Elise picks at her fingernails, restless beneath the immense bloom of her gown beneath her.
"There's something on your mind," Cassandra picks up, shifting closer, but otherwise keeping her distance.
She looks over her shoulder.
"I don't know if I should be asking you this," Elise mumbles beneath her breath, terrified of the way the wooden walls of their home carried voices to unseen ears, "but there's a ball happening in town a month from now and we're both obligated to attend. As women of our station."
"I know," Cassandra looks down, hands perched on the bench, "is that what's weighing on your mind?"
"I have to go with somebody. You know how it is," Elise sighs.
A smile spreads across Cassandra's lips, her legs start swinging to and fro.
"-and?" her voice lights up.
"And, and," Elise smirks, "I'd like you to go with me. I don't care what anyone else thinks anymore."
Lost in the memory of the scene she's tapped on her phone, the sudden knock on Elsa's door makes her flinch. Sheer instinct compels her to call out, "Yea?" before realising the knock could only come from one person.
"Your dinner's ready," Agnarr announces from outside.
Shit.
Wait a minute. That is the calmest, most placid tone she's ever heard him use for the past few months. A familiar prickle flutters beneath her skin at the thought of enduring another verbal beatdown. She checks her grades one more time, before stuffing the row of straight As into her pocket. Shooting a text to Anna for good luck. Or if someone needs to find her body the next day.
Elsa: Gonna have dinner with dad :( wish me luck.
Her father's just finished with the dishes when she plods into the dining room. Modest serving of steaming spaghetti and meatballs already portioned out for her. There's an unnerving silence behind the way he motions for her to sit. But she refrains from sighing in relief when he puts on March Madness on TV as a distraction. Albeit on mute.
"Where's mom?"
"Working late," he mumbles with his mouth full, before turning his attention to the TV.
Something seems really off, Elsa thinks. Her bowl of pasta half-eaten, Elsa gets up slowly, turns around and opens the refrigerator. There's a mixing bowl still half full with meatballs. And a colander full of cooked pasta.
"You made dinner," Elsa stares into the glow, "yourself. For me."
Agnarr pauses his chewing, "Is it that hard to believe?"
"Yes."
He swallows, before rubbing at his temples.
"I had something to say to you," Agnarr shuts his eyes, "And I needed a way to get you out of your room."
"You could've just asked," Elsa rolls her eyes.
"I think our relationship's far too strained for any hope of you complying with that."
"Heh, you think?" Elsa mouths off, before she catches herself. Relationship. Strained. Two words she'd never heard him use. Ever. She backs away in her chair, fearful of the angry tirades and pounding tables sure to follow. But as her father dips his eyes away to the TV - she realises he's giving her a chance to say no. And she returns that chance.
Elsa pushes away her empty bowl, "I think you'd have a better chance if you used chocolate cake."
"Look, there's no easy way to say this-"
Immediately, Elsa grates her nails on the dining table. The regret of her decision thumping in her chest.
"While I was holding onto your phone, it kept pinging with a notification from that Anna girl you've been seeing. That invite to see her perform or something."
"Oh god-" blood drains from Elsa's face. Her mouth goes dry and she's paralysed by that all-too-familiar fear freezing her into the chair.
"So I went. Just out of curiosity to see what you were up to with that friend of yours."
"Why do you always have to snoop around my life?" Elsa rasps, throat closing beneath that stare.
Agnarr pauses, drumming fingers on the table while his daughter untangles herself from the consternation he never intended to drape her with.
"I didn't snoop. Your friend just wouldn't shut up," Agnarr replies, sucking in a deep breath, "but the point is. I went. And I was sitting behind you."
A list of sins she could be grounded for flickers through her head: lying to him that she was at Rapnuzel's house studying. Underage drinking. Being out in a freaking bar at night. Hugging Anna. How did she not see his car parked on the street? Once again, the world just fades into a blurry mess when all she can think about is that redhead and the prospect of seeing her again - and hearing that voice.
"And, and," Elsa's head dips even lower, "And you saw everything."
"I saw more than everything," Agnarr purses his lips and looks away, "I saw that you were happy."
And you want to take that away from me? After all of their blistering arguments, at least she can agree on one thing with her father.
"I was happy," Elsa seethes back.
"At first I was mad. But maybe I got too wasted on Bud light and Rum that night," Agnarr drones on, "After that - I had to ask myself when was the last time I saw you this happy. And I couldn't remember for the life of me."
Truth is, neither can I. But she shuts her mouth and waits for him to continue.
"We're never going to agree on everything, and it still hurts me that you'd choose a path like this, after everything we've done for you," Agnarr sighs, "but I couldn't call myself a father if I can't at least guarantee you some measure of happiness. Which is what your mother and I have brought you into this world to celebrate."
His words sink into Elsa's soul. She resists sighing in relief, even after comprehending exactly what her father meant. A part of her still waits for the inevitable punishment to follow. And she quickly racks her brain to ponder what little there's left in her life he could take away. But when she lifts her head, her Macbook's on the table with the car keys. Slowly inching across.
"We still stand by what we said," Agnarr says, fingers curling like the words hurt him, "we genuinely don't want you ruining your future at the last mile of high school. But what we did could be considered an overreaction. And the very least you'll get to hear from me is an apology for that."
Elsa continues staring at the laptop and keys. Unwilling to believe this is actually happening. There's a nasty gremlin still bouncing around inside from being treated the way she's treated. But she suppresses the memory of his rage-filled tirade.
"D-does mom know about-"
"This has nothing to do with her," Agnarr cuts her off, "And I'd appreciate it if you could keep this from her, for now."
Really? Both of you? Elsa ponders what to say to him. But the more she thinks, the more she realises this is the absolute most she's getting from him. And she hasn't the courage to bargain for concessions. So, she ends the conversation with-
"Thank you-"
"-You can thank me by doing our dishes," Agnarr points a thumb at his greasy bowl, before getting up and plonking himself on the couch, "And finish your goddamned scholarship applications! I'm not paying for your tuition if you're sneaking around behind our backs!"
Ok, maybe there's one more concession she's willing to make.
"...And if you substitute the limits and solve for the constant, you'll be reminded why I'm constantly telling you fuck-stains not to mess up the integration-"
Worn down by weeks of late nights at the lounge. And despite her voracious attempts to stay awake - Anna teeters on the verge of dozing off. She jolts at the bell's ringing cutting Stevenson's maths lesson off. Two dozen seniors simultaneously get up and race to the door, only for his roaring voice to stop them.
"Stop!" he yells, kicking over a table to get their attention, "Don't fucking leave!"
He shoves a kid back to drive home his intention, before holding up a scrap of paper.
"Principal Jackson's got orders for all you maggots - Clemson's falling below the state minimum for funding," Jackson points a middle finger at the entire class, "which means all of you have been failing too many goddamned tests."
Anna swallows as she thinks about her own grades. Graduation. College. Nearly failing chem. A never-ending mirage that appears unreachable.
"In all his infinite wisdom, he's assigned co-tutoring for the names here," Jackson peers at the paper, "well, there's 24 names here, so that's everyone. Sorted by your best and worst subjects or some shit. Now get your asses over to the library and start studying. I'm not teaching here next year if they still don't have money to fix the lights."
The class groans at having their hour of respite stolen. Muttered vulgarities pepper the air as they file out under Stevenson's snide, condescending remarks. Anna feels her hopes for a better future slipping away as she drags her feet to the library. She neglects to check the name of her assigned co-tutor. Sinking into the slashed-up chair as a nap threatens to lull her under its gentle, sleepy ripples. Perhaps the other person won't show up and just take the detention or whatever punishment awaits them.
Anna jerks upright as Mal eases herself into the tattered chair across her.
The welts on her face have faded into ugly bruises. Visible beneath her foundation.
Anna grits her teeth. Her knuckles ache.
"You," Anna whispers. She feels like there's a blood clot in her heart. A throbbing point of nasty hatred that threatens an aneurysm the longer she looks at that disgusting eyeliner and dangly earrings. "You're my co-tutor."
"I guess," Mal shrugs, "Are you going to kick my ass again if I fail maths?"
The stinging accusation makes Anna shift in her seat. A simple movement that sends Mal flinching. They lock eyes for a second. Mal's betraying utter, excruciating fear. Before she slinks away in her chair and looks at the carpet. A different kind of ache spreads through Anna's chest.
"I'm-I'm not going to," Anna whispers, before she leans closer over the graffitied table, "A-are you ok? I-I mean, is your face alright?"
"I-It's fine," Mal stammers, turning her bruise away from Anna's gaze.
The ache turns into angry, rough fingers gripping at her heart. One she has a hard time discerning as guilt.
"I'm sorry," the words leave Anna's lips. A second before her pride demands them back. Mal looks away at the ceiling. Anna detects a glisten in her eyes beneath the half-broken library lights. Mal immediately wipes it away with a snivel.
"It's ok," Mal shakes her head, before sucking in a deep breath, "I guess I should apologise to you too. As much as you'll probably shit on me for-"
"No," Anna cuts her off, before narrowing her eyes, "unless you're not gonna tell me a reason why you've been treating me this way for years."
Mal turns her hands upright, "I-I don't have a reason for that-"
"Nobody," Anna seethes through gritted teeth, "Nobody behaves like that. Period."
Mal's voice drops to a whisper, "My dad left us."
"That doesn't even," Anna starts, before a familiar needle goes straight through her heart, "wait, what?"
There's an audible shaking in Mal's voice, "He's a fag and hid it. Dated my mom. Married her. Had me. One day he just decided he wanted to keep being a fag and walked out on us. It's nothing to do with you but I never got a chance to get back at him for how he's ruined her life-"
Anna swallows. Nails digging into her jeans.
"Now you know," Mal shakes her head, "None of this means. Anything. About you. I just - gawd. I'm just sorry, ok?"
"It's-It's ok," Anna whispers, before Principal Jackson blasts a yell across the library.
"Hey! You two! Start studying or I'm locking you up in a cage and selling the rights to ESPN-"
At the library's random chants of Rematch! Rematch! The girls open their respective binders. Maths for Mal. Chem for Anna.
"Alright, maths," Anna mumbles, "let's figure out why you suck so hard at it."
Despite Anna's prudent maths tutoring, going over the most difficult Calculus sums with the patience of a saint. And despite Mal's suspiciously stellar grasp of organic chemistry. All of the concepts and homework answers still fall straight out of Anna's head the moment she finishes a shift at the cafe. She slumps on the brick steps. Looking at her scrap of results with that Cross this line to graduate! line moving further and further away. None of the mild spring breeze alleviates the gnawing dread in her chest. Sleep weighs on her eyelids even beneath the afternoon daylight. She should go home and take a nap on her off day from the lounge. But the force of that mirage sends her cycling towards the public library.
But not before taking out her phone and doing what she should've done a long time ago.
Hills pay the bills, Elsa groans through her seething, wispy breaths. Her heart's pounding in her knees. Burning, lactic pain soaking her calves. There's a steep bend on the hilly cross-country track she particularly hates. That rugged climb reminding her just how far the finish line is. Still, she grits her teeth and pounds through the terrain. Noon sun's rays slicing through the spring foliage. Somehow, seeing Coach Maui at the crest of the hill saps her strength even more.
"C'mon, Williams!" his voice sends the pigeons scattering, "You flew over this hill last year."
A year older, none the stronger. She clenches her fists as the memory of her entire year catches up with her legs pulling into the parking lot. Parents. Anna. Fucking track practice and those unsubmitted college applications on her computer.
A year older, and wiser at least - I hope.
She keels over, hands on knees in front of Maui's folded arms. Shaking his head as he scribbles down her timing. The other girls are starting to pull in - reddened faces and heaving breaths.
"Look over there," Maui points at the expanse of rural South Carolina, "to the North - what do you see?"
The sun feels like burning in her glazed-over eyes at this point. And she hesitates to look up.
"Florence?" Elsa mumbles, before resuming her heaving.
"No," he taps his clipboard on her head, "The University of North Carolina lays over the horizon, and it's your job to get in. As a coach, I've done everything I could to help you. The rest is up to you now."
As if her heart couldn't take any further punishment, it sinks further as Maui turns away from her. Admonishing the other athletes but leaving her no praise. That thorn in her heart sinks further as she limps into her car. The cosy, grey leather interiors still feel alien after being deprived from her for so long. And with her worries plaguing her mind, Elsa feels that little gremlin creep on her again. You don't deserve any of it. This car. A scholarship. A big warm house. Even the doe-eyed attention Anna gives her feels so undeserved.
Her memory flutters back to that spontaneous bike trip to the beach with Anna. Wind in their hair and cheeks bitten by the cold. She wonders whether she'd ever have the chance to feel this free again. The thought puts a smile on her face. One that curls into a wider grin at the message on her phone.
Anna: I'm really sorry to bug you. If you have some time after track, would you like to study with me at the library? I need some help with chem :(
Anna: And I mean the public library - my school's one is trashed
She's halfway mashing a reply when another message hits her.
Rapunzel: YOOO have you asked Anna to the prom YET?
Rapunzel: ISTG I'm gonna do it for you if you keep pussying out
Elsa quickly swipes away the text, afraid Anna would notice just by existing in the same inbox as Rapunzel's. She thinks and thinks, before spending an entire minute writing a reply. And another minute checking that she's sending it to the right person.
Elsa: I'm going to.
Elsa: Maybe - idk
Rapunzel: NO MAYBES
Rapunzel: after EVERYTHING ive done to set you two up
And when another text hits her inbox, she's on the verge of tearing out her blonde hair by the fistful.
Dad: Scholarship application deadline for Duke/Wake/UNC/USC next week. Can we have an update on your progress or do you need help from us?
It's enough to make Elsa hurl the phone over her shoulder and floor the gas. At the front of her mind, she knows exactly where she can go to escape the million things on her mind.
There's a stack of chemistry notes pockmarked with coffee mug rings. Next to Anna's test results, scrawled with ugly red ink. The girls crane their heads over Anna's chem homework. Harsh white library lights glow against the faded printer ink. Foreheads almost touching. But there's still a multitude of questions spilling from Anna.
"Are you kidding me? A double bond is written with two dashes? I've been thinking that was an equals sign the entire time!"
"Well, yea," Elsa looks over Anna's test, "If you think about it, a triple covalent bond is written three dashes so that can't be-"
"I just assumed it was a typo," Anna giggles.
"Now you know," Elsa smiles, passing her a clean copy of her own homework, "try these out - my chem teacher's pretty good."
Anna handles the crisp white paper like it's made of eggshells. Even the paper from West Ash appears pristine next to her school's copy - looking like it's been photocopied a billion times. Nonetheless, she still bites her lip and tries her best.
A little swell of pride builds in Elsa's heart as she looks upon Anna's brows furrowed in concentration. The feeling quickly stolen away by a reminder chime on her MacBook.
Due: Mar 14. Fnish your admission essays!
Half-finished essays fill a folder marked College apps. Banal psuedo-inspirational prompts ranging from: "How has a hobby changed your life?" to "Describe the best part of high school."
Elsa ponders another one: "How do you cram 12 years into 650 words?"
She grits her teeth. Typing essay after essay like her fingers are mired in jelly and her brain spun from cotton wool. The divinely-inspired romances she's crafted in fanfiction don't help at all when her skills are masquerading behind the veneer of needing a scholarship. Her frustrations only alleviated when Anna pipes up every now and then in a soft voice - asking questions Elsa's all too glad to answer.
Except one.
"You look stressed out," Anna asks, concern swirling around in those blue eyes, "I mean - are you? Are you stressed out? You can't be faring worse than me, you seem to have all this chem stuff locked down."
"It's, it's nothing," Elsa replies, before the slightest tilt in Anna's head spills the truth, "alright - it's my college applications. I-I've no idea where I'm going with this and it just all seems so fake and…and…God-"
The seething hangup within Elsa breaks the moment Anna lays a hand on hers.
"Tell me."
Elsa purses her lips, "I-I don't even know what I'm doing this for. It's like I don't even want it, but my parents worked so hard to see me through this it's like-"
Her words trail off. That slight gap easily filled in by Anna's gentle voice.
"Maybe that's enough of a reason," Anna says, "that we're doing this for them."
"I-I just…I just want my own life, y'know?" Elsa breathes a sigh, before she shakes her head, "Sorry - that was rude and insensitive. I shouldn't have brought it up."
There's a frown on Anna's face. Elsa feels her hand going still. Right before it squeezes her back.
"Don't be," Anna whispers, turning in the rest of her chemistry practice, "could you check these for me? I'm all done."
Elsa gives the practice questions a once-over, ticking each with blue ink. Not noticing Anna's already packed her bags. The chair grates in her ears as Anna gets up. That jarring sound and Anna's turned back prodding at her heart like something's amiss.
"This place is suffocating me," Anna complains, "I'm going to the rooftop to get some fresh air."
"No, wait-" Elsa reaches towards the girl walking away.
But Anna doesn't turn back.
As if the library isn't quiet enough - Elsa finds her in the still silence of the roof. Staring over the side of the parapet beneath the star-draped night sky. Elsa's feet make crunch crunch crunch noises on the gravel ripping through the nighttime serenity. But it doesn't stir Anna. Each moment of silence as they stand together increases the palpable distance between them. But Elsa still chooses to give the girl a moment. Mostly because she has no idea how to deal with her sudden, unusual melancholic turn.
She reaches across that gap with a sigh.
"...I'm sorry," they say at the same time.
Elsa stifles a laugh, "You first."
"I'm sorry for saying what I said," Elsa continues, looking sideways at Anna, "I'm privileged, I had everything growing up. To even suggest that I'm not living the life that I'm meant to. In front of someone who's had to struggle so much. It's just downright selfish-"
Anna shifts closer, turning to the blonde, "No - nonono - I don't. I don't see it that way. You don't have to apologise."
She purses her lips and looks away at the darkness. Before changing her mind.
"Alright, maybe it did sting me a bit. Probably that little part of me which still resents you for coming from a different world," Anna retorts, "And I had to walk away before anything nasty came out of my godforsaken mouth."
Elsa sucks in a breath. Daring to reach further across the gulf. Cradling the girl's calloused fingers in her own. Reassured by the way they clench back against hers.
"A-are you mad at me?"
Anna laces her fingers through Elsa's. A thumb trails across her palm - the simple action setting her senses alight. She bites down on her lower lip. And looks up at Elsa with constellations visible in those glistening doey-eyed blues. The sight nearly makes Elsa faint.
"Even if I was," Anna whispers, stepping closer, "how could I stay mad? How could I bear a grudge against someone like you?"
"-I'm not perfect, Anna-"
"I never once expected you to be," Anna frowns, before she looks down at the gravel, "my only worry is - is that -"
The gentle pulse in Anna's hand grows heavier. And Elsa can feel the elephant on this rooftop bearing down on them with each thump against her skin.
"Y-you're like a single, glowing star in the night sky; the best thing that's ever happened to me this year. Probably my entire freaking life," Anna's voice drops to a tremoring whisper, "I-I just have no idea what's going to happen next year when you graduate and move on. And if I even graduate. We're obviously headed on different paths in life."
Elsa feels that hand of inevitability reaching into her chest. Twisting at her heart. Prying it out of her ribcage. The faintest snivel beneath Anna's breath makes her wince. But she holds on with everything she's got.
"We'll work something out, we will," Elsa pleads, "I-I don't want to lose someone like you."
"Don't do this to yourself," Anna looks away from her, "you're smart. You're talented. You're beautiful. You've such an amazing life ahead-."
"What good would that life be?" the answer flies straight out of Elsa's lips, "If I spent it without you?"
"Oh god," Anna's breath audibly hitches in her throat, before leaning her forehead against Elsa's chest, "All I told myself was to make each moment count with you."
Elsa smiles. Fingers combing through the tangle of Anna's hair and soaking in her strawberry scent, "I'd make each moment count. Whether I knew you for one year or a hundred."
She feels a terse gasp against her chest, but doesn't know if it's a giggle or a sob. Anna takes out her phone. Untangling the earbuds and passing one side to Elsa.
"Let's make this moment count then," Anna breathes against Elsa's chin, before laying her phone on the parapet. Hands interlinked. The only thing distracting Elsa from the starry night sky right now is this girl before her. And as the warm breeze passes through that impossibly small space between them - Elsa's eyes flutter shut. Allowing the gentle strum of guitar music and the sway of Anna's hips to melt every worry she has about her future. Or perhaps, theirs.
It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these, time and time again