1998, June 17th
The memories of his childhood felt as fresh and recent as the events that spiraled in the last two months, while the events of the past two decades felt distant and dim, as if buried under thick layers of dust and ash. It felt as if, quite literally, it was only yesterday he had graduated from Hogwarts. For the first time in many years, Severus felt light and carefree, as if he had traveled through time and had returned to his youth. The memories of his Hogwarts days filled his mind with nostalgia and a sense of calm, a time where everything seemed simpler and more pure. He didn't worry about anything back then, except getting good grades in his classes and perhaps, getting the attention of Lily Evans. There was still the shadow of darkness from joining the Death Eaters, the Dark Lord, except it wasn't in the forefront of his mind as it always had been.
The pain of the last decade faded away, the shadows of the darkness that had become so ingrained in his soul started to recede, slowly, almost imperceptibly. He truly felt seventeen again. The age before his soul was dampened by his first acts of impurity. This was what Lily was referring to. The age before his soul was made impure. Though his memories still plagued him.
The thought of having to relive his seventh year in a different time made it a bit hard to sleep at night. War was raging in his mind. Why would Albus and Minerva subject him to this, wasn't there a way to relearn what he had lost without having to live as a student? There had to be a better way. He couldn't even imagine to level of torture it would be to reside in the dormitories again, let alone do it amongst his previous students. It would surely rival that of the Dark Lord's idea of torment.
At least for now, he was allowed his own space. Unfortunately it was the substitute Professor quarters just down the hall from Gryffindor Tower. He was doing his best to avoid that part of the Order, which wasn't an easy task living so near to them. He supposed it was Minerva's idea of punishment for his lack of action during his year as Headmaster. It made sense. He couldn't really blame her. It was also beginning to feel odd referring to her as Minerva in his mind and not Professor Mcgonagall, though he knew it had a lot to do with his memories being so jumbled and their lack of proper time organization. His younger self would feel odd addressing her in such an intimate way. But over the last two decades, working as colleagues, they may not have been close but working within such a small distance of each other, and sitting next to one another at the Head Table, did make people familiar.
In the last month, he had confined himself to his new quarters, hiding his face from wandering eyes, curious expressions, and questioning glances. It was easier to be alone. As it always had been. He supposed this was how the next year would be like, him hiding behind a door, rigorously refreshing his mind of things he had already learned decades before. He's tried, every single day, for the last week, to make himself look older so he could convince Minerva to allow him to continue his depressing existence in an environment he was familiar with. Either teaching, or living off his savings in the comfort of his own home. Glamour after Glamour but they never held for more than an hour before his wrinkles dissolved and his body shrunk. He wasn't much different in height, having only grown a few inches more, but that few inches always made him feel more confident.
Lily expected this. Wanted this. Even chose a soul tie for him to spend the rest of his life- or even eternity with. She would be sorely disappointed. He intended to steer far away from any female presence.
"Professor!"
Oh goody, he thought to himself, quickening his pace.
The corridor was until now, blissfully empty. It would be now that he wished to promenade, someone chose to be in this particular corridor to enter. Just a few more paces and he could disappear around a corner and be rid of whoever was trying to encounter him.
"Professor, wait!" Potter exclaimed louder. His footsteps, gaining volume and speed behind him.
Stopping in his tracks he turned on his heel, nearly colliding with the boy. He glared down his nose, which he knew didn't have the same desirable effect since Potter didn't even flinch.
"Yes?" He asked, clenching his jaw.
Potter inhaled deeply, "Professor Mcgonagall said she spoke to you about, well, you know."
Severus rolled his eyes, "Yes I know. If you will excuse me, Mr. Potter, I'd like to continue my day without further interruptions."
Potter eyed him curiously, "It's been two months, and we're leaving for the Burrow tomorrow morning, I won't take up too much of your time."
"Potter, the last thing I want to do is speak to you about your parents. I'm sure you received enough information, however falsified, from both Lupin and Black, as well as anyone else who worshiped the ground your father walked upon." He paused, taking in the boy's angered expression with mild enjoyment, "I'm sure my recollections won't bring you the joy you may hope for."
"I'm not a halfwit, I understand your hatred for my father. I know how you see him, Professor," Potter paused, "But seeing as you're all I've got left connecting me to them at all, and your memory is now quite fresh, I just want to know a bit more about them- about her."
Severus couldn't help the ache he felt in his chest. Without Occlumency, everything seemed heightened. Normally, if he were remembering correctly, the thought of the connection Potter had to his best friend didn't draw an ounce of empathy from his own sour emotions on the subject. Now it seemed he'd be doomed to feel everything he spent years burying.
Swallowing the lump that came up his throat, he sighed.
"Fine, but not here- not now. I'll see you in the Great Hall for lunch. We can talk about it there- alone." He sneered, "I don't want your little friends privy to the conversation while it's being had."
Potter's eyes lit with a smile so large, Severus thought his cheeks must be aching from the sheer force of it. He most certainly didn't feel an ounce of pleasure for being the one that conjured such joy in James Potter's descendant.
"Thank you,"
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have places to be." Without another word, he turned the corner, forcing back a smile he did not wish to have.
The crowded train compartment was silent except for the soft rumbling of the train's engines and the occasional rustle of fabric as a boarding student passed by in search of an empty seat. Ron and Hermione sat near one of the small windows, next to each other. Harry across from them with his face buried in a Quidditch magazine. Ron seemed distracted, his gaze often drifting towards the door whenever a pair of giggling fans passed by, waving in his direction.
Hermione watched him carefully out of the corner of her eye, making sure to subtly brush her arm against his as she adjusted her position.
Ron glanced at her briefly when he felt her arm against his, but quickly looked away, pretending not to notice.
It's been a month since Hermione decided to test the waters with Ron, but, as she suspected, she couldn't find more than two minutes alone with him without someone interfering. He had to be avoiding her. It was the only thing that made sense. In the past six years, the two of them spent a lot of time alone while Harry was off doing his own thing, making his way towards defeating Voldemort. It had been awkward at first, as they hadn't exactly started their friendship on the greatest terms, being that the only thing the two of them had in common was magic and Harry. But it had bloomed as the years passed, they grew closer. Their close proximity in Gryffindor tower makes it easier to blossom a budding friendship. He used to talk to her. Used to tell her everything.
At that moment, the train rocked slightly, causing Hermione to brush against Ron again. His eyes flickered back towards her, and as their eyes met, Ron looked as if he wanted to say something, his eyes flickering to Harry who sat across from them. But he didn't. Instead, he quickly diverted his gaze out the window once more.
This would be a very awkward train ride. The air thick with things left unsaid. She wondered if he felt it too, if Harry could feel it too.
Ron continued to glance at her a few more times, as if he had something on the tip of his tongue, but he held his lips tightly shut. Inevitably, he looked back out the window again.
Eventually, the train pulled out of Hogsmeade station, its horn blaring while Hagrid waved them off in the distance. Students hug out of the small compartment windows, waving at the people they left behind, a sense of euphoria and relief in the air as they watched the school, the birthplace of all their dreams, fade away into the distance, with promises of being reunited soon.
As the trees began to blur she looked over at Harry. Perhaps thinking about something else would make this ride less painful. "So spill it."
Harry looked up from his magazine, furrowing his brows, "Sorry?"
"You told us last night you spoke with Professor Snape-"
"Snape." Harry corrected with a smirk, "He won't be a Professor next term."
Hermione's jaw dropped, "What?"
"What do you mean, mate?" Ron asked, readjusting himself. His eyes flickering to Hermione at his side before they settled on Harry.
"Apparently Professor Mcgonagall thinks he needs a bit of a refresher course on a few things, so he'll be re-sorted and placed in the classes he's having trouble remembering." Harry explained.
"Snape told you all of that?" Ron asked, rubbing his hands together between his knees.
"No, Professor Dumbledore's portrait gave me the details." He snorted, "Snape barely spoke to me. We sat down in the Great Hall and he answered like two questions."
"So Snape a student. That's weird mate, you sure Dumbledore wasn't pulling your leg?" Ron asked, looking down at Hermione before quickly looking away.
"No, he was serious. He'll be sorted in private though. Him being twenty years younger will already draw a lot of attention to him." Harry said, "Though I don't see the point in re-sorting."
"The board of governors won't allow someone to reside in the school without an official position. Student, Professor, caretaker." Hermione trailed off, "I can understand why they want to keep things strictly by the book, with everything that's happened."
"Still, their barmy if they think Snape being a student at all won't have the world's attention. Questions will be asked." Ron said, looking towards the compartment door as the trolley passed.
"Well that's not all. He'll be staying in the dormitories." Harry said, smirking at their shocked expressions.
"There must be something we don't know. I mean if it's Snape, young or old, the guy isn't exactly the type to give up so easily. If he really doesn't want to do any of this there isn't much they can do to make him." Ron said. "I mean he's secluded himself in that little quarters down the corridor from Gryffindor tower nearly all summer. I doubt he'll want to stay in a dormitory with a bunch of kids he's taught."
"He's been different since it happened, less himself. You never know." Hermione shrugs.
It wasn't long before the train pulled into platform nine and three-quarters. The loud hiss of steam and smoke being expelled from the engine rocked the boys awake. They had fallen asleep halfway through the ride, she couldn't blame them. She herself was extremely exhausted but she couldn't get her mind off of Ron and now, the possibility of Snape being a fellow student alongside them.
Harry got off first, claiming to need to find Ginny, she had wanted to sit with their parents in a different compartment. Fred's death is still hanging over the family like a thick black cloud.
Ron slowly walked next to her, glancing over at her occasionally but seeming to be trying to avoid looking at her directly. Hermione tried to ignore the tension in the air, wishing she could just move on from the awkward silence between them.
Ron suddenly stopped walking, coming to an abrupt halt. Hermione felt the tension increase as they stood face-to-face. Ron was looking at her intently, like he was battling some silent internal struggle.
"I wanted to say something before," Ron murmured, looking down at her as they stepped off the train. The fan girls were still shouting and waving at him, but he ignored them all.
Hermione's heart raced as she looked up at him, waiting for him to continue. Ron's eyes seemed to be searching for something, and his voice was so soft she almost couldn't hear him.
"I can't stop thinking about that kiss," He whispered.
Ron took a deep breath and tried to look more confident, but his eyes were still trembling slightly as they stared at her.
"I know I should have said this sooner, but I can't get it out of my head," He whispered, pulling her away from the swarms of people getting off the train.
Hermione's mouth went dry, and her stomach lurched with butterflies. Suddenly, Ron turned and faced her, his eyes meeting hers. A small, awkward smile crossed his lips.
"I just wanted to say... something," he said slowly.
Hermione's heart skipped a beat when Ron spoke up. She had been holding her breath for what felt like ages, hoping he would say what he needed to say.
Ron's face was full of conflicting emotions. His body language was awkward and unsure. Hermione wanted him to just hurry and say whatever he was going to say before the tension became too uncomfortable.
After what felt like an eternity, Ron finally spoke again.
"You've been my best friend for so long, and I..." Ron let out a small sigh, his eyes averting hers. "I just want you to know..."
Ron looked down at the ground, his voice softening as he tried to get the words out.
"I just want you to know... that nothing is more important to me than our friendship..." Ron paused, taking a deep breath to gather himself.
Hermione's heart dropped.
"It's too complicated between us now, with us going into our last year of school and all. We should just wait until after seventh year, and we can start something serious then..."
Hermione took a deep breath, processing Ron's words.
"Yeah, I guess..." She said slowly, her voice trailing off as she felt her heart sink. Ron was right, it would be better to wait until after their seventh year.
She forced a smile to hide the sadness that she suddenly felt.
"We should just enjoy being friends until then," She said, her voice sounding almost fake as she forced herself to act like everything was alright.
Luna's words echoed in her head, and she couldn't help but feel a small hint of anger deep inside.
She shook her head, trying to brush away these thoughts. She was overthinking this entire situation— Ron's excuse for wanting to be friends was perfectly valid. She should just relax, stop overthinking, and enjoy the friendship they still had.
Ron noticed Hermione's slightly off-base smile and knew that she was still thinking about his reasoning behind wanting to wait until after their seventh year. She didn't seem mad though, just a bit disappointed, which was understandable.
"Are- Are we going to be okay?" Ron's voice softened as he looked at her. "I just don't want to complicate things."
Hermione wanted to argue, but he was right. This was for the best. Hermione felt a wave of embarrassment wash over her as she realized just how long they had stood there, staring awkwardly at each other, not knowing what to say or do. Ron's eyes were fixed on hers, his lips curled into a tight, nervous smile.
The sound of fan girls shouting his name echoed through the dimly lit train station, reminding them of their sudden fame, and she couldn't help but wonder if that complicated things between them.
She glanced around the train platform, noticing how crowded it had gotten.
"Yes." She looked at him finally, misty eyed, and chuckled through the intense need to cry, "Of course we're okay."