Chapter 51
Uijeongbu Korea; May 4th, 1953
"Dammit! Football, basketball and now softball….those gyrenes whip our fannies every time!" Colonel Potter grumbled, glaring out the door of the Officers Club, where the Marines were singing their fight song boisterously.
"Colonel nobody wants to beat them more than I do, but don't get yourself upset. It's only a game." Margaret said.
"You cost us the game!" He snapped back at her, "it's that skylark attitude of yours that got you thrown out at home plate!"
"Colonel….we lost 24-4." Ellie Marie pointed out.
"She killed the rally!" He shot back.
"Murderer." B.J. agreed.
"Hey bartender!" The Marine Sergeant stuck his head in the door and grinned smugly, "charge another round to Potter's wimps!"
"Wimps huh?" Klinger muttered, glaring at him as he laughed and walked back out.
"Oh I'd give a year's retirement pay to find one thing we could whip those weenies at." Colonel Potter growled.
"They're just lucky there aren't any bowling alleys around here. I'd show them a strike or two." Klinger said.
"Bowling huh?" B.J. said, "You're really that good?"
"Oh he is…." Ellie Marie said, "I can vouch for that one. We went a couple times on our honeymoon, he's a ten pin wizard."
"Now wait a minute…I roll a fairly mean hook myself." Colonel Potter said.
"Colonel I'm pretty good at—"
"Hush Maragaret I'm recruiting. Pierce?"
"I don't bowl." Hawkeye said, "Although I once had a perfect score on Lover's Lane…." Ellie Marie rolled her eyes at him.
"Hunnicutt?" Colonel Potter continued.
"I had the third highest average in my league, but that was a while ago." B.J. replied.
"Bowling's like riding a bicycle. You never forget." Colonel Potter said confidently, "How about you Ellie? You just said you and the hubby went together on your honeymoon."
"Oh no sir." She said, raising her hands and stepping back, "I bowl purely for entertainment, if I break a hundred I call it a good day. Besides, when it comes to sports activities around here I'm well aware that my role is the enthusiastic cheerleader in the cute outfits."
"And you do a great job." Klinger said, winking at her.
"Well no matter." Colonel Potter said, undeterred, "We got ourselves three quarters of a team. Shouldn't be a problem finding one more in this whole camp."
"What about me?" Maragaret pouted.
"No, that's fine Margaret, I'll look for them myself." Colonel Potter replied and he stood up and walked to the door, "Hey Pitts! We found a game we're gonna beat you at!" He said to the Sergeant sitting outside.
"Oh yeah? What is it, Tiddlywinks?" Sergeant Pitts retorted, and his men laughed.
"Bowling." Colonel Potter said.
"Bowling?" Pitts repeated with a laugh, "What are you gonna use for an alley? The minefield?"
"I'll handle the alley part." The Colonel snapped, "You just have your best bowlers here a week from today. Are we on or not?"
"Oh we're on." Pitts said, shaking his hand.
——-
"I come bearing lunch!" Ellie Marie said, walking into the main office carrying a plate with a bologna sandwich and pretzels, and bottle of cola.
"Ugh, bless you gorgeous." Klinger said, taking the plate from her and popping a pretzel in his mouth. "It's the beginning of the month, so I've got twice as much work as usual and on top of it, Colonel's got me searching the entire Asian theater for a bowling alley. You know, I like to think I've gotten pretty good at this whole clerking thing, but when it comes to figuring out which channels do go down to find this oddball stuff? I'll never be as good as Radar."
"I mean….a bowling alley is a pretty specific request." Ellie Marie pointed out, "It's not like they just have them laying around. There could very plausibly not be a single one over here." The phone rang.
"Hold that thought baby." He said, grabbing the phone, "Hello M*A*S*H 4077th. Sparky? Oh thank god I was hoping you'd get back to me today. What have you got?….None? Not even in that dive in Seoul that went under? Cuz I'm fine with driving to pick it up….Yeah? Well thanks for trying anyway. Oh, one more thing Sparky. Would you check on that shipment of methylene blue? Major Winchester's still waiting on it. Thanks, Sparky. So long." He hung up the phone just as Colonel Potter walked out of his office.
"Was that, 'Thank you Sparky for the bowling alley?'" He asked.
"No sir," Klinger said, returning to his paperwork and taking a sip of his drink, "Just for some medicine."
"Damn….you're letting me down." Colonel Potter grumbled.
"Hey! Ease up Colonel, he's been trying!" Ellie Marie said defensively.
"Six!" Klinger said, "Six days I've been on this phone! I can safely say there's no bowling alley to be had!"
"What kind of country is it that doesn't have a bowling alley? What do people do on Saturday night?" Colonel Potter said.
"Sir…maybe it's time we give up on this tournament." Ellie Marie said.
"Like hell!" Colonel Potter said, storming out of the office.
A few hours later Klinger and Ellie Marie were standing in the mess tent with Colonel Potter and several others, admiring the Frankenstein creation the Colonel had engineered. He'd laid several wooden slabs end to end and nailed tarps over them tightly to create a slick floor, and lined each of the edges with the benches, flipped on their side.
"Well what do you think of your old C.O. now?" Colonel Potter said with pride.
Klinger grabbed one of the bowling balls and headed to the end of the makeshift lane. He lined up and bowled a perfect strike.
"I gotta hand it to you sir…" He said, grinning at the Colonel, "it works."
"You know it!' Colonel Potter said happily, "anything that hits either bench is a gutter ball. We'll kick those Marines' butts all the way back to the Halls of Montezuma. Goldman! I want twelve coats of wax on this before morning!'
"Yes sir Colonel!" The corpsman said.
"You can wax all you want sir, but that's not gonna get us our fourth bowler." Klinger pointed out, "So far it's still only you, me and Captain Hunnicutt. Everyone else in camp is sick of getting creamed by those Marines."
"Klinger, we're desperate! Just get a fourth body! Anyone will do."
"Colonel, if you're still looking for a bowler, I'm available!" Margaret piped up from her spot at one of the unused tables.
"Not a chance." He replied.
——-
Hawkeye made his way up to the main office. When he walked inside he was surprised to see Klinger sitting there at his desk with his feet propped up reading an old issue of National Geographic.
"Klinger it's 3:30 in the morning, what are you doing up here?" Hawkeye asked.
"Reading about the ritualistic practices of the indigenous tribes of Papua New Guinea." Klinger responded, flipping the page.
"What I mean is, why aren't you in your tent with your wife?" Hawkeye clarified, "Did you guys have a fight or something?"
"Nah, we're good." Klinger said, "She's in there." He motioned towards Colonel Potter's office.
Hawkeye cracked the door and saw Ellie Marie sitting in a similar position to Klinger with her bare feet up on the Colonel's desk, leaning back in his chair with the phone to her ear, and speaking quickly and animatedly in a language he assumed was Arabic.
"We do this every Thursday night, which is Wednesday afternoon my folks time." Klinger explained, "She and my Mom gab away for like an hour and then right at the end she asks to talk to me for like three seconds just to ask how I'm doing and tell me I better be acting like a good husband. You'd think she forgot which of us she actually gave birth to!"
"Don't pretend you don't love it…." Hawkeye said with a smirk.
"Of course I do." Klinger admitted, smiling back.
"What are they talking about in there?" Hawkeye asked, "Sounds like they're arguing."
"They are and they aren't. Ellie's trying to convince Ma that she doesn't need to regrout the entire bathroom for when we get back. She's been going on a remodeling kick, trying to get the house all spruced up so Ellie feels at home there."
"God that's nice…." Hawkeye said with an affectionate sigh.
"Yeah it really is…." Klinger agreed, "So what are you doing up so late?"
"Well….I needed to make a call, and I hate to break up the new family bonding, but it's kind of an emergency."
"Oh jeez…yeah no problem." Klinger said quickly grabbing the phone, and rattling off a string of Arabic. A minute later Ellie Marie walked out of the office looking concerned.
"Hey Hawk, what's up?" She asked, "Is everything ok?"
"I hope so." Hawkeye replied.
"Where'd you want me to route this call through?" Klinger asked, picking up the phone to dial.
"If it's all the same to you, would you mind if I do it?" Hawkeye asked, "I don't wanna come off as ungrateful or anything it's just, this is kind of private. That's one of the reasons I came up here so late."
"Oh." Klinger said, dropping the phone back on the receiver, "Yeah of course, no worries Captain. You know what to do?"
"Pretty sure I just dial the operator and say Hey Sparky right?"
"Yeah, that's the gist of it." Klinger confirmed.
"You'll let us know if there's anything we can do right Hawkeye?" Ellie Marie asked, "I get wanting your privacy, but if you need or want help please make sure you ask ok?"
He gave her a warm smile.
"You got it kid." He said, "but hey one more thing. I don't want anyone else to know about this, ok?'
"Of course." Ellie Marie agreed, "Hope it all works out."
——-
"Padre, you're lofting the ball!" Colonel Potter barked the next morning, as the team warmed up. "Where'd you learn to bowl? A nunnery!"
"Colonel, I don't appreciate your tone!" Father Mulcahy shot back, "especially when I didn't want to be on this team in the first place!"
"You came in here for tryouts!"
"I came in for a Coca Cola!"
"Same thing really…" Ellie Marie teased, from her spot on one of the tables, she'd been roped in to reset pins.
"All ready for practice coach!" B.J. said, striding in with a grin.
"A goofy smile isn't gonna win us this bowling tournament Hunnicutt!" Colonel snapped at him, "Now I want you to show the padre how to set the ball down without lofting it!"
"Oh sure, no problem." B.J. said, he picked up the ball and threw it down the lane, it bounced off both sides multiple times before only taking out three pins, "See no loft."
"Hunnicutt….you bowl like a grade school kid!" Colonel Potter said in exasperation, "I thought you told me you placed third in your league!"
"It was a grade school league." B.J. said, and Colonel Potter groaned.
"In all fairness Colonel, he did say it was a while ago." Ellie Marie pointed out as she reset the pins.
"You wanna take his place Captain?" The Colonel shot back.
"Shutting up." She said, raising her hands in surrender.
"I wanted to beat Pitts so bad…." Colonel Potter sighed sadly.
"Colonel! I gotta talk to you!" Klinger said, running in through the side door.
"You practice!" The Colonel pointed at B.J., "you pray!" He pointed at the Father, "and you get warmed up!" He pointed at Ellie Marie, "you're officially an alternate. At this point someone who can intermittently get above one hundred is better than what we've got."
"I picked up some scam at Rosie's." Klinger said when the Colonel walked over to him, "Guess who's bowling for the gyrenes? Marty Urbancic."
"Urbancic?"
"The Trenton Tornado."
"Eh so what?" Ellie Maire said with a shrug, "I'll put our Toledo Tornado against their Trenton Tornado any day."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence baby." Klinger said with a smile, "But this guys big league. Before the service he placed third in the U.S. Open Bowling Championships. Pitts pulled some strings to get him transferred to his unit."
"A professional…." Colonel Potter grumbled.
"That's disgusting." Ellie Marie agreed.
"Yeah, how low can you get?" B.J. agreed, "…..do we know any?"
"Klinger, can you please take over here and show these yahoos how to not make fools of themselves?" Colonel Potter said tiredly. "I need to go grab a cool glass of water and sit down for a few minutes or my blood pressure is going to hit the roof."
"You got it sir." Klinger said, walking to the end of the lane, "Aww damn, I left my bowling shoes up in the office last night."
"I'll go get them." Ellie Marie offered, hopping up and heading out the door. When she got to the office, she opened the door to come face to face with Charles on his way out.
"What are you doing up here?" She asked. He looked pointedly over his shoulder to where Hawkeye was holding the phone and pacing agitatedly.
"Is this the same call he put through last night?" She asked, and Charles nodded.
"He's been waiting for hours. I was just stepping out to get some coffee." Charles explained.
"How is it that you ended up being his vigil partner?"
"Pure happenstance." Charles replied, "I came in to check on the methylene blue requisition and found him."
"Yes I'm still waiting! Over!" Hawkeye said, impatiently, "and over….and over….and over…"
"Hawk, is there anything I can get you?" She asked, and he looked up at her but then quickly turned his attention back to the phone.
"Hello! Portland General?" He said, "I'm trying to reach my father! Daniel Pierce! Over!" He covered the mouthpiece and looked back at them, "I got the hospital!"
"The hospital?" Ellie Marie said in confusion and alarm, looking at Charles, "is his Dad ok?"
"He doesn't know yet." Charles explained.
"She's ringing the room." Hawkeye said over his shoulder, "Hello Dad!? Wait…who's this? No no no no no! I can't clear the line I'm——Now come on operator, just give me a minute will you!?….Well can't the general wait? My father's gonna be on in just a—-Hello? Hello!?" He slammed the phone down into the receiver and cursed. "I was this close!"
"Hawk…what's going on?' Ellie Marie asked, "I won't tell anyone I swear, not even Max if you don't want me to." He sighed.
"I got a letter from my father yesterday telling me he had to have surgery," He explained, "and thanks to the fact that the U.S. Army postal system in only slightly less incompetent than the U.S. Army phone system," He glared at the receiver, "it got here the day before he was supposed to go in!"
"Well does it say what he's having surgery for?"
"Do you think I'd be sitting here having a panic attack trying to get through to the hospital if he gave me details!?" Hawkeye snapped back angrily, but then he looked down and shook his head, taking a deep steadying breath, "I'm sorry Ellie." He said more calmly, "Here you are being a good friend and showing concern and I'm biting your head off for it."
"It's ok Hawk." She said, "I can't imagine how frustrating it must be. If someone I loved was in the hospital and I couldn't get info on them, I'd be losing my mind too." The phone rang again.
"4077th M*A*S*H!" Hawkeye said grabbing it, "Yes, this is Captain Pierce, who's this?" That's great! Thank you Thank you!….Ham operator in Portland." He explained to them, "He picked up my call and he's ringing the hospital now….Hello? This is Captain Pierce calling from Korea. Please don't cut me off! I understand that my father Dr. Daniel Pierce is in for an operation, and I'd like to speak to him please…..They're putting me though….Hello Dad?? Oh….Who's this?…..When did he go in? Yeah alright. Well look, I'm his son, and I'm a physician. What can you tell me about his condition?….I see. Thank you nurse, goodbye…..Operator I'd like to place this call again in about an hour or two. Thanks." He hung up the phone and looked down with a heavy sigh.
"They did an I.V.P." he explained, "and they found a mass on his kidney."
"Oh Hawk…." Ellie Marie said sympathetically.
"And when they opened him up they found a pheochromocytoma." Hawkeye continued.
"Alright….well that's…that's delicate work." Charles said gently, "but if they're careful, and take their time they should be able to get it out without any trouble.
"And if they make a mistake it could kill him." Hawkeye replied, "I can't believe he's doing this to me again."
"What do you mean?" Ellie Marie asked.
"One morning when I was 10, my dad made me breakfast. A bowl of cornflakes. And I….I asked him why Mom wasn't making breakfast that morning. He said she wasn't feeling well, but it was nothing. A few days later he made me scrambled eggs and bacon and said Mom was in the hospital, but it was nothing to worry about. By the time he was up to French toast and sausages Mom was gone. He never wanted me to worry. Nothing's changed since I was 10….This is just another fancy breakfast."
"Hawkeye….." Ellie Marie said, "can I please give you a hug?" He didn't look up, but he nodded. She went over and wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him tightly. He threw one arm around her shoulders in return.
"No matter what happens, we're here for you ok?" She said quietly against his chest.
"Yeah I know…."
She pulled back and looked up at him.
"I'll be in the mess tent. If you need me, and I'll check back in a few hours. Anything you need ok?"
He nodded again, and she grabbed Klinger's bowling bag from next to the desk and headed back out. When she got close she saw Margaret storming out the doors looking furious.
"Major? What's up?" She asked.
"I'll tell you what's up!" She snapped, "my blood! It's boiling!"
"Oh no….what'd they do this time?" Ellie Marie asked, "was it Max? He gets all smart mouthed when it comes to anything that brings him back to Toledo."
"For once, no. Your husband is not the source of my frustration, this time it's our dunder headed Commanding Officer! Do you know what he just suggested??"
"Why do I get the feeling I don't want to?"
"Apparently while I'm not worthy enough to be on the precious bowling team, he's happy to suggest that I use my 'womanly wiles' to get Sergeant Urbancic drunk off his butt and unfit to perform tomorrow!"
"He did what??" Ellie Marie asked incredulously.
"You know if I weren't an Army girl through and through I'd almost hope the Marines flattened them tomorrow." Margaret muttered, "It'd serve them right." She shot one more glare at the tent and then stalked off.
Ellie Marie walked into the mess tent to find all four team members standing at the end of the alley. She put her hands on her hips and glared at Colonel Potter.
"Are you actually out of your mind?" She asked.
———-
"Here's to Marty Urbancic!" A marine cheered loudly from the bar at Rosie's, raising his glass towards a man that Ellie Marie was fairly certain was half gorilla, "The Trenton Tornado! Knocks down the beer like he knocks down the pins!" Urbancic gave a loud yell and crushed a beer can on his forehead.
"How could Colonel Potter suggest I'd even speak to such a barbarian?" Margaret muttered, glaring over at him.
In solidarity, and protest for the indecent suggestion the Colonel had made, Ellie Marie had ditched the bowling team and accompanied Margaret to the bar.
"We're gonna whip those doctors sorry behinds." One of the Marines said confidently.
"Well what do you expect from a bunch of guys who go to work wearing gowns and play baseball with nurses?" Another said, and they all laughed.
"Yeah, I heard their star bowler is a fruitcake that used to run around dressed in drag." The first one replied.
"Alright, come on fellas…Let's go practice." Sergeant Pitts said, sending a smug look in Margaret and Ellie Marie's direction as they left.
"Vermin." Margaret said, glaring at them.
"You think this is bad? Imagine what they'll be saying about us all over Korea after we lose…."
"They haven't won yet…." Margaret said fiercely, and she pushed herself up from the table and walked to the bar intentionally bumping into Urbancic as she leaned over, "Oh! Excuse me!" She said with a light giggle.
"Excuse me, doll face." He said with a smile.
"Not at all…." She replied, beaming back, "It's such a pleasure to bump into someone as famous as Marty Urbancic!"
Ellie Marie shook her head and walked out of the bar and back down the road towards camp. She noticed that the mess tent was now empty and she saw Colonel Potter headed towards his tent.
"Practice over Colonel?" She asked, and he sighed.
"Yeah….there's no use in keepin' their nose to the grindstone. They're not getting any better. All I can do now is hope for a miracle while we sleep."
"Well….I can give you a small one." Ellie Marie said, "Margaret is currently down at Rosie's charming the pants off of Urbancic. Figuratively of course."
"She is?" The Colonel said, looking up hopefully, "what in San Hill made her do that? I thought she was madder than a cobra in a pit over even the suggestion."
"She was." Ellie Marie confirmed, "but then she heard those Marines bad mouth all of you doctors. You know her camp loyalty is just as strong as yours Colonel, maybe even stronger. She deserves more credit than you give her." Colonel Potter sighed.
"You're probably right." He agreed, "I'll be the first to admit I've let the competitiveness of this thing turn me into a right jackass. I'll be sure to give her my mea culpa in the morning before we start."
"Good to hear sir." Ellie Marie said. She turned and walked up the hill to stick her head in the office door. Hawkeye was sitting in the desk chair and Charles was leaning against the desk next to him.
"Any word yet?" She asked.
"The lines are down again." Hawkeye said, "big offensive going through so they need all air waves. Said it might not be until morning, but they're trying to push it through.
"I'm sorry Hawk." She said sympathetically, "Anything I can get for either of you?"
"Nah….Charles has been keeping us in coffee and I couldn't eat right now even if I wanted to. Go home and get some rest."
"Alright. Will do." She replied.
She walked back down the hill and to the road on the left which led to her tent. When she opened her front door she saw Klinger sitting at their dining room table in just a pair of shorts polishing his bowling ball.
"Hey love, you ready for tomorrow?" She asked.
"Sure am baby." He said with a smile, "don't know if we'll win, but I plan on giving them a run for their money either way."
She walked over to him and cupped his face in her hands, kissing him slowly and deliberately.
"What was that for?" He said with a smirk as she pulled back.
"I just love ya, that's all." She replied.
———
"Alright, enough of the warm ups, Pitts. The time has come!" Colonel Potter barked the next morning, as they all stood around the mess tent.
"I can't start yet! The guys haven't found my ace!" Sergeant Pitts replied.
As he was speaking, two of his men came through the doors carrying Urbancic between them, looking like he'd been run over by a truck.
"What the hell happened to you?" Sergeant Pitts snapped, but Urbancic's only response was to groan. "Get over there and sit down!" Pitts muttered, shaking his head.
"Margaret….you did your bowling captain proud," Colonel Potter said quietly, as she came to stand beside him.
"I didn't do it for my bowling captain, I did it for my unit. So don't blow it." She said tersely, walking away.
"Marty, where have you been?" Sergeant Pits asked, walking over to the bench, Urbancic looked up at him blearily and began to slump sideways off the bench, "No no no you don't!" Sergeant Pitts said, grabbing his shoulder to prop him up.
They set the line up and began the game, Ellie Marie was still holding out hope as the bowling began, but as the first three teammates bowled things started to look grim.
"First frame and they're killin' us!" Colonel Potter grumbled, "thanks to you and your big fat zero!" He glared at Hunnicutt. "Next time, keep those big gunboats of yours behind the foul line!"
"Sorry, when I was in sixth grade I only wore size 11s" B.J. replied.
"You're up son." Colonel Potter said, patting Klinger's shoulder, "Go get 'em tiger."
"Ye sir." Klinger said, "One for good luck?" He leaned over to Ellie Marie who kissed him quickly.
"You've got this Toledo. Knock 'um dead." She said.
"Now bear down," Colonel Potter said to him, "The only chance we've got is if you can really skunk red-eyes Urbancic."
"Keep your feet behind the line." B.J. interjected.
"We're counting on you Klinger!" Father Mulcahy added.
Klinger nodded and walked over to the end of the lane, as he did one of the Marines sidled up to Ellie Marie.
"Saw you plant one on the lil fairy boy clerk." He said.
"Oh wow….you have eyes. Impressive." She said back, not looking away from Klinger.
"You know he used to prance around in dresses right?"
"He never pranced." She corrected, "he wore the hell out of them. Especially the ones with sequins."
"Say…if we win, how'd you like come out to celebrate with us? Find out what it's like to be with a real man?"
"If you happen to find one somewhere let me know." She retorted, as Klinger stepped up to bowl.
He took aim and hit a perfect strike. The tent erupted in cheers as he threw his hands in the air.
"I got a strike against Marty Urbancic!" He yelled excitedly, he ran back over and picked Ellie Marie up swinging her around.
"How's that for a real man?" She shot over her shoulder at the Marine, "what was your score again Private? Seven pins?" He rolled his eyes at her and walked away.
"You're up champ." Sergeant Pitts said to Urbancic.
"And no fair knocking them over with your breath!" Klinger heckled.
"Come on Marty….roll it down the middle!" One of the Marines cheered.
Urbancic stepped up and bowled a strike of his own.
"That's for you doll face!" He said, pointing at Margaret.
"I really hate that that oversized gorilla stole my line…." Ellie Marie muttered, and Klinger gave her an appreciative squeeze.
Attention! Incoming wounded! Some North Koreans really knocked these guys off their pins!
"Pitts! You and your bowlers lend us a hand!" Colonel Potter said, as they all ran out of the tent.
"You got it." Pitts replied, "Come on boys!"
Two hours later they all slumped onto the scrub room benches exhausted and sore from head to toe.
"Colonel….I'm not going to be able to continue in the tournament…Carrying litters has exacerbated my blisters." Father Mulcahy said wearily.
"I can't believe this…"Colonel Potter grumbled, "Alright we need a new bowler. Ellie, you're up. You can't be worse than old clod hoppers Hunnicutt here. At least your feet are half the size."
"Colonel you're too kind…." B.J. muttered from his spot next to him with his eyes closed.
"Why don't you at least give me a chance to show you what I can do?" Margaret protested.
"I've seen what you can do." The Colonel shot back.
"That was in softball!" She whined.
"Come on Colonel…give her a chance." Ellie Marie said.
"Eh what the heck….couldn't hurt." Colonel Potter sighed.
"Hey watch it!" Urbancic grumbled, from his spot leaning against the door frame, as Klinger came bustling into the room. Klinger gave him a look but otherwise ignored him. Hawkeye looked up hopefully as soon as he walked in.
"Did my call come through?" He asked.
"Not yet sir." Klinger said apologetically, and Hawkeye slumped in disappointment.
"He's gonna be ok, Hawk." Ellie Marie murmured, gently squeezing his forearm.
"Major Winchester, thought you'd wanna know that your methylene blue just arrived." Klinger said, handing him a box.
"Perfect. We'll start Private Selkirk on it right away." Charles replied, "Uh, Colonel I was thinking. Now that the methylene blue has arrived, there might be some others in the camp who could benefit from its effects."
"Oh I'm dead on my gunboats." B.J. agreed, "I sure could use one of those magic little pepper uppers."
Ellie Marie looked up at him in confusion, but Charles caught her eye and gave the tiniest little shake of his head.
"Here you go." Charles said, popping the bottle and tossing him one.
"Perfect." B.J. said, throwing it in his mouth, "One of these little beauties and I'll be good for four or five more games. Easily."
"Hey…." Urbancic said, "how about one of those for me?"
"Oh….I don't know…" Charles said, shaking his head.
"Come on. I helped with your wounded didn't I?"
"Oh fine…." Charles handed him a pill, "I hate to hear a Marine whimper."
"Thanks for the pick me up Doc." Urbancic said with a smug smile, and he turned and walked out through the office door.
"What the hell was that?" Ellie Marie asked when he'd gone.
"Yeah, who's side are you guys on anyways?" Klinger said, "Giving him a pep pill…"
"Max, those pills do nothing for pep, I promise." Ellie Marie told him.
"So what do they do?"
"They turn your urine blue." B.J. said.
"What?" Klinger said, looking around at them in confusion.
————
The mess tent erupted with cheers as Klinger bowled another strike.
"That was terrific Toledo!" Ellie Marie said, as he came back over to stand with them.
"How we doing?" He asked.
"A better grade of lousy than before." Colonel Potter said with a sigh.
"Hey Marty! How bout another beer?" One of the Marines called.
"Heh. Don't mind if I do…" Urbancic said loudly,"but first I gotta go make room for it.
He walked out the door of the mess tent, and B.J. grinned mischievously. Sure enough a few seconds later they hear Urbancic's shout.
"Oh my God!"
"And he's just visited the land of sky blue waters…." B.J. muttered.
"Sounds like it…" Ellie Marie agreed.
Urbancic walked back inside looking pale.
"What's up Marty?" Another marine asked.
"Uhh…um…my insides….I'm…I'm turning blue inside!"
"Blue you say?" B.J. said, walking over to him with a look of concern, he put an arm around him and led him away from his fellow Marines.
"Yeah…"
"Uh oh…sounds like Kotchner's Syndrome."
"What's that?" Urcbancic asked, looking nervous.
"It's a rare degenerative neurological disorder that usually attacks men about your age in the….well in the bathroom." B.J. explained.
"Is it serious?"
"Well….it's imperative that you avoid any undue bending at least….what do you think Colonel? A week?"
"That's what the latest treatments are saying." Colonel Potter confirmed, "a week minimum."
"Bending?" Urbancic asked, still looking confused.
"Yes." B.J. said, "to avoid your kidneys…."
"You don't want your ribs putting pressure on your kidneys." Ellie Marie supplied.
"Yes, exactly." B.J. said, pointing at her, "What she said."
"Then I can't bowl…." Urbancic said, sitting down heavily on the bench.
"Oh no! Would that affect your bowling?" B.J. said in surprise, "Gee…I didn't even think of that…"
"I gotta go tell Pitts…" Urbancic said, shaking his head.
"Oh….I wouldn't recommend that if I were you." B.J. said quickly, and Urbancic looked up at him in confusion.
"This isn't exactly the kind of malady that's talked about openly among nice people like Marines." Ellie Marie said bracingly.
"Say it's something a little less embarrassing….like V.D." Klinger suggested.
"Yeah….that'd work." Urbancic said, nodding his head, "Thanks Docs."
"I think I got a bag of rocks in my tent that could give that boy a run for his money in the brains department." Colonel Potter muttered, as Urbancic walked back to the other end of the tent where Sergeant Pitts had just come in.
"Come on Marty…you're up!" He said.
"Uh…Sarg, I think I need to drop out." Urbancic said.
"Are you crazy? You're my ace!" Pitts snapped, "I had to bribe everybody between here and New Jersey to get you in this tournament! So you're gonna bowl unless you got a reason and a half! Now what's the matter?"
"It's not really anything…." Urbancic mumbled.
He stepped up to the line, and Ellie Marie had to bite back a laugh as he tried to execute an almost impressively awkward throw without bending at the waist at all. The ball rolled directly into the side.
"Aww….what a shame." Klinger said smugly.
"Alright, last bowler for the 4077th is Major Houlihan!"
"Houlihan?" One of the marines heckled, "Thought she was still someplace between third and home plate!"
All of the marines laughed as Margaret glared at him and took her place at the end of the lane. As she did Ellie Marie looked up and saw Charles and Hawkeye walk in at the back of the room. She raised her eyebrows in an unspoken question, and Hawkeye responded by giving her a thumbs up and a smile. She put a hand over her heart and gave an exaggerated sigh of relief that made him chuckle and shake his head affectionately. Margaret took her place at the end of the lane.
"Come on…come on…." Colonel Potter muttered, grabbing Klinger's arm as they watched with bated breath.
Margaret lined up and let her ball fly. It slid perfectly down the center of the line for a strike. Klinger and Colonel Potter grabbed each other jumping and shouting with excitement.
"WE WON! WE WON!" Margaret screamed, launching herself into B.Js arms where he picked her up and hoisted her onto his shoulder with a victory cheer.
"We finally put the lid on those jarheads!" Colonel Potter shouted happily.
"How's it feel to lose to a bunch of wimps?" B.J. asked, grinning at Sergeant Pitts.
"Not to mention a doll face." Margaret said, shooting a look at Urbancic.
"Make that two doll faces." Ellie Marie added, slipping an arm around Klinger's waist and kissing him.
——-
"Pitts! My glass is empty!" Klinger yelled, holding it up high so the Sergeant could see it from the other side of the bar.
"How many of those are you gonna drink?" Pitts grumbled.
"How much money you got?" Klinger shot back with a smile.
"Fill 'em up…." Pitts sighed and Rosie brought over another round.
"Hey guys! Guess what? I'm cured!" Urbancic said, running up to their table.
"Ah, no more blues in the night?" Ellie Marie asked.
"You're a lucky man." B.J. added.
"Boy I'll tell you, it's a load off my mind…." Urbancic said with a smile, "thanks again Doc's!"
"Anytime…"B.J. said, raising his glass.
"I still can't believe you bums pulled that one off all on your own." Klinger said, looking from B.J. to Charles, "My little schemers are all grown up and planning their own cons…..I'm so proud." He put a hand over his heart, and they all laughed appreciatively.
"Well we learned it all by watching you Dad…." Charles teased, taking a sip of his drink.
"So Major you never did tell us," Colonel Potter said, turning to Margaret, "Where'd you learn to bowl like that?"
"What do you think Marty and I did last night?" She said, "Between drinks, he taught me everything he knew."
"Well look at you Major….getting pretty sneaking over there yourself." Ellie Marie teased.
"I propose a toast!" Colonel Potter said, raising his glass, "to the 4077th. May we always come together to make our dreams a reality."
"No matter how sneaky and underhanded our methods." B.J. added, and they all laughed and raised their glasses.