Maybe, it's the way you say my name
Maybe, it's the way you play your game
But it's so good, I've never known anybody like you
But it's so good, I've never dreamed of nobody like you
And I've heard of a love that comes once in a lifetime
And I'm pretty sure that you are that love of mine
- Dandelions by Ruth B.
"How was it?" Mary asked uneasily as I sat down next to her and Lily at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, her brown eyes widened. I knew she had reservations about the members of Slytherin since the attack against her. I think the incident affected her more than she cares to admit to herself.
"It's okay, Mary. All we had to do was order and sort the potion ingredients. Nothing more." I said and looked at Mary confidently before I am reaching for the potatoes. Her fear made me sad, she was once so easygoing and always with a smile on her face.
Lily gave me a sidelong smirk.
"What's happening, Lily?" I asked, chewing. As so often, I was unsure. Why did I always think I must have made a mistake that others laughed at? I really had to break the habit of these stupid thoughts.
"Oh, I'm just glad you two get along so well." she said with a smile, her eyes sparkled at me.
What did she mean exactly? Did she notice that I found Severus attractive? In the same moment I capture myself if it really was like that. Did I find him attractive? Did I actually fall in love? I couldn't quite believe it because while we had some things in common, we were quite different, right?
"Why are you happy about that?" I grabbed some more beans and tried to look relaxed.
"Well, he'll soon realize that our Muggle heritage says nothing about us as witches, and we're equal in value to purebloods." she whispered. "Maybe this will convince him to distance himself from his Slytherin friends."
I looked at the table of the snakes, which was on the other side of the Great Hall, as far away from us as possible. Severus looked thoughtfully at the golden plate in front of him, but he occasionally spoke individual sentences to participate in the conversation between Avery, Mulciber, Rosier and Wilkes.
He had at least one group at the table to which he felt he belonged and I knew it was important to him not to be a nobody. It would be hard to separate him from the others from Slytherin. With most of this group, he shared not only meals, classes, but also the dormitory.
How could he isolate himself so much from the others? I doubted that he wanted that and if he did- why isn't Lily presence in his life not enough to do this? If anyone could convince him to turn away from all that he could and protect him like his arts in black magic and his corresponding Slytherin Gang, it was certainly Lily alone. Not me. Didn't she know how he felt about her? How he looked at her? Didn't she feel that his whole life was filled only with her?
These thoughts made me nauseous, and I pushed aside my barely touched food.
"I don't think there are good Slytherins at all. You'd better keep your distance from him. He's very odd." Mary said slowly to Lily and me. I had to giggle because that's the exact word I was using myself just a few months ago. Odd. Yes, he was and I liked it. After all, it was the two of us, wasn't it?
"Don't worry, Macdonald. You know, now that you're back on the team, we're going to take down Slytherin in the next game!" James exclaimed, apparently listening to our conversation with interest. He ran his hand through his wild black hair to look even bolder. I rolled my eyes in annoyance.
"Those nasty snakes will be sent back to their dungeons to rot." Sirius called after them, earning him a bright look from Mary, who began to bounce nervously on the bench.
"I don't know, aren't you taking it easy on yourselves boys? You looked pretty bad in the last game." Lily stated with raised eyebrows, her full lips pursed.
"We've got the best team this year, and with me as Seeker it can't go wrong, Evans." James said giving her a cocky wink.
"This snakes have nothing to offer. As Macdonald said, there are no good Slytherins, and neither are they on the field.", said Sirius in a loud voice.
Lily and I both looked at the Slytherin table where Severus was picking his breakfast.
"I'm sure they're all going to join these pureblood idiots who call themselves Death Eaters!" Sirius said as he followed Lily's gaze to the Slytherin table.
"Fucking name for a fucking organization," James added, adjusting his glasses to take a closer look at Lily.
"But apparently effective. The Daily Prophet write that there was another attack on Muggles. The Ministry of Magic is in disarray, they don't know what to do, they try to keep everything a secret from the Muggles," Remus Lupin said and I turned to him.
He looked at us all with a serious expression that made even his otherwise gentle green eyes look hard. He was afraid. I shuddered at the fact that if even someone like Remus, James, and Sirius were afraid, where would it all lead?
"Death Eaters," Lily repeated significantly, still looking at the Slytherin's table, at Severus.
"But you only see it in black and white. Not all Slytherins become Death Eaters.," I said quietly, looking at my friend at the table of snakes. At the same time, I wondered if he would ever have to choose. For or against us Muggle-borns. I was horrified by his decision.
"When do you want to protect? Snivellus? He's the biggest black magic asshole sitting at the table." Sirius said as a hiss escaped my mouth.
"Stop it! You know full well that we're both friends with him. And we're both Muggle-born witches. He wouldn't-" Lily began, but James interrupted her.
"You are the only two who are left alone by Slytherins! Why not ask the others with your background at our table?"
We glanced over at Mary, who couldn't help but flinch.
"They're probably more like devils." Mary stated in a frightened tone that silenced everyone.
I knew exactly what she was thinking when a shadow fell across her face. So, I put my hand on her arm and gently squeezed it. She looked at me and understood. I was with her.
Lily just shook her head about Sirius und James and went silent back to her food while I thought about the words from Mary. I didn't think Severus was the least bit devil. He wasn't very sociable, which might seem odd to others. But if you knew the reason behind it, it was only logical. Only that he had so much knowledge about black magic still disturbed me.
My curiosity grew as to where this actually came from. So, I ask him as we walked with Lily across the grounds to lunch after Transfiguration class. Lily and he seemed content because their birds had turned into beautiful daggers. Only my dagger had an extra feathered tail.
"Where did you get all your knowledge about curses from, Severus? You know curses, I haven't read about them in any books in this library."
Lily gasped next to me. Severus paled and gave me a strange sideways look. It was an uncomfortable topic for both of them, because it inevitably led to a fight between them. But of course, I wanted to prevent that. That's why I added: "I'm just interested because we don't cover this detailed knowledge in class."
He considered his answer for a moment as I watched his dark eyes travel to Lily before settling on mine.
"You know, I was on my own a lot as a child. But there were these books from my mother. They were in our library when I was bored or had other feelings I'd rather not wanted to feel." He mused slowly.
"So your mother is also good in black magic?" I asked Severus.
His black eyes literally pierced me, a cold shiver ran down my back. He paused before answering me.
"My mother is a very talented witch. We have a lot of old books about magic. But she doesn't use any of her many talents since she met him. My father hates our world. He doesn't want to know anything about it. And she- she will do anything for him. Maybe Eileen and Tobias should never have gotten together. A witch and a muggle make an impossible couple." he explained bitterly, his eyes blazing with anger. But I knew the anger wasn't directed at me, it was directed at his Muggle father and his own situation.
I also understood now why he didn't like muggles. His own father disregarded Severus for who he was. But as a solution he looked for the dark arts? Had he used the study of black magic as an escape from reality or to be close to his mother?
Suddenly he paled, and I knew at that moment that I had also spoken my last thought out loud. I bite my lower lip nervously. Lily stopped apparently because she also wanted an answer to my question.
Severus seemed to think about my words for the first time, because he also stopped and stood in front of us. He eyed Lily and me as he organized his thoughts.
"Yes, maybe both. You know, it was often lonely for me in this house full of hate and violence. I've seen through the books who I am and what's waiting for me: Hogwarts. It was my bright spot knowing that when I turn 11 years old, I can escape from both of them." He looked at Lily with soft eyes and added, "Together with you."
Lily grinned and blushed slightly.
"And you must have benefited from that knowledge in Slytherin, didn't you?" I snapped, his face turning blank as Severus turned back to me, but his eyes explored my features.
"Indeed, knowledge of black magic is certainly helpful in Slytherin. In any case, it saved me from being rejected because of my blood status. That and the fact that my knowledge is transferred to many subjects."
"Yes, you are exceptional in most subjects, Severus. Potions, Charms, History of Magic, Astronomy, Transfiguration... I can't think of a subject in which you haven't been praised in front of the class for your astute essays," I said appreciatively and immediately a grin flashed across his face, as I saw in class when he passed something with distinction.
"Yes, Sev loves the recognition for his talents, doesn't he?" Lily laughed and gave him a nudge in the hip, causing him to lose his balance for a moment. But that wasn't quite true, unlike others, he had never bragged about his achievements. It seemed rather natural to him, as if he expected nothing more from himself than perfection. In this way, he was able to prove himself to others and stand out from others.
"I'm not one to boast about anything. Unlike Potter," Severus replied, slightly irritated, but he couldn't seem to resist taking a swipe at James and Lily groaned briefly.
"Why are you so obsessed with him?" Lily asked sharply, which made Severus flinch a little.
"I'm just trying to make it clear to you that he is not as great as everyone seems to think," he said, staring at Lily so insistently that she blushed slightly. She opened her mouth to reply, but I intervened to defuse the situation I had created.
"Neither Lily nor I are fans of James Potter. He is far too arrogant. And a creep!", I turned off and saw how the eyes of Severus turned to me and met me with a certain gentleness that made my head hot.
Lily looked at the floor for a moment before nodding in agreement, her slit-shaped eyes widening again as her tension escaped.
"We shouldn't be arguing about someone like that, should we? Besides, you wanted to tell me that Petunia had received a letter from Dumbledore. I still can't believe it," I said.
For me it was the answer to the question of why he was involved in black magic, and it was understandable. Still, I couldn't condone that the events at Hogwarts, or the views of He Who Cannot Be Named, didn't make him realize just how dangerous turning to black magic can be.
Is this kind of magic maybe too seductive? Does it seem to be the easier path for him? Was it too difficult for him to walk on the "good" side of the path? Could he overcome himself for Lily?
I looked at both of them as I silently listened to their conversation about Lily's sister, Petunia, who is said to have written a letter to Dumbledore asking for admission to Hogwarts. I smiled about their story, but all I really thought about was that Severus could only change for Lily and no one else. His connection to her was too deep. She was and is his anchor, she stands for the good in his life. Was she aware of her importance to him?
Suddenly we saw Bertram Aubrey from Ravenclaw lying on the ground. His head was immensely enlarged and clearly too heavy to walk with.
Severus had his wand out first. "Reductio!"
Bertram got up, wiped the dirt from his cloak and looked at us. His brown eyes were still wide with shock.
"Thanks. Without you, I probably would have lain here for a while." His blond hair fell over his freckled forehead.
"Who was that?" Lily asked glumly. Her light green eyes looked at Bertram in disbelief.
"Sirius Black and James Potter. I made fun of the last Quidditch game Gryffindor vs. Ravenclaw. They didn't seem to like that." he said quietly, and I felt how uncomfortable this situation was for him. Bertram was a fierce Quidditch fanatic and always had a cheeky remark when Ravenclaws honour was at stake. And he wasn't entirely wrong because last year Gryffindor was beaten by Ravenclaw and Slytherin. There was no reason to play someone so badly. And while the two didn't use black magic, they were clearly hexing with malicious intent. I wondered if they were also responsible for my last hang. But would they hex a Gryffindor?
Lily drew in a sharp breath while Severus grimaced in disgust. He glanced at Lily to verify that she understood who the perpetrators of this misdeed were.
And suddenly Argus Filch, the caretaker, turned the corner. As if he was just waiting to catch someone in the act. His eyes glared at us maliciously.
"What's going on here?" he asked in a loud voice. Mrs. Norris, his cat, snuggled around his legs and stared at us. Did he already know what was going on here through Mrs. Norris? Filch is mostly very bad-tempered. Despite working at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Filch was constantly resentful of the students. He frequently suspected all of us of doing forbidden things if we just walked through the castle. But as you can see here, his suspicions were often justified.
Bertram was silent and I realized that he didn't want to tell anything about the hex, but Severus insisted on slandering his arch-enemies and told Argus Filch everything.
"So twice the head size, yes? Aubrey?" asked the caretaker and wrote it down on a card.
Bertram nodded. He lowered his eyes to the ground in front of him.
"Very well, that gives those scalawags at least five detentions. I'll report this to the Headmaster right away. Witchcraft outside of class is forbidden." he murmured happily to himself as Christmas had just been brought forward. Satisfied, Filch stumped off to the Headmaster's office.
Bertram gave us a quick look. It was obvious that while he was uncomfortable with the situation, he didn't want to be so resentful that James and Sirius were being punished for it. Did he fear further attacks against himself? But before we could say anything else, Bertram hurried quickly towards Ravenclaw Tower.
"Those curses in the hallways need to stop!" Lily stated, shaking her head. Her bright green eyes sparkled angrily.
"It's all down to Potter and Black. They think they can impress others with it. As if a magnifying spell were that. That's second-grade level.", said Severus in disgust. At the same time, I got the impression that he was enjoying Lily's anger. As if he could prove to her what James and Sirius were really like. Did Lily even need that reminder?
"You keep thinking it's all the two of them. Has it ever occurred to you that people from your house could also be behind this?" Lily asked with raised eyebrows. I bit my lower lip. Why did she protect them both? Because they were from our house?
I looked uncertainly at Severus, who now seemed tense, and he looked at her in irritation. I saw how he threw off his answer, but apparently he didn't want to provoke a new argument because he was silent and just clenched his jaws hard.
"Do you really think the Slytherins would trash their own common room like they did this school year, Lily?" What did you say, did everything happen, Severus?" I asked instead, because I couldn't hold back any longer. I also knew that James, Sirius and Peter did many things to humiliate the Slytherins.
"This school year? Well, firstly, constant stink bomb attacks. Then, one night, gravity was simply suspended, and we all flew up and stuck to the ceiling. Furthermore, the entire common room was covered with-" he began, but Lily raised her hands defensively.
"Alright, I get it. I understand that there are constantly some misdeeds happening in your quarters. But how do the boys manage to get in there all the time? Unseen?" she asked, still incredulous.
"If only I knew... but I have a suspicion that I can't substantiate. Not yet," Severus replied thoughtfully.
"And you know they often boast loudly at the table about being able to pull off such things. Anytime," I added, earning a grateful glance from Severus.
"Yes, Potter, Black, Lupin and Pettigrew are braggarts. But even if so, no one has been harmed. Unlike the things Slytherins do. With Muggle-born witches and wizards. Sev, this is something you should take a stand against," she said seriously, and it was an argument to which I couldn't add anything.
Lily and I had little knowledge of what happened outside the walls of Hogwarts, but the rise of this "you-know-who" terrified both of us.
"I told Mulciber, Avery, and Rosier to leave you two and Wilkes alone recently-"
"Sev! It's not just about Catherine and me! Can't you see what's happening here? All this pure-blood nonsense you all cling to is pure poison! How can you be so blind?" she asked loudly, her eyes wide open, looking like a wild Valkyrie ready to swoop down on her prey. But Severus continued to look into her bright green eyes.
"How do you envision that, Lily? Should I tell all my friends that I detest their actions? That I distance myself from everything associated with them? From Slytherin House?" he asked, shaking his head.
"Yes," she said only, leaving both of us standing. Severus's jaw dropped before he clenched his fists when he saw her explicitly sitting next to James and Sirius.
"Don't you want to go to her? Join her?" Severus asked bitterly, now looking at me with narrowed eyes.
"You know she's right, Severus. It's dangerous for witches like us. Most Slytherins support something that lacks any foundation. Or do you want to argue that Lily is not better in Potions than the pure-bloods Rosier, Mulciber, and Avery?"
"She's outstanding. But you both demand something I cannot do. Never. You know I want to achieve something. I don't want to end up like my parents, scraping by, surrounded by bleakness and violence."
"The path to that does not involve misguided beliefs, Severus," I said quietly.
"They are not misguided," was all he said before he turned away from me and headed to the Slytherin table.
So, we walked and parted in the Great Hall in silence. We still ate the same foods in the same room. Separate and yet together, right?
I took a seat at the Gryffindor table next to my friends. But none of them seemed to notice me, as they were reading a newspaper article with pale faces. I glanced at it briefly. For the first time in my life, we saw the Dark Mark, unaware that this symbol of fear and terror would accompany us from then on. A large black skull with an open mouth, and a long, serpent writhing forth.
"What's that?" I asked Lily, who had apparently been discussing it animatedly with James and Sirius.
"It's the new symbol of you-know-who," she whispered, making me immediately uneasy.
"So, there's been another attack? On Muggles?" I asked anxiously, casting another look at this symbol, which looked like a homage to Salazar Slytherin himself.
Lily sadly shook her head. "This time it hit a whole family, Muggle-born witches and wizards. They didn't even spare their little children." I saw tears forming in Lily's eyes. "They're all dead. Murdered."
"How could anyone do such a thing?" I asked in shock, while my hands clenched under the table.
"By being a despicable monster! With followers who blindly follow him for such pureblood rubbish," James exclaimed, pounding his fist on the table. "And nobody really does anything about it. My father says the Ministry is just standing by, letting it happen."
"I think my family supports him," Sirius whispered, lowering his head in shame. "They attend secret meetings. Regulus told me about it."
My gaze wandered to the Slytherin table, where Sirius's younger brother sat next to Bartemius Crouch, the son of an employee in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement at the Ministry. It was something he constantly boasted about, especially to Professor Slughorn. Both were chatting with broad grins. Regulus resembled his brother Sirius; he too had black hair and a haughty look. He was also attractive, but he was more slender and smaller than Sirius.
But my gaze didn't linger long on the young Black; it moved on to another boy with black hair. Severus sat next to Mulciber and Avery, poking at his food with boredom.
"Sirius, I'm sorry," I whispered, and he looked up to meet my eyes. There was a mix of anger and despair in his gaze.
"I don't know what to do," he said softly. "It's like a nightmare I can't wake up from."
I felt the tension at the Gryffindor table continue to rise. James clenched his fists, and Lily looked as if she wanted to take action against this atrocity immediately.
"We can't just stand by," James said determinedly. "We have to do something about it. The Ministry may be blind, but we're not."
Lily looked at him, a strange expression on her face.
"What do you want to do? Fight against you-know-who personally?" Peter asked with a trembling voice.
"If necessary, of course," he exclaimed, sounding deeply serious. "And we'll start with the Slytherins!"
"Not every Slytherin is evil!" Lily exclaimed angrily, as my gaze returned to the mentioned table.
At that moment, I noticed Severus staring at us with a dark look. Our eyes met for a brief moment before he turned his head away. It was hard to tell what was going on in his mind, but I could feel the heaviness in his gaze, and I couldn't help but wonder which side he truly stood on. Was he friend or foe? Or was he somewhere in between, caught in the turmoil of this emerging darkness?
It took several days before the dispute between us three was erased. And yet I felt that it continued to burn subliminally because we couldn't find a solution. Our opinions differed, Lily and I were ultimately the victims in this organization that seemed to be forming under a magician that wanted to wipe us out. Severus, on the other hand, didn't seem to see the danger to us, almost ignoring it. But we postponed it until a distant future. And yet, there was a fire between us when Slughorn's Christmas party came around.
I've been overlooked due to a lack of famous friends or background. But with the help of Severus and Lily in Potions classes, my skill level has continued to rise to the point that Slughorn himself invited me to his club. Even though Lily assured me that otherwise I would have just become her companion.
"Oh, Sirius didn't invite me again this year." Mary said mournful, watching us. We examined each other in the bathroom.
"But James and Sirius don't want to go at all this year," Lily said. How did she know? I looked at her inquiringly. Did her cheeks turn pink?
"Yeah, they don't go to Slughorn's parties. I can't understand at all. I envy you a little. You look really beautiful." Mary looked us up and down in awe.
"If you want, you're welcome to be my companion, Mary." said Lily and smiled encouragingly at Mary.
Mary thought for a moment and shook her head. "No, I'd rather use the time and try to get Sirius' attention in the common room with a game of Exploding Snap. I've been waiting for Sirius to see me for so long."
"I honestly can't understand what you see in him. I mean, yeah, he doesn't look bad. But what else does it have to offer?" I asked, eyeing her curiously, good looks or fame weren't everything.
"I love that barking laugh, it runs through my whole body. He's really smart and his sense of humour makes me laugh. And then there's this feeling when I'm around him. I can't even describe it, but I always have to think of him. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing before I fall asleep." Mary said and her eyes took on a dreamy expression, you could tell that she really meant it. I thought about Mary's words. Wasn't Severus and I similar? He triggered this feeling in me, which Mary described.
I swallowed and glanced at Lily, who was staring at her as much as I had. Did she just become aware of something similar to mine? That maybe she loved Severus more than just as a friend. I felt nauseous and held on to the sink for a moment.
"You see I've got it bad. I just hope he starts dating me soon, he sees an opportunity in us both." she said with a sigh while neither Lily nor I was able to reply.
Then she eyed us both again. "But I don´t understand why you two styed unaccompanied."
"Oh, we wanted it that way. Believe me, some have asked us.", said Lily happy. But she could only speak for herself. Nobody asked me, which doesn't really surprise me, since I wasn't as popular as she was. And given my shyness in the last school years, this was not surprising either. Besides, she wasn't entirely right in her assertion.
"But Lily, we do have an escort!" I said indignantly.
"Well, it´s not a right one, only a good friend."
"Not that Snape again? I do not understand you! He is hanging out with Mucliber. Evil Mulciber!" Mary´s face twisted in disgust and hate. An expression I didn´t recognize from her before. She really had changed. But was it a miracle, after everything she had experienced?
"Mmm, I know. I dislike it too, Mary. But maybe he will change." Lily tossed her red hair and the scent of violets permeated the room.
Mary raised her eyebrows in doubt. "I wish you luck. But I only say one thing: Slytherin!"
"Oh, come on. Why always these prejudices?" I asked with a bitter voice, this constant house rivalry was starting to annoy me.
"Why? Are you really asking? You are too naive, Catherine!", said Lily. She narrowed her eyes at me and frowned in irritation. Was it so hard to understand why I loathed that talk?
"If you think so." I said in a low voice, thinking about it. I got it a little, because many of the House of the Snake were clearly from families that hated Muggleborns. But by no means all of them. And Severus? I really didn´t know if he was one of them, but he was friends with us two. Didn´t that count? And that was proof that not everyone hated Muggleborns.
"I'm sorry, Lily! But I think we have different views." I said, trying to sound forgiving. Wasn't she the one who always saw the good in everything? Or had something changed in that?
"Yes, that may be." she said softly and suddenly a smile came to her lips again. "I think it's good that you give your opinion, even if it differs from mine. You are making progress! I like that!" Lily said with joy and appreciation in her voice. All the quarrels between us were swept away by a wave of friendship. And I grinned, she really helped me become more confident in my words.
As Lily and I got dressed up and walked giggling into the common room, whistles sounded. They came from James and Sirius' corner.
"Man, look at those two, James. It's hard to decide which of the two is prettier. Both are real eye candy." Sirius said so loudly that everyone eyed us. Mary, walking behind us, drew in a sharp breath. It was like a slap in her face, although Sirius had no idea what his words were doing to her.
"Don't worry, you don't have to, Sirius. Neither of us are interested in you." I answered quickly to calm Mary down. A few in the room laughed at my remark. Although I was more confident now, this attention was still too much for me.
James still gaped at Lily. She seemed flattered and I was horrified to see a smile on her lips and a touch of pink on her cheeks.
"For real? James Potter? Are you serious, Lily?" I whispered as as we left the room over the fat lady's portrait.
"No, of course not. I think he's a terrible braggart. He makes me sick." It sounded sincere, but her body language said the opposite. It got me thinking as we went to the dungeons together.
Of course, Severus was ready to intercept us, or rather Lily. He had dressed up a bit too and was wearing a black cloak lightly decorated with silver thread. I knew he bought it used in Diagon Alley. Probably to shine in front of Lily on such occasions. And he was really good looking. I had to swallow.
Severus too was simply blown away by Lily's appearance to notice my unsteady steps caused by my weak knees. He glanced at me only briefly out of the corner of his eye. I felt a big lump in my throat and had to swallow again.
Severus only had eyes for her. It made me angry and an inexplicable heat rose in my head. I looked pretty too, didn't I? At least that's what Sirius, the old womanizer, meant before.
I looked in a large mirror as I passed on our way to the party. The emerald dress robes suited me, even though they were as used as Severus's. My waist-length hair lay in light waves and caressed my face.
But I glanced at Lily in her blue and rich robe. Her red hair shone brighter than her green eyes. Yes, maybe I just don't have a chance against such a wonderful person. Nevertheless, I didn't like the thought of rivalry between us girls. Where did this suddenly come from? Why did I even feel this? Was it because of the obvious affection Severus felt for her?
I just don't want to think like that and shook those negative feelings aside. So, I turned to Professor Slughorn, who greeted us warmly. The dungeon was richly and festively decorated.
The ceiling and walls were draped with emerald green, crimson, and gold curtains, making it look like they were all in one giant tent. The room was crowded and stuffy and bathed in the red light cast by an ornate golden lamp dangling from the center of the ceiling and in which real fairies fluttered, each a brilliant speck of light.
From somewhere came a somewhat unpleasant singing. Several groups of old warlocks had formed in the corners, all deep in conversation. A number of house elves struggled through the crowd carrying heavy silver trays of foods and drinks. Severus and Lily seemed used to all this from previous parties, but being my first time here, I was amazed at what could be done with such a dungeon room. In the meantime, Lily and Severus had grabbed drinks and left me at the entrance.
I felt miserable, Severus and Lily were very close that night. Feeling out of place, I squeezed in between Alice and Frank. I didn't seem to bother them this time and we had a lot of fun. Slughorn mainly introduced us to Aurors who were in the service of the Ministry of Magic. He probably knew about the career aspirations of the two. To me, however, he didn't seem to seek many connections. I knew exactly what I wanted to be after Hogwarts, even if it meant a lot of learning. But I never wanted to be as helpless as I was when Mary was in danger.
However, my gaze often wandered to Lily and Severus, they both looked so happy together. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I said goodbye in good time.
As I threw myself on my bed, tears rolled down my cheeks. I reached for a cotton handkerchief from the inside pocket of my robes. It was his one. I spread it out and saw the initials E.S.- it was his mother's handkerchief. I pressed it to my heart. Severus had given me a piece of his family. Maybe I meant something to him after all?
The next morning dawned with the promise of holiday cheer, the final day of school before the break filled with the festive aura of twinkling lights and merry laughter. Christmas decorations adorned every corner, casting a warm glow over the bustling corridors. Suits of armour stood tall, their clinking echoing the joyful melodies of Christmas carols, while the Great Hall shimmered with the enchanting spectacle of twelve majestic fir trees, each adorned with glistening ornaments.
Amidst this atmosphere of jubilation, Lily, Severus and I had arranged to meet up after the last Charms lesson to finish the last homework together.
As Severus ascended the stairs from the dungeon, a playful twist of fate unfolded. My fingers fumbled, causing my book to slip from my grasp and skid across the antechamber, coming to a rest directly in front of him. With a grin, he bent down to retrieve it, his eyes alight with mischief.
"Very cocky, Catherine," he teased, a playful glint dancing in his gaze as I hastened towards him to reclaim the fallen tome. Yet, our brief exchange was abruptly interrupted by Lily's voice, laden with amusement.
"Oh, look at that! There's mistletoe hanging right above you two!"
Severus and I followed her gaze, our eyes locking on the sprig of mistletoe dangling mischievously above the entrance to an unused classroom, number 11. It seemed as though fate itself had orchestrated this whimsical moment, weaving its magic around us.
"Indeed." Severus stated in a low voice, uneasy. My heart beats faster and I just stood there frozen like ice as Severus turned to go.
"Hey, go ahead! Give each other a little kiss! You're spoiling the whole Christmas spirit!" Lily's laughter rang out, breaking through the tension that hung in the air like a delicate thread.
Severus took a quick look around and noticed that there was no one there but us, his resignation palpable, before closing the distance between us. With a sigh, he leaned in, his lips meeting mine in a gentle, tentative embrace. In that fleeting moment, barely a touch, time seemed to stand still as the world fell away, leaving only the sensation of his touch against my lips. It was enough to confirm within me everything I already suspected. I love him with all my heart. Truly, deeply and intimately.
As he drew back, a look of bewilderment flickered across his features, his eyes searching mine for answers. We stood locked in a silent exchange, the weight of unspoken words hanging between us, until Lily's laughter broke the spell.
"You see, there's nothing wrong with it. A Mistletoe grew over me and Xenophilius Lovegood yesterday. That might have been funny."
"And, you...? Did you kiss him?" Severus seemed to focus his attention on Lily again, while I could still feel his warm lips on mine. I knew, in that instant, that I would cherish this first kiss forever, its significance etched into the very fabric of my being.
"Sure, it's kind of part, isn't it? A little bit of love." Lily giggled in amusement at the puzzled expression on Severus' face.
"But you know he talks after those muggles about free love and nonsense like that." His jaw dropped as Lily laughed louder. I wondered if he was sorry at that I was standing under that mistletoe with him and not Lily. But the joy that he kissed me outweighed in this situation in my thoughts.
When we started our Charms homework, I was distracted. I watched him dreamily as he consulted books and filled his parchment in a tight and tiny handwriting. I couldn't stop thinking about wanting to do it again. Preferably here and now. Feel his lips and the touch of his hands.
Suddenly he looked up and straight into my face. Heat gripped my body and I felt myself turning red. I quickly looked at my almost empty parchment.
"Do you need help, Catherine?" he asked in a soft voice like he always did when he thought I needed an exchange of ideas with him on an essay.
"No, thank you, Severus. Everything is okay. I'm just having a hard time concentrating." I replied, trying to sound relaxed.
"Why?" He lowered his quill and looked at me in wonder. In my head I searched for a suitable excuse, which wasn't easy under his doubtful gaze.
"Um, I think because it's the last day of class. Tomorrow it will be empty here and…" I began and couldn't find an end to the sentence.
"Finally calmer?" he finished my unfinished words.
"Yes, I think I'll finish my homework tomorrow." I said quickly and noisily closed my book, filled my bag, and left for an early dinner. I saw Lily watching me go with raised eyebrows while Severus went back to his essay with an expressionless face, seemingly unimpressed by my quick exit.
Was he still thinking about our kiss? Or wasn't it relevant to him? Is it even possible that he could think of me as his girlfriend?
These questions kept me from sleeping all night. But after all, he only had eyes for Lily and that would certainly not change anytime soon, if ever.
Notes:
Perhaps this attitude explains Severus' later behavior as a teacher? I just wanted to build it in, I thought it was important somehow. Well, I hope you like the chapter?