Chuuni, Manifestation of Alcoholism, Prince of Madness, and God of Chaos walk into a bar…
Akane Nishino looked in awe as both Divine Spirit (her Sensei) and the Apex Beast disappeared.
After taking the challenge both of them agreed to change location to make sure the environment and living beings don't suffer in their battle. Since then, the amount of Magical Beasts in the area lowered drastically, to the point where they had to deliberately seek for them in order to continue the research.
After that even the most skeptical about Divine Spirit's abilities were convinced. He really was the humanity's saviour that appeared at the final hour, only to disappear after fulfilling his goal.
But he left his apostle and disciple as well as the knowledge that would allow humanity progress further; moreover, judging from Victoria's words, it already happened few times in the past; he would return soon. The best thing they could do is make places of worship so he would know they pray for him and his safety, and so they did.
For now, they could only wait…
Day one.
Green Serpent took Cid out for the challenge. He didn't know why Hams wanted to have a diary of all the events, but thanks to the enchantments they did diary will record everything by itself.
Serpent's challenge was drinking contest. No, really, it took out a large, enormous, gigantic bottle of wine and a couple of wineglasses… Though calling them wineglasses was an understatement: things were as large as some beer glasswares! A liter, no less!
Well, Cid accepted the challenge. He had poison immunity, after all, which included the alcohol.
Day two.
"Do you res-s-spect me?" Serpent hissed at his drinking buddy.
"Yes-s-s," Cid hissed back.
Don't ask him how he could hiss. Even Todd doesn't know that, and he's the closest to snakes among them… As close as toad could be, anyway.
The challenge was gaining momentum. The previous bottle was now lying to the side, right among the three other ones. Green Serpent turned out to be very interesting and understanding individual, refilling his glass each time it ran out and giving some home-made (even though there was no home, no pots, and most definitely no stove) meal.
However, something was missing.
After a hour of brainstorming, the idea was born: they need more drinking buddies! But where do they find drinking buddies? This world didn't have anyone close to their level that wouldn't fall out after a hour or two…
Another hour later they realized the problem: this world. Yes, if this world didn't have anyone close to their level, why not just go to the other one and find someone who would be?! But first they will have another glass, for the luck.
Day three.
With help of Green Serpent they finally constructed something. Of course, they placed the beacon here; judging from Serpent's words they would be able to get back via usage of it. Cid, of course, already knew this — the premise was taken from Pylons, after all, — but didn't interrupt the Serpent out of politeness.
Another feature that they did was forceful pulling: if the time that he sets on the beacon runs out it connects with him and does a pull back; he can deny that but overall a nice feature.
They set the time for two weeks and went out.
First thing they saw was some kind of a fog. Like, really, they appeared in a forest with such a strong fog they couldn't even see past few meters. After another glass of brainstorming, they deduced that it would be for the best to just press forward and find something.
They saw all kinds of interesting things on the way, like the guy suddenly transforming into a fox or vice versa, some kind of guards trying to stop them and make them pay for stealing tomato (they did not steal any tomatoes… actually what these guards were doing in the foggy forest?), and chicken. He didn't know what was wrong about these chicken but he was sure something was wrong.
After a hour of walking around they came up to a table, filled with all kinds of meals and drinks to the brim. A fine-dressed elderly gentleman sat lonely in front of it, not even touching the food.
"Greetings-s-s…" Serpent decided to show his politeness.
Gentleman raised his head and looked at them.
"Well, well, well!" he livened up, "Now who would that be?! Hmm… Jack the Ripper?… No, maybe John Smith? No, that's not quire right, either… Who would you be, boy?!"
Oh, that's about him!
"Hmm! Hear my name, old man. I am Shadow, the one who rules the shadows, lurks in the shadows and hunts down the shadows!"
"And I am Green S-S-Serpent," lame, snake! Where's your cool-ass title?
"Ah, ah, ah!" gentleman teared up, "What a spectacle, what a passion! Oh, where are my manners! I am Sheogorath, the Daedric Prince of Madness! And currently I am on vacation."
"S-S-Same."
"Yeah, vacation is nice."
They went silent.
"Well, sit down, take a meal," Sheo showed hospitality.
Green Serpent thanked the gentleman, slithered closer to the table, and took out a large bottle of wine (where does he even keep them anyway?). Cid followed the example and sat across the gentleman.
"Oh, that's exactly what I needed! A good company! However, something is missing…" and with a snap of his fingers, another object appeared on the table.
"Hmm, is cheese important?" Cid gazed with interest at the new object.
"How?! You don't know?!" She gasped in shock, "Sit down, youngsters, Uncle Sheo will explain how important cheese is for our universe…"
Day four.
'So that's how it is…'
Cid had an epiphany. That's right! Everything is cheese!
Uncle Sheo (deserved, including capital 'U') explained the Theory of Multiverse with cheese. By his words, if you imagine the cheese wheel as the multiverse, then all the holes would be Interworld, while all the material would be, well, material. Of course, that was oversimplified information, but it did wonders on Cid's understanding about the world. The full version went to Hams and Todd; when else would they get a lecture from such an intelligent and wise man?
However, that was not all! Cheese was actually the origin of everything! At least, that's how they thought until Cid realized a contradiction: if cheese is the origin, how could it be eaten by mice? To which Sheo replied that mice were actually the World Eaters! Cid couldn't find anything to retort that, so they accepted that cheese is the world, while mice are its eaters.
At some point a squirrel came out of the forest. Sheo eyed it for a moment, but then Green Serpent interjected and said that it was his old friend. Cid immediately gave a bit of his meal to the squirrel. For some reason, it teared up and hugged him. Do they not treat it well here?
Sheo promised to fix that. Later. When they finish their meeting. Yeah, it would be bad manners to leave while everyone is having fun. That's why they stopped the squirrel from leaving and gave it a liter glass of wine. For some reason its eyes went so wide that Cid had to help it; what if they fall out?!
Later on, the squirrel got tired and went to sleep. Cid placed it on the chair near himself and pet it. Good animal.
Then Cid realized that Sheo didn't know some critical information! And immediately revealed this crucial piece of knowledge. Now Sheo was busy thinking about mice and how they are related to dragons.
Well, yes, by his own fantasy world Cid knew that dragons are connected to the world! And mice are connected to cheese, which is the world! So mice == dragons!
Flawless logic!
Day five.
Green Serpent revealed the dark secret of the universe.
Apparently, not only the dragons were mice that ate the world, which is cheese, but they were led in battle by bear…! Or was it the other way around? Nevermind, in short, they were connected!
However, it were no simple bear. This bear hid themselves amongst their common kin in order to rule the world from the curtains… Which actually was Cid's life-long dream! Now he wanted to find this special bear and take a couple of lessons from him.
However, shadowbroker bear was skillful. They were seeking for him for a few hours already, to no avail. They found, like, fifty common bears, and none of them were special. However, it didn't stop them! So they decided to just make these special bears. Maybe having more of its kin will make original special bear come out?
Green Serpent thought for a moment and took out a bottle of something alcoholic and some kind of musical instrument. As he said, this will 100% make the bear special. Well, he was an expert, so Cid believed him.
Later on, the bandit camp was beaten to death by bear with musical instrument that wanted to find more of that wonderful liquid. The elder dragon that decided to land at that moment soon found out dragons were rulers of skies, not ground.
Day six.
They lost all the special bears. A bit sad, but it's fine! At least they found out that special bears did, indeed, rule over the dragons, as was shown by that rebellious dragon who tried to intimidate the bear. Let's just say, they made a lot of special bears after that.
However, there was a problem. They have proven that world is cheese. They have proven that special bears exist and rule over the dragons, which are mice, that ate the world, which is cheese. Now, how do they prove that dragons are actually mice?…
For that, they needed to find a dragon.
How lucky they were to actually find it flying right above their heads! Large, intimidating, with wonderful black scales and hateful piercing crimson eyes! That's totally some high-level dragon! Which means high-level mouse!
It landed right in front of them and wanted to say something, probably a greeting, but Green Serpent didn't waste any time and immediately abducted it into his embrace. Sorry, dragon, but Shadow Wisdom requires sacrifices!
They started doing their high-level ritual; it required a lot of wine, cheese, and some kind of musical stage that was done by special bears (which was excellent, according to his taste: when did they come back, by the way?), which was paid by Green Serpent with that strange alcoholic brew. Soon after, the result was revealed.
"Guys, I don't think this is mouse…" Cid looked over the short human girl with black hair and piercing crimson that stared at them fearfully.
"No-no, my friend, look here!" and Sheo ruffled her hair, "There! Mouse ears!"
"Oh, true…" so they were right! Dragons are mice!
Yeah, now Cid can even see the tail! Totally mouse! Now, for the last part…
Cid took the cheese piece and shoved it right into mouse-girl's mouth, which opened just in time to eat it! Though before he did so the mouse started saying something like "Sheo", but it was probably his imagination. What matters is the fact that everything they theorized was correct! The conspiracy! Uhh, Cid can feel the excitement!
But to fight back against it, they would need more allies!
"Father, how do we fix it?" short human girl with black hair stared at the short human girl with golden hair.
"You think there's fix any other than ending the world and creating a new one?" was the answer.
Both looked over Nirn, where all the dragons turned into mouse-girls one after another.
"Damned Daedra…"
"I knew we should not have let Sheogorath meet with these two…"
Day seven.
Cid invited Sheo and Green Serpent to rest a bit on Earth, which they gladly accepted.
On the way they met Nishimura, which for some reason reacted strangely to his presence. Was there something on his face?… No, both Sheo and Serpent assured him that his face was as hidden as ever, with hood and all that concealing stuff. Probably something with her, then?
They also met with Victoria, and girl was good cookie like always. He left some of his thoughts about everything in creation, and she took them in awe, then proceeded to take a praying position. This was seen by other people in the vicinity, and soon after Cid heard Hams' scream about overflowing Faith… Come to think of it, Hams didn't say anything prior to that…
After checking on him he found out Hams and Todd were busy compiling the new knowledge. That's an important job, so he didn't interrupt them.
Oh, Victoria actually compiled everything they said to her! So dutiful! So he left her in care of squirrel that he honestly kinda forgot about… But this animal is no better! It was still asleep!
After that they sat with a bottle and started brainstorming. They needed a strong ally, but also the one who would accept their reasoning… Where do they even find someone like that?
Then Cid realized: just send a Call! Someone is bound to answer!
They sat in one of the nearby Planes and started Calling. Soon after, something appeared out of the void. A thousand faces stared at them in curiosity.
"Why did you call me?" they cautiously asked.
"Hi, would you want to join us in our crusade against dragons that are actually mice because they want to eat all the worlds which are actually cheese?" Cid immediately went to the point.
For a moment, faces took a thinking expression.
"That… sounds like madness."
"…Well, not always first try goes well," Sheo added philosophically and took another bite of cheese.
"Yeah, looks like we will need to find someone else. Sorry for interrupting you," Cid was ready to cancel the call.
"I didn't say I don't accept. Tell me more."
Half of hour of explanations laters, the thousand faces guy introduced himself as Tzeentch, the ancient God of Chaos and the Great Conspirator (they lucked on someone with knowledge about conspiracies!). He (or she? or they?) also pointed out that their theory was lacking one severe thing which could cause everything to fall on its legs: they forgot about moon! The moon looked like cheese!
To that they looked at him in confusion and noted that everything was cheese. Including moon. Conspirator couldn't find anything to object.
Then they realized it's about time they find more about the whole cause.
Tzeentch helped recalibrating the portal, and they went forward.
Day eight.
They stopped in front of some kind of gigantic fleet. Some kind of, because ships more looked like if a futuristic building got ship's qualities.
Then Cid suddenly got an epiphany. If dragons were actually mice, that means something else might not look like what it actually is, right?
Like, who's to say all these ships are not actually beautiful girls? No one! Everyone knows ship is "she" (except these guys living in place from where Green Serpent came from, for them ship is "he" for some reason)!
Others listened to him and realized that, indeed, ships should be beautiful girls.
They sat down in front of the fleet and started making a ritual. In the middle of it, however, they realized that, unlike dragons, fleet didn't have its soul and personality. Fortunately, Green Serpent had an idea! They would give them souls and create a construct that would take Faith and beliefs into itself. Then, after some time, it would place the record of personality into the soul and initialize the transformation sequence! In the end, it should be a cute girl with a power of ship! And, of course, it would fall in love with her captain!
To that Tzeentch interjected and inquired what would happen if captain liked the ship's part of the girl more than human part? Well, that would make a wonderful drama story about a ships fanatic that knows everything about them and a girl that is actually such a ship but wants to know what it feels like to be human!
Tzeentch coughed with all of his thousand faces and said that it's indeed a wonderful story which he wants to see. Cid knew Conspirator would agree!
With the help of everyone present, they finally finished with prototype of construct. It looked like a a cube and was overall unassuming, but it's alright for prototype!
Their first attempt didn't go well. After a round of brainstorming with a bottle, they realized it's because there were no beliefs about that ship. For that deal Cid (ignoring Hams' screams about waste of resources) gave out some of his Faith, and after that the process went smoothly!
The ship-transformed-girl looked at him in curiosity. After a cough, he introduced himself as Antioch and said that the future shipgirls actually are force against a threat that wanted to destroy the Multiverse! But for that, they need to train a lot and get their own personalities.
With that, they presented the Wisdom Cube (because Shadow Wisdom and because it was a cube) technology and said that she needs to create a good army, both in quantity and quality.
After creating a few more girls which they called Sirens (because they looked sea-like and were related to it because they are ships), Cid and others departed.
Some time after, the army of shipgirls went out to find their Creator. They would find him, sooner or later, and then…
Day nine.
The squirrel suddenly appeared with them once again.
Cid wanted to go back to Victoria to understand why did she let poor animal go, but squirrel took all the fault on itself and said that the girl was very diligent about her job. It's just that squirrel didn't like being confined like that.
Upon understanding that Cid wrote a quick letter to Victoria so she would not worry about that. Squirrel took the letter and promised to return in ten minutes. It lied, by the way; it came back in nine minutes and fifty nine seconds.
Cid decided to ask more knowledgeable uncles about nothing and how to make something out of it. They explained. Now Hams has another textbook to write.
Tzeentch, after taking especially good cheese wheel, invited everyone to go to his dimension and help him in having fun. Well, why not?
And so now they were chilling… somewhere. Cid had some troubles in understanding this place, but it's fine. Apparently, they had the so-called Imperium of Man here, but the ruler was… not feeling good. Upon seeing the ruler Cid agreed that, indeed, it needs the utmost fixing! Right, where's the halo…
"The current status of army?"
"Armies are ready."
"And what about this… religion of me?"
Everyone went silent.
"I remember saying that only when the last sprouts of religion die out, the civilization will see the light of progress. Why is there a religion of me?"
Nobody could answer that.
"Well then…"
"Excuse me, my Empress-"
A gigantic blade landed near the speaker.
"It's Emperor," a girl in heavy armor smiled darkly as she sat on the gigantic golden throne.
Everyone else lamented about the days when there was only corpse on the throne…
Day tenth.
Green Serpent left first; said something about Cid besting the Apex Beast in challenge, thought he also said that he would like a rematch at some time. Fine by Cid.
Sheo went out shortly after, with an excuse that higher-ups or something called him to fix some mess. Yeah, these guys do mess, while Sheo should fix it?! But Sheo still had to go.
Tzeentch went out last, but he left some kind of books about Interworld. Apparently, he was well-versed in it! Nice, now he can do stuff without trying to force his way in!
Upon realizing that he was now alone, Cid turned back and flew back to the Messiah. Damn, he kinda wants to sleep… Hams said he doesn't need to do it, but apparently everything he did was damn energy-consuming…
With that, he took squealing Victoria in his embrace and went to the bed. After that he rested his head on the soft pillows and drifted to sleep. An hour in the morning is worth two in the evening, as they say, and it doesn't matter that it's afternoon now!
Mentioned characters:
Green Serpent and bears - Slavic folklore
Sheogorath, Alduin (Black Dragon), Akatosh (Golden Dragon) - The Elder Scrolls
Tzeentch, God-Emperor - WH40k
Sirens and Shipgirls - Azur Lane
Did you recognize everyone at first glance?
Also beware the dragons that are mice and want to eat the world because it's cheese…