Katsuki Bakugou
Blood bullets lanced through Bakugou's temples with each frantic gasp of his heart. And I thought what you did to me was cruel… You want something so much worse. You hurt me so fucking badly, and now you're just giving me the opportunity I'd always been looking for to bring you down to nothing? It's the perfect opportunity for revenge. I could assure you I'd never do such a shitty thing, get you to trust in those words, and then… And then backstab you so you wouldn't have been the one to call the shots. So I could blindside you the way I felt, and take it all from you. Hit where it hurts the most, and take advantage of your vulnerabilities. I'm stronger than you. You wouldn't be able to do a single thing about it. I fantasized about the day I'd get to see you fall. It's right here, but… No. I'm not doing that to you!
"You're fucked up, Shouto…" Bakugou half-chuckled with scorn and agony razing his hoarse voice. "I'm not letting you do that to yourself. You… I'd be no better than him if I did!" He curled his hands into fists.
Todoroki was not discountenanced. "I'm fine with it," he sighed. "I'm giving you my consent. Isn't this what you wanted? Isn't this what you've been longing for? You can't have it if you die first. Wouldn't it be divine to finally take revenge for all the misery I put you through?"
Bakugou grit his teeth. "I know that, goddammit! But I know it's…" His voice shattered into grains of sand flittering in the wind by the ocean. "It's gonna do so much more than just re-traumatize you all over again… And fucking hell… Just who do you take me for? Hah… Not that I have any right to say I deserve to be viewed as someone any better." A smile writhed onto his face.
"I don't know what else other than physical pain could get me to feel something again," Todoroki murmured. "It's all contradictory. I say it's easier not to give a shit about anything, and yet…" He shook his head. "I don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know what's going on. I don't know." He turned to face the door to the bathroom, but Bakugou pulled him into his chest before he could leave. "I hate to say it, but I'm not like you or Rui. Some love and kindness isn't going to do anything."
"Then…are you really okay with dying like this?"
Although Bakugou anticipated that Todoroki would hold his silence and eventually shrug, Todoroki immediately replied, "Yes. So, you were going to write something first, right?"
"So fucking nonchalant," remarked Bakugou. "As if what just happened never happened. Who the hell are you?"
Todoroki shrugged. "It's cruel how much of an impact one action makes on the rest of your life, and oftentimes the lives of others too." He expelled a sigh. "I think I want to die by slitting my wrists. That would be a fitting end for me. I cut myself to keep myself together, so to have that be what ends me would tie a nice bow around it." He pulled back from Bakugou's arms.
Following Todoroki out of the bathroom, Bakugou mumbled, "Now ain't that some euphemism, even if I know you didn't even mean it like that. Tch. Y'know, it's gonna be a bitch for me to watch you do this to yourself. I brought you into it, but…" He grabbed a black pen on Todoroki's desk and began to write on the paper from Todoroki's folder. "I don't want you to commit suicide, but I want you to be free from hurting yourself ever again."
Todoroki extracted the silver blade from his folder, twisting it under the ceiling light. "See, you aren't just a bad person."
"Shut it." Bakugou glanced over at Todoroki. "Yer not gonna give anyone any last words?"
"No." Todoroki's voice was cold and unwavering. "I'd rather not let anyone know the truth about what I've been through so they won't feel sorry for me or blame themselves more. Well, Aizawa told Endeavor about how I've been cutting, and that I tried to kill myself. When he visited me in the hospital, he was furious. He yelled about how he was going to terminate the contract we made to stay at the dorms, that he would watch over me at home, and that I was never to hurt myself again. He hugged me, and it was the first time I ever saw him cry. Isn't it ironic how it took a suicide attempt and years of cutting my own skin open just for the person who was supposed to love me no matter what to give a damn about me? If you think about it, if people find out you tried to kill yourself, the vast majority who are 'close to you' will start to care about you more.
"They'll treat you differently—for the better. They'll actually try to help you. They'll try to show that they care and that they're here for you. But when you started being kinder to me, I was extremely grateful, but at the same time, I felt extremely guilty. I felt like I didn't deserve it. Honestly, I can't say whether or not it made me feel better or worse. I think that was the most I'd ever wanted to die, ironically enough. Not because you did anything wrong, but because something was wrong with me. And I think something people overlook is how much shame is usually involved with a failed suicide when others find out. I mean, it's probably your biggest secret, and now that everyone knows, it just hurts. No one will ever forget. No one will ever look at you the same. No one will ever let you forget, even if they don't do anything at all."
The tip of the black pen in Bakugou's hand trembled against the face of the white sheet of paper. "And after you tried to off yourself, you went back to seeming like nothing was wrong, and you hardly told me shit." He sank into the mephitic pool of liquid eating through his insides. "Told me your meds basically made the suicidal thoughts go away too. The whole time, you were actually just hella suicidal?"
"Hey," whispered Bakugou as he sat on the edge of his bed in the dim light of his dorm room. "You doin' okay?" He tossed his shirt into the laundry bin beside his bed.
Todoroki nodded, sitting beside Bakugou and bundling their hands together. "I actually feel pretty good."
"You promise?"
"I promise."
Before Bakugou could respond, Todoroki raised his palm to Bakugou's cheek and brought their lips together. Capitulating to Todoroki's advance, Bakugou found his back and wrists sinking into the mattress. His veins screamed in white as the two dug their nails into flesh, suffocated by the scorching fervor of their lips ravenously violating each other.
Although Todoroki was silent for a while, he finally parted his lips to speak. "Honestly, it was the only thing I could think about," he murmured in a frigid yet fragile sigh. "I never would've admitted this before, but sometimes, when I'd go back to my dorm after being with you, I couldn't even make it to my futon before collapsing. I could hold myself together for you, but it took everything I had sometimes to hold up the act. I'd cry, and I'd cry about how much I wanted to die. I'd sit there for hours, unable to do anything but sob as my tears just kept falling. I'd cry until I had no tears left to cry. Then, I'd go to bed, and when I woke up, I just felt empty. When I encountered Rui, I knew I couldn't keep breaking down like that. Now, this is where I am." He tucked himself into his futon.
I had no fucking idea… Bakugou realized as a whip of fire sliced open his chest. You told me you were fine, you'd smile and always look like you were enjoying yourself, and you never really said anything concerning. So even the Shouto I loved then…was still just a fucking lie? I would've loved him even if I knew the truth, but… Fuck. I honestly wish you didn't tell me that. Everything we did…
Bakugou was silent for a few seconds. "Why didn't you tell me if I already knew about the attempt?" His voice was somber and soft.
Todoroki closed his eyes. "Would you have told me about it if you'd been in my shoes?"
"Tch. Probably not. I'd have been too ashamed. Wouldn't have wanted to burden you or make you worry more, I'd have been afraid of you leaving me over it, and I'd also have been terrified of getting sent to a psych ward."
"Exactly. But I'll resume my nap while you write whatever you're writing. Wake me up when you're ready."
"You lazy-ass dumbass."
"Yes."
Bakugou rolled his eyes with a vague smirk. "It's for Aizawa. I'd just feel guilty if I didn't at least acknowledge the shit he's done for me. He kinda felt like a father figure." He read over the content of his letter.
"I know what you mean. He did a lot for me. More than Endeavor, certainly. Aizawa really did his best to do what he could to help. It's unfortunate that all his work will have been for nothing. I guess you could say it'll fall apart like a house of cards. I wonder how many more will fall apart, and how many have fallen apart before Rui's did as well."
"Heh. Guess another way of looking at it is one big house of cards, and every person whose life gets fucked up in one way or another represents one of the layers. Who knows how many layers there are. It'll just keep crumbling into more and more cards until there are no more cards to fall. Better question is: how many cards are in the deck of this shitty universe?"
"I think that was a much better analogy than I made. So, are the individual cards close relationships?"
"Honestly, didn't think about that. Then again, that'd imply the people who started it had the most relationships. Ugh, this is why I don't do this shit."
Todoroki let out a long sigh. "Or, I guess each person is a card, instead of an entire layer. One knocks another down which knocks another down, and it just keeps going, like you said." He turned onto his side. "Those at the bottom will only see the ones at the top once they all meet again in the pit of fallen cards."
Bakugou shook his head, rolling his eyes with a smirk. "There you go again, being superior to me in every damn way. It's just cruel irony, at this point." He twirled the pen in his hand.
"Sorry. I'm not trying to be, and nor do I ever feel like what I'm doing is 'superior' to you," Todoroki uttered with plastic solace coating his words. "But can I tell you something?" His eyes split open to thin slits.
Oh, now you wanna open up to open up? Bakugou groaned to himself. But he also has every right to not wanna say a damn thing to me after what I did to him. Still, I'd have hated if he said he felt superior to me, and I still hate that he doesn't even feel superior to me. I hate people who are so damn humble about their mind-blowingly good skills.
"Just say it."
"My therapist thinks I'm severely depressed, and that I've blurred what happened and disconnected myself from my emotions as a defense mechanism." Todoroki's voice was cold water rushing over a rock. "But honestly, I don't really believe it. I'm not depressed anymore. I haven't been for a while. I'm not miserable, I can function just fine, and I don't feel down, hopeless, or depressed. This is just me."
Bakugou grit his teeth, curling his digits into tight wads. "You don't have to be 'sad' to be depressed. This isn't you, Todoroki. It ain't you at all…" He clicked his tongue with a lour. "I agree with your therapist. It wasn't until that bastard fucked you up that you became like this. This was triggered by some shit. You weren't like this before."
"This is part of the reason why I stopped talking about the things I'd been through."
"'Cuz you don't wanna accept the truth?"
"No. I don't want the pity, or the false assumptions that bring more pity and make it sound like I'm miserable. I'm not."
Whipping his head around and slamming the body of the pen on the table, Bakugou spat, "And that's another thing I hate about you! If you're calling the horrific shit you've been through 'nothing,' and claiming over and over again that you're fine and not miserable, then anything I'm going through is just nothing at all!" Venom drenched his jaw. "But whatever… This ain't about me. You are miserable, Todoroki. I can barely stand to listen to you with how much you say you don't care, how hollow you are, how you just say what you think people wanna hear… If this were who you really were, I never would've wanted to be with you.
"And I don't care if this is selfish to say, but y'know, sometimes, I think to myself about how I'd almost have preferred if you were like this before. We never would've been together, and none of this shit would've happened. All the nights I ate and ate until I threw up just to bury the pain. All the mornings I woke up with the worst hangovers to forget the pain. All the afternoons I spent beating shit up until it hurt too much to keep doing it to suffer a different kind of pain. None of it had to happen. None of it…" Bakugou's heart was an incendiary obliterating his core each time his heart expanded.
Todoroki was silent for a moment. "I don't blame you. I put you through so much. It—"
Interpolating Todoroki's soft voice, Bakugou snarled, "It wasn't your fucking fault… It was his fault. It's not even really you I'm mad at for this all anymore. It's him, and yet, because he took the easy way out, there's not even any point in being mad." He furrowed his brows. "He took everything from me and everything from you. How are you just fine with that?" His eyelids drooped like the ears of a dog with its tail between its legs. "So, you've dehumanized yourself into not caring about what happens to you 'cuz you're just an object anyway?"
"Maybe," murmured Todoroki, who abruptly winced.
Bakugou's face contorted into a dolorous scowl. "Tell me what you felt when you were with him," he growled.
"I couldn't do anything." Todoroki's voice crept into Bakugou's ears like a shadow crawling down a staircase. "I couldn't ask for help. I couldn't struggle. I couldn't say anything about it to anyone. All I could do was keep it to myself and pretend as best as I could that nothing had changed. But it hurt." He audibly took a deep breath in. "I really…can't describe it as anything else. No matter how much it hurt, how much I vomited until nothing was left, or how much I wanted to die just to escape the pain than to endure it any longer, I just had to comply and keep quiet. I betrayed you, even if I had no choice. I betrayed you and broke you. I betrayed you and had to pretend like I did nothing wrong, and like I really did love him.
"Because of me, look at where we are now, and all the agony I put you through. I let him do whatever he wanted to me without complaint. I pretended to love someone who treated me like a puppet. You're right. It never had to happen." He covered his forehead with his forearm. "It's just what I deserve, I guess. I don't care." Despite his words, his voice was heavy and uneven like a thick pane of glass teetering on a ledge. "I could almost laugh at how my attempt to protect you and save Rui ended up like this. I could ask, 'What did I do to deserve this?' But I already know the answer: exist. And why do I exist? Yeah. If cruel irony is all my life is, I guess I'll kill myself on that hill with you."