Rimmer's face went beet red as Kochanski clutched her sides to cope with the howling laughter erupting from her face. She was doubled over, guffawing loudly over what had just transpired between them. He scowled through his humiliation. "I don't see what was so damn funny!" he snapped.
Kochanski caught her breath and wiped the tears from her eyes. "Rimmer – you can't possibly think that's a good chat up line!"
"It's a damn good one!"
"Oh please! 'It wriggles across the ground like that'?" She wriggled her index finger for emphasis, causing her to enter a new round of giggles.
"It's a brilliant line! If it wasn't, they wouldn't put it in the book!"
"Did it ever work for you?"
"… That is beside the point!"
"Rimmer, the success of these lousy lines is the point! You couldn't pull a rotten tooth out of a dead horse's mouth with that one!"
Seeing him going into a sulk, she inhaled a few times – pointless since she was a hologram – and regained her composure. "Rimmer, listen to me. Women aren't some strange new life form that needs to be conquered. We're people. We have thoughts, feelings, dreams, ambitions, emotions, just like any man. Yes, even the stupid ones that created that book. Stupidity isn't solely a male past time, despite what most situation comedies would have you believe."
Rimmer crossed his arms and slouched in a chair.
Kochanski tilted her head and looked at him closely. "Are you pouting?"
"No!"
Their squabble was interrupted when Holly beamed into the sleeping quarters and announced he had a new invention that he wanted to show them. Apparently, the computer had created something he called the 'Holly Hop Drive' that could get them back to Earth instantaneously. They were all excited until they reached the Drive Room and saw it was just a metal box with the words 'START' and 'STOP' emblazoned upon two buttons.
"This is it?!" Kochanski asked incredulously, staring at the contraption in Rimmer's hands. "It looks like something out of a low-budget sci-fi show."
"I've run tests on it, ma'am," Kryten said helpfully.
"Which were totally unnecessary," Holly butted in.
The mechanoid continued. "It has a remote link with Red Dwarf's engines that will enable us to jump through space. The Nova 5 had similar technology."
"Wait, it did?" Rimmer asked. "Why didn't you say? We could've used it to get home!"
Kryten squirmed a bit, but Holly was confident. "Doesn't matter. We've got the Drive now. Let's Holly Hop!"
Rimmer didn't trust the device to not blow up in his face, so he made Kryten press the 'start' button. There was a bit of a metallic grinding noise, but beyond that, nothing seemed to have happened. Holly announced they were home, but when he checked, it seemed the solar system was missing. They quickly realized that they hadn't actually travelled through space, but when they spotted an exact copy of Red Dwarf floating outside, they realized they'd found something much more interesting.
Taking Blue Midget, they hailed the other ship and flew over. They stepped out through the air lock and looked around, marveling at the fact that they were walking in the same ship as their own. Cat slinked off to get rid of a weird smell while Rimmer, Kochanski and Kryten investigated.
Kryten fiddled with the psi-scan. "Detecting life forms," he announced, leading them towards the alternate Drive Room. "Human, electronic and hologrammatic."
"Gee, I wonder who they could be," Rimmer deadpanned.
"Let's approach carefully," Kochanski said sternly. "Don't want to alarm them."
They were taken by surprise when three figures came marching around the corner. "I'm detecting life forms," a female droid announced. "Human, electronic and… Oh! They're here!"
The two trios stared at each other across the corridor. Finally, Kochanski approached a man who was about her height, same eye color, hair color, skin color and uniform, not to mention the 'H' on his forehead. "Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski," she said, tentatively holding out a hand.
The man smiled awkwardly and shook it. "Navigation Officer Kristopher Kochanski," he replied.
Rimmer blinked at his female counterpart before awkwardly walking up to her. They both saluted simultaneously – five hand rotations each – and stood to attention. "Second Tech Arnold Rimmer," he said.
"Second Tech Arlene Rimmer."
The two mechanoids also approached each other and shook hands. "I'm Kryten."
"I'm also Kryten."
"Oh. I thought one of us would have a different name."
"As did I."
"Must be gender neutral."
"Indeed."
"Do you like to mop?"
"Of course!"
"Good!"
Following the revelation that Cat's opposite was a male Dog, they all went down to the disco deck to have some fun. The two Krytens enjoyed cooking and making drinks together, bonding over their favorite dish cleaners and fragrant sprays. Cat spent much of his time hissing and growling at the Dog, who simply shrugged and enjoyed himself, often trying to sniff his opposite's behind.
The two Rimmers decidedly did not get along, what with Arlene constantly trying to hit on Arnold, making him very uncomfortable.
The two Kochanskies, however, got on reasonably well. She found him to be good company as they both played the Magic Flute, even though they were both well-versed in each other's musical knowledge, making it a little too easy to guess which aria the other was humming. They still had great fun, sipping hologrammatic wine and reminiscing about their favorite composers.
Finally, after a few rounds, Kochanski got up to go check on the two Rimmers, where he found Arlene trying to stick her tongue down the ear of a clearly-worried Arnold.
"Kochanski!" he cried out thankfully. "Come and join us! Please, god, come and join us!"
Kochanski strolled over, rather wishing she could grab the woman's shoulder or something, but in her intangible state, she had to settle for the next best thing.
"Second Tech Rimmer!" she snapped, addressing the female one.
Arlene jumped backwards in alarm. "Miss Kochanski, ma'am!" she yelped, saluting smartly and standing to attention.
"Leave him alone, or I'll order you to have a threesome with the Cat and the Dog."
Both Rimmers blanched at the thought.
"Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am," Arlene whispered. She threw one more awkward wink in her counterpart's direction before scurrying across the dancefloor.
"You all right?" Kochanski asked, sitting down at the opposite table as Arnold.
"That is the most horrible woman I have ever met!" he said distastefully.
She pointed a finger at him, making him shrink back. "Listen, you," she said sternly. "If I find out that you've ever once treated a woman like that…"
Rimmer gulped. "N-n-no?"
"You better well damn not have. I've been on the receiving end of bastards like you, and I can assure you, before the night was over, they were sopranos."
She smirked a bit as he crossed his legs beneath the table.
"Something you need to understand, Arnold," she continued. "You are not superior to women in any way solely based on your possession of a 'dating by hypnosis' book. Want to know why you never met the right girl? Because you were never the right man. You need to be a better person than that if you're going to go out with someone."
Rimmer shrugged helplessly. "I just… never know what to say to women. They never seem impressed."
"Well, if a woman isn't impressed by who you are, then they aren't worth your time. The right woman would be impressed even if you were less than a vending machine repairman."
"… You really think?"
"I really think. Now, stop being a complete sleezeball around women and act like a normal damn human being, okay? I know that's a lot to ask of you of all people, but make an effort."
His nostrils flared indignantly, but she returned them with a playful smirk, reaching out and almost tapping his nose, which prompted a small embarrassed smile. Satisfied, she got up from the table and went to rejoin her other self.
She stopped when she saw Kristopher chatting with Arlene, who was looking suitably chastened, but after a moment, she walked off, and Kristine was able to rejoin him at their table.
"Everything all right?" she asked politely.
He smiled ruefully. "Is yours a complete prat as well?"
"One hundred percent."
"Something reassuring about that…"
"I know…"
The female Kryten walked up. "Can we get you anything else, ma'am and sir?" she asked.
"Just two more of the same, please, Kryten," Kristine said politely. "It's getting late."
"Of course, ma'am. Coming up." She pressed a button on a handheld remote, and two wine glasses materialized in front of them. "Also, Hilly says they're still working on the Hop Drive. You should be able to depart in the morning."
"Thank you, Kryten."
As the mech walked off to join her counterpart in the kitchen, the two Krisses went back to their conversation.
"So…," Kristopher said. "What've you lot been up to?"
"Nothing much," Kristine replied sadly. "Stuck in deep space, wandering the cosmos… Not all that majestic when you're actually living it."
"Sci-fi films really romanticized space travel," Kristopher agreed.
"Still, the most horrifying thing so far was when we brought back my ex Tim as a hologram."
"Ditto, although mine was called Tina."
"When did the opposite sex become so mind-numbingly horrible? Our ex was a selfish coward, the only living human male in existence is a petty small-minded nincompoop, and the others are robots, computers and household pets. Is it just me, or have the options gotten a little bit slim?"
"I know the feeling. The last time I thought about my love life was when we tried to rescue Lister and put him in stasis. Did you have to do that?"
"Yeah, thought we'd stick in him in a booth, but that Rimmer from the future said there was another way… Something about him just put me off."
"Yeah, she was so… I don't know. Seemed like she was some party animal."
"Still, I don't know if I could see myself marrying Lister. I mean… good for a laugh and everything, but…"
"Not really the marrying kind."
"Too laddish, really. Too…"
They both descended into silence, thinking it over, lost in the memories.
"She was sweet, though," Kristopher said at last.
Kristine looked over at him in surprise.
Taking a cue to elaborate, he continued. "Always spoiling me, buying me nice things, confiding things in me about his family… I rather regret going back to Tina in the end. Just manipulated me whenever it suited her. Deb always cared for me, was crazy about me… I still don't know why I gave that up. Even if we were both going to be dead in a month anyway, I could've gotten to know her better."
It was so bizarre listening to this bloke talk about Lister like this. Kristine could feel old feelings stirring up inside her that she hadn't really noticed before. Everything he was saying about Deb Lister, she could honestly say she felt about Dave. Why had she thrown away their relationship before it had a proper chance to bloom? Why had she let herself get sucked down by Tim again? She'd convinced herself that she was in love because at least he had a vocation.
But he was a total phony, just as Dave had said.
Say what you would about Lister, but at least he was the real deal.
She looked across at Kristopher, who looked back at her, and they both smiled in embarrassment.
"Well…," Kristopher said after a moment. "Seems we're both prats as well."
"Yes…," she agreed. "But at least we're only eighty or ninety percent prats."
They chuckled and finished their drinks.
Arnold paced the dance hall. He'd gotten bored watching Cat and Dog in their dance competition and was now hiding out by the bar. He pulled out the wristwatch and hissed into it.
"How much longer are we staying here, Holly?" he demanded.
Holly and Hilly appeared on the tiny screen.
"Not much longer," Holly replied quickly. "We're working on the Hop Drive right now, aren't we, Hilly?"
"Right. That's exactly what we're doing," Hilly replied shiftily.
Arnold couldn't help but notice something on Holly's cheek. "Is that a lipstick mark on your cheek?" he asked incredulously.
"That's not a lipstick mark," Hilly corrected confidently. "That's a computer rash."
Arnold gave them a look similar to a parent finding out their child had been on an unsupervised date to a drive-in and couldn't remember the end of the film.
"Oi!" Holly snapped. "I don't have to explain myself to you! I'm over eighteen!"
"And so am I!" Hilly added fiercely.
The screen went blank, and Arnold was left on his own again. He stared up at the disco lights disparagingly, wondering why a twenty-third century mining ship played music from the 1980s, when he felt a tap on his shoulder, and he let out a yelp when he saw who it was.
Arlene smiled sheepishly. "Listen," she said in an embarrassed tone. "I'm sorry that I apparently treated you so abysmally earlier. I just, er… Well, that is it say… I don't know how to talk to men. I get… scared and I act very…very…"
"Stupid?" Arnold suggested helpfully. At her hurt expression, he clarified, "I'm the same way with women."
They both relaxed a bit and leaned against the bar.
"Look," Arnold continued. "Let's not… for lack of a better word… screw ourselves, yeah? I mean, I know we're both lonely out here in deep space, but… I think we can both do better."
Arlene nodded in agreement. "True. Someone with less hang-ups, less baggage, less… nostril?"
Arnold snorted a brief giggle before looking around the disco at the others. "You know… this isn't really my scene, and I bet it's not yours either."
"No… Shall we retire my quarters for a game of RISK?"
"You read my mind."
They strolled toward the door, satisfied.
"Do you cheat?"
"All the time."
"Marvelous."