Author's Note: Bleh. This one was tricky because I had absolutely no idea how to proceed with it. Was tempted to cut it, but I didn't want to just skip it, so I decided to just write a quick ending so I could move on.
The journey to repair the Hologram Simulation Suite was one that concerned Kochanski immensely. As the ship's resident hologram, her very existence depended on being electronically simulated through her light bee. Unfortunately, with the meteor having struck right in that section of the ship, her body was being projected all wrong. Her legs, at this particular moment, were wondering around without her, and the others were trying to round them up and reunite her with them.
Rimmer made light of the situation. "Well, it's not like you could use anything from the waist down anyway!"
It was getting increasingly difficult to give Rimmer orders in this condition. Normally, he accepted whatever orders she gave him because she was his superior, and because of his warped thinking, he believed he had no choice. But after being stuck together for so long, he'd started getting used to her, relaxing a bit and snarking at her all the more, which was a bit of a mixed blessing for her. While it was nice to see him loosen up, it was getting a tad more difficult to get him to do things for her.
Holly managed to reconnect her with her legs, but now she was starting to impersonate the crew. She found herself traipsing about the ship out of control, sometimes dancing, and then she started cycling through various accents, begging the others for help.
"Well-ll-ll-ll, you see the shuttle was late! The shuttle was late, and they're usually so good! They're brilliant!" she trilled.
"What's happened to her?" Cat demanded.
"Oh good god, she's turned into Brannigan – the ship's psychiatrist," Rimmer moaned. "We had to hire another psychiatrist just to deal with him."
Then Kochanski rounded on them. "Forget PD, Rimmer! You're in stasis for eighteen months!" she snapped in an American accent.
"Now she's Hollister!"
"We'd better get her fixed," Holly decided.
They made it to the massive simulation suite, immediately finding it a sparking fiery smoky mess. Rimmer grabbed a pair of air canisters to put out the fires, Kryten did his best to reconnect broken cables. Cat just sort of stood behind Rimmer and blew onto the fires he didn't have time for.
Holly was doing what he could from his monitor. "Don't panic, everyone. I've got it in hand."
Kochanski took on Holly's facial expression and London twang. "Don't panic, everyone. I've got it in hand."
"Just need to override the charred relays," Holly continued.
"Just need to override the charred relays."
"How the hell do we do that?" Rimmer demanded.
Kochanski adopted Rimmer's facial expression and his broad Ioanian accent. "How the hell do we do that?"
"Bypass the main circuit. The switch is over there," Holly explained.
"Bypass the main circuit. The switch is over there."
"What, this one?"
"What, this one?"
"Yeah, that one."
"Yeah, that one."
"Now press the bypass."
"Now press the bypass."
Rimmer made the necessary connections, and in an instant, Kochanski doubled over in pain, gasping with relief. "Oh good god, that was awful! Just awful! I don't – AUGGGGGH! OWWWWWWWW!" She suddenly started caterwauling and dancing around the room.
Cat twigged. "Hey! Now she's me!"
"It's a loose cable," Holly announced. "Put the red plug in the blue socket."
Rimmer did as told, and a moment later, Kochanski jerked back to normal.
"… Are we good? Am I better?" she asked timidly.
From behind them, Kryten arrived with a yellow cable. "What about this one?" he asked.
"Oh yeah, that joins up with the white cable," Holly said confidently.
Kryten found the white cable and plugged it into the yellow one. Almost immediately, there was a crackling noise that rippled across the room, and streaks of blue electricity streaked up and down the mechanoid's arms. He sputtered and stammered for a few moments as the others realized something was happening that was very much not good.
There was an almighty explosion, and everyone jumped backwards as there was a shower of sparks from each wall. It took a few seconds for everyone's vision to clear, and when it did, Kryten's head was in pieces on the floor while his body stood holding the frayed cables.
"… Or was it the yellow cable?" Holly pondered.
Getting a good pair of rubber gloves, Rimmer managed to separate the fried mech from the cables and drag him to the science room for repairs.
As he tinkered away, following the Diva Droid instruction manual for how to swap out Kryten's head for a different one. It wasn't an easy job, and it frustrated him even more as he glared over at Holly every few minutes.
"You are a total, total… A word has yet to be invented to say how utterly whatever it is you are! But you are one! And a total, total one at that!"
Holly pouted. "Okay, keep your hair on."
"Some of us are lucky if we can keep our legs or head on with you in charge!"
"Yeah, he's out to lunch, man!" Cat agreed, passing Rimmer another mech head.
"He's out the lunch, dinner, supper, the lot!"
"Okay, enough," Kochanski said, holding up her hands to silence them. "Rimmer, finish fixing Kryten and leave Holly alone. We're lucky we don't have him at all. Can you imagine if we had to run this whole ship on our own?"
"He's just such a…"
"I know what he is. But you're not much better, just so you know."
"But - !"
"Rimmer, just fix Kryten. Don't make me order you to."
Rimmer's face scowled up in a way that made him look even more like a ferret and resumed.
Kochanski then turned to Holly, who had the same neutral – some might say, gormless – expression he always had. "And you," she said, pointing a long finger at him. "I understand that you've been online for over four ice ages now, but really – you need to get with it. I know you're doing your best, but we can't have accidents like that again. A meteor striking the ship could've killed us. You're supposed to be looking out for us. Understood?"
Holly looked at her for a long moment, almost as if he was trying to make up his mind about something. Then, after what appeared to be a brief look of disappointment, he nodded in acceptance. "Yes, ma'am," he said quietly.
Kochanski looked satisfied and resumed supervising Rimmer as he finished hooking Kryten's new head to the various wires. Once satisfied that everything was connected, he lowered the head into the neck socket and twisted it around a few times, until it locked into place.
The mech spluttered gibberish as his intelligence flooded his systems, and his blue eyes rolled around before he regained his senses. "Oh, sirs! Ma'am! Goodness, it seems my head exploded! How embarrassing!"
"How do you feel, Kryten?" Kochanski asked.
"Systems seem optimal, ma'am. Hopefully, I'll be able to serve tonight's dinner on time."
"Glad to hear it," said the Cat. "Better be fish."
Kochanski shot him a look before glancing over at Holly. "Holly – please apologize to Kryten for blasting his head to pieces."
Holly looked for all the world like a petulant teenager, not making contact and fidgeting on his screen. "Sorry, Kryten," he muttered.
"Oh, it's quite all right, Holly. That's why I have spares. Fascinating business, life with no head. Not unlike watching daytime television."
Rimmer, meanwhile, was going over the instruction manual, a tad concerned. "I don't know if we got the voice right," he said. "Is it just me, or does he sound Canadian now?"
Cat scowled. "Canadi-what?"
Kryten shrugged. "One voice unit is the same as the other, sir."
Kochanski blinked. "Well, now that you mention it…"
"I assure you, ma'am, a change in accent is not going to interfere with my duties."
"No, but it… you… Oh, never mind. We've spent enough time on this. Let's get on to more interesting things."
The others agreed and strode out of the room, leaving Holly on the monitor. He thought to himself, Well, I'll save it for when they're all getting uppity at me. Too good of a joke to not use ever. Smirking, he resumed his duties.
Author's Note: