A/N: Yeah, I do plan to pull out the drama in this story because life has its dramatic moments but there will be fun times too.
(We'll meet Jenna In this part and I think you'll be surprised with what she has to say.)
Lyrics used in this part are from the song Elsewhere by Sarah McLachlan.
Chapter Nineteen: Cycles II (Katie's POV)
Sunday at 9:30 AM
I love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
Everybody had been sitting in an uneasy silence as they waited for Katie to finish cooking their breakfast on that Sunday morning (Scrambled eggs and darkened toast for dad and James', bacon and eggs over easy for Emily, and egg whites and half a grapefruit for herself). Katie knew that dad and James' could feel the tense anger that had been radiating from herself and Emily ever since they had woken up that morning and God bless them both as they had tried breaking the tension all morning.
Dad had offered to finally get them that flat screen in their room (he was finally going to get that raise from his boss at the gym) and James had tried actually being nice to Katie several times but he gave up after she had wacked him on the head with the TV remote (a nice James was more annoying than a crude James). Katie just didn't have the heart to tell them both that all their attempts at making peace were completely useless.
Only Katie and Emily could break the uneasiness that had been floating around in the Fitch household ever since their fight and it seemed that neither she nor Emily were willing to be the first to back down and apologize. Katie certainly wasn't going to be the first none of this was my fault Katie thought stubbornly if Emily hadn't decided to be such a bitch! None of this would be happening! No, Katie wasn't going to be the one to apologize first. She wasn't going to be the one to back down first (She couldn't be the first).
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
Katie had just gotten done cooking the bacon and eggs when her brother walked into the kitchen yelling, "Is my breakfast ready yet?!" he opened the fridge and took out the milk, taking a drink out of the carton.
Katie made a face of disgust, "Ever heard of a glass?" Katie rolled her eyes "Nobody wants your fucking germs."
James glared at her, "Just cook my breakfast." And almost as an afterthought he added, "Bitch." Katie sighed at James. She didn't have any patience for this bullshit!
Tiredly Katie growled, "Get out of here before I spit in your food." and for good measure she kicked James in the shin. Hurting James always made her feel better; she guessed it was the big sister in her.
Groaning James said, "Do it and see what I do." he rubbed at his shin before saying, "I know where you hide your diary." And with one last glare, he headed out of the kitchen. Katie couldn't help but feel a relived when James had left, she feared that in her current state of feeling she wouldn't have been able to hold back from choking the hell out of that little shit and that would have been bad (You know, since he was her little brother).
"You almost done in there, Katiekins?" Her dad's soft voice sounded from the dining room. He had been waiting patiently for his breakfast over the course of twenty minutes and like any guy who was hungry: he was impatient to eat.
"Yeah Dad I'm coming." Katie said as she put away the eggs and other cooking ingredients back in their right places (even making sure they were the right inches apart) before she took out the breakfast plates from the cabinet (making sure that every plate was the same color, size, and shape) and began the process of putting the food on the plate.
To touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in
Katie guessed that years of her mother's drilling on how a lady prepares food had made Katie superstitious and meticulous about how their meals were placed on their plates: Emily's plate always had her food placed about two inches apart (never touching), James's plate always had the food mixed together in a sloppy mess (along with three squirts of a condiment that depended on the meal), and Dad's was much like James's (expect that dad's always had lots of mayonnaise) and with last look of scrutiny, Katie felt okay (safe) about calling out for her family to come and get their breakfast.
"Come and get it!" Katie yelled to them, ready to hand them their plates.
"Finally!" James shouted as he raced into the kitchen to grab his plate "Better not have fucked with my food, Katie! I don't know what's been in your slutty mouth." James warned snatching his plate from Katie as he walked out of the kitchen again.
"James! Watch your mouth!" Their dad hissed as he took his plate from Katie giving her a kiss on the cheek, "Thanks, Katie doll I was starving in there." Her dad smiled as he walked back into the dining room.
Emily was last and with a lingering look, she took her plate "Thanks." Emily spoke softly; barely above a whisper.
"No problem, it's what I do best." Katie shrugged "I'm like mum, right?" Katie didn't mean to be anymore caustic with her sister but she couldn't help it.
Emily sighed, "Katie…"
"Forget it, Emily. Just go eat your food." Katie turned her back to Emily and began running the water to wash the dishes.
Katie headed Emily's plate plop softly on the limonite counter next to the sink and a few moments later, Emily inhaled slowly as she said shyly, "Emsy Sham." Emily had said it so softly that Katie almost didn't hear her over the running water.
Katie furrowed her brows in confusion as she turned her head around to look at Emily, "Emily, what are you doing? We haven't spoken twin in years." the last time Emily or Katie had spoken twin had been before Emily had came out three years ago (Before 6th form).
"Katie, please." Emily pleaded.
Katie closed her eyes, "Katie sham." There was no reason to let this drag on. They were sisters; they couldn't stay mad at each other forever (Blood ran thicker than water, right?).
Katie had began washing the dishes when Emily whispered, "I really am Sorry." she stuck her hands in the soapy water to help Katie wash what Katie had used to make breakfast that morning.
"I am too. I should have let it go and I shouldn't have tried to ditch you with mum." It really had been wrong of her to try and leave Emily to face their mother alone but what Katie hadn't told Emily was that she was actually really afraid to see her mother today. Katie feared that her mother would swipe her back into her false love; into her empty promises. For some crazy reason that Katie couldn't explain, she actually really missed having her mother around (they had been really close once) "That wasn't cool of me."
Emily shook her head, "No, I was a real cunt last night." She put a newly washed pan into the dishwasher before saying "Just everything with Naomi and then mum calling… I just snapped."
Katie washed the bowel she had mixed the eggs in, "You were going through something last night. I shouldn't have pushed, you needed to be alone and get why you yelled at me." She placed the bowel in the dishwasher a few minutes later.
"It doesn't excuse what I said." Emily said softly "I don't think you're like mum at all." Katie knew Emily was lying, she even knew she could be like their mother sometimes (She wouldn't go into a panic when things weren't perfect if she wasn't like their mother).
"Emily. No more lying." Katie sighed "It's not going to break us if we're honest with each other." Katie smiled a little as she said "I just prefer we didn't do it while throwing a helmet at each other."
Emily chuckled a little "Yeah that would be great." She put the last of the dishes into the drainer with a smile "It's not your fault that you're like mum sometimes. She did ingrain a lot of things into us, you know."
Yeah, Katie did know but… "You're not like mum." Katie was wiping her hands dry when Emily said, "Katie, I look in the mirror and see mum all the time. I can't eat without worrying about mum being disappointed in me, and I can't help but be a little ashamed when I sleep with a girl…" Katie could see the sorrow and anger etched on Emily's face as she said "Mum's a part of me every day, Katie. I just deal with it better." It didn't seem like it to Katie. Katie only saw their mother when she cooked or when she had to look absolutely had to look perfect but Emily saw their mother in every movement she made and Katie didn't know which one was worse?
"And we get to actually see her today! Aren't we lucky?" Katie laughed bitterly.
Emily also laughed, "Yeah real lucky, we are." Emily paused a little before she pulled Katie into a big hug, "I love you, Katie."
Normally, Katie would have been extremely uncomfortable with this level of affection. She didn't do hugs (expect for her dad) nor did she say the 'I love you' very often (just another way Katie was like her mother) but for some reason Emily always was saying these things or doing them and for this one time Katie guessed she could suck it up and hug her sister back "I love you too, Emily." Katie said with a tear running down her cheek.
They stayed like that for a long time; just hugging each other until Katie said "So, tell me what happened with Naomi the other night."
Emily pouted as she let go of Katie, "Do I have too."
"I think you do."
Emily sighed loudly before she scuffed her shoes against the tiled floor, "I don't know… It's like we're in this cycle, where neither of us are together but it's like we can't be with other people either." Emily still wasn't looking at her as she said it.
"What do you mean?" Katie asked confused.
Emily clicked her tongue, "I don't know how to explain it but it's like one of us can't be with another person without feeling betrayed or without a big fight happening like the other night." Emily crossed her arms and looked at her sister.
"Emily, that's kind of messed up." Katie couldn't help but be a little mad at her sister for putting up with that shit and asked as much, "What do you put up with that?"
Emily was silent for so long that Katie didn't think she was going to get an answer but then her sister said, "Because I think I love her." Katie didn't need to be Emily's twin to know that this was probably the first time that Emily had ever admitted this out loud; maybe even to her own self.
Katie nodded her head in understanding "Yeah, I think I know what you mean." she couldn't help but think of JJ as she said it.
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
Emily's head shoot up as she said "JJ?" Katie couldn't help the flitch that came with Emily's question. Was she in love with JJ? ... She supposed she was but it wasn't a comfortable realization. Not at all.
I know this love is passing time
passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire...
"What happened the other night, Katie?" Katie couldn't help that her eyes rolled at Emily's question; she really didn't want to go there, "Nothing." Katie knew it wasn't fair to be so closed off toward her sister especially with Emily revealing so much to her but the pain was still too fresh in her mind and Katie didn't think she could be that exposed yet. Not even to her own sister.
Emily rolled her eyes in irritation. She really didn't want to play this game again, "Katie, come on you were balling your eyes out for three hours after we left the party. Don't tell me that's nothing?" Emily was looking at her with an 'it's time to grow some balls' look.
"You were right; he got tired of my bullshit." Katie gritted out, slamming the dishwasher shut.
"What do you mean?"
Katie crossed her eyes she was really gonna make me say it, wasn't she? She wasn't going to be out of this without laying all her feelings on the table, was she? "We sleep together."
Emily's eyes widen in surprise and a little bit of amusement as she asked, "Was he any good?" Emily laughed merrily.
Katie glared at her sister, "Fuck off."
Emily was still laughing hysterically when she said, "Oh, Come on! It's JJ… he must have been a virgin!"
Katie laughed a little at that, "Yeah, he was definitely a virgin." Katie soon joined in on Emily's hysterical laughing.
"He was that bad?" Emily chuckled.
"No, he wasn't bad… he was just very excited." Katie and Emily laughed harder at that. They had been laughing so loudly that their brother gave them a puzzled look when he came into the kitchen to dump his plate in the sink, "What the fuck happened to you two?" but instead of answering him they only laughed harder which caused James to sent them another confused look and give them the finger as he headed out of the kitchen (they only laughed harder).
But I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near...
Once the laughter had started to die down, Emily asked "So, how does that have to do with the whole punching his lights out thing?" she was still chuckling lightly. Katie immediately sobered at Emily's question; frowning at the memory of her and JJ's fight. Maybe punching JJ had been a little bit of a overkill but Katie was nowhere near ashamed of it. He had deserved it and she would do it again in a heartbeat (she probably would have punched him harder a second time around).
It was Katie's turn to look at the floor as she said, "He thought I was using him. That I only sleep with him so I could brag about to you guys."
"Were you using him?" Emily asked with a raise of her brow. That question bothered Katie a little; had she used JJ? Maybe on some level she had used him but she had really wanted to sleep with him that night. It may have started out as a quest for mindless sex at the start of the night but Katie had ended making love to him by the end.
"No." Katie said and left it at that. She was done sharing for the day and Emily seemed to sense that and with a 'come on' gesture she laughed "Let's go brave the man eating lions we call dad and James." She wrapping her arm around her sister neck and a few moments later, Katie laughed too as she headed out of the kitchen with her grinning sister.
Katie was more than willing to leave her thoughts behind her and enjoy the fact that she was no longer fighting with Emily. She really needed her.
And I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand
Sunday at 1:30 PM
"I have this fabulous new business partner who already owns three of her own wedding planning businesses. One's in London, the other in Wales, and ones even one in America." Jenna Fitch said smugly as Katie rearranged her expensive stuffed shrimp, it's relish, and fancy (unpronounceable) vegetables around on her plate (according to width, weight, and length) for about the last ten minutes as she had listened to her mother drone on about her new wedding planning business with Emily only humming in response every now and then.
Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation
Mother can't you see I've got
to live my life the way I feel is right for me
Their mother had picked them up about two hours ago in her brand new smart car and to say the car ride had been uncomfortable would have been an understatement. Katie had tried to make polite conversation but it constantly lagged, Emily had tried to be polite by asking mom about her life in Australia but it only ended up with Jenna only mumbling vague answers in response and with Emily rolling her eyes, and their mother herself had tried to ask them both how their lives were now but neither wanted to talk about their problems (especially not with their superficial mother).
So they ended up all staying silent for the whole ride and once they had gotten to the restaurant, things only got worse: Their mother had ended up taking them to a fancy French restaurant near London that Katie or Emily couldn't pronounce and when the meals had come to the table Emily had ended ordering sail due to the fact that the menu had been all in French which she didn't speak, Katie didn't have that problem (she had taken French as an elective during first year) but she had ended spilling red wine all over her perfect outfit (a white blouse with leopard printed hems, a black mini skirt, and one of the new pairs of shoes she had bought yesterday) that had immediately had stained her new blouse (lucky for her she had brought a jacket along with her), and their mother kept wanting to stay something important (they could both tell) but instead would start talking about this new business of hers.
"Who's this partner of yours anyway?" Katie asked trying to make conversation and fill the sudden silence (plus she had grown bored with arranging her food around on the plate).
Jenna smiled lightly as she took a bite of her fancy form of pasta Alfredo, "Oh, a sweet lady named Barbra Jones." Katie's fork scraped against the plate in shock she didn't mean…?
Emily chuckled a little as she asked, "Your new partner is JJ's mum." Emily couldn't help the amused smile that had spread across her face (the only smile that had appeared since their mother had picked them) as Katie glared at her sister's amusement. This day was just going to get better and better, wasn't it? Katie thought angrily with a plop of her salad fork.
Jenna ignored her older daughter's poor dining room edict (Young lady's don't throw their forks) and instead asked Emily with confusion "JJ?" it took Jenna a few minutes for her brain to light up in understanding of who she was talking about and said "Oh, you mean her son Jonah." Katie's mood lightened a little bit at that his first name was Jonah? Katie thought with a smile that's so dorky! No wonder he prefers JJ "I'll be meeting him this upcoming Thursday." Jenna finished with a curious look at Katie's smile.
Katie didn't answer her mother's curious glance she asked "What do mean by your meeting him on Thursday?" Emily nodded her head in her shared confusion as Jenna sighed deeply before she said, "There is something I've been meaning to tell you two all day." She wiped the corners of her mouth as proper lady's are suppose to do once they were finishing eating Katie thought vaguely as she inwardly rolled her eyes at herself (she couldn't help that all her mother's teaching were still ingrained in her.)
Jenna lightly sighed before saying, "I'm getting remarried." Emily and Katie were too shocked to say anything as their mother continued nervously, "And I would love it if you'd be in my wedding as my bride's maids."
Might not be right for you but it's right for me...
I believe...
I believe
Emily groaned at what their mother had said and Katie could tell she was thinking the same thing as her Two years without their mother not seeing, talking, or probably thinking of us and you come back at into our lives with that?! Katie couldn't help the slight anger that was etched on her face as Emily asked, "Two years without see us and you come back to ask us to be your bride's maids?"
"Emily, please let's not start this now!" Jenna pleaded as she rubbed her forehead in frustration.
Emily slammed her fists on the table, attracting the attention of some of the patrons next to them, "When should I start it, huh?! I'm sick and tired of you only coming around when you want something from us!" Katie couldn't have agreed more. This is what Katie had feared.
Jenna stared at Emily in irritation as she said, "Sit down!" she looked around the dining hall to see if anyone had noticed her daughter's outburst no need to be embarrassed Katie thought bitterly. "I didn't travel near 3,450 miles to be yelled at by my daughter!"
Sine when are we your daughters? Katie though as she went back to rearranging the food on her plate to calm her nerves but it was useless.
Emily asked that question a few moments later, "Since when are we your daughter's, mother?" Emily backed her chair, looking ready to run "We weren't your daughter's when I came out; we weren't your daughter's when you kicked us out, and we weren't your daughter when you didn't want custody of me and told Katie you never wanted to see her again because she didn't agree with bigoted nonsense!" Emily was yelling again and Katie wasn't all that surprised. She had been trying to keep her anger in check since the car ride to London.
"Emily, Go to the car now!" Jenna yelled, getting up angrily from her chair and Katie sighed. She should have known this was going to be one of the top ten worst days of her life; It was next to the day she learned she could never have children (Her mother had only been gone for a year at the time).
"With Pleasure!" Emily growled, getting up from her chair and stomping out of the restaurant.
Jenna sat back down solemnly "I don't why she has to be like that?" Katie didn't know wither she was asking herself that or her.
"You really don't know?" Katie asked tiredly. She had forgotten how exhausting it was to see her mother and Emily fight, "Mum, why you really came back?" Katie asked softly. She didn't know if she really wanted to know the answer.
"I'm just…." Jenna paused. "I don't know, Katie. I guess I just hoped my daughter's would be a part of my wedding but I was foolish, wasn't I" Katie looked at her mother as she said, "May be it was just wishful thinking to think I could just re enter your lives without having to work at it. It's hopeless and I should just go home." Jenna waved her hand over to the waiter and asked for the check.
Katie didn't know how to answer her mother. Yes, it was foolish to think that Emily (or her) would just accept her reappearance back in their lives asking for forgiveness without working at it but Katie didn't think it was hopeless either. It was never too late. "When are you getting married?" Katie asked, trying "and where."
Katie smiled a little at the look of hope and gratefulness that was on her mother's face, "Right here in Bristol and I plan to get married within the next three months."
"Who you getting married to?" Katie asked even though she could care less. It was probably some rich wanker who brought her mother that smart car they had driven her in but her mother smiled nonetheless as she paid the bill and she said, "A nice guy named Patrick Campbell."
Katie stiffened a little at the mention at the name, fearing it was who she was thinking it was "Is his daughter Naomi Campbell?" Katie asked even though she already knew the answer to her question.
Jenna smiled lightly as she asked, "Why, yes how do you know? He'll be asking her to be his best man."
"We go to college with her." Katie said trying to hide her shock (and dread) Oh, No! Her mother was marrying Naomi Campbell's father.
Katie never thought god was out to get her and her sister until this moment. Couldn't life be a little more complicated?
I would like to linger here in silence
if I choose to
would you understand it
would you try to understand...