Rimmer held the photograph in silent contemplation. It was a wedding photograph. The wedding was clearly between Lister and Kochanski. How the hell was it possible? Kochanski didn't know. Holly didn't know. What possible answer was there? She'd found the photo amongst her own possessions while she was cleaning out her quarters, and she'd been absolutely stunned. There was a veil over her forehead, so they couldn't tell if she was human or not. Lister was wearing a rather rubbish beard. They didn't look much older than they'd originally been.
Holly had taken a scan of the photo and managed to uncover the date stamp, so they trawled their diaries for the date. Maybe something had happened that enabled them to travel back in time. They studied the diaries carefully until they finally found something in Rimmer's that made them curious.
Stasis Leak – Floor 16
After Holly somewhat confirmed he didn't know what that was, they all decided to take a field trip down to Floor 16 to find out for themselves. After two hours of lift travel, they stepped out and made their way down the corridor with Kryten leading the way with a portable device he referred to as a 'psi-scan'.
"Picking up strange energy fluctuations down this corridor," he announced.
They followed closely until they rounded a corner, and they saw a strange pulsating glow come from the wall.
"Is this a stasis leak?" Kochanski asked.
"Very possibly, ma'am."
"So what do we do?" Cat asked.
"One of us should take a look inside," Rimmer suggested.
They all nodded in agreement, and after a moment's debilitation, Rimmer and Cat agreed that Kryten should be the one to investigate, so they both took one of his shoulders and shoved him into the portal, much to Kochanski's annoyance. When the mech poked his angular head through the door a few seconds later, he confirmed it was safe, and Kochanski followed him inside, followed by Cat, and then a very reluctant Rimmer.
They materialized in a men's showers, standing in one of the stalls. They looked around in fascination.
"What is it?" Cat asked.
"It's a… rent in space/time continuum," Rimmer said, hoping he sounded somewhat sure of himself.
Cat turned to Kochanski. "What is it?"
Kochanski thought for a moment. "Well… a stasis booth freezes time, so a leak must mean it's leaking the time it preserved, and it's leaking into… the gents, I suppose…"
Cat turned to Kryten. "What is it?"
"It's a singularity, sir. A point where the normal laws of the universe don't apply."
Cat turned back to Rimmer. "What is it?"
Rimmer scowled. "Magic door."
"Oh! Well, why didn't you say?"
Kryten noted a digital calendar display on the wall over a mirror. "The date is March the twenty-second."
Kochanski's memory pulled up a file. "That's three weeks before the crew was wiped out."
She looked to Rimmer for his agreement, but he was looking straight ahead, slightly mortified. They all followed his gaze and saw a man in his underclothes waiting to use the shower they were standing in. He looked decidedly nonplussed.
Not sure what else to do, Rimmer gave an explanation. "Sorry, this one's occupied," he said, hurriedly drawing the curtains around them all.
Kochanski looked excited. "Do you think we can bring anyone back?"
Realizing the opportunities being presented to them, Rimmer snatched up a bar of soap to test it. They all stepped back through the portal and re-entered the future, and to their disappointment, the soap had been reduced to a pile of three-million-year-old dust that fell through his fingers.
Kryten resisted the urge to sweep so as to give an explanation. "It seems the effects of travelling into the future causes time to catch up with anything that passes through the portal."
"Well, that's shagged that then," Rimmer sighed, dusting his fingers.
For once perceptive of someone else's feelings, Cat noticed the disappointed look in Kochanski's eyes. "Who were you thinking of bringing back?"
Kochanski shrugged awkwardly. "Well… me."
"And leave you for butterpat head to sweep up?"
Kryten looked a tad disturbed. "Ma'am, I assure you – I would use only the best dustpans for you."
Smiling bitterly, Kochanski turned and headed back up the corridor towards the lift. The others followed silently. They stepped back into the lift and settled themselves in for the long ride back up.
About thirty minutes into the trip, Kochanski finally spoke again. "How am I supposed to be married to Lister? You saw the photograph!"
Rimmer nodded and pulled it out. "Well, I'm all in favor of reducing Lister to a pile of talcum powder, but I think we can do better than that."
"The only alternative is that I go back in time and stay, but I'd have to watch everyone die, including myself, three weeks later."
"Kind of a mood-killer," Cat agreed.
"So what now?" Rimmer asked.
Kochanski thought for a long time, but she came up empty. However, she noticed Kryten squirming a bit in his seat, looking like he had something on his mind.
"Penny for them, Kryten?" she asked.
Realizing all eyes were on him now, the mech looked all the more embarrassed. "Oh, it's nothing, ma'am."
"Really? Because you looked like you wanted to say something."
"I'm only a cleaning droid, ma'am. I have nothing of any worth to say."
"Kryten, you may be a cleaning droid, but we're all a team. If you have something relevant to say, then by all means, say it."
Kryten shifted a bit, but he gathered his digital courage and spoke. "Well, I seem to recall there's more than one stasis booth. If we could go back and encourage the Mr Lister of the past to use the stasis booth, he could survive the accident, and we could let him out later."
Kochanski stared at him for a long moment. Then she began to jump up and down around the lift joyously. "Kryten, that's brilliant! That's genius! We can go back and save him!"
"Oh joy of joys," Rimmer said sardonically, slumping in his seat.
Kryten looked incredibly embarrassed of all the praise he was getting. "Oh, ma'am, I'm a mere mechanoid…"
"A bloody brilliant mechanoid!" Kochanski declared. She yelled up at the ceiling. "Holly! Stop the lift! We're going back to Floor 16!"
The lift shuddered to a halt and made the decent again.
"Great," Cat grumbled. "We have to go all the way back again!"
Kochanski looked at him, and a thought occurred to her. "Actually, Holly? Stop us at the nearest supply deck – the one with the uniforms. We're going to need to dress up a bit."
Cat was not pleased when he was placed in a plain orange jumpsuit. It took an hour to convince him, and it was only when Kochanski assured him that he could make anything look gorgeous that he finally slipped it on. They gave Kryten a bulky boiler suit, goggles and a helmet to help disguise him as well, seeing as how his type of droid wouldn't be invented for a few hundred years.
"What if someone comments on my face?" Kryten fretted.
"Just tell them you had an accident," Rimmer suggested helpfully. "Tell them you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out."
Soon, they were back in front of the stasis leak. Kryten was once again in charge of making sure the coast was clear, and upon finding the place empty, motioned for the others to follow through.
The adventure was very strange for everyone involved. Kochanski felt very odd moving about in the past, encountering so many familiar faces. She could feel so many different emotions swirling around inside her, ranging from guilt she couldn't save them to unease knowing they would be dead in less than a month.
Rimmer, on the other hand, was more or less uninterested in the whole thing. The only memory he had of this day was being thrown into stasis. The day he'd gone and poured green paint all over Hollister while he was in a chicken outfit. He remembered it well. Still, that wasn't to happen for several hours. In fact, if he remembered correctly, it was around this time that he would be telling off Lister in the Captain's Office. Remembering another detail, he informed the others that he'd meet up with them by the canteen while he nipped off to his old quarters.
When he arrived, he dug through his old possessions and located his diary. Using the pen he always had, he dug out his diary and flipped through the pages. He located the one they'd found earlier and left a note, knowing his past self wouldn't be using the diary again for a long time. Stasis Leak – Floor 16
With the time paradox fulfilled, Rimmer turned to leave the room when he came face to face with… himself?! He jumped backwards in shock. The other Rimmer looked a little older, was in a nice suit with the beginnings of a mustache on his upper lip.
"Oh smeg," Rimmer said with a look of dread.
"Oh smeg indeed, matey!" the other Rimmer replied with undeniable smugness.
"What the hell? Who are you? What're you doing here?"
"I don't want you to panic, Arnold, but I'm you in the future."
"You're me? As in me-me?"
"You-you."
"But how? Did you come back through the stasis leak, too?"
"No, no, no, we found another way to come back in time."
"How?"
"Ah, but that would be telling. However, if we wait long enough, we should be able to ensure you wind up in stasis as planned."
Rimmer blinked, absorbing all this. "How…?"
"Do you remember?"
"Vaguely. We were still tripping from the mushrooms."
"Ah, but we weren't. You're about to discover the truth. Come on, behind the locker! We haven't much time!"
The future Rimmer grabbed Rimmer by his arm and dragged him behind the lockers, into a rather cramped hiding place.
A few seconds later, the past Rimmer entered with Lister, ranting about the mushrooms. "Why didn't you tell the captain this?"
"And get someone into trouble?" Lister asked.
"Eight weeks painting the smegging ship?!"
"I'm sorry…"
"Get the spacesuits."
They could just about see Lister taking down a space helmet from his bunk. The Scouser slouched off down the corridor and out the room. Rimmer peeked around and saw his past self in an orange jumpsuit over his uniform, holding a cup of soup while he pulled his locker open. He was just reaching for something when he caught movement behind the locker. His forehead crinkled in confusion as he peered around the edge, and then he jumped back in shock when he saw his own face twice over!
"What the smegging hell?!" he yelped.
"Hello, Arnold!" the future Rimmer said brightly. "Doing well, are you?"
"What the hell is going on?" the past Rimmer demanded. "Who are you?"
Rimmer tried to keep things calm. "Look, it's difficult to explain. Suffice to say that we're both you from the future."
His past self still looked terrified, so he soldiered on.
"Look, we found a Stasis Leak on Floor 16 that enabled us to come back in time."
"Well, he did," the future Rimmer said breezily. "I found a different way to come back."
The past Rimmer backed away nervously. "I might as well tell you I know exactly what you both are!"
Rimmer was surprised. "You do?"
"You're a mushroom, aren't you?"
"… I'm a what?"
"A hallucination! Go away!"
Rimmer attempted to protest, but the future Rimmer clapped a hand on his shoulder. "But of course, Arnie! Anything you say! We'll become scarcer than a parking spot on Christmas Eve!" He grabbed Rimmer and hustled him out of the room, leaving their past self against the sink, clutching his soup in fear.
They made it out into the corridor, just narrowly missing bumping into Hollister in a chicken outfit. They paused to observe. Luckily, the chicken suit hindered his peripheral vision, so he didn't see them as he waddled awkwardly into the sleeping quarters.
"I trust we don't need to watch this next bit," the future Rimmer said. "Let's just get away before he orders the MPs to drag us off to stasis."
Rimmer could only stare after his future self as they walked up the corridor to the nearest vending machine. "What the hell was that all about?!" he demanded. "How did you even get here?!"
"Ah, that would be telling," the future Rimmer said cheekily – a tone Rimmer had never once used in his life. "I trust you're looking for Kris and the others."
"I was just leaving the note in my… our diary."
"And now you're going to meet in the canteen. Don't worry. I still remember most of this."
They made their way to the canteen, where they found Kochanski, Cat and Kryten all trying to look inconspicuous. They were understandably disturbed by the presence of two Rimmers, one with a mustache and a nice dinner jacket.
"What fresh hell has been unleashed?" Cat asked, totally serious.
"Hello, you festering gimboid of a cat!" the future Rimmer replied brightly.
"What the hell is going on?" Kochanski demanded.
Rimmer shuffled awkwardly. "He's me. From the future. At least, that's what he says."
"Don't trust me, Arnie?" the future Rimmer asked, pretending to be hurt.
"Not an inch. Two inches if you actually are me."
"I think it actually is you," Cat confirmed. "Smell totally checks out. The same stench of pathetic, desperation and dandruff shampoo."
Rimmer glared at his future self. "Still?!"
The future Rimmer ran his hand through his curls. "It's a condition!"
"So what are you doing here?" Kochanski asked him.
"I'm just here to explain what the photo was about. You see, in five years' time, you find another way to come back in time."
"But does Miss Kochanski marry Mr Lister?" Kryten asked.
"What the hell do you think I'm dressed up for?"
They looked him up and down as comprehension dawned. "You went to the wedding?" Kochanski asked.
"Correction: I'm going to the wedding. We'll be sure to deposit the wedding photo where you found it."
Rimmer rubbed his temples. "Smeg… I'm going to have to remember all this crap…"
"Afraid so, Iron Balls," his future self said. "But don't worry. It's all coming surprisingly naturally."
"Not to mention you probably rehearsed this about a million times before you got here," Kochanski added wryly.
To her surprise, the future Rimmer just winked. "You've always gotten me, Kris." Then his watch started beeping. "Oop! That's my cue! Gotta dash-a-roonie! Time for the wedding rehearsal on Ganymede!"
"Please say we're more than an usher," Rimmer whined.
The future Rimmer patted his predecessor on the shoulder. "Not to worry, Arnold. It's all still to come. You sad lonely bastards are headed for the best time has to offer. Just be patient. Now then, I must be you all farewell."
The future Rimmer gave them a salute before turning and walking out of the room, leaving his doppelgänger and crewmates in a stupor.
"So where does this leave us?" Cat finally asked. "Did I wear this stupid jumpsuit for nothing?"
Kochanski just stared after the other Rimmer in silent contemplation. After a few moments, she looked at the others. "Well… I guess that's that. We might as well go home."
"But ma'am, there are still so many questions," Kryten objected. "How can you and Mr Lister marry when you're both dead?"
"I counted one question," Cat said, holding up two fingers.
"I don't know, Kryten. I just don't. But clearly we'll find out one day. Hopefully, we'll find out where my past self is as well. We checked at my quarters where my very surprised roommate asked why I was back so soon from planet leave, which is odd because I don't remember ever going on planet leave."
Rimmer was still looking at the door his future self at exited through. Something about him felt a bit off. He was too cheery, too boisterous, too… not him. He could understand that over time he might change. In fact, he rather welcomed the idea. But there was something just plain old odd about his future him. He wasn't sure if his fate was already decided, but as he followed the others back to Floor 16, he wondered what he had meant about "the best time has to offer".