Katsuki Bakugou

Bakugou couldn't describe the emotions assaulting his organs like knives as he huffed, "Shut the fuck up…" Rancor and something salty simultaneously burned and liquidized his voice. "I know you do care. Wasn't it unfair? Wasn't it sad what you had to go through? Wasn't it unforgivable? Think about the worst of it. What the fuck did you do to deserve that? You didn't deserve it, Todoroki. Listen to me." He scrutinized Todoroki's perturbed countenance. "What that bastard did to you was not okay at all. Nothing will validate or excuse what he did to you. He hurt you. That's a fact. Even if it is just cruel fucking irony that all this shit happened, that doesn't mean you deserve any of what he did to you! Aren't you angry that he did this to you?"

Todoroki shook his head. "No. What's done is done. Resentment would do me no favors, either. In fact, it would be nothing but a detriment. If I started to despise Rui with my entire being, where would that get me? I wouldn't be able to do anything about him. I'd be choosing to live perpetually in agony with no resolution. But I did deserve it. Regardless—"

"Bullshit," sibilated Bakugou. "So tell me why you deserved it, because it seems to me like you don't wanna get pissed at him because it's easier to blame yourself. You couldn't fix him. You failed to do the one thing you were hellbent on doing. Easier to think you fucked it all up and got what you deserved for failing rather than admitting that you got manipulated and abused, huh? Now tell me why you deserved to starve yourself half to death. Why you deserved to get beaten and cut by a selfish piece of shit like him. Why you deserved to—"

"Because all I've ever done is fuck things up…" hissed Todoroki in a baritone whisper: "There's a reason why this happened to me. It didn't happen for no reason. Everything happens for a reason. Even if there were no reason for it, life is unfair. That's just how things go. All I can do is keep going. Though, I guess I'm not going much further anymore." He tucked his chin into his blanket. "It'll finally be over," he mouthed.

Bakugou crushed his jaws together. I know you're stopping yourself from breaking. Surely you realize how fucked it is, right?! It's sad… And it's just sad that you won't let yourself feel sad, angry, or bitter about it. Even though it's blatantly all his goddamn fault, and you were a victim to him, you won't accept that. Instead, you'd rather convince yourself that everything was fine, and just forget the things that were too painful to remember? All this just to hold yourself together? His brows raised when he heard Todoroki's soft voice again.

"If none of the pain I've endured or the accomplishments I've achieved will matter once I'm dead, what was the point in going through it? It would have been better if I hadn't been so stupid so as to have told you my goodbyes before I'd done a damn thing. All the pain I put you through… You wouldn't have been as weak as I was if Rui had approached you. All the pain I've pushed onto Aizawa, our classmates now, my family… Isn't it ironic how I've practically lived my life wanting to die, but because I kept living, I caused so much more harm than good in the world? Why is that?"

Bakugou inhaled deeply. "'Cuz we're ending it before we can make the good outweigh the bad."

"But who can say if living on would have continued to bring more harm than good until the day we were supposed to die?"

"I don't fucking know… All I know is that I still want to go through with it, and that you'd probably cry if you'd just—"

"No."

"Why? Why would you be so unwilling to do it other than because it hurts too much? You want to cry from getting backstabbed in the worst fucking way possible, but not from feeling shit over what happened to you?"

"I'd rather be broken completely than believe I didn't deserve all that."

"Why?"

An empty chuckle fell from Todoroki's lips. "We're just going to loop back to asking why I think I deserve it. But really, I'm tired. Wake me up when you're done."

You're somehow the strongest person I know and the most fragile person I know, Bakugou realized while turning to face his partially-written letter. Even if this ain't the right choice, and even if it's selfish, I don't want you to go out of your way to break yourself completely if I'm not here to stop you. Knowing you, you'd just keep living, but you'd do it to bring the most pain and misery to yourself before dying of some fucked up reason. I'm sick of you hurting yourself and clearly drowning in so much pain that you forced yourself to deny it just to survive. You say you don't care, but yeah, must be easy to not care if you forced yourself to forget just to bear with the pain. And you're still clearly resisting the idea of just letting what happened sink in without dissociating from it. The night you came back and couldn't even function…

Lingering in a pool of both memories and thoughts, Bakugou continued to scribble arcs of ink onto the paper on Todoroki's desk. He could remember how the muscles in his face stretched with his thoughts, but although he reminded himself to maintain a neutral expression, his expression continued to flicker.

"Kat, I feel like you lost weight again. Is everything okay?"

That's what everyone else finds so great about me. They praise me for it. They want it. They hold me in a higher regard because of it. Every time I put the weight back on, there're waves of people who point it out. 'Didn't he used to be thinner?' 'Is it just me, or did he gain weight?' 'He looks good all bulky but he looks better when he's thinner.' 'He could stand to lose a few pounds.' I didn't care. It was the least of my concerns. But the more I saw that shit… And before I knew it…

"Heh. Course it is."

Todoroki's countenance sank with a bed of wrinkles. "I don't want you to starve yourself."

"I don't."

"Maybe not, but you restrict what you eat. I don't want it to get to that point. Eating disorders are vicious, and I don't want to see you damaging yourself like that. I'd be happy to hear your thoughts on it."

What's there to say? That I need to lose weight? I know that. And I'm obviously not doing enough to keep the weight off. Why am I…a failure at this too?

Used to fucking love food, Bakugou hissed to himself, espying Todoroki. Why did I do this to myself? Why? Every time… Why do I have to weaponize everything? Why is everything a competition and comparison? Why do I force everything I love to become everything I hate? He placed his hand on his stomach. I taught myself to hate eating food when I loved eating food, and then I taught myself to binge eat after I started to hate eating. Why? Not to mention how fucking awkward this made our relationship at times.

"Why did you avoid my kiss?" asked Todoroki.

I can't fucking tell you… I would rather die than tell you. I can't.

"Just…not in the mood."

Why?

"Shouto? About tonight… My old hag wants me to do some shit for her. I hate having to move shit like this, but—"

"It's fine."

No, it isn't. I can tell you're disappointed. But I don't want you to have to look at my body the way it is now. It's ugly. I'm fat. I know I'm not, but… Fuck. Can't wait to drink off the guilt later.

Maybe it's for the best that our relationship fell apart, Bakugou cogitated, holding down the emotions boiling in his stomach. It was probably on the path to it anyway. What're the odds we'd have even gotten married? Even if we did, God, that would've been shitty if we never worked out our shit. A ring ain't gonna stop the ship from sinking. But it hurts. For all we know, we could've had a timeline where we were happy together without that fucker coming into our lives. A timeline where we healed together, got married, and lived happily ever after. A timeline where we'd have been so happy we didn't choose to end it all. Why's it like this?

"Kat, I learned a magic trick. Can I show you?"

"Hah? Didn't know you were into that. Sure."

"Close your eyes."

Bakugou felt something warm embrace his lips as a hand cupped his cheek. "Mm!?"

"It's called: 'how to get a free kiss from Katsuki.'"

"I fucking hate you!"

Why did it all have to fall apart?

"God, it's fucking hot as balls."

"You think balls are attractive?"

"No! I mean… No. I'm fucking roasting in this heat."

"Oh. Here."

Todoroki pulled Bakugou's back into his chest, activating his ice Quirk to cool both his and Bakugou's bodies as he flopped back onto the couch in Bakugou's dorm. He placed a brief kiss on Bakugou's cheek.

"Asshole."

"Yours is right here. Boop."

"HEY! And your monotonous ass did not just say 'boop!'"

"You're right. It didn't. My mouth did."

"IT'S GONNA BE YOUR ASS NOW!"

Why couldn't we have continued that happy life?

"Honest question, Shouto. What would you save first: a bowl of cold soba, or me?"

"The cold soba."

"HAH?"

"Katsuki, I'm joking."

"Not funny. Fuck you."

"I'd burn down a soba factory for you."

"Now you just sound like a pyromaniac."

Pushing himself out of the chair at Todoroki's desk, Bakugou hobbled over to Todoroki, whose silent repose arrested his eyes. I still remember that awkward first night when we slept together. Hah. We weren't even intimate or anything. Just two awkward fucks who didn't know what to do. Doubt either of us imagined we'd ever get used to it. A thin smile spread across his lips. Guess this'll be putting him out of his misery, in a sense. But I still don't want him to kill himself. It's just…such a fucked way for things to go, and especially knowing what he thinks. After all he's overcome, and the thing he pulled himself out of the depths from is just gonna consume him in the end anyway? As if none of it mattered, and, like we've both come to think, it'd have been better if things had ended all that time ago?

Gently nudging Todoroki's shoulder, Bakugou waited for Todoroki's body to abruptly shiver. Then, taking a deep breath in, Todoroki's eyes slowly pulled open. The sheen of snow painted a crescent over Todoroki's pupils.

"Finished the letter," sighed Bakugou.

Todoroki blinked in silence for a few seconds. "I don't know if I can get up," he finally uttered under his hazy breath.

A liquid blade thrashed in Bakugou's chest. "What's wrong?" he queried, habitually moving his hand to grasp Todoroki's hand.

"Nothing. Really. My body just won't. Give me a few minutes." Todoroki blankly stared up at the ceiling.

Such bullshit, and you know it. You really don't think you're depressed?

"Does it have to do with why you suddenly left when Aizawa was here?"

Todoroki took a few more breaths before replying. "Maybe. I don't know." The outline of a smile crept over his visage. "Isn't it funny how not even my body will obey me? Even if I feel fine, sometimes my body refuses to cooperate. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like being chained in the sky by a cloud or hot air balloon. Break free, and you'll be destined to break something. Stay, and you'll just aimlessly float, floating even higher than before. It'd be better for you to just fall, but it's so much easier to lie there and wait. Just wait for it all to end… Otherwise, after you break away, you just wake up in the same place, as if nothing changed. Sounds more pleasant to not even bother when it won't stop until you do. You can't feel the pain of falling if you're already dead." He expelled a long, slow breath. "This brings me back to when I was sick, and even though I felt like I was dying from the inside, you treated me like royalty."

Bakugou clicked his tongue. "Yeah, yeah, whatever." He retracted his hand from Todoroki. "But seriously, this doesn't scream 'depression' at all to you? Everyone experiences it differently, no shit, but fact of the matter is that you do meet the 'criteria' for it, and not just because of one thing that happened to you. This has gone on for a long time and just gotten worse. You don't just lose your feelings, unless, I dunno, you literally had a chunk of your brain blown out. And what you're sayin' sure sounds like something your average person would connect to some kind of mental problem. You don't say it directly, but it kinda just implies that you do wanna die. Like you said, it seems more pleasant that way. At least, to you. But I firmly believe this is all a defense mechanism. Well, most of it."

A soft, voiceless laugh dripped from Todoroki's lips. "And we're back to this again. If you're trying to play the hero and get me to realize I do care like the ending to some fairytale, well, you've effectively given me another reason to die." His smile grew like a drop of dye slowly swimming into a thin, DNA-shaped curve. "Help me up, and let's end things."