Rimmer and Cat were sat down in Blue Midget's cockpit. Kochanski was issuing instructions as they worked the controls. "Okay, boys, a few ground rules," she announced. "No flirting outside the bounds of polite conversation. Tending to their injuries is the first priority. Rimmer – no Esperanto. You can't speak it, and you're even worse at faking it. Cat – don't have sex with anyone at the dinner table."

"Yes, ma'am," Rimmer grumbled, struggling with the pilot's controls, wishing this ship-to-surface shuttle had been an automatic like Starbug. He struggled to put the poor ship into twenty-seventh gear. He preferred automobiles and motorbikes.

Cat was surprisingly helpful with his own control panels, working the switches instinctively, as if he knew which ones would be needed before they were needed. "I make no promises, Officer Bud Babe," he replied smoothly.

"I just want us all to remember that this is a mission to help these people. Trumpeting your sperm count needs to come secondary to that."

Holly appeared on the monitor. "All right, dudes – we're nearly there. I'll help you bring 'er around, Arnold."

"Thanks, Hol," Rimmer replied gratefully.

Kochanski squinted at Holly's face. Something was different. "Holly, what on Earth is that?"

"What? What is it?"

"Oh my god, you're wearing a toupee!"

"What toupee?"

"The one on your head!"

"Whose head's that then?"

"Holly, get rid of it! That's an order! You're a computer! Who're you trying to impress?"

Holly looked embarrassed. He un-corrupted his image, causing the offending rug to fade away. "Just wanted to look my best," he said awkwardly.

"Don't feel bad, Holly," Rimmer sighed. "If there were a handsome hunk of male cosmonaut down there, you can bet she'd be asking you to give her a low-cut blouse with lace undergarments and a tasteful blonde undercarriage."

Kochanski gasped in shock at Rimmer's remarks and tried to slap the back of his head, but alas, her hand passed through, and he remained unaware.

Eventually, they finally brought the ship in for a landing alongside. Rimmer and Cat donned their spacesuits and made their way down the embarkation ramp, following Kochanski's lead. They made their way across the icy crater and soon arrived in the airlock.

They were greeted by the angular-faced mechanoid, Kryten. His lipless mouth crinkled into a plastic smile as he let them in. "Oh, hello!" he exclaimed pleasantly. "How wonderful to meet you! I'm Kryten – we spoke on the view screen."

"Pleasure to meet you, Kryten," Kochanski said pleasantly, nodding in lieu of a handshake. "Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski."

"Oh, hello, ma'am! The pleasure's all mine," he replied before addressing Rimmer. "Ah! Captain Rimmer!"

Rimmer winced, shaking the mechanoid's hand. "Er, Second Tech Rimmer, actually," he found himself admitting. "But due to the fact that it's just the three of us, we're fairly lax with the regulations, aren't we, Miss Kochanski, ma'am?"

She smirked, relieved he wasn't maintaining any illusions he was in charge. "Indeed, Mr. Rimmer," she said smoothly before introducing the third member of their party. "And this is the Cat. He's… a cat."

"Indeed? Fascinating! Delighted to meet you, Mr Cat!"

Cat flashed a winning smile. "Glad to be here, Bud! Where're the ladies?"

"This way, please."

They followed the mechanoid up the incline of the crashed ship.

"Thanks for going along with it, Miss Kochanski," Rimmer whispered gratefully, relieved the spacesuit disguised how overdressed he was. "And… I'm sorry about the crack in Blue Midget."

Kochanski smirked. "Not to worry, Rimmer. I'll just make you lag the sewers with your toothbrush when we get back," she replied pleasantly.

Rimmer squeezed his eyes shut. "… Yes, ma'am," he grunted.

Naturally, she wasn't going to hold him to it. She just wanted to see if he'd try to weasel out of it.

They walked along, chatting with Kryten and dragging the Cat away from a mirror. It was a nice enough ship, light years ahead of anything Red Dwarf had, although the engines on the Duality Jump Drive had been totaled in the crash beyond repair.

However, the biggest shock was when they came into the galley and found three smiling skeleton all dressed up in women's clothes seated around the table.

Rimmer's smile never fell, but his entire face sagged. Kochanski's hands went to her mouth in horror. Cat was the picture of disappointment.

Only Kryten seemed cheerful, although he seemed concerned by their reactions. "Well? Isn't anyone going to say 'hello'?"

Kochanski looked at him incredulously, throwing a questioning glance at Rimmer, who merely shrugged helplessly. "Er… Hello!" she said awkwardly. "I'm… Kriss… This is the Cat… And he's Ace."

Rimmer glared at the back of her head.

Kryten smiled, placated. "Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted," he said happily, making the climb up the slanted floor to the galley in the next room.

Cat flashed a winning smile at the nearest skeleton. "Hi, baby!"

"Oh my god," Kochanski murmured.

"I don't believe this," Rimmer groaned. "Our first intelligent contact in three million years, and it's the android version of Norman Bates!"

Kochanski hugged herself, trying to remain calm. "You don't think…"

"Think what?"

"You don't think… he… killed them, do you?"

Rimmer boggled. "What? Him? The droid who's been dressing up and probably bathing a bunch of skeletons like this for god knows how long? Of course he did it! Let's get out of here!"

Cat stayed put. "Okay, so they're a little on the skinny side…," he protested.

"Rimmer, get back here! That's an order!"

There was a brief pause, and then Rimmer nervously walked back into the room.

"We don't know if he killed them. I was just extemporizing. We can't leave until we know what happened here."

"Why not?"

"Because… Oh, I don't know! We just need to figure this out! We can't just up and leave!"

At that moment, Kryten came waddling back in with a trolley carrying tea and sandwiches. He was already pouring the third cup when he realized no one was speaking. He looked at the apparently disturbed people staring at him incredulously from the other end of the table. "… Is anything the matter?" he asked casually.

Rimmer's incredulity only increased. "Anything the matter? They're dead!"

"Who's dead?"

"They. Are. Dead. They're all dead."

Kryten looked at the three skeletons and backed away in horror. "My god…! But I was only away two minutes!"

"They've been dead for centuries!"

"Are you a doctor?"

"You've only got to look at them! They've got less meat on them than a chicken nugget!"

Kryten stammered, horrified by what was happening. "B-b-but what am I going to do? I'm programmed to serve them!"

"Well, maybe we could bury them…," Kochanski suggested.

"You're that sure they're dead?"

"Yes!" Rimmer snapped in exasperation.

Kryten pointed to the brunette skeleton. "What about this one?"

Rimmer finally took center stage. "Okay, you know what? There's a very easy test we can try." He addressed the skeletons. "All right, girls! Hands up all of you who are alive!"

Kryten eagerly waved on all the skeletons, but they didn't budge.

Rimmer sighed. "Okay?"

The mechanoid looked so small and lost in that moment. He looked forlornly amongst the dead crew. "I… don't know what… I mean… That is to say… I failed them so badly… I just thought…"

Finally, he gave up on speaking and just cleared a small section of the dining table, and to their surprise, he took out a small screwdriver and used to disconnect his other arm.

"What are you doing?" Kochanski asked in alarm.

"They're dead. I have no purpose now. I was programmed to serve them. Now the program is complete. I must terminate myself."

"No! Stop! Wait a minute!" But she was powerless to stop him. She looked over at Rimmer, who was looking rather bored now, and Cat, who was now eating the food. "One of you! Stop him!"

Rimmer looked confused. "Why? What's the point?"

"Well, we can't just let him shut himself down! Not like this!"

"How else should he do it?"

Cat finally spoke up. "This is good chicken, man!"

"Oh, thank you, sir," Kryten replied as he set his arm down and proceeded to unscrew his head. "I used an old Caribbean recipe. I'm glad you like it."

Rimmer shrugged. "Well, that raised his spirits. Shall we…?"

She glared at him.

"No, then?"

"Rimmer, stop him, and that's an order."

Rimmer groaned unhappily, but in his own warped way of thinking, he figured he had no choice in the matter. He walked over to the mechanoid as he continued to disassemble himself, setting the head down on the table.

"Kryten…," he said, talking at first to the still-working body, and then addressing the head on the table. "Kryten, there's no need for this."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Rimmer, sir," he sighed. "I am now surplus to requirement. My power supply would only drain the much-needed battery power."

"Well, who needs it? We're not staying, and they certainly don't need it."

"… True, I suppose…"

"Look, Kryten, you're programmed to obey and do menial tasks. Well, good news – we've got plenty of menial tasks on Red Dwarf. Why don't you come with us?"

Kryten's remaining arm stopped disassembling himself, and the eyes in his disembodied head rolled in Rimmer's direction. "Sir? Come with you? But I… I really shouldn't…"

Rimmer rolled his eyes in frustration. "Look, you can either sit here in pieces and rot with your shipmates, or you can come with us and mop the floors and make us tea. What's it going to be?"

Kochanski sighed. "You're not cut out for writing greeting cards, are you, Rimmer?"

He scowled at her, but Kryten was clearly considering it. "Well…," his head said. "I… I suppose that does sound like a nice enough offer… I do enjoy cleaning and cooking… it's great fun…"

Rimmer felt the beginnings of a grin form on his face. "So what do you say?"

A few seconds later, the single arm started putting Kryten's bits and bobs back together, and within half an hour, he was back together again and heading back to acquire his spare parts and various knickknacks, not to mention his complete collection of a soap opera, Androids.

"Happy now?" Rimmer sneered at Kochanski.

She sneered back in response. "Come on. We're going to start salvaging whatever we can from this ship. Holly – how long do you think that'll take?" she asked into the wristwatch Rimmer was wearing.

"If we get all the Starbugs and Blue Midgets working at full pelt, about a month," Holly replied.

"Good. Let's get to work. First things first – cow's milk. Let's find the damn stuff."