Author's Note: B gave me this fun birthday idea, thank you. Also thanks to Gfan97 for brainstorming which victim would be best for the prompt.
Mandalay was accustomed to being a shoulder for Pixie-Bob to cry on whenever her dates didn't call her back. This time, Pixie-Bob was hitting the liquor worryingly hard. Everyone else had left the bar and gone home. Pixie-Bob just kept drinking as the bottles piled up around her.
Putting her head down on the bar, Pixie-Bob moaned, "I'm going to die single. I'm an old maid."
"This isn't Victorian England, you're not an old maid, and you're not going to die anytime soon. You're thirty-one." Mandalay patted her friend's back. Privately, she thought that Pixie-Bob would have more luck if she didn't come across as desperate. But she didn't think her friend was in the right mental space to hear that at the moment.
"I don't know what went wrong this time! He had such magnificent spiky hair."
Mandalay didn't know why her friend only dated men with spiky hair, but it was such a harmless preference, she didn't think that could be the problem. "What does his hair matter? He ghosted you without even the courtesy of a breakup. What a jerk. You deserve better."
"The universe is punishing me for my father's crimes!" Pixie-Bob clutched her hair. "Or maybe I'm as ugly as my dad. Worse, what if I have his personality?"
Mandalay was very curious. Pixie-Bob never, ever talked about her family. She never visited home on holidays. The other Pussycats had assumed she was an orphan. Again, it didn't seem like the time for questions. Mandalay continued stroking her friend's back, holding back her hair to keep it from getting into the beer spilled on the counter.
Pixie-Bob stared into the bottle with a crazed look in her eyes. "It must be because of the family curse. My dad always told me that someday a hero would break into a vault to kidnap and marry me."
Mandalay blinked. "What an oddly specific family superstition."
"It happened to my uncle."
"It did? How did he end up in a bank vault? Was he a bank teller who accidentally locked himself inside?"
Pixie-Bob wiped the drool and alcohol off her mouth. "Dad was also convinced a spiky-haired One for All holder would carry me away someday. But All Might is old enough to be my father (well, not as old as my father, but someone's father) and Izuku Midoriya is too young. I'm going to die alone because All Might picked an underage successor! What's wrong with an adult hero?" She whirled on her friend with an owlish glare.
"I don't know." Mandalay was confused about everything in that rant. Especially the part where her friend seemed to maybe want a quirk marriage? "What's One for All? Also, quirk marriages are a really bad idea in addition to being illegal. I know you're unhappy right now, but didn't you want to fall in love a normal way?"
"I've got it!" Pixie-Bob leapt off her stool. "I just need to lock myself into a bank vault and wait for my husband to arrive. True love, here I come!" She ran out of the bar.
Mandalay paid their tab, then followed her friend outside. She found Pixie-Bob shivering in the chilly air. A truck pulled up to the curb, dumped a large bank vault off the back, then drove away.
"What just happened?" Mandalay had only had a few drinks, surely that wasn't enough to start hallucinating.
Cheerfully, Pixie-Bob said, "My family has a lifetime supply of bank vaults. I merely have to place a phone call, and the company delivers one to me."
"Uh, is your family in the banking industry?"
Once again not paying attention to the question, Pixie-Bob ran inside the bank vault and closed the door.
Mandalay was worried about if her friend could breathe in there. She opened the door, which fortunately wasn't locked. "Are you okay? Hey, let's go home and get some sleep. In a bed, not a metal floor. You'll feel better in the morning."
"Get out!" Pixie-Bob screamed, pulling out random items from her purse and tossing them. "You're not my true love!"
"Sorry." Mandalay dodged a lipstick and a packet of tissues, then shut the door. Fortunately there had been a ventilator inside the vault. (Wasn't that an odd thing to have in a vault?)
As seconds turned into minutes, Mandalay rubbed the goosebumps on her arms. It was cold and dark out. Worse, a very light rain started to pelt down. Mandalay's head hurt. She longed to be in bed. But she couldn't just leave her drunk friend alone on the streets. Hopefully Pixie-Bob would pass out soon, then Mandalay could cart her back home. She resolved to wait five more minutes. Then she'd storm the vault and insist they leave.
Tensei Iida zoomed over, in full hero costume. He waved at Mandalay. "Hey, I'm out on patrol. I noticed this weird bank vault by the street. Did someone leave it here? It seems too large to be litter."
"I don't know what's going on," Mandalay admitted. "I'm not on duty, just out drinking. Pixie-Bob crawled in there and might have passed out…"
Tensei opened the door. "Are you all right, ma'am?"
Pixie-Bob ran forward and flung her arms around Tensei's neck. "My hero! You came to rescue me! You even have slightly spiky hair." She played with a lock of his hair. "I've finally found you, my one true love. You kept me waiting. But I forgive you, because you're handsome and heroic and perfect."
"Err…" Tensei gently disentangled himself from her arms. "I'm sorry, I'm already dating Masaki—you know him as Manual, the Normal Hero. We're serious about each other."
Pixie-Bob slowly turned red from her neck up. She fell over, gripping the bank vault wall. "Even my fated hero rejected me! I'm completely unlovable and worthless! I hate myself! I want to die!" Tears poured down her cheeks. She collapsed to the metal floor and pulled her knees up to the chest.
Tensei looked horrified. "I'm very sorry."
Mandalay pulled him away. "You haven't done anything wrong. She's drunk, and she got recently dumped. She probably won't even remember this tomorrow."
Tensei looked over his shoulder. "Can I do anything to help?"
Knowing that sober Pixie-Bob wouldn't want an acquaintance to see her in such an embarrassing state, Mandalay kept shoving Tensei down the street. "No, I'll look after her. You get back to your patrol."
Meanwhile Pixie-Bob continued sobbing. Although her words were difficult to decipher, it sounded like she'd started a rant about all the good men being gay.
When Mandalay returned, a dark shadow fell over the vault. The sudden intense pressure in the air sent Mandalay falling to her knees. Although it shamed her as a hero, she couldn't move. She could barely even breathe as the man in a trench coat dropped down from the sky.
All for One purred, "My vaulting instincts were tingling! My darling daughter, you vaulted yourself for me?"
From inside the vault, Pixie-Bob growled, "Go away! Leave me to my misery. This was a stupid idea."
"Nonsense, you've made your dear old dad very happy. Time to go home, my kitten." All for One picked up the bank vault, no doubt using a few quirks to assist him.
Mandalay's head spun. All for One was Pixie-Bob's father? Part of her wondered if she'd been hallucinating since the bank vault appeared. She had so many unanswered questions, and she felt hurt that her friend had never told her. Even so, she had to save Pixie-Bob. She summoned all her strength to stand up.
All for One shot into the air. The blast of wind knocked Mandalay into a lamppost. She hit her head and fell unconscious.
Mandalay woke up to water dripping off the tree overhead and falling onto her face. As soon as she remembered, she was on her feet in a flash. She had to go save Pixie-Bob! But she couldn't tell the Hero Public Safety Commission the truth about her friend's parentage. Their reaction might be very bad. Could she use her connections with U.A. to get All Might's help?
A red, yellow, and blue blur dropped from the sky. For a brief, relieved moment, Mandalay thought All Might had found her first. Then the dust cleared to reveal America's top hero Star and Stripe. Pixie-Bob was cradled in the blond hero's arms in a bridal carry.
"You're safe!" Mandalay cried, overwhelmed with relief. She ran forward, checking her friend over for injuries and fortunately not finding any. She bowed her head to Star and Stripe. "Thank you for rescuing my friend."
"It was my pleasure," Star and Stripe said, gazing at Pixie-Bob adoringly. "I thought I was busting into a warehouse where All for One kept weapons or money. I had no idea I'd find a far greater treasure."
Pixie-Bob waved at her friend. "I'm glad you're still here! We need a witness to come with us to Las Vegas and sign our marriage license."
"Say what?" Mandalay gasped.
Pixie-Bob giggled. "Las Vegas is the easiest place in the United States to get married, according to my darling." She kissed Star and Stripe's cheek.
"I know that from TV, I meant…marriage?" Mandalay shook her head. "Didn't you two just meet?"
Star and Stripe smiled down at the woman cradled in her strong arms. "Sometimes when you see a beautiful hero locked inside a bank vault, you fall in love at first sight. I already know in my soul that I would inherit a fishy quirk, start a legacy of heroes, and fight a supervillain for you."
Pixie-Bob said dreamily, "I love you more than the height of Mount Everest."
"Oh, yeah? Well, I love you more than the depth of the Mariana Trench."
Pixie-Bob poked her hero's cheek. "I love you more than the trip to the moon, my beloved Cathleen."
"My precious Ryuko, I love you more than the trip to the sun."
"Then I love you more than the trip to the Andromeda Galaxy."
Mandalay covered her eyes. "I'm happy for both of you. But as your friend, please don't marry someone you've known for less than an hour. At least wait until you sober up before you sign any legal documents."
Pixie-Bob sighed. "Fine. I'm completely confident in my love, but since I want my bestie's support, I could have a long engagement. Like maybe a month."
Star and Stripe sighed even more deeply. "I don't want to wait longer than a week to marry you."
Pixie-Bob nodded. "Yes, my hero, we'd better move fast to stop my father from interfering."
"About that…" Mandalay's voice trailed off. She had so many questions, she didn't know where to begin. Finally she blurted out, "I didn't know you swung both ways."
"I didn't know, either. Not until I laid eyes on my hero." Pixie-Bob kissed a tuft of blond hair. "It turns out everyone in my family is Spiky Hair Sexual."
OMAKE TIME!
Omake: Shouting from the Void
Yoichi: My adorable niece, the family curse is real, but it only works if you get vaulted by All for One. You can't do it to yourself. Good luck!
All for One: Hey! Does this mean I have to choose between vaulting my relatives and preventing them from having a love life? This is an impossible dilemma!
Yoichi: Pretty sure Gigantomachia is the spiky-haired person who likes my brother, but they never got together because All for One is too much of a hypocrite to vault himself.
Gigantomachia: Where can I buy a bank vault?
#
Omake: Incorrect Quotes, Frozen
Mandalay: You can't marry a hero you just met!
Pixie-Bob: You can if it's true love.
Mandalay: You only like her because she annoys your father.
Yoichi: Duh, that is what true love means!
#
Omake: Two Fears
All for One: All Might is the worst possible person to date my daughter.
Pixie-Bob: I'm marrying Star and Stripe.
All for One: …There's one person almost as bad as All Might.
#
Omake: Third Wheel Club
Mandalay: I'm glad my friend found love, but she and her girlfriend are insufferable. They're all over each other even in public.
Third/Bruce: Tell me about it. Except don't, because I already know.
#
Omake: How Ragdoll Kept Her Quirk
All for One: Search, what a useful ability!
Pixie-Bob: Oy, Dad! Keep your grubby paws off my friends!
Ragdoll: What just happened?
Pixie-Bob: Nothing for you to worry about.
#
Omake: Why Pixie-Bob is Single
Pixie-Bob: My love life is ruined by my family curse to only date someone who saves me from a bank vault.
Mandalay: Curses aren't real. Dating is hard for everyone.
Pixie-Bob: But everyone who I date runs away saying that a faceless man threatened them.
Mandalay: Okay, that sounds like a real problem and not just a superstition.
#
Omake: Opinions on the Pussycat Costume
Kudou/Second: So everyone in your family is a weirdo?
Yoichi: Ignore him, my cute niece! I love cats too. Honestly after last fic, I'm just relieved to be related to a hero not another villain.
#
Omake: Successors
Izuku: I inherited All for One's quirk.
Star and Stripe: I inherited the legacy of dating All for One's super-hot relatives, so I think I'm the real winner here. You can keep the quirk, I already have a cool one.
#
Omake: Too Normal for Drama
Tensei: I'm sorry, I accidentally cheated on you and led some poor woman on.
Manual: I doubt it, what's the context?
Tensei: I didn't realize that saving someone from a bank vault is a proposal of marriage.
Manual: It's not. You're fine.
Pixie-Bob: I don't even remember what happened while I was drunk. Or at least, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
#
Omake: The Family Charm
Mandalay: How did you pull someone as beautiful as Star and Stripe?
Pixie-Bob: I have no idea. I've always tried to seem as normal and non-threatening as possible when I go out on dates, yet it never works.
Star and Stripe: I fell for her as soon as I saw those feral bloodshot eyes glaring at me from the darkness of the vault. Then she tried to rip my throat out with her teeth.
Pixie-Bob: I'm sorry, I thought you were my father.
Star and Stripe: Don't be sorry, it was the loveliest sight I'd ever seen in my life.
Yoichi: Heroes like a kitten with a little bite.
#
Omake: Meanwhile with the League of Villains
Himiko Toga: I overheard All for One saying that the key to finding love is to lock yourself inside a dark bank vault. Now I just have to wait patiently for my true love with delicious blood.
Dabi: (Opening the door) How did this weird vault get into our living room?
Himiko: (Throwing knife) You get out!
Author's Note: Thank you to Gfan97 for the last omake.
I bullied Pixie-Bob even more cruelly than the birthday victims I seriously vaulted. I actually feel guilty, so I promise she will get a happy ending with Star and Stripe.