Chapter 28 – in too deep
Azula woke up feeling rather disoriented because waking up in unfamiliar beds was not something that happened to her regularly. It didn't take long for her to realize that she was back in Yue's small but cozy apartment, sleeping on a slightly worn out and much smaller mattress than she was used to, also one that she had evidently shared with Yue.
It took a while for the memories from the previous night to flood back to Azula. She felt her cheeks growing very warm from the images drifting back to her mind. It had quickly become apparent that Yue hadn't been with anyone in a good while, not from her skills feeling rusty, but more from her overwhelming neediness. It was no wonder that Azula felt pleasantly sore this morning as she reached out to grab her phone from the nightstand, checking the time and realizing that she had woken up exactly three minutes before her alarm was scheduled to go off.
Following a brief struggle to get her limbs to cooperate, Azula finally succeeded in getting out of the bed. She dressed as quickly as she could, trying to listen in on the conversation on the other side of the door, but she couldn't quite make out the words of Yue and Kya talking in the kitchen. Since there wasn't much that Azula could do about her appearance before she had taken a shower, she bravely left the bedroom, uncertain of just what kind of situation she was about to walk into.
"Azula!" Kya exclaimed cheerfully, jumping out of her seat, rushing her and wrapping her arms around Azula's legs. "Good morning!" she greeted.
"Good morning, Kya," Azula smiled, even if she was taken aback by the little girl's enthusiasm. She reached out and briefly tousled Kya's hair, earning herself a soft giggle. "And Yue," she added, looking over at the other woman. Yue was still wearing her bathrobe and her hair looked damp from the shower. Her light blue bathrobe was dotted with fluffy white sheep and looked like the cutest thing Azula had ever seen. Yue was standing by the stove and trying her best to cook some pancakes, but despite concentrating so hard that she was sticking out her tongue, it didn't seem as if cooking was going well for Yue. Azula immediately saw the problem, realizing that the batter was just far too thin.
"Would you like some help with that, Yue?" Azula offered.
"I suppose that would be for the best," Yue admitted reluctantly. "I wanted to surprise both you and Kya, but as you can see, cooking just isn't one of my talents."
"That's fine, you have plenty of other talents to make up for it," Azula replied, smiling at Yue. "I was just wondering if I could take a shower first?" she asked.
"Of course," Yue smiled back. "I have laid out some towels for you in the bathroom."
"Thanks," Azula nodded, having to pry Kya off her before she was allowed to proceed to the bathroom. Azula quickly showered before going through her usual morning ritual to make herself perfectly presentable. For now, Azula's conscious mind was somehow managing to avoid confronting this strange, unexpected and possibly sensitive situation she had woken up to. Ever since the previous evening, Azula felt like she was covered by a veil making her happy and content, and she was reluctant to rip it off and confront the reality.
Azula eventually left the bathroom and returned to the kitchen. Yue had removed the hot pan from the stove, freeing the stage for Azula to work her chef's magic. Yue and Kya were currently sitting at the kitchen table and debating the merits of their preferred toppings to use once they had their pancakes. Their top choices were between maple syrup, chocolate sauce and acacia honey, and Azula had to chuckle at the way the pair solved their argument that the correct choice of topping was 'all of them'. Smiling, Azula quickly adjusted the thickness of the batter and began cooking. A few minutes later, the first batch of perfectly fluffy pancakes made their way to the table where Yue and Kya fell on them ravenously.
Yue and Kya were already on their third helping when Azula sat down to enjoy the fruits of her own labor. Yue and Kya just kept packing away more and more pancakes while Azula was still nibbling at her first, feeling a tiny bit nauseous when thinking about a second helping. "You don't like your own pancakes?" Kya gave her a surprised look. "They're the best ever!"
"I'm just not a breakfast person, sorry," Azula explained. "But don't let that stop you. I'm glad that you're enjoying your breakfast."
"We usually don't have much of a breakfast on work days," Yue said. "Kya has breakfast at the kindergarten and I always grab some snacks from the kitchen. Now and then Kya will ask for a bowl of cereal for breakfast, so that's the extent of my cooking," she laughed awkwardly. "But this felt like a special morning, so I wanted to do a little extra. I had no idea you weren't a breakfast person."
"That's fine," Azula replied. "It does feel like a special morning, I agree," she said, exchanging smiles with Yue.
In the end, due to Azula's pitiful contribution, Yue and Kya failed to conquer the stack of pancakes, but not for the lack of trying. "We need to leave soon," Yue said, having checked her phone. "Kya, go and start getting ready. I'll be with you in a moment," she told her daughter, giving Kya a firm stare when she was slow to get out of her seat. "We should be at the kindergarten at half past eight at the latest," Yue said, turning towards Azula. "The last thing I want to do is to rush you to leave, but-"
"I can drive you and Kya to the kindergarten and then we can go to the restaurant together," Azula suggested.
"Really?" Yue looked surprised. "I wasn't sure if you would feel comfortable doing that."
"Hmm?" Azula wondered, not sure what Yue was talking about. She was still stuck in her happy and content bubble, unwilling to burst it. "It just makes sense. This way you don't have to take your own car so you'll save on gas," Azula said.
"That's very true… I'm just surprised that you would think of that," Yue chuckled.
"Believe me… I'm as surprised as you are," Azula admitted. This atmosphere of domestic bliss was really messing with her in a weird way.
"What if someone at the restaurant asks about us arriving together in your car?" Yue asked. "Someone will definitely ask, come to think of it. What do you want to say?"
"Well, they know I sat with Kya last night, right?" Azula shrugged. "Let's just say that you arrived home after midnight and I decided to sleep over at your place since it was so late already."
"Alright," Yue grinned, looking very happy. "I'm so glad you're taking all of this in stride. I really enjoyed your company last night… and, well… every minute you've been with me here," Yue added shyly before leaning in and giving Azula a tender kiss that tasted of honey and chocolate. "I better go and help Kya get ready."
"Sure," Azula managed, distracted by the sweetness of the kiss. "I suppose I should get ready myself…"
Suki watched Katara pace back and forth at an alarming speed as they were supposed to be relaxing in the upstairs living space following the Wednesday dinner service. The service had gone smoothly and their takings were remarkably good for a midweek evening, but when Azula and Yue left together in Azula's car for the second evening in a row, it had clearly triggered something in Katara.
"You know, it's not really productive to pace back and forth like that," Suki remarked cautiously, sitting on the sofa and giving Katara a slightly concerned stare.
"I know, I'm just…" Katara stopped and paused, searching for words. "Agitated, I suppose! I can't figure out what's going on between them!"
Suki obviously didn't need Katara to explain who exactly she meant by them. She also couldn't deny feeling curious, as well as becoming increasingly frustrated by not knowing what was going on between their friends. "Have you thought of maybe confronting Azula or Yue about it?" Suki asked. "Or both of them?"
Katara looked like she had been about to resume pacing, but at Suki's questions, she appeared thoughtful and sat down on the other sofa, opposite to Suki. "That would be the reasonable thing to do, wouldn't it?" Katara laughed nervously. "And yet…"
"You're afraid to learn that they've decided to go for something serious together," Suki tried.
Katara looked momentarily devastated before recovering quickly. "I mean, they're making it look like that's what they're doing," she sighed. "What are we supposed to think when Azula has been staying at Yue's place for four nights straight?"
"Yes, it's very confusing," Suki nodded. "I mean… if Azula had reconsidered her future plans, surely she would have told us? And she has been so adamant about returning to her father after her stay at the restaurant is up. It would have been such a momentous decision for her to change her mind. No, she would have told us, I'm sure of it."
"But if she hasn't changed her mind about that, then what are they doing?" Katara exclaimed in a voice that came very close to breaking as she jumped back up to her feet and resumed her pacing. "If Azula is going back to her father, then Yue is just signing up for major heartbreak, isn't she? And what about Kya? How is she going to react to Azula being there for a few months and then just disappearing one day? That's going to upset her a lot, isn't it? I can't believe Yue would put her daughter through that just because she wants to get with Azula! It just seems so crazy! I can't understand what they're doing!"
"Maybe they're not thinking," Suki suggested, giving her friend another concerned stare. "Maybe they're just getting caught up in a moment. It happens, Kat."
"I know, I just-" Katara rambled, but Suki interrupted her, reaching out and grabbing her by the hand, pulling Katara down on the sofa with her.
"Damn, you're really broken up about this, aren't you?" Suki asked worriedly.
"It would be foolish to try and deny that," Katara sighed. "I suppose I was naïve too and I got caught up in the moment when I said that I could keep things casual, because I clearly can't control my own emotions. And if Yue and Azula decide to go for a serious relationship, I want to be happy for them, but… I'm not sure I could be, not when my heart is breaking."
"That serious, huh?" Suki gave Katara a compassionate stare, watching Katara nod at her. Katara always put her whole heart into everything she did. She couldn't even casually make a sandwich, so it had been pretty stupid to believe that she could keep things on the casual with Azula. "Well, whatever you need, I'm here for you, babe," Suki said softly, putting her arms around Katara.
"Thanks, Suki," Katara sniffed. "But don't tell me you're not the slightest bit upset about this. You really want Azula too, don't you?"
"I do, sure," Suki admitted with a smile. "But I don't think I'm in-" Suki stopped abruptly, reconsidering. She was more than certain that Katara was in love with Azula, but perhaps it was best not to say it out loud and spare Katara's feelings at least a little. "I'm just not feeling as passionately about Azula as you clearly do," she said. "I'll be honest, though, if I end up being the only one who didn't get to sleep with Azula, then I will be very annoyed."
"I understand," Katara said quietly. "You deserve to experience it. I'm also not going to lie, it would hurt just a little bit, but I would still fight for your right to have that."
"You're an amazing friend, Kat," Suki smiled, hugging Katara tightly. She stared into Katara's eyes, for the moment feeling lost in those blue pools of infinite sadness and longing. "I have an idea if you're willing to try something a little crazy," Suki said suddenly. Katara's expression changed to one of extreme curiosity. "We are both in need of a distraction to avoid thinking about Azula and Yue, so… what if we were to hook up?"
"Seriously?" Katara blinked, blushing lightly, but then assuming a determined expression. "Yeah, why not? I'm willing to try, if you are."
"Not going to lie, I'm pretty curious now," Suki grinned, leaning in with the intent to kiss Katara. The kiss was very intense and passionate, because Katara's very nature made sure that it couldn't be anything other than that. Still, when they parted a few minutes later, there was a look of uncertainty on Katara's face, and Suki was sure that the expression on her face matched it.
"How was that for you?" Katara asked.
"I mean, you're a great kisser," Suki said earnestly. "But… uh, and don't take it the wrong way, but that kiss made me think about my foster sister. I don't know if I've ever told you about Mingxia."
"You've mentioned her a few times," Katara said before chuckling nervously. "But wait, why did that kiss remind you of your foster sister?"
"It just brought back the memories of me and Mingxia at the age of sixteen," Suki explained. "Mingxia had crippling social anxiety. There was a boy she really fancied in high school, and he liked her, but she always turned down dates because she was so terrified that she'd be terrible at kissing and everything that follows it. I was already out as bisexual, so… well, long story short, we ended up practicing kissing a lot. Like, so much that stories about us started to spread. And like… it was really fun, but at the same time, it just felt like maybe a little too safe? Like there wasn't any real spice to it, you know?"
"Yes, I completely get you, actually," Katara nodded. "If I had a sister, that's what I imagine kissing her would feel like." She then blushed fiercely. "No, wait… that came out sounding very weird. I hope you get what I meant, though."
"I think what we both mean is that we love each other, but we work better as friends," Suki chuckled. Katara nodded once again. "Anyway, do you feel at least a little better now?" Suki asked.
"A little, yes," Katara said. "Still, I could do with a real distraction, even if it's not a sexy one."
"Well, we could always have a sleepover at either of our places, get something stronger to drink and binge watch It's Always Sunny in Ba Sing Se until we pass out?" Suki suggested.
"Sounds great," Katara grinned. "But just a few drinks and definitely no sniffing glue."
Suki laughed. "Yeah, I'm happy to pass on the glue," she grinned at Katara.
Azula had always been a very light sleeper. She had never truly hypothesized about why that was the case, but remembering her childhood and constantly waking up to her parents shouting at each other and occasionally throwing things, the explanation seemed obvious. Almost twenty years later, nothing had changed and Azula still woke up to the lightest sound such as the creaking of the floorboards or opening of the doors.
Despite being a light sleeper, Azula didn't startle easily, so when someone entered Yue's bedroom in the middle of the night, Azula was not alarmed because she immediately assumed correctly that it was Kya, probably having been woken up by a nightmare. "Mommy! Mommy?" Kya revealed herself by whispering frantically and trying to get her mother's attention, but when it came to sleeping, Yue was the complete opposite of Azula. When Yue fell asleep, one could detonate a nuke next to her and she would most likely sleep through it.
"What is it, Kya?" Azula decided to reveal that she was awake, trying to prevent Yue from being awoken needlessly.
"I had a bad dream and I can't sleep," Kya sniffed. "I don't want to be alone in my room."
Azula sighed inwardly, not immediately certain how to respond. Yue's bed was much smaller than anything Azula was used to and there wasn't a lot of space with her and Yue. Kya was probably hoping to spend the rest of the night feeling safe next to her mother, which was not something that Azula could relate to. Certainly, she had vague memories of having nightmares as a child and slipping into the bedroom of her parents, pleading to be allowed to stay with them. Ozai always berated her for being a crybaby before sending Azula back to her room, though. She couldn't have been more than six in some of those unpleasant memories.
"Want me to go back to your room and sit with you?" Azula offered.
Kya skipped over to Azula's side of the bed and gave her a pleading stare. "I was hoping I could stay with you," Kya spoke hopefully. She looked a little pale and her cheeks were tear-stained, so it was clear that the nightmare was not invented and it had given her quite the scare.
Azula sighed again, admitting defeat in the face of Kya's plea. As a general rule, Azula could not stand small children because they were loud, unreasonable, illogical and filthy. And yet, while Kya still had her exasperating small child moments, she had somehow managed to carve herself a place in Azula's difficult-to-move heart. There was no way Azula could do something as cruel as tell Kya to just go back to her room. That was one lesson of her father's that she refused to learn.
"Very well, crawl in," Azula said, helping Kya scramble into the bed and settle in the gap between her and Yue. "But remember, we're here to sleep, not to build a pillow fort or talk until the morning light. So, now that you're safe again, it's time to close your eyes."
"Aww, but I want to build a pillow fort now," Kya whined, but Azula remained unmoved. "Can we make a pillow fort tomorrow?" Kya wouldn't let go.
"No," Azula grumbled.
"Pretty please?" Kya made sad puppy eyes at her.
"Ugh, fine…" Azula groaned. "We'll make a pillow fort tomorrow evening, I promise. Can we go back to sleep now?"
"We can," Kya agreed happily. "Goodnight, mommy," she added before closing her eyes.
Azula froze at those words. Surely, Kya must have meant them for Yue, and yet when she stole a peek at Kya, Azula saw the little girl staring up at her. "G-goodnight, Kya," Azula replied shakily. Kya looked very satisfied as she closed her eyes and resumed sleeping, unaware of the highly agitated state those words had left Azula in.
The past few days had felt amazing, as long as Azula didn't stop to question just what she was doing, and simply enjoyed the bliss of Yue and Kya's company. But Kya's words had pierced the veil and the realization of how this small child was starting to view her immediately made everything feel far too real for Azula.
As the reality of the situation began to dawn on Azula, she couldn't believe that she had allowed things to go so far and become so serious. The worst part was that she couldn't even understand why she had allowed it. Azula had always told herself that she wanted to keep things casual with the girls at The Northern Lights, and yet, she had lost control so quickly and effortlessly, with Yue having to do very little to lure her in. Was it because deep down Azula actually craved something serious like this, something permanent, showering her with love and affection?
But Azula told herself that this couldn't be the answer. She couldn't want that, because she had no idea what such a relationship looked like, not truly. She certainly hadn't learned that during her childhood. As far back as her memory stretched, Azula could not remember any warmth in the relationship between her parents. And once Ursa was out of the picture, there was certainly no warmth in the relationship between Ozai, Zuko and her. Their celebrity father would never even stoop as low as to cook for them, not even for special occasions, they had a personal chef for that.
With such messed up childhood, what did Azula know about loving and caring relationships? She had inserted herself into the lives of Yue and Kya like an impostor, placing herself in a position where she was bound to hurt Yue and Kya because she was still leaving in four months. Perhaps Yue deserved to take some responsibility as well, because Azula had never given any indication that she could possibly reconsider leaving, that sort of uprooting of her life was simply not in the cards. But Azula didn't want to blame Yue, not when she knew how easy it was to get carried away, not when she saw that Yue and Kya clearly wanted and needed someone else in their lives.
How to get out of this situation without hurting Yue and Kya felt like an impossible puzzle to solve, and it kept Azula awake for the rest of the night as she waited anxiously for the alarm of her phone to go off and allow her to escape this uncertainty about what to do next.
Katara managed to keep her mouth shut about the situation with Azula and Yue for two more days, and when she finally ended up confronting Azula about it, the conversation happened without any previous planning. Following the lunch service, Katara climbed up on the roof, wanting to simply be by herself for a while so that she wouldn't end up spilling her frustrations onto some innocent bystander. However, once up on the roof, Katara ended up running into Azula, who had clearly arrived on the roof with similar intentions, leaning against the railing and smoking a joint, something Katara had never seen Azula do before a service. It almost seemed as if Azula was trying to calm her nerves, although considering how cozy she and Yue seemed to be as of late, Katara couldn't imagine what Azula was stressing about.
Katara walked up to Azula and leaned in against the railing next to her. "What's going on?" Katara asked.
"Not much," Azula replied. Despite being in the process of getting stoned, she still sounded rather tense. "Just having a smoke. Want a hit?" she offered the joint to Katara.
"No, thank you," Katara refused firmly. "Anyway, I'll give it to you straight. I didn't mean what's going on in general. I meant what's going on between you and Yue."
Azula didn't say anything for a long time, and when she finally replied, Azula's words sent Katara's blood boiling. "I… actually have no idea," Azula admitted quietly.
"What do you mean?" Katara demanded. "Feel free to tell me to mind my own business, but I really need you to explain that. We agreed to have this… casual thing, but then suddenly, it feels like everything has changed. I think I deserve to hear an explanation."
"I'm terrible at explanations," Azula sighed. "Anyway, that evening when I babysat Kya, Yue came back upset and… well, it felt like she needed me there. And after that, we just fell into this comfortable and familiar feeling pattern without actually discussing what it was. I know it sounds stupid, but I have no idea where it leaves us."
"But you're still leaving once you have won this competition against your brother?" Katara asked. Azula nodded hesitantly. "Maybe you should think about what your departure will do to Yue, and especially to Kya," Katara said. Azula turned away, looking uncomfortable. Katara reached out and grabbed Azula's wrist, squeezing it and forcing Azula to look at her. "I really care about you,
Azula," Katara spoke firmly. "But if you hurt Yue and Kya, I'm going to hurt you hundred times worse, I swear."
Azula withdrew her hand, rubbing her wrist and giving Katara a conflicted stare. "I didn't want to hurt anyone," Azula said. "I know I've messed up, though. I came up here to think of a way to fix it, but… I'm short on ideas. Maybe…" Azula gave Katara a hopeful stare. "Maybe you can think of something…"
"I don't think so," Katara shook her head. "This is your mess to fix. It doesn't help that often I don't even know what you want, Azula. You claim that you will always put your career above everything else, but you don't always act like that's actually what you want."
"It is what I want, I'm deadly serious about it, Katara," Azula said, but Katara was not convinced. "I know you're not exactly career oriented the way I am, Kat. And I know you're probably angry with me for putting my career above people who clearly care for me deeply. And you probably think that I should stay with Yue and Kya."
"Well, I don't know if I would say that," Katara blurted out spontaneously, causing Azula to give her a surprised stare. Katara blushed, looking away. "Of course, I want what's best for Yue and Kya. I love them both, but… I'm struggling to be objective here, because… I also want what's best for myself."
Azula looked confused. "I don't follow," she confessed.
"Ugh, are you really going to make me say it?" Katara groaned, feeling her cheeks burning. Because I want you all for myself, was on the tip of her tongue, but as long as Azula claimed that she was committed to walking away, Katara didn't really want to put her genuine feelings out there like that and open herself to heartache.
"Say what?" Azula pressed, still looking frustratingly clueless.
"Spirits, you can be such an idiot!" Katara exclaimed in frustration, losing her patience. "Yue is not the only one who might want something more serious with you if only the option of you staying was on the table!"
Azula blinked, then cringed as she digested the meaning of Katara's words. "We're all terrible at keeping things casual," Azula said quietly, making Katara snort. "But you are right, I am an idiot. I didn't realize that this was making you jealous and hurt."
"Yes, well…" Katara sighed, turning to look at the park across the street, just so that she didn't have to look Azula in the eyes. "It really threw me for a loop, realizing that you want something more serious with Yue, but you wouldn't want that with me."
"But that's not actually true," Azula tried, reaching out and touching Katara's hand.
Katara allowed the touch to linger, but not for long as she eventually withdrew her hand. "Well, how was I supposed to know that?" Katara shrugged. "How can I be sure you even mean what you say? Your actions and your words are completely at odds with each other the whole time."
Azula pulled back, looking a little hurt herself. "Fair, I suppose," she admitted. "Maybe you just don't understand how torn I am about… a lot of things in my life."
"Well, why don't you tell me, then?" Katara turned on Azula, passion and fire flowing into her voice. "I want to understand!"
"I think it's something that I need to figure out for myself," Azula replied, cringing slightly. "I'm sorry." She reached out and boldly took Katara's hands, forcing Katara to look into her eyes. "I know I've messed up, but I hope you at least believe me when I say that I never wanted to hurt you, Katara. I would much rather hurt myself hundred times over than cause you pain, I swear."
Katara blushed at the passionate declaration, unable to stop her heart from skipping a few beats. It didn't help that Azula was looking so painfully earnest at that very moment. "Well… no matter how hard we try, sometimes we can't avoid hurting the ones we… care about," Katara managed, struggling to get the words out.
"Do you think there's a way we can still go back to what we all agreed on?" Azula asked, not letting go of Katara's hands. "Just having fun while I'm here? Or was I too naïve to believe that we can make it work?"
"I think we were all a bit too naïve when we agreed on that plan," Katara sighed. "But I would take that over what we have now. I have no idea how you're planning to resolve the situation with Yue and Kya, though."
"I don't think there are any clever schemes or plans for me to pull there," Azula admitted with a sigh of her own. "I guess I'll just have to go with the approach that never feels natural to me, and that's… simply being honest."
Katara chuckled bitterly before unexpectedly pulling Azula into a hug. "I have a feeling that being honest might be the only thing that works here," she whispered in Azula's ear as they stood there embraced for a good while.
Azula needed a couple more days to build up her courage and do something about the situation with Yue and Kya. It took Azula until Sunday evening, when after the dinner service she drove Yue back to her apartment, as it had become a routine for them over this past week. As Yue was about to get out of the car, she noticed that Azula wasn't moving to unhook the seatbelt and follow her. Yue sat back down in the passenger's seat and gave Azula a worried look.
"What's wrong?" Yue asked, the soft concern in her voice making Azula feel like a complete monster.
"I… I was thinking," Azula began, finding it hard to force the words out. "Maybe I should spend the night back at my place."
"Why?" Yue's asked, nervousness creeping into her voice. "Have I done or said anything-"
"No! Agni, no…" Azula interrupted Yue, turning to face her. "I just feel like… we're getting in too deep. Yue, I'm still leaving Caldera City in four months…"
"I see," Yue managed. Her baby blue eyes were already pooling with tears. It was so painful to witness that Azula would have preferred to instead be beaten senseless by a goon with tire iron.
"In my defense, I never told you that I had changed my mind about it," Azula said. "But… I shouldn't have taken a week to reiterate it. That's very much my fault."
"I just thought that maybe… I mean, you seemed so happy…" Yue ground out, trying to fight off the sobs. "I thought that maybe if I didn't bring it up, you'd eventually forget all about leaving. So, it's not just your fault… it's my fault, too."
"How is it possible that we both wordlessly agreed to avoid such an important issue for so long?" Azula wondered. "It seems very irresponsible in retrospect."
"I don't know," Yue smiled weakly. "I think I simply got caught up living my wildest dream, you know? This is something I really wanted, even if it's not something you can give me. Thinking of the three of us as a family, it… it was so intoxicating. I wanted to believe so much that it is really happening, and I guess I somehow managed to convince myself."
"I understand," Azula nodded. "I also felt like I was stuck in this bubble of happiness. And I'm sorry for having to break it, but I'm not comfortable with losing my grasp on reality. It's dangerous."
"I suppose you're right," Yue sighed. "We would have been forced to wake up from this dream sooner or later." She paused for a moment, studying Azula's face. "What now?"
"I'm… not sure," Azula admitted. "I would suggest that we pull back to something more casual, but… it feels like an odd suggestion when I had imagined that by now you would be angrily yelling at me."
Yue shook her head firmly. "I'm not angry with you, Azula. Not when I'm equally responsible for allowing this to get out of hand," she sighed. "However, if you were to just drive off and leave me to pick up the broken pieces with Kya, I would probably be angry with you. My little girl is still up and awake, waiting for us to get back from the restaurant. She's called me five or six times during the service about this Pai Sho move that she wants to tell you about. Am I supposed to just break Kya's heart by telling her that you're not going to be there with us anymore?"
Azula winced at Yue's words. They had become carried away in a manner that was very irresponsible towards Yue's daughter. "I… suppose that Kya needs to hear the truth from me," Azula managed, hating every word coming from her mouth.
"I think she does, yes," Yue nodded in agreement. "Or, we can do it together, if you wish, but we need to get going. Kiyi might have noticed us arriving and she's probably wondering why we're not getting out of the car."
"Good point," Azula agreed, reluctantly getting out of the car and following Yue into the apartment complex.
Yue was still fumbling with the keys when the apartment doors were opened by Kiyi, Azula's babysitting sister letting them inside. "There you are," Kiyi said. "I'd like to stay and chat, but I still have to do my geometry homework, ugh." She turned towards Yue. "We've eaten, brushed our teeth and gotten ready for bed, but as always she refuses to sleep before saying goodnight to you. Also, Azula, prepare to be dazzled by some fancy Pai Sho moves."
"Thank you so much, Kiyi, you're a lifesaver," Yue smiled, rummaging through her purse before handing Kiyi her babysitting fee. "I don't know what I would do without you," she said, briefly embracing Azula's little sister.
"You'd be stuck with inferior babysitters, that's what you would be doing," Kiyi grinned before turning to face Azula. "Mom was complaining earlier about how you've stopped visiting." Azula grumbled at the comment. "I hope you haven't forgotten about the Friday, at least," Kiyi glared at her.
"Of course not," Azula replied quickly. Next Friday was Kiyi's birthday, and Azula had promised to take an afternoon off in order to attend the party. Her enthusiasm for the event was dampened by the knowledge that Zuko would also be there. As far as Azula was convinced, inviting both her and Zuko was a recipe for disaster, but Kiyi had insisted, and Azula did not quite have it in her to turn down the invite.
"Okay, just making sure," Kiyi nodded. "Anyway, text me the details of when you need me next. Just remember that I have drama club on Mondays, alright?" she told Yue before leaving the apartment.
"So," Yue began once she and Azula found themselves alone in the kitchen. "We can do this together if you wish," she said, nodding at the doors to Kya's bedroom.
"No, it's on me to explain," Azula shook her head. She wasn't sure just how she was going to explain the situation to a four-year-old and the inevitable conversation terrified her, but Azula felt honor bound to handle this all by herself. Yue and Kya both deserved as much. "Well, wish me luck," Azula said, heading straight for Kya's room.
"Azula!" Kya literally bounced up and down on the bed, knocking some of the Pai Sho tiles on the floor as Azula entered.
"Hey, kiddo," Azula said, quickly picking up the scattered tiles before sitting on the edge of Kya's bed. "You seem a little too excited for someone who should be fast asleep already."
"But I have to show you something first before I can sleep!" Kya protested. She quickly placed some of the Pai Sho tiles back on the board before proudly demonstrating the moves she had come up with. Azula felt mildly impressed by Kya's efforts. A solid player like Azula immediately saw ways to counter Kya's ideas, but it was still impressive creativity by a very young child who had only recently learned the basic moves.
"Those are very good moves, I agree," Azula said after Kya was finally done with her demonstration. "But now you should get ready for sleep while I put the board and the tiles away."
"Okay…" Kya reluctantly agreed, settling in comfortably and hugging her favorite seal plushie. "Can we play a game tomorrow before kindergarten?"
Azula sighed, sitting back down on Kya's bed and placing a comforting hand on the little girl's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Kya, but I won't be here in the morning," she said.
"Why not?" Kya rose up in the bed, looking alarmed.
"Because…" Azula began, stopping when she couldn't find the words to continue. "I'm… it's hard to explain. But I want you to know that I care about your mom and I care about you. But that's also why I can't stay with you and your mom the way I have been staying here this past week."
"I don't understand," Kya looked distressed. "You don't like it here with me and mommy?"
"I do like it here, Kya, but… staying wouldn't be fair to you and to your mom," Azula sighed. "In a few months, I will be heading back to the Earth Kingdom."
"Leaving? You're… leaving?" Kya repeated incredulously. "But I thought-"
"I should have explained it to you from the very start," Azula said, struggling to keep her voice steady. "I'm very sorry for not doing that. I never wanted to upset you, little one."
"I don't care! Never needed you anyway. Mom and I have always been fine by ourselves," Kya said stubbornly, turning away and hugging her seal plushie again, falling silent.
Azula's first reaction at Kya's words was relief. The little girl was so smart for realizing that she and Yue didn't need a fuckup like Azula in their lives. Azula was about to open her mouth and express her agreement with Kya's words, when she suddenly noticed that Kya was pressing her face against the seal plushie because she was full-on crying, a realization that felt like a gut punch to Azula.
"Kya…" she tried carefully, once again putting her hand on the little girl's shoulder. "I may not be with you and your mom physically all the time, but I still want to be involved in your life as much as I can," Azula said. She wasn't even sure how she was going to fulfil this promise, but she was serious about trying her best. "I'll visit as much as I'm able, and I will help your mom make sure that you lack for nothing while growing up. I'll continue to be there for you, I promise."
"It's not the same," Kya whimpered. "But it's okay. My dad wouldn't stay with me and mom. Why would you?"
Azula felt like she had just been stabbed between the ribs at those words. "Kya, it's not because your dad doesn't love you," she said quietly. "He still tries to provide for you as best as he can. It's just that… when you're an adult, things can become very complicated. We don't always get to do what we want."
"Is it because you also have a parent telling you what you can or can't do?" Kya asked.
"I…" Azula froze from how Kya had accidently hit the nail on the head. "Sometimes that can be a factor, yes," she admitted.
"That's dumb," Kya sighed. She still looked very upset. "I want my mommy," she spoke up tearfully.
"I'll go find her for you," Azula said, getting up from the bed. "And I'm sorry, Kya. I'll do my best to make it up to you, I promise," she said, turning around to leave and starting to break down before even reaching the doors.
Yue had obviously been listening in on the other side of the doors. "So, that went about as well as expected," she spoke gloomily.
Azula was full-on sobbing by now. "That… might just have been the most difficult conversation I've ever had," she admitted. "And that's compared to some dressing-downs by my father which left me feeling utterly worthless and pathetic."
"It's not a conversation that you needed to have, though," Yue pointed out, looking upset. "That was entirely your choice to have it. You could have stayed-"
"I couldn't have, and you know it," Azula cut Yue off. "I thought I had explained myself sufficiently-"
"You explained yourself, sure," Yue interjected quickly. "The trouble is that I just don't buy your explanations."
"Come again?" Azula frowned, staring at Yue.
"I think it's pretty obvious that deep down you actually want something like this, a loving and caring family. I think you want it more than you want your successful career and the approval from a cold and uncaring father," Yue said firmly.
"I… it's all very easy for you to say that!" Azula tried to defend herself, even if she knew that it was coming off half-hearted. "You haven't worked as I have to become famous and successful! I did all of that from the age of twelve! I sacrificed my teen years in order to have this career and I'm simply not ready to throw it away, even if it means that you're going to hate me for it. I'm sorry, but that's the truth."
Yue continued to stare at her without flinching. "No, I think you know that what I said is the real truth," she insisted. "But I can also see that you're not ready to face it and take the step that I want you to take. I just hope that by the time you're ready to do the right thing, it won't already be too late."
Azula didn't know how to respond to that, which wasn't something that happened to her often. "I'm sorry that I can't do what you want, Yue," she sighed in defeat. "The last thing I wanted was to hurt you or Kya. But I guess that's what I always end up doing to the people I care about. I think you can see that pattern in my relationships with my friends and my family."
"Don't even try to throw a pity party for yourself, Azula," Yue glared at her. "Your problem isn't that you're a bad friend, sister or daughter. Your problem is that you refuse to let anyone in." Yue let out a heavy sigh. "And no, I don't hate you, you won't ever have to worry about that. I know you didn't want to hurt me or Kya. This was just… an unfortunate situation. We're both to blame for getting carried away, really."
Seeing the tears appear on Yue's cheeks forced Azula to take a step forward and the next moment they were embracing and crying in each other's arms. After a while, Yue pulled away, wiping her cheeks clean. "I should go and stay with Kya, now," she said quietly. "And you should be on your way, Azula. I'll see you on Tuesday, okay?"
"Okay," Azula nodded, swallowing heavily as she turned to leave. As Azula climbed into her car and drove off, she already knew that this would be one of those sleepless nights where she wouldn't find a moment of peace. Not just because of how she had messed up with Yue, and especially with Kya, but also because Azula knew that she would find it hard to dismiss some of the things that Yue had told her.
But even if Yue was right and Azula was starting to experience some doubts about her chosen path, one thing was clear to Azula. Even if she wanted a relationship full of love and affection, she simply was not good enough to have that with one of the girls of The Northern Lights.