A/N: Sorry that the couple of parts were kind of cliffhangy and messed up with no explanation but you'll more in next two parts. Fair warning: I would get out now if you can't handle angst because things are going to get worse before they get better but for those of you who do stick around you will be greatly rewarded!
Warning!: This chapter is kind of brutal but it's necessary that we do learn some of what happened to JJ's father and it also helps to understand JJ more as a character in this story.
Lyrics used in this part are from King by Weezer
Chapter Twelve: Worthless (JJ's POV)
One night at the disco I wanted to dance slow
A loud consent ringing from his phone had caused JJ to regain consciousness, bursting through his alcohol induced brain Oh, man I'm still drunk JJ laid his head back down on the pillow, choosing to ignore his phone probably just Cook JJ thought tiredly groaning and pulling his pillow from underneath his head and put it on top to drowned out the annoying ringing.
Cook could drink a gallon of beer and still be walking straight in the morning but for JJ that wasn't the case: he needed about another two hours of sleep.
Soon the ringing had stopped and JJ slowly fell back to sleep but a few minutes later the loud ringing began again causing JJ to roll his eyes Get a life, Cook! JJ sleepily began fumbling around his night table for his damn phone as he fought the urge to puke.
Once he found it (and had gotten his sudden need to vomit his brains out under control.) he flipped it open and said, "Fuck off, Cook!"
"Jonah Jeremiah Jones!" a voiced screeched waking JJ out of what remainder of sleep he had with a violent jerk that caused his head to nearly split in a half (and brought back his violent urge to vomit.). He held his head as his mother continued to yell on the phone.
"What's this I hear about you skipping school!" Oh, Shit! JJ thought still holding his head I forgot to erase the message!
"Mum, listen…"
"Fuck No, JJ! Get your ass up and head to school!" JJ looked at his phone in confusion.
"Mum, it's Saturday." JJ wasn't aware he had a bad connection (or that he was gripping his phone so tightly.)
His mother paused briefly before adding "Well, then you better be going on Monday, you worthless piece of shit! Don't be a lowlife wasting his time doing nothing with his life just like your godforsaken father!" JJ gripped his phone even tighter, trying to keep his anger in check and his need to vomit.
"It's isn't becoming, JJ! The only thing that worthless fuck of a man ever did right was off himself! I don't want that for my only son! Now, no more skipping school so I can send your ass to university and out of my house and my life!" JJ was surprised he hadn't broken the phone already, he was gripping it so tight.
"Understand?" His mother said calmly. JJ continued to have a death grip on the phone; he didn't trust himself to not explode just yet.
"JJ! Are we understood?"
"Yes, Mother." JJ shut his eyes and told himself to breath in and out.
"Good, now get out that damn bed and do something! I'll be home next Friday." And then the phone went dead but JJ didn't hang up, he was still gripping the phone and he still had his eyes shut trying to keep himself from crying and from the suffocating need to puke.
JJ flung himself out of bed; its warmness was beginning to suffocate him along with all his other feelings. JJ paced the floor as he kept telling himself to breathe, still gripping his phone in a vice grip.
Come on, you can do this! JJ pulled at his hair let it go! LET. IT. GO!
Before JJ knew what he was doing, before he could even stop himself from doing it, he had thrown his phone in the side of his bedroom wall.
"HE KILLED HIMSELF TO GET AWAY FROM YOU, YOU CUNT!" JJ screamed, slamming his fist into the wall. "I'M NOT HIM! I'M NOT WORTHLESS!" He slammed his fist into the wall again. "I'M NOT MY FATHER!" This time he slammed his head in the wall, that seemed to take the fight out of him and with a bruised fist and a busted head, JJ finally did puke his brains out.
If you wanna get by, then cool it down.
If you wanna start something, know one thing: I'm king.
After puking for what seemed like forever, JJ moved himself back to his bed and sat down. His head was pounding and he suddenly felt the need to sleep. JJ held his head in his hands and kept chanting to himself that he was JJ and he was beginning to know what that meant.
If you wanna mess around like that, that's just how it is.
If you wanna get by, then mind your biz.
If you wanna start something, know one thing: I'm king.
"I'm not my father." JJ breathed frantically. "I'm not." JJ wondered when he was going to believe himself when he said it but it calmed JJ none the less, so he continued to say it.
When JJ was finally calm enough to take in his surroundings, he realized he was actually in his room room. How did he get back here? He knew for sure he hadn't drove back home but JJ vaguely remembered someone bringing him home but who?
JJ decided to give up when all he could come up with to answer his questions was some kind of hazy natural blue light. Blue light? Why did that sound familiar? And the memory came back in such a strong tidal wave that it caused JJ to nearly fall on his face, He had sleep with Katie! JJ's head was spinning with memories of the odd blue light that had reflected off of the cave that JJ had felt touched that Katie had be so shy about showing him, Katie's naked body beneath him, and some kind of big fight that he couldn't remember quite yet. How could he not remember losing his virginity? And with Katie, no less!
JJ decided he was going to lie down, clear his head and try to resist the urge to smack himself in the fucking face. This was one of the reasons he didn't drink, JJ couldn't stand it when he didn't have his bearings (Couldn't stand it when he acted like his father.)
JJ shivered when his sweat ridden body came in contact with the cool sheets of his bed, causing a ripple effect that brought everything crashing back to him:
Flashback
I saw a sweet baby, such a fine lady
JJ buttoned his plaid shirt clumsy, tumbling on every button. It was only half because he was drunk but the main reason was because of the awkwardness that seemed to fill the air.
The nervousness that was pouring out of each other in the gallons was causing JJ and Katie to lack the courage to break it as they continued to put back on their cloths.
"So…" JJ began before breaking off.
"So…," Katie repeated before adding, "That was different." Katie snapped her bra back on.
JJ had nodded his head in agreement before he grew confused, "What you mean Different?"
Katie stood up and searched the stone floors for her shirt before she answered with her own confusion, "Huh?"
JJ looked at her with slight irritation, "You said it was different, how was it so different?" he knew he hadn't lasted as long as some of her other partners but he had thought there had been a connection.
Katie looked alarmed for a minute before saying calmly, "I don't know just different."
What's was that supposed to mean? JJ fumed "Good different? Bad different?"
Katie signed before saying, "I don't know, JJ. Please drop it."
I told him to back off, cut me some slack off
Why was she avoiding this? Didn't she understand he was pushing because she was being so damn dodgy?
"Never mind Katie, I know what you meant."JJ spat as he tried to tie his shoes back up. JJ was beyond angry now, "I'm sorry if I didn't live up to your many lovers' exceptions!" JJ seethed as he finished tying his shoes with a violent jerk of his hand.
The look Katie was giving him was one of simple anger and hurt, "JJ, I didn't mean it like that." Normally JJ would have felt ashamed that he had hurt Katie's feeling but right now, JJ was insanely proud of himself: he wasn't going to be Katie's bitch on this one.
Act like you own it, I can't condone it
"Doesn't matter, Katie." JJ snapped, attempting to redo his belt buckle.
"JJ…" Katie paused.
"Fuck off, Katie." JJ knew he was being a little irrational but Katie's refusal to tell him anything about their sleeping together had wounded his pride a little. Okay, it had wounded his pride a lot but it had mainly hurt his feelings, had he been that bad? Had she felt anything he had felt during their time together? "It's fine! I understand what this was about now, just another conquest to tell your sister and your friends, another notch in your expensive belt!"
If JJ hadn't been so absorbed in his frustration over his belt buckle or his irrational anger , everything fueling him in this moment would have dissolved at the look of deadly calm that Katie had on her face:
You wanted attention and did I mention:
Nobody likes you, except for the losers
"You know Naomi was right about you and Emily." JJ gave up on his belt buckled with a loud cruse and throw it into the darkened corner of the cave. "right about the fact that you two are just rich spoiled cunts who need to fuck around with people's heads to make yourself feel better about your own insecurities," JJ jerked on his jacket and looked at Katie and said, "Well that's fine but don't bring me into you damn insecurities because honestly I don't give a fuck about them and most importantly I don't give a fuck about you."
JJ immediately sobered up when Katie had slapped him and he also immediately felt ashamed (He always felt ashamed around Katie.)
"Katie…" JJ tried but she pushed him to the floor and kicked him before storming out of the cave looking on the verge of tears. JJ was on the verge of tears too, How could he have had said that shit!
JJ pushed himself out off the floor and ran after her, "Katie! I'm sorry! Katie, come on wait!" but Katie just kept walking away as JJ pushed through the crowd to keep up with her.
JJ saw Katie stopped near her sister Emily who looked about on the verge of tears as Katie once had been. Emily turned her attention away from an angry looking Naomi and gave her sister a confused and alarmed look, Katie was now full on crying and JJ was about to cry with her.
"Katie, Please Look at me!" JJ was desperate now, things couldn't end this way. They couldn't end before they had even begun; JJ was cursing himself for not letting it go like Katie had originally asked. How things would have been so different now if he had.
Katie stopped crying long enough to ask, "Emily, can we go?" Katie was about to start crying again and fuck else if she let JJ see her anymore vulnerable than he already had.
You can't break me
Never take me
That's just how it is
You can't break me
Never shake me
Emily had such a look of concern that Katie had tried to reassure her that she was going to be fine once she got way from JJ but instead Katie just burst out crying again "Katie, what the fuck?" Emily said looking to JJ for answers but he was trying to get Katie to look at him.
"Emily! Please, let's go!" Katie pleaded and that was enough to get Emily in motion as she pushed herself off the speakers and began to look for Effy and Pandora so they could leave.
JJ wasn't about to give up just yet and said with desperation of a dying man, "Katie!" at the tone of his voice Katie couldn't help herself and turned around to look at him, JJ felt the breath leave his body at the look of complete devastation and almost on instinct JJ crashed his lips against Katie's, the kiss was desperate and filled with hurt, anger, and dismay; and as soon as it started it was over when Katie had punched him in the face. The look of shock and concern on Naomi's couldn't match the look of JJ's crestfallen one.
JJ knew that Emily, Pandora, and Effy had seen it too when Effy fixed him with a dirty look, Pandora was speechless, and Emily just stared in utter shock of concern and anger that JJ had done something to her sister.
Pick up your action, act like a grown man
Look at the winners, you can be like them
"Fuck off, JJ!" Katie yelled and pushed past her sister and headed toward the hatch. Effy and Pandora quickly followed but Emily lingered back and looked at Naomi.
"You better catch up to your sister." Naomi wasn't looking at Emily when she said it and after a few seconds, Emily exited along with her sister
Some of them stupid, some of them crazy
"JJ, what happened?" Naomi's concerned voice had cut through JJ's exact thoughts What had happened? JJ didn't have a fucking clue but instead of saying that, JJ decided to shut himself off instead.
"I need to get drunk." JJ said numbly, still staring at where Katie had punched him only a few minutes ago.
JJ turned to Naomi, "You coming?" JJ didn't feel like being alone.
You see I own this town. You best not come around.
If you wanna get by, then cool it down.
End of Flashback
JJ buried himself further into his blanket as the memory subsided but the hurt grew deeper, shutting the sunlight out; JJ wanted the room to be as the dark as his memories. He didn't deserve the light after what he did, he didn't deserve anything. JJ's mom was right; He was worthless if he could screw up such a beautiful thing as losing his virginity with being a drunken idiot.
JJ drove deeper into despair as he cried himself back to sleep in the darkness of his comforter.
Know one thing: I'm king.