I don't wanna touch you (I don't wanna be)
Just anther ex-love (you don't wanna see)
I don't wanna miss you (I don't wanna miss you)
Like the other girls do
~ End Game, TS
Uncomfortable.
That's the only word Dawn could use to describe the state she was in. She shifted a little, the seatbelt brushed against her neck so she sat up straight and pulled it away. Very painfully and slowly, she turned her gaze away from the window towards the person on the driver's seat, trying to read his expression. She saw the city lights reflecting on his pretty face and looked away, feeling a knot forming in her stomach. She tried to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling and the tightness in her chest.
So far, she had made zero progress. She could feel her heart clenching in anticipation and wanted nothing else but to fix this with him, although she wasn't sure what was actually wrong between them.
"Thanks for picking me up," Dawn said, trying to break the uncomfortable silence. She just saw him humm in response and the knot in her stomach began growing bigger.
He was definitely avoiding her.
The thought of him refusing to even look in her direction was making her feel... so small and abandoned. 'Talk to me, say something,' She prayed to god, hoping that he would atleast tell her what put him in such a bad mood.
"You don't have to drive me home, I will just pick Oli up then get an uber," Dawn started again, hoping, dying, praying to get an response from him.
"Ok."
Dawn was at the edge of her seat, hoping to get more response from him. On seeing him go absolutely silent, she took in a breath, realising he wouldn't speak to her. "Yeah."
They fell into the uncomfortable silence again. Dawn started staring out of the window again, wondering how she even ended up in this condition. She was just enjoying the bachelorette party and ended up at Ray's place and Ash came to pick her up.
It made no fucking sense to her.
She began tracing her steps back to the event, trying to recall the details through her foggy memory. She remembered playing the drinking game. She remembered saying something about owning Ash. And the next thing she remembered was calling Ray because she broke his heart.
When Ray had picked up the call, he sounded surprised. Dawn would be surprised too if he had called her out of the blue. And somehow her apologizing had coerced Ray to come pick her up. After that, everything was just a blank. All she remembered now was her gaining consciousness and Ash arriving to pick her up. Did she call up Ash when she was drunk? She had no idea.
"Do you have any medicine in your house?"
Dawn looked at him, feeling a sudden wave of relief washing over her. He finally talked. It wasn't much but atleast it was something. "I don't think so." She felt like a little girl who had just been praised by the person she looked up to.
"Then I will throw something in there," Ash took a turn and Dawn couldn't help but notice the small frown on his face. His grip on the steering wheel was firm and absolute, his eyes unwavering. Oh lord. He was angry.
"Thank you," Dawn took in a deep breath to gain some courage. Ash rarely got angry and she had no fucking idea which landmine she stepped on to make him angry.
She stole another glance at him and felt the heavy sinking feeling in her heart returning. The alcohol in her system wasn't helping her either. All she wanted to do was talk to him. And preferably kiss him. Kiss him so much that it would make him want her like before.
She quickly shook those thoughts away; she must be going crazy.
One thing was for sure. She was attracted to this man. Physically, yes. Emotionally? She didn't know.
Or maybe she did but she didn't want to dwell on it. Because the moment she would accept that she had fallen for him, again, she would lose the fight. She would lose all those years she tried to get over him. She would lose all the sanity she had left with her if she accepts that the longing, the desire, the need, the urge to have him beside her was out of love. She couldn't fall for him again. She just couldn't afford to fall for him.
And she didn't even know how the thought of owning him slipped in her mind. She wouldn't mind that but that sounded so wrong to her. How the hell do you even own a person? Why the hell would she want to own a person? The fucking audacity of her mind was making her go nuts.
"I am sorry you had to come pick me up," Dawn started, trying to get rid of all the indecent ideas and impulses she was getting,"From there." Oh god, if she is left alone with her thoughts for more than five minutes, she would do something stupid out of impulse and regret it forever.
"No issues. But he should have atleast taken you home after..." Ash stopped, shuffling his mind to look for the correct word. It took him a lot of self-control to not utter the word 'hookup'. Using that would just degrade Dawn and it wasn't like he had a say in anything. Dawn could do whatever the hell she wanted. "After he picked you up from the party."
"If I remember correctly I called him up to apologise and he was in the neighborhood, so he came to visit me," Dawn quickly took out her phone,"I don't understand why the girls would allow me to go with him."
"Because he suggested that he would take you home and you agreed," Ash filled in the details for her and Dawn's eyes snapped in his direction. He gave her a blank, unreadable smile. "Dawn, don't look at me like that. You were not picking up up so I called May to find out when you were going to come to pick Oli up. She told me you left with Ray."
"Oh."
Dawn was sure Ash was going to say something but he didn't. And she was way too intoxicated to think about another conversation starter.
"Do you want to wait in the car or come inside my flat till your uber arrives?" Ash asked, snapping her back to reality. She turned to face him and saw he was standing outside, his figure hunched over so he could talk to her through the window.
Dawn quickly looked at her surroundings, finding herself in Ash's parking lot. She sheepishly got out, saying,"I haven't booked the uber yet."
"Then come on."
She slowly followed him into the elevator, the door closing behind her with a soft thud. She leaned against the wall, the sudden movement of the elevator making her feel even more nauseated. Instinctively she reached out and held his hand, muttering,"Oh god."
No matter how angry he was at her, he couldn't help but wrap his arms around her, her head buried in his chest as he kept drawing circles on her back to relieve her. "Nauseated?"
She hummed in response.
The embrace was sending fireworks though her entire being and she hated the moment the idiot box came to a halt. She had to let go.
However, Ash just slightly removed her from his embrace, his arms still around her shoulder. "Do you think you can walk? I can carry you."
The offer was very tempting but Dawn shook her head, deciding against it. She was already using his kindness to her own advantage way too much. Any more and the guilty conscience would never let her rest.
"I can walk."
The arm around her shoulder was a weird reassurance and her mind kept going back to the days when she spent days in his arms, without any care in the world. 'Oh,' She could feel the gears turning in her head,'Maybe this is why I wanted to-'
"You know," She mumbled, her face feeling warm due to their close proximity. She hated the effect of alcohol combined with his intoxicating smell on her body. "I… "
"Hmm?"
She watched how his long fingers fumbled through his keys, trying to open the door. God the thoughts which were running through her head were not so innocent. She could hardly keep her focus when he was opening the door, his fingers grazing the door knob. And then it clicked. Maybe, maybe he was angry because she was with Ray... And if that's the case then-
"I didn't sleep with him.
"Ok."
"I remember now," She began and he pushed the door open and she quickly walked inside, closing the door behind them so that the cats couldn't escape. "He thought I wanted to get back with him and I was a mess and kept saying no and kept apologizing for breaking up the way I did."
Ash looked like she had told the most elaborate lie he had ever heard. His judging face was making Dawn feel even more guilty.
"I was drunk okay," She tried to explain herself,"I wouldn't have gone with him otherwise. And I think I fell asleep on my way there so he let me sleep in his room. I left as soon as I woke up."
"So he carried you, in his room, and you still think he didn't try anything?"
".. yeah?"
"How do you know-" He let her go and she sat down on the couch. "That he didn't try anything when you were sleeping?" His frame hovering over her made her realise how small she was compared to him.
"He would nev-"
"He is a man, Dawn," Ash couldn't help it,"You don't know what type of scums we are."
"I don't feel anything anywhere," Dawn squeaked out,"No signs of physical-"
"You're way to defenseless," Ash could feel his frustration taking over,"Even now, you walked in, drunk like fuck, into a man's house with such appealing dress."
His words took her by surprise. "It's you,"Dawn spoke in a heartbeat,"You would never do that."
"You never know."
"You always asked for permission to kiss and touch me when we were together," Dawn stated out, as if trying to prove a point.
"I stopped after the first few weeks."
"Because I was okay with you doing... stuff to me."
"Yeah," He could feel his lips curling up in a smirk,"And people change. What makes you think that I won't attack you right now?"
Dawn couldn't believe she was actually having this stupid conversation with him. "Because you don't think like that and you're not like that. You are-" She breathed out, her cheeks on fire,"You are kind and gentle, a dumbass sometimes who always came to my rescue. I fell in love with you because you made me feel safe. You have self-restraint. That's how I know."
"Okay," He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration,"Fine. I wouldn't do that but what if Ray actually did try to do something? Would you-" Ash held her hand, taking her by surprise. Without any warning he grabbed another hand of hers and held them behind her back, their bodies almost touching. "Would you be able to run if he held you like this? Or pushed you on his bed and forced himself on you? Would you be able to resist and stop him completely when you're this drunk?"
"I don't think so-"
"Exactly," He let her go, stepping back,"You had always been so defenceless and clueless. You-"
"It's almost like you wanted him to do something to me. Or me doing something with him so you could justify yourself."
Her honest drunk side always took him by surprise. "Just take your cat and leave, Dawn."
"Yeah." She tried getting up but stopped, her mind having different idea altogether. "You know Ash," She started, watching how his eyes were following her while she picked up Olivia who was snuggling with Loki on the floor. The little cat purred at the soft touch and Dawn ran her fingers through her fur, hoping the stink of alcohol on her breath wouldn't make Oli agitated. "Maybe I was wrong."
"What?"
"I thought we-" She knew she shouldn't say this but she couldn't stop. "Maybe you never loved me the way I loved you."
"What the-"
"And I thought," She hastily put her cat into the carrier, feeling tears forming into her eyes,"I thought that maybe, we could fix what we had broken before. But apparently, it always comes back to fucking square one."
Ash was appalled. What was she saying? What the hell was this? What was she even getting at? "You want to get back together?"
"I don't know okay?" She got up, her voice a little higher. She just blamed it on the alcohol. "All I know is you came barging in my life again and now I can't help but feel what to do to keep your attention on me. I count my hours before I can see you again. And at the same time, I'm shit scared because I know you don't feel the same way. Why would you come back? Why do you have to make me feel so alive? Why do you- why won't you make the first move?"
"You're drunk Dawn," He took a step towards her, his mind not being able to hold up with the information anymore. "We will talk tomorrow."
"No," She closed the gap between them, her index finger resting on his chest,"Just say yes or no. Are you happy with the dynamic we share now?"
Ash took a step back, startled. "Dawn-"
"Yes or no?"
"I guess yes."
"So you don't want to change," Dawn pointed at him then at her and back at him,"This?"
What was he even supposed to say? She was so angry and mad when she saw him few months ago and now, she was asking-demanding- to know whether he wanted to get back together with her?
"Do you want to change the dynamic between us?" He asked, throwing her question back at her.
"I don't know," She could feel her heart doing flips. "And that's why I want to know what you want. Maybe that would help me decide."
"Okay?" He blinked,"Do you love me?"
Dawn stared at him as if he had grown two heads. "What?"
"Do you love me?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"Because," He paused,"Because maybe you're just saying it as you're drunk. Maybe you don't actually want me-"
"So you mean that you loved all of the girls you dated after me?" She let out a small snort of annoyance,"Wow."
"Those were different."
"How?" She shook her head in disbelief. She felt the anger level reach such a limit that she had to take a step back and breathe.
On seeing him silent, she knew what she had to do.
"I don't know if I love you or not," She confessed,"But I keep thinking about what would have happened if Miette stuff didn't happen. I keep thinking about how perfect you felt in my arms. I keep thinking about us. I keep remembering how good you made me feel. How your touch would make me so desperate for you! And when I think about that, I can't help but-" She stopped, feeling as if she didn't leave at this moment, she would regret it forever. "I gotta go."
"Dawn!" He caught her arm,"You can't leave like this. You have to explain."
"What's the point if you don't want the dynamic to change?"
He kept turning the gears in his head but couldn't come up with any reason to make her stay. "Dawn, please," Ash could feel his heart twisting in a way which made shivers go down his spine. "I don't know what I want okay. I just-"
"Then there's no point in explaining, right?" She tried to muster up her best smile. "Because I want to own the whole of you but you don't belong to anyone Ash. I can't own you. You are- you're not something or someone which can be owned. I am- I am so sorry. I have to go."
Ash saw the door slam at his face and for a moment he could feel his whole world coming to a halt. What did she mean by owning him? And the way she reacted- he could never fully understand what was going through her mind.
If she herself wasn't sure whether she wanted to get back with him, how did she expect him to have an answer? The thought was very tempting but he just didn't want to rush into things. He knew that she would try her best to accommodate him and make him comfortable but why would he rush into something he wasn't sure of?
He lay down on the couch, the smell of alcohol lingering around the place where she was sitting. He didn't find any hickeys or bruise on her neck or arms so he was pretty sure Ray didn't try anything on her. And for that he was fucking grateful.
He could feel Loki jump on the couch, sniffing around. The cat walked over to Ash and lied down on his chest, sniffing something.
"That is Dawn's smell," He began scratching Loki under the chin,"As well as alcohol. You know, it's like a magic potion which makes you very brave and stupid at the same time."
The cat purred and Ash let out a laugh,"Look at me, complaining to you about things. It helps because you don't talk back."
As if on cue, the white cat let out a meow which sounded lot like dissatisfaction. "Geez Loki, this is why we can't have nice things."
He closed his eyes, feeling tired and irritated. When May told him that Dawn left with Ray, he could feel a part of him break. He couldn't understand why she would depend on him when she was uncontrollably drunk. And he realised that he had no right to be mad at her about anything. She could sleep with anyone. She could get back together with any ex. She could even decide she didn't want to see him anymore and he would have no other choice but to comply.
And he knew damn well that he had no fucking right to ask for any explanations.
He could feel a weird tightness coming over his chest when he thought about her leaving him alone for eternity.
And he got the same feeling of tightness when he had received a call from her when she was out with Ray. He genuinely thought that she was calling him to pick her up from Ray's place but … what greeted him wasn't her voice.
It was Ray.
Few hours earlier.
Ash watched the two cats chase each other, occasionally jumping on each other to gain the advantage in play-fight. The sudden ring of his phone startled the two cats and they stood still, fully alert.
"Its just my phone, geez," He laughed and reached for his phone which was on the bed. The caller screen showed "Berlitz" and he could feel a relief coming over him. If she was calling him, it must mean that she was back to her senses and wanted to get away from Ray.
He quickly picked it up, almost tripping over his words,"Dawn!"
"It's Ray," The masculine voice from other end spoke up and Ash could feel the whole world coming to a stop. The fucking hell?
"Oh."
"Yeah," There was some shifting sound in the background and Ray spoke up again,"She is passed out."
"Ok."
Ash seriously had no idea where this was going. But he couldn't help but feel as if someone was poking him all over his body with needles. His heart was feeling so heavy that he could almost feel the pain in his chest.
"I am sorry for calling you like this," Ray spoke up again,"But the thing is-"
"Why did you call me from her phone?" Ash cut him midsentence, not in the mood for small talk.
A sigh was heard. It was followed by a small, humourless laugh. Ash couldn't understand what was so funny about the whole situation. All he wanted was to make sure Dawn reached home safely. "I have to take her home and she is way too drunk to tell me her address. The only thing she keeps muttering is your name so I thought-"
"Give me your address," Ash was way past the point to act in a calm manner. "I will come pick her up."
"I can take her home, " Ray spoke up again,"So if you know where she lives, tell me. That would be a big help."
"Listen," Ash took the car keys on the way out. "If she wants me to be there for her, I'll be there. You don't have to go out of your way to help her."
"I can say the same about you, ," Ray clicked his tongue,"So I suppose you know where she lives? Tell me."
"No," Ash could feel a murderous intent growing within him. Why? He didn't know. Or more like he didn't want to know. "And she has to pick her cat too. She would have to come back here. So I'll just pick her up to reduce her stress. You tell me your address."
"She got a cat?!"
"Yes."
"Did she name it Olivia?"
"How do you know that?"
"Because it was a name we decided on. Olivia, a name which rhymes with I love ya."
Ash just didn't know how to react. She named her cat something which she and her ex decided? Did it mean that she still felt something for him? Well she was with him at the moment so maybe that was a possibility.
"Ok. Just tell me where you live so I can come pick her up."
"Fine." Ash noted down the address which Ray said in the palm of his hand with a pen. "If the thought of her being with me makes you so irritated, then maybe you shouldn't have let her go in the first place."
"I really don't need you to tell me about what happened between us." Ash saw red. How dare he poke his nose into their business? What happened between Dawn and Ash was their business and he didn't need a third party scrutinizing the past. "And you're talking as if you two are still together. She is not yours. Mind that."
Ash could hear the other man take in a deep breath. "I didn't let her go. She left. There's a difference."
"No, there isn't."
"If it were under my control, I would never have let a woman like her go."
Ash disconnected the call and locked the door behind him. The audacity of this man! He was pretty sure that he had called him just to rub the fact that Dawn went to him in the drunk state on his face. So far, he was successful.
When May had called him earlier to tell about Dawn leaving with Ray, he could feel a deep, agonizing feeling in the pit of his stomach. He could feel his whole self burn, his mind turning black and numb.
The whole ride there was taking painfully long. Not even the cool breeze and almost empty roads made him feel better. He wanted to reach her as quick as he could.
When he actually reached there, he found Ray sitting on the porch with a glass of wine (he thinks) in his hand. Even in the pajamas, Ray held such an aura and gravity that Ash couldn't help but acknowledge what drew Dawn towards him.
"I'm Ash," He introduced himself as he walked up to him. The man extended his hand and Ash reluctantly shook hands, hating every moment of it.
"I am Ray. It is nice to meet you."
"We both know it's not," Ash couldn't help but want to leave,"Where is she?"
"Sleeping. I'll go wake her up."
"Okay," Ash stood there awkwardly, watching the other man go inside the house. Ray looked back and said,"You can come in. The house won't bite."
"Okay."
Ash slowly walked in, watching him walk into one of the rooms at the end of the living room. For some reason he stopped and leaned against the wall. Ash was watching his every step with utter curiousity and impatience. What was the man even doing? Why was he not going inside?
It was not long before he heard the rockstar say,"Hey there, running away Dawn?"
.
.
What I forgot to mention in the last chapter was it was going to be a two part chapter XD
I guess this chapter calmed down your nerves. XD .. ngl I had so much fun writing these two chapters. And I hope you guys had equal fun connecting the two dots together.
So much of drama, like soooo much drama XD But ehhhh XD
I have been playing Genshin Impact and wohooo, next week we are going to get a new story quest. I'm so excited. It's been an eventful week XD see you guys soon!
~ Darkestlightofhope