A/N - Tomorrow is his 10th heavenly birthday and what would've been his 42nd here on earth. I'm a day early, but Happy Birthday Cory! You'll never be forgotten! ❤️❤️❤️🎂
* * * TRIGGER WARNING * * * for this chapter.
Rachel's about to finally tell Finn her story and it's not pretty, so... if any sort of domestic violence or sexual/physical abuse is an issue for you, maybe skip that section toward the bottom of the chapter. I've marked off about 600 words with an X's divider. It's not graphic or very detailed, but I'm not you, so I'm giving YOU the reader the choice.
Off we go...
CHAPTER 3 :: RETETHERING
Inside you the time moves
and she don't fade
The ghost in you, she don't fade
"Shit Hobbit, it's about fucking time! I was supposed to be at work half an hour ago. You're lucky Hugo loves me, and that I love this little Bebecito Baya – even if he did barf on my favorite new silk cami today."
"San, language! And I've told you repeatedly, silk is an inappropriate fabric to wear around infants! And yes I know I know, I'm so sorry for being so late, the damn train broke down... And... well something completely earth-shattering happened."
"Well? Spit it out, I'm already late."
"Finn is here."
Santana choked on her coffee mid-sip. "Holy shit, Frankenteen's in the Big Apple? How do you know?"
"Because I saw him. He was on the train with me when it broke down."
"Oh... well. Fuck. Did you talk?"
"Language please in front of young ears!"
"Hey, this little nugget doesn't know what the hell is being said right now. But stop changing the subject... I needs deets. So did you finally tell him anything?"
"San!" she scolded while scooping the baby up in her arms and making to cover his ears. "We talked a little, but NO, you know I can't tell him... and even if I could, I certainly wouldn't drop this news on him on a subway train in the middle of the city after not speaking to him for more than a year."
"Dammit Berry. No, I don't know you can't, I know you won't... big difference. And you know it's bullshit that you haven't told him by now – something you should have done a long fucking time ago because he has the right to know, I might add... but whatever. I don't have time to fight with you about it again right now. How long is Lumps in town? Make a date and fucking tell him already – or I might do it for you. And you already KNOW firsthand my track record for follow-through on a statement like that." Rachel's eyes narrowed to angry slits and she glared at the taller girl while certain painful memories from junior year high school leapt into her mind. Seeing the foul expression on RAchel's face, the Latina backtracked. "Sorry. Still too soon?"
"Much."
"Sorry again. Okay fine, I won't tell him, but you really should. And you didn't answer. How long's Daddy Longlegs gonna be in town?"
Rachel rolled her eyes and sighed. "Um... that's the other earth-shattering thing. Finn lives here now."
"Santa Madre de Dios... you mean he finally left Bumpkinville to get a life? Aww, our little Lurch is all grown up. So I guess that means he finally pulled his shit together after all. And it absolutely means you need to tell him." Rachel scowled in response. "We're not done talking about this, but Nana Tana's gotta fly, I'm losing tips as we speak. After an hour's nap he ate, barfed, ate some more, and had a bath. Kiss my little chicken wing g'nite for me, see you in the morning. Adiós!"
Once they were left alone in the apartment, Rachel turned all her attention to her son. She kissed his head and both cheeks and greeted him with a proper trademark pearly white smile. "How's mommy's little man today? Did you have a good day with Auntie Tana?" The small infant in her arms cooed and then burped. Rachel giggled. "I know sweetheart, she's a little crazy, but we kind of love her... kind of. And she's all we've got, right?" The baby kicked his feet around wildly, punched his fists in the air, and arched his back. "Well, I know. You're right, she's not ALL we've got. Maybe especially not after today. Maybe it's time we think about expanding our little family. What do you think?" He gurgled and chewed his fist with bright eyes, seeming to smile as he concentrated on his mother's face and the sound of her voice. "You know, mommy loves you no matter what, more than anyone in this world ever will... and I really want someone else to feel that way about you, too. Someone I think you'd really love a lot once you got to know him..." His sweet little coos got louder and a soft squeal erupted with a very clear smile. "You're right. Maybe coffee wouldn't be such a bad idea, huh?"
Rachel sighed, hugged her little bundle closer, and spent a long time thinking about what San said. She knows on so many levels that her friend was right; Finn did deserve to know. But how can she ever explain this to him, especially now? Would he understand? Would he ever forgive her for not telling him sooner? What if... no, she doesn't want to think about the what-ifs. She knows she's being irrational. A year of therapy has drilled into her head that Finn has always been more patient and forgiving and loving with her than anyone else in her life apart from her dads, and this irrational fear she's been harboring for so long is just that – irrational. Most importantly, Finn is NOT Brody. Her heart knows these things, but somehow, her mind just can't seem to fully get on board.
But Finn is the love of her life. She knows this. She still feels it too, and she still feels their tether, even after all the time apart from him and the horrible way she attempted to end things with him more than a year ago. She's thought of him every single day over the past sixteen months. It's pretty hard not to think about him each time she looks into the face of her son.
Rachel finds herself studying his tiny little features every day, wishing and hoping to start seeing some little freckles or that trademark Hudson smile emerge, but so far she only sees a mirror reflection. Her son is all Berry right now, with his thick brunette hair and big brown eyes. He even inherited her nose (she's sorry to say, and apologizes to him constantly for his bad luck at the gene pool).
After two hours spent doting over her son and having a quick salad for dinner, her little man began fussing and working his way into a cranky cry. Right on schedule, too. This was a nightly routine beginning around 7 pm. Rachel fetched a bottle of breast milk from the fridge and put it on the warmer. She did a quick diaper check and changed her son into a fresh onesie for bed, then took the warmed formula and his favorite snuggly blankie and headed for the nursery.
Settling into the rocking chair in his room, she offered up the bottle which he eagerly took. She smiled to herself, wondering if his voracious appetite was an inherited trait from his father – or well, the man she HOPED was his father. Although hungrily nursing his bottle, he still seemed a little fussy and she guessed he was starting to teethe and maybe that's why he seemed a little crankier than usual. "Are your little toofers starting to ache again my sweetie pie? I'm so sorry," she whispered as she leaned down and kissed his forehead.
Rocking him in her arms usually soothes the seven-month-old infant, and rocking while feeding is nearly a foolproof remedy for his case of the cranks. But sometimes it took a little extra effort to calm him, and today seemed to be one of those days. She began to hum a song that'd been playing in her mind all evening...
Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone
Or keep a straight face
As she softly sang the lyrics, she rocked slowly in the chair and closed her eyes. Visions of Finn swirled all around her mind. Their first kiss on a silly school girl's idea of a romantic picnic, their second kiss while on a bowling date borne of false pretense (though later she'd acknowledge that he meant it when he'd said that kiss was real – both of them). The way he fought for her while she dated Jesse St James... her heart clenched through each image. She missed him so much.
And I've always lived like this,
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now I had sworn to myself
That I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
The memory of the train station on what was meant to be their wedding day hit her hard. If he hadn't pushed her to come here the way he did, maybe they'd already be happily married and this baby in her arms would be growing up in a loving family with both a mom and a dad, with no tainted history attached. Finn would be so over the moon. She knows he'd always wanted this, a family of his own... and he'd wanted it with her.
But you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream
An image of the boy she loved in his blue button-down shirt over a gray McKinley t-shirt flooded her mind. She remembers how intently he watched her serenade him with this promise to trust him, to love and respect him, and allow him to live his dreams the way he allowed her to live hers. He was amazing. He was... he IS the only exception.
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, and I'm on my way to believing
She laid her now peacefully sleeping son down in his crib and pulled the soft blue blanket with little stars and drums and music notes on it snugly around him, turned on the baby monitor, and quietly left the room.
She spent the next three hours mentally wrestling herself. A shower and Funny Girl didn't settle her mind any further, and Santana's words wouldn't leave her. Her therapist told her she would know when the time was right to have contact with Finn again – too bad he wasn't a fortune teller who could've predicted the decision being made for her, and right after she left his office at that.
Rachel pushed herself off the couch, shut off the DVD player and headed over to her purse to fish out her cell phone. Noting the time, she hoped she wasn't disturbing him (though he did say to reach out any time).
She was still scared to speak about the nightmares that still haunted her and more afraid of what he might say or do if – no, when – he learned the whole truth, but deep down she was sure he was still the boy who loved her more than anyone else and she missed him desperately, every single day. It was finally time to trust him and past time to reconnect.
A quick text message was a start. 'Coffee tomorrow?'
. . . . .
"So you actually found her, and she invited you to have coffee. After all this time, like, totally randomly on the fucking subway?"
"Yep. Well, the invite was long after the fact, late last night, but yeah. Crazy right? More than 8 million people in this city... what were the odds of me just running into her like that?"
"I mean, normally I'd say like a billion to one, but it's you two, so..."
Finn's brow pinched in confusion. "What does that matter?"
"Dude? Shoe strings? Bungee ropes?"
"Wha— OH. You mean the tether."
Puck shrugged. "Yeah, whatever. Some kinda bondage shit like that you keep yammering on about."
"It's not bon– never mind. I'm just not real sure if it's still there or not. I mean I still feel it, but, like does it still count if she doesn't? 'Cause man, you didn't see how she acted. Maybe our tether was all in my head to begin with. Or maybe it was a high school thing and it's just over now."
"Oh, shut the fuck up, Finnessa! You're whining like a little bitch again. Get your head outta your vag, would ya? You two are like branded for life, with your little matching MFEO tat's stamped right in the middle of your foreheads. You're like a pair of whipped, lame-ass pansy—"
"Okay okay... Jesus, Puck! Look I know what you're trying to say – however indelicately your phrasing, but y'know, I fucked up pretty bad after graduation. And then there was the whole post-army detour through Georgia and the no-contact thing after that. It's a miracle she ever spoke to me again after that. I know we were on pretty good terms again for a minute there at the end, but seriously, how many chances do you think I get with her before she just cuts me out of her life for good? How many do I even deserve? So maybe she just decided I wasn't worth her effort anymore."
"Ahh. One, I think you're getting way too philosophical on me at this early-ass hour of the day, and B, I repeat, pull your head outta your vag. Okay, so maybe I've lost count how many of your nine lives are left, but I'm telling you it don't matter. She's given you some kinda like, lifetime free refills coupon book or whatever, so... I wouldn't stress about it too much. Anyway, that whole Jason Borne act you and Tana pulled with The Walking Dildo for Hire surely musta scored you some extra points, right?"
"Well... She wasn't pissed, at least she said she wasn't... and she did thank me, so I guess maybe, yeah? I don't know. I just... I wish the hell she'd quit hiding from me and TELL ME whatever there is to tell already. The fact that she won't, I don't even know what that means. I honestly kinda think THAT is what bothers me more, not whatever it is she's hiding, but the fact that she doesn't wanna tell me about it. Or thinks she can't."
"Yeah, that's a conundrum." Finn raised an eyebrow in question at his friend's choice of vocabulary. "What? Word-A-Day dictionary app. I can learn stuff too y'know, I don't need to go to a fancy ass college to expand my horizons." Finn just shook his head and chuckled. "But she doesn't hate you, right? She said that? And she said she still trusts you... so it sounds like just a Batshit-Berry thing. Y'know, her crazy diva ways or some shit like that. She'll tell you eventually."
"I hope so. But Puck, what if... what if it's something like, really bad? What if she's afraid of my reaction? Outside of her, like, dying of some rare untreatable disease, or, or having been completely humiliated in an audition, I can't imagine what she would want to hide from me so much. And she knows me, probably better than I know myself; what if she's afraid of how I'll react to whatever it is? And what if she's right?"
"Maybe she's hiding your secret love child from your last hotel hookup."
"That's not even funny dude! Rachel wouldn't ever do that to me... not in a million years." He had to take a second to let that very ridiculous idea wash over him. No, he was sure she wouldn't do that to him, not if it was his kid... and Puck might just be an instigating jerk, but still, maybe he was onto something..."But..."
"But what?"
"Nevermind. It's stupid man. Forget it."
"Speak! Let's hear it, I'm bored already and a good paranoid delusion or conspiracy theory is maybe just the pick me up I need."
Finn sighed and rolled his eyes at his friend. "I mean... if there's any chance she could've ended up pregnant, you don't think she'd like, get rid of it and hide that from me, right?"
"Why would she do that? Bro look I was fucking around when I said secret love child... because you're right. There's just no chance Berry wouldn't have hunted you down if you knocked her up. Just like I'm pretty sure there's no universe where she wouldn't wanna keep your freakishly giant offspring."
"Would she though? I mean think about it, Puck. In high school, yeah, for sure she would've told me first thing. But after I shipped her out here the way I did, then everything that's happened since, and her plans to live out her dreams... Dude, a baby would have been a total monkey wrench in all of it – school and Broadway. And I know she says she forgave me for the way I handled things back then, y'know breaking our engagement and stuff, but... I don't know. It's hard to feel like I still know her like that now because of all this distance between us to know for sure. These last sixteen months of no contact of any kind sure as hell haven't helped."
"Okay. I think you're coloring WAY too far outside the lines now, brother. I mean, sure you might be right, maybe she has changed in some ways you don't know about, especially in the last year or so, but there's just no way she'd dick you over with something like that. I think you need to just stop driving yourself crazy about it. She agreed to coffee, right? Hell, SHE invited you. So start there, and keep biding your time. You know she's gonna spill the T sooner or later, maybe even today. But you waited this long, you can hang on a little longer."
"I guess. And I hope you're right... because the not knowing is seriously messin' with my head, especially now that I've seen her again."
"When hasn't it? Dude I was with you for the first six months of breakdowns after the call that ended it all... I remember how messed up your head was."
"I'm better now."
"Yeah, you are – so now just keep it that way. And if whatever she has to say, whenever the fuck she finally says it, if it does turn out to be some like, grade A unthinkably horrifying shit, just, try to keep your shit together for her. So like, no kicking furniture, et cetera."
"Har har. I haven't kicked anything in years. Or well, over a year."
"What time's your coffee date?"
"In... shit, about an hour. I need to get moving."
"Well, good luck. And don't do anything stupid."
"I'll try my best," he said as he sent a mock salute on his way to change for his coffee... date? Is that the right term for this? Well, it was a meeting at least, and that was a start.
. . . . .
As Finn sipped his mochaccino in the dimly lit cafe, his knee bounced up and down relentlessly while he checked the clock for maybe the tenth time in as many minutes. She did say 9 am right? He was sure this was the right location. She didn't change her mind, did she? He needs to calm the hell down. She's only ten minutes late, but the Rachel Berry he knows (or well, knew) is always fifteen minutes early... but then, he had to remind himself maybe that was the old Rachel Berry and he was hoping to rediscover the current one – the one who was finally now walking through the door with a slightly panicked and apologetic look on her face.
He stood up as she spotted him and started making her way toward his table. "Finn, I'm so sorry I'm so late... how unforgivably rude of me–"
"Hey, no, stop. It's cool. You're right on time. No worries," he smiled and offered a loose hug which she seemed momentarily reluctant to return, but she did, if shyly. "I don't have classes today and I don't work til 2 pm so I've got loads of time. I uh, got you a brown sugar oat milk espresso, hope that's okay?"
She smiled warmly at his kind gesture as she set her purse down and slid out of the black Cardigan she'd been wearing. "You remembered?"
"Of course I did, Rach. Like I could forget." His statement seemed a little loaded and a warm blush colored her cheeks as she sipped her coffee.
"So... have you been waiting long?"
"Not at all, you're fine, I promise. Y'know, I um, I was really kinda surprised to get this invite though, considering our conversation on the subway yesterday. Good surprised, I mean, but surprised nonetheless."
"Yeah. I was a little surprised myself. I... Finn, I need to thank you. Thank you for having patience with me and... and for not giving up on me."
"Rach, you don't need to thank me. And if you haven't let it sink in yet after all these years, I'm never giving up on you."
A small smile pulled up on her face. "I hope you mean that." And she really did... especially when she finally found the courage to explain everything. She hoped this moment wasn't the opening of the final curtain call on their relationship. She'd only gotten through the past year because of therapy and a voice in her head that told her someday she would find a way to come back to him... but he could just as easily tell her he never wanted to speak to her again and pull the someday rug right out from underneath her.
"Listen, Finn, I.. I know I said I wouldn't have any time at all for a social life. As I said, my life is very complicated now. However, while I wasn't making that up, I just think maybe somehow, we can try to reconnect... but we need to go slow. I've missed having you in my life so much, Finn. I guess it took seeing you yesterday to remind me just how much."
His lopsided grin appeared and he fixed his sincere amber eyes on her nervous brown ones as he reached across the table placing his hand over hers. "Well, I've been here, Rach, waiting. By now you should know, you don't ever have to miss me. I'm not trying to push you to say anything you aren't ready to talk about, but it's important you understand and believe this: I'm here. I've been here, and I'm always gonna be here for you, whenever and however you need me. I'm serious." He gave her hand a gentle but lingering squeeze and brushed his thumb over her knuckles.
She felt the sting of tears threaten to mist her eyes. Of course he was still there, he was her Finn. She just needed to keep reminding herself of that fact. Maybe everything would be okay once he knew everything. "Okay. Thank you Finn. I guess I do know, and I've always known that, it's just... sometimes things change, you know?"
He sipped his coffee while nodding, then softly added "And sometimes things stay exactly the same."
She smiled in return and decided to lighten the conversation. "So tell me about you. Have you been well? Tell me how you came to be here in New York."
He cleared his throat and took another sip of his coffee. "Yeah well, there's not really that much to tell. I uh, I enrolled at U of L, as you already know, just taking general courses to start. I think I'd already told you I was thinking of teaching music, but surprisingly, I found I really enjoyed my English Lit class, so I may use that as a fallback.
"Anyway, yeah. Classes were going pretty great, actually. Who knew I'd be the guy who enjoyed being all studious and academic?" She giggled as he continued. "I mean, I'm sure my GPA has suffered at least a little bit without my constant nagging tutor and study buddy being around to push me to focus more..." he squeezed her hand and gave a little wink "But to be honest, she's still the little voice in the back of my head telling me to keep my eyes on the prize."
He chuckled softly and gauged her reaction. She seemed to be at ease and he was glad. The last thing he wanted to do was stick his size thirteen foot in his mouth and freak her out. He was a little worried that explaining why NYC to her was going to do just that though, but he pushed ahead answering her questions.
"And um, you know, New York was... well, it was always in my plans, Rach."
"It was?"
"Of course it was. I uh... I figured I'd start with Lima U but that was never the real plan; it was meant to be a springboard to test the waters, see if I could even hack it. Home was still a safety net close by in case I needed it. But before the end of the first term I was already filling out applications hoping to transfer here."
"You never mentioned that to me before," she murmured softly. "I wish I'd known. I could have helped you search for schools or with applications."
"I know you would've done just that, but I was sort of hoping to do it on my own and maybe surprise you."
She gave him a knowing look. "You were worried you'd disappoint me if you tried but didn't get in."
He sighed and gave her the ghost of a smile but didn't respond to her (correct) assumption. "So... yeah, New York was always my goal. I mean, there are some great schools here, and a whole lot more teaching opportunities than back in Ohio. So, finally being accepted at NYU was like a dream come true. But really Rach, we both know the main reason I chose to come here. I never wanted only half of my dreams to come true."
She kept her eyes focused on his warm, welcoming gaze, letting it wash over her like a blanket, like a hug. Every word from his lips was basted in love, even after all this time, and she didn't feel like she deserved so much devotion from him after the hell she'd put him through... the hell he doesn't even know about yet. "I... I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything, Rach. Look, I know I didn't handle the rejection from Pace so well, and the whole running off to the army deal wasn't probably one of my best ideas either... but the worst mistake I ever made was letting you leave Ohio without marrying you first – or at least making sure you knew that I still wanted there to be an US. I was never giving up on us Rach, I was... I guess I just needed to find ME first, that's all. I should've explained that to you then."
"Finn–"
"No. No, Rach, please, let me just... We've barely touched on this subject over the phone but I've never been able to say this stuff to you face to face yet, and there's so much more for me to say. Look I know we were so young – hell, we still are, but we've gone through so much in the past six years. And this last stretch of no contact at all, it just about fucking killed me at first." He noticed her tense up and he grabbed her hand to try to reassure her this wasn't an attack. "Sorry, I'm just being honest. Anyway. I never really got to tell you how sorry I was – I AM – for all of it, for all the screw-ups and the letdowns and the lack of communication. For all the times when I should have been there for you and I wasn't. The months I was in Georgia... it shouldn't have happened like that. I should've talked to you more in the beginning. I should have listened to you more. I should have believed in myself more..."
"Finn, it's okay, I understand now. You were lost and overwhelmed. You'd just learned the truth about your dad's death and you needed time to sort things out and–"
"No Rach, no, it's not okay. I hurt you, deeply. I've hated myself for that ever since. And I could've answered even ONE of your texts or calls just to tell you what was going on in my head, just to tell you it wasn't your fault, to tell you how much I loved you and never wanted to lose you... but I didn't do any of that and it drove you straight into another guy's arms – a guy who turned out to be an even bigger asshole than Jesse St James, as if that were possible. That was MY own fault."
Rachel tensed at his roundabout mention of Brody and Finn picked up on it immediately.
"I'm sorry for all of that Rach. I still regret a lot of things from high school up until now, but my biggest regret is just not being there for you when you needed me the most."
"But you were there when it counted the most, Finn... just because we didn't see each other, doesn't mean you weren't with me. You helped me for Funny Girl, and you told me all the time how much you believed in me... you.. you even defended my honor."
"I'd do it again, every time Rachel. I'm always gonna be here for you, even if you don't want me to be. Even if you're going through some crazy spell and convincing yourself that I don't care, or even when you try to push me away... you can always come back. Something I've learned over these years is, yeah sure, my life goes on without Rachel Berry in it. But that's not a life I want... because when she's in it, everything is so much better. I may not need you in my life Rach, but better than that, I WANT you there. You're NOT a distraction to me either, so please never say that again. Don't think I don't know that line was a crock of shit designed to push me away sixteen months ago, right? Well.. sorry babe. It didn't work."
She looked down at her lap and sighed, regret clear in her expression. "Clearly not."
"Rach, I know I've screwed up with you too many times in the past but I'm not gonna screw it up again. Or y'know, maybe I will but I'll always learn from those mistakes and fight like hell to fix it again." She giggled a little at his candor. "My point is, if you need to go slow, or you wanna hide from me for another year, or you wanna storm out that door right now... it doesn't matter. I'll still be right where you left me, waiting for you to find me again. There are a couple of shoulders here reserved for your tears and a couple of arms with a hug waiting on standby. You're a part of me Rach, and that'll never change. And I don't want it to."
She didn't realize tears were streaming down her cheeks until Finn's fingers were brushing them away.
"Oh Finn... I hope you really mean that... even if I don't deserve it. Just to set the record straight, though, we've BOTH made mistakes and we've both hurt each other at times. But I don't regret our journey – the good or the bad – because it's OURS. Even those bad times, I think they make me appreciate the good ones even more.
"I also owe you an apology, for being so... f-for cutting you out of my life, for hurting you again. I've thought about you, every day since that last call. As much as I want us to reconnect, I still have... complications in my life. There are things you don't know and... and I want to be able to tell you everything, but I'm not quite ready. So maybe we can start slow and just, let's see where this leads. I can't make promises or commitments right now, but I don't want this no contact thing between us anymore either. I know it hurt you so much which I'm eternally sorry about, but if it's any consolation, doing so hurts me too...so, let's not do that anymore, okay?"
He was around her side of the table in a flash engulfing her in his arms and pressing kisses in her hair. "Deal."
. . . . .
Over the next several weeks, Rachel and Finn met twice a week for coffee. It just so happened that he was free in the mornings two out of the three days per week that she went to therapy – even though she hadn't told him about any of that yet.
He asked her about her job and she told him she was waitressing and the tips were quite good. He didn't do a very good job of hiding his surprise at her current occupation but made no further comment about it – in fact he didn't even ask where she was working and she was grateful. He seemed to be respecting her request to go slow, so he rarely asked follow-up questions or pushed for more details than she willingly offered.
She could tell he was holding back a lot around her, even walking on eggshells, but she believed that meant he understood it was what she needed from him right now, and it made her love him that much more.
When the subject of NYADA came up, she politely told him she didn't want to talk about school. She didn't really understand why he just accepted her response without question but was relieved that he did. He'd also asked her about auditions or roles she might have gotten over the last year and a half and she evaded him.
She felt guilty for not being forthcoming yet, but she couldn't very well explain why she'd dropped out of school and all but let her Broadway dreams fall by the wayside without telling him everything, and she wasn't ready to tell him everything yet – though each coffee date brought her a little closer to ready.
By the third week, coffee dates had become lunch dates, but on different days than her therapy appointments. This meant she was seeing Finn three or four times a week now. She met him on campus at NYU (which was convenient since her therapist was only a few blocks away) and he'd take her to his favorite lunch spots – which to her surprise included several vegan spots. He never let her spend a dime – chivalrous to the bone as usual, and she felt their bond strengthening day by day.
Their (mostly) easy rapport and comfortable silences were like second nature as the fragmented pieces of their past were slowly falling right back into place. Simple touches, greetings with cheek kisses, intimate looks, parting hugs, and even hand-holding a few times – it all felt natural for both of them. It felt a lot like starting from the beginning again for both of them really, like falling in love all over again (not that either of them ever fell out).
Despite the comfort and familiarity of being around Finn so often, she still held back sharing too much about herself and what her life had become. Mostly, he filled the conversation with tales of college life, his new job, new friends he'd made both at Lima U and now in NYC, and the crazy shit Puck had been up to during their communication hiatus (of which there was an endless supply of stories to be told).
He never pushed her for more details about her life, always patiently accepting whatever scraps of information she was willing to dole out. He was just enjoying being in the moment with her, but he'd be lying if he said it wasn't somewhat hurtful that she still didn't feel able to open up completely to him yet. He just reminded himself that this time with her was more than he'd had in the last couple of years and that she would get there in due course.
Rachel finally accepted his (third) dinner date invitation by week six. She still carried the weight of her dark secret and the anxiety over telling it to him, but she had a few very intense therapy sessions dedicated to doing exactly that and felt like she would soon be able to face her fears.
She knew she was going to have to come clean with him soon, they were getting too close again for her not to. Santana lectured her about it daily now and the guilt was eating her alive. Part of her was still terrified at how he would react to learning that she was a mother now, and even more terrified at his reaction to the prospect that she'd potentially hidden his child from him... but she hoped he would understand somehow.
After a good number of pep talks with herself, she finally resolved that maybe after this dinner date they could either go for a walk in the Central Park and find a quiet place to talk or come back to her place where she would finally explain everything.
Of course, they never quite made it that far before her house of cards came crashing down.
Santana had just left, having eagerly agreed to take the baby and spend the night at Dani's (her current girlfriend) in the event that she and Finn might come back to their apartment to talk. Finn was picking Rachel up at her apartment at 6:30 pm. It was a big step when Rachel finally gave him her address and she could read the joyous look in his eyes that the simple gesture brought him. (It also made her feel even more guilty for withholding that information for so long.)
As she rushed around her apartment, she couldn't stop checking and re-checking that all signs that an infant lived there were hidden well out of sight, at least for the time being. She had hoped everything would go well with her confession tonight because she was honestly quite eager to introduce Finn to her (their?) son.
For a brief moment she considered that in lieu of going through the entire story, she might simply bring him to meet the baby and then do all the explaining. At first, she thought it would be the simplest way and a buffer that might hopefully soften Finn's reaction – after all, he surely wouldn't explode in front of a seven month old child, right? But then she realized how the shock of the situation might impact his ability to hear anything she had to say afterward and decided against that idea. It was best to talk first and then allow them to meet later – assuming FInn was open to it. After all, she was a mother first now, and protecting her son was paramount, no matter what.
She heard the knock at the door and found her hands trembling as she opened it. This was a big step for her, letting him in, bringing him that much closer to the inner workings of her new reality, but she knew she needed to take the leap of faith and trust that Finn would be everything he kept promising he would – patient, reliable, and there for her no matter what.
"Wow Rach, you look beautiful," he greeted her with a cheerful smile and a kiss on the cheek. "Are you about ready to go?"
She smiled warmly and blushed at his compliment. "Thank you Finn. Um, I'm nearly ready, if you'd like to have a seat, make yourself comfortable. I still need to grab my shoes and purse. I'll just be a moment."
"Take you time," he said with a half grin. He looked around the small apartment and he took a seat on the sofa as Rachel scurried out of sight to her bedroom. He barely had a moment alone in the room when the front door opened and Santana came rushing in with a fussing baby strapped in a car carrier seat in tow.
When she saw Finn shoot up to his feet looking at her like a deer caught in headlights, she froze.
"Hey San, long time no see. You uh, you look goo— wait, is that your baby? Holy hell, when did that happen? How did that happen?"
Santana stood with her mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water, then laughed hysterically. "MINE? Oh hell no, are you crazy?!"
Rachel heard the commotion and rushed back into the room. Her entire body felt cold as Santana greeted her with an apologetic expression. "Sorry Hobbit, I thought you'd be gone by now. I needed to grab the baby Tylenol, it wasn't in his bag. He's a little warm and fussing a lot."
Oblivious to Finn, who was still standing slack-jawed at being in the presence of a real baby, Rachel brushed past him and went straight to the car carrier. She checked his forehead for a fever and lifted her son out, cradling him against her chest. "Did you take his temp, San? He does feel a little warm."
"No, the thermometer was still here with the Tylenol, hence my coming back."
"Excuse me but uh, who's kid is this? Rach?" Finn stepped a little closer to her, trying to get a look at the baby.
Rachel's wild panicked eyes flickered up at Santana who offered an encouraging expression intended to say 'TELL HIM NOW' while tilting her head in Finn's direction.
Rachel turned to face Finn, who was looking at her with utter confusion. She took in a big gulp of air and plastered a sweet smile on her face. "Finn. I was going to tell you all of this after dinner but, well... here we all are. I would like you to meet Camden Isaac Berry... m-my son."
She watched Finn's face carefully to gauge his reaction. He was always an open book to her and even now she expected to know how he felt before he uttered a word. The first thing she saw was shock, then pain rolled through his eyes... or really, more like hurt. And possibly regret.
"You're... Rach, you're a mom?" he said slowly, as if convincing himself. "He's your son?" Rachel nodded but said nothing, allowing him time to process. Finn took a small step toward them and took a long look at the baby in her arms. "He's beautiful Rach. He looks just like you. Why... H-how... how old is he?"
"Seven and a half months," Santana supplied, "Born November first." Okay, she wasn't about to out Rachel's truth directly, but she also didn't want to give her any opportunities to hide anything else from Finn at this point.
Finn's brow slowly pinched together and his face crumbling before Rachel's eyes. She was sure he was working out the math in his head. A long intense silence filled the room.
Finn felt sick. His stomach lurched and his brain screamed at impossibility of it all. She couldn't have. She wouldn't have... would she? But right now it seemed all evidence was to the contrary and it appeared she HAD. His pleading eyes searched her scared giant brown ones looking for an honest answer, a truth that would disprove his worst fears, that would assure him she hadn't – could never – betray him in this way.
"Rachel... we were, we had... Is he... tell me the truth, is he mine?"
Rachel's eyes darted between Santana and Finn and she didn't answer right away. After a long beat the only word she could get out was a pleading "Finn..." and she was struggling to find the next thing to say. She watched him take a step back from her silence as his lips pursed into a straight line.
Rage. That was the next emotion she saw flash over him. Red hot fire-breathing rage. She knew she needed to hurry up and say something, anything to try and explain, but the words were caught under the massive lump in her throat and all the fear she had about this moment seemed to suddenly be justified.
He didn't yell or scream or even kick anything, he just glared unblinkingly between her and the baby. Finally he spoke, clearly trying to keep his emotions contained. "All this time we've been spending together... all this time since you found out you were.. pr-pregnant... that phone call... this, THIS is what you've been keeping from me? How could you not tell..." His words that were quietly spoken through gritted teeth trailed off. His eyes squeezed shut tightly and he took a long deep breath then exhaled slowly. "I can't believe... I – I can't.." and he turned for the door.
Rachel was in tears and immediately retreated to the nursery taking Camden with her. Before Finn could even make another move to exit the apartment, Santana wedged herself between him and the door. "NO. You don't get to do that, Lurch."
"What the fuck... move Santana."
"No. You need to stay. You need to hear her out."
"I need to get out of here before I say or do something I'll regret."
"You need to sit the fuck down and calm yourself, Finn. She has a story to tell and a good fucking excuse for why things ended up like they did – although, I have been kicking her ass every day for a year and a half to just tell you about it already. But she's been terrified, and even a year and a half of therapy hasn't seemed to get rid of her fears."
"Therapy?"
"Therapy. Three times a week, intensive therapy."
"Well, shhhe's always gone to a shrink, so what does that–"
"No Finn, not for her normal Rachel Berry annoying anxiety issues. Something happened to her. Something bad. She was going to explain everything to you tonight, or so she said. Look, I get it, you're freaking out. I don't even blame you – I'd be pissed too. But she's finally ready to tell you her story. Are you gonna stick around to hear it, or are you gonna prove her fears right and abandon her?"
"That's what she's been so afraid of, that I would ABANDON her? San... I'd never.."
"Your hand is still on the doorknob, Finn."
He looked down seeing that she was right and quickly pulled his hand off the knob as if it were made of molten lava. "Shit." He sighed loudly and looked into Santana's eyes. "You've been calling me Finn. You never do that. In fact I was convinced you didn't actually know my real name anymore. This must be serious, huh?"
"It is. Listen. Despite everything, she still loves you and trusts you... and the fact that she trusts ANYONE right now is kind of a holy shit big deal. Finn, she needs you, probably now more than ever. So whatever you're feeling at this moment, you just need to suck it up for a while because I promise you, it's NOTHING compared to what she's been through."
He stared into the fiery expressive eyes of Santana Lopez for the longest time. "Just tell me one thing. Did she seriously hide my own kid from me?"
"Let her tell you her story, Finn; it's not mine to tell. You'll get all the answers you need, you just have to want to hear them."
. . . . .
He knocked softly on the nursery room door and peeked in when he didn't get an answer. What he found was Rachel, slumped on the floor against a corner wall, cuddling her son and sobbing hysterically.
"Rach... Rach, I'm sorry."
She didn't look up or respond in any way, so he moved slowly toward her and sat down next to her. "Rach? Rachel, look at me," he tried, but she was so consumed in silent body-wracking sobs he wasn't sure his words were registering with her. He finally wrapped his arms around her and pulled her and the baby into his lap, tears of his own forming in his eyes.
"I'm here Rach. I promised you I'd be here, always, no matter what... and I'm not breaking that promise. I'm sorry I upset you, I was just... shocked."
After a few minutes she began to quiet down, and Camden began to scream and cry. Santana quickly came into the nursery.
"Rachel, I've got him. I'm sure he's just teething, the pediatrician already told us to expect this. I can handle that, so I'll take him and you two can talk."
"But what if he's really sick, San? What if it's worse than just teething? There's been a bug going around at daycare and I should be with him, I'm his–"
"Yeah yeah, you're his mami, and his mami has something much more important to deal with right now. So his Auntie Tana has got this covered. Me and the chicken wing will be at Dani's, but if he gets any worse I'll take him straight to the emergency room at Children's and call you immediately, okay? He'll be fine."
Rachel reluctantly allowed Santana to scoop the baby up from her arms and take him back to Dani's. Finn stood and helped Rachel up from the floor, then held her in his arms silently for several minutes.
"Are you okay? You need a glass of water?"
She nodded against his chest and he took her hand, guiding them back to the living room. He sat her on the couch while he went rummaging through her kitchen looking for a glass. When he returned with the water, she was sitting with her head in her hands and clenching a fist full of wadded tissues tightly. He sat on the foot stool in front of her and gently rubbed her knees as she sipped her water.
"I'm sorry Finn. I'm so sorry I never told you anything about this, but I can explain."
"I know you can, and I'm listening... take all the time you need, I'm not going anywhere."
"I'm not sure where to begin, um... I guess at the beginning? You remember when San brought you out here for the thing w-with Brody, right?" He nodded but he felt the hairs raise on the back of his neck. So Brody has something to do with this story?
"Well. The day after you confronted him, I went to see hi at school and officially broke up with him. I told him I knew the truth about his extracurricular sexcapades and he was sort of angry. He said he knew I'd slept with you at the wedding and I was still in love with you but was lying to him about it all."
"Wait, you mean you never told him about us?"
"No... because I didn't feel like it was any of his business. Because... because he was right. I was still in love with you, and I didn't want to share that with him. That was something too personal, too meaningful to me. But you were in Ohio and I was here alone and I... I never loved him, Finn. You already knew that of course, but you had it all so right. Brody was just filling a hole in my heart, filling this giant Finn shaped void in my life and doing a really bad job of it I might add."
Finn moved over to the couch next to her and wrapped an arm around her pulling her close. "I'm sorry Rach."
"No, don't be, Finn... you and I, we already hashed out OUR part of this story. This is the part you haven't heard yet though. Anyway, he um, he was a bit upset that I was breaking up with him. And when I walked away from him that day, I had an uneasy feeling about the way he looked at me."
:❌:❌:❌:
"Rach did he... did he do som–"
"Let me just get this out while I still think I can, okay? So. Later that day I wanted to practice for my dance recital that counted as twenty percent of my grade in Miss July's class. I was there that night after hours, just me alone in the studio and everything was fine. It was late in the evening and I was beat, hungry, and really I wanted to get home to call you one more time before I went on voice rest for the Fanny callback. But when I was in the change room, I heard a noise and realized... it... It was him. It was Brody."
"Oh god Rach, baby... please don't... if you're going to say–"
An expression of pure horror and despair colored his eyes. Maybe it was her newfound mothering instincts kicking in, but she turned to face Finn and took both his hands in hers as some sort of grounding force or reassurance. "Finn, I need you to know everything, I need you to understand, okay?" He nodded and leaned his forehead against hers as she finished her story.
"He never said a word. At least, not a word I could remember. And at first I didn't remember anything. In fact for a long time, I didn't remember many details at all. The memories came back slowly over days. That night, the night it happened, I'd woken up in the emergency room with bruises and cuts and a couple of broken ribs. My eye orbit had sustained a hairline fracture and my eye was swollen shut already."
"Where the fuck is he? I'll kill him Rachel. I swear to god he's a dead man!"
"Finn calm down, please. Please. This is exactly why I was afraid to tell you back then, because I knew precisely how you would react. There was no way in hell I was letting you end up arrested because of him. And anyway, you can't kill him. He's already sitting in jail, unable to make the $150,000 bail bond set for him."
"Good. He better never get out. Oh my god baby... you went through all this without me? Dammit Rach, I would've been here in a heartbeat if I'd known! I should've been here with you, I–"
"Finn. I know. I know... I just couldn't put you through it, it would have destroyed me to see that pain in your face. The pain I see now. I couldn't let you hurt like that, I wish so much that I didn't have to do it now. I definitely couldn't let you blame yourself for his actions either."
"Blame myself? Why would I– Rachel. Aw, no. No. Fuck. This was his retaliation for me coming here, for our fight. Oh my god... this is my fault."
"NO IT ISN'T! Finn, listen to me, PLEASE. You didn't make his choices, HE did. He lied to me, he used me, cheated on me, threatened my health and well being with his disgusting illegal lifestyle choices, and you, you just protected me. You and Sanny. You looked out for me and I love you both so much for that, for seeing what I couldn't, for taking care of me." She was sobbing again with her hands resting on his face trying to make him realize, this wasn't his fault and she did not blame him for what happened.
"Baby," was all he could choke out through his own tears, as he gently kissed her cheeks and nose and eyes. "Baby... I still should've been here. If I'd been here from the start, none of this would have ever happened to you."
"Finn. Y-you can't blame yourself for any of this please, it hurts me to know you would take this on yourself. I know you love me, and you did what you did out of love – all of it, from high school until right now. So stop it okay? You're a million times the man that Brody Weston could ever hope to be and never WILL be. I made the mistake of trusting the most vile monster, a wolf in sheep's clothing. I got myself into this mess, not you, not anyone else. Even still, my choices were NOT responsible for his choices. He chose to do this to me, nobody forced him. And Finn... there's still more to the story. He... he assaulted me that night. He forced himself on me and... oh god, I just need to say the word out loud. I've been working on saying out loud in therapy because not saying it means maybe it didn't happen but... he raped me. I was raped."
:❌:❌:❌:
All the color drained from Finn's face. He jumped up from her grasp and ran to the kitchen, making it to the sink just in time to empty the bile that heaved from his stomach, then slumped to the kitchen floor.
Rachel ran in after him and knelt down on the cold tile floor, a comforting hand on his forearm. She couldn't speak, she didn't know what to say. He couldn't speak either. He just looked at her with so much sorrow in his eyes. He pulled her into his lap and clung to her as if his life depended on the feeling of her touch, her warmth. Just to know that she was still real and still here was all that sustained him in that moment.
After easily half an hour in that position, she whispered the final piece of the story. "Two weeks later, I took a home pregnancy test that was positive. Finn, I-I don't know for sure, because you and I were together just two weeks prior and I've done the math and talked to my OB/GYN and she couldn't say either. So I don't know for sure. But I know I want him to be yours. Cam's MINE, he will never be anyone else's, but he CAN'T be his, I won't let him be."
Finn held her tighter and said simply, "Then he never will be, Rach. And if you want him to be mine, then he's mine. He can be ours, if that's what you want."
tbc...
Song Credits:
Chapter header lyrics from 'The Ghost in You' by The Psychedelic Furs
'The Only Exception' by Paramore, from the 2009 album Brand New Eyes; was performed by Rachel in the choir room to Finn in episode 2x02 'Britney/Brittany'