A/N: Thank you for everyone who's read or reviewed! :) You're correct, Gaara has indeed something akin to multiple personality thing. (Please note that I'm not a medical expert, so I apologize if there is any incorrectness in how his mental state is portrayed. Please let me know if I could've portrayed it in a better way, thanks!)
I hope you all enjoy the rest of the story! :)
CHAPTER 11: Spirits
The next morning, Gaara tried to figure out the pieces again, like so many times before. It wasn't easy, as he kept on forgetting things, getting distracted, or getting wrapped up in cotton. In those fleeting moments of clarity, he saw that she held all the romantic love for Naruto, but was unable to physically fulfill the desire, due to her bodily dysphoria. He had a feeling that she was unaware of Naruto's rejection, and so her unrequited love stayed alive, and she would be able to keep up good relations with Naruto ever after. Modo was able and willing to fulfill the physical lust, even if he wasn't too keen for romantic love or relationships.
The teenager, who sometimes looked like Gaara inside his mind, sometimes like Vinnie from the Biker Mice from Mars, was eager for sexual encounters, especially if it would save him from danger. And then there was that side of Gaara, who was academic and immersed in his job, but who only held platonic, shallow feelings. That side of him felt nauseous about sexuality and closeness, and was impotent.
For him, it was unclear if the protective side of him had a connection to Modo, or if they were the same, he couldn't say. It bugged him that he had no idea where these mice had emerged in his head. Weren't they a bit eccentric? What if he was imagining all of this just to get attention, to feel special? What if he was childish to imagine things like these? Maybe Naruto now saw him as an immature, deranged man.
What if all along, he had pretended to be a woman just to get Naruto's attention? What if secretly he was so homophobic that he had turned himself into a woman in his mind, only to allow himself to feel attracted to Naruto?
Gaara felt ashamed, and wanted to stop it. But right then, he thought he remembered something from his childhood, as if even as a kid, he had felt oddly feminine. Even if he tried, he couldn't trace back to those memories in detail, and they offered him no clear path towards definite answers.
In his mind, he called Modo and asked where he and Vinnie had come from. It bugged him. Modo smiled caringly, and refused to tell. He had a soft, brotherly side in him too. It was odd how Modo was sometimes sadistic, sometimes loving. It was like two sides of one coin. Gaara adored him, he loved him unconditionally, he was his dream partner. Whenever he was feeling down, the soft side of Modo would hug him like a brother, and keep him safe.
But the night side of Modo was cruel to him and others, and got twisted joy out of manipulating others.
Within his mind, Gaara clung to Modo's chest and banged it with his fists, demanding him to tell why he and Vinnie were there, it made no sense.
"Show me," Gaara demanded, and Modo smiled apologetically, holding him in his arms.
It was just a quick flash of a memory from years and years ago. Gaara and Kankuro were on the bed, Gaara under him, naked. Back then, he didn't want to do it, but he had to. Those were unpleasant times, and Gaara wondered what that familiar memory had to do with anything. Until it hit him.
When he looked closer at the memory, it wasn't them on the bed anymore, but Modo and Vinnie. Modo was there, plastered all over his brother's image, so that Gaara could passionately hate the dark side of Modo, and not his own brother. And Vinnie… Gaara remembered imagining back then, that maybe it was Modo and Vinnie doing it, how exciting would that be? It would be like a fictive story that happened to somebody else, something that was titillating instead of traumatizing.
Gaara had not wanted to be there himself, so it had to be Vinnie. And Modo was a monster he could loathe without conflict.
Inside his mind, Gaara screamed and wailed, and hit Modo in the chest with his fists. "Go away, I don't want to EVER see you again, I HATE you!" Gaara screeched inside his own head, and drove the apologetically smiling Modo away.
"I hate you," Gaara hissed out loud, and covered his eyes with his hands.
For the whole forenoon, Gaara felt bad because of his conflict with the imaginary Modo. When Kankuro came home, he was happy.
"I missed you," Gaara called, and hugged his brother.
"I thought you were supposed to still be at Naruto's?" Kankuro wondered, and patted Gaara on the back.
"Where were you all night?" Gaara asked, still clinging onto his brother.
"I was away," Kankuro only said. "But I'm here now."
"And that's good," Gaara smiled, feeling safe in his brother's arms. Kankuro was such a tall, handsome man, with a heart full of kindness and altruism. "Don't ever leave me."
"I won't," Kankuro promised gently, and ruffled his little brother's hair. "We'll always be together."
While Kankuro was in the shower, Gaara sneaked on his phone. He meant to check if Kankuro had sent any more texts to Baki, but his gaze stuck on something else. There were text messages… with Kiba?
Curiously, he read each of them.
A tight feeling was strangling his throat. Like a masochist, he had to check the call log, too, and he studied the times the two of them had called each other. Just to torture himself some more, he went to the photo gallery to snoop if there was any further evidence.
"What are you doing on my phone?"
Kankuro stood by the doorway, surprised.
Gaara put the phone away. Boiling pain was already making its way towards his chest, ready to burn him alive like lava. "You are Kiba's new."
"Gaara…" Kankuro whispered sorrowfully, and sat down next to him. When Gaara refused to look at him, he pulled him into an embrace. But Gaara pushed him away in anger.
"Did you drive Kiba away just to hog him all for yourself?" Gaara accused coldly.
"No, of course not. As I told you, I noticed he wasn't a good fit for you, and I did what every caring brother would do. I love you, Gaara. My heart breaks when someone hurts you," Kankuro murmured, with watery eyes.
Gaara gazed at him painedly, and clenched his fists. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I wanted to, but I was scared how you'd take it. Look, I never foresaw that I would end up with Kiba. I mean, I had a small crush on him when I first saw him, but back then he was with you, so of course I didn't act on it. And recently, you've been a lot with Naruto, and I noticed I was lonely. It was then that I remembered Kiba, and to my surprise, he seemed to respond to my feelings," Kankuro explained quietly.
"Why would've he responded to your feelings?" Gaara snapped bitterly. "Did you woo him with your dirty tricks when I wasn't there?"
"I didn't. I'm hurt you even think I'd do something like that behind your back. I swear, we just happened to have a connection," Kankuro sighed.
"Oh, I know you. You make things happen. Don't play innocent," Gaara knew.
"I'm telling the truth!" Kankuro got desperate. "I wouldn't lie to you."
"You're evil. You stole my boyfriend because you were jealous," Gaara hissed accusingly.
Kankuro gritted his teeth in anger. "Don't you remember what he did to you that night? How you came back home and asked me to do unspeakable things to you, just because he put you in pain you couldn't handle?"
Gaara swallowed, feeling dizzy. He didn't want to remember. Kankuro was telling him in disturbing detail what he had asked him to do back then, and Gaara felt like he was slowly sinking within himself, down to a safe place where hurt couldn't reach him. It seemed like his lack of response was calming Kankuro down.
Gently, Kankuro rubbed Gaara's hand, and pulled him into his arms. Gaara let him, and Kankuro kissed the top of his head.
"I'll take good care of Kiba and his mom, don't worry. I'll protect them," Kankuro told gently.
"Please don't hurt Kiba. He's innocent in his own way," Gaara knew.
"Of course I won't hurt him, silly," Kankuro murmured. "Look, I got him a well-paying job as well, so everything is alright. Things are better now, than before."
"Well… alright," Gaara sighed. "I've been worried."
"I know. You're my little worrier," Kankuro chuckled.
In the evening, the brothers were watching TV. Gaara clung to Kankuro with a remarkably wistful aura around him.
"I thought you said you're gonna spend this weekend with Naruto, unless I'm mistaken?" Kankuro wondered.
"I know. We had a quarrel," Gaara said, and caressed the texture of Kankuro's shirt.
"A quarrel? About what?" Kankuro inquired, but now Gaara leaned away.
"It's between me and him, it's nobody else's business, I'm sorry," Gaara informed.
But Kankuro got curious, and his dark, evaluative gaze was now boring in Gaara. "What would be something you can't tell your own brother?"
"Don't always assume the worst," Gaara stuck out his tongue. "It was over something stupid."
"Oh. Well it sure takes a long time for you guys to patch things up, then," Kankuro reminded, his gaze searching Gaara with an uncomfortable intensity.
But Gaara shrugged it off, and pinched Kankuro on the cheeks. "Stop being such a hound dog. Relax."
"Ah, maybe you're right," Kankuro calmed down. There was a kind look in his dark eyes.
"That's better," Gaara smiled and pinched his brother's cheeks again. "You're cute when you smile."
His cheeks hurting, Kankuro smiled nevertheless, letting his brother toy with him like this. "I'm just a ragdoll to you, aren't I?"
"My little ragdoll," Gaara cooed, and smoothed down his brother's hair. "I love you. I like you a lot."
"I like you, too," Kankuro chuckled.
Later in the evening, they were playing a board game. It always amused Kankuro how eagerly Gaara was participating in board games, not to mention how well he could remember all the rules.
Hatching for his next move, Kankuro's concentration got distracted as his phone rang.
"It's Naruto. Why is he calling me?" Kankuro asked, not answering.
Gaara shrugged, studying the game board. "I turned off my phone. Maybe that's why."
Kankuro looked at him fatherly. "Your friend is worried about you. Maybe you should answer?"
"No!" Gaara pouted.
"Well, if I answer, what do I tell him?" Kankuro wondered.
Gaara shrugged, "I don't know. I don't want to talk to him."
But the incoming call ended right then, and Kankuro had no chance to answer it anymore. Sighing, he put his phone away. "Look, whatever quarrel you guys have going on, I don't want to get in the middle of it, okay?"
"Hmph," Gaara only pouted, and was about to nudge one of his pawns forward.
"Hey, I saw that. No cheating," Kankuro reminded him kindly, and Gaara got back in line.
"Why don't you want to talk with Naruto?" Kankuro asked gently, with a worrisome look.
Gaara fidgeted with one of his extra pawns, until he took a few more of them from the game board.
"Hey—" Kankuro started, but the game was already all messed up.
"These…" Gaara showed, grouping his pawns into a pile. "This, and this, and this one like Naruto," he explained, taking out three pawns. "But the rest, maybe not so much."
"Uh-huh," Kankuro frowned, worried.
"But Naruto has bad vision. He only sees these as one pawn, and I tried telling there are not only one, but he says he sees only one, so there must be only one. And he has bad vision, he can't see it. And we had a quarrel," Gaara explained. "And these ones that like him, they went away. And now all these are left, but they don't talk to him. Because he has bad vision and they don't like it."
"Um, that was enlightening, thank you," Kankuro muttered, scratching his head. "Er, so if I got it right… There's something you guys see from a different point of view, and you can't reach an agreement?"
Gaara only stared at him with a blank face. "I don't want to talk with him."
Kankuro looked back equally perplexed. "Well, you guys gotta have to talk sooner or later. He misses you."
"But he doesn't miss me. He doesn't know me. He knows some, and they maybe don't miss him back," Gaara confessed.
"Look, bro, it's been a long night," Kankuro sighed, looking worriedly at his little brother. "Honestly, I don't know what to say to a lot of this. Maybe tomorrow the thoughts will be clearer?"
"Okay, ragdoll," Gaara quipped, and threw the pawns into the box.
"Hey, put them back nicely, so that we can play again the next time," Kankuro reminded kindly.
"Okay, sorry," Gaara muttered under his breath, and collected the pawns into a little plastic bag that was reserved for them.
"That's better," Kankuro smiled, still feeling a bit weirded out. "Come on, let's go to bed."
"Alright, ragdoll," Gaara growled reluctantly. He lay down on his bed, and held his small teddy bear. Angrily, he gripped its head and squeezed it.
"Hey, stop it, that teddy has done nothing bad to anybody," Kankuro ordered, and Gaara let go.
Sighing, Kankuro lay down next to his brother, and hugged him. It seemed to calm his brother down, as soon Gaara's breaths turned deep and relaxed.
The next morning, Kankuro woke up right by Gaara's side. Even though it was only Sunday, he felt exhausted. Gaara snored peacefully, and not feeling like waking him up, Kankuro tiptoed into the kitchen.
Fearing that eggs and bread for breakfast would make Gaara angry, he decided to make waffles instead. Still feeling weirded out by last night, Kankuro wondered what to do. Usually, he would try to nudge things into the right direction, but this time, his sixth sense warned him.
Maybe it was the alluring scent of waffles, but soon Gaara's sleepy face peeked into the kitchen. Smiling, Kankuro put a fresh waffle on a plate, and poured some jam on top.
"Here, have some breakfast. And here's a mug of coffee for you as well," Kankuro proudly offered.
"Thank you," Gaara whispered gratefully.
Ding dong.
"Oh, let me get the door," Kankuro said, and hurried to the hall.
A minute later, he came back to the kitchen, smiling tightly. "Gaara, it's for you."
Gaara wiped his mouth on a napkin and slowly got up. With arms crossed, he slouched to the hall, only to see Naruto there, smiling reservedly.
"Hi," Naruto greeted, "I tried calling you. But it said your phone couldn't be reached. I got worried."
"It was in vain," Gaara shot, about to leave.
"Hey," Naruto called, "Can we talk?" He looked sorrowful.
Shrugging, Gaara led them to his room, and closed the door behind them.
"I got really worried, when I couldn't reach you," Naruto confessed, his blue eyes darkened with grief.
Gaara responded with a dark look of his own. "I thought you made it perfectly clear that you want nothing to do with me, anymore."
"That's not what I said," Naruto corrected, "If you remember, I told you that I want you, Gaara. It means that I get worried if I don't hear from you."
Gaara shook his head. "This is leading nowhere. You may see yourself out."
Naruto gasped. "N-No, why are you like this all of a sudden? Gaara, please talk to me."
"I talked to you, and this is the result. It's been enough talking," Gaara growled. The look in his eyes was chilling, and Naruto backed away.
"L-Look, if you want to change your gender from guy to girl, I'll support you. I'll always be your friend. B-But I just… I don't know how I could have a romantic relationship with a woman," Naruto stuttered, with watery eyes.
Gaara looked at him cruelly, a promise of violence hanging oppressively in the air. Naruto backed away some more, until he hit the wall. Gaara stared at him like a predator.
"I don't need my gender reassigned, nor have I ever said that I was looking forward to going through such an operation," Gaara growled. "The gender of the body may not always match the gender of the spirit."
"S-Spirit?" Naruto repeated, "You mean, the mouse and the… woman?"
Gaara nodded.
"These 'spirits'… I've never heard of anything like that before, and honestly, I have no idea how to respond," Naruto confessed. "It scares me that when I'm with you, there might be someone other there that I'm not aware of. Look, Gaara, I really like you, I want to be withyou."
The expression on Gaara's face got darker. "This is futile. There's no hope in sight. You may as well go."
When Gaara opened the door, Kankuro fell into the room.
"Were you eavesdropping?" Gaara growled, staring daggers at his nosy brother.
Ashamedly smiling, Kankuro got up from the floor, and dusted his clothes. "I—I just happened to walk past…"
But Gaara didn't buy it, and he gripped Kankuro by the chest. "Leave, and see that man out as well," he said in a chilling voice, nudging his head demeaningly at Naruto.
"Come on, bro, chill," Kankuro smiled, and refused to show his panic. "Naruto came in peace. Nobody needs to leave at this point. It's alright."
"Regardless of him arriving with peace or not, he is going to see himself out at this minute, end of story," Gaara ordered.
"Look, I see where you're coming from, and you have the full right to decide who you let in your room," Kankuro told calmly, and exchanged a quick look with Naruto. The blond looked frightened. With a warm smile, Kankuro turned his attention to Gaara.
"Bro, to me it sounded like Naruto was saying yes to all your spirits," Kankuro said, and now Gaara looked surprised. "Look, he's known you forever already, he knows your moods and thrills. All he's scared of is that something remarkably new comes along, something that is not you at all, and if I'm correct, all the spirits are already a part of the collection that is you, so Naruto's fears are ungrounded. Naruto is familiar with the collection, even if he didn't realize it was a collection until now, and he's just scared that there's suddenly a new collection that he hasn't met yet. Am I correct?"
Gaara's mouth hung open, and he quickly glanced at Naruto. Naruto nodded, and smiled shortly. When Gaara looked back at Kankuro, he muttered, "That's not the worst way to put it."
"Great," Kankuro smiled, "So are we alright in here? Is there still something that needs to be discussed?"
"Well," Naruto began shyly, "It scares me, that I have no idea who it is with me at any given time."
"Ah, I get it," Kankuro smiled, "Does it really matter? If you guys are having a good time, then let yourself enjoy it. Don't push it, let it bloom. Just keep your heart open to each and every form of life in this world, and you'll get the love back tenfold."
"Oh, I see," Naruto nodded.
"Anything else that needs to be discussed?" Kankuro asked, looking around.
"No," Gaara told curtly, and his demeanor relaxed. In the corner, Naruto seemed to relax as well.
"Alright. There's still some waffles left. May you join us, Naruto?" Kankuro smiled luminously.
"It'd be my pleasure," Naruto bowed, and gently took hold of Gaara's hand. He gazed at him softly, and pecked a small kiss on his cheek. Gaara let him, and together, the three of them went to the kitchen to enjoy some breakfast.
After breakfast, Gaara went to the shower.
"Hey, can I have a quick word with you," Kankuro whispered, and came to Naruto.
"Sure," the blond smiled, "And thanks, you really helped us out there."
"Ah, it was my pleasure," Kankuro waved it off modestly. "Look, just a few tips, that might make your life easier from now on. I know Gaara's concept of 'spirits' can be confusing, and to be honest, I don't get the half of it, either. It confuses and scares me, too. But the thing is, don't deny his experience, just let him be himself. Don't ever ask which one is with you at any given time, and if he brings it up voluntarily by himself, then the best thing you can do is to welcome it with open arms, and tell him that you're happy to interact with each of them, okay?"
"B-But what if it's… a non-human?" Naruto paled.
Kankuro glanced at him fatherly. "I know. It's weird, isn't it? Just welcome it, and let him know you're pleased to meet each of them. It's the easiest way, trust me. And it's not like you'll physically see anything non-human. It'll be a lot scarier for him than for you, remember that."
"Oh, I never thought of it that way," Naruto realized, feeling empathy for his friend. "Now I see why he got so angry. He must've felt I rejected him."
"These things happen," Kankuro understood, "And nothing is irreplaceably broken. You got a new start now, everything is fine."
"I know. Thanks," Naruto smiled. "I felt so lost without Gaara, when his phone was turned off and I couldn't reach him. We've known each other for so long, that I can't imagine him not being a part of my life."
"I'm sure he feels the same," Kankuro smiled, and patted Naruto on the back.
"Kankuro…" Naruto whispered quietly, glancing cautiously towards the general direction of the bathroom. The shower was still running in the distance. "Why does he experience things like these? Is it an illness?"
Kankuro fell silent, and there was a sorrowful look in his dark eyes. "Look, I don't know. As I said, I'm as confused and scared as you are. Just go with the flow, read the room, like with everybody else, too. Don't dig too deep into it. There are bigger wonders in life than Gaara's ideas."
"Oh, okay," Naruto accepted, wondering.
But then, Kankuro's gaze turned darker and more dangerous. "As far as I've concluded, it's most likely brain damage. He was born prematurely, so maybe that's why. Don't ask him about it, or he'll lash out at you, and it'll be a lot uglier fight than what you guys just went through. I might not be able to help you then, because I have no control over Gaara's decisions. You might lose him forever, if you ask him these things, so keep that in mind."
Naruto paled, and looked alarmed. "I—I won't ever ask him, I promise! And thank you for telling me, I really appreciate it. You're a precious friend, Kankuro. I don't know what I'd do without your help sometimes."
"Don't mention it," Kankuro smirked darkly, his predatory gaze boring into the innocent blue eyes of Naruto. "You know I only have the best intentions in mind, when it comes to Gaara."
"You're an amazing brother," Naruto praised.
"Ah, I'll try my best," Kankuro smirked, "Which reminds me… You're a smart, kind man, Naruto, and I know you have the best intentions as well. You surely know, that if you happened to be cruel to my brother, I'd be at your doorstep faster than the wind."
"I—I would never…" Naruto trailed off, frightened at the sadistic, homicidal look in the dark eyes. Kankuro smiled crookedly at him, and Naruto felt like a small rodent in front of a predator. "I love Gaara, I would never hurt him."
"That's wonderful," Kankuro murmured.
Naruto let out an anxious laugh. His hands were shaking.