A wood chipper is the drawing depicted on the next file, the words reading "INCIDENT 0108112003"

Ruby: "Ooo, we have incident 0108112003 up next."

Shannon: "That's the one with the wood chipper. One of our most gruesome incidents on record".

The image on the file shows a wood chipper with a man stuck partway inside feet first. Red giblets are spewing out of the discharge spout.

Shannon: "Wood chippers are dangerous machines, and for good reason…"

Zoom in.

We open to a scene in the desert. Two men are gathering branches from a pile. A wood chipper is running nearby, the hum of its motor filling the air.

Date of Incident: 11 August, 2003

Location of Incident: Somewhere in the Sonoran Desert, near Yuma, Arizona

Shannon: (Narrating) "Clearing fallen trees and brush in 110 degrees Fahrenheit (43.3 degrees Celsius) of heat."

One of the men feeds a branch into the chipper, cracking sounds ringing out as the chipper's blades shred the branch. Woodchips fly out of the discharge spout.

Man #1: "Oh jeez, it sure is hot."

Shannon: (Narrating) "It's a dirty job, but someone's to do it."

The men feed another branch into the chipper.

Shannon: (Narrating) "Tiny and Dale just wish it weren't them."

Tiny sighs. The two men wipe the sweat off of their foreheads.

Shannon: (Narrating) "Our less than dynamic duo have hoisted the branches to the top of this hill. Just one job left - chipping."

Tiny places another branch into the wood chipper's intake. We see the branch pulled into the blades and shredded to pieces. We then gradually fade to a CGI shot of the branch being pulled through the chipper.

Shannon: (Narrating) "Ruby, mind explaining how this works?"

Ruby: "Certainly, Shanny. Now, as far as machines go, a wood chipper is, like, a fairly low-tech brute.

The wood chipper's external shell is made transparent to give the viewer a better view of the blades. The branch is shown being destroyed and the chips ejected from the discharge spout.

Ruby: "You feed a branch in, some blades grind it up, and woodchips are spat out.

Back in the desert, Dale uses a small broom to sweep some smaller branches into the machine.

Shannon: (Narrating) "But it's never easy with these two."

Soon enough a metallic grinding noise is heard coming from the woodchipper.

Shannon: (Narrating) "The last branch gets stuck."

Dale puts down the broom and climbs on top of the woodchipper's intake.

Shannon: (Narrating) "There's a cage fight and a pack of cold ones waiting for them back at Tiny's."

Dale sits down on the intake, places his feet on the branch and pushes it.

Shannon: (Narrating) "So Dale figured it was time to man up. He tried forcing the branch through with his feet."

We see the force overpower the branch's resistance, and Dale's legs force the branch through the chipper. But then the chipper's blades catch on Dale's legs and begin ripping them apart, too.

Dale: "AH! AH! FUCK! AHHH!"

The machine's blades pull Dale in ever so gradually.

Tiny: "God! What are you doing?! What are you doing?!"

We see a shot of Dale being drawn into his own deathtrap, red giblets spewing out of the discharge spout.

Shannon: (Narrating) "Dale is now finding out the hard way that if a machine can destroy tree limbs, it can also destroy human limbs."

Dale's screams of "HELP ME!" are barely audible over the noise of the woodchipper shredding his body.

Soon enough a spurt of gore lands on Tiny. He shrieks in horror. We then see a shot of the chipper's safety notice, splattered with red. Soon enough Dale's screams stop.

Shannon: (Narrating) "Ruby, your verdict?"

We cut to Ruby in the office.

Ruby: "Unfortunately poor Dale probably felt, like, EVERYTHING. Starting from the toes and working their way up, the blades would have, like, shredded his tissues, tore muscles from bones, pulverised said bones like the branches."

Back in the desert, we see a replay of Dale getting ripped apart.

Shannon: (Narrating) "Dale got turned into an indecipherable bloody pulp, and Tiny got a bloodbath. Is there a lesson to be learned from all this? Well, call me cruel, but if you're this stupid you probably DESERVED to die."

A final shot shows the plants neat to the chipper covered in Dale's remains.

WAY TO DIE #288

CHIPPIN' DALE

Back to the Sharuby couple in their office. Both look clearly unsettled.

Ruby: "That was, like, the most gruesome death we've covered yet."

Shannon: "Agreed. I'd give that a 9.5 out of 10 on the pain scale. Next file, please. Turn turn to narrate."

Ruby nods, closing the file and marking it before wheeling over to get the next one.