U.S.O girl with the appendix. She's got it bad for Hawk."
"Oh yeah?" He said smirking, "how bad we talking?"
"Stars in her eyes….waxing poetic about her gallant savior kinda bad." She said.
"Poor kid…." Klinger said, shaking his head, "She's gonna get her heart broken if she's not careful."
"One of a long line of hearts left in the wake of the S.S. Benjamin Pierce…" Ellie Marie teased with a sigh. The inner office doors opened.
"Klinger, that was G2 on the phone." Colonel Potter said, as he walked out, "There's an all out offensive happening. All roads are restricted to troop convoys only nobody can leave. Which means our U.S.O. friends are with us until further notice."
"Colonel, does that just apply to Army personnel or are they restricting local civilian travel as well?" Ellie Marie asked.
"They can't fully enforce it with the locals but my bet is they'll restrict them as much as possible." He replied.
"Dammit…"
"You got a meeting with one of the indigenous neighbors?" He asked.
"I just have something that was supposed to be delivered by the seamstress today." She said.
"Is it your wedding dress?" Klinger said, perking up, she shot him a look.
"None of your business Corporal." She replied.
"It's her wedding dress." Klinger said, grinning at the Colonel who smiled back.
"Well if she gets it here within the next hour she should be fine." The Colonel said. "They're still getting the blockades organized."
The door from the compound opened and Freddy Nichols walked in.
"Hey there Freddy." Ellie Marie said.
"Hey gorgeous." He replied.
"That's my line…." Klinger muttered under his breath.
"Klinger with this new push, we're probably see plenty of wounded in the next few days." Colonel Potter continued, "Make sure we've got plenty of plasma, penicillin, bandages…..order all of our necessities times three."
"Yes sir. Yes sir. Yes sir." Klinger quipped, as he grabbed the forms and started writing.
"Colonel listen….I just heard the news, and there's gotta be some way for you to get us outta here!" Freddy said.
"Mr. Nichols let me put this in show folks lingo." The Colonel replied, "There's people out there knockin 'em dead. Unless you want your next review to be in the obituaries, you'll just have to sit here a spell."
"But we gotta wind up this tour on schedule, or in Army folks lingo, my club date in Hoboken is gonna be down the latrine!" Freddy said.
"I've been to Hoboken. You're better off here." said the Colonel.
"You don't understand!" Freddy complained, "This could cost me the chance of a lifetime! My agent says it's the perfect showcase for Toast of the Town."
"What's that?" Colonel Potter asked.
"What's that? Ed Sullivan! The really big 'shew'" Klinger said, using an Ed Sullivan impersonation.
"Hey…that's not half bad Toledo." Freddy said.
"Look, unless this Toast of the Town's got scrambled eggs on his cap, you're plum outta luck." The Colonel said, and Freddy sighed in exasperation.
"I'm gonna leave you fellas to the business you call show." Ellie Marie said, leaning over and giving Klinger a kiss.
"Love ya Toledo." She said with a smirk.
"Love you gorgeous." He replied.
On her way back through the doors she heard Freddy say.
"Man you really must be funny kid….it's the only way guys like us can hold onto dames like that, makin 'um laugh."
Ellie Marie did in fact laugh at his comment, as she shook her head and walked down the Post Op ward.
"How's he doing?" She asked, walking to where Hawkeye was sitting next to a patient.
"His vitals are stable." He responded, "How you feeling Nowicki?" He asked the patient. The man ignored him and looked away.
"Still hasn't spoken at all?" Ellie Marie asked.
"Nope, not a word." Hawkeye said, he put a hand on the boys arm, "Okay pal, if you don't feel like talking I understand. But if you change your mind my number is, 'Hey Doc.'" He got up and walked back towards the desk.
"So what do you think is going on with him?" Ellie Marie asked quietly.
"I dunno you're the future shrink." Hawkeye said, she gave him a pointed look and he sighed, "it could be a hundred different things." He answered, "I know it's not a particularly new idea, but war is hell. Physically he's fine, so we'll give him a few days while the roads are shut down and if he's still nonverbal we'll send him down to Seoul and see if Sidney can get him chatting."
"Sounds about right….." Ellie Marie said, "Hey I've been meaning to talk to you."
"If you've been meaning to talk to me, then what the hell have we been doing for the past five minutes…?" He quipped.
"Hawk….be serious."
"Oh right right…." He plastered a somber look on his face, "what would you like to discuss with me Captain Lennox." He said in a grave tone, she rolled her eyes but continued.
"It's about the wedding." She said, "you know we're not having anyone stand up with us because we really couldn't begin to pick between all of you, but I do have something I was hoping you'd agree to do."
"Is it being the flower girl?" He asked, "because I'm telling you right now, none of Max's dresses are going to fit me. We have very different body types."
"Hawkeye….."
"Serious….Got it. So what is it?"
"I was hoping maybe you'd sing." Ellie Marie said, "I'm walking down the aisle to Unforgettable by Nat King Cole, played by Father Mulcahy. I thought it'd be kinda nice if you sang it too. As pretty as it is, the words are kinda what make that song. Major Houlihan already agreed to sing My Funny Valentine for our first dance, so you're my last puzzle piece."
"My Funny Valentine and Unforgettable, huh? Not exactly traditional wedding songs."
"Well we're not exactly traditional people." She replied, "My Funny Valentine has always kinda been my song to Max, it's pretty fitting if you think about it."
"You don't even have to think that hard. It's a perfect song for Klinger." Hawkeye agreed.
"And Unforgettable has always been special to us….." She continued, "Max sang it to me after the first time that we…" She trailed off and blushed slightly.
"Oh well I mean if he sang it to you the first time that you….of course it's special." Hawkeye teased.
"So will you do it?" She asked.
"Eleanor…I would be honored." He said with a warm smile.
''Thanks Hawk…" she said, "just pick a time to go over it with the father once or twice ok?"
"You got it boss."
"Ellie!!" Baker had opened the door at the end of the ward and poked her head in, "it's here!!" She said excitedly. Ellie Marie jumped up and bounced excitedly on her toes.
"Oh thank god! I thought she might not make it!" She turned back to Hawkeye, "Do you mind if I head out a few minutes early?"
"Eh why not….we've only got three patients anyway and two are halfway healed." Hawkeye said, "go enjoy whichever level of wedding euphoria has arrived now."
———
"Oh Ellie….." Kelly whispered almost reverently, "you look like an actual angel."
Ellie Marie blushed slightly as she brushed her hands over the fluffy layers of tulle. The seamstress she'd purchased the dress from had been as good as her word, she had a feeling if her dress was put side by side with the one from the magazine, no one would be able to tell the difference. It had a corseted bodice made of beautiful Japanese silk, it cinched in at her waist and then billowed out in gauzy layers of tulle that fell to her mid calf. There was also tulle draped at the sweetheart neckline creating an off the shoulder sleeve.
"I've never felt so pretty!" She said happily, "I actually look like a bride!"
"And you don't even have your hair and makeup done yet!" Bigalow said, "you're gonna give Max a heart attack right there at the altar!" They all laughed appreciatively.
"I don't know about a heart attack, but you're definitely gonna make him cry." Kelly said with a smirk.
"You think?" Ellie Marie asked.
"Oh he's gonna cry like a baby." Margaret confirmed with a laugh.
"So when's the big day Betty Davis?" Brady Doyle asked, she'd come in to 'hang out with the girls' as she said.
"Six days." Ellie Marie said, unable to stop herself from bouncing slightly with excitement as she said it.
"Look at her…." Brandy commented with a smirk, "gotta be a first time bride. They're the only ones that excited." Margaret laughed appreciatively. "So tell me about the fella, honey. He one of these tall handsome doctors?"
"Nope." Ellie Marie said, taking her pillbox hat with birdcage veil out of its box, "hey Annie, you wanna help me figure out how I want this in my hair?" She asked, and Baker came over and began brushing her hair out and pinning it up.
"The groom is actually our company clerk." Margaret told Brandy.
"The little Arab guy following Freddy around like a lost puppy?" Brandy said in surprise.
"That's him." Ellie Marie said with a grin.
"Awww He's a cutie!" Brandy said kindly, "City boy right?"
"Yeah he is….how could you tell?"
"Sweetie, I can always tell…..those rough and tumble city kids always have a certain air about 'um….and incidentally good for you." Brandy said, leaning in like she was telling a secret, "take it from someone who's been around the block once or twice ladies. Every girl thinks they want those handsome straight laced, clean cut doctor types, but they're way too uptight and by the book. Nah, it's those quick talking, hot tempered boys from the wrong side of the tracks that will curl your toes and make you forget your own name…if you catch my drift." She wiggled her eyebrows and the other women laughed appreciatively.
"Why do you think I'm marrying him?" Ellie Marie teased, and Baker who was still doing her hair looked at her in the mirror and her jaw dropped.
"Ellie Marie!" She gasped, sounding scandalized.
"I'm kidding." Ellie Marie said with a smirk, "well….I'm kidding about the, why I married him part." She added, "that is purely because he's my best friend in the world, and I wanna spend every minute of the rest of my life next to him."
"That's the best kind of love…." Brandy said, "the passion and the romance….that stuff comes and goes, and don't let anyone tell it doesn't! But having someone you genuinely like, someone who makes you laugh, that's what makes love last forever."
"I sure hope so." Ellie Marie said with a smile.
"Alright." Baker said, "how'd I do?"
She'd put Ellie Marie's hair half up and half down, and had pinned the hat slightly off center.
"It looks perfect." Ellie Marie said, "Wow….that makes it feel so much more real!"
"It's six days away, that's pretty darn real!" Bigalow said. There was a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" Bigalow called.
"It's Hawkeye. I heard Margaret was in there and I needed to give her an update on Nowicki." He said.
"Alright if he comes in?" Margaret asked Ellie Marie.
"Yeah why not…." She said, still marveling at her reflection. Bigalow stuck her head out the door.
"You've been cleared for entry but anything beyond this point is top secret, understood?" She said.
"Yeah yeah….wedding central I got it. All information kept from the groom at all times…." He muttered, as he entered he looked up and saw Ellie Marie standing there. He froze in his spot and stared at her.
"Ok…you're gonna start to make me feel self conscious Captain." Ellie Marie said, nervously flattening the layers of tulle, "is it too much? I know it's not anything like what I usually wear. I look ridiculous don't I?"
"You're perfect." Hawkeye said quietly, still staring at her.
"Really?" She asked, blushing.
"You are without a doubt, the most beautiful bride I have ever seen." Hawkeye reiterated with a smile, "Klinger is gonna lose his damn mind when he sees you."
"We already told her there's no way he's not gonna cry." Kelly said with a grin.
"Are you kidding me?? We're talking Niagara Falls!" Hawkeye agreed, "I think I'm gonna cry."
"Oh stop…." Ellie Marie said with an eye roll as she turned back to the mirror.
"You had an update for me Captain?" Margaret said, with an amused smile.
"Wha—oh yeah." Hawkeye said, shaking his head slightly and turning his attention from Ellie Marie to Margaret.
"You're coming on duty in Post Op in ten minutes right?" He said.
"Yes."
"Ok, well Private Nowicki still isn't talking but the good news is that he's eating. He finished his lunch and even ate his chocolate pudding for dessert. we're transitioning him off the morphine now, so we're moving to IV Ibuprofen every three hours and a half dose of morphine every six."
"Understood." Margaret said.
"Alright then ladies. I guess I will bid the rest of you adieu." Hawkeye said.
"Remember Captain….mums the word." Ellie Marie warned, pointing a finger at him.
"Ellie I wouldn't spoil this moment for Max if my life depended on it." He said with another grin, before he walked out the door.
"Alright ladies." Brandy said standing up and stretching her back, "as much fun as this has been. A certain Colonel has given me an open invitation to join him in his tent to share a bottle of 12 year old Scotch, and I don't mind telling you, that is an offer I don't intend to turn down."
"Our Colonel?" Ellie Marie said incredulously, turning to look at her, and Brandy laughed.
"Don't worry your pretty little head darlin. Ol' Sherman is as sweet as Kentucky sippin' bourbon and twice as pure, and I have no intention of changing it. We're just two old war horses swapping stories."
"Brandy…before you go." Bigalow said, "we have one more gift for our dearest Ellie that I'm sure you'd hate to miss."
"You do?" Ellie Marie said, spinning around in surprise.
"Here bride to be. Have a seat." Kelly teased, pulling a chair over and pushing her down on it.
"Why am I suddenly very nervous about what you all might be up to?" She asked, and they all giggled appreciatively.
"Major, the box please?" Bigalow said, and Margaret handed her a large white box with gold lettering.
"Ooh hoo hoo! Maison de Amoureux!" Brandy said appreciatively, as the box was passed up, "I know what's in there!"
Ellie Marie opened the box carefully, and then blushed furiously, closing it again and looking up at her fellow nurses with wide eyes as they burst into giggles.
"You all bought this for me??" She said.
"Of course!" Baker said, "we couldn't send you on your honeymoon in your army issue unmentionables! We all chipped in. There's actually two outfits in there."
"The white one we made sure you could wear under your dress without it being seen, or being too uncomfortable since you'll be wearing it most of the day." Kelly explained.
"The red one on the other hand serves no practical purpose whatsoever." Margaret said with a mischievous grin, "but that one's for when you're in Tokyo on your honeymoon."
"Meg….you were wrong earlier." Ellie Marie said peeking back into the box, "this is what's going to give Max a heart attack!"
———
About an hour later Ellie Marie was on her way up to visit Klinger but she couldn't help but take the long way around and stop in Post Op. Even with the excitement of getting her dress she couldn't get Private Nowicki off her mind. When she went in the first thing she saw was Hawkeye at the end of the row. It seemed she wasn't the only one worrying. Then she noticed that Nowicki wasn't in his bed, he was sitting at the end of the row in a wheelchair next to Marina's bed, and talking to her happily.
"How about that?" She said, walking up next to Hawkeye, "words are coming out and everything."
"Yeah, his lips are moving and nobody even has their hand in his back." Hawkeye replied.
"Nice huh?" She said, "from no talk to sweet talk."
"She's just amazing…." Hawkeye said, "I"d like to prescribe a few minutes with her to every kid who comes through here."
"Why Captain Pierce….do I sense a mutual admiration brewing?" She teased, and he smirked but shook his head.
"Maybe if we're ten years younger……or about ten lifetimes less jaded." He said, "but no…..she doesn't belong with a crusty old cynic like me, she belongs exactly where she is."
Private Nowicki said something that made Marina burst into giggles and slap his shoulder playfully, and Hawkeye smiled.
Attention! All personnel! Incoming wounded! Hurry while there's still a whole selection of models and colors to choose from.
"Speaking of kids being where they're not supposed to be." Ellie Marie said with a sigh.
Several hours later they all trudged out of the operating room exhausted.
"You know they say there's no business like show business…..but I gotta say I'm getting a little burned out on these standing room only shows night after night." Hawkeye said, flopping down on the bench.
"Hey at least we're always guaranteed to leave them in stitches." B.J. quipped.
"New memo just came through sir." Klinger said, walking into the scrub room and handing a piece of paper to the Colonel, "the push is over. Roads open first thing in the morning."
"Sounds like our merry band of minstrels can be on their way to the 121st evac at first light." The Colonel said.
"You better go break the news to Miss Doyle, Sherm." B.J. teased.
"Watch yourself Hunnicutt." Colonel Potter said, pointing a threatening finger at him.
"Sir I was thinking." Klinger said, "before the troop heads out, maybe they could put on a little show for us tonight?"
"Say that's a swell idea." The Colonel replied, "think you could talk to Freddy and see what they can come up with?"
"I'm on it sir!" Klinger said with a grin, running excitedly from the room.
"And I guess after the show, you have a certain little angel of mercy to let down easily." Ellie Marie said quietly to Hawkeye.
"Great, I gotta go break the heart of the sweetest girl in the world. As if I didn't already feel like a bottom feeder."
"You could always go for the classic, it's not you it's me….which from what you told me is entirely accurate in this case."
"That's true…" Hawkeye said heavily, rubbing his face with his hands, "I'm no good at this part ya know? I'm the guy who just leaves and eventually they get the message….." He looked up at her and sighed, "some Prince Charming huh?"
"You'll get there…." Ellie Marie said, throwing an arm over his shoulder, "believe it or not I was just like you, worse even when I was back in college. I was the ultimate love 'em and leave 'em kinda girl, and look at me now, a week away from being someone's lawfully wedded wife."
"Yeah, but I have yet to find my Max Klinger…." Hawkeye said.
"She's out there Hawk, I know it." Ellie Marie said, leaning against his shoulder. They sat there quietly for a moment before he said.
"Are you picturing what Klinger would look like as a woman right now?"
"Yeah….it's not a pretty picture." She confirmed, and they both laughed.
————
"G you're never gonna believe it!" Klinger said, running into the Post Op, where Ellie Marie and the rest of the nurses were getting the patient's set up for the show. "Freddy's gonna let me be part of the act! We've been working on some jokes and everything!"
"No kidding?" She said with a smile, "Well then I'd better make sure I'm front and center."
"Yeah I couldn't wait to tell you!" Klinger said, bouncing with excitement, "I gotta go figure out what he wants me to wear."
"Well knock 'um dead tiger." Ellie Marie teased, leaning over to kiss him before he ran back out the same way he'd come in.
An hour later they were all packed into the Post Op, perched on the edge of patients beds or sitting crossed legged on the floor. Freddy took his spot in the front and spread his arms wide with a huge grin.
"Good evening ladies and germs!" He said boisterously, "I'll tell ya, I planned to have you laying in the aisles by the end of the night, but it looks like someone beat me to it!" They all laughed appreciatively. "I'd like to thank Colonel Potter for the wonderful reception….even though we didn't get married." More laughter, "No but Colonel Potter is really really a great guy, a military genius. First thing he said to me was, 'Gotta get those Krauts.'…..so I bit him. But enough of my bits…..Here's someone you can really sink your teeth into! A hell of a girl! Miss Brandy Doyle!"
They all cheered as Brady ran out from the office, which was serving as their back stage with Ellie Carlyle, their accordion player and performed an extra scandalous song and dance routine that included her shaking her feather boa in Hawkeye's face and tossing her garter to the Colonel, who caught it with a laugh and blushed furiously as they all cat called.
"It hurts when I do this…no…it hurts when I do this…" Klinger muttered from his spot on the floor in front of Ellie Marie. He was staring down at the paper in his hands and repeating his lines furiously, and she had her arms wrapped around him and her chin resting against his shoulder.
"Shut up Klinger." One of the corpsman next to them grumbled.
"I'm rehearsing!" He snapped back.
"You're gonna be fine Sweetheart." Ellie Marie reassured him, kissing his cheek.
Brandy finished her song with a provocative pose and they all cheered.
"Now here's a little something for all you music buffs." She said, "and I outta know, because many a time I've worked to music in the buff." They all laughed and cat called. "Ellie Carlyle and her squeezable Steinway!"
She stepped aside and the accordion player took center stage, as Brandy headed for the office she pointed quickly at Klinger and winked.
"That's your cue Toledo." Ellie Marie said, giving him an encouraging squeeze, "You've got this. I believe in you."
"Oh jeez…." Klinger said nervously, he turned to give her a quick peck, and then got up to follow Brandy back into the office.
"Hi everybody!" Ellie Carlyle said brightly, "I'd like to dedicate this first song to a swell guy…..with a head to match." She shot Charles a pointed grin, and he rolled his eyes and shook his head slightly with a rueful smile as she began to play. As she finished Freddy came running back out in a lab coat and bozo glasses.
"Oi, here we are in the doctor place!" He said loudly, dramatically stumbling, "And I don't got my horse pistol! Oh well….first I guess I need my nurse! Nurse!!" Brandy came running out in a tiny nurse's uniform and they all whistled again.
"Is there something I can do for you doctor?" She purred, putting a hand on Freddy's arm.
"Ooooh ya….we'll talk about that later in your pup tent." He replied, "But first! Bring me the talcum powder!"
"Yes doctor….walk this way…" she said, strutting down the aisle.
"If I could walk that way I would need the talcum powder!" Freddy retorted, to raucous laughter. "But I need a patient! Where's the patient!?"
"Right here…" Brady said, opening the office doors, "Dr. Kindershpeil will see you now!"
Klinger walked in, in a ridiculous oversized suit jacket and they all gave a loud cheer.
"Well young man! What seems to be the prrrrrroblem?" Freddy said, shaking his jowls as he spoke. Klinger's eyes got wide and he froze in place.
"My arm hurts." He said.
"Well then don't do th-" Freddy started to respond, but then he looked at him in confusion, "What?"
"My arm hurts." Klinger repeated.
"Well uh…..dumkopf! Don't you mean to say, it hurts when I do this?" Freddy said, sticking out his arm and looking pointedly at Klinger.
"Then don't do that." Klinger said, and they all roared with laughter.
"Wrong line genius." Freddy murmured, before continuing "that's a lovely jacket you're wearing. Somewhere a horse is freezing." Klinger stared at him.
"I can't remember my line." He whispered.
"Just sit down!" Freddy said in frustration, before turning back to the crowd. Klinger hung his head and came to sit with Ellie Marie.
"I can't believe I bombed…." He said quietly, looking dejected.
"You didn't bomb…" She said, wrapping her arms around him again, "You got the biggest laugh of the night! Besides, you were never the guy that worked off of other people's material, you're best when you're left to your own devices. You're a front man baby, totally one of a kind."
"God I love you." He said with a grin, leaning back to kiss her.
"I love you too. Now take that jacket off, it smells like beer and stale cigarettes."
He laughed and shrugged it off as Freddy continued.
"There's only one cure for that kind of malady." He said, "A pretty girl is gonna come out here and sing us a song to put us all back in good health. Please welcome Miss Sarah Miller!"
They all cheered as Sarah walked out in a bright yellow dress, holding her guitar.
"Thank you!" Sarah said, "I'd like to sing you a song that's very special to me. My brother taught me it. It's called Sweet Molly Malone." She sang the first verse and then looked up and smiled, "you all know this song. Why don't you join me?" They did, and they all sang the chorus happily together, when Sarah stopped again, "My usual singing partner isn't on stage with me tonight, but she is in the audience. Maybe we could persuade her to join me?" They all cheered enthusiastically as she went and sat on the edge of Marina's bed, and the two of them finished the song with perfect harmonies to the cheers and applause of the audience, and Ellie Marie couldn't help but notice the affectionate way Hawkeye watched them.
The next morning the troop packed up their truck and got ready to hit the road and the entire camp came out to send them off.
"Well Sherm, I guess this is the big goodbye." Brandy said, opening her arms to the Colonel for a hug.
"Sayonara, Brandy, Sure glad I had a chance to find out your beauty is more than skin deep." Colonel Potter said, hugging her back.
"Too bad we haven't got any more of that high class hooch of yours." She said with a wink.
"Well at least it gave its life for a good hangover." The Colonel teased. She leaned in and kissed his cheek.
"Goodbye Sherm.." She said.
"Goodbye Miss Brandy." He replied, "If you're ever in Missouri, be sure you look me up."
"You bet I will." She smiled warmly.
"Mildred will cook us up something special."
"Oh…." She said stepping away from him, "Well…in case I don't…goodbye Sherm."
She gave his arm one more squeeze and got on the truck.
Freddy walked over to Max and stuck out his hand. Max reached for it, but at the last second pulled back and grabbed his hand to look for trick buzzers, Freddy laughed.
"No no…for real Max. For real." He chuckled.
"Oh yeah." Klinger said, laughing along with him and shaking his head.
"You keep an eye one this one Miss Ellie." Freddy said, "he's going places."
"Oh I know he is Freddy…." Ellie Marie said, wrapping an arm around Klinger's waist.
"And hey, congrats on your looming nuptials!" He called, as he hopped on the truck, "you really do make a swell couple."
"Bye doctor." Marina said, getting out of her wheelchair, and hugging Hawkeye who had been pushing it.
"Bye bye Marina…" He said, hugging her back. "Thanks for all the help. You were wonderful."
"All aboard Marina!" Freddy called.
"I'll send you a postcard from Time Square." She said to Hawkeye, "At night, with all the lights."
"I'd send you one from the Korean theater, but the same old story…" He replied.
"Well…." She looked up at him, and he sighed.
"Well…break a leg." He said.
"If I do, can you recommend a good doctor?" She teased, and he smiled, giving her one last hug before putting her in the truck.
"Sure is gonna be quiet around here…" The Colonel said, as they pulled out.
"What are you talking about?" Margaret said, "we have a wedding happening in 5 days!"
"Oh…..I'll be honest with all the craziness of the last few days, I completely forgot about the impending matrimony!" The Colonel said, "I guess we'd all better get back to our regularly scheduled frenzy."