-XXX-

SASUKE

The next morning I woke up in my large bed all alone, with my hand on the cold, deserted blanket. The pillow lost its wrinkled appearance long ago, as if Sakura had never rested her head on it.

I was not surprised that she got up apparently quite early and went to re-engage in her ritual of cooking, cleaning and moving around the house to refocus her thoughts. Sakura had been more restless than ever the previous few nights, and this night even more so.

Last night I pulled her back against me several times and felt her sobbing even though she tried to hide it. I held her close, hoping that would make the emotions drain out of her. Fortunately, her trembling faded after a while and the woman in my arms was finally able to fall asleep, so I was able to go to sleep as well.

I ran my hand tiredly over my face and sat down. I wanted to take a shower and then follow her into the kitchen. I needed to talk to her. There was so much we needed to clear up. There was a huge amount of stuff between us that we needed to figure out so we could move forward, now together.

I threw my legs off the bed, stood up and grabbed the dark grey robe draped over the chair. I made my way to the bathroom, and stopped abruptly. Something didn't seem right. The room was strangely dark.

I turned over my shoulder to the door that normally brought light into the room from the hallway. My bedroom door, however, was firmly closed. Why had Sakura closed it? Was she afraid the sounds from the kitchen would wake me up?

I frowned in incomprehension because she was the most thoughtful person I knew. And especially this early in the morning, she was very considerate and didn't make more than a soft noise, so she had no need to close the door. I walked across the room to the door and opened it.

I listened, but I was only greeted by silence. There was no sound reaching my ears, nor of her humming, nor of the sounds of breakfast preparation from the kitchen. I looked over to her own room. The door was wide open, but there was no sound from there either. My stomach clenched and I couldn't shake the strange feeling. I crossed the hall and peered into her room, where the lights were off. The bed was made and the room was cleaned so perfectly that it looked empty.

My heart raced and my feet led me uncontrollably back down the hallway to the stairs, which I took two at a time and stormed straight into the kitchen. "Sakura?" I called to her, but she didn't answer, and the kitchen was completely deserted.

I stopped dead in my tracks, panic rising in me. She must have gone out, probably to the store. There could be a lot of reasons why she left the house this morning. I hurried to the front door and there I found her car keys hanging on the hook in their place. She must have gone for a walk... I said to myself in my head.

So I went back to the kitchen and turned on the coffee machine. She's already shown me how to use it, so at least now I can make coffee. I looked out the window and it was foggy outside, with low dark clouds hanging in the sky.

When Sakura returns, I'm certain she'll welcome a hot cup of coffee. But when I reached for the mug, I saw her cell phone lying on the counter. And next to it, the house keys I gave her a long time ago. My fingers trembled as I picked them up. Why had she left the keys? How would she get in then?

I looked at the counter again and realized it wasn't just a cell phone and keys. It was everything. Her bank cards and the checkbook I gave her. And right next to it, a folded copy of our contract. It was all there.

Some kind of bright glimpse caught my eye. I leaned over and saw that underneath the contract we'd signed was her ring. Images of Sakura beaming with happiness when she received it surfaced in my mind. And the way I handed her the box and joked that the ring wouldn't bite her. But at the time, I didn't expect that the sight of the ring would cause me pain.

I saw the look on her face when I put the ring on her finger at our fake wedding, arranged for convenience but not for love. She looked so beautiful, and I questioned whether I had told her so. There were so many things I never told her. So many things I'll obviously never have the opportunity to tell her, because she's gone.

She left it all behind because she left me.

…

I already knew she wasn't here, but I searched the whole house inch by inch anyway. When I peeked into her dresser and the closet in her guest room where she kept her things, I found that most of the new clothes and accessories I'd bought her were still there. But some were missing.

There were two unpacked boxes in her wardrobe, and I found some of her toiletries in the bathroom, but one of the suitcases she owned was gone. I remembered hearing drawers opening and closing the previous evening. What I thought was a morning of cleaning and rearranging things was actually preparation for her to leave me.

With my head full of all sorts of thoughts, I sat down on the edge of the bed. Why? Why did she slept with me when she was about to leave? And why did she leave like that without a single word? As I thought about it, I was struck by the realization that I would have actually done the same thing.

Damn it! I cursed mentally. The answer to all of my questions was way too obvious. Tsunade was dead. Now she didn't have to take care of her, which meant she didn't have to keep pretending to love me for money she needed. I thought we were getting along fine. I even speculated that there was a little something more between us.

Why didn't she talk to me about it? It pissed me off that Sakura could talk for hours about the smallest things, but now she didn't say a word.

Of course she couldn't come and talk to me. When did I ever let her know she could talk to me? We became friendly enemies, united by a common goal. But now that goal has changed for her. I wanted to talk to her, despite the fact that I was not a man of many words, but she had no idea what I was thinking about her.

However, it still didn't occur to me how much my emotions had changed recently. The question that kept swirling in my brain, and the one that made no sense at all would be, "Why did she slept with me then?" I knew our intimate encounter was her first time and I was damn sure it meant to her what it meant to me. A bond.

The air in my lungs turned to ice as I recalled the scenes from last night and as another unbelievable thought flashed through my mind. I'd been so caught up in the moment, so caught up in Sakura, that I hadn't even thought about it until now. I slept with her without a condom, even though I had one ready in my nightstand. Another wave of panic swept over me.

What are the chances of her getting pregnant? But Sakura was gone. I had no idea where she was, how she was feeling, what she was thinking, if she was okay, and now I didn't even know if she was pregnant on top of it all. But I also had no idea how I might react if she was actually pregnant with my child. Had she even thought about that possibility? Because I never had, until now.

…

Once I had sorted my thoughts and calmed down a bit, I rushed out of her room and straight to my desk in my bedroom. I turned on my laptop and quickly scrolled through my recent browsing history. I wanted to see if maybe she'd ordered a plane or train ticket, but I couldn't find anything.

I also checked the bank account I'd gotten her from the beginning. I was surprised to see that she had withdrawn twenty thousand dollars from her account yesterday. I remembered that she had gone for a walk that afternoon and how she had insisted on going alone. That's because she went to the bank and withdrew or transferred money.

All she took was her "payment" for two months. Then when I went through her bank account history, as her authorized person, I found that outside of Tsunade's living expenses, she hadn't touched a cent of my money. She spent nothing on herself. She took nothing for her future.

I was even more confused than before. She didn't want my money. She didn't want me. So what did she want? She had left her keys and her gate access card, which meant she wouldn't be able to get into the house anymore unless Kabuto let her in through the gate, but she still wouldn't be able to get into the house. I knew she would have to call me eventually because she would want to retrieve her things that she had left behind.

I went back to Sakura's room once more. My gaze wandered to a shelf on the opposite side of the room from the bed. From the doorway, I could see that the urn with Tsunade's ashes that had been on that shelf was also gone.

Wherever Sakura went, she took it with her. But I already knew her so well that I knew she wouldn't abandon Tsunade's photos and other things that Sakura had boxed up and put in her closet after the funeral. They contained sentimental trinkets of things she considered important. And it was all still there when I opened the closet.

My head began to whirl as it always did when I was faced with a challenge. I began to break it down and look for incremental solutions. I could tell Namikaze and everyone I knew that she was going away for a few weeks. I could say that the shock of Tsunade's death was too much for her and that she needed a break.

I could also say I sent her somewhere warm to recover and calm down. That would buy me some time. Then when I hear from Sakura that she wants all the remaining stuff back, I can convince her to come back. I hope I can convince her to do it.

I walked over to the window and looked out into the dim light. The overcast day was a perfect reflection of my mood. I let my thoughts run free and thought of different scenarios until I finally decided that the simplest course of action was best. I'll stick with my original idea of why she left. I have her cell phone. I can text myself from it and fake phone conversations so people won't figure anything out.

Fuck! For the second time, I cursed in my head at the ridiculous and embarrassing thoughts that came to mind. I was sick to my stomach that I'd even thought to make up camouflage techniques. That wasn't the point at all. The girl I was supposed to be here for, and the girl I didn't want to lose, was gone. And so, perhaps, was my child.

It's just that...

My head fell forward into my hands and my shoulders slumped. I didn't want it this way. I really wanted to know where Sakura had gone. I needed to know she was safe and sound. I wanted to talk to her, really talk to her.

I was also concerned about her due to the fact that she was experiencing great grief and was unable to think clearly. She thought she was all by herself, even though she might not be. I leaned against the windowsill and looked down on the city. She was out there somewhere, and she was alone.

I have to find her. For both of us.

…

After an excruciatingly long time, I walked back to the house, pulled through the front gate into my parking space, and leaned my head on the seatback. I went to all the places I thought she might be there. I've been also at the airport, the train station, the bus stations, and even the car renting places.

I've shown her picture to probably hundreds of people, but I haven't discovered anything, no one has seen her. She didn't bring her cell phone, so I couldn't call her. I knew she had her own credit card besides the one she got from me. So I tried to contact her bank to see if she'd used it recently. However, they immediately turned me down. If I wanted to get that information, I would have to have rights to access it, or hire someone with underground connections to do it. I couldn't find anything on my own.

I dragged myself wearily into the house and threw myself down on the sofa. I didn't even bother to turn on the lights. The daylight was fading and the sky was slowly being swallowed by the grey night. Where the hell could she be? That was the question that had haunted me this entire day.

I was overcome with anger and frustration. I stood up, full of puzzlement, fury and anxiety. I paced up and down the living room as if that might improve my mood. I made it to my familiar bar table that was always there for me in times of trouble. I reached for a bottle of scotch, unscrewed the cap, and drank straight up without a glass.

I've always been so defensive about letting any emotions enter my life that they've caught up with me now. I felt like an idiot, slow and useless. My father didn't give a damn about me and my brother was the family's favorite, so I learned to rely on myself. And that's the way it was always meant to be. Just me.

With Sakura, I simply wasn't careful. I let my guard down and that woman tricked me. All right, she can go... Wherever she is, she shouldn't come back. I don't care... But when she finally calls about her stuff, I'll send it to her without a single word and with the divorce papers.

I froze in place with the bottle halfway to my lips. The abyss in my chest that had been threatening to open all day finally burst open and I immediately lost interest in getting drunk. I sat down heavily and set the bottle on the coffee table, as far away from me as possible.

My head was full of nonsense, like a fool who doesn't know what he wants. All the bad thoughts came only from my insecurity and fear. Sakura didn't do anything wrong and I didn't want her to leave. I want her to be here. With me. I wanted to hear her quiet voice asking me questions. Her teasing laugh. I wanted to hear her say my name and see her beautiful smile.

I gave a sigh, and the sound echoed quietly and sadly in the empty room. I wanted to wake up next to her and feel the warmth of her body entwined with mine. She took hold of my cold heart and managed to warm it up.

My thoughts went back to an argument we had a few weeks ago. How she tried to convince me that love wasn't so bad. Could she have feelings for me, too? Was that even possible? At the time, I pushed her ideas about love away and cut her off, thinking she was being too dramatic. Now, in my head… I could see the sadness in her eyes and the weariness in her voice as she told me how tired she was of all the lying and how guilt weighed her down.

But I, like an ass, insisted that we weren't hurting anyone. Namikaze got an excellent employee for his company, Tsunade could continue to live in a nice nursing home, and Sakura could have a better life when this fake marriage was over, and my life would just go on. No one will know and no one will suffer.

At that time I had no idea how wrong I was, because we were both suffering. I wanted my wife back, and this time for real. I just didn't know how to do it.

-XXX-

End of Chapter 30