Splatoon: The Brothers and the Others

Ocean Portals and Miserable Man

Last time on The Brothers and the Others:

"We gotta go," Mari said, pulling Splin by the arm.

Splin flinched. "Ow! That's my bullet arm!"

"Alright, get in!" Mari told him, gesturing to Ari's dinghy.

"I have a lot of reservations about this," Splin thought aloud, "Especially considering I'll just die instantly if this capsizes. I'm pretty sure."

Mari pushed the dinghy in the water then jumped in, making a splash. She kicked fast enough to act like a motor.

"Oh, you don't die instantly," Splin remarked.

"I know how to fight thanks to training and fighting games," Mari explained while paddling at the speed of sound.

"What the hell is a Street Fighter III?" Splin asked, "Are you talking about Splat Fighter?"

"No, that sounds really dumb."

The sky burst open and down flew Lalai, bringing the Cell Games Arena with her.

"Hey gamers, any of you play Gmod?" Lalai asked, setting the arena up in the ocean.

"The HELL'S a Gmod?" Splin yelled at her.

"Don't you mean 'the SHELL'S a Gmod'? Isn't that how it works where you're from?" Lalai questioned, frowning.

"No," Mari said, crushing Lalai's head.

Splin just watched in horror, utterly lost for words as Mari pounded her fists into what remained. She finally stopped after Lalai was nothing but a puddle, glaring at Splin.

"Two more left."

This time on the Brothers and the Others:

The boat ride out of the arena was morose. Gray skies, gray clouds, and a gray sea were the only thing that could be seen for miles. The water itself was still aside from the ripples caused from Mari's kicking, like a giant pond.

Splin sat in the boat, looking down at the floor. They had extricated a sizable pile of guns from the arena Lalai left behind and stockpiled them in the center. Splin was inspecting a revolver, lamely spinning the gun and carelessly running his fingers over the tip of the muzzle. Eventually, he just sighed and placed the gun back in the pile.

"You might want to aim that in the other direction, Splin."

Splin glanced over the stern. Mari was paddling away, kicking to propel the boat forward. Apparently, the victory over Lalai really put a spring in her step. The dinghy tore through the water, leaving behind a long white wake trail in the otherwise lifeless ocean.

Behind them laid the hills that Mari called home, already shrinking to a grayish-green blot in the distance. The arena that Lalai had dropped in the water to fight Mari on had already become a spec on the horizon as well. The incredible speed and strength Mari had used to destroy the gun-toting pink-haired Inkling lingered in his mind. Splin couldn't shake a sinking feeling he had in his gut.

Splin turned the revolver, pointing it to the bow of the dinghy away from the two of them. "Right."

"What's wrong? You look…off," Mari commented between kicks.

"I watched someone who looked like someone I know die," Splin told her, resting his chin on his knees as he sat. "You smashed her face in."

Mari frowned. The way he said that made it seem like that was the norm for this universe. "Yeah…look, Splin, I don't know how it is for you, but you have to understand that you're sitting in a dead man's universe. Everyone that you think you knew here is either gone or too far gone to be considered a friend."

She got a glare from Splin. "Except for me."

Mari just sighed. "You're not a threat."

"Uh huh," Splin said, folding his arms, "That makes me feel safe."

"Hey, I don't know what I was like in your universe. I'm just glad you're not like my Splin. You're well-adjusted and you don't like slaughtering people, and that's good enough for me."

Splin frowned, leaning on the side of the dinghy. "That's something I don't think we've talked about, Mari. I don't know anyone like you where I'm from."

Mari continued kicking, raising her head slightly higher from the water with an eyebrow raised. "You don't?"

Splin turned around to face her. "Yeah. You said something about us being 'brother and sister', right? From where I come from, I don't have a sister. Just Sharq."

"Did you lose your parents too?" Mari asked, paddling along.

Splin paused. He blinked once or twice in surprise, with Mari stopping in the middle of the ocean with a grimace on her face.

"Oh. Sorry, that came off bad," Mari admitted, "I mean…Splin and Sharq here don't have any. They lost them before they found me."

"No, it's fine." Splin shook his head. "I mean, it's not like they're 'dead'. They're just…gone."

Mari jumped up on the boat, shaking water off herself. The dinghy shook, Splin instinctively gripping the side to try and keep dry. "It was just you and Sharq, both totally alone? How have you survived this long?"

Somehow, despite the situation, the incredulousness of that question got Splin to crack a small smile. "Hey, we were smart kids."

Splin stopped for a moment. "At least, I like to think we were. We were taught enough about self-reliance and given enough money to keep living day-to-day. That, and doing Turf Wars gives you cash whether you win or lose."

"Sure, but what if you ran out?" Mari asked.

Splin sighed. "The money dad left was a LOT. Sharq would also do side jobs."

Mari hummed in acknowledgement, sitting down in the dinghy in a seat across from Splin. "You know, you've been probing me for answers about my life. I don't think I've asked you much about yours."

"You're making it sound like it's heaven over there," Splin remarked.

It was Mari's turn to glare. Standing up, rocking the boat again, she raised her arms out and gestured to the vast expanse of nothingness plus an endless stretch of water that surrounded the two of them in their little boat. She pursed her lips and tilted her head, putting both hands on her side. She looked to the left, then to the right.

Nothing but gray sky, clouds, and water.

"Wanna take a guess why?" Mari asked rhetorically.

"…Right." Splin rubbed the back of his head. "That was dumb of me, sorry."

"Never mind this," Mari said, gesturing out to the great emptiness again, "Could you tell me about yourself?" Mari asked, sitting back down, "About you and your Sharq. The world you live in, the people you know, the places you've been. I just…really want to know that there's a place out there that's not as wrecked as here."

Splin blew air out of his mouth, nodding his head to the side. "Where would I begin?"

"What's your FIRST memory?" Mari suggested.

Splin blinked, furrowing his brow. "Like…since I was born? I don't think I could."

Mari's expression flattened. "No, no. I worded it wrong." She hummed in thought. "I mean…what about something notable that happened? Anything at all. Doesn't have to be your first memory."

Splin frowned at this. That was still a tough one to answer. A whole menagerie of memories came to mind when Splin thought of home. He could mention Xarius and the fact that his uncle is a pirate. Honestly, he needed to call him and actually talk to him. So many unanswered questions.

There was the time with the giant robot. Well, there were a few of those, and Tai would probably know more about that. The Tele-Cube and…everything involving it happening to them was pretty strange. Of course, Splin didn't really know where to start with that. He still didn't really know much about it other than what the voice in his head said. If anything, maybe he should've consulted a therapist for answers to that.

So many choices…but none of them sprang to mind. While it wasn't a requirement, Splin kept thinking back to the first memory. What's an early memory that he could use as a tone setter?

Splin hopped up in his seat. "The waterpark!"

Mari leaned in curiously. "Yeah, what does that mean?"

Splin nodded. "Sharq wanted to show me something he found one day. I didn't really get to talk to him about it, but he was really excited about it, and I couldn't say no. So I follow him down to Inkopolis, when all of a sudden he stops in front of an old, rickety, abandoned waterpark full of broken-down waterslides."

Mari nodded. "Uh huh, as you do."

"The weirdest part is that a perfectly fine waterpark was literally just across the street," Splin commented, thinking for a moment, "It was a really weird location. Not even owned by the same company I think."

Mari's response was to nod faster. She had an earnest look in her eyes, like she was waiting excitedly for what was next. Or maybe she was impatient. Splin frowned. Maybe he wasn't as good at storytelling as he thought. "Sharq then got on one of the slides and almost fell in an old pool of actual, 'would-splat-us' water, but then I saved him."

Mari was in awe. "That's cool."

"Is it?" Splin crossed his arms. "It wasn't anything crazy, just looking out for him. Realistically, that was stupid and either of us could've died. We were practically still kids at the time. I think we were fourteen and fifteen."

"Well, you're here now," Mari commented, leaning back in her seat, "Guess you had your work cut out for you."

Splin smiled slightly. "I guess in retrospect, yeah, he was a bit of a handful. But it's not like I was the one mothering him or anything; we took care of each other."

"It makes me feel bad though," Mari admitted, staring at the dinghy's floor, "If I'd known you had come from such a soft universe, I wouldn't have pressured you so hard into doing this. Even if it is the only thing left… I'm sorry."

Splin looked at Mari. "Well…the whole, 'killing alternate people I know permanently' thing is…harrowing. But I don't know if I have much of a choice, but uh…that's…"

He trailed off into silence. Splin started thinking about the ramifications of Mari's actions. They are evil anyway, right? Everyone else is dead. Sharq, Ari, Tai… All of his friends and family here, gone. It's not like Mari isn't warranted.

He then frowned. "Wait, 'soft'? Hold on, that was just the earliest crazy event I could remember! My universe isn't 'soft', c'mon."

Mari hummed, leaning forward in her seat. "It's a waterpark, Splin, look around. Compared to this?."

"Dude, there were way bigger issues. So, there was this block, right? It lights up-"

Time seemed to get away from them. Despite sitting in a cramped boat for what may have been hours, Mari was engrossed in the stories Splin had to tell. Some bizarre, some stupid, and some completely nonsensical, but Mari felt as though she was understanding Splin better as he regaled her with his life story. Her worries felt distant in a sense, absorbing each tale he told eagerly.

For Splin, on the other hand, it was starting to get a little hard to keep up with her.

"Why did Inkopolis Plaza get wrecked again?" Mari asked.

Splin scratched the back of his head. "I THINK that there was some sort of huge, world-ending battle there at one point? From another universe? We never really figured that out."

Mari frowned. "Why did Tai and Chi get off scot-free for nearly committing acts of terror?"

Splin scowled. "I mean…I don't think anyone really wanted to actually do that to Hammerhead Bridge. At least…not until we found Tai in the box? And hey, it never happened, so it was fine?"

Mari shook her head, scowling. "Your Ari sounds like a complete tool."

Splin crossed his arms. "Yeah. He's not all that bad anymore. But yeah."

"And this Maria lady, and Rem and Ix, that sounds-" Mari started.

"I think I've overshared enough about myself for one day," Splin admitted, looking to Mari, "What about you? We've talked a little bit about…everything that's happened, but I feel like I still don't know much about you, Mari. You or this world. I'm just along for the ride in something that seems bigger than me."

"I asked you because I wanted to hear about your life!" Mari stared at Splin for a while. Finally, she sighed, "Fine, it's only fair."

Mari pat the seat across from her. Splin blinked, realizing he started to stand up at some point. He quickly scurried back to his seat.

"I'll tell you how I met you and Sharq. Or uh."

One day, there were two brothers. Splin(1) and Sharq(1).

"Well," Mari paused, "Technically just 'Splin' and 'Sharq' to me, but bear with me."

"Yeah, no I got that."

The two brothers were hanging out by their house on the hills. Apparently, it was a balmy summer day, and neither of them really had much better to do than sit around in the heat with a couple of drinks and a mind to talk. What they were talking about is up in the air, but I do know that it was more of a distraction from the summer weather that was plaguing them. Living in a house disconnected from any visible grid with no apparent AC unit or fans was hellish enough, and the fact that they lived on a bunch of hills with nothing but flat dirt for miles just meant that they were stuck.

So there they were, sitting. Drinking. Talking. What else do boys do when they're alone with nothing but their thoughts? Eventually the drinks they were chugging and sipping on ran out, and I guess the topic well ran dry. Nothing else to do but languish in the heat, one of the brothers had an idea.

"I think I'm gonna take a walk," Sharq(1) decided, turning to Splin(1).

Splin(1) stretched back in the grass. "Sure dude, knock yourself out. Maybe you'll find an ice cream truck somewhere over there."

Sharq(1) just scoffed. "What do you want?"

"Chocolate with strawberries with a load of peanut butter cups," Splin(1) answered with a smile, "If they don't have that, just vanilla's cool too."

"Whatever pleases your fancies, Master Bate." Sharq(1) bowed mockingly.

"…What?"

"'Master Bate', like a butler would say," Mari explained.

"Did you know he said that exactly?" Splin asked with a frown.

Mari nodded sagely. "Absolutely."

"You know our last name is like 'fish bait', right? Not like…"

Anyways, Splin(1) sneered back at his older brother and went back to stare up at the sky. Sharq(1) chuckled to himself, walking down the hill. Already the lack of anything to drink was beginning to wear Sharq(1) down, sweat pouring down his forehead and down his neck. The cap he wore atop his head didn't help much, only serving to make his tentacle hair feel itchy somehow.

Despite that, Sharq(1) just hummed a tune to himself as he made his way down into the flatter, grassy plains at the bottom of the hill. He looked out across the land, taking in the brilliant blue sky and the stretches of green mounds and grass that seemed to roll on for miles. Grass danced in the breeze as Sharq(1) made his way through it. The bugs in the brush would pop up and jump away as Sharq(1)'s sneakers trudged past.

It must've been one hell of a shock, then, to walk around without a care in the world and come across a girl stranded in the field. At first, she almost blended in with the grass, her tentacle hair being a hearty green. Or, at least, it would have if it weren't for the black and luminescent blue Agent gear that the girl had covering her head-to-toe.

"You were an agent?" Splin interrupted.

"Yeah, is that a thing in your world too?"

"It is…for some weird reason."

"Okay now shut up I'm telling a story."

Sharq(1) picked the girl up immediately. She had no large, visible injuries, but she didn't react to him picking her up either. The girl was either deep in slumber or worse. Without a second thought, Sharq(1) turned around and sped up the hill.

"Splin! SPLIN!" Sharq(1) screamed from down the hill.

"Sheesh. What, is the ice cream truck having a sale- What the hell!"

Here came Sharq(1), still sweaty and carrying a random girl bridal-style toward Splin(1) at an incredible speed. At this point, Splin(1) and (1) are both freaking out, and they never really went into detail on what was said specifically, but eventually they settled on putting that girl in a bed in the house. They called some friends, they got some water and ice and bandages, anything that they thought would help…

"And after a little, I came to," Mari explained, leaning back in the dinghy, "They explained what I just told you to me, and that was that. I was here. I got to live her life with two new brothers. Everything was SO…perfect." She looked down at the bottom of the dinghy, a forlorn look in her eyes. "For a while."

"Ah…"

Splin closed his mouth. He was suddenly hyperaware of himself, at least regarding how he must appear to Mari. He was like a stand-in for her Splin. Although, truth be told, Splin felt sheepish at the thought of being a brother in trio of siblings. Things were certainly different here, no doubt about it. Despite the similarities between him and this so-called Splin(1) he felt like he was hearing about a completely different person at the same time. He was the image of some dude who she grew close enough to consider family, the image of a caring older brother. Maybe this is what Sharq felt like.

The similarities to people he knew didn't evade him either. The green hair and the name sharing four letters was obvious enough, but with what she'd told him before, Splin was certain that he was sitting across a distraught, clearly tired alternate version of Maria. The woman who so long ago got stuck with him and his brother in his own universe.

"So…when you asked about Maria…" Splin murmured, looking over Mari.

"You think that she and I are…" Mari began, looking at him expectantly.

Splin frowned. "You do have the same color hair…but I mean, she was more like a friend who acted like a mom. You don't really look like 'mom-material'."

Mari sneered at him, leaning back. "Yeah?"

"You know what I mean, you're like…younger than I am."

Splin gestured to her. Sitting across from him, Splin thought about how Maria dwarfed Mari in stature and height. Splin's eyes darted back. He frowned, remembering how tall Maria and her kids were. Maybe different people from different universes and dimensions just had freakish standards for height.

Mari gave him a look, leaning on the side of the boat. "And I don't plan on having kids, by the way."

"Right, because of the whole 'end of the world' thing," Splin said, glancing at the endless ocean.

"No, I haven't found the right guy and the economy's terrible." Mari grinned at him, managing to get Splin to laugh.

Splin concluded that this universe or dimension was absolutely wrecked. If anything, it is a miracle Mari's the way she is now. She's so…average. It was almost miraculous.

More questions began to pop up in Splin's head, but despite the gnawing desire to truly get to the bottom of all of this, he shelved them in the back of his brain. Something told him that trying to play detective in a world where almost all the people he knew were either dead or dealing death shouldn't be the main go-to.

…But he was really curious.

"If it's okay, could you tell me more about your life before all this happened?" Splin blurted out, immediately going against his inner thoughts.

Mari frowned. "Like I just did?"

"More of it?" Splin asked.

"…I don't think that's appropriate right now." Mari turned to the bow of the boat and stared straight ahead stoically.

Guess that's that, Splin turned with her. "Oh, right. Sorry, I understand it must be a lot to ask-"

"I meant that we should be focused on the fight that's ahead."

Splin cocked an eyebrow. Mari pointed behind him. Facing the front, Splin's eyes widened at the sights surrounding them. The endless ocean had finally subsided. Standing in front of them was a dry patch of land and a collection of broken buildings littering it. Collapsed parking garages and towers with shattered windowpanes sprouted out of the soaked asphalt, all hollow and lifeless. A single black road stretched into a desolate city surrounded by nothing but more debris.

The end of the world had hit this place hard. Splin was speechless, taking in the vast swathes of broken buildings.

Mari got up, handing Splin a pistol from Lalai's collection. "Welcome back to Inkopolis, Splin. When we're done here, we can talk more."

At least now he had another reference point for how dire it was.

Mari jumped up off the boat. Splin followed, slowly departing from the dinghy. Getting to shore taking care not to faceplant into the water and kill himself, he walked to the road side-by-side with Mari only to stop again as soon as he reached dry land.

Try as he might, Splin couldn't recognize anything "Inkopolis" about this city. Any defining colors and characteristics that made the city stand out were gone, replaced with a drained, dead grayness. No billboard or sign had any discernible advertisement standing. Several letters on stores were either missing or faded. If this is truly Inkopolis, it was incredible how thoroughly the city's identity was wiped out. Whatever force-of-nature that swept through here wanted to make sure nothing but "city ruins" remained.

Despite the oppressive air of this "nothing city", Mari carried on unabated, surveying the landscape. Splin continued to follow reluctantly. He gripped the pistol Mari gave him with both hands with no idea what to expect. Part of him expected a band of raiders to break out of a nearby building and attack.

Instead, for the next few minutes, it was just more silence.

"What are we doing now?" Splin asked, half-dreading the answer.

"Lalai's gone, so that leaves Prothe and Splin(1) to deal with."

Splin scowled, glancing to his sides. "So, what? Do they have a base in the city we're storming into?"

Mari shrugged. "There's nowhere else to go. The world's flooded, and this is the only other place they'd be anyway."

Splin frowned. "Uh huh."

"It's a longshot, I know, but there's not much else we can do," Mari stated, trudging on, "We'll march on until we find Prothe and Splin(1), bash their heads in, then we'll…"

Mari trailed off, like she herself was trying to figure out what she was thinking. Splin felt a familiar sinking feeling come around while she stayed quiet. If they managed to beat these strange, alternate versions of that one dude he knew and himself, then what? Could he get home after that?

"Mari, quick question," Splin said, hopping over the hood of a wrecked car, "You know how I talked about this Tele-Cube earlier? When I was telling you about…well, just about everything?"

"Yeah."

"Do you happen to have one here?" Splin asked, "It's important to getting home."

Mari turned to face Splin, shaking her head. "We don't."

"Oh." Splin froze in place. His sinking feeling started to weigh in his gut. "No, huh."

…Wait.

"It's okay," Mari reassured him with a nod, "Splin(1) has powers that can help. If I beat him into submission, I can force him to send you back."

That didn't reassure him. Force him. Like the other Splin was the only way out.

"That's your plan?" Splin shouted, perhaps louder than he intended. If there were raiders, they'd know where they were.

Mari sighed. "Listen, we've gotten this far already, right? We'll be fine. You helped me, so I'll help you.

"Mari, I need to get home. I can't stay here," Splin interrupted, stepping towards her, "I'm not made for this! I can still barely believe you fought Lalai without dying!"

"Splin-"

"Like, this is insane! Why is any of this happening to you in the first place? Why does Splin(1) have powers beyond mortal comprehension? Do you KNOW what he's capable of? I don't know if either of us will be okay after this, but you especially!" Splin blurted out. "What is the plan?"

Mari glared at Splin. Splin realized he just vented his frustrations on a girl who could probably turn his insides out. And for a good moment, Splin saw something glint in her eyes. Maybe she would. Splin backed away, and Mari's glare only became darker as he did so.

"I really messed up," Splin thought.

He felt himself bump into something. Splin shivered, great look getting jumpscared by a lamppost. Splin glanced up, then back at Mari, stopping again. Mari's glare was intense, but it wasn't for him. It was only getting angrier. Splin turned around to look at the lanky, terrifying face of a GameShark employee.

Rather, THE GameShark employee. The one and only GameShark employee that Splin met that one time, towering over him.

"Hey," Prothe greeted them, brandishing a knife, "You never explained what's happening to him?"

He pointed a long, dried out finger at Splin, but his gaze was directed down the street at Mari. Prothe was wearing a tattered brown cloak that covered most of his body and the arm he pointed with, though with what little of him poked out you could tell he looked thin and frail. He looked like he could be pushed over and shattered into glass pieces. Splin, closer to the knife, didn't try to push him.

"What's up with the clothes, Prothe?" Mari asked, raising her fists, "I wanted to see what my fists would look like lodged in that armor set you flaunted a few weeks ago."

"Weeks?" Splin thought to himself. How long ago has Mari been dealing with this?

"Eh, Splin and I did some back-and-forth and realized that the whole crusader get-up wasn't me. I thought I looked stellar," Prothe stated matter-of-factly, then grinned, "Or is it 'Splin(1)' now, thanks to our guest here?"

"What happened to YOU?" Splin asked, squinting at him.

Prothe frowned, leaning on an actual streetlight next to him. As he leaned, a glass bulb dropped from overhead, shattering next to his shoes. "Why? What do I look like to you?"

Splin glanced at Mari, then back to Prothe, trying to back away. "Slightly more tired than the Prothe I know."

Prothe opened his mouth as if to say something in response, but then just frowned again. He twirled the knife in his hands. "Uh…so then your Prothe is…"

"He's still working at the GameShark as far as I remember," Splin remarked.

"Then there ARE versions of me that are still worse off, hm. Fantastic." Prothe looked up at the sky. "That's a horrifying thought."

Mari walked forward. Her focus was entirely on Prothe. Splin's finger curled next to the trigger of his gun. Shooting him now seemed like a fair option.

"Maybe once Splin(1)'s done with this smoking crater of a world, we can go to yours and actually improve something. LIKE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO, BY THE WAY?" Prothe shouted louder than before.

If there was supposed to be a response, nothing answered Prothe in turn. The skinny, raggedy Inkling leaned back on the streetlight, glaring down the street. Mari shuffled closer with her fists raised while Splin stared down the street, brows furrowed in confusion. What did that mean?

Prothe just rolled his eyes, flipping the knife up and down in his hand. It was a simple kitchen knife, a clean, plain one at that. Far cry from Lalai's arsenal of guns. As Splin stared down the direction Prothe had yelled, Prothe tossed the knife in the air and caught it in his other hand, mimicking Mari's shuffling. He grinned like he had just heard a joke.

"Oh, wait. Shoot," Prothe muttered, looking down at the hand he had just sliced open.

Prothe had caught the knife by the blade. The knife had cut open his fingers, with blackish-green blood pouring now oozing from the injury in his digits. Splin blinked in confusion. Mari scoffed, dashing in to punch.

"Listen…" Prothe sighed, dropping the knife and raising his bloody hand. "It's harder when you don't have any practice."

The dark blood dripping from his hand coalesced into a circle. Mari's eyes widened as the blood formed a hole. She narrowly sidestepped out of the way as a flash of silver fired past her, clattering against the broken sidewalk. The knife that Prothe had dropped just shot out from the hole he had made.

"Splin!"

Splin backed up, firing a shot instinctively. The bullet whizzed past Prothe, who just looked down at Splin. Mari scowled as Prothe walked back toward the streetlight, leaning casually back on the metal pole again. "I didn't get time to practice. Circus performers don't swallow swords perfectly on their first try either. Don't be so condescending."

Splin blinked, staring at the blood collecting in the air. "Blood portals? First Lalai and her guns, now this?"

"No, no, see-" Prothe cursed under his breath, jamming his hands in his pants pockets. "It's just regular portals, I just happened to cut myself."

Mari didn't care for the explanation and dashed for Prothe again, fists raised. Before she could get close at all, she was intercepted by a punch knocking her to the side. She spun around from the force of the punch, gritting her teeth in annoyance. There was blood on her face, blackish-green blood.

Prothe hissed, taking his right hand out of his pocket and shaking it slightly. "Ow. Should just stick to the weapons."

Mari's eyes widened. She scanned the area with her eyes intently, raising her arms up to defend.

"And I'm not going to go easy on you like Lalai did, either."

Mari snapped her head to the side as an arm lashed out, knife nearly plunging into the back of her head. She grabbed for it, only for the arm to retreat quickly. The knife reappeared below her chest, slicing at her arms and cutting into her. Mari sucked in air, dashing back, only for Prothe's arm to stab at her shoulder and disappear into a portal again.

Mari's eyes darted from side-to-side as she attempted to dodge. She raised her hand to parry the knife, then swiftly spun to the side, barely avoiding another slice. She ducked, switching into a green squid, then returned back to her humanoid form to kick the knife out of the air as it plunged down on her. Before she could do anything, the knife hit the sidewalk and fell into another portal, falling back into Prothe's clutches.

Splin watched in confusion, aiming at basically nothing. He was fast. Apparently, faster and harder to predict than Lalai's bullets.

"See, I got no quarrel with Lalai, but her problem was that she screwed around and got nothing done," Prothe clicked his tongue, tossing the knife to his other hand, "It's not like she couldn't hit a broadside of a barn, but she'd raze the entire country before the barn itself was completely destroyed. Take away her Agent 3 privileges and she's a fighting junkie with nothing to fight."

Prothe threw the knife at Mari's face, Mari narrowly dodging the weapon. He reached for the knife through another portal, Mari quickly running in to break his arm. Another portal opened up beneath her feet, causing her to trip and fall on her face.

Splin and Prothe locked eyes with one another as he ran in, knife raised to stab.

"It's pretty simple; if you're still around, that leaves someone for Lalai to fight. If she killed you, then what's the point?"

Splin instinctively raised his arms to protect his body. Prothe stabbed, narrowly slicing Splin's arms as he fell. Splin backed away, running to the side while Prothe looked behind him, with Mari grabbing his legs.

"Must be getting predictable," Prothe mused, looking up at the sky.

Prothe kicked at her face, slipping into another portal as she flinched. Mari growled, yelling "You gonna shut up and fight? Splin! Don't just stand there, shoot!"

Splin shook his head quickly, snapping out of his doldrums. Raising the pistol, he pointed the trigger and pulled instinctively. A shot rang out, and a bullet smashed into the ground near where Mari was standing. She gave Splin an incredulous glare as he fumbled with the gun.

"Sorry! I'm used to regular guns!" Splin shouted across the street.

"That is a regular gun!"

"Semantics! It isn't to me!" Splin clarified, glowering at the pistol.

As he was busy fidgeting, Prothe casually stepped out from behind Splin and sliced his arm. Splin hissed, dropping to the floor and rolling to the side, aiming the gun up at where Prothe once was and firing again. He caught a glimpse of Prothe's smirk as he backed up into a portal unscathed.

Splin cursed, aiming at the ground to coat it in ink. He stopped, staring at the gun. Splin felt stupid. Of course he wouldn't be able to ink anything with lead. Splin then stared at his right arm, gash bleeding. He laid it on the ground, letting it stain the pavement until his blue blood pooled enough to create a puddle. Splin dipped his arm in, feeling the pain subside as his injury healed.

"Cod, there's no way this is how it actually works." Splin thought to himself.

Suddenly, Prothe reappeared above him. Before Splin could move out of the way, he landed on top of Splin, trampling his arm and chest. Splin gasped, choking as he could feel the wind knocked out of him.

Prothe smirked, lowering the knife to his neck. "Resourceful. That's Splin for ya. But like I was saying, I'm not so bored to tears that I'd let you live."

Mari screamed a battle cry, running in with her fists raised. With his gaze still firmly on Splin, Prothe casually created a portal beneath Mari's feet, tripping her. Splin glanced to his side, with the gun sticking out of the puddle of his blood. The weight of Prothe's shoes pressing down on him made it impossible to grab the pistol.

"I'm curious," Prothe muttered, leaning down to Splin's face, "If I kill you, does that cause a butterfly effect? Does my Splin cease to exist?"

Splin grunted. "Is this supposed to be the future?"

Prothe grimaced, inspecting Splin. "…Eh, probably not. You look nothing like Splin when he was fourteen."

…Fourteen? What? It was Splin's turn to grimace. Was he looking at the same him? "I'm not fourteen."

Prothe raised the knife to Splin's throat. "Doesn't really matter."

"I wouldn't even look fourteen," Splin spat out, "I'm like…uh…"

Prothe smirked devilishly, pressing the knife harder. Splin dying trying to clarify he wasn't that young was not how he foresaw himself passing. Splin felt something wet touch his throat and a sharp pain.

Despite that, Splin's expression went from a pained grimace to pure, utter confusion. His eye darted to one side then another. His brow furrowed, and the hand connected to the arm not currently being crushed tapped the road in an alternative rhythm as he thought. A newfound sense of horror different from a fear from death knife gripped Splin.

"I'm…twenty?" Splin said. He sounded out the number cautiously and with zero certainty.

"What?" Prothe said, retracting the knife very slightly. "…No?"

"What?" Mari repeated with her fists raised above Prothe's head.

Before anyone could say anything else, Mari brought down the hammer and clocked Prothe in the back of the head. He fell, unfortunately on top of Splin, knife clattering to the ground. Splin reached up to his neck. Bleeding. Splin couldn't even remark on the absurdity of Mari's sneak attack, seeing as Prothe's head bashed into his own.

"Agh!" Splin complained, raising a hand with bloodied fingers up to his forehead.

"Dude, I was beating the breaks off you, and you're like two years older than me?" Mari chided.

"Two years older? …Probably? But…it's been…" Splin's face scrunched up as he ran the math in his head. "…Wait, aren't I like…twenty now? ...Or twenty-three? Or maybe eighteen? ...Mari, how old are you?"

Mari looked at him in bewilderment. "I don't think the answer to that question is the one you need right now."

Prothe snarled, reminding both that there was a bigger threat to worry about. Splin raised his pistol, Mari grabbed Prothe's throat, and Prothe, thinking quickly, opened another portal. Splin's shot rang out, the bullet vanishing before it could hit him. Less than a second passed and the portal opened again behind Splin's head, only for it to fizzle out and stop as Mari choked Prothe, strangling him while pulling him off of Splin. The bullet that was swallowed by the portal was spat out, landing with a metal clink behind Splin's shoes.

"Do it, Splin!" Mari yelled.

Splin's eyes went wide. Raising the gun up, he aimed it at Prothe. This time he couldn't miss.

"…Was I…a good friend?" Prothe managed to make out between choking.

Splin paused. "You-"

The gun fired. Prothe's head recoiled for a bit, then he was still. A hole in his head leaked a grayish-green, and his eyes unfocused. Prothe's arms went slack, and the portal he had created petered out, disappearing completely. Mari released Prothe and kicked him to the ground, watching him lay out on the cold ground right next to Splin. Splin blinked in surprise, then looked down at his hands.

He actually shot someone with a real gun.

"Was he?" Mari asked, standing above the both of them.

Splin stared up at Mari, then turned his head to face Prothe's corpse. His shocked expression melted somewhat into a grim, exhausted one, much like how Prothe looked like back home. Tired, stuck in a hellish world. At least here there was no retail left to work him to death.

With that, Splin looked back at Mari and grimaced. "I mean…we talked once before. He flipped out on me, and Lalai hit him in the head with something to get him to stop."

"…Oh." Mari tilted her head. "You were never friends?"

"Well…no, he was just this sad guy stuck in retail all day that really needed friends," Splin admitted, crossing his arms.

"Jesus, I was that big of a loser?" Prothe chimed in, throat sore and still lying down on the street.

"HE'S STILL ALIVE!" Mari shouted, yanking Splin's gun out of his hands and squeezing the trigger.

Splin, frozen in place, watched as Mari unloaded the pistol on the man, littering Prothe with holes. As the gun clicked with an empty clip, she threw the pistol at the definite corpse of Prothe and jumped on him, laying into him with punches.

Splin, snapping out of it, then ran over and grabbed Mari by the shoulders. "Stop! Stop! It's over!"

Mari stopped, but not before leaving Prothe the same way as Lalai, smashing into his face so hard that it dented. "Why? He deserved it! He would've killed you!"

Splin rushed to Prothe's body despite Mari's protests. He didn't dare take a step further when he reached his legs. Prothe's face was done. What was left was a pulpy, greenish mess of ink and flesh. Just like Lalai. This time, however, the body was riddled with holes. Splin stared for a moment, but then turned away, refusing to look at Prothe's terrible injuries.

"Ugh," Splin gagged. This wasn't just a crater of ink and a pile of sinking clothes; this was a corpse.

"You're acting like he was a friend of yours," Mari prodded, scowling at Splin's back, "Was he?"

Splin lowered his gaze to the ground. "No. But it's still horrible. Seeing him like that."

"He was a murderer, Splin. H snapped and killed my friends. Your friends," Mari said, thrusting a finger in his chest, "This was just payback for what he did."

"The friends here, I know, I get it," Splin retorted, shaking his head.

"Do you?"

He sighed in frustration. "Everyone besides you that I've met here is like some version of someone I knew, but a psychopath. But I still feel bad watching you cave their faces in! I know it's not them, it's not the Lalai I know and the…and Prothe. But it's…" Splin turned to Mari. "It still feels wrong."

Mari's face darkened. "Oh, it feels wrong? Oh no, that's awful. When we find Splin(1) I'll just talk to him. He'll be a lot more receptive now that his gun-toting girlfriend and his depressed lackey are dead."

Splin glared at Mari. A chill ran through Splin's body. The desolate cityscape's air was brisk at best, windy and miserable at worst. He wasn't sure what was worse; the weather or the chilling way Mari glared back. It felt like he was drinking in her misery. Standing there, looking at this sad girl with her fists painted with dark splotches, he sympathized.

Splin held his hand out for his gun. Mari glanced down, then back at his face. She walked up and slapped the gun in his hand, scowling as she walked past Splin. "I'm sorry."

"One left," Mari muttered, "Then that's it."

Splin stood still and watched Mari storm off down the street. Frowning, he turned around slowly, managing to look down at Prothe again. His hearts sank in his chest.

"This place sucks," Splin concluded, shaking his head.

Splin began walking to catch up with Mari. The wind whipped around his tentacle hair and scratched at his shirt. It would all be over soon, right? This needed to end. It had to. Something in the back of his head demanded it.

AN: Ugh. This has been stewing for too long. I think Splatoon 3 and the Switch is wrapping up the update by the time this weird not really April Fools story is done.

I'm terrible with deadlines. I wonder how everyone is doing after all these years? Hopefully BETTER.

This is ThePizzaLovingTurtle, have a good June.