TW: Discussions of suicide
I dreamed of the meadow again. The place where Ivan had taken Beata to hide when they made the mistake of wanting me to live. I was lying on the ground in the grass. But it felt soft, the way a dream always does. Not uncomfortable. I could feel the grass on my skin. The sun was warm and bright beyond my eyelids. Birds twittered, and bugs buzzed by. The hand moving through my hair was gentle and comforting. She hummed a song. A specific one about beautiful dreamers.
"Welcome back, Johanna," she said. I sat up to face her. I didn't want to touch her. I was angry, hurt, and exhausted. She looked real and solid. As if she really was just my mother. Some part of Beata that got to live and watch me grow.
"Why am I here? Am I dead?"
"If you were dead, I wouldn't be able to make you dream, would I?"
"What if that's just it? What if I'm dead, and the only reason I can dream is because you're keeping my body alive? What if that's why I can't stay awake?" She sighed and smiled sadly.
"Maybe," she agreed. It hurt not to hear an argument to the contrary. She really didn't know.
"It's selfish of you, you know? Forcing me to live so you can be reunited with your other half. If you feel what I feel, you know it's torture."
"I know. But I've kept you alive as much for me as for you."
"Bullshit. You let me suffer for years."
"Time isn't as linear as you experience it. Not for me anyway."
"It is for me. For my life."
"It doesn't have to be. I've shown you the past and the present."
"Then why can't you show me the future? If time isn't linear why can I only see what I've already seen?"
"The future only depends on which side you're standing on. Your mind maps the memories. As you said, your mind maps memories in a linear format. I only have access to what you've seen because that's all you have access to. But I know there is more to this universe beyond your comprehension. Things like possibilities and realms and universes that sit one on top of the other."
"So you've seen what will happen after this is over?" She shook her head slowly.
"There are many different paths to take that can lead in different directions. I can guess where someone might go based on what I know about them. But here, in this body, I can only use your judgment to base that decision. So, it's nothing more than an assumption. But when I'm whole—I can see beyond what your mind can comprehend. At the end of it all, the only path that gets mapped is the one the mapmaker chooses."
"So if you can see paths, then you can tell me which is the best to take."
"I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because the answer to that question is a path you don't want to take."
"I just want—to be where they are. I want to see my sister again. I want Bucky back."
"I tried. I know you think it's my fault you're being kept away. It's not me. It's us. I'm too big and you're too small. I force you out even when I don't mean to. You're in so much pain that your consciousness slips away before I can grasp it."
"Then can you at least tell me one thing?"
"What would you like to know?"
"Are they on the right path?" She smiled.
"I've shown them which ones to take. The journey is still up to them."
"What do you see at the end of this current path?"
"There are too many branches and variables for me to make an accurate decision. Remember it's based entirely on your knowledge of the world and the people you know."
"Tell me something. Anything." She studied the pleading tone of my voice. Maybe the way I stared back at her. She understood what I was really asking for. Hope. Just a tiny kernel. Either hope that there was something at the end of this. Or hope that Bucky wouldn't sacrifice himself for me.
"If Bucky believes he can trade his life for yours, he'll do it. Nothing you can say or do will convince him otherwise."
"He'll die."
"He might not."
"How? I was built to be your Vessel. Not him."
"He wasn't built to be a Vessel, but he'll only need to hold me temporarily. Just enough to get me home. And he'll have a much higher chance of surviving than you."
"And that other part of you will tear him apart."
"I might be able to convince it to hold off."
"How? I saw it. It never holds off."
"The others, I grieved them, yes. I grieved the lives they never got to live. The futures they could have had. I hated that I was the cause of all their suffering. But I never lived like them. I never got to experience every heartbeat. Every moment. I never learned to love them. To love through them."
"You love him."
"Of course I do."
"Because I do or because you love him separately from me?"
"Does it matter?"
"It matters to me." She cocked her head to the side.
"Jealousy, Jo, really?"
"You've been with me my entire life. You know what he means to me."
"I know. I don't have a concept of love the same way you do. I love the both of you. But if I had never experienced love through you, I would never be able to grasp it. So in a way, it's both. I love him because you love him. But I also love him separately from you. Just not the way you do. He'll always be yours. I could never want him the way you do."
"You think there's a chance he could survive being your Vessel?"
"I think you both have a higher chance of surviving that way."
"Why didn't you tell them outright?"
"Because they don't trust me. They think they know me. And they believe I'll destroy everyone to get what I want. You can see into my heart as much as I can see into yours. I want you both to live."
"You manipulated them."
"I pushed them in the right direction."
"And how am I supposed to trust that you won't let him die to save me?"
"Because I know a part of you would die with him. Just like it did before. I can feel it building in you again, even if you think there's no hope. I can tell that you want to live."
"And these memories. Bucky said it's a conversation."
"In a manner of speaking. Your body is dying, Jo. Maybe you're on the right track and you've already died. Maybe this is just some memory of you that's lingering behind. Or I've pushed so much out of you that there's hardly anything left. If I leave you all at once, me and the Darkness both, there won't be much left of you to fight with. Your organs will shut down and this piece of your consciousness will fade away without so much as a goodbye."
"Regardless of who takes you into the void."
"Yes. But if I leave the Darkness with you—your body will recover. Your consciousness will remain."
"Will I even still be me?"
"You'll be more you than you are me. And the Darkness doesn't expand. The Darkness has always been as much you as it is me. I've only ever used it to protect you." I nodded slowly.
"So you transfer yourself to Bucky, leave the Darkness with me. And then hope that you can convince your other piece to hold off long enough to separate you from him."
"That's the idea."
"But he'd still have to be exposed to open space. He'd still suffer."
"He has a higher chance of surviving."
"Not with the Darkness." I turned away to look at the sunny stalks. My thoughts churned like a storm. "What if we just split?" I asked instead. "Part of you stays with me; part of you transfers to him? Enough to ease the pain. That way, you don't overwhelm either of us, and I can stay conscious."
"And both of you would risk being exposed to open space."
"At least we'd be together." She sighed heavily.
"I'll consider it. But the path is still his to take."
"Fine. You can take me back now. To the memories. I know what happens next." She nodded once.
I blinked, and when I opened my eyes, the sunlight was replaced by the fluorescent glow of the medical lab in the compound. My body felt weak, heavy, and achy. I couldn't move well enough to lift my head and look around. I recognized the telltale signs of blood loss. There must have been a change in my breathing or an alert. The next thing I knew, Tony's hand gently took mine as if I might crumble at his touch.
He was sitting on the chair beside me, less emaciated than before. Still a little hollow in the cheeks and thinner than usual. But he was recovering. Bernie still needed him to. I guess I did too.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I did everything I could."
"I know," I breathed out.
"I know how you feel. There isn't a single person on this planet, this whole goddamned universe, who doesn't feel the same way. But I can't lose you too. Do you understand me? You and Bernie are all the family I have left. Don't leave me here to do this alone."
"It wasn't just that, Tony." Speaking was so difficult. I was still exhausted. I could barely keep my eyes open. But I had to finish. "I'm still dying. My death will be catastrophic, and I might hurt others. I was trying to do the world a favor by removing one more threat."
"No, you were giving up. Because it hurts. I know it hurts."
"It's never going to stop hurting."
"Of course not. Just—give me time. If there's a way, I'll find it. I'll put things right." I let my eyes fall closed.
"Don't try to give me hope."
"I'm not asking for hope. I'm asking for time."
"Which isn't something I have in abundance."
"You have more than you did before. And besides—I want to talk about whatever it was in that tub with you." I opened my eyes.
"Water. I filled the tub with water." He shook his head slowly.
"It was solid black, Jo. You were submerged for longer than six minutes. Whatever it was, it kept you alive, almost in a stasis. You didn't even start to bleed again until we pulled you out. If you can find a way to mimic that…."
"We'd both get what we want. A compromise." He lifted his eyebrow. His eyes were red as if he'd cried for me. I hated that I made him cry.
"How does that sound?"
"Acceptable." I shut my eyes again as he stood up and set my hand back down.
"I have one more question."
"What's that?"
"Who was I talking to?" I opened a single eye. Too tired to muster the energy for both of them.
"When?"
"You were talking in second person when we pulled you out of the tub." I shook my head and shut my eye again.
"The last thing I remember is passing out from blood loss."
"So it wasn't you."
"I think that you finally got to meet Chaos."
"It talks to you?"
"Surprise."
"That's not a good sign, Jo."
"Well—she kept me alive."
"I think we both want you alive for very different reasons."