I was born on December 7th, 1998, or at least that's what was told to me. I don't remember the face of my mother from memories, and the only memory I had of my father was from the day when he held me crying as he ran through the snowy fields. I remember the wolves' music by the moon and snow on my cheeks as I gazed at his face for the first time.
My first thought at that time was, he is my father. But what is a father? I didn't know at that time. I think I don't even understand now but I felt safe in his arms. And that was my first memory as a human in this world.
I didn't have a name for a very long time. At least back then, it felt like a long time; I would sit in a log cabin for days looking out of a small window pane, waiting for my father, whose name I still didn't know, but his presence made me feel safe and warm.
Nights were the toughest as there wasn't a single light source in the cabin. All we had was a bundle of cream-coloured wax candles illuminating the room in a reddish hue; it would give my white hair a glistening red glow. That made me feel happy for reasons I still don't understand. And then, day after day, I would do the same every night, burn a single candle and watch my hair glow red until its light ran out.
However, there were also days when my father would come home early, sometimes he would be in his senses, wreathed in wounds and painted in blood, and there were times he would simply reek of alcohol and gaze at me with a look that scared me but then moments later it would soften as tears would form in his eyes.
My time in that cabin was short and uneventful, but I loved it. But those days had to come to an end.
End?
Yes. It had to end. There was nothing I could do to stop it. I was weak and pathetic. I was scared to even speak to him or even ask for his name. My very own father, whom I loved, I was frightened to learn about him because I felt if I did this warm happy days would come to an end. My reality would shatter, but if there is one consistent thing in this world, it's change.
And that is what happened. On December 7th, 2007, a honkai beast attacked our cabin. It was strong enough to overpower my father, and I sat inside scared, my arms trembling as my fingers gripped the cold metallic hilt of the gun I was given to protect myself. I didn't even know how it worked, but then I saw him, his right arm torn, as the honkai beast jumped to devour him.
At that moment, something shattered within me; I remember hearing the crackling sound as a voice, sweet yet filled with malice, whispered, 'Let me handle it. I will protect him.' I remember nothing after that. There's a blank in my memory.
"Kiana... " I remember his kind and warm voice whisper. As I felt something embracing me. So warm, I had thought, but when I opened my eyes, I saw a scenery I could never forget. A wasteland stood in place of our cabin; the evergreen pine trees were burning as my father held me, his blue eyes filled with love as he said.
"From today, your name has been Kiana Ksalana. Don't you ever let her win Kiana "
It was the happiest day of my life, and the day I would see him for the last time.
After that day, the girl named Kiana Kaslana would venture out to the world. A world she had no knowledge of, and yet she would jump into it, and the path she would choose would bring her pain and inescapable destiny, but what's more important is after all that, she would also encounter the most beautiful thing in this world.
"No! Shut up."
Kiana Kaslana, from the world as we know it, screamed as she heard this foreign feminine voice that sounded just like her but yet different, narrating a story similar to her own. Yet different. Kiana has no recollection of how she ended up here; all she could remember was her fight with Sal over Kolosten and then falling asleep without ever reaching any conclusion. As she gazed around her, all she could see was a barren wasteland with a cottage and a young version of her hugging bloody Siegfried.
The treasure is called love. This is her story, her destiny. This a story about love.
"Shut up. What story about love? That is not my story. "
It started with love and it will end with love.
NO! That is not my story. That is not the Kiana Ksalana I know. My story never ended.
Who is she?
Who am I?
Am I even Kiana Kaslana. No I am Kiana Kaslana but then who is she. Who is this person? I want to know. Is she me but I have never fought with Kevin. She can't be me. No, no, I can't be her. I don't want to leave those I love. But where am I?
Sal? Mei Senpai? Bronya? Anyone?
I want to see you all. I am scared. I am watching a girl who looks just like me and has the same name as me, but it's not me. Kiana screamed. Those are not my memories. I am Kiana Kaslana. I am a girl who wants to be the world's strongest Valkyrie. No, I will be the world's strongest Valkyrie.
But wait, isn't the girl whose memories I saw, is also the strongest Valkyrie. No, she isn't me. I am Kiana Kaslana. And I love... Who do I love? Kiana stood there silent. Her eyes clouded with confusion as she spiralled into this illusory world created by an unknown entity. Was it a Herrscher? Or maybe Wilm of Honkai? She wasn't aware of it.
Why am I confused? Kiana shook her head, trying to shake away the confusion and dread. The girl from the memories I just saw, Kiana, spoke to herself in a reassuring tone. She clearly loves Mei Senpai, but what about me? Don't I love her, too? No, no, I do, but... Not in the same way as her.
But why? Why? Why? Shouldn't I love her too? Shouldn't I be imagining a life with her? But why don't I feel that way if that's the case? Why do I feel pain when I even think of that?
Who do I love?
"Sal Apocalypse Shicksal hereby declares you a criminal for your crime against Overseer Otto as well as for protecting the 3rd Hersscher." A man dressed in a white Shicksal uniform announced as Sal stood chained to a cross. His eyes were devoid of any emotions, and his body was filled with fresh scars. It was a testament to the torture he was made to go through for the past few weeks. "In three weeks, Shicksal will execute you. The executioner for this auspicious event will be Bianka Ataegina. "
Sal? No, wait, why are they executing him. No, you can't do that. I won't let you do that. I won't let you even touch him, you imbeciles. Kiana was getting frantic, her blue eyes filled with fear and a tinge of hopelessness as she saw her sister striding slowly upwards. In her hand was Abyss Flower, the legendary lance their mother once used to protect the world. But today, the weapon used to save will take away the life of the one Kiana cared for deeply.
No, no, no. Don't do that, Bianka! She screamed and tried to run, but her feet were stuck to the ground. They wouldn't move. The tendrils of her past and future didn't want her to take that step. Kiana Kaslana is never supposed to meet Sal Apocalypse. In every universe before this one, Kiana would always meet Raiden Mei at Nagazora; there, she would fall in love with a girl and then go on to sacrifice herself to protect the world. That was how the story has always been and always should be. And yet, in this universe, an anomaly happened. An anomaly by the name of Sal Apocalypse, son of Overseer Otto and a mistake in the grand scheme of things.
I need to save Sal. I need to protect him. I promise him I will never let him slip away from me. Yes, I promised. Tears started escaping her eyes as Kiana used all her strength to break free, but it was futile. Whoever orchestrated this has ensured that Kiana Kaslana cannot interfere with Sal's fate in any way. Move! Please move. They will kill him. I don't want him to die.
But why? The annoying voice that had been narrating her story from the start asked. Its voice was filled with no emotions, sounding almost robotic. Kiana frantically looked around, trying to find the source. She wanted to find this person and beat her to a pulp, but no matter where she looked, there was nothing but a series of onlookers cheering Sal's executioner. Why do you want to protect him?
Do I need a reason! Kiana replied as she pushed her arms free from the tendrils of her past, but the tendrils of a possible future still held her limbs and other arm. I protect everyone! Sal and the entire world will always be protected by me.
But what if you had to choose between the world and Sal. Would you abandon him? The voice asked as the scene around her changed to an unfamiliar location. There was a levitating station where she stood alone with Raiden Mei and Bronya. Kiana didn't look like she usually did; her eyes were an enigmatic shade of purple, and she wore a white dress. On her hips were two wings-like structures also levitating, emitting Honkai energy. That is you. Another version of you, to be precise. She chose the fate of the world over her own happiness. And by doing so she also abandoned those who loved her. Of course, the world lived happily ever after, but the girl she was always alone, watching those she loved grow old without her and finally wither away as even the world forgot about her. In the end, she never regretted her decision, but like you said, you are not her. So tell me, Kiana Kaslana of this world, who is more important to you in this world? Or Sal Apocalypse?
As the voice narrated her story, the scene around Kiana kept shifting according to the voice's narration. Kiana saw the life of another version of her, and she couldn't believe how similar their journeys were, but one thing that didn't make sense to her was the absence of Sal. 'Why was he not anywhere in the story?' She would think until the voice asked again who she would choose. Kiana had always known the answer but was afraid to verbalise it.
After all, saying your thoughts out loud is as good as accepting them. And she didn't want to accept it.
When was it that she started to think this way? When was it that her dreams and convictions altered? Kiana would ponder deeply as she returned to her childhood, a time filled with joy. Even though those days were brief compared to now, they were still memories that Kiana held dear. She still remembers the day when her father Siegfried passed down the Kaslana philosophy to her, 'To fight for all that's beautiful in this world'; however, that is not where the lesson ends.
As a child, Kiana had asked, 'Why do we protect the beautiful world?' And Siegfried had replied, 'It is not the whole world that is beautiful. It is that one person that you make your world, that you protect. And by protecting that one person, you protect everyone else.'
'But how am I supposed to find that one person?' Kiana had asked, her blue eyes filled with curiosity. 'That's the thing, Kiana. You don't find that person. That person will find you. And when they do, you would know.'
'You are not making sense, Papa', Kiana grumbled. 'Maybe not today's Siegfried chuckled as he patted her head. 'But there will come a day when you will understand. And when you do, I hope you will not shy away and accept yourself, Kiana'.
Kiana started speaking, her lips trembling as her voice faltered. She took a deep breath and gazed into Sal's hopeless eyes again. This time, instead of fear and confusion, Kiana held conviction and insecurity. I, She started again. Will choose Sal.
This was it. She had always wanted to say this aloud but couldn't, as she believed saying the word was her mission. And if, in order to complete that mission, she is sacrificed, she doesn't mind. But there was an idiot who came into her life without any warning and stayed by her side when she wasn't herself. At times, she would push him away and even hurt him, but he never left. He never asked for anything in return except her wellbeing. And then, one day, that idiot went ahead and did exactly what she had been doing. Sacrificing herself for the greater good. And that was the moment when Kiana realised, ' It isn't the world that I am trying to protect. Rather, it is this person I want to protect, and by protecting this one person, the world also gets protected.'
Is that what you truly believe in Kiana Kaslana?
Yes. Kiana replied once again, this time with more confidence,between protecting Sal and the world. I would always choose him.
I see. The voice replied. And for the first time since this voice started speaking, Kiana felt as if the voice was smiling. If that's the case, then you have already made your decision.
Decision? Kiana asked. She was still confused about this entire ordeal. She hasn't been on a trip like this ever since she made peace with Sirin. So she wasn't even sure why she was here in the first place. If this is even a place, that is.
Are you really going to make me spell everything out for you?
Hey! Kiana complained. Don't make it sound like I am the problematic one here. You are the one who dragged me here in the first place. So shouldn't you be the one who explains everything?
Insufferable as ever. The voice replied with a twinge of frustration but, at the same time, joy. Kiana Kaslana, since you said you would choose Sal. Didn't you just accept that Sal is the object of your adoration?
Kiana's eyes widened in shock. She couldn't believe what she had just heard. As a matter of speaking, the voice wasn't wrong when she said Kiana had chosen Sal in every way and form. But then again, at the same time, Kiana didn't want to accept that fact. She was happy with keeping it hidden and ignoring it. She had even made herself believe that it was just a phase and that her one true love was Raiden Mei. But at the same time, a part of her also knew that her love for Mei and love for Sal, despite being the same kind, was completely different in intensity. With Mei, it was the burning passion that came with first love, and with Sal, it was the lifelong devotion and comfort she had lacked herself when growing up. There was nothing wrong with it, Bronya had explained to her months ago when she had pointed out how jealous Kiana would get whenever any female tried to make a move on Sal.
Kiana back then had, of course, covered it up as just trying to look out for him, but Bronya has always been the smart one and had called on her bullshit. And it was then Bronya had told her, 'There is nothing wrong with falling out of love with someone and then falling for someone else. What matters is if you are happy at the end of the day. That is how life is Baka-Kiana.'
Do you still want to run away from yourself, Kiana Kaslana? The voice asked, her sound reverberating through the dark field as the executioning scene of Sal disappeared. Now they were on the moon as the other Kiana, the one voice was narrating about stood alone gazing at the Earth. Do you still want to deny your feelings?
No. Kiana somehow replied. She took deep breaths and confronted herself for the first time since her fight with Mei at Nagazora. Even then, when Kiana had seen how badly Sal was injured because of Mei, a ball of rage had bursted inside her, and even though she was trying to bring back Mei somewhere in the middle of the fight, it had shifted more towards her, taking out her anger on Mei for hurting Sal. When that happened, Kiana decided to ignore it. Labelling the event as just caring a lot for a close friend. But now she knew better. I fully understand my feelings now. It is just like Papa had said. The person you protect is not someone you find. Instead, they come and find you. They won't ask for permission. They would simply force their way into your heart, and before you would understand what is happening, they would have already made you fall for them. Kiana sighed and then smiled.
Memories of her and Sal's journey across South Asia after Himeko's death came into her mind. It was a brief three months of her life, and yet it was something that she would never forget. Meeting the fishermen in Davao, living with a married couple in Manila then somehow making their way to Korea and then somehow ending up at Arc city. It was a stressful time, but now that Kiana looked back, she could only feel happiness. The reason for that happiness was that a single person kept up with her despite everything she had done, and that person was Sal.
It seems like you have grown, even if not by a lot. The voice smiled, or so Kiana thought. And then a pair of slender arms held Kiana, whispering. You have done well.
And with that, the enigmatic yet influential journey came to an end. The world around Kiana Kaslana melted into white light as she woke up with a start. Her vision was blurry as she blinked, trying to restore it. After a minute or so, she was able to see the blue ceiling of her room; the curtains were half drawn as a faint glimmer of moonlight entered the room, filling its luminescence. Kiana, who was still lying on her bed, took a deep breath. She wasn't sure what had just happened, but it had clarified her feelings.
As the faint noise of the blower played like music in her ears, Kiana whispered to herself.
"I love Sal. Not Mei-Senpai." Finally, letting her feelings out made her feel better. "I really do love him." She said again, as her entire face turned red. The feelings she had held in for months finally broke through, leaving a love-struck mess behind.
"What am I supposed to do now? Do I tell him? Maybe I do. I mean, it's the most natural thing to do." Kiana sighed. "But then again, loving him is the most natural thing for me. I don't feel obliged or even forced whenever I think about him. It's just that I plainly and unconditionally love him. Worst part, there is no reason behind it."
As the December night was about to break into the day, Kiana Kaslana smiled as she gazed at a framed photo of herself and Sal, where Sal was standing awkwardly. Kiana had jumped over his back, trying to get a free piggyback ride.
"Look at what you have done to me, Sal Apocalypse." She smiled. "Now, all I can think of is you. You are going to take responsibility for this."
With this, for better or worse, Kiana Kaslana of this universe has fallen in love with Sal Apocalypse. An entity whose existence was an anomaly, so much so that even the Sea Of Quanta denied his existence. Only because of the Will Of Honkai and the world tree was he allowed to live and change the course of history.
A/N Just saying it because I wanted to. This chapter's name is an Evangelion reference. Since Honkai is one big Evangelion reference, I thought, why not play around with it? Haha. Anyway, I hope you guys love the new chapter. I am sure this chapter's writing and narrative style might not be your typical one since I was trying to experiment with the narrative here. But I hope the story I tried to tell through this style gets across.
Anyway, Happy reading!