Chapter 25

A/N : Finally, I have broken the Winter 1807-1808 loop! It only took 8 chapters hahaha crying. Summer, here we come :)

As usual, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your reviews! Except for the really mean guest review. I hope you realise Jane Austen also wrote Lady Susan.

I have once again written this chapter listening to Taylor Swift on loop.

Reality Check Pro Max

12th June 1808,

Alina's Chamber,

Stanway House,

Gloucestershire

'Alina', Michelle was trying her best not to laugh, 'What are you doing?'

'What do you think?' Alina gasped, bracing herself on the dresser as Sarah pulled her laces tighter.

'You won't be able to breathe if I tighten it anymore, Miss', Sarah said, wiping her forehead with her arm.

'And your bosom will look like it's going to explode out of your dress', Michelle giggled. 'And it's not a compliment.'

'Oh hush', Alina twisted this way and that to see herself in the mirror. 'I have it on good authority that this is a foolproof plan to snag someone's attention.'

'Well, it will definitely help you to snag attention, you know, when you faint from the lack of air', Michelle snorted. 'Who has been giving you such terrible advice?'

'My Aunt Vasilisa', Alina replied. 'She said if I wanted to enchant a man, I just had to tighten my corset a little.'

'A little, she said Allie', Michelle moved to stand behind her and loosened her laces a little and adjusted her corset. 'There, I believe this is what she meant!'

'Ooooh', Alina exclaimed, checking the results in the mirror. 'You're a marvel, Michelle, this is perfect!'

Michelle grinned proudly, 'You know I've had to manage on my own after leaving Cambridgeshire. I've learned a trick or two.'

'But now you won't have to', Alina smiled happily. 'Niklaus told me Sarah is to be your ladies maid. I was positively devastated to lose Sarah, but I'm happy that she will be here with you.'

'And Frank too', Michelle added. 'We are to have our very own footman! And this way, Sarah and Frank will be together.'

'Very scandalous of you, Sarah', Alina teased. 'I heard you will be living in the same chamber.'

Sarah blushed crimson. 'There is only one servant quarter at Posy Cottage. It is not commonly done, but I don't see what else we can do, unless we live at the estate-'

'Don't worry, Sarah', Michelle giggled. 'She's just teasing you. And she might be jealous. She is certainly not going to be sharing anyone's chamber anytime soon.'

'Michelle', Alina gasped. 'You're stealing my personality. I believe it is my job to say scandalous things in this friendship!'

'What can I say?' Michelle shrugged. 'I learnt from the best.'

'You flatter me', Alina deadpanned. She turned to Sarah, 'Sarah, we have a request to make of you.'

Sarah nodded, her face filled with trepedition.

'You'll be married soon', Alina started. 'And that means that there'll be some new intimacies in your life.' Sarah flushed crimson again and nodded. 'We just wanted to ask if you would explain to us what happens between a husband and wife, without any personal details of course, but just the mechanics. What we can expect as women.'

Michelle added quickly - 'But you don't have to, if you don't want to.'

'But we'll pay you for your trouble. A full pound', Alina smiled wickedly.

'Are you crazy?' Michelle hissed, poking Alina in the ribs. 'Where are you getting a pound from?'

'I could tell you', Alina crooned. 'But then I'll have to kill you, Miss Harrington.' She turned to Sarah, 'Disregarding its provenance, it is yours if you share your insights into the marriage bed with us, Sarah.'

'I'll think about it', Sarah replied, quietly as Michelle cheered. Sarah bobbed a small curtsy to the girls and left their room.

'Why are you cheering?' Alina said crossly. 'I am doing this for the both of us.'

'But why do you need to know? Robert already told you, and you told me so we both already know everything there is to know, Michelle replied.

'Michelle, hasn't anybody told you that if you want to learn about something properly, you should read more than one person's explanation of it? Besides, Robert is a man, his experience is bound to be very different from a woman's.'

'Hmm', Michelle flopped onto the bed. 'That is true. Have you been up to anything nefarious in my absence?' She waggled her eyebrows, making her meaning clear.

'Actually', Alina blushed. 'I did kiss Jason. And there was some touching, you know, my neck and such. But he didn't, he didn't go below my waist.'

Michelle's eyebrows touched her hairline and she whistled. 'You've been upto quite a lot, my dear Allie.'

'Like you haven't done anything', Alina complained. 'Tommy Darlington still asks me about you whenever he sees me. God only knows what was in your kiss, the poor man is under a spell. He's waiting for your London season with bated breath.'

Michelle giggled. 'Actually, I have kissed Jason as well.'

'What?' Alina's eyes were as wide as saucers. 'When?'

'I'm two years older than you, Allie', Michelle said primly. 'There's a lot I have done that you don't know.'

'Don't tell me you have a lover', Alina grimaced. When Michelle didn't reply, Alina gasped. 'Are you mad, Michelle? You cannot do those things before marriage. You cannot lose your virtue!'

'I haven't lost my virtue, you ninny', Michelle said crossly, leaning up on her elbows to meet Alina's shocked gaze. 'I just have a suitor. He's been courting me through his letters.'

'And?'

'And what?'

'You have to give me more details than that, Michelle', Alina said crossly. 'I have so many questions - Who is he, what does he do, how did you meet, have you ever seen him in person, is he handsome, have you kissed, when do you plan to marry, how does he plan to support you-'

'I cannot tell you who he is', Michelle smiled slyly. 'It's a secret.' Before Alina could protest, she held up a hand to stop her. 'I'll have to discuss this with him first, we haven't told anyone about this except Nik. But I can tell you the other things, he's a soldier in his majesty's army. I have met him in person and he's very handsome. We have kissed but nothing more, and we plan to marry once he returns from the War.'

'So Niklaus knows and I don't?' Alina wasn't happy at the prospect. 'And you do know that the war can last years, how long do you plan to wait for this man? Are you engaged?'

'As long as it takes', Michelle answered seriously. 'He's going to be overseas a lot and he cannot take me with him, so he didn't want to marry me and leave me-'

'But you could have gotten engaged', Alina cried. 'It certainly sounds serious enough to warrant an engagement.'

'He wants me to be free to explore my prospects in London when I have my season', Michelle grimaced.

'So you have a suitor', Alina repeated. 'And you are not engaged to him, and he wants you to find someone else to marry?'

'It's not like that', Michelle replied. 'He thinks I deserve better than him, and that I shouldn't wait for him and find some other suitable man to marry.'

'Well', Alina said, her arms dropping to her sides. 'He's not wrong. He's unwilling to make any sort of commitment to you and yet you persist-'

'I love him', Michelle burst out. 'And I think you of all people would understand.'

'What do you mean?' Alina asked warily.

'Alina', Michelle sat up and held out her hands. 'Aren't you doing the same with Nik? I'm waiting for him to come back from the war, and you are waiting for Nik to love you in the same way that you love him.'

'I don't love him', Alina protested. 'I am very fond of him and I certainly wouldn't be averse to the possibility of something romantic between us but I'm not waiting around for him to love me.'

'I don't believe you', Michelle replied. 'But why do you like him so much? He is not romantic in the least. You have always liked the romantic sort of men.'

'Oh I beg to differ', Alina replied. 'Niklaus is very romantic. Alina counted off the points on her fingers - 'He saved me from drowning, he saved a cat that wasn't even mine just because I asked him to, he sneaked me biscuits when I was punished, he took me to a bookstore and bought me a beautiful book, he danced with me and kissed my hand. What do you call this if it's not romantic?'

'I think it's called friendship, Allie', Michelle said seriously. 'And if you remember, a lot of us helped save you from drowning, we helped with the cat and I masterminded that entire biscuit delivery operation. Half the things you said have been a team effort and not a grand gesture of love.'

'Michelle, are you determined to make my mood plummet to the depths of hell today?' Alina said crossly. 'And I like Niklaus, is it so wrong to want him to like me back?'

'No, it's not', Michelle said, approaching Alina and placing her hands on her shoulders. 'But I don't want you to place all your eggs in Nik's basket and not explore other opportunities that the Ton has to offer. Unless he states it explicitly, do not assume anything about his intentions.'

'I haven't', Alina replied. 'And I hardly think you are in a position to give me any advice, Mich. You're in quite a tangle yourself.'

'You're right', Michelle nodded. 'I want to wait for a man who asked me not to wait for him. And that's foolish in the extreme, so I haven't any right to scold you, but I cannot not ask you this.'

Michelle paused for a moment before she asked -'Allie, do you even like Niklaus? Or do you prefer him because he is familiar, and him choosing you will save you from the whole rigmarole of the London season and marriage mart which I know you dread and detest?'

'I..I', Alina spluttered. 'I don't know what you want me to say….I think I should go.'

Forgetting that it was her chamber and Michelle was the guest, she ran from the room, down the hall, through corridors until she reached her favourite place in Niklaus' home. The library. It was a large room with huge windows sunlight streamed through. The wall opposite the windows was covered with a mural of a beautiful forest with a river running through it. The artist had cleverly included the fireplace in the mural by painting the inside of a house around it. Alina loved the mural. It was so different from anything she had ever seen. The walls adjacent to the windows were covered with floor to ceiling bookshelves that were filled with gorgeous leather bound volumes.

Alina trailed her fingers across the spines of the books, stopping when she came across a shelf with books hugely popular with women. There was Evelina, Cecilia and volumes upon volumes of books that were purported to be written by women. What were these doing here?

'They make for extremely intriguing reads', came a voice from behind her and Alina jumped a little, startled.

'It's only me', Niklaus smiled at her as he moved to stand beside her. She curtsied, murmuring a quiet 'Lord Wentworth' and he bowed in return, greeting her with an equally soft 'Lady Alina.'

They smiled at each other in understanding. With Alina's upcoming presentation at Court by the end of the year, they both had to get used to maintaining the formalities of address and behaviour.

'Why do you have these books here?' Alina said. 'They're not typically popular amongst gentlemen.'

'I grew rather tired of reading about the male perspective', Niklaus replied. 'I think in the male persepctive, so reading about it got tedious after a while. It is interesting to read about things from a woman's point of view. What she thinks, why she does what she does.'

'That a commendable thought', Alina smiled. 'It does a great deal to recommend you to women.'

'To which women, I might ask', Niklaus laughed bitterly. 'I've been here at home for the past year, without much opportunity to impress any ladies with my commendable knowledge of the books they like.'

'Why cannot you leave?' Alina asked curiously. 'Surely, your man of business can manage the estate in your absence. And your father can guide him a little, if possible.'

'My Father is too sick to take good decisions', Niklaus sighed. 'And I've let go of my man of business, he was by far the most incompetent fellow I've ever met. I'm searching for a new one, since I'll need to be in London once the season begins.'

'Robert can help you find one', Alina offered, quickly. 'He's been helping Father quite a lot with the estate this past year.'

'Yes, I've asked for his help', Niklaus replied. 'He's helping me narrow down the applicants. There have been a lot of applicants. I need to choose the ones I think are suitable and make arrangements for them to come down for interviews as soon as possible.'

'Why the hurry?'

'I'll need some time to train him in the matters of the estate too', Niklaus said, running a hand down his face tiredly. 'Do you mind if we sit, Allie? I've had a long and tiring day and my feet hurt like the devil, I beg your pardon.'

Alina shook her head and they both sat down on matching armchairs in front of the fireplace. Alina waited for Niklaus to speak.

'I need to be in London in December for Michelle's presentation', Niklaus said tiredly. 'So he needs to be able to manage the estate by himself by then.'

'Oh, we can help you', Alina replied. 'My mother would surely agree to sponsor Michelle's season, she will be coming out at the same time as me-'

'I have already talked to your mother', Niklaus admitted sheepishly. 'I'll sponsor her season but they'll be living with you at Fitzwilliam House. Lord Canterbury, the cad, has refused to let them stay at the Canterbury House in London and Lady Canterbury doesn't want to stay with me. She's worried about unsavoury gossip.'

'Does Michelle know?' Alina asked. 'Yes, she is aware of the arrangement', Niklaus answered.

'She should have told me', Alina complained. Though they hadn't had much opportunity to discuss their upcoming London season given that Alina had only arrived the previous day and they had loads of gossip to catch up on, Alina thought that Michelle would have prioritised sharing this particular gold nugget of information.

'I think she hoped that Lady Milton would have told you', Niklaus said cautiously. 'Lady Milton wouldn't appreciate anyone else telling you about it, I'm sure.'

'So everyone knows except me', Alina grumbled. 'And you told me!'

'You know I have a hard time keeping anything from you', Niklaus smiled. 'You make that pitiful, entreating face and suddenly I'm babbling everything.'

'So you admit that I have some sort of power over you', Alina crowed.

Niklaus laughed. 'I've always had a hard time saying no to you.'

'Yes, you have', Alina reached out to squeeze his hand. 'You've been awfully kind to Sarah. Thank you for finding a respectable position for her here and offering to host us here for the wedding.'

'What do you mean, a respectable position?' Niklaus said seriously, a frown marring his face.

'I only meant that initially when you told her that she would be a ladies' maid here, with no women in the household, I thought it would be for Lady Susan', Alina said, looking steadily into Niklaus' eyes to gauge his reaction. 'Since she is a frequent guest here. And you know as well as I, that that would not have been a respectable position.'

'Alina, you overstep', Niklaus said, pulling his hand away. 'It is not your business to speculate about Lady Susan's comings and goings or her character.'

'It's not speculation if it's fact, Niklaus', Alina cried. 'Do you deny that she is your mistress?'

'Alina', Niklaus thundered, leaping up from his chair. 'I know we have been very informal with each other, but this is not appropriate conversation for polite company. You are about to presented at Court, you should have enough sense to not speak about such things with a man! It could ruin you in a second. And Lady Susan is my cousin, my good friend, I refuse to hear her disrespected so.'

'You always choose her', Alina cried. 'Whenever it's a choice between her and me, you always choose her. Tell me the truth, Niklaus. Will you ever be able to choose me over her or will I always be second fiddle to the oh-so-great Lady Susan?'

'What are you saying?' Niklaus said exasperatedly. 'I don't know what you want from me.'

'Don't you?' Alina's eyes filled with tears. 'Don't insult me by pretending you don't know. I haven't said anything because I know I'm too young for you. I thought that once I was out in society for a couple of years, you would see me differently. But if you are going to break my heart later, I'd rather you break it now.'

'Allie', Niklaus sighed. Alina held up a hand to stop him.

'Tell me, Nik', she said, valiantly trying to keep the tears from choking her voice. 'Will you ever be able to choose me over her? Or is it always going to be her?'

Niklaus said nothing, only watched her with a crestfallen expression on his face.

'It's alright', Alina said, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. 'I have my answer. Thank you for being honest with me.'

'Allie', Niklaus reached out for her arm but she walked backwards, out of his reach. 'I don't want to lose you again. You're one of my dearest friends and I want, no, need you in my life.'

'We don't always get what we want, Nik', Alina replied hoarsely, wiping her tears as they fell. Why wouldn't they stop?!

Niklaus stepped closer to her, backing her into the fireplace until she had nowhere to go. He gently cradled her face in his hands, wiping her cheeks with his thumbs, his own eyes getting wet.

'I'm sorry I hurt you', he said softly. 'But don't punish me for something I cannot control. Don't be so cruel.'

'Don't you think it's cruel to expect me to watch you with her? Flirting with other ladies when you come to London?' Alina gave in to her sobs, her body trembling with the force of them. 'I'll never stop loving you if we remain friends. You'll smile, you'll do something kind for me and I'll be back where I started in a second. If you cannot love me, let me go!' She pulled at his hands that held her face, yanking them away from her skin.

Tears ran down Niklaus cheeks as he looked at her. She had collapsed against the mantle, her face hidden in her hands as she sobbed.

'I'm sorry', he said again. 'I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen.' He stepped closer to her again, and drew her into his chest. She buried her face in his waistcoat, her tears dampening the fabric. He stroked her back gently, muttering 'I'm sorry' repeatedly into her hair.

Alina didn't know how long they stayed like this but when she finally pulled back to look at him, his eyes and nose were red. He had been crying too, the silly goose.

'Nik', she said quietly. 'There's something I need to ask you.'

'Anything', he promised, his voice hoarse too.

'Can I kiss your forehead?' Alina smiled at him sadly. 'I've always wanted to. Whenever you seemed worried or had that little crease between your eyebrows, I wanted to ruffle your hair and kiss your forehead. Please let me have this. Just once.' Her lips trembled as she looked at him, a tear running down her cheek.

Nik looked at her, her heart breaking in her eyes and nodded. Alina raised her hands to cradle his face, she stroked his cheeks and smiled at him, tears running down her face. He bent a little and she rose on her tiptoes to reach his forehead. The moment her lips touched his forehead, his eyes closed, tears escaping.

'I love you so much, Nik', she murmured into his skin. 'I love you with all my heart. And I've always loved you. It's always been you for me.'

Niklaus could feel her tears falling into his hair. His heart squeezed in his chest. Before he could say anything, Alina had pulled back.

'Thank you, Nik' she said. 'I'm sorry for ruining our friendship. I hope you'll forgive me one day.'

She gave him one last smile before leaving the room and Niklaus collapsed into a chair, his head in his hands. He was not blind, and she had always had her heart in her eyes. But he had hoped that it was a youthful infatuation, a childish crush that would go away with time. He had never expected her to confront him with her feelings and demand a response. He hadn't expected to lose her friendship over said response. He had only just got her back after a year's silence. And now, he had lost her again. Lost one of his favourite people in the world. One of his best friends. One of the few people he loved. Just not in the way she wanted him to. Niklaus rose to his feet slowly and dragged his feet to the door, his world forever changed.

A/N : I have cried my eyes out while writing this chapter. When you fall for a friend and then don't like you back, sometimes it ruins the friendship as well. I hope Allie and Nik can find their way back to some semblance of a friendship after this.

With this chapter and the next, we will officially be done with the 2/3rds of the story. I'm so excited for what's to come next! Thank you for being on this journey with me :) Please do leave a review of your thoughts, it means the world to me.