Another Journal outtake this time. It's been a while since I've done one of these, but this one has been on my list for quite some time. It takes place between chapter 70 and 71 and near the end somewhat during the first part of chapter 71.
Ever wanted to know how the company got rid of Smaug's corpse?
Enjoy!
Chapter 23
How to Remove a Dragon (in Twenty-Five Days)
Thorin was the lucky one in this, the one who could sit back and watch the rest of us do battle with the beast. I think that is the best description for what we were doing, truly. The beast was impossible to move. We had ropes and chains – taken from some store deep inside Erebor that Balin still remembered – aplenty, so we secured those around paws and neck and then acted as glorified horses to get the drake into movement. That was the only way we could get anything done. Naturally a lot of chains and ropes broke, the most memorable occasion being halfway up the steep stairs and the dragon tumbled down again and slid down the hallway, undoing two days of hard work in the process. It turned out that a dead dragon was even more of a nuisance than the live version had been. Who'd have thought?
The Journal, Chapter 71: Unwanted Visitors
Day 1
'This is going to be a nightmare.'
'Oh dear, he is rather big, isn't he?'
Kate turned to Bilbo, whose assessment, unlike hers, was firmly rooted in the realm of understatement. They were standing in the treasury, staring at Smaug's remains with something akin to despair. The dragon had died yesterday, but for some reason it felt like an age ago. So much had happened that the realisation that it was really over only began to sink in when she was looking at the corpse.
It was a surreal sort of feeling, Kate decided. For so many months defeating the dragon had been the ultimate end goal. Now here they were. Smaug was dead and he had died in a different – and in Kate's opinion better – way than in the book. Lake-town was still there and its inhabitants would never know of the danger they had been in. It made her feel cautiously optimistic about the future.
On the other hand, there was still Smaug. And she had a lingering suspicion that defeating him had been a lot easier than the task that awaited them now.
'Greatest and Chiefest of Calamities,' Bofur remarked. 'More like Greatest and Heaviest, if you ask me.'
No one had asked him, but that didn't mean there was no truth in his words.
'Well, he has to get out of here,' Kate said.
She had discussed it with Thorin – who would have been here himself if not for Óin's decree he wasn't to move so much as an inch without his say-so – and they had agreed that the dragon had to leave Erebor sooner rather than later. Thorin was of the opinion that his people had suffered the drake's presence for long enough. Not even the corpse was welcome now. Kate's motives for wanting him gone were a little more practical; now that he was dead Smaug would surely start rotting. She wanted him out of the door before he could stink up the place too much.
So here they were, all of the company minus Thorin and Óin, realising that this was easier said than done.
'If we had trees, we could chop them and roll him over them,' Bombur offered hesitantly.
But they did not exactly have trees in abundance. Kate recalled that there had been several near where they had camped when they were looking for the side door, but that was a long way away and by the time they would have chopped all those trees and have carried them back inside, it would be days, if not weeks later.
Judging by the silence that greeted this proposal, most of her companions had reached the same conclusion. Then again, Bombur hadn't sounded convinced by his own idea.
'Does anyone have a better idea than dragging him from here to the front gate?' she asked.
The deafening silence that followed this query was all the answer she needed.
Day 2
'There should be chains in a storage space some levels down.' In the end it was Balin who dared to suggest they should go ahead with Kate's drag-him-out plan. It was mid-afternoon at this point and the discussion hadn't made any real progress in hours. Honestly, he was probably saving them from themselves.
Kate sighed, resigning herself to the fact that there was no easy way to remove the dragon from the treasury. Deep down she had probably known this from the start, but the prospect filled her with repugnance. The last thing she wanted was to actually drag Smaug all the way through the Mountain. Well, nobody said this was going to be easy, Andrews. Suck it up and get on with it.
Fortunately it was Thorin who made the decision. 'See if you can find it,' he told Balin. 'Take all the help you need.' He had to keep his arse firmly planted on a chair and had to literally put his feet up – he had grumbled about that quite a lot this morning – but that way he could attend the meeting and pretend he wasn't injured. 'Dwalin and I will scout out the route.'
'No.' Kate thought it at the same time Óin said it. His hearing was remarkably sharp when he thought someone was about to go and ignore his sound medical advice. He'll need to develop a sixth sense as well if he wants to keep track of Thorin, Kate thought wryly. It was a side of Thorin she hadn't seen before. He was a bloody awful patient. A dragon had fallen on his knees two days ago and he was already planning to go walkabout.
'Nah, I'll just take Kate,' Dwalin said, backing Óin up before Thorin had the chance to protest. He probably said that because Thorin would trust her to get the job done, but it came as a surprise that Dwalin suggested it. He'd been very cooperative and tolerant lately, but it kept taking her completely off guard. It would help if he explained his apparent change of heart, because she certainly was not going to ask him about it.
Either way, she'd better jump on it before Thorin had any more bright ideas that would effectively wreck his own recovery. 'Sounds like a good plan,' she said. She avoided looking at Thorin as she did so; she could almost feel the frustrated glare boring holes in her skull.
It killed the protest, though, and that was the intended effect. So half an hour later she was walking through Erebor in only Dwalin's company. It appeared he had done a bit of scouting beforehand – or he had a better memory of this place than Kate believed possible – because he'd already worked out a route, one with hallways big enough to allow passage to a creature of Smaug's size.
'I've got my doubts about this,' he said when they came to a huge staircase.
Kate had been about to say something along those lines and was secretly glad he had beaten her to it. 'I can see why.' She had a clear mental picture of dragging and pushing Smaug up those stairs and in her head it looked more like one of Hercules' labours than something actual mortals could achieve. 'There is no other way?'
Dwalin shook his head. 'No.'
Kate had expected this; if there had been, he would have shown her the better alternative. It also seemed she had been right in her suspicion he'd already done some reconnaissance on his own before now.
'Well, it has to come out, so it seems we're dragging him up the stairs,' she said decisively. And even though she knew she did not even possess a tenth of the dwarves' bodily strength, she would pull her weight, for all that it was worth. You've got to earn your place here. And given the fact that she was going to stay, she'd better start to make an effort. If she wanted to belong, be accepted, she had to prove herself. Sitting on her backside while others did the work was not going to do the job.
Dwalin at least approved. 'Seems we are.'
Day 3
'These wings are going to be problem.' Kate was this close to officially promoting Bilbo to the Master of Understatement. The wings were a problem. They were huge, easily the size of an airplane each when fully spread. Smaug's body itself was not quite slender, but at least not too fat to drag through the corridors she had explored with Dwalin the day before. He was long, which would be difficult enough when he had to be manoeuvred through a corner, but it might be doable. If not for those blasted wings.
'We could just chop them off,' Nori suggested with entirely too much cheer.
His comment was met with freezing glares from the remaining ten dwarves, burglar and advisor.
He shrugged. 'Just saying,' he defended himself.
Truth was, if the wings had been attached to the body at one small point, they might have considered it. But the wings ran the length of his body, all the way from the neck to the paws, close to where the tail began. And if even arrows could not so much as dent his armour, they'd blunt whatever axes they had on it long before they came close to achieving their goal, more was the pity. It would have solved a lot of problems.
It came in somehow, Kate thought angrily. There has to be a way to get it back out again. But there was a big difference between a live dragon who came in under his own steam and a dead weight that had to be dragged out.
Bombur had stepped forward and was examining the dragon from a different angle, a concentrated frown on his face. 'We could tie the wings alongside the body,' he said thoughtfully. 'Gets them out of the way and makes him easier to move.'
This suggestion, unlike Nori's, met with some murmured approval. Nobody was champing at the bit to get started on this, but it had to be done. Bombur was surprising her lately. He was a quiet sort, who didn't talk unless there was dire need, but Kate was quickly coming to see that this by no means meant he had nothing to add. And he had given them the most workable idea thus far.
They might as well use it.
And so they did. It involved lifting the dragon several times to pass chains and ropes under the belly to the other side. At this point Kate started to suspect special treatment. Dori had been quick to appoint her as something of an overseer, which stopped her from getting actively involved in the actual lifting. Oh, she supposed he had a point when he said that she would not contribute much in terms of physical strength, but she wasn't born yesterday. The ulterior motives were practically written on his forehead.
But even Dori could not stop her from climbing on top of the dragon's back to pass chains there. Her physique was best suited to that work and so she didn't feel completely useless. This work had the downside that she had to actually touch the beast. Already there was a vague, undefined smell surrounding the body.
Give it a week and the smell will be unbearable.
Day 4
If there had been an apple big enough to fit in Smaug's mouth, Kate could almost be fooled into thinking she was looking at one of those roasted pigs. Only she didn't think one of those pigs had ever looked like a very badly wrapped Christmas present at the same time.
How are we ever going to move him?
'Well, at least the first bit's easy,' Fíli said optimistically.
Kate arched an eyebrow at him. 'How so?'
Kíli had clearly followed his brother's line of thought. 'He's on top of the pile. We only need to shove him down and his own weight will do the rest.'
She considered this for a moment and was forced to admit this plan might actually work. It would beat dragging him down to the designated hallway at any rate. And there was going to be enough dragging in her immediate future anyway; she was in no danger of forgetting the Stairs of Doom.
So it was with at least a little relief that she climbed up with the others, pointed Smaug's head in the right direction and then joined her companions at his backside to push.
'One, two, three, push!'
Kate threw her everything into it. She might as well have tried to push a mountain; Smaug did not move so much as an inch.
'Again!'
They did the whole routine another three times and Kate finally felt like something was shifting somewhere. A few coins rolled down the mountain of treasure.
Dwalin must have thought the same thing. When he commanded them to push again, she thought she heard excitement in his voice.
At the next push it was more than a vague indication that something was moving. The dragon shifted under their hands, slowly at first, but then he was catching speed.
'He's going!' Glóin bellowed belatedly. By the time the words left his mouth, Smaug was already sliding down the pile of gold and precious stones, creating avalanches as he went. They'd given him a start and gravity did the rest. In fact, it had all gone so fast that half of them had lost their balance and had ended up faceplanting the gold. Kate was one of them.
Next to her Kíli was whooping and laughing. 'That was entertaining.' He had taken a tumble as well, but was already back on his feet. 'Need a hand, Kate?'
His carelessness was catching and she grinned up at him. 'Nah, I'm comfy as can be.'
She held out her hand all the same and Kíli pulled her back up. He almost used too much strength and only just realised she was no dwarf and not as heavy as one. 'There you go,' he said, steadying her. 'You should eat more, Kate. It can't be wholesome to be as skinny as you are.'
'Volunteering to share your rations, are you?' she retorted.
'He's not that generous,' Bofur told her good-naturedly.
Spirits were high and became higher when everyone realised their gamble had paid off; Smaug had even slid a little ways into the corridor before he'd come to a halt.
It looked like things were going their way at last.
Day 5
'I have aching muscles in places I didn't know I had muscles,' Ori complained around midday. He sat himself down on the obliging fallen column at the side of the road.
Kate felt about the same. Bilbo had hoisted himself onto a boulder that in a previous life had perhaps been part of the structure. It was that she could see his chest rise and fall with his breathing, or she might have thought he'd died. The three of them were the most unused to hard physical labour and were showing signs of the strain much sooner than the others, to Kate's endless vexation.
Of course Dori saw an opportunity to smother both Ori and her in concern. 'Rest a spell,' he told them. Dwalin had allowed them a short break to catch their breaths, eat and drink a little. They had been at it for about five hours now and their progress was minimal. She'd said too much too soon when she had cheered at their good fortune yesterday. It had all gone from bad to worse since then. This morning the first two chains had broken and they had wasted a good hour and a half replacing them.
This won't be the last time, Kate knew.
'That's what the break is for,' she responded quickly, because even though she hated this work, she'd be damned before she consented to sitting this out. It was more than proving herself now. It was a point of pride. And there was a camaraderie among the dragon removers that she wouldn't relinquish for the life of her. 'Is there still water in that bottle? Cheers, don't mind if I do.' She snatched it out of Dori's hands, drank deeply and then passed it on to Ori.
Dwalin called them back to work before Dori had the chance to protest.
'If you're too tired to work, we fully understand, Kate!' Fíli called teasingly in her direction.
Kate forced herself to her feet, trying not to wince as her muscles cramped in protest. 'And let you get all the credit? In your dreams. Come on, Ori, let's show them how it's done.'
Day 6
Her bravado had all but abandoned her at the end of the day. It took her all her willpower to even make it back to camp under her own power; she had just enough pride left to turn down Balin's offer to lean on him.
She must have looked worse than she thought, because there was concern in Thorin's eyes as well. 'Are you well?' he asked when she lay down on her bedroll with a sigh of relief.
'All my limbs are still in their proper places,' she answered. 'I think. I can't feel all of them, but I think I'd have been told if bits went missing.'
Too late she realised that it was probably unwise to joke about missing limbs when Thorin had come so close to such a scenario. It certainly wouldn't help matters that he still couldn't move without going pale as a corpse and nearly screaming in pain. But she was exhausted, weary to the bone in a way she had never really been before. There had been days on the road when she had been tired as well, but not in all her days had she ever been made to work this hard.
'Oh, bloody hell,' she groaned. 'Forget I said anything.' Me and my stupid big mouth.
To her infinite relief found it in himself to take it in the spirit it had been intended. 'The pain will fade when your body becomes used to the work.'
Kate surmised from this that he meant it as some reassurance that, no matter how bad it was, it would get better. Yet every fibre of her being rebelled against the idea of getting used to this. Her back was killing her, she could barely move her arms and if she still had legs left, she could hardly feel them. And she didn't have the energy left to get up and check that they were still there.
Still, she managed a smile, or something close enough anyway. 'Good.' And it wouldn't hurt her case to develop a few muscles anyway. She'd never have the strength of a dwarf, but at least she wouldn't be totally useless.
The concern had yet to take a break. 'You should not push yourself so hard.'
Annoyance woke. It was the very wise advice with which she had left him this morning when he had been grumbling about his own infirmity. To have them now thrown back at her roused her from her apathy. 'I'm not backing down,' she told him in a tone that would brook no argument. 'I'm sticking with this.' Realising she was sounding too snappy, she added: 'I promised I'd help make Erebor a dragon-free zone, didn't I? You wouldn't want me to become a liar now, would you?'
That killed the discussion for the time being. And sleeping in his arms restored a little of her good humour, so there was that.
Day 7
'Left a bit!' Dwalin shouted. 'Three, two, one, push!'
Kate groaned as she threw all her weight behind her shove. Smaug moved, but not nearly enough for her taste.
'Dori will have your head if he sees you here,' Nori told her while they waited until the other team had completed their part of the action. Getting a full-grown dragon around a ninety degree corner required buckets of patience and no little organisation. Fortunately both Dwalin and Bombur appeared to know what they were doing.
'Dori is on arse-duty,' Kate reminded him, using the unflattering nickname for the thankless task performed by those of their little company who had to take care of pushing Smaug's behind in the right direction. Kate had been lucky enough to end up on head-duty this morning. 'And what he doesn't know won't hurt him.' She gave her brother her sternest stare. 'And he won't hear it from your lips, will he?'
'I'm the soul of discretion,' he vowed, holding a hand over his heart and looking so trustworthy that an outsider might be forgiven for actually believing him.
'I haven't seen you all morning,' Óin said.
'So, you're blind now as well as deaf, are you?' Glóin commented. 'That's a shame.'
Óin pretended not to hear this. Kate had a theory about his deafness that mainly centred around the idea that it was selective, something he turned on and off at will, because he was always very capable of hearing what he wanted to hear. But when he did not want to hear something – like Thorin's continued protests that he could make himself useful in some way – then all of his hearing suddenly abandoned him.
'And here was I thinking you were on arse-duty this morning,' Balin played along. 'You had to be, because I haven't seen hide nor hair of you since breakfast.'
She was glad of their support. Of course, more than half of them thought she should take it easier, on account of her being both human and a woman, but it appeared to be a point of principle to not put up with Dori being an old fusspot. At the moment that worked in her favour.
'Make ready!' Dwalin commanded as he re-joined them.
The thought had occurred to Kate more than once this past week that he would have made a fine slave overseer. He'd been at them without respite for hours, which was not endearing him to Kate right now. But rationally she knew he was getting the job done and her impatience with his commands stemmed more from her frustration with the work itself than her frustration with him. This was also the only thing that prevented her from losing her temper with him.
They took up positions again.
'Three, two, one, push!'
Day 8
'He's stuck!'
Several heads poked out from behind the dragon.
'Stuck?'
'Where?'
'Can't you do something about it before we're old and grey?'
'Those of us who aren't grey already, you mean? Might need to hurry up in Bofur's case.'
'Wait, Bofur's going grey?'
'Of course he is. He's using the hat to hide it. Just ask to look under it. You'll see.'
'Shut up, Nori!' This was chorused in at least three voices.
'How's it going back there? What's he stuck behind?'
'Yes, yes, calm down. Give me a minute. I can't conjure answers out of thin air! And I'll have you know that climbing a dragon is not easy!'
'A wizard would be handy now.'
'Where's Gandalf gone to anyway? Didn't he say he'd come back?'
'Didn't say when he'd be back, did he? Slippery as an elf, that one. I'd say we're well rid of him.'
'But at least Gandalf could probably move this stinking carcass quick as blinking. I'd settle for the wizard right now.'
'Would that mean we'd have to pay him, though? He didn't sign a contract, did he?'
'I don't think he did. Ori, did Gandalf sign a contract?'
'He didn't. If he had, he'd have had to stay with us all the way.'
'Well, that settles it. We wouldn't have to pay him.'
'Though it's probably nice to show him some gratitude. He did get us out of Goblin-town after all.'
'Huh. I'd almost forgotten.'
'Mr Baggins, are you making any progress yet? Or should we go and get supper first? We could bring you some back if you like.'
'Not so impatient! I am almost there. Nearly… Nearly there.'
'Anytime before sundown would suit us, really.'
'But don't hurry yourself. You've got maybe an hour left?'
'I reckon it's less. But no pressure at all, burglar. Take your time.'
'Almost… Almost… Done! You can move him!'
'Push!'
'Not yet, you foooooooo…!'
'Wait! Mr Baggins, are you all right?'
'…'
'I think he fell when we moved.'
'Mr Baggins? Are you alive? Mr Baggins!'
Day 9
'That's quite a bump on the back of your head, Master Baggins.'
Kate had to admit that Balin was right. You couldn't see it from a little distance away, but on close inspection it was positively egg-sized.
Bilbo batted their hands away. 'Yes, I know. It's on my head in case you've forgotten.' He was still rather irritated, for which Kate found it hard to blame him. But in their defence, they'd thought Bilbo wouldn't give them the go-ahead before he'd made sure he was in a safe position himself. How could they have known they would dislodge their valued burglar from Smaug's back? They certainly hadn't meant to do him a harm.
'We reckoned you'd like a ride on dragon back,' Kíli chimed in. 'It'd be something to boast about when you get back home.'
Bilbo snorted at him. 'Nobody would believe it.' He dismissed that suggestion out of hand. 'Most of my neighbours wouldn't believe that dragons are even real.'
And the same would be true for the people back in Kate's own world. Dragons were all good and well in stories, but no one in their right mind would ever claim to have actually seen one, much less ridden one.
Maybe it's good I'm staying here, she thought. What would I have told them that wouldn't sound like I'd lost my marbles along the way?
At the same time it made her sad that she had so fallen out of touch with the people of her own world. She never wanted that. She would never be able to connect with them like she connected with these dwarves now. At least here, with them, she didn't have to hide anything. Even if she would have gone back to live out her days in England, the secrets would always stand between her and everyone she knew.
Either that or she'd spend her life locked away in an asylum. Neither prospect was particularly tempting.
Kíli was not discouraged. 'Well, you could always have another go at it, if you like. You don't weigh much. Shouldn't be any trouble.'
'I'll give you a leg up,' Ori offered.
'No, no, I'll keep my feet on the ground, thank you very much. Hobbits aren't meant to climb things, you know.' The idea of having to get back up wasn't filling him with joy from the looks of it. Then again, if she'd had a tumble from that height only the day before, Kate wouldn't be jumping with excitement either. More like running in the opposite direction.
'How about you then, Kate?' The dwarves weren't fazed in the least by the refusal and Nori was already looking for another target. 'Fancy a ride?'
She shook her head. 'Thanks, but no thanks. The smell is bad enough down here.' Having to climb up would bring her in even closer proximity to the source.
It turned out that her prediction of almost a week ago was coming true. The smell increased with every passing day, a nauseating mixture of burning and rotting that would turn even the strongest stomach. It was subtle at first, barely there. You'd think you smelled something, but then the moment had passed and you'd be convinced it was nothing. But it had grown stronger and stronger ever since until there was no escaping it. It was a sharp, penetrating kind of smell. Most of the company had bound scarves and cloths over the lower halves of their faces and everyone had taken to mostly breathing through their mouths to limit the damage.
It was worst for those unfortunate enough to be on arse-duty, the pushers. They had to basically glue their noses to the dragon's back when they pushed. At least the lucky few on head-duty, the draggers, could catch a whiff of fresh air – or as fresh as it could be under a Mountain that hadn't been aired through in well over a century – now and again. Kate also suspected that was the reason she hadn't been on arse-duty for days. She saw Dori's hand in this, but as long as she couldn't prove it, she didn't have a legitimate excuse to have a go at him. And she wasn't entirely convinced that Dwalin wasn't in on it.
Fortunately Dwalin came and broke them up before they could push their point. 'Back to work,' he told them briskly. 'It won't carry itself out.'
And didn't they all know it.
Before them, the stairs loomed large.
Day 10
'This is going to be a nightmare.'
'Oh dear, those are rather a lot of steps.'
Once again Bilbo had nailed the understatement. Kate suspected he did not do that on purpose. It was a hobbit thing.
But it was almost certainly going to be a nightmare. Privately she'd called them the Stairs of Doom since she first saw them and with good reason. The good news was that the staircase was wide enough to allow passage to a corpse of Smaug's size. The bad news was that it was steep and tall and there were at least fifty steps. And because they would have to haul and push Smaug up, there would be no breaks in between. The moment they let go, it would slide back down again and doing this twice was nobody's idea of a good time.
Her muscles winced in anticipation.
Thorin's words of some days ago were true enough; her body was becoming used to the work. Her body was still aching all over by the end of every day, but it was not as crippling as it had been at first. And even so she was learning to push past the pain to get on with things. Nobody else was throwing the towel in, so neither would she. And she was well aware that they worked harder than she did.
'I am looking forward to tomorrow,' Bofur announced.
Kate snorted. 'So am I.' Because once they'd reach the top of these stairs, they'd only have to push Smaug a little bit further before they would come to the next staircase. But that one would be leading down. And there was nothing more cheering than the prospect of watching that stinking carcass slide down the stairs, especially when they still had to drag him up.
'Into position,' Dwalin commanded.
Kate took a deep breath and joined the draggers. While she was glad to be relieved of arse-duty – the smell there did unpleasant things to her stomach – by now she was convinced there was special treatment involved.
'Joining our ranks this morning?' Nori asked. His cheer had yet to abandon him. 'What would our brother say?'
'Nothing,' Kate replied. 'Since he doesn't know anything about it.'
Balin shook his head. 'Sit this one out, Kate,' he counselled. He had joined the special treatment team a couple of days ago.
She shook her head. 'You need everyone you can get for this.' That sound logic should kill his mollycoddling stone-dead. 'I wish you lot would stop making such a fuss. I don't know what's gotten into you.'
'Dori's been nagging,' Nori clarified.
'Great.'
There was no more time for talk and soon enough no one had the breath to spare to chat. They really put their backs into it, because everybody wanted to get it over with sooner rather than later, but even so, it was slow-going. One could only hear the grunts of effort and Bombur and Dwalin's orders to push or drag.
Time ceased to matter altogether. They could have been there for days and she wouldn't be able to tell. Kate stopped trying to think more than one step ahead. If she could make it to the next step, it stood to reason that she could manage the one after that. And once she had made it that far, she could manage another step. The one thing she should not do, was look up and be discouraged by how far they still had to go. That would not be helpful.
But they made progress.
Until they didn't anymore.
It began with the ominous sound of creaking chains and groaning ropes. It all went very fast after that.
'The chain's breaking!'
'He's going!'
'Take cover!'
Then the weight constantly pulling her backwards was suddenly gone. Kate overcompensated and half fell on the stairs. As she regained her balance and turned around she saw Smaug sliding back down the stairs. The pushers were leaping out of the way to avoid being crushed underneath. Smaug's ugly dead mouth almost seemed to laugh at their failure, to mock them for attempting the impossible. He certainly would have if he had been alive.
With growing horror she realised that Smaug did not stop sliding when he reached the bottom of the stairs. He'd gathered speed in his descent and slid down the hallway, only to come to a sudden halt against a wall near the point where they had begun yesterday.
The ground shook because of the force with which Smaug had hit the wall and for a moment she feared the roof might come down and they would be buried alive. But then the dust settled and nothing else happened.
'Everyone alive?' Dwalin shouted.
He got a chorus of affirmatives. After a quick headcount it turned out that everybody had gotten out of Smaug's way in time. That was one positive thing at least.
But they all realised they would have to do the last two days' work all over again.
Kate could have wept in frustration.
Day 11
'Does that column look familiar to you?'
'Might have seen it before, yes. Hey, I say, look at that rock! I think I saw one just like it two days ago.'
'Well, all rocks start to look the same after a while, don't they?'
'Not to a dwarf, Mr Baggins.'
'I'm surprised you still see anything at all, Glóin. My, that is a spectacular shade of purple!'
'I don't want to discourage you, lads, but that hole in the ground over there looks awfully similar to one I noticed the other day.'
'Must be a coincidence.'
Silence for a bit.
'Do you think we're going round in circles?'
'…'
Day 12
They were back at the foot of the stairs. We've been here before and we failed, Kate thought. Why on earth did we think we stood a better chance the second time?
She didn't have an answer to her own question other than reckless optimism. Well, and they had taken certain precautions this time. They'd finished somewhat early the previous day, so that they could wrap Smaug in even more chains. That way, when one broke, it wouldn't mean a repeat performance of the disaster of two days ago.
At least Tolkien had a neat way to get rid of the corpse. Of course, that way involved far more terror and bloodshed and she did not really want any of that. Even so, it would have been really nice to be able to shove him in a large body of water and just have done with it. He'd probably poison the waters for thousands of years to come.
Most of them were in slightly worse shape than they were when they attempted this the first time. Glóin especially sported a visible reminder of his dragon-shaped accident; a bruise that ran from forehead to chin along the left side of his face. Overnight it had taken on shades of blue, purple and black that Kate didn't know were actually possible. Óin had fussed over him a bit, but Glóin insisted that he could walk just fine and that he didn't need the use of both eyes in order to help. Nobody had objected to this; they couldn't really afford to lose the help.
'Into positions!' Dwalin ordered.
Kate had come to dread those words.
It seemed like they were going slower today than they had been two days ago, but Kate suspected that her mind was just playing tricks on her.
Stop thinking! Just pull.
Groans filled the air sporadically and you could hear the sound of a huge dragon being hauled up the stairs, but other than that an eerie silence reigned in the halls of Erebor. This place was too vast for only such a small company as theirs. This Mountain was meant to house thousands, intended to be filled with people talking and going about their business. As long as nobody did just that, it almost felt like a graveyard.
It must be dark outside already when Dwalin announced that they were nearly there. For a moment it sounded almost too good to be true. She had to break her own rule about not looking ahead to make sure that it was in fact just four more steps until she and her fellow draggers reached the top. Of course, then they would still have to haul Smaug's body up all the way, but the climb at least would be over.
It was as if Dwalin's words had lit a fire under everybody's arses. They had the finish line in their sights now. Not even a dead dragon was going to interfere with their goals. To be honest, Kate doubted if they would have the heart to try a third time if Smaug fell at this stage of the game.
But he didn't. The draggers made it to the top first and started pulling from a more level surface, which was altogether easier. It still took them hours, but then at last Smaug's gigantic head made it and then part of his body until finally the heads of the pushers came into view. Even so, they didn't stop until the tip of Smaug's tail was lying in the corridor and a little distance away from the stairs.
God forbid he starts to slide at night and we can start all over tomorrow.
Kate had expected to do a little dance of joy when they made it, but she found she didn't have the energy for it anymore. They'd been continuously working since breakfast without a break and it must be well past suppertime when all was said and done. She was hungry and tired and if she could, she might have actually fallen asleep where she stood.
As it was, her recollection of going back to camp was a little hazy.
Day 13
'Next time you literally fall asleep on me, give me a warning, will you?'
Kate had to admit she had no idea what Nori was talking about. 'Excuse me?'
A massive grin split Nori's face in half. 'You don't remember, do you?'
She really didn't and she was starting to regret that. It was true enough that she did not exactly remember every step of the way from where Smaug was to the place they made camp, but well, she had been tired and thinking of sleep. If Nori was right, she'd done more than just thinking about it.
'Not really,' she confessed, groaning when Nori started laughing. 'Oh, come on, it had been a long day! Cut me some slack here, will you?'
'Nobody else fell asleep.' Nori was not going to let her hear the end of it yet, if ever.
'It was a close thing for our burglar, though,' Dwalin said, taking pity on her. That was what she assumed he was doing anyway. Him sticking up for her was still a novelty. Then again, it could just be that he really didn't have the patience for Nori's antics today. That'd probably be it.
'You should have seen Thorin's face when Dori carried you in.' Nori wasn't deterred by this and carried on regardless. 'Thought his heart would give out.'
Uh oh. Kate did not remember any of this, but it would go a long way in explaining why Thorin had been sending her worried glances over breakfast and why Dori had been almost gently telling her to take today off to regain her strength. Kate had told him in no uncertain terms where he could stick that proposal. Anyway, they would have an easy day. They would work until they had shoved the dragon down the stairs and then wait until the next day before they would resume dragging. Kate wasn't the only one who really wanted – and, all right, needed – a day off.
But spirits were high again today. Knowing that they were going to push Smaug down a flight of stairs intentionally had cheered everyone enormously. In a way the hardest part was done now. There would be no more stairs after this. There might be some obstacles in their way and a few turns in the road that were going to be an absolute hell, but they would not hold a candle to this very unique sort of nightmare.
'All right, lads, let's get to it.' Bofur all but skipped to his place, cutting Nori's teasing mercifully short.
Kate took her place next to him before anybody could stop her. 'Let's get this show on the road,' she agreed.
'Down the stairs is more like it,' Fíli observed.
She had joined the pushers today, more to make a point to Dori than out of an actual desire to be there. The smell was very bad indeed. It had been decidedly less noticeable with the draggers, which was why she'd worked there for days on end, she imagined. Well, screw them and their delicate female treatment. I'm not a bloody porcelain doll.
'Nice to see you back on arse-duty,' Glóin said. 'Does your brother know you're here?' He didn't need to specify which brother.
'He will soon enough.' And he was becoming a real bother. It would be so nice if he just got the message that she did not need constant supervision. Of course, she had hardly done herself any favours in that department last night.
Glóin grimaced.
But Dori was apparently on head-duty this morning and even though he was shouting loud enough to bring down the roof, Dwalin would not allow him to abandon his post to drag his headstrong sister out from behind the dragon. Thank God for small mercies.
It took only three hours to bring Smaug to the edge of the stairs and then those at the front joined those at the back to give him that final push.
Bilbo had gone to the front to keep them updated on how they were progressing. 'Nearly there,' he would tell them. 'Just a little bit further. You're close now. Yes, he's going!'
And so he was. Slowly, but surely Smaug started his descent down the stairs, speed increasing as he went. Unlike the first time he'd done this, it was incredibly satisfying to watch. It was a relief to let gravity and Smaug's own momentum do the job for them for a change. If they would have had to drag him, they would have needed an entire day for those stairs. And it just so happened that luck was on their side for a change, because the corpse didn't come to a halt until the far end of the hallway. He slowly lost speed until he almost gently came to a stop against a column. The column in question shook, but remained standing.
'That's almost two days' worth of dragging we won't have to do ourselves,' Bombur said. And he was right.
The cheering that started up at that announcement was loud enough to wake the dead.
Fortunately Smaug remained unmoving.
Day 14
The triumph of the previous day had disappeared as quickly as it had arrived. A long day of pushing and pulling would do that to anyone's temper and the general mood was gloomy and grumpy at the end of the day.
'Did you make progress today?' Thorin asked when they had returned to camp that night.
'Reasonable.' Even if it felt more and more like it was going to take forever. The feeling of optimism had been very short-lived. They had been at it for nearly two weeks now and they were maybe halfway. Of course, they'd lost two days on those wretched stairs, but still she felt as though they should have been nearly there by now.
Now she was lying in her bedroll feeling absolutely more miserable and far more sorry for herself than she knew she should be. She wasn't going to show that weakness in front of everybody else, though. She already was the weakest member of this company – point in case her passing out the day before yesterday – so she wouldn't go around advertising her misery. A voice in her head was already whispering something along the lines of "You are the weakest link, goodbye" and even though she did not want it to be true, she knew that it was. And if she for even a second would allow anyone to see that she did, Dori would jump on it. The last thing she wanted was for them to ban her from helping out entirely.
Thorin joined her and put an arm around her waist, drawing her closer.
'I wouldn't do that if I were you,' she warned him.
He frowned. 'Why not?'
'Because I stink of sweat and dead dragon.' If his nostrils hadn't provided him with this information already, there was something seriously wrong with his nose. It had been a while since she'd had the opportunity to wash and she reeked. 'Hardly the most fragrant scent.'
Thorin did not move. 'Are you well, Kate?' He must have heard her weariness in her voice, despite the care she took to conceal it.
'Just tired.' And these past few days she seemed to be exhausted all the bloody time. When they had returned to camp around midday yesterday she had made a beeline for her bedroll and hadn't woken up until breakfast the next day. It would have been lovely if it actually made a difference. But she didn't feel any fitter than she had before her ridiculously long beauty sleep. Much as she hated to admit it, Dori had a point when he told her she was fragile earlier today. Her tiredness combined with her irritation had led to a shouting match they would have been able to hear in Mirkwood, but that changed nothing about the truth of his words.
And Kate hated it.
'Then sleep,' he advised. It was not as if she could keep her eyes open anyway, but it felt nice to drift off when he was humming a song in her ear.
Day 15
Kate knew there was something wrong the moment she opened her eyes. Save for Thorin, the room was empty.
'Morning?' It was more of a question than a greeting.
'Afternoon,' he corrected her.
It took her sleepy brain maybe half a minute to process that information and reach a conclusion. 'Whose idea was this?'
'Balin's, I believe.' He was clever enough not to deny her what she wanted to know, though there was no doubt that he had actually given his seal of approval to this mad scheme.
You went behind my back. The words were on the tip of her tongue, but she bit them back at the last moment. She didn't want a row with him. If the decision had been up to him, he would probably have woken her, if only because that was what he would have wanted if he were in her place. No, she'd save her breath for the grand architect of this plot. It's turning into a bloody conspiracy.
'Good, then I'll know who to shout at.'
'They meant well.' Thorin would try to defend them of course. She hadn't expected any different.
'They should have asked.' She really hated to be excluded. And no matter what Dori and Balin had deluded themselves into thinking, she wasn't too weak to help. She certainly hadn't asked to be left behind. At the very least they could accept that she made her own decisions and it was not their right to make them for her.
'Aye, they should have.' It surprised her that he agreed with her, but then again, he would. If their positions had been reversed, he would have raised merry hell about it as well. 'But you do need sleep, Kate. You are exhausted. It is plain for all to see that this work is not suited to you.'
It really wasn't. 'This work isn't suited to anyone,' she pointed out. 'But it needs to be done. I'll sleep when it's done.' That attitude should not be strange to a dwarf. They lived to work. Thorin of all people should have sympathy, if not admiration, for what she was trying to do.
He has. He hasn't stopped me yet, after all.
'Very well.' He nodded.
Kate got up, located her boots and put them on her feet. 'Thank you.' She meant it from the bottom of her heart. 'Oh, if you hear anything, it's not the Mountain caving in.'
She was pleased when she saw a smile on his lips.
Day 16
'Left a bit!' Kate shouted at the draggers, wondering why Dwalin had thought it a marvellous idea to send her up here and oversee the difficult manoeuvre of turning Smaug left on the junction. Well, she knew why he was not letting her near the dragon. Because while she had been woken on time this morning, it was becoming very clear that they now all thought hard manual labour was a thing to be avoided where she was concerned.
'Just like that. Pushers, into position please!'
'I like her better than you, Dwalin,' Kíli informed him loudly, so that Kate could hear as well. 'At least she says please when she wants something.'
'Aye, but you'll do it whether she asks nicely or not,' Óin reminded him. 'Because I won't be doing this all alone, lad.'
Kate missed being down there, to actively partake in the bantering. It was hard to feel involved when she was standing so far away. Of course, someone needed to be here to keep sight of everything, but that had usually been Bilbo's job, with Dwalin issuing the actual orders.
Part of the reasoning behind this change was of course that she wouldn't be so tired anymore all the time. At least that bit was working out; she felt more alert than she had for days. It was a shame she couldn't turn that newfound energy into something productive. For as long as she was exiled to this remote spot, she was only in immediate danger of being bored out of her skull.
It was in no way an improvement, no matter what her brother might think.
But she was here and she had better make herself useful. This way she was contributing something instead of nothing. 'Okay, pushers, on my count. Three, two, one, push!'
Day 17
There were no corners today so Kate had quickly assessed where Dori was hanging out and had then joined to other team. Fortunately her brother was entirely dwarvish in his approach to work; once he got going there was no distracting him, provided Nori didn't do something monumentally stupid. Today Dori was with the draggers, possibly because he expected her to try her luck there, so Kate had quickly assigned herself arse-duty. She tied a scarf over the lower half of her face and joined her teammates.
'You're certain Dori hasn't seen you?' Glóin asked. 'I just don't want to hear any more of his complaining,' he clarified when all the others had been quick to look at him in surprise.
'Positive,' she promised. 'And he won't see me from where he is.' Stinking though it may be, there was no better thing to block one's view than a dead dragon. She just needed to make sure to keep her voice down and Dori would be none the wiser until it was all too late.
'Good to see you, Kate.' Ori loathed Dori's fussing as much as she did, if not more. Out of the three dwarves she could now call her brothers, he was definitely the one she liked hanging out with most. Dori had to be avoided for obvious reasons, especially now, and Nori could get very annoying very quickly. It was like he just couldn't help himself. It wasn't just his sticky fingers that was driving her up the wall sometimes, but his complete disregard for people's boundaries. And he never knew when to shut up either. Having said that, if he put the effort in, he could be remarkably pleasant company and he never failed to cheer her up when she was in the right mindset to be cheered.
'I'm pleased to be here,' she said, finding that she meant it. The work was hard, but at least she was part of it now, not just a passive spectator on the side-lines.
'That's because your nose stopped working overnight,' Fíli commented. 'Has to be.'
The smell was all but unbearable and it was still getting worse. But surprisingly it was also something she was starting to learn to ignore. She had dealt with Smaug for well over two weeks now. At the start of the day the smell would bother her most. It turned her stomach upside down and made her gag, but the longer she worked, the more she found it became part of the general background. She assumed it was much the same for everyone else; it had been at least a week since anybody had emptied the contents of their stomach on the floor.
'It's a reflex,' she informed her. 'Because I couldn't tell who reeked worse anymore: us or the dragon.'
'What I wouldn't give for a bath,' Glóin murmured, eyes glazing over as he presumably imagined himself up to the chin in nice warm water. 'It's good my wife can't see me now. She would never allow me near her.'
'Can't say I blame her,' said Bofur. 'I wouldn't have you near me either, but I'll be damned if I have to shift this dragon all by myself, so I'll suffer your presence for a little longer.'
'You're not exactly smelling of roses yourself, Bofur,' Kate reminded him.
'Ah, lass, you wound me!'
'Enough chatter!' Dwalin interrupted. 'Into positions!'
Day 18
'Quickly, Kate, get up his back. Your brother's coming!'
For heaven's sake! Dori was getting more suspicious by the hour. Of course, there had been a bit of scene last night when he had discovered she had spent the day working with the pushers. From the way he behaved it had been made it very clear he thought it had become her purpose in life to vex him.
And she wasn't about to let him catch her. Kate was never one for actively avoiding a confrontation, but arguments with Dori always followed the same pattern. It was tiring, neither of them would ever back down and it would all get far more nasty than Kate was prepared to deal with on an hourly basis.
So she followed Kíli's advice without hesitation. Over the past few weeks she'd had to clamber up Smaug's back numerous times to retie ropes or check if the chains were still secure, so it was not nearly so hard to do now as it had been at first. And a good thing it was, too, because Dori could be a fast dwarf if the situation asked for it.
She didn't stop climbing until she was sitting on top of Smaug's back. From up there she had a good view in every direction, so she could watch the confrontation unfolding below perfectly.
'Have you seen my sister?' Dori demanded, hands planted firmly in his side.
'Who, Kate?' Kíli, she was coming to see, couldn't lie to save his life. He was going to get her caught if he carried on like that.
'I have no other sister,' Dori informed him icily. 'Have you seen her?'
'Not since breakfast,' Bombur said. He didn't lie particularly well either; his face was as red as his hair. It was a dwarvish trait. They hated untruths. That they even bothered telling them for her sake moved her. Or else they really wanted Dori to just leave, preferably without one hell of a scene first.
Dori clearly recognised this for the lie it was, because he whipped out the finger and swung it under his nose. 'If I find out you have been harbouring her…'
Bombur did a step back, possibly to avoid having his eye poked out by accident.
'Harbouring?' Nori asked interestedly. 'Is she a fugitive? What laws has she broken? Someone ought to tell Thorin. He's a right to know he's about to throw his lot in with a criminal.'
'Didn't know Kate went in for that sort of thing,' Fíli chimed in. 'Thought she was more the law-abiding sort. What laws did she break anyway?'
'All the laws of simple common sense, to begin with,' Dori grumbled.
'In short, all of your rules,' Nori translated.
He'd definitely drawn Dori's fire – and his ire – now; the finger moved till it was under his nose. Bombur breathed a sigh of relief. 'Did you put her up to this? All this…' He threw his hands up in the air while he searched for the right word. 'All this defiance!'
'So a child as well as a criminal, is she? Are you her mother now?' Nori never passed up an opportunity to provoke his older brother a little more. It was working; Dori looked like he was about to have a stroke.
Glóin broke it up before his blood pressure could reach critical levels. 'As you can see, your sister isn't here and she isn't small enough to fit into my coat pocket.' His temper was easily roused on a good day. This was not shaping up to be one of those.
Dori looked around one last time – and completely failed to look upward – and then stomped off.
The dragon was pushed forward before she had the chance to get off.
Day 19
'I spy…'
'Not again, lad.'
'Really, this again?'
'Oh, I'll play. Not much else to do, is there?'
'Apart from dragging the dragon, of course.'
'We need entertaining while we are dragging.'
'True. I'll play. What about you, Mr Baggins?'
A short silence. 'Oh, why not.'
'Seriously, Bilbo? You as well?'
'Someone kill me now.'
Day 20
'Isn't that Thorin over there?'
Kate turned her head to follow Bilbo's pointing finger so fast she almost got dizzy. But he was right. Somewhere above them on a little balcony overlooking the hallway was Thorin. He'd been getting ever more antsy these past few days and she supposed it had only been a matter of time before he disregarded Óin's advice entirely.
'Yes, it is,' she confirmed.
Now Dwalin looked up as well. 'So it is.' He didn't necessarily sound any more pleased about this than Kate, but she also knew there was no way in hell he was ever going to send his friend and king back to camp, so he could sit down and basically just do what the doctor ordered.
'Well, so long as he stays there and doesn't attempt to actually help us, I'm sure Óin won't drag him away by the back of his coat,' she said reasonably. After all, it had been three weeks since Smaug died – of course she'd kept count, thank you very much – and he was on the mend. It would be even better if he gave it a little more time, but she also knew to keep her goals somewhat realistic.
Soon enough just watching them work was probably not enough anymore, but for now at least he seemed content just to be there. Maybe he wants to be included, the way I do, she thought, remembering her short-lived career as an overseer.
Dwalin accepted this reasoning and even nodded at her. 'Good. Back to work. Break's over.'
The company hoisted themselves to their feet again and took up positions. Dori sent one overly exasperated look in Kate's direction, but was wise enough to leave it at that. Maybe he had at last realised that trying to keep her away was only going to make her more determined to stay. And perhaps his frayed nerves had been calmed a little since she hadn't passed out since that one time. At any rate, he didn't even make a fuss anymore when she joined the pushers.
'Ready for another round?' Ori asked. He looked at his hands. He'd spent the previous day on head-duty with Kate and both their hands were a little raw from all the dragging, since neither of them were used to such work.
'Well, my hands appreciate a break from the dragging,' she replied. 'Although I'm not sure my nose agrees.'
Somewhere in front of them Kíli suddenly rediscovered old MacDonald and his farm.
'But look at it from the bright side,' Bilbo said cheerfully. 'They'll be hearing that much better over there.'
It was hard to argue with that.
Day 21
'Kate, would you mind climbing up on the dragon to secure that chain?' Balin asked. 'These old feet are not so nimble anymore as they used to be.'
Kate took that statement for all that it was worth, which wasn't much. She went all the same. At least when someone had to go up and stay there for a while, it was better if it was someone who did not weigh very much, so they wouldn't make the burden heavier on the pushers and draggers down below. And it happened often enough that she had to go up, either to secure chains and ropes or to see where Smaug got stuck, because that had happened more than once before. Of course, from Dori's perspective this task had the added benefit of keeping her away from the real hard work.
She climbed up and secured the chain, shaking her head at the state of it. The work of dwarves was sturdy, made to last. But these chains were old and had never been designed for the purpose they were now used for.
'This one won't hold much longer,' she reported. They had left a breadcrumb trail of broken equipment all the way back to the treasury – handy for if she ever got lost, although she was sure she'd never forget these corridors for as long as she lived – and they were constantly adding to it.
'We replaced that one two days ago!' Bofur cried incredulously.
'I think it took a beating when Smaug got stuck yesterday.' How this monster had ever made his way around Erebor was still something of a mystery. Many of the corridors and especially the doorways had not been made with creatures of this size in mind. He had made some of the passages bigger to suit him, hence the rubble that could be found everywhere, but evidently not all of them, because they kept having this issue. 'This one's a goner. We'd better replace it now before it breaks while we're moving.'
It would mean at least an hour's delay and by now nobody was in the mood for any more of those.
'I'll bring you up another,' Nori offered. 'Just wait a minute.'
He was as good as his word and he was quick about it too. All of them had some skills in dragon climbing by now and Nori was particularly good at it.
'There you go, sister of mine.' He turned up the charm a notch.
She repaid him in kind. 'Thank you, brother dearest. Mind giving me a hand?'
'Let's have at it.' He gave a disgusted look at the worn-out chain. 'We can toss this one out, that's for sure.'
'My thoughts exactly. Here, can you hold that still for me?' The more they did it, the easier the whole process of detaching and re-attaching became. It was not something Kate had ever imagined she'd be any good at; she'd always failed rather miserably at any and all attempts at DIY.
'You're getting good at this,' Nori observed.
Kate shrugged. 'I suspect there wasn't much choice.'
'Well, good work deserves fair pay,' Nori declared. He looked around and then tugged what looked like a sapphire on a necklace free from between the scales. 'Catch, Kate.'
Her reflexes were fast enough to catch it before it hit her square in the face. 'That's not yours,' she felt inclined to remind him.
'Of course not. It's yours now.'
That wasn't entirely what she meant.
'Just say I pick and choose my own share of the treasure,' he suggested. 'And this beast is a moving jeweller's shop anyway.'
He wasn't wrong about that. Over the past few weeks they had dislodged riches beyond imagining from between his scales. This gives a whole new meaning to rolling naked in money, Kate thought wryly. All these riches had gotten stuck in Smaug's armour and had become a part of him.
'Mind you, I'd give the necklace a scrub before you wear it,' he counselled. 'It has the dragon's stink all over it.'
She laughed and for once decided not to fight Nori on it. He may be a kleptomaniac, but he kept very little of what he nicked for himself. Most of it was promptly delivered to his family. And technically he wasn't really wrong about taking shares of the treasure. She slipped the necklace into her pocket and pretended she didn't see his delighted smile.
'Well, so do we,' she said.
She let him help her off the dragon. He really wasn't all that bad, this brother of hers.
Day 22
'It's a good thing this is the last corner,' Bofur grumbled.
Kate privately agreed, but at least the end was in sight now. Once they rounded this corner, it would only be two or three days more until they reached the front gate. And then Smaug would at least be out of the Mountain. And what they would do with him then was a matter to be considered… well, later. So long as it didn't involve any more dragging Kate would count herself lucky.
Pushing Smaug around a corner took up all day. It was hard, frustrating work and it always felt as though they were getting nowhere. But it had to be done.
'Well, we're nearly done now.' Balin had followed her train of thought. 'It'd be a good thing to get this smell out of our nostrils.'
'Not arguing with you there,' Kate said. 'Oh, what I wouldn't give for a hot shower right now.' She missed modern appliances. The shower was just one of those things. Central heating was a close second on her little list, closely followed by the Internet. Who knows, somebody might have put up an instructional YouTube video entitled: How to Remove a Dragon from Your Mountain in Ten Easy Steps.
'Funny sort of rain you have in your world,' Bofur remarked, completely misunderstanding her remark. 'It's not cold where you're from?'
Kate realised her mistake of course as soon as the words had left her mouth, but by then there was no taking them back. It took her a while to explain how bathrooms functioned where she used to live, but at least it killed some time.
Day 23
'This is ridiculous.'
'Well, we can hardly leave all that treasure stuck in between his scales now, can we?'
'I mean, anyone could take it.'
'Of course, they'd have to cut off their noses first, but you'd be surprised what some folk would do for riches.'
'Yes, I think I'm looking at some of them now.'
'Lass, just appreciate that we don't have to drag for a change. And it's better to do this now than when he's outside, 'cause then we'd have to do it in the cold.'
'Look, lads, I've found another earring! Think it matches the one Glóin found this morning?'
'Oi, Glóin, show that earring, will you? We might have a set.'
'Yeah, and then I'll never see it again. I wasn't born yesterday, Master Nori. We will look at it tonight, when there's more folk watching your quick fingers than just me.'
'Your lack of faith wounds me.'
'Better safe than sorry. That's my motto.'
'Best motto ever invented. Well, Mr Baggins, what in Durin's name are you doing?'
'There's something stuck between his teeth. I am trying to dislodge it, as I am sure you've observed.'
'Careful, burglar. There's no telling if those teeth are venomous.'
'You'll have noticed that I am wearing gloves for exactly that reason, thank you very much. And I would really appreciate it if somebody would lend me a hand.'
'On my way. Oh, that looks big. What'd you reckon it is?'
'I don't know and I don't particularly care to find out. As you'll recall, I was not in favour of doing this today.' The next words were rather muffled, but the words 'dwarves,' 'waste of time,' and 'stubborn' were audible.
'Hear, hear.'
'Oh, that's stuck, all right. Anyone got an axe? I think we might need it.'
'Nonsense, it can't be as stuck as all that. Here, let me have a go… Oh, that's not coming loose in a hurry.'
'We could always try together. And we've still got our own burglar here. Come on, Mr Baggins, give us a hand.'
'Two dwarves and a hobbit played dentist to a dragon. This sounds like the beginning of a very bad joke.'
'Lads, I think I felt it move. Yes, yes, there it goes. Ouch.'
'I think your joke ends with all three of them on their arses, Kate.'
'Well, you can laugh all you like, but look what we've found. Doesn't look too shabby, does it?'
'Well, will you look at that!'
'Huh. Did you just pull out one of his teeth?'
Day 24
Bilbo looked uneasily at the object Fíli presented to him as though it could jump at him and bite him at any given moment. True, four weeks ago it would have done exactly that if he'd been so foolish as to try and get a closer look. Today however it was mostly harmless.
'Come on, Mr Bilbo, you've earned it fair and square,' Balin encouraged him. 'It takes a brave soul to go so near a dragon's mouth, even a dead one.'
'And you're a true burglar now,' Ori pointed out. 'You stole treasure from between his teeth!'
'And then you took a tooth as a trophy,' Glóin finished.
'You deserve it,' Dwalin agreed. 'So take it, Master Burglar.'
'And then we can all get back to work,' Fíli told him. He was still holding out the tooth on his hands like it was a sword he presented for inspection. It could be used as one, come to think of it. The point looked like it could skewer a horse in a heartbeat.
The burglar in question did not appear entirely convinced. It was a strange sort of gift. It would be to anyone who wasn't a dwarf anyway. But Kate was starting to puzzle these dwarves out at last. And this gift was a mark of both appreciation and respect. Unfortunately, since they did not explain this, something got lost in translation. And she wasn't sure how to explain it to Bilbo either.
'Just take it, Bilbo,' she counselled him. 'It's a reminder of your bravery.'
Bilbo clearly did not think he had been especially brave. 'It came out by accident!'
'Well, you came awfully close to his mouth before, when you kept him distracted so that Thorin and Kíli could kill him. And if that isn't bravery, I don't know what is.' There, that should make some sense to him.
It did. 'Well, thank you all.' He hesitantly held out his hands and Fíli almost reverently placed the tooth in them. It was easily as long as one of Kate's legs and heavy too from the looks of it. 'I… eh… I appreciate it very much.'
The dwarves ignored the stammering and took it as if they had never been better thanked in all their lives, clapping him on the shoulder and laughing. Even though Bilbo had started out as the strange, fussy hobbit the wizard insisted on bringing along, he had very much carved out a place of his own. It remained to be seen how comfortable he was with it, but from the dwarves' perspective, he very much belonged now.
'Right, back to work,' Dwalin said over Fíli's offer to make a hilt for the tooth so that Bilbo could use it as a sword. 'Or there'll be one more day of this and none of you want that, do you?'
That was the trick to get everybody to focus and they all took their places for another day of hard work. They made considerable progress and by the end of the day everybody was quite convinced that the next day would finally see an end to their labours.
Day 25
Even though there was still a full day's work to be done, everyone set out to work in a good humour. Bofur was whistling and there was laughing and chatting all around. Of course, there was not much of any of that when they actually got started. Very few people would have enough breath to do this kind of work and chat at the same time.
But it went quicker today than it had in the days before. Or maybe it just felt like that because they were so close now.
They managed to get the corpse up to the front gate before they took a lunchbreak and then after finally they could bring it outside.
'Ah, Kate, do you smell that?' Nori called, when only Smaug's hindquarters remained inside.
Kate arched an eyebrow at him. 'Smell what? Dead dragon?'
'No, you fool, fresh air. Nice, clean, freezing air!'
She laughed along with him. Soon enough she would probably be too cold to appreciate it, but for now the wind felt like a long-lost friend. She hadn't realised how stuffy the Mountain was until she felt the wind on her face again.
'Come on.' Nori clearly had an idea, because he first took her hand, then Ori's and pulled them along with him, up onto the dragon's back.
'What are we doing?' She felt like they were doing something silly, but then, they were all a little overenthusiastic today. After all these weeks, they maybe had earned the right to be.
'Getting out of the stink, of course,' Nori said as if it was perfectly obvious.
It felt like the kind of odd and impulsive thing she used to do as a girl. But the girl in her had disappeared somewhere along the road to Erebor and Kate had barely been able to find any trace of her since.
But today is a victory of sorts, she thought. I might as well.
And it was more of a victory than many of the company knew. The dragon had been slain, Lake-town was still there, Thorin hadn't shown any signs of madness and from what she knew there wasn't any reason to suspect a siege in the near future. Smaug hadn't laid waste to anything, so why should there be?
I might have actually done it, she thought. She was almost scared of the thought. To have achieved such a success was dazzling, a feeling that made her feel like she was a little tipsy. One could get drunk on it if one wasn't careful. You've got the strange, fanciful notions already, her brain supplied.
Nori was right this once; the fresh air was so much nicer from atop the dragon's back. It was cold and chilly, but so, so lovely after all these weeks.
'How's the view from up there?' Glóin called up. 'Any good?'
'The view's shit,' Ori reported, prompting a indignant muttering of Dori on the subject of bad language and the many questionable influences in this company on young, naïve dwarves. 'But you should try the air,' he added, pretending he hadn't heard his brother, something that was decidedly easier to accomplish when one wasn't in his immediate vicinity.
'Well, I would,' Glóin replied. 'But unlike you lazybones I'll wait until the work has been done before I seek to entertain myself. Come down and finish the job, will you?'
It was tempting to stay up there, but Glóin was right. And it would be foolish to still be at it after sundown all because they wanted a breath of clean air for a change.
So they came down and resumed work. And they had luck on their side for once. Even though many of the chains were in a sorry state of repair, none broke until they were done. Only then the chains securing Smaug's left wing to his body gave out at last.
'Well, we could tie that back up, I suppose,' said Bilbo, not sounding very pleased.
'We might as well leave it until we've decided what we're going to do with him now,' Bombur said.
'It'll keep the wind out,' Óin observed and since everyone considered this as his expert medical opinion, nobody went against it.
'So, we're done then.' It felt a little more real now that she had finally said it. It wasn't really done before. Of course, this was the kind of occasion that needed to be marked in some way, even if only by a verbal acknowledgement.
'Done,' Dwalin agreed.
'You know what?' Kíli said suddenly. 'This was fun. We should do it again sometime.'
'…'
FYI, there is in fact no YouTube video entitled How to Remove a Dragon from Your Mountain in Ten Easy Steps, just in case anybody was about to go and look for it. :) I tried to keep in bits and pieces of realism, which is really hard when it's a chapter about this subject, so I hope it all worked.
As always, thank you for reading. Reviews would be much appreciated. I'm curious to know what you thought of this one.