CHAPTER 6: Big Brothers Can Never Rest
"You look fresh," Kankuro noticed wryly, and Gaara stared daggers at him.
"A rough night at Naruto's, I take?" Kankuro winked playfully. "Glad you guys could talk it through."
"What?" Gaara squinted, perplexed. "Are you insane?"
"Well, you definitely weren't here last night, that's all I know," the brunet defended, and looked at him strangely.
"Whatever, it's none of your business anyway," Gaara retorted, and went to the kitchen cabinet to have a pain killer.
"Don't give me that attitude, I care about you, you know?" Kankuro sighed, gritting his teeth. "You reek of old booze. Are you sure everything is alright?"
"None of your business," Gaara repeated.
"Do you wanna end up like mom?" Kankuro accused mercilessly.
"Fuck off, I don't need you moralizing me today. As if you're a saint yourself," Gaara cursed, his anger boiling.
"Don't take that tone with me. You know I'm right," Kankuro reminded him with a hard look.
But Gaara stared back, defiant and fearless. "Yada yada! Shut up!"
"You…" Kankuro seethed, closing in on his little brother. Gaara let him, but didn't show submission.
"Yeah, yeah, do what you always do! Why don't you rape me as well, while you're at it? See if I give a shit!" Gaara yelled, blazing with defiance.
But Kankuro stopped, mouth hanging open. With a look of deep worry, he stared at his little brother, all anger gone. When Gaara just kept on staring daggers at him, Kankuro embraced him tenderly, and caressed his hair.
"I'm sorry," was the first thing Kankuro whispered after a long silence.
Gaara let him hug him, and closed his eyes. His big brother's motherly, protective caresses felt safe, yet an old sorrow was pushing to the surface. The memory of Leo the Turtle lying on the playhouse floor came back, haunting as ever, and Gaara only wanted to forget.
The look of worry, empathy and understanding on Kankuro's face haunted him, and the way he held him gently, felt so safe and protective. He felt like crying — why exactly, he couldn't tell — and he swallowed, trying to smother it. As Kankuro murmured something protectively, while caressing his hair, something inside let loose and Gaara began to weep.
Kankuro squeezed him and kissed the top of his head. Without success, Gaara tried to hold back the tears and sobs.
"It's alright," Kankuro whispered tenderly.
But the empathy and consolation started to feel uncomfortable for Gaara, as if having someone correctly recognize his emotions and respond to them accordingly, would be an unfamiliar occurrence and therefore a threat. With newfound irritation, he broke free from the embrace.
"Shut up, stupid, you know nothing! Stop being such a mother hen," Gaara screeched, wiping his tears. "Hurt me… for good," he ordered.
If it was possible, Kankuro looked even more worrisome. "Let's talk instead."
"No talking. Cut me. It's an order. Do it," Gaara growled, and took a knife from the nearby knife block. He put it in Kankuro's hand, and took off his shirt.
"Here," Gaara gestured towards his chest, "Don't be gentle. Make me feel alive. Let's play father and son again. I'll make you come."
With bottomless sorrow, Kankuro looked at his little brother. He put the knife away.
"Here's what we do. You put that shirt back on. Then we go to your room, and we lay down."
It got Gaara to follow him. In his room, the redhead lay down on the bed. Kankuro put a blanket over him, and then lay down next to him. Neither of them spoke, but Kankuro kept on hugging his little brother. Gaara didn't weep again, and his defiance and anger slowly faded away.
A few hours later, Gaara's phone rang. Kankuro, who was closer to the bedside table, reached out for it.
"It's Naruto," he noted.
Tiredly, Gaara answered. "Hello."
"Hi Gaara, it's Naruto here," carried from the other end of the line. "I was just calling to ask what time you'll be here. I'm looking forward to making that pizza with you."
"I got the ingredients," Gaara only responded, and continued, "I'll send Kankuro to bring them to you. Something came up. I'm sorry." Before his friend could reply, he hung up.
Pleadingly, he turned to his brother. "I can't drive today. Would you be so kind and do this one thing for me?"
"Alright," Kankuro sighed, and kissed his little brother's forehead. "You rest here. I'll take care of everything, okay?"
"Thanks," Gaara whispered, and closed his eyes.
At Naruto's door, Kankuro had a moment to feel slightly awkward before the doorbell was answered.
"Hi Kankuro, come on in," Naruto welcomed him with a warm smile.
"E-eh, I'm just a courier," Kankuro belittled modestly.
"Nonsense. Please come in," the blond repeated, and gave him a hanger for his jacket.
"This looks like a very nice place," Kankuro praised, "Gaara told me you moved here recently."
"Yeah, I did, and thanks. I've enjoyed it here so far," Naruto grinned, and politely took the bag of groceries from Kankuro, and led the way to the kitchen.
"So, um," Kankuro stammered, feeling a bit awkward as he stood there idly in the kitchen with his little brother's friend. "Gaara said he was very sorry. Something came up. He wanted you to have these groceries, however. Maybe I should get going, you must be busy."
"Nonsense," Naruto waved it off, as he rolled up his sleeves and washed his hands in the kitchen sink. "Would you be so kind and help me with the pizza? I'd be delighted to have you as my company today."
"Er, well, if you insist, I'd be more than happy to stay," Kankuro gave in shyly, and washed his hands in turn.
In a comfortable silence, Kankuro started chopping down the salad, and Naruto began spreading toppings on the pre-made pizza bottom.
"Ooh, I love pineapple," Kankuro rejoiced with a warm grin.
"It's the best, isn't it," Naruto chuckled, and showed him the blue cheese.
"Oh my goodness, that is heavenly," the brunet drooled, and his stomach grumbled in agreement.
While the pizza was in the oven, Naruto was setting the glasses on the table. Kankuro followed his work with his gaze, and it was then he noticed two lit candles on the table. It made him smile shortly, as he realized they were meant for Gaara and the blond. Naruto seemed to notice them too, right then, as he embarrassedly blew them out.
"Would you prefer red wine or artisan beer?" Naruto asked, showcasing the bottles for his guest.
"Um, whichever is alcohol free. I'm driving," Kankuro said.
Naruto nodded, and placed a bottle of artisan beer next to Kankuro's plate. After some hesitation, he decided to put the wine away altogether, and settled for the alcohol free beer himself, too.
When the pizza was out of the oven, they sprinkled some salad and crushed nachos on top of it. A touch of salad dressing crowned the dish.
It tasted as heavenly as Kankuro had imagined, and the beer wasn't bad, either. With sorrow, he felt bad for Gaara for missing out something so special as this. It was obvious Naruto had put a lot of effort on this day, given the wine and the candles. Kankuro wondered if Naruto had to be disappointed to dine with him instead. The uncertainty must've shone on his face, as Naruto regarded him kindly.
"Hey, no need to feel bad about how things turned out. I'm grateful to have you here. Without you, I would've been all alone, and wouldn't that be sad?" Naruto chuckled.
"I know," Kankuro smiled shortly. "This is a very nice day, thank you."
"Hey, you're welcome, and thank you, my man. Gaara and I have been friends for a long time already, so I think it's time to get to properly know you as well," Naruto chatted.
"I can say the same," Kankuro nodded.
"So… I'm just curious, what came up this time, if I may ask?" Naruto wondered, and poured the last of his beer into his glass.
"Ah, it was just…"
"Something with his fiancée?" Naruto guessed.
"Fiancée…?"
"Look, it's alright. I totally understand that fiancées come before your friends. That's just how the world works," Naruto understood submissively, with a hint of resentment.
"They are not engaged," Kankuro corrected flatly, and pierced his pizza slice with his fork like a scorpion stinging its prey. With a mysterious, chilling look in his eyes, he added, "Besides, there's no girl, but a guy, and that man will be out of the picture very soon."
"Um… that man?" Naruto repeated, and momentarily stopped cutting his pizza with his cutlery.
"Yeah," Kankuro confirmed, inspecting Naruto's reactions keenly.
Naruto blushed, and resumed eating in silence, avoiding eye contact. Kankuro stared at him with a smug smirk.
"You're smitten about him, aren't ya?"
"W-What?" Naruto coughed and blushed even more, and without realizing it, he glanced at the blown out candles. "We're friends."
"Is that really so?" Kankuro wondered darkly. "Well, I guess wine and candles are just a normal occurrence at a friend's dinner."
"I'm afraid you read too much into it," Naruto corrected with a hint of nervousness. "Kankuro, I've been friends with Gaara for a long time, and I'm afraid you might not know everything there is going on in my life. I cherish our friendship, and I don't intend to hurt your brother."
But Kankuro only stared at him sharply, and pointed his fork at him between mouthfuls. "You don't fool me, kiddo. I've seen the way you look at him. Ask him out. He'd be delighted."
Naruto visibly paled, and coughed, until a sip of beer calmed it down. "If I were you, I'd be more tactful when interpreting other people. Please keep your notions to yourself. I beg you, Kankuro."
With a frown, Kankuro let the matter be for now.
After they had eaten, Naruto was collecting the dishes from the table. "Would you be so kind and take some of the leftover pizza for Gaara?"
"It'd be my pleasure, and I'm sure Gaara would appreciate it as well," Kankuro agreed.
In the hall, Kankuro was putting on his jacket. Like a polite host, Naruto was helping him.
"Naruto, you're a good kid. I've always liked you," Kankuro confessed. "Remember, you don't fool me one bit, blondie. Ask him out."
"Please, I beg you to keep your persistent ideas only to yourself," Naruto whispered, as if the world would overhear otherwise. "Kankuro, I know you only mean well. But stay out of this, please."
Kankuro frowned, staring at the blond. "I don't get it. Why are you holding back? Is it an insecurity thing, or something?"
Naruto blushed, and covered his face in his hands for a moment. After a deep breath, he met Kankuro's evaluative stare again. "Not everyone views the world from your perspective, Kankuro. Please be mindful of my wish to keep your notions only to yourself."
"Hey, it's your loss. I'm just so tired of the cat and mouse game you guys keep up," he sighed, and patted Naruto's shoulder. When Naruto was gently yet determinedly pushing him out of the door, no doubt a nonverbal cue to keep his nose out of it, Kankuro flashed him an understanding, brotherly smile.
"Anyway, gotta go. See you later."
"See ya," Naruto waved as a goodbye.
Back at home, Gaara was still in bed. Constantly, his thoughts got directed at his blond friend. Kankuro sure took his time. He was a good, protective brother. A part of him would always blindly adore him.
But now, all Gaara wanted was to numb himself and forget everything. Within his head, he told all his parts to disappear for eternity. More than anything, he was tired. Tired of the conflicting emotions, of the lack of stability. He wanted to travel back in time, crawl back into the womb and be reborn as someone with a healthy brain.
Like a nuisance, a feminine presence swelled inside, co-existing right on the border of his consciousness. This had to be unreal. His life was good and his childhood had been alright as well. There was no real reason for all this complexity.
Again, his thoughts began circling around Naruto. Losing resistance, he let them loose. May the world burn down, he couldn't care less. Again, the sense of breasts and hips and long hair returned, and he felt sick. A part in him yearned burningly for his friend, there were pleasant aches in his body that begged for release. As he tried easing his emotions by touching his chest, there was nothing there, and it hurt — like an itch you couldn't scratch.
He tried touching himself down there, but pulled his hand away in disgust — it didn't feel correct, he had the wrong body parts. The pleasure didn't feel where it should be, and it disgusted him to touch a body that didn't feel like his own.
Inside himself, she pined and begged, and there was nothing he could do. It was hell, and he wondered, if after all these years, he was transgender after all. Was it possible to be a late bloomer in things like these? The idea scared and sickened him, and he felt like cutting himself just to have a distraction.
Whatever part in him was screaming for a relief that couldn't be achieved, was driving him crazy. Like a snake, another sensation slithered up his spine, to the back of his head, and batted its eyelashes submissively at him. It felt like a version of himself, but oh how he was young? As if he was in his teens again, and even when he pinched himself, the sensation stayed.
His physical body felt like his own again, but oh how had it slightly aged. It felt strange, like not himself, but at least the gender was the same this time. He batted his eyelashes, he felt so eager, so submissive, and imagined it was Naruto with him on this bed, tying him down, and forcing him to do salacious acts.
Soon he reached his fulfillment, and it was peaceful in his head for a while. Swaying in the waves of euphoria, he swore he'd let Naruto have whatever way he preferred with him. It felt like Naruto was so much older than him, a grown man with a steady job, while he was just an adventurous teenager himself, was he? No, he wasn't, it could not be correct. It was just a glitch, right?
Before going back home, Kankuro stopped at Kiba's.
"Hey, bro, come on in," Kiba greeted, wiping off the crumbs of chips from his shirt quickly, feeling self-conscious. "Are you looking for Gaara? He's not here."
"No, I'm not looking for him. I'm actually here to see you," Kankuro confessed.
"Oh, always a pleasure," Kiba smiled, and his tired face looked less worn out. "Wanna play tonight as well?"
"Nah, I think I have to pass this time, although it was fun indeed. You're a great player, and a remarkable team leader," Kankuro praised.
Kiba was smiling from ear to ear, "Now, you're being too kind to me."
"Nonsense, don't belittle yourself," Kankuro reminded, and smiled shortly. "Anyways, Gaara was here last night, unless I'm mistaken?"
"Yeah, he was," Kiba nodded, and blushed a bit.
"Aw, young love," Kankuro winked, but there was something unreadable in his gaze.
Kiba blushed even more, changing his weight from leg to another.
"Did you guys have fun?" Kankuro teased, smirking.
"Uh-huh," Kiba nodded shyly, his face all red by now.
"But you were at the games all night long, how did you have time for some fun?" Kankuro wondered aloud.
There was a perplexed look on Kiba's face, and he frowned. "There were moments when I wasn't at the games that we spent together."
"Were there?" Kankuro pondered, scratching his head. "All I know is that Gaara came back home reeking of old booze, feeling like shit."
"He did?" Kiba got worried, and stopped fidgeting for a while.
Kankuro stared at him sternly. "You had sex with him."
Kiba blushed brilliant red. "S-So what? He's my boyfriend."
The look Kankuro was giving him only turned grimmer. "He was drunk. You asked for his consent, did you?"
"Of course I did," Kiba exclaimed in panic, staring at the older man. "I would never hurt him."
"Look, I believe what you say. But you can never mess with drunk people, because they are not in their right minds. You can't trust their consent, do you understand?" Kankuro said coldly, calmly.
It seemed to irritate Kiba, and the fidgeting began again. "I have done nothing wrong. I know Gaara, and he gave me consent. I care about him. I would never hurt him."
"I don't doubt you, Kiba. But can you tell me what could've made Gaara feel so devastated after last night?" Kankuro closed in.
"Beats me," Kiba shrugged, avoiding eye contact. "He was maybe a little drunk, but he gave me his consent. We had only a quickie, because he didn't seem that into it at that time, you know? But I was really gentle, and I even cleaned him up afterwards, and tucked him in." Now, his voice was trembling.
Kankuro stared at him coldly. "He was not that into it?"
"Uh-huh," Kiba muttered.
"Did it cross your mind to stop it, or even not do it to begin with, when you noticed he was not that into it?" Kankuro pressed.
"Look, he was drunk, I thought it was because of that, you know? I mean, I know he enjoyed it, as well," Kiba defended.
"So, what you are telling me, is that you had decided to carry it out regardless of his uncooperativeness," Kankuro recited sternly.
Now Kiba met his gaze, he seemed frustrated. "Look, it was just a quickie. I had consent. No harm was done."
"No harm was done? Have you forgotten that I told you Gaara was feeling very distraught when he came back home? What part of that are you not understanding?" Kankuro asked again, his patience wearing thin.
"I understand it. But I'm not responsible for Gaara's emotions. I did nothing wrong," Kiba defended, and crossed his arms.
"No, you don't seem to understand it at all," Kankuro corrected, his gaze full of anger and disdain. "Look, young man. Here's what we do. You disappear permanently from Gaara's life on this very second. You won't text him, you won't call him, you won't reply to him. If you see him in the grocery store, you will change aisles, is that clear?" Kankuro demanded.
"That's absurd. You can't order me — or Gaara — around like that. We're grown ups, and it's none of your business," Kiba reminded, seething anger.
"Do I have to spell it out for you even more clearly? If you don't cut all contact with him, guys with motorcycles are gonna pay your mom a visit very soon," Kankuro growled. "Your late father's debt is still unpaid, and they have been very patient so far."
Kiba paled, and took a step back. "It has nothing to do with us. Father is long dead. Stay away from my mom."
"They have a long memory," was all Kankuro responded. "And long tendrils. All I need to tell them is that your mom got a small inheritance from her sister, and they'll be on their way."
"You wouldn't," Kiba stammered. "She needs that money for her knee surgery. The situation is dire, she's in constant pain. I'm in no financial position to help her out. You gotta see that?"
"Oh, I do, I do," Kankuro understood, and smirked. "And surely you understand as well, that from now on, you will completely cease to exist from Gaara's life."
"F-Fine, you bastard," Kiba spat furiously. "But I won't forget this!"
"Neither will I," Kankuro grinned cruelly. "Very well, it was nice seeing you, dear friend. Farewell until the next time!"
"Farewell…" Kiba muttered, and slammed the door shut.
Driving home, Kankuro hummed a cheery melody. Doing these little tasks was not much fun, but there wasn't a thing he wouldn't do for Gaara.
Back in his childhood and adolescence, things weren't that peachy. At school, he had felt like an outcast, so befriending the quiet and cool Shino Aburame had felt like a safe option. Even if Shino wasn't the most empathetic person he knew, he was loyal and respectful. Through Shino's friend of that time, Neji Hyuga, Kankuro had seen a glimpse of a wealthier lifestyle. For the longest of time, that little window to a better life had kept alive his hope for better days.
Too bad Shino got involved with the underworld in his teens. As a loyal friend, Kankuro never cut ties with him. Shino was a man he didn't want as an enemy, and thanks to his relentless loyalty, Kankuro was now a godfather of Shino's firstborn son.
In his shoemaker shop, certain familiar gentlemen regularly asked him to repair their boots and vests, and they always gladly paid in cash the amount of money he asked for. As he was quick and did his job excellently, they were pleased with him, and he never turned down the cash, or questioned where it came from. He knew Shino was directing the work and money towards him, and for that, he was grateful.
Certain shops were perhaps more strict about things like these, but for Kankuro, making a living was more important. Also, he knew that fixing the boots of certain gangsters was an honor he could not refuse. He also understood that by receiving cash from them only made him one link in the chain of money laundering, as with part of the money he got from them, he bought supplies from this other company that was linked to them as well.
Nevertheless, from his personal experience, he had long ago learned that police couldn't be trusted, and that you had to build your personal safety around more reliable forces. That's how the world just was, and he was only following along.
"Gaara, are you feeling any better?" Kankuro asked gently.
"Yeah, I am," Gaara admitted, and stretched his arms lazily.
"Glad to hear that," Kankuro smiled, and took his little brother's phone from the bedside table. He had memorized the pass code, and so he went to block Kiba's number before deleting it, as well as all the messages from him. Calmly, he put the phone back, and turned to his little brother.
"You and Kiba are no longer together. I took care of it," he stated matter-of-factly.
"You did?" Gaara wondered, and the faceless anxiety stirred inside of him again.
Kankuro towered over him with a grim look on his face. Gaara didn't dare to object, so he shrunk back into a submissive lump on the sheets. The look on Kankuro's face softened, he looked almost fatherly.
"I only want the best for you," the brunet reminded him, and caressed his cheek. "I'll always keep you safe."
"I know," Gaara whispered, and reached out to hug his brother. Kankuro caressed his back, and kissed the top of his head.
"Oh, Naruto and I made pizza. I brought the leftovers for you. Can I warm them up for you?"
"Yes, please," Gaara pleaded.
The pizza was delicious, he noticed, as he wolfed down the warmed-up slices on his bed.
"Was Naruto angry?" Gaara asked tentatively.
"He wasn't. Everything is alright. He can't wait to see you again, and he really seemed to miss you," Kankuro briefed. Then, he continued mysteriously, "Have you noticed the way he looks at you?"
"Huh?" Gaara wondered. Kankuro smirked knowingly.
"He has that abstained ardor in his eyes he thinks no one can see. The inhibition of a religious man who knows he can look, but not touch," Kankuro hinted.
"That's far-fetched," Gaara shook his head, while brilliant blush colored his cheeks. "Besides, I don't think he's that religious, and we have never really talked about religion. Also, he's into women."
Kankuro only smiled brightly at his little brother, and ruffled his hair. "So you're telling me. Anyway, I think he's a good guy, and I think you can trust him."
"I know," Gaara admitted, still blushing, and licked his fingers clean. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," Kankuro smiled, and it turned into a devious smirk. "How will you reward me for all the things I did?"
Submissively, Gaara batted his eyelashes, and caressed his brother's arm. Slowly, he took off his shirt, and then threw off his pants as well. He was sitting naked on the bed, shamelessly, and glanced seductively at his older brother.
"You're my landlord. My rent is due, and I have no money. I've lost all my clothes as well. And I've smoked indoors, even though you told me not to. What are you going to do?"
The hunger in Kankuro's soul howled, and with a sadistic, lustful look on his face, he unbuckled his belt and slid it off.