"So it's not aliens then?" Rimmer asked Holly.

"No, they're from Earth," Holly replied. "Hope they've got some spare odds and sods on board. We're a bit short on a few supplies."

"Like what?" Kochanski asked.

"Well, cow's milk, for a start. Ran out of that yonks ago."

"What kind of milk are we using now?"

"We're on the emergency backup supply. We're on the dog's milk now."

All three crewmembers froze where they stood, a distinct feeling of mutual disgust flooding through their systems.

"Dog's milk?" Rimmer asked balefully.

"Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly… Lasts longer than any kind of milk, dog's milk."

"Why's that?"

"No bugger will drink it. Plus, the advantage of dog's milk is that when it goes off, it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh."

Rimmer and the Cat looked at each other, remember having milk on their cereal that morning. "Why didn't you tell us, Holly?" Rimmer demanded.

"What and spoil your breakfast?"

Everyone groaned.

"Hang on – we've got contact."

"Punch it up."

Holly's visage was replaced with a mechanoid with an angular face and a plastic butler's uniform. "Thank goodness!" he exclaimed. "My name is Kryten. I'm the service mechanoid aboard the Nova 5. We've had a terrible accident. Only three officers survived. They are injured but stable. Transmitting medical details now."

Three female faces flitted across the screen, complete with medical faces.

Rimmer and the Cat both looked rather excited now. "They're females," Cat murmured, sniffing the screen. "All of 'em – soft and squidgy!"

Before Kochanski could say anything, Rimmer stepped forward, smoothing out his hair. "Tell them we're coming aboard!" he announced. "By god, we'll rescue these fair blooms or my name's not Captain AJ Rimmer – Space Adventurer!"

Kryten's face returned briefly. "Thank you, Captain Rimmer! We await your arrival eagerly!" he said happily as he dissolved into static.

Kochanski raised an eyebrow at Rimmer. "Space Adventurer? Captain?"

Rimmer tried to look nonchalant. "Well, what was I supposed to say? 'Fear not, I'm the bloke who used to clean the gunk out of the chicken soup machine! Actually, I know sod all about space travel, but if you've got a blocked nozzle, I'm your lad!' That'll have them brimming with confidence, won't it?"

"And the fact that I'm a navigation officer would've meant nothing to them?"

"Of course not! But I wanted to make a good first impression!"

Cat ignored them. "Hey, Head! How long before we get there?"

Holly pretended to think about it. "I'd say about twenty-four hours," he said because it sounded good.

"Only twenty-four hours?! I'd better start getting ready! Dibs on the shower room!" he cried, dancing and jiving away. "I'm so excited all six of my nipples are tingling!" And he was gone.

Kochanski glared after him before redirecting her icy eyes at Rimmer. "What is the matter with you two? We're on a mission of mercy. We're bringing them urgently need medical supplies. We're not going down the disco on the pull, got it?"

"Yes, ma'am," Rimmer replied with a placating smile. "You're in charge, ma'am. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to prepare for the fact that I'm the only human man alive and there are women who are alone and vulnerable."

And he raced off in the direction the Cat had gone.

Kochanski shook her head, marveling at how quickly he had been reduced to a randy teenager in just a few short seconds.

She found him the next day coming out of the ship's uniform store. He was wearing an immaculate white officer's uniform, complete with jacket and cap, and he had put some medals on as well.

"Oh my god…," she said, laughing into her hand. "What on Earth do we have here?"

Rimmer looked at her in the mirror he was posing in front of. "Gotta look the part, haven't I?" he smirked.

"Clive of India, I presume?"

"Stop it."

"You invite mockery, Rimmer – you always have."

"Yes, about that – why don't we keep the mockery to a minimum down there, shall we?"

Kochanski arched an eyebrow. They'd been in deep space for two months now, and they'd worked up a perfectly good routine of sniping at each other from time to time. To break that up for the sake of trip to 'totty-land' struck as greatly unreasonable.

Rimmer elaborated. "Look, whenever Lister and I met women, he would also make me look bad so he could look good. We once met two girls from the stores department, and I told them I used to work in the stores, and they were very interested and asked what I did… Lister said I was shelf."

Kochanski chuckled. That was definitely something Lister would say.

"And they laughed at me, and he went off with both of them," Rimmer continued with irritation in his voice.

That sounded like Lister, too. "Oh, come on, Rimmer…"

"He did!"

"I'm sure he did. Look, I promise I'll lay off the insults while we're down there. But once we're back up here, I'm letting lose."

Rimmer bit his lip as he considered. "Okay, fine," he said at last. "… I don't suppose there's any chance you could call me by a fond nickname, could you? Ace? Big Man? Iron Balls?'

Kochanski spluttered with laughter. "Iron Balls?!"

"No good?"

"Very much no good."

Rimmer hung his head, feeling his cheeks reddening. "Yes, well… It always sounded good to me…"

"You're pushing it, Rimmer. You're lucky I'm letting you call yourself 'Captain AJ'."

"Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am."

"You're going to have to 'fess up as soon as we get down there."

Rimmer pouted. "Oh, come on…"

"Mr. Rimmer…," she said authoritatively.

He backpedaled quickly. "Er… I mean… Yes, ma'am! Right away, ma'am!"

"Good. Now let's go get to Blue Midget and meet with the Cat."

"Yes, ma'am! Going to Blue Midget, ma'am! Right away, ma'am!" he said, saluting smartly and marching off down the corridor for the Landing Gantry.

Kochanski shook her head and followed him. "He is too easy…," she said with a small smile.